Let's get weird with your random, strange or entirely legitimate fears and phobias! From flying birds and loose hair around the house to balloons, swimming pools and tiny holes...
Also, what the heck are megalophobia, metaphobia, tokophobia and xylophobia?
Let's hold hands and dive in together!
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And we always want to hear from you!
Get in touch with the podcast on Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/dearmrknickerthief
Follow Sophie Craig at https://www.instagram.com/itssophiecraig
Follow Jahannah James at https://www.instagram.com/jahannahjames
Part of Podomedy, the independent podcast comedy network.
00:00:00
Hello and welcome to dear Mr. Nick Thief.
00:00:02
I'm Sophie. And I'm Johanna.
00:00:03
And this is the podcast where we used to read out my diary, but
00:00:07
now we've opened up the floor to you guys, so.
00:00:09
Now we're going to read out yours.
00:00:10
Enjoy. Enjoy and remember it's never
00:00:12
too much. It might be too much, OK.
00:00:16
How you been this week all? Right, we're going right in,
00:00:19
aren't we? We're getting straight in.
00:00:20
We're going straight in. No mess in, no how been this
00:00:22
week? Straight in, he said.
00:00:24
Oh, he said. You could do like a 3 minute 10.
00:00:26
I think it's nice to warn people that we're comedians, we're
00:00:28
funny. Well do.
00:00:30
We'll just. Check around.
00:00:30
OK, that's all right. Welcome.
00:00:35
Have you been? I've been all right, yeah.
00:00:39
Good. I don't.
00:00:41
I don't know what day it is. I'm not.
00:00:43
I literally don't know what day it is.
00:00:45
It's I think it's a it's a Tuesday.
00:00:49
It's a Tuesday. I think it's a Tuesday.
00:00:51
Happy Tuesday. Thank you.
00:00:52
Welcome, everyone. Happy Tuesday.
00:00:55
I hope you all know what time of time of the week.
00:00:57
You know what time? Of the week is like time of the
00:00:59
week and what day of the day of the day of the time is, Yeah.
00:01:04
Mate, we're not with it right we're.
00:01:05
Not with it at all this week. We are not very techie.
00:01:08
We've got to be just be honest. We just be honest.
00:01:10
Let's be honest, I fucking hate setting up this podcast.
00:01:16
We are, yeah. We're, we're we're not here.
00:01:19
We're here for the bands and we're here for the stories and
00:01:21
we're here for you guys. But the actual tech, what in the
00:01:25
actual tech is? Happening.
00:01:26
I say this right though but I am so not tech savvy I get really
00:01:30
angry. I my contribution is I sit and
00:01:33
watch Johanna recalibrate everything.
00:01:38
I'll get a I'll get us a Pepsi or a Coke.
00:01:40
Yeah, I'll set up a light and set up a camera, maybe a range
00:01:44
of flower and make the place look pretty.
00:01:46
You do And Johanna does. No, you are.
00:01:48
On aesthetic design, that's your like, I'm on top.
00:01:50
Like that side of production, you're on tech.
00:01:52
Yeah, I'm on tech and it is above my pay grade.
00:01:55
So hopefully you can hear us and hopefully you can see us.
00:01:57
What's above our pay grades? Because we're not getting paid
00:01:59
for this yet. Yeah.
00:02:00
So yet we shall manifest. We shall.
00:02:06
Manifest that we one day we can afford tech support, but until
00:02:10
then, we'll just crack on we'll just.
00:02:12
Crack on and we've got some really good diary entries this
00:02:14
week. I'm so excited.
00:02:15
Also, just to remind you guys, we're going into this blind.
00:02:18
Well, I'm going into this blind. Whoever whoever does the
00:02:21
research week to week and collects all of the the.
00:02:24
Evidence collates the evidence collates the diary entries.
00:02:29
The other person's completely blind, so Oh, my baby's got
00:02:32
hiccups. Oh, that's.
00:02:35
Good. No, she's alive.
00:02:35
Oh God, it's. Been a bit quiet this morning.
00:02:39
I know the it's mad. Never had a baby before, didn't
00:02:42
know. But yeah, your baby's supposed
00:02:45
to move, like a lot. And then when it doesn't move,
00:02:47
it's quite scary. So then when you get hiccups,
00:02:49
you're like, oh, great. She's there.
00:02:51
She's alive. It's because she's you're right.
00:02:53
It's because she's haven't had a Coke 0.
00:02:54
Probably. Yeah.
00:02:57
All right. Shall shall we?
00:02:58
Do you want to get. Do you want to get involved?
00:02:59
Let's come. Right.
00:03:00
In I'm so. Ready straight into this one
00:03:01
because this week it's a really good one We put out on Facebook
00:03:06
and socials asking people what their weirdest phobias are.
00:03:11
Oh, OK. Instead of really good response,
00:03:14
we always get really good responses.
00:03:15
You guys are great. So, yeah, so we've gone through
00:03:18
and just picked out some of the Hit me with the fears.
00:03:20
The best. Are you ready?
00:03:21
Yeah. All right, dear Mr. *** Thief,
00:03:26
this one might be super, super weird.
00:03:29
I am morbidly, viscerally creeped out this for you.
00:03:34
This one by pregnant women. I get completely heebie jeebie
00:03:39
about the idea of a small human being ingrown inside a woman.
00:03:44
I get seasick and the idea of all the complications and health
00:03:47
concerns that arise with a woman carrying a child just sends me
00:03:50
into a panic attack. It's called tocophobia, the fear
00:03:53
of pregnancy and or being pregnant.
00:03:57
Is it got a real name? I didn't know it had a real
00:03:59
name. Because I had that I'm, I mean,
00:04:01
I'm, I'm with them. I think being pregnant is
00:04:04
disgusting. And I always had a huge phobia
00:04:08
of not just pregnancy but labour on birth.
00:04:11
And yeah, I think it's weird. You've had a weird time of it
00:04:14
though as well. I've had a.
00:04:15
Weird horrible pregnancy but the but but before I got pregnant it
00:04:19
the idea of like something moving inside your stomach and
00:04:22
growing like a parasite. A parasite.
