Hold onto your knickers as we open the diary on the night that Sophie accidentally, nearly became a prostitute and spent the evening with 'Mr Long', while Jahannah tells us the sordid story of her alter ego stripper, for one night only, the world met...Ruby. We talk worst jobs ever in this hilarious podcast with comedian Arron Crascall.
Follow Dear Mr. Knickerthief on Instagram to be part of the show!
00:00:00
Hi guys. The following podcast was
00:00:01
recorded in lockdown. So, you know, just forgive a bit
00:00:05
of the sound. It might be a bit crap in
00:00:07
places, but it is what it is. We did our best.
00:00:10
So, enjoy come on record for one night only I worked as a
00:00:16
stripper and the laughing about that.
00:00:23
I'm not laughing about that. No rhythm.
00:00:30
This podcast talks openly about mental health, sex
00:00:32
relationships, and various other personal subjects that some
00:00:35
people may find triggering. Now, I know what you thinking,
00:00:38
so I'm just going to explain a little bit.
00:00:40
Why do you mr. Nick, a thief.
00:00:42
So, basically long story short, when I was in year 5, I went
00:00:45
swimming with my class and a guy came in the changing room and
00:00:49
stole everybody's knickers. So I did what any responsible
00:00:52
ten-year-old girl would do. And I wrote a letter addressed
00:00:56
to said, local pedo printed it off and handed it out around my
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It contained some comedy gold if I do say so myself poetic
00:01:05
almost. Yeah not only did little Sophie
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writes the local PD while she also wrote to herself every day
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in her diary and when we found it were like, this is hilarious.
00:01:14
People have to hear this Soul. Here we are.
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Hi guys, welcome back to Dear, mr.
00:01:18
Nick, a thief. It's me, Sophie Kraig and three.
00:01:22
Johana James. Yes.
00:01:23
And we have got a fabulous guest for you.
00:01:26
Today, we've got another than the lovely.
00:01:29
I'm Cresskill. Hello?
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Hello. Hey, I'm so nervous.
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It's my first ever Zoom. Are you sure you've never done
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Zoo? I'm being serious.
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My first-ever zoom. Have you gone through the whole
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of lockdown with without doing a zoom?
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We just do like WhatsApp. So there's a lot.
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I've only got like four friends. I've never done one of these
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before. This is insane.
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Sophie, where are we going today?
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In the time machine will diary. So we are going to August 2012.
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Again 12, this looks good. What were you doing in August
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until sometime? I was 29 years old.
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Well yeah, what was? I was 22.
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I was 21 cheese. Yeah, we're all in our 20s.
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I was 21 and Over the 20. This is act.
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Yeah, we're all their twenties and this is actually the the
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first or second day I moved to London.
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So. Oh wow.
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Yeah baby. Okay.
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August 2012. The time I was nearly a
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prostitute and has let us begin. That's insane.
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I moved to London and it set up a job after applying to a job
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singing in a jazz club it was on the stage website or so, I
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thought. So this is actually written a
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little bit later on, then when it happened.
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Does that make sense? So, like I like to just, I just
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keep everything. Like, I like to write things
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down. I've always written.
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Yeah. So this isn't like the day
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after, like, this is a good few months after it, you reminiscing
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about this. Times, but it happened in August
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2012. So, it was my second day in
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London, and I arrived to a weird little Underground club in
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Mayfair. I wandered in wearing a little
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black dress with my little CD. I burned the backing tracks of
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some classic jazz on tofu. Okay, I used to sing at by the
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way, that's why I love it. The steps took me down under the
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ground and I came across a really big Polish, man who was
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at the desk. He said, should I do?
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Post go on said. Yeah.
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Cool. Is that good stuff?
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Hello Sophie. Hello, I can't do it.
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Is this what you are wearing? I was like, well that's the
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first thing he said to you. Yeah.
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Oh we're not even. Hello or anything?
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Just you wait. All right.
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I was like, well, yeah that's why I'm wearing, isn't it?
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And he was like, well, you can go down the stairs and get
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changed down there. I was like, what?
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Wait, why I'm here to audition and he said, yes.
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Yes. Fine.
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Fine go. So, I walked into the bar and
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sat down in the Batman, saved me an alcoholic drink.
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I was like right. Okay, thank you.
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Yeah, thank you. It was 11:00 a.m. the dress
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worked. It was 11:00 a.m.
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I think about 1:00 in the wow. That's completely fine.
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So as kind of late, it's kind of late to be fair, isn't it?
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Hmm. And then it was like um okay
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well actually no I have to I have to sing and the guy in the
00:05:02
black suit came up all over and was like oh okay you have to go
00:05:05
upstairs. Oh man, I left the bar and made
00:05:09
my way upstairs and it was somebody's flat.
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So I knocked at the door. Oh no.
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It's in European woman. Let me in and sat me down at her
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dining table. And then she went, okay, sing
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for me, it was like, I was like what?
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Like that? Now just saw her dad and table
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and she was like, yes, so I draw it out.
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A version of, I can't make you love me and it was fucking
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awkward. She said, okay, stop the job is
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yours. Come back tomorrow night.
