Reheating Toasties with the New Yorker's own David Kenny

[00:00:00] This show is nominated for a 2026 Golden Lobes Podcast Award. Get in! Oh, it's the third week of David month. Welcome back to Legitimate Likes. This is a great podcast and we're doing some bonus episodes between seasons. And we've been doing stuff about David, namely David Attenborough for the past two weeks, but now it's time for a different David. It's time to talk about David Kenny. I'm joined, I'm Will, by the way. Hello. And this is producer Ornia. Hi, producer Ornia.

[00:00:25] Hello. Very exciting to move to week three of David Week with one of our fan favourite, David Kenny, digging out one of his episodes from the archives. And there's a good reason for this. David is, his star is rising at the moment because the New York Times at the start of May did, or sorry, the New Yorker at the start of May did an article about his very nerdy,

[00:00:52] very interesting research into Jonathan Swift's epitaph. So if you're going to go have a look at that, if you Google David Kenny in the New Yorker, you'll find it. But it's so clever that it made me think that I must not just be the same species as David Kenny because this is a hobby that he has had, this deep and meaningful research. And what am I doing with my life, you know? Well, way better. Watching a lot of below deck. I couldn't even get past the paywall on his article, let alone try and read it.

[00:01:20] My favourite bit is when at the start it says Kenny and Hedigan, Dave's wife, are a witty, attractive Irish couple. Wouldn't you love to be called witty and attractive by the New Yorker? Oh, that's absolutely made me sick of my mouth. Witty and attractive couple. Yeah, what would you prefer to be? Stupid and ugly? Stupid and obnoxious couple. Homely and slow. Yeah, I don't know David's wife, but all I know about her is she has bad taste. No, very witty, very attractive. Fine. Terrible taste in men.

[00:01:52] Okay, we can agree on one thing. David Kenny actually, I don't think he knows that we're recording this, but he texts the group, which is called Legitimate Lie Kenny. Like legitimate likes, but with any on the end. Yeah, it doesn't really work. It's not a great pun. Which is with any at the end. I think I'd blame our other producer, Michael, for that abomination. David Kenny posted a picture into the group.

[00:02:14] I'll put this picture on Instagram of a plate, a white plate where I'd say two thirds of the plate are just a white plate. And then there's a sad little sandwich on top of each other facing us. And then some horrible looking potato wedges. I hate wedges as well. I hate wedges. Just have a chip or don't have anything. It's an all-round bad picture and bad sandwich.

[00:02:38] And he said, now in truth I would call this a melt in the American vernacular, but just to piss Will off, it's a toasty. Yeah. So this is because, in the episode you're about to hear, there was a lot of consternation from Will about what is a toasty and what's not a toasty. And to top it all off, Hugh seemed to be having some sort of nervous breakdown in the background. Yeah. It really is the most aggressive and angry episode of Legitima Lights. Do you know what?

[00:03:06] It's the A-caster on British Bake Off episode, I would say, for you two. Yeah, yeah. Except I wasn't going through a breakup. I wasn't fully jet-lagged at the time. I was absolutely fine. Yeah, safely in your home with your lovely wife. Safely in my home, just incredibly angry. Yeah. Because I have some sort of journalistic integrity, whereas David Kenny does not. So I replied to him making this horrible melt that he then also said he would call a toasty for fun. I said, and you're just in, melt makes melt. Very good.

[00:03:34] And then he said he was going to add a salad, but he thought it would disrupt the view of the toasty. Another criticism, if I may, I was very surprised that Dave has such boring white plates like he lives in a travel lodge. I thought Dave would have, like, beautiful white to it or something. I think he is a boring white plate. And now he did have a good response to your melt makes melt. Takes one to know one. That, Ornia, is not a good response. Takes one to know one. I didn't know if you were going to fight each other or kiss each other. I was really enjoying it. I still don't, to be fair. Yeah, I know.

[00:04:05] And then I responded to his saying that the salad was going to be added, but he felt it would just disrupt the view of the toasty. I said, where is the toasty in this picture? And then Michael chimed in, unrelated, said, sorry, is that chicken? Sorry, is that chicken? And Dave said it's a Cajun chicken melt. Now, I am appalled by this. I just think, who's ordering? I think Cajun chicken, I don't, I don't under, well, I'm a vegetarian, I guess. I'm not, maybe people love Cajun chicken, do they? But I, it wouldn't be for me. Well, I think Cajun spices are delicious.

[00:04:36] So I sort of understand that. Yeah, yeah. But it doesn't look like Cajun chicken. It looks like chicken that's been boiled in water or milk. Yeah, yeah. And actually, it's, the chicken is so white. It looks like something you would boil for your cat if they were sick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If cats when they're sick, yeah. Yeah, because Dave Kenny is a massive pussy. So he said, it's a Cajun chicken melt. And I'd said, where is the toasty in this picture?

[00:05:05] He said, it's in the room with me right now. Brackets, it's not, it's been eaten. And then I responded to his, it's a Cajun chicken melt, saying a Cajun chicken what? And then he said, it's not, it's been eaten. And so I said, unless you've pooped already, it is in the room with you. Quite complicated, but that's all the information there. So he's eaten the toasty. If you eat a toasty, the toasty is still in the room with you. It's just inside you. Correct? Dave says, interesting ontological question about when it ceases to become a toasty. And I said, well, it was never a toasty.

[00:05:35] And Dave says, felt like you, that's not Dave's voice, felt like you kind of conceded here it was. But I don't think that, so I then said, if you want to chat inconsistencies, I'm all ears. And I showed him saying it's a Cajun chicken melt. You know? And then you accused him of thinking water is a Cajun spice. I think he thinks water is a spice, yeah. I think he thinks water is too hot. Yeah, it was amazing to see these two intellectual heavyweights just going at it, you know? It was incredible.

[00:06:05] And he accused you of being jealous of his restaurant-level cooking skills. And I said, yeah, I love those restaurants that misname and poorly plate things. And then he said, yeah, English restaurants, the one you're used to. And I didn't reply to that because I got busy. Yeah, he got the last word. He did get the last word. And it feels like if I reply now... Well, he didn't. You're now recording a podcast to call him out, I guess, I suppose. Oh, yeah. No way, you're going to last word. Yeah, listen, Kenny. Just because you've got brains and a successful career, a lovely partner... And a witty and intelligent wife.

[00:06:35] It goes really well. Oh, my name's David Kenny. All my students think I'm great. Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. I'm going to make a Cajun chicken. What's in Cajun spice? That's water and hope. That's David Kenny. So, if you want to hear the episode where we all got together with Dave and we all made toasties and then tasted, rated and slated. Well, we made sandwiches. That's the debate.

[00:07:05] Great. Hugh makes something disgusting. Oh, God. Every time I think about it, like, what? I think it's one of the greats. Apologies if the sound quality is not as crystal clear as you've come to expect from us. But we think it's still worth tucking in. It's hard to record something when you're making a toasty spoiler. Yeah, yeah. Spoiler alert. Toasty spoiler is what we call Dave. Toasty. Enjoy this episode with the toasty spoiler, David.

[00:07:35] Yeah. Goodbye. Goodbye. Welcome to Legitimate Likes, the podcast where we take a look at some of humanity's most popular fascinations and we try to work out whether they're worthy of the hype. They're likes, but are they legitimate likes? My name is Will and this is Hugh. Hi, Hugh. Hi, Will. How are you? I'm good. I've adopted a new voice for the intro.

[00:08:05] How do you feel about it? Yeah, it was very high energy. It was? I'm really lowering the energy. I feel I've gone very, very low at the moment. I'm quite hoarse, so. You have a lot of episodes where you're quite hoarse and low. Yeah, I mean, I think I start low and then at the faintest sign of anything happening to my throat, I just head down even deeper. But I like it. How are you feeling about this episode, Will? How am I feeling about this episode? Fine. There's a big elephant in the room and the elephant is my nemesis.