00:04:27
Actually, it is. It is medically it is a
00:04:29
parasite. That's what that's what it is.
00:04:31
Because you're it's, it's leeching off you all your
00:04:34
nutrients and all shake. It is my what it is.
00:04:38
Listen, if you are able to get pregnant, then that is a
00:04:41
blessing. It's a blessing.
00:04:42
A lot of people, obviously, you know, it's not that easy, but
00:04:44
also you are allowed to be. You're allowed to be.
00:04:47
You're allowed to fear it. You're but it's the blessing of
00:04:50
a parasitic human and, and, and that's exactly what it is.
00:04:54
And it's the placenta. The placenta will literally
00:04:56
siphon off. Well, yeah, so normally I was
00:04:58
reading about this because a lot of the DNA and stuff comes from
00:05:02
the placenta, and that comes from the.
00:05:04
They're discovering now more and more it's parental, so it comes
00:05:06
from the dad. All right, So you get your
00:05:08
swimmers good and strong, girls and boys, girls and boys and
00:05:10
boys and, but, but, so but the placenta, because it's a foreign
00:05:16
tissue, normally your body would act to attack it because you're
00:05:19
just growing another organ in there.
00:05:20
So your placenta is what allows like 2 hearts to be able to be
00:05:24
effectively inside at the same time.
00:05:25
It's what like, it's quite amazing.
00:05:27
Really and actually? An entire organ.
00:05:29
Another thing I didn't know about pregnancy that wasn't
00:05:32
mentioned is that your baby if your baby's a different blood
00:05:35
type to you. My friend had this.
00:05:38
Yeah, so my baby is I'm. Oh.
00:05:42
Negative. Yeah, it's negative and
00:05:44
positive. Isn't it?
00:05:44
And she's O positive? Yeah, if you're O negative and
00:05:47
positive, you're the opposite. Your bloods cannot touch because
00:05:50
if they do, they will react to each other and they'll start
00:05:53
fighting each other. So.
00:05:55
I'm having some injections. For that, yeah, because my body
00:05:57
will start thinking that she's a foreign host body thing and
00:06:01
start to attack it. So I've had to have some series
00:06:03
of injections. I've got to have some more.
00:06:05
Yeah. They inject you loads when
00:06:06
you're in pregnant. You had whooping cough the other
00:06:08
day, not you didn't have whooping cough.
00:06:09
I got the vaccine. You got, You got.
00:06:11
Vaccines and you've got the anti J and you've got all yeah, so
00:06:15
there's a lot, there's a lot going on.
00:06:16
So I completely agree with this person.
00:06:18
Pregnancy is very phobic. It's not it's not weird.
00:06:21
I agree with it actually. I think a lot of people agreed
00:06:23
with it, actually. Some people put shocked faces
00:06:25
and some people laughed and some people put a thumbs up.
00:06:27
But it had quite a lot of replies as well, a lot of
00:06:29
responses. So yeah.
00:06:30
But I remember watching my mum's baby in her tummy, like move all
00:06:34
around and seen an elbow come out and that I always thought
00:06:36
that was a little bit like, yeah, it took me a while to
00:06:39
doesn't feel like, yeah, like, oh, that's there's a whole like
00:06:43
it's just it's mad to get your head round.
00:06:45
Having said that, though, it's not as weird when you're
00:06:49
actually in it, it's not as weird as you project it's going
00:06:53
to be. Yeah, it's when people send you
00:06:55
like, like, yeah, what do you do if like your girlfriends are
00:06:59
pregnant and they just because you know, when my only to
00:07:01
anytime any of my girlfriends have been pregnant, they sent
00:07:03
videos of their bump moving around.
00:07:04
Yeah, imagine if you've got the Tucker for me.
00:07:06
Like, stop. I know but at least I send
00:07:09
videos of my bump moving and I'm like look how weird this is.
00:07:12
I give people permission to think it's gross but but it does
00:07:16
it does feel gross. And someone said I saw this on a
00:07:19
video and I've been telling everybody because it's the best
00:07:21
description I can find. If you want to know what it
00:07:23
feels like to have a baby moving inside you like this from the
00:07:27
inside, put your hand on your side of your mouth and then rub
00:07:32
your fingers with your tongue from the inside.
00:07:34
That's what it feels like. That's what it feels like.
00:07:36
When you put the hand on it. But it's actually your baby and
00:07:41
you can kind of feel roughly whether it's a foot or a bum or
00:07:44
an arse or something. I.
00:07:46
Thought a bummer on us and this is one of my favourites.
00:07:49
This one. Do you miss Nick Thief?
00:07:55
Mostly a pigeon flying into my cheek and somehow getting its
00:07:58
beak stuck. I've had this for a fear for a
00:08:00
very. Long Oh, I thought that.
00:08:01
Happened to them, no. It's just a fear of.
00:08:03
That very specific. Oh, I mean, that's, I don't like
00:08:08
birds and pigeons flapping in faces.
00:08:10
I've got a fear, new fear unlocked because I saw it happen
00:08:13
to that girl where, you know, like the seagulls swoop down and
00:08:16
they like, grab a bit of food. Yeah.
00:08:18
They swooped down and they tried to get something and it the beak
00:08:22
went in her eye. Oh, so this is a very legitimate
00:08:25
fear then. But yeah, specifically I wonder
00:08:27
if it's any other bird or just a pigeon.
00:08:29
I mean pigeon beak pigeon with a little but like the oh the
00:08:32
seagull ones. Excellent.
00:08:33
The pigeon beaks. Are they?
00:08:35
Yeah, they're not particularly like stabby in the face and
00:08:39
stuck in the cheek not. Particularly stabby in the face
00:08:42
beaks. Are they on a scale of stabby in
00:08:44
the face? Stabby in the face, stuck to the
00:08:46
cheek beaks. I'd say it's quite minimum, but.
00:08:50
Yeah, I, I'm, I've, I've got a phobia of things in eyes.
00:08:55
Yeah. And sharp objects.
00:08:56
So that's like a combination. I know one of your fears,
00:08:59
actually, it's going to come up in this because a few people
00:09:02
have got this. OK.