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PM you stopped. Wow.
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Yeah. So that was that.
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Okay, the next day I come back da Ting, same said black dress
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and was ushered into a changing room behind the tiny little
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stage and was greeted by a pack of bare.
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Breasted women changing into underworld bad.
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I mean, it was like, I'd opened curtains on a pack of sleeping
00:06:05
bats, and I felt this horrific glare from the she-wolves.
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Honestly, I literally walked in and they were like, wow.
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So it's like I put my stuff down and was like you, you wearing a
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dress tonight to one of the women and she looked at me and
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just shook her head. Oh no.
00:06:26
So it was just, so I went back out into the large and took a
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seat at the bar, and the barman that I'd met yesterday, and give
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me another drink, I sipped it, and then another girl came over
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and sat down. So, how long have you been doing
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this for? She said, and I was like, oh,
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well, that's Really I've just left drama school and she was
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like, oh well it's very nice here of the people there are
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very nice as I cook. Great, that's nice.
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Great, that's a lovely to no. Thank you.
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And then the owner came over the lady who auditioned me and she
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said, oh, there's something I forgot to tell you, you'll be
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hosting two. So, if someone orders champagne
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and offered you, some you have to sit down with them.
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If they order a bottle over 300 pounds, you'll get commission.
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I was like, this doesn't sound good.
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Okay. Yeah, great.
00:07:14
I've been so few of them clubs up here.
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Yeah, only res research for videos and that, right?
00:07:21
I said absolutely. Absolutely.
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I don't know what those accents doing so just allows fine.
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It's great because they're worried about what the where
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this is going. Yeah, go on.
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Keep going. I'm really intrigued.
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Nice life. You stop this now.
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My laptop went dead. I do.
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My God. No.
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I need to know what happened. How much commission did she get?
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Then the lady sat next to me pipes back up.
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Oh, yes. See, it's really great here.
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You can make so much money to and I said, oh really.
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Wow. Okay, great.
00:07:58
That's like, so, what kind of things do you do?
00:08:01
Like, what do you say? And she went no, you know, for
00:08:05
the sex, how my face just dropped.
00:08:09
I must have literally dropped so before I had A man walks in and
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then all these ladies from the changing room, come out and
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parade across the lounge in a line.
00:08:18
And I some back into my chair at the bomb was like, okay, maybe,
00:08:22
maybe it's not that bad, maybe they're just, maybe they're just
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dancing for him. And so yeah, so I just sat there
00:08:27
holding this little drink and then I got a tap on the shoulder
00:08:30
by a bouncer mr. Long requests, Your Presence at
00:08:35
the table, I still wait. What.
00:08:38
Mr. Long was that like a nickname?
00:08:40
His name was mr. Long.
00:08:41
Well very well. You'll think it was like, yeah,
00:08:44
I mean, that is not Shirley was that mr.
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Mister big from Sex in the sea, I think he's compensating mr.
00:08:54
Girth wants to speak to, you is like, you know, it's something
00:08:58
bad mr. Long, I could be anything.
00:09:01
I missed the long, mr. Short, it's long legs long list
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of big. Almost a girl who's when you
00:09:09
should start going, okay, I don't really want to be here
00:09:11
anymore. Right.
00:09:12
So did you go over to mr. Wong.
00:09:16
Well, the other girls were scouring at me.
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So obviously all these, the girls would come out and
00:09:22
presented themselves to miss the long and he went actually no.
00:09:24
I'll have that quiet while at the bar.
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That was all of Jesus. Yeah, that's my that's my
00:09:29
method. When I go out to a club as well
00:09:31
it works. Yeah, it works just hide.
00:09:35
So I sat down and was like You're right.
00:09:40
And he was at least like 6572 and he ordered a 300-pound
00:09:44
bottle of champagne but shit, it means you've got to sit with him
00:09:49
and drink it so how much effort you could commission?
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I know you're gonna tell us about that.
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No, she didn't. Well, should we go back and get
00:09:57
that? Now we influencers with a bit of
00:10:00
dollar, we can just do know what?
00:10:02
I'll tell you after I tell you laughter, Okay, so He ordered a
00:10:08
300-pound bottle of champagne shit.
00:10:11
This means I've got a sick with him, the bouncer, then came over
00:10:14
and said, you can go sing now. Thank fuck.
00:10:17
So, I got up and sang buried in mind.
00:10:19
There was only missed along in the bar, no, and then had to sit
00:10:24
back down after it after that. I went to the bar and sat and
00:10:29
there was a girl and her boyfriend there, but they were
00:10:31
pausing as brother and sister so they could work together in the
00:10:33
bar which actually thinking about it.
00:10:35
It's pretty clever. She was a dancer on the stage
00:10:38
and he He was singing But as they come Ed come together.
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She was not approached to horse know which I was poor girl and
00:10:46
she was an actress too. I was told I had to go and sit
00:10:49
with mr. Long until the bottle of
00:10:50
champagne was finished. So he cuddles back over with his
00:10:53
bottle of champagne and after chatting about his wealth, seven
00:10:56
children and watching the girl dance and was never about three
00:10:59
glasses out of sheer, determination to finish the
00:11:01
fucking bottle. He puts 60 pounds and the top of
00:11:05
your dress and put his hand on my leg.