[00:08:35] I'm livid that he's made it back on the podcast. The handsome, the insufferable David Kenny. Hi, Will. Hi, guys. Great to be back, despite the fact that Will claimed that this episode would never happen. Here it is. It's happening. It's happening right now. Take that, Will. Cheeky little smile. I suppose we might have new listeners to the show, Miracles. Absolutely. They're going to leave after they hear Kenny talking for two minutes. And yeah, Dave, you were on a previous episode. In fact, you've been on two previous episodes. That's right.

[00:09:03] You talked about The Matrix and you also talked about video games. And at the end of the video games episode, I think Will was ready to propose marriage. Yeah, that one went very well. But unfortunately, things took a very sad turn in The Matrix episode where one of Michael's insane questions led me to inadvertently throw a cat amongst the pigeons by saying that the George Foreman grill is the ultimate vehicle for making a toasty. And I think Will had an aneurysm live on the podcast.

[00:09:34] He did. And now we're here. Slowly recovering. I think it's nice that our sort of only real interactions have been framed by The Matrix. The first one was great. The second one was weird. And the third one's going to be bad. Yeah, possibly the worst of all. In 20 years time, you'll come together. And it'll be okay. Neither of you will really want to do it. But there'll be enough money involved to make it worth your while.

[00:10:03] Yeah, the cash grab fourth installment. Yeah, can't wait. It'll be great. What have you been up to, Nemesis? What have you been doing? Punching kids? Mostly making toasties in preparation for this episode, you know? Just a thousand different... Are you not a toasty maker, do you? No, do I? No. I have the ultimate toasty maker, the George Foreman grill. A toasty maker, which you would call a toasty maker, is actually like basically a little pie maker that makes horrible little bread-encrusted packages.

[00:10:32] So no, I don't have one of those. I used to, and then I obviously threw it out because I have a George Foreman grill, which is just much superior. So not to jump ahead to our episode. Do you know what I tend to think of? I tend to think the product that is a pie maker is a product that's called a pie maker. And a toasty maker makes toasties, not pies. You're absolutely an animal. It just makes little like horrible kind of like, what's that pizza folded over thing? A calzone?

[00:10:57] A bit like a calzone, but with sandwich fillings and with kind of condensed bread. It's a weird thing. I think the toasty maker, the Breville toasty maker. Much as I dislike agreeing with either of you, Will, I'd have to say you sound like you're a bit of a slave to the man there, though. You buy a toasty maker to make you toasties. You buy a pie maker to make you pies. Live outside the box of your appliances, you know? Yeah. You've been captured by a big pie maker.

[00:11:23] Speaking of big pies, it's time to welcome on both of our producers. This is another special episode. It's very rare to have both our producers and a guest, but clearly this was an episode that at least four of the five people on this podcast care about. And I'll let you try and guess who the fifth person is. Put your fingers in these pies. It's Michael and Anya. Hi, guys.

[00:11:50] I didn't believe that a pie maker was real, and then I Googled it. It's real. Yeah. It comes from Yorkshire. Of course they make pies. They make pies. But what does the pie maker do? Surely that's just... Can't be able to walk you to the... But no, but what... What do you... No, it's a good question, actually. As you asked that, I've ridiculed you, and I'm like, how does that work? But do you not just make the lid and make the filling and then put them together? It cooks them. It cooks them or whatever.

[00:12:19] Is it like one of those machines that has, like, your breakfast ready for you in the morning? Like, is it a pie ready in the morning kind of thing? Michael, I bet you would love one of those. The thing where it, like, cracks the eggs and... Yeah, like Doc Brown and that's the teacher. A celery stick. It's needlessly over-engineered. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I'd love that. I mean, I do have to say, I'm always appalled by the idea when people talk about having a bread maker. Is that terribly snobbish of me? Yeah, they should call you Hugh, shouldn't they?

[00:12:46] But, like, isn't a bread maker where you pour in all your ingredients and then you just sort of set it to, I don't know, bread? Yeah. And then it breads. Set it to bake. What's the other setting? Like, stone or something? Is that it? Does it mix the ingredients? Does it actually bake the bread? I don't know. I have no idea. I have no idea what bread maker does. I think it, I don't think it, I don't think it does everything but bake them. No, it bakes it, doesn't it? Oh my God, this is the worst podcast ever. Like, just a load of people guessing what appliances do.

[00:13:15] I mean, isn't that basically the quiz portion of every episode? But not only that, Will. Guessing what something called a bread maker does. Well, Kenny would probably do his laundry in it. Doesn't respect the names of... They all have a real bang of the Aldi middle aisle. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Michael, you were the one who very much wanted to do this episode, so I think it behooves you to tell us why we're all here.

[00:13:40] Yeah, well, this is to squash the beef that broke out between Will and Dave on the Matrix episode. Put it in between two slices of bread, fry on either side. Will will be squashing it in his shit toasty maker any minute now. The beef will be thoroughly pancaked. Can I just say, for the listeners, Michael is sort of affecting a casual lean in his kitchen counter here. I don't know which chef you're modelling yourself on, Michael. I think Gordon Ramsay would be here. I haven't.

[00:14:09] We're all in our kitchens. I have made the mistake of not bringing a chair to the recording. So you may hear that in my voice as the night goes on. It's like having Nevin McGuire on the podcast, you know? Hello! Is that Nevin McGuire? I don't know. May well be. Who are Gordon Ramsay? Look at it! Look at this toasty! It's fucking raw! Look at it! It's raw! Look at this move! Raw toasty is just a sandwich.

[00:14:39] Yeah, but like inferior in every way, so Gordon wouldn't be happy. Well, yeah, we'll see about that. If you're going to argue that, Hugh, Kenny and I are going to take you down. It'd be nice to have something to agree on. So maybe that's our common enemy. You'll find a common enemy pretty easily. Common enemy. Common enemy. That's a type of sea creature that eats others. I think Hugh's been having like... You've been having like a three episode long stroke. It's terrible. Oh, God.

[00:15:08] The old language sector of the brain isn't working too well. Sorry, Michael. Do you want to... Yeah, well, I was going to say, normally we're trying to work out if something is legitimate like, but today's episode is not to decide whether toasties are legitimate like, because I do think that's beyond doubt. Today is much more about the best way to make a toasty. And to that end, each of us during the course of today's episode are going to make what we consider to be the best possible toasted sandwich.

[00:15:38] So it's a toast off. Yeah, just each of us is going to make a toasted sandwich. Well, I might make more than one. But I'll be asking each of you to take us through the choices that you've made along the way. And at the end, we're all going to vote on the finished products to crown the winner. I think it is very clear, very clear, looking at the five of us on this screen, that we have not made the right choices along the way. What do you mean?

[00:16:08] That's all I'll say. I don't understand. Well, it's a Friday night and somehow all five of us were free to cook dinner on camera. I'm really hungry. This is my dinner. I've had my dinner. Oh, this is just a little snack. I always eat a couple of meals after dinner, you know. It's actually true. He's a monster. A yogurt the size of a man's head. I'm really excited to hear what Michael makes because I was in Michael's house today with his knowledge.

[00:16:38] And when I was in the bathroom, I believe you told my husband what your plan was to make. And then I asked Mark and he didn't tell me. He was sworn to secrecy. Wow. I have two questions. I have two questions for you, Anya. The first one, I suppose, is do you think that Michael and his wife did their eight month refurb just to prepare for this episode? Yes. And my second question is when you were in the bathroom, did you, as you admitted to me previously, look through the medicine cabinet and see everything that's there? There was no medicine cabinet.

[00:17:07] Oh, damn it. I haven't done that in a long time. I haven't done that in a long time. I think it's maybe only really acceptable on dates. Wait, what? Which I don't go on so many of anymore. Why would it be acceptable on dates? What? Because it's kind of like a vetting process, you know. Like, what if you opened it and there was a meat cleaver? You'd say, ooh. Well, it would be an odd place to store your knives. I agree. And a red flag, Dave, therefore.