00:09:03
All right. Dear Miss Nick.
00:09:04
A thief. A thief.
00:09:06
That's not a common as muck there a thief hair when it is
00:09:10
not attached to the head. Specifically, hair on the floor.
00:09:14
Like a rogue Pew. Hair in public, loose hair I've
00:09:18
had to really work hard on this because it is because it is
00:09:20
everywhere. I'm much better than I used to
00:09:22
be. I had to vacuum the bedroom
00:09:23
floor every night before getting into bed or I couldn't sleep
00:09:26
thinking about all the hair that was in the room with me.
00:09:29
I have long hair, so life's been rough.
00:09:33
She's like, she's like walking around shedding and she's.
00:09:37
Like just shave it off mate if you've got a Fabian hair.
00:09:40
That will solve your problem. But also though that is what is
00:09:42
it called where you like, what's the therapy where you just
00:09:45
exposure therapy? Yeah, it's just one single hair.
00:09:48
She's exposuring herself daily. Well, that's really good.
00:09:51
And I'm really glad that you've got on top of that and that
00:09:54
you're able to have long hair. But I get that I don't like,
00:09:57
like some people have a real. Oh my God, how does she get the
00:09:59
plug hole hair out? Like the hair in the plug hole?
00:10:02
I have long hair. And yeah, I used.
00:10:05
To live with a with a man who had very long, very curly hair.
00:10:10
Did you have to do the plug hole?
00:10:11
And it's all so the plug hole was freaking out right out.
00:10:14
It was a nightmare. We had to actually bought him a
00:10:17
like a plug hole hair catcher thing.
00:10:20
Oh yeah, that did, but you get for the sink.
00:10:22
Yeah, but he molted. It was like a dog.
00:10:24
It was crazy like a dog. But now I have a dog and I'm
00:10:28
always covered in hair, so I'm not bothered by hair.
00:10:29
So that's weird for me, Yeah, I'm not bothered by hair at all.
00:10:35
I like after I blow dried my hair, like it goes, oh, that's
00:10:38
my dog. After I blow dried my hair, it
00:10:40
goes everywhere. And then, you know when you can,
00:10:41
like, run your fingers through the carpet?
00:10:43
Yeah. And then, like, it all comes up
00:10:45
into a hair. But I literally though, can be
00:10:47
in the bath or shower, wash my hair.
00:10:49
And honestly, you could make a wig out of the hair that I get.
00:10:52
Yeah. It's I've got like 3 hairs so I
00:10:55
like to keep mine in. You like to keep, I like to
00:10:57
keep. Mine in art to keep mine in my
00:10:59
head. I figured though this is because
00:11:01
I don't brush my hair very often.
00:11:02
That would be why I don't. Fun fact guys, I don't brush my
00:11:05
hair very often. She's a wild.
00:11:07
Beast. I don't.
00:11:08
I just like, I wouldn't like I'll have yeah, like if it's
00:11:11
particularly getting like close to hair, washed it, I'll just
00:11:13
shove it up and then a lot of hair comes out because obviously
00:11:16
you're not brushing it. Anyway.
00:11:17
Fun fact, Davis, Nick Thief belly buttons freak me out.
00:11:22
I can't even touch my own. It well, belly buttons are very
00:11:27
varied. I don't like mind being touched
00:11:29
like the inside of it when they poke me like I feel like it
00:11:32
hurts. Who's they?
00:11:34
Who pokes? Who pokes?
00:11:36
Inside the belly button pocus. The belly button pocus that come
00:11:39
out at night. But like who?
00:11:41
Who pokes? Does your boyfriend poke inside
00:11:42
your belly button? Who's they?
00:11:43
He's always poking about my belly button.
00:11:45
No, like, no, like a little poke, like, I don't know.
00:11:51
I don't know. Like when you put yourself in
00:11:52
the belly button, you can feel it inside you.
00:11:55
You could feel that. Do you know what I mean?
00:11:57
I have a weird I have a very very deep belly, but I've never
00:12:01
seen the end tunnel of my belly button.
00:12:03
Cavern of a belly button. It's a cavernous crave of a
00:12:06
belly button. And I've not, and I have this
00:12:08
weird thing and I've asked people about it and I've googled
00:12:11
it and a very few people have the same thing as me, but I
00:12:14
actually get a very sharp, stabby pain.
00:12:17
I do this is what I'm saying, yeah.
00:12:19
You do not, because I do. We would have covered this.
00:12:21
We have. Covered this before.
00:12:22
Every time someone puts a figure.
00:12:24
That's why I don't like it. It hurts inside.
00:12:25
That was what I meant, but I just.
00:12:26
Didn't say vagina up the vagina. Yeah, I get a shout.
00:12:30
I like a sharp stabbing pain. Yeah, so I don't like it.
00:12:33
And I wondered why. Why?
00:12:35
Is it connected in some way? Must.
00:12:37
Be a nerve. Must have connected them.
00:12:39
And yeah, I, I mean, I'm not scared of belly buttons.
00:12:43
I don't find them particularly great.
00:12:46
No, I'm not scared of them. Everyone has one.
00:12:48
I don't like feet touching, particularly dry feet.
00:12:51
I can't my own. I'm always in socks.
00:12:53
I'm in socks now I can't. I don't like walking around the
00:12:55
house barefoot, like, so even though I used to be a
00:12:58
contemporary dancer now dancing bare feet, but having dry feet
00:13:04
and when the people rub them together like this, my mum does
00:13:05
it all the time. And I want to kill her.
00:13:08
My boyfriend picks his feet and then he's got quite dry feet.
00:13:11
Yeah. And like, he, he, there's a
00:13:13
proper, like he's not like a feet person, but he's not
00:13:15
afraid, not like a normal, not afraid of feet.
00:13:18
He rubs his feet together. He touches his feet and I can
00:13:21
feel the dry or he'll grab my feet and he'll pull a sock off
00:13:24
and give me a foot massage. I'm like.
00:13:27
So if your feet were nice and oiled up and lubricated and
00:13:31
moist, that's fine. OK.
00:13:32
Yeah, it's just the dry. I have to put moisturizer on
00:13:35
them. I think my sister's the same.