00:11:10
The bouncer took me to one side and says mr.
00:11:12
Long would like you to leave with him.
00:11:14
Oh no. And he and he offered me three
00:11:18
thousand pounds to leave the bow as you were Nando's the Nando's.
00:11:23
Yeah. I even asked I said it was
00:11:27
insinuated. I mean people all over the club
00:11:30
were like naked. At this point, she's the
00:11:33
bouncer. I said, what?
00:11:35
No way. I'm singing.
00:11:36
I'm not been told about any of this.
00:11:38
I was like, what we have to leave for sex and the bouncer
00:11:41
looked really shocked. That I hadn't been told about
00:11:43
what this place was and suddenly took pity on me.
00:11:46
So I went and sat back down at the bar and mr.
00:11:48
Long left well with another girl and I watched three girls and
00:11:51
one guy making out in the corner.
00:11:55
I sang. Once More in the bouncer said,
00:11:56
go on, you can go. Sorry, I didn't do the accent.
00:11:59
Go on, you can go, I left and I used to 60 pound to get a cab
00:12:02
back home. Cried the whole way and woke up
00:12:05
with a headache. I text the woman the next
00:12:07
morning said I can't You didn't tell me what this was.
00:12:09
You told me it was a singing job.
00:12:11
I was nearly bloody saw my God. And that was my first night in
00:12:16
London. The end.
00:12:19
I mean, I've seen taken. Yeah, James very badly.
00:12:25
So naive. Isn't that how dangerous is it?
00:12:29
Well, I applied for it on the stage so when I moved out when I
00:12:33
moved from Manchester so I lived in Cumbria then I went to
00:12:35
Manchester and then I went from Manchester Street to London.
00:12:38
And I was looking for jobs, so I applied for a job.
00:12:40
I was working in a theater that the Phoenix Theater in the
00:12:43
afternoon. I think Blood Brothers was on,
00:12:45
and then that was the job. I had set up, and then I know
00:12:47
the job I had, was singing in a bar, in Mayfair.
00:12:52
It was on the stage. The stage is a, the stage is
00:12:54
like a, an actor's industry magazine.
00:12:57
Oh okay. Okay.
00:12:59
And it was, it was advertised in there as a singing job.
00:13:01
So suppose still there. Probably was a myth that you
00:13:05
Google it now because if it is, I want to go there for a drink
00:13:07
with both of you after this, It's happening.
00:13:11
We're gonna get your 30 pounds where?
00:13:13
Yeah, where did you get your bloody commission?
00:13:17
Where's my commission? It's ridiculous.
00:13:19
It's like weird. I didn't get it.
00:13:21
I didn't get it because I am I just left got the bouncer kind
00:13:25
of like helped me leave. Which was quite sweet because I
00:13:28
think he'd gone off fuck. It's like I know the one that
00:13:30
like looking back on it. He's got, it's another one.
00:13:32
That's like it said. He's like a good.
00:13:35
He's like one of the good guys in Taken.
00:13:37
Yeah, yeah. He was like, Go, go, go.
00:13:39
Take it out strong. I really want to know what mr.
00:13:41
Long would have wanted. I mean, he might have just if he
00:13:44
was that age. Not just I did it right it down.
00:13:47
He did say he wanted a blowjob to be free ground but I didn't
00:13:51
write it 20 G, that's not bad. I don't know if that was for
00:13:54
free ground. He asked he said, will you
00:13:56
leave? I'll pay you three grand and
00:13:57
then put it the previous to that he'd said, what he would have
00:14:01
enjoyed and I was just that's how I like it.
00:14:04
Yeah, I mean if you had if I hadn't have known, it was a sex.
00:14:06
It's the sled. I did that.
00:14:09
It's just so CD in it like like London is just so bad like it's
00:14:14
just crazy a grand if I was thinking well it's on.
00:14:19
Oh yeah. I mean I can see why the girl at
00:14:21
the bar was like it's very nice. Yeah good about that.
00:14:24
I bet you do darling. I bet you sure if you could just
00:14:28
get a miss the long three times a month.
00:14:30
I mean just saying some of what happened?
00:14:34
How much was your friend in London at the time?
00:14:37
Yeah, like Powerful 500 quits because of the people.
00:14:40
Yeah, I did a bit like, but enrolled, you would have been
00:14:43
literally like, everyone would have been like, what safety up
00:14:46
to, but I'm a singer in a jazz club.
00:14:49
Yeah, she's not, she's just a burden.
00:14:53
Is 80 grand under there and that loads of business cards from
00:14:57
like men. Yeah, that was my first job in
00:15:02
the end says, a lot of jobs in London, but that was my first in
00:15:07
contrast era. Ian.
00:15:08
Yeah. What was your first job?
00:15:10
Yeah. My first job was, when I was 15
00:15:13
years old in an Indian restaurant in Dover.