[00:17:37] Well, that's interesting. I didn't know that on dates you were entitled to read through people's house. Oh, absolutely. You're not entitled. No, that's not what I think. It seems invasive. Yeah. It has happened to me that, you know, if you ever open one and there's something wrong with it, like, oh, that cabinet is kind of loose. And then the whole thing kind of, like, the door falls off the cabinet. And then you'd come out and be like, oh, sorry, I just, I was just washing my hands and the cabinet fell off the wall.

[00:18:05] See, I was assuming, Anya, that you used it to make conversation when you got back to the table. You were just like, so. I noticed you had some interesting medications. Rogaine. Let's go through them one by one. No, it's probably not an okay thing to do. Michael, you didn't have anything to root through. No. We keep all the medicines in the shed out the back. In the baby's bedroom. Yeah. Under the mattress in the cot. It's not the medicines you're looking for.

[00:18:33] It's kind of the ephemera lying around their house. Like, what have you found? Like, I don't know. Have you ever found anything that's made the looking worthwhile? No. The search continues. But someday, someday will. So, are you telling me that none of you have ever, ever had a little look in a cabinet in someone's house? I 100% do it every single time in every person's house, regardless of whether I'm in a day. Do you?

[00:19:02] I don't think I've ever done this. And I clearly am just missing out in life. Yeah, you've got to open it, have a little look around. Go, ooh. I love kind of a deep drawer that you've got to go, ooh. But then are you not worried that it's tough to put things back in the right place? Because if it's a deep... Oh, I don't. But if it's a deep drawer, you'd have to root. No, no rooting. Just like, ooh, have a look. Go, ooh. What?

[00:19:31] Chuck a load of pollen on the table. Get home early. Sorry, Michael. Go on. Yeah, we've got a lot of toasting to get through, guys. But first, as always, we've got our quiz to find out how much you know about toasted sandwiches. Question one. What size is the world's biggest toasted sandwich? Wow. In what context, though? So, I've got all the measurements here. But if you want to give me the diagonal on it, as if you were measuring a flat screen TV,

[00:20:00] that's probably the best way to go. I know. When we went pizza, we had a discussion about the largest pizza in the world, and I was disappointed in it. Yeah. So, I feel that it's probably like, oh, you know, it's actually only like 11 inches. You know, no one ever bothered just to go any further than that. Or else, like, I hope it should be the size of a football pitch. Yeah, I would like that. But I'm going to say like 15 inches. I think like a large flat screen TV kind of thought. That's what I think.

[00:20:30] Someone would have done that, but they couldn't be bothered doing anything more, you know? How can you make a bit of bread that big? Yeah, what oven are you making that in? George Foreman, I presume. Exactly. Yeah, it's probably not a toasty. I feel like people must just make giant ovens for the sake of food records, right? Like, this must be... Yeah, I'm more interested in the world's biggest oven, actually. Yeah. Yeah. What about that, Michael? Give us a hand to that. Yeah. Despite my initial... This isn't the oven podcast.

[00:20:58] This is why I'm going to say it's 100 meters long. 100 meters long. 100 meters? Yeah. Yeah. Two, like, two swimming pools. Okay. Yeah, I like where he was going with that. So, the actual answer is, on the diagonal, right? Because you're going to be shocked by this. It's 3.4 meters. Okay? So, this thing is three meters long and one and a half meters deep. Not a big sandwich. I'm just saying, we could do that. 177 meters smaller than we thought it was, mate. Yeah. That's tiny.

[00:21:26] Now, Michael, when you say 100 or one and a half meters deep, that gives us a vision of a sandwich that has a lot of filling. You could dive into. No, it's actually only six centimeters thick, if you will. Hmm. So, I just feel like that record is about 20 years old, and I think that's ripe to be cracked. And, you know, I don't know. Watch what we do next. I guess, you know, maybe we could take that one on someday, this summer, you know? All right.

[00:21:54] So, nil point on that one. Question two. So, toasted sandwiches are actually... I was kind of worried that this podcast would be very specific to Ireland and the UK. But actually, it's not, because everywhere in the world has their own variant of a toasted sandwich. So, I'm going to give you two real ones, and then one made up. And you've got to think of the made up one. Yeah, it's a format I've relied on before. So, think of, you know, like a panini or a croque monsieur or that kind of thing. Okay.

[00:22:23] So, option one is a mozzarella in carrozza, which is translated as mozzarella in a carriage. It's a type of fried cheese sandwich from southern Italy. Okay. That's your first one. Then there's a patty burg, which is a mixture of ground beef and provolone cheese, fried and then toasted inside a shaped bread pocket. Ooh. And then you've got your kachapuri, which is curd bread from Georgia, which is leavened

[00:22:53] bread with a mixture of cheese, eggs, and other ingredients. So, two of those are real, and one is fake. Which is the odd one out? Oh. Wow. Well, the first one is really boring, the Italian one. So, I hope that's real, and that's not what Michael made up as thinking this will be an exciting little twist. The second one, I would say I've known Michael a long time, and he's never, ever missed an opportunity to use the word patty. He loves it so much, despite the fact that it's an awful word. It is an awful word.

[00:23:21] I think he would be able to, because the use of provolone cheese in a patty is a very American thing. Would he be able to pull that out of his stupid little brain? I think provolone is a real Michael cheese. Because you know I'm still on the call, right? I'm still on the call. I think it'd make him feel like he's in an American movie. Guys, I mean. I just get some provolone and a couple of slices. I can hear what you're saying. It sounds like you can't hear me, but I'm still here. So, we think provolone is a Michael sort of cheese, because it's boring and crap. I do think he made that up.

[00:23:48] The last one is the curd and eggs from Georgia. I mean, that's another bizarre one. Curd is also a bit of a Michael word. Yeah, still here. You can hear all this, yeah. But, I mean, I'm going straight towards the patty and provolone. That was also the name of Michael's double act, when he never found a partner, unfortunately. That's what his kids are called. Dave Kenny, what do you think? I don't know.

[00:24:17] I thought we were going to get something like, you know, the way in Australia they call Toasties Jaffles. I thought we were going to get sort of something. Yeah. Yeah. They call them Jaffles. I didn't know that. And they call them, they call Toasties Sandwich Makers Jaffle Makers, because that's how you make a Jaffle. It's a Jaffle maker. Do you guys know what Australians call Jouves? Because I discovered this recently. Oh, God. Like a quilter or something. What is it? It's Blancos. It's called a Junker. It's called a Juna. A Juna. A Juna. Oh, yeah. I did actually know that. A Juna. A Juna.

[00:24:46] Because I was reading an interior design book and there was a lot of like, if people are coming over, pull the Juna up over the bed, make the place look a lot needed while you're serving your Jaffles. What is a Juna? The same way, when I moved to America, I went to try and buy a duvet and I just like asked someone in the shop and they looked at me like I had six heads because apparently I should have asked for a comforter. A comforter is what I was looking for, which is like so weird. A Juna is like an invented fun word.

[00:25:14] A comforter is the saddest thing to do. I need my comforter. And the only comfort you can get is by hugging a blanket. What are you, like three? Ridiculous. No, Dave. Some of us take comfort where we find it. Fair point. Fair point. No judgment. Is a comforter just a duvet? Just a duvet, yeah. Just a shit duvet. It's a really bad duvet. I think they have a lot of weird stuff like a dust ruffle. Yeah. Like they do a lot of very strange things. While we're at it, why don't they have curtains? What's the deal with, there's never curtains in American bedrooms. What's going on, America?

[00:25:45] Answer me that. What's they have? They just don't. Yeah, they have like, usually like thin blinds or like neck curtains like you get in like old people's front rooms. They never have like proper curtains to block out light. So you have to like rise with the sunrise, which let me tell you, you guys. Like, that's not me. I can't rise with the sun under any circumstances. Like the sun god. Anyway, what's up with America? That's the question. Take that. Jaffles. I love that. Anyway, so I think Hugh's right. In short.