00:13:36
Like when you've got dry feet and you get into bed and you can
00:13:38
feel how dry they are on the sheets.
00:13:40
They catch on the sheets, yeah. No, no, no, I can feel the
00:13:45
dryness. Yeah.
00:13:47
Oh, anyway, OK, OK. Dear Miss Nicka Thief Faith,
00:13:51
what is? Wrong with me, annunciate my
00:13:54
dear. Mother would be ever so angry.
00:13:56
Thief. You're like, I'm not warmed up
00:13:58
my lips, wooden popsicle sticks and spoons, I can't touch them.
00:14:03
I used to be like this with cheese.
00:14:04
Wooden. Popsicle, popsicle.
00:14:07
Because we can't. Neither of us can talk today.
00:14:09
They give me the heebie jeebies. My my awesome hubby takes
00:14:13
popsicle and ice cream off the sticks for me and puts them in a
00:14:16
bowl. Oh, that's very long winded, but
00:14:19
that's cute. An act of love.
00:14:22
I wonder what it is about the text.
00:14:23
It must be some sort of texture. Yeah, don't get me started on
00:14:26
texture. I've got like a big phobia.
00:14:28
And you know what what the weirdest thing about phobias is?
00:14:31
Because I don't want to be too mean to to people about them.
00:14:34
If you have a weird phobia, it's not really your fault.
00:14:36
Phobias. Sometimes it's not actually the
00:14:38
thing that you're scared. To Hannah's lesson again.
00:14:40
Oh, it's to Hannah's psychology lesson.
00:14:42
Here we go. But it's one every EP it you
00:14:44
will sometimes you're phobic of something and your brain's
00:14:47
displaced it so you're not actually scared of wooden spoons
00:14:51
because logically you're like, but it's something would have
00:14:54
happened that you associate with the texture and your brain is
00:14:57
therefore. Well, I don't know because I've
00:14:59
not really had but many bad experiences with polystyrene.
00:15:03
But do not let me touch that stuff.
00:15:06
No, do not let me touch polystyrene.
00:15:09
Do not let that polystyrene squeak near me.
00:15:11
I literally get like, like I get goosebumps up and down my body
00:15:17
if I hear polystyrene. If somebody touches, no, I
00:15:20
can't. Somebody touches Poly.
00:15:22
It's a but. But very sensory.
00:15:24
So, so that might be that might be that you are are actually
00:15:27
afraid of the polystyrene, but where people are afraid.
00:15:30
Of I don't, I can't imagine biting it.
00:15:33
No, I can't. I can't.
00:15:35
But when people are afraid of balloons?
00:15:37
Or at this. You know when you've displaced
00:15:40
something and it will all link back to a moment where actually
00:15:43
it wasn't the balloons you were afraid of.
00:15:45
It was. You were at a party when you
00:15:47
were three years old and you thought that your parents had
00:15:49
abandoned you. They'd actually just left you a
00:15:51
birthday party. And you associate now a deep
00:15:53
fear of balloons because you don't want it.
00:15:55
It's. Maybe it's just.
00:15:56
Because they pop the scared you want.
00:15:59
So. Yeah, could be that.
00:16:01
That's why I'm, I, I don't judge people if you have a weird
00:16:04
phobia, because I, I know that it could probably, there's
00:16:06
probably like a really weird dark reason behind it where it's
00:16:10
come from. So people that are afraid of
00:16:12
clowns, like it's probably because like a clown came into
00:16:14
the house and like stole their dog when they were two.
00:16:21
OK dear Miss Nick Thief, I used to work with someone that had a
00:16:25
phobia of uncooked ready made pancakes.
00:16:29
But once she knows they've been cooked, that's fine.
00:16:34
Oh, the ones you get in the packet.
00:16:35
Psychologically analyse that one for me, I mean.
00:16:39
She's probably associating it with some sort of episode where
00:16:42
she got ill from uncooked food. Yeah, normally it would be like
00:16:46
meat. Raw pancake stuff isn't, I mean.
00:16:51
Some phobias, they're learned as well.
00:16:53
You learn them off. I've got, I had one from my mum.
00:16:55
My mum can't stand cracking fingers and I grew up hating
00:16:59
cracking fingers and I don't love it today.
00:17:01
But I've really don't like that. I've I've had to go, no, that is
00:17:04
not my phobia. Nothing happened to me with
00:17:06
cracking fingers. Something happened to my mum
00:17:08
with cracking fingers. That's why she's got the phobia.
00:17:10
But I didn't have that experience.
00:17:12
So I'm I'm not taking it. Take it back.
00:17:15
I just. I just don't like.
00:17:16
That it's not nice but but my mum is like screams dropped to
00:17:19
the floor phobic phobic. I wonder who bit into?
00:17:23
Polystyrene around me because I've got some things to tell
00:17:28
you. OK, this one was quite liked so
00:17:33
I'm guessing will you be quiet dog?
00:17:36
Thank you and. Pause for dog.
00:17:43
She's finished her monologue. Thank you.
00:17:45
Thanks for that Peanut. I have a fear of swimming pool
00:17:49
drains and I've had this had thus had this my entire life.
00:17:53
Those big shiny silver ones at the bottom are the worst.
00:17:56
Oh my God, the wave machine. What so the?
00:18:01
Drain. There's drain.
00:18:03
There's drains but also but back in.
00:18:05
I don't mean they have wave machines anymore.
00:18:07
Do. Do they OK?
00:18:08
I've been publicly swimming in a long time, but the wave machines
00:18:12
are behind these like silver bars.
00:18:14
And the wave machine, I knew when it was going to turn on.
00:18:16
I always had fear I was going to get sucked.
00:18:18
In because this is the drain thing as well.
00:18:20
Because I was a skinny kid, I was like, I could fit through
00:18:24
those bars. Like, I'm gone, dead.
00:18:26
That's it. I'm gone.
00:18:27
Where's Hannah? She's in the wave machine.
00:18:29
She's in the drain. So yeah, yeah, swimming pool
00:18:32
drains and swimming pool wave machines.