00:15:15
And I don't, if you could, if I can zoom in on this but I've got
00:15:18
a scar going across here. Oh yeah.
00:15:21
Can you see that? Yeah.
00:15:22
Okay. So listeners, Aaron's got a
00:15:24
little scar going across the power of.
00:15:26
Yeah, I've got a scar right across man from here to here and
00:15:29
it, and I lasted three hours in an Indian restaurant.
00:15:33
My first job was cutting onions. So I grabbed my Onion in my
00:15:38
hand, I picked out a brand-new knife out of a packet, the knife
00:15:42
went through, the onion them through into my hand three hours
00:15:46
when I was 15 and the guy tried paying me off because I was too
00:15:49
young to work and I had to go to hospital.
00:15:52
Oh my god, of course. Yeah.
00:15:54
But mine weren't three grand. It was like 50 Quid, a
00:16:00
fifteen-year-old. Like that was in 1997. 1997.
00:16:05
No not you know, nicely not easy.
00:16:08
I don't let me point this out later the desert 1997 and at 50
00:16:13
covers a lot money. 50 Quid was like 15 grand them.
00:16:16
Well yeah, as well old. So, I mean world as well.
00:16:19
What about you, Joe? I just let me die.
00:16:20
Know you have some weird-ass jobs jobs, but I remember my
00:16:25
first job was babysitting in the community in the local
00:16:30
community. Yeah, be quiet.
00:16:31
Okay. And I remember this boy who
00:16:34
lived a few doors down, he was about eight or nine, kind of at
00:16:37
the Th re sort of like it's not cute anymore, it's just like and
00:16:41
you're not he's not all that the missing a few teeth.
00:16:42
Yeah. And so it round and his mum said
00:16:49
like bed by 10:00, you know, no junk food all that stuff and I
00:16:53
was being nice to the guy and being and he was like bed by
00:16:55
10:00 and I was like that or if I know that you said half an
00:16:58
hour 10:30 you know like I'll be nice to you and then after 10:30
00:17:02
I was like dude I can't let your mum told me a time and I'm sorry
00:17:05
but I've got to do it so I sent him to bed.
00:17:07
So the Little little dick was like, right?
00:17:11
I'm gonna get her back. So when I then went home, my mom
00:17:14
got a phone call from his mom because he said that johana had
00:17:18
had boys over and was making out with boys on the sofa while I
00:17:23
was babysitting boys. Oh boy, oh boy.
00:17:28
Oh boy. Oh boy.
00:17:29
I had a boy over. And I was like, am I?
00:17:33
I did, I did I just sent this kid to bed and like the fact
00:17:36
that my mom didn't believe me. He was like, oh no this white
00:17:40
wire with this kid, make it up. I was like because we sent him
00:17:43
to bed and and anyway, the only way that I got out of that the
00:17:48
believe me was because that was the first day that I got my
00:17:50
braces. And you know, when you first get
00:17:52
braces and you are in so much pain and you're like dribbling
00:17:55
and you're like your heart I've never had a okay.
00:17:58
So when you first have braces for the first day or two you are
00:18:01
in agony, your hold your car over and you're dribbling and
00:18:05
you can't. Yeah, you don't want it.
00:18:06
You don't want to see a boy. She probably, but that's a fair
00:18:16
point. She sure to strip.
00:18:17
Like, yeah, I had to apologize and I was like, shut up
00:18:22
babysitting you again like car for the Laura.
00:18:26
I babysat and they do get away with murder Dorothy, I was nice.
00:18:31
Oh no. He'd be like what?
00:18:33
He probably be like 24. Now you need to find him and ask
00:18:37
him. Why have you like?
00:18:38
Yeah he probably found using my life.
00:18:40
We found it. It's game on this show.
00:18:42
Like you need to speak to an assay but I like it will be such
00:18:46
a good show. I'm gonna get the boy on.
00:18:49
You screwed me up when I like and asking why like why it would
00:18:53
that would be such a good segment of the show was over.
00:18:57
I thought that was what was his name?
00:19:00
His name was Seth Seth, Seth was that if you're listening, don't
00:19:04
know what his second name was. It was just Seth the neighbor.
00:19:08
It's gonna be hard to track down with a name like that.
00:19:10
Seth I mean he's family still live there.
00:19:13
I could find him. I'll find it.
00:19:14
You already follows you follows you as well.
00:19:17
Probably does. My first job was Ida paper.
00:19:28
Round. I did nice.
00:19:30
Yeah, I did. And it was The Advertiser.
00:19:32
So used to have to put all of like the different leaflet mom
00:19:34
was at it. I've seen this in thing.
00:19:37
You put all the things in the beginning and then every week
00:19:40
you'd get like seven pounds through the door and an envelope
00:19:43
and that route me brown envelope.
00:19:44
Yay! Yeah.
00:19:46
And then it got really hard because I used to do so many
00:19:49
extracurricular activities. If you've listened to see
00:19:51
someone you love heard about how much of a nerd I am and I used
00:19:55
to have to try and cram it in and I once had that this
00:19:58
breakdown and just shoved all the leaflets in a bush left him
00:20:02
there. Oh my God, just do get paid.