[00:26:15] Yeah, Hugh, you've cut to the core of me. Paddy Berg. Paddy Berg. Does anyone know what a Paddy Berg actually is? No. It's something you find in a toilet. No, Paddy Berg. Is she a rich heiress? She's a Democrat politician who served in the California State Assembly from 2002 to 2008. She is not a toasted sandwich. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So look her up.

[00:26:44] I bet you would love to make that though. Yeah, make one, Michael. It actually sounds great. I kind of wish I'd done that tonight. Yeah. Okay, you've got one out of two so far. Here's the final one to take it home. We're talking about toasted sandwiches tonight. But what is a toast sandwich? Okay, so I think I know this. Because I think at some point this is like a rabbit hole I've gone down and things I can't believe exist. I think a toast sandwich is a piece of toasted bread.

[00:27:13] Sandwiches between two pieces of untoasted bread. And I think that Wikipedia claims that this is a British delicacy. Clearly no one has ever eaten it under any circumstances. That is my guess. Yes, that's correct. And Wikipedia also claims that it's used in the UK for people who are in ill health. That this is often served to them. Dave, that strikes me. I don't know whether this is triggering a real memory.

[00:27:41] Or if it just strikes me as something that you would get into a four day long Twitter thread about. Oh, 100%. It could have been as a result of myself and other legitimate likes guests, John Gallagher, freaking out about the claim by some sort of American food website that there was a British delicacy which was mince on toast. It was just, yeah, a load of mince. You know, cooked beef mince on top of toast. And we both freaked out about this.

[00:28:11] And John has an amazing Twitter, so you should look up, where he recounts all the ways that he's encountered mince on toast living in Britain. But you often, you know, instead of saying to someone, let's do lunch, you'd say, shall we grab mince on toast? Because it's so common. Everyone would just immediately get their reference. So it's quite possible that that was the context it came up in. That's what we mean when we say I need to go in for the MOT. That's what we're talking about. Yeah, everyone gets their annual mince on toast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There are those other sandwiches.

[00:28:41] Like there's the, obviously, you know, a firm Irish favorite. I don't know whether this happens in Britain is the crisp sandwich, Will. Is a crisp sandwich a big thing in Britain? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, a big thing. I don't really know if it's a big thing. There's the sugar sandwich as well. There's the sugar. People butter their bread and put sugar on it and have a sandwich. Vile, absolutely vile. That sounds like a really sad. But that's jam. That's not jam on you. Just other things. But it's the same principle.

[00:29:09] Yeah, in the same way that eating a bag of flour is the same as eating bread. Yeah. Well, Dave, you're right. That's what a toast sandwich is. It is apparently, again, according to Wikipedia, the cheapest possible meal. And it comes out at seven and a half pence per sandwich. I mean, meal is a strong word. You've got the overhead of your toaster, though. Yeah, not taking into account owning a toaster and having the electricity to pay for it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:29:37] I suppose you could go outside on a sunny day with a magnifying glass. Nope. Nope. Pretty sure you couldn't do that. Also, would you not think, right, if you're going to do this, right, and I'm not saying you should, would you be better having a bread sandwich? Having a slice of bread between two slices of toast? No, that's absolutely disgraceful. A poor man's club sandwich. No one wants to go to that club. Dave's pondering it. I'm thinking about it. I see what you're saying, Hugh, because we're almost standing for lunch meat in that sort of situation.

[00:30:06] Like, you could pretend it's ham or something, you know? Lunch meat. Lunch meat is another real Americanism. A luncheon meat. Isn't it? That's true, actually, yeah. Like, what is? I think lunch meat sounds like a London gangster. Like lunch meat Malone. Anya? Anya? What would, if lunch, is lunch meat Malone here, actually, I think? Lunch meat Malone. He's one of Fagin's orphans. Is he? I don't know.

[00:30:35] Are you imagining more sort of a lock stock Guy Ritchie type person? I mean, you can do so much, so I... Yeah, your range is infinite. My range is infinite. But my confidence is infinite. My... No, I can't do it. Can you do it? He's actually, he's moved. I forgot. He was from... He lives in London, but he's from Newcastle. Welcome to the Guy Ritchie cast. Yeah.

[00:31:06] After telling us. You can't, but you do. I think it's pretty abhorrent that you think three slices of bread would be better than... You've got to have different texture. No, no, that's what I'm saying, Will. I'm saying you go toast bread toast. Oh, I see. Invert. Invert the classic toast sandwich. I thought you meant bread bread. Yeah, I thought you were just having three slices of bread.

[00:31:36] That is the name of my autobiography. You are a bready boy. Yeah, very bready boy. I make a lot of bread. And this is going to come into the discussion that we have later on. And again, you're going to be enraged by it. And I could not care less. Whenever I've baked any bread when Hugh's been around, I'm like, do you want some bread? And he says, I'll have it pure, which means nothing on it. Nothing touches it. The problem is sad little lips.

[00:32:07] You leave my sad little lips out of this. Your bread is delicious, Will. That's why. You have a very puritanical attitude towards food. Like, you know, you take something nice like bread and butter. You take the butter off and you're just quaffing bread. And good luck to you. Depends on the bread. Depends on the bread. Some bread don't need it. And I mean, my lunch, just for the record, my lunch isn't just slices of bread. But that's my snacking. That's my snacking. Throughout the day, I would absolutely go down, carve off a slice of bread and just eat that in my hand.

[00:32:37] But how do you swallow it? I've developed, I've evolved this sort of throat and think where it's, yeah. But do you have to like lubricate it up somehow? Do you visualize me dunking it in water like Joe's chestnut? Or eating it like a snake. Unhinging my jaw and sort of moving my body around it and then lying for two weeks with a bread shaped lump in me until it digests and I head out hunting again.

[00:33:07] And still single ladies. Bread shaped lump can be volume two of Hugh's biography. Let's get into the sandwiches, guys. So each of us are going to make a sandwich. And I'm going to, yeah, I'm going to take, going to ask you for all the choices made in the way. So, Onya, firstly, I want to ask you, what are you making this in? What equipment are you using?

[00:33:33] So, I am using, now don't all lose your minds, a sandwich maker, but I've taken out the sandwich plates. Wait, what? And I've replaced, I've taken out the, you know, the things that kind of compress them into the little disgusting hot pockets. Yeah. Go and die in a hole. Go and absolutely die in a hole. I hate you. I trusted you. I thought you were my favorite and now you're at the bottom. You're below Michael. I've taken those out and I've put, I've put in kind of the panini press. So it's kind of like a mini George Foreman.

[00:34:03] It is like a George Foreman. Yeah. So that makes an absolutely delicious sandwich. Yeah. It doesn't make it toasty though, crucially. It makes a delicious sandwich. Fine. It makes a hot on the outside and inside sandwich, but it's toasty. Bread wise, I've plumped for a classic batch bread. Okay. From the local shop. And I've been drying out a couple of tomato slices since we started. How so? Here. How so? So I chopped.

[00:34:30] They're just hanging out near on you and they're getting sad and losing all that moisture. So I chopped them, salted them, and then a kitchen towel to them. And then we've also got some cheese, which I was grading during the boring bit at the start. Wow. So I'm going to, well, I pop off. Hold the goddamn phone. What kind of cheese are we talking? I've just gone for a classic cheddar, a red cheddar. That's not a classic cheddar. That's a red cheddar. God damn it. Onya, I don't understand the term sandwich maker.

[00:35:00] What does that do? Well, I don't understand why it's called a sandwich maker. Because it's not making a sandwich. You're making a sandwich. It's not a sandwich. You're making a sandwich. Yeah. Yeah, guns don't kill people. Sandwich makers too. Will I pop off? What are you guys going to do when I'm doing this? Have fun. I think I'm going to go next. I'm going to make mine next. So yeah. Yeah. Onya, you shuffle off. Come back when you've got a sandwich. Okay. Bye. Bye forever.