00:18:35
Yeah, no, the kid did get stuck in a swimming pool drain when it
00:18:39
was on the news. Or when I say news, I mean, you
00:18:41
know, online, but. I saw it.
00:18:44
It was all. Over the news.
00:18:45
It was all over the news of Instagram.
00:18:46
Did they live? No.
00:18:48
Oh, no, no. They got stuck in the drain.
00:18:50
Like, Oh yeah. Oh, this is a very rational.
00:18:52
Fear, then, yeah, it is. So this is, this is not a weird
00:18:55
fear. That's very, very rational
00:18:57
because if you get stuck in a drain, you ain't getting out.
00:18:59
Oh. My God, Right.
00:19:01
Fair. And this one.
00:19:03
I appreciate this one just the way that that she's written it.
00:19:07
Dear Miss Nick Thief. Tinfoil and cotton wool.
00:19:09
I cannot tear them apart. I'll die and.
00:19:13
That's it. Well, that's very visceral,
00:19:16
isn't it? Cotton wool, I get.
00:19:18
It's that same squeaky, like the cotton squeaking like I get
00:19:21
that. I do actually know.
00:19:23
I get that that's a little bit polystyrene and I'm not happy
00:19:25
about that thought. So I'm going to wipe that tin
00:19:27
file. I don't mind.
00:19:28
I know what. To do for Halloween?
00:19:29
No, I'm going to dress as a massive.
00:19:31
Polystyrene I will. I will not be responsible.
00:19:34
Just rub my dry feet together. Everything that's like a little
00:19:38
bit dry and squeaky. I think there's a theme for me.
00:19:41
Yeah, maybe, yeah. Anyway, do you are very
00:19:47
uncomfortable, dear Mr. Nicker, Thief dams.
00:19:52
Dams. What like Beavers make in in
00:19:55
real life or even on TV. It makes me want to run out of
00:19:59
the room screaming like. The Hoover Dam wouldn't like the
00:20:04
opening of James Bond then, would you?
00:20:05
No. Not admit.
00:20:06
I'm sure she's avoided it or you'll know. 2 now also rubbing
00:20:11
carpet. OK, this is similar.
00:20:12
It depends what the carpet. If it's a squeaky carpet, like
00:20:14
we're lots of black plasticky stuff in it, Yeah, like yeah,
00:20:17
also rubbing carpet. If something gets spilt on our
00:20:19
carpet, I literally have to leave it and get someone else to
00:20:22
deal with it whilst I leave the room.
00:20:24
Retching. Oh, and any part of my body
00:20:28
outside the covers any point of the night because, you know,
00:20:30
monsters. My husband puts up with a lot of
00:20:32
weird shit from me. I had that as a kid.
00:20:36
I thought if any part of my body, like my hand or my foot
00:20:40
was, was out the side of the perimeter of the bed, I thought
00:20:45
that was going to get chopped off the boogeyman.
00:20:47
Yeah, like a like a guillotine around the bed.
00:20:50
So I had to make even, it was really hot, absolutely could not
00:20:53
stick my leg out on over the side because my leg would be
00:20:55
guillotined off. Of course, of course.
00:20:58
And OK, how do you say this? Try trypophobia.
00:21:05
Oh, yeah. Small holes or seeds or eggs
00:21:09
clustered. I can't even think of it without
00:21:11
gagging. Yeah.
00:21:12
So you're I know you have this. And my other friend, my best
00:21:14
friend, everyone has this too. Yeah, that's quite a common one.
00:21:19
Like little paws and holes and like, yeah.
00:21:21
Yeah, there's so there's. Sponges.
00:21:23
Sponges comes up a lot. Actually there was a big a
00:21:25
really common answer in this sponges we have to do the same
00:21:28
thing. Differentiate between just not
00:21:30
liking something because like there's a lot of things that I'm
00:21:32
like, no, I don't like. And there's things where I'm
00:21:34
like, no, I, I, I, I can't. The little holes thing, it makes
00:21:40
me, it does make me feel. It's like even now I feel floppy
00:21:45
and I feel faint. This is horrible.
00:21:49
We'll move swiftly on from the. Holes just fight me with a
00:21:52
sponge. Check my purse.
00:21:57
She's going to come as polystyrene.
00:21:59
Halloween. I'm going to come as a sponge.
00:22:00
No, I've been like, I'm going to get my feet in the air.
00:22:03
I feel pain. Oh my God, your dry feet in the
00:22:05
air would be a right mess. Oh dear, Mr. Nick, a thief.
00:22:14
Huge things. Like cruise ships standing next
00:22:16
to huge things. It's called megalophobia.
00:22:20
Oh, just don't like big things. Who are, you can't say, hungry?
00:22:30
Dear Miss Nicka Thief, ventriloquist, dummies,
00:22:32
mannequins and dolls. Oh, I wonder.
00:22:35
Freaky. They are, but she doesn't like
00:22:38
like the Megan films or Annabelle.
00:22:41
The movie mannequin. I wonder if she likes my
00:22:43
impression of a man in a box. I discovered, by the way, guys,
00:22:46
that I have a pretty, I'm a pretty good ventriloquist and I,
00:22:51
yeah, and I can do a really good impression of a man in a box.
00:22:54
Go and do it. Excuse me, can somebody let me
00:22:59
out, please? I'm.
00:23:00
Stuck in a. Box like this, like somebody's
00:23:04
in a box with us. I can't do it.
00:23:05
Go on. That's not bad.
00:23:11
I got the excuse me. No, no, I didn't get that.
00:23:18
You think that it's like the key is like you to like use your
00:23:22
teeth to like make the words absolutely not all right.
00:23:30
And then there's ventriloquy like I can like I can just say
00:23:33
like this and I can still talk at the same time.
00:23:35
Apparently that's really good on Tillerquy.
00:23:36
Is it? I'm doing it right.
00:23:38
Yeah, that'll be the Botox. Does it?
00:23:40
No, no, no. I can start.
00:23:43
This is not in my face. It's like, oh, OK, fine, I can
00:23:47
just talk to you like this. Like, I feel like you're doing
00:23:50
something really weird. Britain's Got Talent.
00:23:52
You. Should get a puppet.