00:20:05
Yeah, yeah. How many few people will miss in
00:20:07
there? Nettle leaf look that way gasps.
00:20:10
Oh no. Oh my God.
00:20:13
It's like, it was like a Scandinavian shop, like it's,
00:20:15
like an Aldi net. Oh yeah.
00:20:19
It was yellow. We've got an Audi in it and a
00:20:21
little, we had a song. It was like what's yellow and
00:20:24
black and full of Crap, a nettle bag is a great song.
00:20:30
Oh, and if you came into school with a net or bag used to get
00:20:33
picked on like if my mum, like, but now as an adult, I might, of
00:20:36
course, I'm going to pay 5 P4 a tin of beans.
00:20:37
Why the hell would I know? But now she was like, back then,
00:20:42
if you were given a net or bag to put like, your PE kit in or
00:20:44
whatever, because I was one of them kids that, you know, her
00:20:46
like you have a test score but I'll go to yeah Jessica, nice
00:20:48
backpack. If you had on that all bag, like
00:20:52
you were, you were got, you got picked up, I find myself, Do my
00:20:56
tins if somebody would come round for dinner so that it
00:20:58
wouldn't see Neta on it. You will talk about you wanna
00:21:00
talk about getting picked on, right?
00:21:01
I was about sixteen Stone five foot high with big puffy hair
00:21:08
out here and it was an undercut. So when you lifted my hair up,
00:21:11
it was all bald. Anyway, my mum.
00:21:13
My mum wouldn't buy school uniform properly from the
00:21:15
school? So she used to buy like, like,
00:21:19
makeshift black jumpers. So, so that School logo onto the
00:21:25
jump. /, And once, Put lever elbow pads on my woolly jumper.
00:21:37
I was a hit. I was like the absolute Target.
00:21:41
Yeah, roster. But I'm gonna bring her in a
00:21:43
minute. No, fuck elbow pads on a jumper
00:21:50
that was because that was going to make it more hard wearing it
00:21:53
would last you, you. Yeah, I know that but like, it
00:21:56
didn't make anything else hardware.
00:21:58
And I was getting dragged through the concrete by about
00:22:00
eight kids every day. I didn't make it skin like
00:22:03
leather. Yeah, I hate that least throw
00:22:06
up. I was all right.
00:22:14
Yeah, and I went to McDonald's for three years.
00:22:16
There's one thing I looked that why I need to ask you some
00:22:19
questions about this so far gone.
00:22:21
Can you make your own burgers for lunch at McDonald's?
00:22:24
Can you make like a 17 High stack Big Mac for your lunch,
00:22:27
people used to pounder. Then then a bit of chicken, then
00:22:35
a couple of Big Macs, then put another bit of bread and then
00:22:37
put some Big Mac sauce on top. People used to do that and more
00:22:41
at the end of the day because obviously Cook everything.
00:22:43
Yes. And then like, if it didn't get
00:22:45
used, people would just eat it or you take it home.
00:22:48
All people have made it like their own burgers and stuff up
00:22:50
with on you ever get any complaints?
00:22:52
Sorry, Chad, I'm just completely kicking about it, but I'm
00:22:54
leaving you like, did you ever get any?
00:22:56
Did you ever spit anyone's food now?
00:22:58
I never did, she's a ship and put it back in, but I mean there
00:23:03
were some, you know, just make sure what I would always say
00:23:08
with any fast food. Joint is make sure you can watch
00:23:10
the food being made. Oh, God.
00:23:12
Okay, yeah, that's right. So Johanna, I know you've had
00:23:18
some creepy jobs. Do you want to divulge?
00:23:20
You don't have to but it would be great if you wanted to do be
00:23:23
a good one to Hannah. Please creepy girl.
00:23:26
What like my, you know, I really have to say it please.
00:23:32
Why can't? We, were you a foot model or
00:23:34
something? No, I can't.
00:23:42
I don't care if you don't notice no.
00:23:44
Do you have to say it? Okay so I some do it.
00:23:49
Downgrade it. Anyway no you know what?
00:23:51
The exact like I don't want like, oh okay.
00:23:54
I'm going to very lightly coat this.
00:23:55
I Want It. All right, so sorry.
00:23:58
Yes. Okay.
00:23:59
Come on, my God for one night only.
00:24:04
I worked as a stripper me and the laughing about that.
00:24:12
I'm not laughing about that. I got no rhythm.
00:24:16
And so basically what happened. I went through a really awful
00:24:19
breakup and I think I think I'm mentally.
00:24:22
I think I had a breakdown and I saw an advert in Kings Cross
00:24:25
station. Saying, dancers wanted for a
00:24:27
club. It was very similar to Sophie
00:24:29
story and I thought middle naive me.
00:24:31
I was like, nightclub could be a dancer.
00:24:34
Not Club. Yeah yeah I was off and I was
00:24:37
like I could be a Podium dancer. Yeah well I thought it was I
00:24:40
thought it was girls dressed in like little outfits just dancing
00:24:43
away getting hanged and I was like, boom.