[00:35:30] All right. Guys, I am controversially, my equipment choice is going to be this, a pan. I am going to, for the first time, I've never done this, try and make the American grilled cheese variant where I'm going to butter my bread on the outsides, pan fry it, and then put the cheese on and then kind of assemble it all together. That's my plan. Then put the cheese on? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, in the middle, halfway through the process. But I'm only going with cheese.

[00:35:59] I'm going with a Hegarty's cheddar and I'm going with some onion marmalade just to zest things up a little. That's all I've got. What? But that's, why are you putting the cheese on halfway through? I watched a video and that's what the man did. Yeah. So, this is why I do my hands in life. Yeah. I would, to offer you some unsolicited advice, Michael, I would, on one side, put some butter on it.

[00:36:26] On the other side you're frying, put some mayo on and see which side you prefer. Mayo crisps up real tasty. Okay. But. I have a question, which is, they call it a grilled cheese. Yeah. No grill involved. But it is quite clearly fried. Yeah. And this makes me want to kill myself. This is another part of the toasty making nightmare that makes me sad. When people say grilled cheese. The nomenclature is all over the place. All right. Will I go and assemble this sandwich? Yeah. Probably a good idea to assemble. Oh. I'm going to try and keep some cooking audio here.

[00:36:56] I think Anya's back there. So, let's see what she's, when she's plugging in, let's see what progress she's made. So, actually, I just overheard Michael. I have gone for something of the American grilled cheese myself because I buttered for the first time the outside of the bread. For the first time. Okay. What the heck is wrong with you? You don't butter the outside of your bread when you're making toasties? How old are you? I also thought about doing Michael's fried grilled cheese, but I was concerned about the splatter noises. Yeah. There may be.

[00:37:24] I think we're going to have to give a trigger warning right now. There's going to be some splatter off my mic. So, yeah. I also put a little bit of mayo inside mine to stop things from getting too soggy. You put some moist stuff in to stop it from getting too soggy. Well, it's the oil stops the tomato penetrating. The bread will. I can't believe this is the first time you've put butter on the outside. That makes me so miserable. Yeah. What have you been doing, Anya? How are you getting the crisp effect?

[00:37:53] Well, I'm hoping it's going to crisp up in the sandwich maker. So, it's just like... But you've got to put fat on the outside of it. Yeah. What's your... That will crisp up. Yeah. But this is the first time you've done it. Yeah. What have you done the other times? I don't... Well, I don't... I would feel a bit indulgent, usually, of a lunchtime to be buttering bread on the outside. I don't really... Are you here? Yeah. Yeah. There is a real touch of the... Like, do you know the way sometimes you're like, oh, there's just a rule that you can't

[00:38:23] use butter during the week? What? Excuse me? That's not... Who? That's not a rule? We don't know. Do you never just have sort of a sensibility where you're like, well, that would just be a bit much? No. All I can say is that Anya has currently been possessed by Michael. Yeah. That is the most Michael statement I've ever heard. No, you can't use butter during the week. Anya Hartigan, listen to yourself. What happened to you? Who did this to you? Who hurt you? I become Anya's life coach.

[00:38:53] So, she's taken on my philosophy. A thin layer of butter is a weekend treat. I just have that a bit. So, there's a recipe for vegetarian enchiladas that I really like. Hugh, your family have all made them on my instruction. And the recipe suggests you use cheddar and feta. And I'm always like, no, it's fruit. Just a midweek meal. It's going to be one cheese. Yeah. Wow. What a sad little life, eh? I know. I know. Do none of you have any of these weird arbitrary rules? No, I'm an actor.

[00:39:23] I wake up at like 11 a.m. I start the day with a beer. Everything. You can do whatever you want. You're a grown-up. Eat anything. Do whatever you want. Yeah. Joy's being an adult. That's the whole point. No, but it's only really in butter that I have this sort of, oh, oh. I mean, again, our other former Legitimate Likes guest and dear friend, Conor McAndrew, will just kind of eat butter sort of straight from the stick. By the slice. Like a cheese. Take off a chunk of butter, so. I miss him like an arm that's been amputated.

[00:39:53] He would be right on my side, I'm sure. Yeah. Oh, 100%. He would think we were all not being indulged up. I agree that it's tastier, but I think part of adulthood is inventing these weird rules that you then have to comply with. And Hugh, I will not take a lick of your reprimanding, given that you have the sugar in everything you make. And it doesn't affect the taste, though. You've just said you do something that tastes worse. Yeah.

[00:40:22] But a lot of people would disagree with you on the taste. They haven't. They don't know. They're coming from a place of ignorance. I could give them two cookies. And they won't be able to tell me which is which. Also, Hugh's not like, oh, I can only put this sugar in today because it's a weekend. You know? Like, that's the sad part. Oh, it's a Sunday. Fantastic. Let's nibble some Kerrygold. Anya's taking her headphones off and it's gone. Anya's left. This is what's finally done it. All right. Let's see. Yeah. Dave, what are you doing? Our guest and apparently most knowledgeable about Toasties. What approach are you taking? Shut up.

[00:40:52] The most knowledgeable about Toasties. He's not me. Certainly got the best Toastie equipment. The George Foreman Grill. It's heating up right now. Very excited. So on my supreme Toastie maker, the George Foreman Grill. And I would point out that if you go to a cafe and you were to get a toasted sandwich, they're going to put it in a panini press. They're going to put it in something that resembles a little George Foreman Grill. So why are you using a weird pie maker at home? Oh, Anya's back. Oh, that looks good. Very good. Very nice. So Anya's just produced hers to the camera.

[00:41:21] What we're seeing is, I would say, good striation of toasting along the outside of the sandwich. It's a nice golden brown texture. A bit of brown on one side, I would say. It's a little too brown on one side for my liking. But that's the bat bread, I think. I would say that's a bad workman blames his tools. It's an honest effort, I would say. So I'll be interested to see how that one cuts open. Dave, so back to your... Honest effort. What a compliment.

[00:41:51] Your panino. Sorry, so yeah, what I'm doing in my George Foreman Grill right now is I'm getting some large slices of sourdough bread, which I wanted to get specifically to point out the superiority of the George Foreman, because these slices are too large for Will's shitty toasted sandwich maker. So this is why the George Foreman Grill is so superior. On those, I've obviously buttered the outside, because I'm not a monster. And, you know, it's almost the weekend, guys. It's Friday night, so... I've buttered the outside! What's that?

[00:42:19] Do you have to whip yourself now afterwards? No, but because it's a special occasion. Oh my... A butter on the outside. Most of us would have butter on the outside all the time, though, I think, because it's the only way to actually really make a toasted sandwich, I would have thought. But anyway... Yeah, it's nice to find some common ground, Dave. Yeah, it's nice that we agree on something, Will. On the inside, I'm going to put a very thin layer of Ballymaloo relish, just because I'll marble into one side of the bread very nicely.

[00:42:45] I'm going to put some ham over that, then some mixed medium cheddar. Red and white over that. Second slice of sourdough in the George Foreman. About halfway through, I'll rotate it so we get a kind of a crisscross effect on it, and ensure even toasting throughout. And it's going to be delicious. And it's going to be much better than Will's, I think, is the crucial bit. Michael, how are you getting on? So, as I said, first time I've ever made this, and you butter the bread on the outside, you put that down on the pan, and then you put the cheese on top.

[00:43:14] I'm not sure how the cheese is supposed to melt, though, because there's a slice of bread between it and the cooking service. And from what I can see, my bread is going to burn, and my cheese will still be firm. So, I did try and warn you about this. You build the sandwich first, and then you fry it on one side, you fry it on the other side, and then you keep rotating it around to make sure there's even heatage. Yeah. Yeah, that ship has sailed, so... This is... I'm eating mine, is that... Yeah.