00:23:55
Yeah. Well, she won't like that.
00:23:59
Komodo Dragons, I can't even look a picture of 1.
00:24:02
I live in Scotland, so blessedly there is not much fear of me
00:24:04
ever bumping into one. All those Scottish Dragons, all
00:24:06
those Scottish Dragons. Microwaves is another one can't
00:24:11
be in the kitchen because when it's on, because I think it's
00:24:13
going to blow up. And this is what you said.
00:24:17
Actually, there's a couple more I'm going to give you.
00:24:19
So, dear Miss Nicky Thief, my mum used to have a balloon
00:24:21
phobia, and the squeaky noise they make when you touch them
00:24:25
was what mostly bothered her. I knew.
00:24:26
Yeah, it's the. And the fact that they might pop
00:24:29
if they popped unexpectedly that would send her into a full panic
00:24:31
attack. I remember growing up, she
00:24:33
wouldn't let us have balloons. She eventually worked through it
00:24:35
and now years have passed and it doesn't bother her anymore.
00:24:38
She says prayer helped her get over it.
00:24:41
Well, that's lovely. Yeah, that's really nice.
00:24:43
A lot of people struggle to get over their phobias.
00:24:45
Yeah, you've got, I think if you've got a phobia, the the
00:24:48
only way around it, you can't go around it.
00:24:50
You have to go through it. You have to do exposure therapy.
00:24:52
You have to teach your nervous system that what's going to
00:24:55
happen is not going to happen. I have a real phobia.
00:24:57
This is a real phobia of. It's called a metaphobia.
00:25:00
Sick. Don't I?
00:25:01
Oh, you do. Yeah.
00:25:02
Apart from it has got better because I've managed to narrow
00:25:04
it down. Like, I don't mind, like, sick
00:25:07
if I know the person's not I'll. Does that make sense?
00:25:10
So like if nobody likes being sick, but if it's like
00:25:14
norovirus, I will run for the hills.
00:25:16
Like the time that I. I did really well there, though.
00:25:20
You did. I even felt your head for a
00:25:22
temperature. Yeah.
00:25:25
So Jay was ill one of the nights while she was pregnant.
00:25:28
And then emergency cold maybe. And like, I can't.
00:25:30
I need to. Get to the hospital.
00:25:30
I thought it was. She thought it was like, really?
00:25:33
I thought it was pregnancy sickness gone haywire.
00:25:36
There was actually just norovirus at that point.
00:25:39
But I did really well. And then that taught me actually
00:25:41
that actually it's OK. It's OK exposure.
00:25:44
Therapy, exposure therapy. It's what you need at 2:00 AM.
00:25:47
What else? And this is a good one.
00:25:49
Dear Miss Nick Thief I used to have a boss whose phobia was
00:25:53
potatoes. Potatoes.
00:25:54
She was quite a mean boss at times, so when she wasn't very
00:25:57
nice to me I used to order a jacket potato for lunch.
00:26:01
Eat. It really in front of her that
00:26:04
is amazing. They're honestly there was such
00:26:07
a good response to this I think Like flick through a few people
00:26:11
eat in sweet corn and wind socks you see in airfields a phobia of
00:26:15
gum. Can't touch it, can't smell it.
00:26:19
I've even lost shoes when I've stepped in gum accidentally
00:26:22
getting barbed wire in my eyes. That's a phobia.
00:26:26
That's just a horrible thing that can happen.
00:26:28
Like it's thinking that, but they say here like when they
00:26:31
were a kid thinking if the car crashed, the eyes will be
00:26:34
impaled on the barbed wire. Oh, I've got that one.
00:26:37
Ice is another one. Driving over bridges is another
00:26:41
one. Sponges comes up a lot.
00:26:44
Sponges came up a lot. And yeah, try for phobia.
00:26:47
A lot of people have it. There was a lot of of fear of
00:26:51
holes. So yes, heights, knives, holes.
00:26:54
Heights, Knives and Post. We are a funny bunch of.
00:26:59
Humans, yeah, we're so interesting.
00:27:00
My biggest, we'll end on this. My biggest phobia.
00:27:04
Like proper phobia. Yeah, the holes one, but the
00:27:06
holes 1 isn't as bad as my claustrophobia.
00:27:11
Oh yeah, it is. Really.
00:27:13
Bad mind that so much. A lot of people get heights as
00:27:16
they get older and claustrophobia as they get
00:27:18
older. I used to caving and I loved it.
00:27:20
I haven't put myself in a claustrophobic situation for a
00:27:23
while. Heat.
00:27:24
I get really ants. I don't like heat.
00:27:25
I feel claustrophobic when I'm hot.
00:27:26
Yeah, no, but it's, it's it's bad.
00:27:28
And I decided what a few anniversaries ago, I decided to
00:27:32
book the restaurant in London, Dolan Noir, which is a
00:27:37
restaurant where all the waiters are blind and you get put in a
00:27:42
the, the restaurant is in pitch black darkness.
00:27:44
And I don't know why I didn't understand pitch black when they
00:27:48
said that. I thought it would be like dark.
00:27:50
Ambience. But you'd be able to maybe see
00:27:52
No, no, no, they, they take you there, they take you through.
00:27:55
I wouldn't like that. Though a zigzag maze to make
00:27:57
sure that there is absolutely no there is there is no light you
00:28:01
you have your eyes open how? Do the waiters see?
00:28:04
They're blind. What?
00:28:07
The waiters are blind, that's why I said.
00:28:10
What, like they're blind? Actually blind?
00:28:12
Or like no they. Pretended to be blind.
00:28:14
Oh, like, like actually blind? Yeah.
00:28:16
Da noir so you so. So they, they, they, they're
00:28:19
like. They know how to so they're just
00:28:20
normal they're. They're they're, yeah.
00:28:22
Oh my God. So they employ all blind waiters
00:28:25
and you experience being blind and I think the idea is that.
00:28:29
If you, you if you remove. Your your senses.
00:28:32
You can heighten your taste senses, but what happened for me
00:28:37
is I didn't think it through properly and we went in there
00:28:40
and I started to have an immediate panic attack because I
00:28:45
couldn't see anything and I felt like I was in a coffin.