00:24:47
So a turn up for an audition but the everyone was cleaning and
00:24:51
they were like, oh, there's nobody to audition you, but you
00:24:53
look great, come back, come back Monday night.
00:24:56
And I'm like, so I arrived up, it's literally the same story.
00:25:00
I arrived on a Monday night. You gotta think, is it going to?
00:25:04
Be busy in on a Monday night. There's something up here.
00:25:07
Yeah, I mean I sang an entire job is set to just one man in a
00:25:12
bar. So you do mr.
00:25:13
Long, come on, he's a legend. So I turned up at the door and
00:25:16
then they go. What's your name?
00:25:17
And I'm like Donna and they're like, no, what is your name?
00:25:21
And I'm like, Crystal will be ready gemstone.
00:25:32
We had to do burlesque and my burlesque It was Ruby.
00:25:34
So I just went straight to Ruby ribbon as Isis.
00:25:38
But you, how does a good stripper?
00:25:39
Sorry, James does sound a little bit like a porn.
00:25:44
Star Johanna, Johanna James. It's like Jamison Kennedy chain.
00:25:50
It's very similar in there. So I don't know what you're
00:25:52
talking about. Well, Google it Johanna.
00:25:57
Anyway, it's stripper named come on.
00:25:59
So I got these a nice stripper name.
00:26:01
So real fee. So Ruby Ruby Soho Ruby enters
00:26:08
the club. Again it very clear to you for
00:26:10
the beautiful like Eastern European girls.
00:26:15
Amazing boobs. Like whoa and I was like oh my
00:26:19
God. Also I realize I never been to a
00:26:21
strip club before so I didn't know no no I haven't.
00:26:25
I've never been. Why would I be out of bed one?
00:26:28
So that's all right thing. So I can stack those.
00:26:30
I thought it was a nightclub like dumbest ago when we were at
00:26:33
University. You know, like in the movies
00:26:37
when you see Dart in the movie it's just, it's not like the
00:26:40
movies guys, not 09. And I decided I wanted to leave
00:26:45
and I couldn't because they put your personal belongings into a
00:26:48
locker and they lock them until 4:00 in the morning, when the
00:26:51
Club closes. So I couldn't leave.
00:26:53
If I wanted you, because they had my, my phone, my everything.
00:26:56
So I was like, you know what I mean, there's only one way out
00:26:59
of this. And that's on the stage.
00:27:02
I got plow throw. I'm going to browse out.
00:27:04
Yeah. And I'm there with me sinking,
00:27:06
the champagne glasses like, well, just get it over and done
00:27:08
with. And I thought I met this lovely
00:27:11
girl who was British and she was like, oh my God, your English
00:27:14
like that? Yeah, they said, we could be
00:27:16
friends. I'm going to show you the ropes,
00:27:18
girl. And I was like, okay, wow,
00:27:20
completely shitting myself go. And what have I got myself into
00:27:25
having a mental breakdown? What am I doing here?
00:27:27
I can't dance. I don't know.
00:27:29
And then she's like, Okay, so here's how it works.
00:27:31
We go up on stage and we do two dances and I'm like, okay, and
00:27:36
we get on stage and like they're probably like poles and
00:27:39
everything. And I'm like, you know what, if
00:27:41
I'm gonna go for it, I'm gonna go, I was gone through be there
00:27:45
with me. The first song can't work like a
00:27:51
witness. Not getting kind of into this.
00:27:53
Come in. Please tell me it was Pony, by
00:27:55
the way. It was, it was Monday nights.
00:27:57
There was about three people in the whole club so that was the
00:27:59
song Come and have a nice. So long, I can't remember.
00:28:02
Mr. Long was probably that it's a long was probably there at the
00:28:04
back with Sophia bar. Like yeah.
00:28:08
Oh my God. And then some number two came on
00:28:11
and I'll sit into it and then the girl next to me when take
00:28:15
off your top and I'm like what I did over this and she's like,
00:28:20
some number two, you have to take off your top.
00:28:23
You can't just stay in your clothes like brought a bra off.
00:28:26
Yeah, very close. And then I was like, oh my God,
00:28:29
like, I have to do you you had on just like knickers and bra.
00:28:33
I had like a kind of logic know I had a dress and then lingerie
00:28:37
on, so I said take the dress so you have got to take your boobs
00:28:39
and stuff, but the dress was off when the first song because he
00:28:43
is only certain The Mandalay as you got on and then the second
00:28:46
was it got so far off Lords? How many men were at?
00:28:50
How many people are in the club, like three.
00:28:52
It was like, no one, no. So basically got like a boob
00:28:55
each basically one boat so I did that.
00:29:00
I did the song you say yes and how your Ruby?
00:29:06
Come on, rude. It wasn't me.
00:29:08
It was Ruby and then it but I have to say it was weirdly
00:29:15
Empower be Ruby was left on that stage.
00:29:18
Exactly. So anyway the night went on
00:29:21
pretty uneventfully and I managed to get out and I got my
00:29:24
stuff back and I never went back and but officially I can say
00:29:28
that I work professionally as a How much did you get paid?