[00:43:44] Yeah, that's allowed. I'm eating yours, but on you, it's before five o'clock on a Thursday in Lent. Just a censorious tone from the most controlled man I know. So, Will and Hugh, what are you guys doing? Out of sort of a petulant anger, and also out of the fact that I don't own a toasty maker, I tried to make the most outlandish and ridiculous toasted sandwich that I could. So, I've gone for potato and rosemary sourdough bread.

[00:44:14] Okay. As a standard start. Okay. And then we've only got a couple of ingredients. We've got double cream, yogurt, peanut butter, black pepper, inkona, hot sauce, mango chutney, unwashed rocket, jalapenos, freshly chopped chives, very thinly sliced raw ginger, vegan chili with cauliflower, mince, pumpkin and sunflower seeds, almonds, a single cashew nut, American style cheese, parmesan grated, edam, extra mature cheddar, more parmesan, fried in butter, and then finished with mayo and Dijon mustard on top and grilled. Will. What? That sounds incredible.

[00:44:42] And what do we call this monstrosity? You guys can name it whilst I go get it out of the oven. Oh my God. It's in the oven. It had to stay warm, I think, is why it's in the oven. I don't know. Is it Seabag's Monster? Is that what we're calling it? I think that's fair enough. Okay, well, Will is unleashing that. And Hugh is getting to grips with a cheese grater here. Hugh, tell us what you're going to build.

[00:45:09] I'm not engaging in your ridiculous games. I'm not someone who cares about toasted sandwich. I'm not someone who's like, oh, a toast is this amazing thing that you have. I don't care at all. Oh, and I'm starting, first of all, before I get you too enraged, I'm starting with sardew, loaf of sardew bread, which I baked myself, obviously. And I don't want to, first of all, it's actually annoying me that I'm having to use this bread at all because it's freshly baked and therefore is best eaten untoasted.

[00:45:39] I think it's great toasted when it's a day old because it really livens up the bread again. And I think it's kind of a bit of a waste to do this. But, sorry, I'm just hooshing the cheese back into its packet. I'm using some, I'm grating some red cheddar cheese. I don't care what you're saying. I'm not making a toasted sandwich. I've toasted a slice of my bread and I'm going to put some grated cheese on top and I'm going to eat that. And that's all I'm doing. That is disgusting. Ridiculous, Hugh. Because I don't care.

[00:46:07] Because I don't like melted cheese, unless it's on a pizza. I don't want it. Do you know what? I don't even want my toast to be hot because then it's going to melt my cheese. And it's going to sweat on my plate. And I hate nothing more than when you put a slice of toast on your plate and it sweats all over it. You guys can live in your disgusting, sweaty, toasty world. I'm going to eat the sanders that I like and I don't care. Wow. Big Mark Cargan energy from Hugh here. That's like quite the rant. That's all I could think of. I was like, it's like he's in the room. Will, did you hear any of that?

[00:46:37] No, no, no. I was getting my monstrosity. Hugh is having a slice of toasted bread with just cold cheddar on it. He's also having a meltdown. So there's kind of... That's where the heat's coming from. I'm getting very unmelted down. So you haven't done the task? You haven't made the Satozo sandwich? No, Will. I haven't because I'm 34 years old and I'm going to eat whatever the hell I want. You're on a par with Ornia and this butter situation. At least I made a good sandwich. No, you just did seem nice. Yeah.

[00:47:05] I'm the only one who's actually eating anything. No, listen. It's another one of those things where people just build up this thing of like a toasty being more than it is. Eat whatever sandwich you goddamn want. And Mike, I'm thinking that there's not going to be a vote on toasties. I don't care what way it's going. I'm going to be here. I'm going to be voting. And you all know what way I'm going to be voting. I'm going to have a delicious bit of my bread and toast and cheese and whatever it is I'm eating. I'm not sure I've ever seen Hugh so angry.

[00:47:34] Yeah, I didn't think I'd be – I'm going to go out and buy a George Foreman grill. I'm so on Dave Kenny's side here. Let's see, Dave's. Oh, hold on. I'll see if I can – Can we get a crumb shot of you biting in? Oh, you certainly can, but I've got to take a photo from Michael first or I'll never hear the end of this. So hold on just a second. And also, Dave, just for listeners, Dave is cheating by putting his sandwich on a wooden board, which makes everything look better. So two can play at that game, Dave.

[00:48:03] So – Like you'd get in a cafe that would charge you, like, 15 quid. Part of my aim with this as well was to prove that a toasted sandwich – Now, I've been very vitriolic about this, but I'm very good at making grilled cheeses, very good at making toasted sandwiches. I only have an issue with calling a toasty. And, you know, it's a toasty when it's been in a toasty machine. That's my only problem.

[00:48:28] This was sort of an experiment to prove that a toasted cheese sandwich, you can put anything you want in it and it'll still be delicious. This is absolutely fantastic. It's weird, but I love it. And, Will, you kind of buried the lead there in your kind of description by, you know, putting on the 2,000 ingredients afterwards. You don't own a toastie maker. So after all this, you don't actually own the device you have, like, staked your honor to defend. And why is that? Is that because it's shite? Is that –

[00:48:57] It's the same reason why I've never tried heroin. I think I'd really like it and I never stop. I can't have it in the house because if I had a toasty machine in the house, I'd have toasties every single day for every meal. Regardless of the day of the week, you losers. Dave, how is that? That's delicious on you. Delicious. Came out brilliantly. George Foreman works every time. I don't know why I'm – That looks amazing. I don't have any particular sort of obsession with George Foreman as a brand.

[00:49:25] But now I somehow feel like I've become a spokesperson thanks to Will. I should be getting commissioned to the George Foreman drills or something here, you know? That elusive Spawn column, as Will likes me to say. Will, what kind of notes are you getting in yours? It's amazing. I love spicy stuff. If you haven't got a spice in your sandwich, get out of my house. Yeah. The American-style cheese, like the melty processed cheese, that's really doing a lot of the work here. It's spicy.

[00:49:55] It's balanced. Salt, fat, acid, heat. You can taste the peanut butter. There's some nice crunch. I actually, unashamedly, really like this sandwich. Michael, it's yours. Mine is ready to go. Before I cut it, though, I want to know, guys, do you cut your sandwiches on the diagonal or do you go straight across? How do we do this? Diagonal. Yeah. You see, I think there's always two options. Either diagonal or like a half, a lateral incision. No one ever cuts along the lengthways, leaving you with two sort of rectangles. So I'm thinking Michael, that's why.

[00:50:25] No. All right. Well, I'm about to cut in now, so listeners will hear this. That's satisfying. Crispy. It is crispy. Yeah. Can you hear like the scrape of the top? Yeah, it's good. It's good. It's good stuff. I must say, I was skeptical of cooking in an audio medium, but this has definitely proved me wrong. That's a great sound. We're getting there. I'm taking a tip from Dave. Hugh, how was yours? Oh, don't talk to Hugh.

[00:50:54] I'm having a great time. He's having a time out. I'm having a great time. Is there any form out of this that you would have entered into this with a good positive spirit? Is there anything we could have been eating that you would have had some joie de vivre? I have joie de vivre. I just don't want to eat something I don't like. I eat what I like. That's the whole point. That's the most joie de vivre thing of all. No. No, that's not true. So if this was the scone episode? I would, first of all, bake my own scones again, which none of you would do.

[00:51:21] And then I'd eat them deliciously with homemade blackberry jam. So screw you. So much anger. So much anger this has brought out. It's because he hasn't had a toasty. He doesn't know the joy. Have you ever had one? I have. Yeah. They're fine. I'd rather have a different sandwich. Again, it's just, it's one of those things that people just make a big deal of like, oh no, but a toasty. You know, but a toasty. Those people.