00:28:48
Also, I'm partially deaf. So I just went, I went deaf and
00:28:53
blind. Yeah.
00:28:54
I couldn't hear very well. I couldn't see anything.
00:28:56
No, I. I.
00:28:59
I, I don't like not being able to see what I what I'm eating
00:29:02
though either. Like so that would weird me out.
00:29:03
Well, you know, I'm a bit weird about food.
00:29:05
Yeah, so, but it was, it was an amazing experience.
00:29:08
I would never do it again. Apparently afterwards, I, I, I,
00:29:12
I'm so proud of myself that I stayed in there.
00:29:14
And the only reason I stayed in there wasn't because I was like
00:29:16
brave or anything was because I was so British.
00:29:19
I was waiting for the poor waiter to finish his intro
00:29:22
because he, they take you over to the table and then he
00:29:24
explains how it works. He explains that if you feel in
00:29:26
front of you, you're going to find your knife and fork.
00:29:29
He's going to, he explains how that euping's going to go.
00:29:31
And I was there taking off clothes, sweating.
00:29:34
I couldn't breathe. And I was just so British.
00:29:36
I didn't want the poor man. I was like, I'll just wait for
00:29:38
him to finish his work and then I will die and ask to be taken
00:29:42
out and, and luckily his intro was like a good few minutes long
00:29:46
and it I so I went, I went over the hump of the.
00:29:50
Yeah, yeah. And but I was, I was holding on
00:29:52
to my partner's hand and he was, I was having to like, I was
00:29:56
sweating. It was horrible.
00:29:58
I didn't enjoy it. And I had to shut my eyes and
00:30:00
just keep pretending that I could visualise, like, wide open
00:30:02
spaces. And then, yeah.
00:30:05
And then afterwards I came out and they, the woman was like,
00:30:07
did you enjoy it? And I was like, no, it was hell.
00:30:09
And she was like, you know, every night we have to remove
00:30:11
someone from having a panic attack because people don't
00:30:13
understand how intense it is to not see.
00:30:16
So. But yeah, claustrophobia is I
00:30:20
wish I could overcome it because I the logical part of my mind
00:30:24
knows I'm fine. I've got I've got the rooms full
00:30:26
of air. I'm not gonna die.
00:30:28
But physically, I even now talking about it, I've got a wet
00:30:31
hand. Wow, that's wet.
00:30:33
Yes, well. That's phobia.
00:30:36
That is phobia. She's very wet from phobias, so
00:30:41
peculiar. Peculiar bunch of things.
00:30:43
Thanks guys for writing in, that was really interesting.
00:30:44
Really interesting. I don't.
00:30:45
Feel so alone in my weird phobias.
00:30:47
No, me neither. We're, we're all the same,
00:30:49
aren't we? We are all the same.
00:30:52
OK, now it's time for our favorite little section.
00:30:56
Note to self, should I read a note?
00:31:06
Yeah. Can you get on your Facebook on
00:31:07
there? Yeah, brilliant.
00:31:09
Oh, I can get my notes out. So yeah, basically anybody I
00:31:12
think, yeah, the way that we do this is the person that reads
00:31:14
out doesn't do the note to sell. Notes.
00:31:16
OK, I'm going. To go maybe does do the notes.
00:31:18
Oh, I don't know. I'm going to go into the notes
00:31:20
here. I'm just going to pull out.
00:31:27
Going into a notes. All right, OK, so this is the
00:31:31
part of the podcast when we remember it, where we, you know,
00:31:35
delve into sort of our memoirs either through the notes app
00:31:40
because basically they're all unhinged and on mine are, or we
00:31:44
go to the little memories tab on Facebook because we're
00:31:46
millennial and that gives us absolute jewels.
00:31:50
All the statuses, pictures, crunch, all that cringe effect.
00:31:55
Cringe history. So what are you gonna do, Jay?
00:31:56
Are you gonna pull up memories from Facebook?
00:31:58
Or no, pull up, I'm gonna, I've just done, I've write down my
00:32:01
notes app. These are notes that I have
00:32:04
written to myself at some point. Don't even know when this is,
00:32:06
but this one's called funny lines.
00:32:08
So I think I've I've heard or seen something funny and I've
00:32:12
jotted it down thinking one day use that.
00:32:14
Yeah, I'll use that, yeah, or something.
00:32:16
So let's just go. I'm blind, never read this in a
00:32:19
long time. Funny lines.
00:32:22
They are the Facebook of footwear.
00:32:24
What does that even mean? I don't know.
00:32:28
When was this? When was this?
00:32:30
How many years ago I mean? It's hard to say does.
00:32:34
It have a date. Yes, this was the 5th of August.
00:32:39
Oh, that's today, 2024, that's what.
00:32:43
It's a year ago, exactly a year ago today.
00:32:45
Oh, OK, so this isn't that long ago, all right.
00:32:47
This is they are the Facebook of footwear.
00:32:50
So OK, so you're referring to Facebook as being?
00:32:52
Maybe it's an insult. An insult then, because at your
00:32:54
one point, Facebook was the but I mean, Facebook still is the
00:32:57
biggest platform in the entire world.
00:32:59
The biggest, but it's very millennial.
00:33:02
OK, this is Vlad the Impaler. Didn't even start impaling
00:33:06
people until his mid 30s. We got time, so if you ever feel
00:33:12
like you're behind in life. Don't worry, he didn't start
00:33:14
impaling. Don't worry, he didn't start
00:33:15
impaling people to release his mid 30s.
00:33:17
It's like Van Gogh, isn't it? A lot, a lot of people weren't
00:33:20
famous until they were dead. We've got time.
00:33:26
Showing a YouTube video is a sign of great respect in our
00:33:29
culture. Is it?
00:33:32
I mean, I think so. Oh, this one's good.
00:33:35
I think these are like funny lines, but also maybe like funny
00:33:38
life quotes or something. But the dildo of consequences
00:33:43
rarely arrives lubed. Sorry, this is like a little
00:33:48
insight into the way your brain. Works.
00:33:50
I didn't like the. Dildo of consequence?