00:29:32
See the thing. They also didn't tell you.
00:29:34
Is they take 50 percent. They skip a lot of the details.
00:29:40
I'm actually glad people do they do.
00:29:43
There is a lot of guidelines and a lot of blah, blah breaking.
00:29:47
So yeah, they they they take 50% of what you earn on the way out.
00:29:52
Yeah. And I didn't learn really think
00:29:55
really because I wasn't like a girls the girls whenever
00:29:59
somebody does. I'm into the club, they all rush
00:30:01
over and yeah so I didn't have it.
00:30:15
I got about 30 quid and then and then to top it all off as well.
00:30:20
Considering that I am. I was walking through a common
00:30:24
Garden at 4 a.m. and a guy came up behind me Grabbed me and and
00:30:32
went to attack me. Luckily I was I was saved
00:30:34
because somebody else came what bottled it in and ran off.
00:30:37
So I ended up having to go to the police, making a full report
00:30:41
to the police about the incident.
00:30:44
And then the police had to say, were like, well, where were you
00:30:47
that night? And I was like, no, where and
00:30:50
then they were like, we need Tell the police about Ruby, they
00:30:59
will know what it's very possible that this man follows
00:31:01
you from the club. So we're going to have to go
00:31:03
back to the club and look at the CCTV footage of in Tammy, he was
00:31:07
there to see and I was like, so you're gonna have to go and
00:31:12
watch the video Beyonce, you didn't know that.
00:31:15
We could invest all three of us together in a club.
00:31:18
We've got a jazz singer on a stripper and mr.
00:31:21
Lane with your DJ. Yeah.
00:31:27
And it's DJ got to make him for everything we have.
00:31:33
Now, when I did a call-out social media to ask anybody
00:31:36
about this those jobs or they're embarrassing jobs.
00:31:38
We had so many replies. So I've picked out some of the
00:31:41
ones that I thought were funny, right?
00:31:44
So, this is from Toby Belle De Vere.
00:31:48
And he said, so I'm a restaurant specialist in in a hotel one day
00:31:52
and the girl from reception calls and said Toby, we need a
00:31:55
strong man because there's a lady who's she's feeling her
00:31:58
room and she can't get up. So he had to go and pick her up.
00:32:03
What the receptionist forgot to say was that she was 78 years
00:32:07
old and he was quite a nice. Yeah, like quite a nice thing.
00:32:12
Oh my God, my one of my, my first day on piano, when I was a
00:32:15
steward on the boats, I was a bomb on the boat for three years
00:32:19
and an old lady. Come over to me and said, excuse
00:32:21
me, I was like, you had to stand there.
00:32:23
And so basically your first two weeks, which is getting used to
00:32:25
the boat going around the boat asking people, if they need any
00:32:28
help, this little lady come up to me.
00:32:31
She said, excuse me. Can you help me?
00:32:32
I said, yeah, what would you like?
00:32:33
She was sick over herself. Oh my first issue, babe all over
00:32:37
herself, all over a feet and then just walked off.
00:32:39
Was she drunk? Or was it seasick?
00:32:41
Most of Seasick? Yeah.
00:32:42
God bless, excuse me. Can you help me?
00:32:46
Can you help me? That was it?
00:32:49
Excuse me. And it was all down to seven and
00:32:52
she was just, I was just like, what have I just done?
00:32:56
Like, what have I, just what job is this?
00:33:00
I do Nina said that. She worked in a electrical store
00:33:07
and this guy came in one day and she was wearing the sort of they
00:33:11
don't dress. So it was quite baggy and she
00:33:15
had a she was ringing up a customer and then she had to
00:33:17
have a big yawn and she apologized.
00:33:20
And he said no worries, your spirit.
00:33:22
Yeah, pregnant and you basically insinuating that she was
00:33:26
pregnant, so don't worry. She's sleeping for two quite
00:33:29
clearly and she goes, if that wasn't embarrassing enough, she
00:33:33
Was astounded. That her cover-up was oh no I'm
00:33:35
not pregnant, I'm just gassy. That leads me.
00:33:41
Always good to an email. Somebody is just sent in
00:33:45
actually about gas and her name is Jenny and she wrote in
00:33:50
wanting to share her story with us on Jenny floor is yours.
00:33:54
She says, I have this really weird thing with my body.
00:33:55
They have someone else touches the bottom of my belly button.
00:33:57
I fart for as long as I can remember.
00:33:59
Even when I was little, I had an outie belly button.
00:34:01
And when I got popped their, I would Now my belly button is
00:34:04
gone in and it's really deep it happens when someone touches the
00:34:07
bottom of it and it caused quite the stir at Uni, I like to wear
00:34:10
crop tops in the summer and people would comment and how
00:34:12
deep my belly button is I even got an award for it, some tickle
00:34:17
and poke me and you can imagine the Uproar when I start farting
00:34:19
because of it, she's a legend. Thanks to that right away.
00:34:27
She can she can fight on demand, that's really impressive, not
00:34:30
express the belly button and it does it.
00:34:33
Yeah, since I said no doesn't work this way.