[00:51:51] You know those people. Do you think you're just hanging out with saps though? Yeah. I think you need better friends, Hugh. I don't hang out with anyone. Yeah, well. Clearly. I'm happier for it. I do agree with Hugh that like, you can't fetishize them. It's not a personality to like toasties. I mean, I'm with you. It is a personality, however, to object to Will's method of making toasties. That is really quite a good personality, in fact. But no, just like enjoying them as a thing. Not enough. You need something else. Have something else going on, guys.

[00:52:17] Hugh, if we all gathered back together, got Dave back and we did like a curry making episode, would you? Hugh would have bread and cheese. Yeah. What's the question? Like I do eat other foods. I just don't want a toasted sandwich. Is there anything that you would bring a positive mental attitude to? Life. I guess it is. Yogurt. You can't say that and have us believe you when you're so angry about it. Oh, Michael, that looks delicious.

[00:52:43] Mine is on camera now and it's, it looks, it looks great, right? Look, look at this. Michael, can we get a, can we get a noise of you? Can we get you a crunch? Yeah, absolutely. I will indulge. Michael's fried bread is very good. Again, why are you calling it grilled cheese? Oh, did you hear that? Again, great, great audio content. That's just so much crunch. It's so good. And the onion, the onion marmalade, it's so good. It's really nice.

[00:53:12] This is, this is what your listeners want is the sound of people eating and then mumbling through mouthfuls of toasted cheese. So good. So good. It's delicious. The content you never knew you wanted, people. I will say, first time I've done it, that's definitely the best toasted sandwich I've ever made. And I think I burnt it a little bit. I'll even say that. But yeah. It's good. It's good. Would you make it again? I would. Yeah, I would. This is definitely the way I'm making toasted sandwiches from now on. That was great. Normally, I'd just stick them in the grill, you know?

[00:53:40] But I've learned, I think I've learned something about myself today. There was one thing I wanted to ask that came up during the week. The heel of the bread. The heel of the loaf. Yeah. Michael. Yeah, I like it. Talk us through. I think the heel of the loaf is the nicest part of it. It's like you eat the entire bread loaf and then at the end, as a treat, there's a nice big bland biscuit for you. And you get to munch through that. Is it your favorite part of the woman as well? The heel. The heel. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:54:10] And like a loaf of bread, women have two heels. So nobody went for the disgusting hot pocket, which is my burlesque name. Do you mean a toasty? It's not a disgusting hot pocket. It's the perfect... Will, they are so reprehensible. You get this molten cheese. You only just discovered that you're allowed to butter things in the fucking week. Stay out of this. Oh my God. They're the most perfect things. It encloses it all and it doesn't...

[00:54:38] The steam gets encapsulated and then you take the top off and it almost burns you. It's a dangerous food. They're so sweaty. It's a savory donut, Will. That's what it is. Hot, sweaty, massive, compacted bread. You're all making them wrong. How are you making them sweaty? Stop wearing them on your pits. It's the steam you love so much. It's this beloved steam of yours. Just sweating out of that bread. Guys, are there any... And I'm not just talking about toasties, but sandwiches in general.

[00:55:05] Are there any sandwiches that really jump out at you that you like eating? Just one I'll throw out there. I don't know if anyone knows. The Pepper Pot Cafe in Powerscourt Town Centre. Dave, you're nodding. Do you know the sandwiches I'm talking about? I particularly love their sausage sandwich, but they also do an excellent pear sandwich with all sorts of things as well. That's the one. Pear, bacon and cheddar. It's amazing. A surprising combo. It is very good. Hugh, is there anywhere in Dublin in particular that you like eating your depressing meals?

[00:55:34] Here's my question for you, which is who... Okay, if you go to somewhere like a good quality restaurant or cafe that you know, fair enough. But outside of that, how many people in the world are there whom you let make a sandwich for you? Oh. Because I think that's a key question. Well, there's one less in the world now, mate. There's one. Maybe Michael now as well. Two. No, Dave. Three. Thanks, Sonia.

[00:55:59] Off this podcast, basically, I'd say only my mother really would be very happy with. She does a very good turkey and ham toasty the day after Christmas. I feel that with certain foods, like particularly lunch foods or salad foods, like, again, I appreciate that it's not necessarily always a popular opinion. But I love a bit of mashed egg, a bit of mayonnaise in there, right? But the idea... I have to tell you about my eggs. Hang on, you can in a second. Okay. And I make that myself.

[00:56:28] However, the idea of eating the exact same thing created by anyone else makes me want to vomit. Because I know eggs are inherently disgusting. But this food itself is not nice. But when I make it, it's fine, you know? Well, I've been getting... I have an air fryer and I've gotten very into air frying eggs. So you put the egg in whole, like in its shell, right? Nine minutes. And then you get this, like, perfect soft boiled egg. Peel it. Mash it up. Have it on bread. Delicious. If someone else served it to me, I would vomit on their shoes.

[00:56:58] I mean, soft boiled is an interesting phrase, again. Because there's no boiling going on there whatsoever. No. It's soft. Oh. Mr. Grilled Cheese Toasty Maker George Foreman coming to talk about the definitions of words, are we? Yeah. Yeah. Eggs are kind of disgusting. And, you know, I feel the same about, you know, scampi fries? Like, you're eating those, you're like, oh, these are so sick. My brother, John, was once on a hike and someone had made sandwiches for the

[00:57:26] group and she had made egg sandwiches. First of all, terrible choice. Again, I like an egg sandwich, but don't make it for the group. Give them cheese. Have a choice of cheese and ham and cheese. You know, that's all you need. Something safe. I think John battled manfully through it, even though he would never be a fan of an egg sandwich out of politeness. What she said, though, was a phrase that should probably have her locked up for the rest of her life, which was, I made these just before we came out. Normally, I try and make them the day before so that the mayonnaise can really soak

[00:57:55] into the bread. That's a nightmare. It's only the second worst thing that's been said on the podcast. After my sandwich, yeah. It's not a sandwich, Hugh. It's a bit of bread. I agree. I agree. Although it's called an open sandwich, actually. You did that thing where we were all playing a game and then little Hugh said, I want to play by my own rules. I'm going to go stab at the corner. Except, Will. Except, do you know what the difference is? It doesn't affect anyone else's game. Everyone's still able to play their own game.

[00:58:24] No, you're part of the gym, the gymification of things. You're the guy at like in the office who turns up to a Halloween party. He's like, I'm myself. Yeah. I don't like costumes. I thought you were about to accuse me of something related to gyms. And I was like, well, that is something I can defend with complete honesty. It makes, you know, the conceit of this is that we're all doing a stupid thing. We all play the game. We all have a nice time. You guys all are like, let's make this thing I really love and eat it.

[00:58:52] And Hugh can make something he doesn't like and have to chow through that as well. Hugh, I put raw ginger in mine, mate. It was weird. You love raw ginger, Will. Look at how you live. You don't tell me you don't snort raw ginger every morning. We knew we were playing with fire when we went back to Toastygate, but this has really exploded in our faces. Can I say something I think is going to go down even worse? Go on, please. Sandwiches can fuck off and die. Sandwiches are bad, generally.

[00:59:22] Sandwiches are, like to paraphrase Liz Lemon, that's all anybody really wants in life is to eat a delicious sandwich. No, that's not true. Sandwiches are bad. I kind of agree with Will in that I put things on bread. I don't make sandwiches. I put things on bread. But why wouldn't you just add more bread? Because rather than having two slices of bread on the one quantity of food, I can then have two slices of bread with twice the quantity of other food on top. Oh, wow. So I've often seen you when you undo a packed lunch. Other people are just unrolling. Unrolling.

[00:59:53] Unleashing. Unfurling. Uncasing a sandwich. And you've got like, here's my bread. Here's my little thing of cucumbers. And my little thing of cheese. And now I have to assemble my sandwich. What's wrong with that? Flawless impression as well. It's just a lot. Like, if you were like on the hop, you can't just like chaw into a sandwich. You have to be assembling. When am I going to be on the hop, Onya? Where am I going? Where am I hopping to? I live a quiet life.