00:33:52
Ah quick, bring me the dildo of consequence.
00:33:55
The dildo of consequences. Sorry the KY Jelly, no hold.
00:33:59
The KY Jelly it. Rarely arrives lubed.
00:34:01
I think it means. Like you don't, You don't.
00:34:06
We don't know. If if a dragon flew overhead
00:34:10
right now, I'd be surprised, but not like surprise surprised
00:34:16
which I I'm I'm really trying to figure out.
00:34:19
Where you were in life at this point, basically you were
00:34:21
coaching me through life at this point.
00:34:24
Were these things you were going to say to me to.
00:34:26
Make me feel fine. I mean, I think I get that.
00:34:28
It's like so much shit's happening right now, but like
00:34:31
even if a dragon threw. Yeah, I get, no, I get that.
00:34:34
But I'm like, where were you in life?
00:34:35
And I'm like 5th of August. I mean you, you were coaching.
00:34:38
You were coaching me through life.
00:34:39
Coaching you through life. I'm staying at your house a lot
00:34:41
like. Never bite the hand that fingers
00:34:46
you. That's true.
00:34:49
What are these for? I don't know.
00:34:52
But I wrote them down. Oh, I'll tell you what, 35 years
00:34:56
old. What were you not nearly 35
00:34:57
years old? You know, just turned 35.
00:34:59
I'm going to write a memoir. Never bite the hand up that
00:35:02
fingers you. I think some of.
00:35:03
These are great. You're only as old as your
00:35:06
spine. These are great.
00:35:13
The eyes are the nipples of the face.
00:35:15
Right, right. You know what I said, each
00:35:20
episode I've been like, Johanna is really intelligent, very
00:35:26
great psychologically. These are making me question a
00:35:29
few things. OK, Eyes are the nipple of the
00:35:31
face. And I want to be held like a
00:35:34
fart on a first date. Do you know what tight tight in
00:35:39
there? Make sure Tommy hurt.
00:35:43
That's not coming out IBS. Oh, I'm going to out my my
00:35:47
boyfriend the other day. Right.
00:35:48
So like, sorry about this, but it is amazing.
00:35:52
And this might, may or may not make it into the podcast.
00:35:54
I have to ask him. But obviously when you're like
00:35:58
dating and stuff, you don't fart for ages in front of each other.
00:36:01
You give yourself tummy ache, right?
00:36:02
And then you get to a point where we were like, we have the
00:36:04
conversation and we're like, look, he was like, I've got
00:36:07
tummy ache. Like I can't do this anymore.
00:36:08
And I was like, OK, call me neither.
00:36:10
And then. And he's really gone, like
00:36:12
showing me his entire repertoire now.
00:36:14
Yeah. And like, to the point where I
00:36:15
was a bit like the other day. It's this.
00:36:17
It's quite a lot, actually. Put a few back in.
00:36:20
This is, yeah. Anyway, I'm sorry, I just
00:36:22
thought we were just a couple of people with IBS and I went,
00:36:26
yeah, fair. We can't.
00:36:28
I can't, I can't, I can't. I can't argue that because we
00:36:32
are just a couple of people with IBS.
00:36:33
I met you guys couples T-shirts, we.
00:36:35
Found what? Terrible.
00:36:37
And yeah, we're both so sensitive to like different
00:36:39
foods and but we eat it and then we're like, oh.
00:36:44
So I mean, there we are. They're.
00:36:45
These are amazing. They're just funny, funny lines
00:36:48
that I know words of wisdom. Worst of with little from the
00:36:51
Nuggets. Nuggets from the Notes app.
00:36:55
And you're welcome there. We are a little insight into my
00:36:57
weird brain. Well, wonderful, I've really
00:36:59
enjoyed this week. Yeah, this has been great.
00:37:01
We'll see you guys next time. Remember to like and follow dear
00:37:04
Miss Nickethief on any platform that you.
00:37:06
Wish to do so? Yeah.
00:37:08
And keep an eye on our Facebooks and Instagrams, on our personals
00:37:11
at It's Sophie Craigan at Johanna.
00:37:12
James And we have an Instagram for the podcast, Dear Mr.
00:37:14
Nickethief and that's where you can get involved.
00:37:17
DMS Yeah, Any anything. Anything really.
00:37:21
Well, not anything. Well, well, yeah, well, anything
00:37:23
if you want. But we do often put out
00:37:25
different sort of like calls to action on social about what
00:37:27
topic we're going to be talking about.
00:37:29
But if you do want ATM was anything, No penis pictures.
00:37:31
Thank you. No, we will out those.
00:37:34
No. We will.
00:37:35
We will be posting them. We'll be.
00:37:37
Fairing them, we said we're TM. Hosting, posting and roasting.
00:37:40
Is that too much? It's never too much.
00:37:42
Never too much Bye bye stop the. Cameras you've been listening to
00:37:56
Dear Mr. Nick Thief. If you want to get involved then
00:38:00
you can. There are a few ways you can do
00:38:01
it. And yeah, if you've got any
00:38:03
stories that make you want to curl up and die in the ground,
00:38:06
just swallow you whole, then we want to hear from you.
00:38:08
Love to hear them. Yeah, we'll share them with
00:38:09
everybody. We'd love to share them.
00:38:10
Public sharing is caring. It is so you can DM us at or
00:38:14
Instagram. Dear Miss Nick thief and a tick
00:38:17
tock. Got a tick tock.
00:38:18
Tick tock. We've got a tick tock now.
00:38:21
DMS Nick Thief and and we've got an e-mail
00:38:23
dearmrnickthief@gmail.com. Yeah, because we're cheaper, we
00:38:26
didn't want to pay for the actual name.
00:38:28
So it's still Gmail. Well, yeah, get in touch.
00:38:33
We put shout outs on our socials, so keep an eye on them
00:38:35
on our personal socials as well. At Johanna James, at It's Sophie
00:38:38
Craig. And yeah, get involved with all
00:38:40
your little topics and telltales and we'll share them out.
00:38:43
And remember, Yeah, it's never too much.
00:38:46
Might be too much, maybe. Thank you.