00:34:36
But what do you mean? I've been trying like quite a
00:34:38
few minutes. I just feels weird little bit of
00:34:40
a need, a bit of a weed. Feels a bit weird.
00:34:42
I do I do. I need a way?
00:34:43
I did the way. Yeah.
00:34:45
One guy on his first day, he was a chefs chefs.
00:34:49
Apprenticed evaporate chefs. Apprentice making Yorkshire
00:34:52
puddings. What a job.
00:34:55
He's to a large oven and in the Panic.
00:35:02
Somebody tried to To put it out with a fire extinguisher, but it
00:35:06
was a water type and the cooker was oil.
00:35:08
Oh, Jesus exploded. And he said, with all the
00:35:12
commotion downstairs, the head, chef Aram down thinking we were
00:35:15
having a fight, and then there was like so much about them to
00:35:18
evacuate the restaurant because of all the smoke was like,
00:35:20
filling out everywhere. But because he realized, and he
00:35:26
realized that that they shouldn't use that fire
00:35:28
extinguisher for know, even though he said it on fire, they
00:35:30
did. He did got a free bar tab for
00:35:32
knowing the right. Extinguisher to use.
00:35:35
He still kept his job, so we get, he kept his job and they
00:35:37
even gave him a bar tab, because he was the one that said stop
00:35:40
using those forests. That's great.
00:35:43
They're not, well done know what kind of fire extinguishers.
00:35:45
You the restaurant thing there is all like there's so many
00:35:48
things that can go wrong. There, isn't that like God you
00:35:51
guys ever spilled an entire tray of drinks down somebody's back,
00:35:55
have you? Oh yeah it was all excellent.
00:35:58
Had is lovely suits. Like Jack on the back of I was
00:36:02
more Side. Absolutely mortified.
00:36:05
Did he pop you're right though? No, you pretend to be happy.
00:36:12
But I mean you wouldn't be which it was an entire torso and the
00:36:16
one. I thought wins this week's
00:36:18
thing. The funniest one is somebody who
00:36:22
said that they were at work quite new and they took a
00:36:26
massive Po in a stall next to somebody who was also taking a
00:36:31
massive loud. Bo.
00:36:33
So they put next to each other. That's makes me really
00:36:35
uncomfortable for some reason. The idea was there pooing next
00:36:39
to each? I don't know why you do, don't
00:36:40
you in the cubicles. So we all sit and poop.
00:36:51
You haven't heard poo unless you work in the drivers restaurant.
00:36:54
The Lorry drivers, rest on on the boats.
00:36:56
Oh no, no hey. That is no joke.
00:37:07
That is days light compared to what you see is.
00:37:10
It's literally like oh man, at least at least that's like
00:37:14
members of the public. You'll never see you again.
00:37:16
This person pooh-poohed came out.
00:37:18
It was their boss. They have to work every day and
00:37:22
they put together in unison but none of them have been stories
00:37:30
of being both of your stories today.
00:37:32
I mean, come on. The roof that Ruby one.
00:37:35
But this has been amazing. Yeah.
00:37:38
Yeah, yeah. Oh wow.
00:37:42
Yeah. Where can people find you?
00:37:44
People can find me on Instagram. People can find me on Facebook,
00:37:48
everything's and if you just put in a double r0n, then I should
00:37:53
come up straight away because a lot of people say I can't find
00:37:56
you can't find you. Listen.
00:37:58
Listen I spell my name. Are you be why?
00:38:01
So Are you beat? I owe you be.
00:38:08
I look like a nice guy but you've got a star above the eye,
00:38:13
our class A, a pink glittery. Oh my God.
00:38:17
I'm gonna make one of them it on.
00:38:19
I need to get in touch. Yeah, what were somewhat?
00:38:27
Like maybe something like Let me really go for it.
00:38:32
I feel like Sofia gems, generic gemstone gemstone Sapphire, but
00:38:42
you can call me Jim. I think Sofia that's the sapphir
00:38:46
sapphire Sapphire. Yes, a fire.
00:38:51
Can we go to the club? Can we please go to the club?
00:38:53
Gotta go, can we go to Tokyo? We want to go to your one.
00:38:57
Because I don't I mean I like a bit of I don't mind a bit of
00:39:00
strip club in, it's quite an experience.
00:39:02
I've been there for quite a few years but to have a bit of jazz
00:39:04
in the middle of stripping would be quite nice.
00:39:07
Well, I can I not do that anymore, you see?
00:39:09
Because that was me. That was my fourth grade.
00:39:11
Oh, I'm sure that we could have a few genes before in like Soho
00:39:16
and get you kind of g'd up to do a bit of a set.
00:39:18
Get me on the stand. She turned out.
00:39:22
Why have we not made a double act where you're singing?
00:39:24
Yeah. But I'm tied on your s.
00:39:26
Song. So if you know what's gonna
00:39:27
happen, everybody knows, you are.
00:39:39
Welcome amazing. Oh my God, I need to go another
00:39:43
drink now. Get it down so much.
00:39:50
Thank you. That was amazing.
00:39:52
Thank you so much guys. Love you.