[01:00:22] Yeah, but say you're cycling around and you stop at the side of the road. Again, here's the other thing, Onya. I plan my life well. I don't have to suddenly stop on the side of the road to open up a little box of cheese that I've brought with me. But that's, again, that sounds really nice. You just told me it sounded mad. Where do you stand on this artigan? No, but stopping for a picnic sounds nice. Yeah, and if I stopped for a picnic, I'd probably do exactly what you said and unfold my different parts. That's a weird sentence.

[01:00:52] I want to get to the voting segment of today's episode. So I guess we all got one vote. You can vote for yourself as well. I will say... We're all just going to vote for ourselves. I will say what I'm going to do is we're going to use proportional representation by the single transferable vote to determine who comes out on top here. So... Okay. It's not proportional representation. It's just the single transferable vote. You're only electing one member, Michael.

[01:01:23] We'll see. We'll see. We'll see. So I'm going to go first. I vote for me. My sandwich was delicious. First time effort. Straight out of the gates. You know, I took a chance. Paid off. Very nice sandwich. Right. And Michael, are you not giving us your two, three, four and five preference? The whole point of the system you introduced? No, no, no. Well, I'm kind of assuming that... One of us is going to win straight off. So this, you know, this should hopefully be a quick part of the big segment. Why did you even introduce the electoral system, Michael?

[01:01:54] So, Hugh, who do you vote for? That's one of the stupidest 30 seconds of anyone's life I've ever heard. Can we rewind to about 20 minutes ago when you started talking about bread? Hugh, who do you vote for? I'm going to vote... I'm going to vote the way this podcast normally works. And I'm going to say toasted sandwiches are not a legitimate like. And that's the only vote you're getting from... No, you're not even playing... Oh, my God. This is... Oh, sorry. You're not even playing the game. A game where we are all going to say, I win.

[01:02:22] Where we're all going to vote for the thing we just made an eight. Fine. I vote for my thing then. You have to vote for a toasted sandwich, Hugh. So, Hugh's voted for himself. Come on, who's... Anya? Okay, Will. Anya, who are you voting for? Don't you dare vote for Michael. I'll remind you that the quota in this race is two. So, just... Michael, you don't understand what the system is at all. Can someone mute Hugh? Is that possible? I'm a host, isn't it? I'm a host.

[01:02:52] I'm going to end the meeting. I'm going to end the meeting right now. No! It's all gone about Hanforth, Paris Council. Unfortunately. I'm... Can I revisit my vote if we all vote for ourselves? I'll come to you last. Because I know who I... I'll come to you last. No, no. I want to have some integrity. I want to. There's always a time for a first, isn't there, Anya? The sandwich I would most like to eat on today's podcast,

[01:03:20] if I could take the ham out of it, would be Dave's. Anya? You're sort of... That's sort of... You're sort of... That's not Dave's sandwich, though, is it? Because you can't... No! The best sandwich! The best sandwich! Okay, so... Hang on. Will, your vote? Hang on a sec. One second. Hold on. Right? This might sound like I'm pandering. But I am all about people doing their own thing. And no one did their own thing more than piling up the weirdest collection of ingredients than Will Seabag Montefiore.

[01:03:51] So if you want me to pick one of those sandwiches, I'm going to pick the mental sandwich that Will did because he did his thing, which I admire. I reject your vote. I don't want it. Take it back. That's what I thought would happen. Don't want it. Take it back and shove it on top of your stupid bit of bread and cheese. I vote for Michael. Michael did a great job. Amazing. Amazing. Okay. It looks delicious. You'd never done it before. It was touch and go there when you had it as an open sandwich. Yeah. It looks delicious. It doesn't have any ham in it. It wasn't in a stupid George Foreman grill. And it wasn't Ornia's weird butter gate.

[01:04:20] I loved it. Well done, Michael. Thanks very much, Will. Dave. Okay. It's down to me. So I think it's important to note that the real winner here is me because I managed to basically ruin the podcast by having this episode made. And clearly none of you are ever going to speak to each other again. So mission accomplished. I've never felt further from you and closer to Michael and I don't know how to deal with that.

[01:04:48] However, I was probably thinking at the start of this I was going to vote for Michael and then Michael voted for himself. And that's the kind of lack of integrity. I just can't deal with. After that, in terms of sandwiches I want to eat, I would definitely vote for Ornia. But I'm all about building bridges. I'm all about... Not for fuck's sake! Hang on, Dave. If you don't vote for yourself, Michael wins. Hold on. I'm not sure about that. I think I just stuck out of my elbow. I want to build bridges. I want to reach out.

[01:05:18] Hugh has, I think, retrospectively turned his vote toward Will so that if I also vote for Will's insane mega sandwich in a gesture of goodwill to someone who clearly doesn't understand toasties as evidenced by the monstrosity that he made. You know, it's kind of like a participation prize. I vote for Will. I vote for Will. Will, congratulations. You did well. Rejected. Absolutely rejected that. I don't think you can reject votes. I think this has been such a bastardization of the format. It's like if it was the Great British Bake... British...

[01:05:50] The Great British Bake Off and somebody's like, I made a turkey. No. It's almost like that, Onya. Except, except... I assume you're talking about Hugh and not me. But except someone just turned up and just left the flour in a bowl and was like, that's what I'm doing. I prefer that. And the one person who literally didn't leave the flour in the bowl and baked the bread for their meal. No points. And talking about bastardization of the formats, you four are all the bastards of the format.

[01:06:18] I vote the toasties are not a legitimate like, which is the name of the podcast. Dave, which of your visits to Legitimate Likes HQ have you enjoyed the most? I mean, obviously I've loved them all. They've all been special in their own way. But just watching the abject chaos and watching Hugh, one of the most pleasant, mild-mannered people I know, genuinely melt down on Zoom, has been a joy, to be honest. So it has to be this one. And I got to eat a toastie. So I'm delighted. You didn't eat a toastie.

[01:06:47] I ate a toasted sandwich. So I've done what I always do. I have lost track of the votes. I know I got two. Will, you got... Did I... If I won... I got zero. If I won... I rejected the vote. Will got two, but tried to reject them. I rejected my vote. Which you really can't do in an electoral system. So... I will go and be sick into the... I will sick up my toastie. I do not want their votes. Okay. So... Sick up my toastie sounds like... You know when Daphne Moon has that sitcom that she was in in Frasier, Mind Your Knickers? Sick up my toastie!

[01:07:17] Sounds like a... I'm also absolutely livid. I referred to my toasted sandwich as a toastie there. That's embarrassing. Oh. So the votes... Words with Will. I guess the votes are in, right? And it seems like I'm... I'm romping home with this victory. That's not true. No, you're not! Votes are, Michael. There were two votes for you and there were two votes... I stand down. No, Will. You put yourself on the ballot pick. You can't reject votes. Is that not how elections work? Okay. Okay. So the way it works... You can, but the votes are still counted. We'll have to have another election. A special election. So the way it works,

[01:07:47] if we're both tied, the people who voted for the sandwiches which have been eliminated get their second preference. So who... So that would be... Anya. Anya. I've been eliminated now so you have to vote for either Michael or Will. Anya gets to decide if it's me or Will who wins. Oh, Anya. All I want to say is don't think about the sandwich, think about the man. Play the man, not the bullet. Okay? Because that's what you have to do on this. Think about your future.

[01:08:17] Play the man, not the sandwich. Anya, don't... I don't want to win. I feel like on America's Next Top... I hold in my hands the faces of the two girls. The faces? In the final round. Not the face. You hold their faces. It's very Hannibal Lecter. Tyra Banks used to have like these photos like would the man not selected please return to the house, pack up your things and go home. The person I... the sandwich I want to eat is Michael's. Michael, why don't you? Yes!

[01:08:48] Amazing. Well done, Michael. Amazing. So all the challengers there. That's great. I'm very happy. I don't appreciate that I wasn't even in today. I made a very... I made a very good sandwich and it was... I got the full range of emotions there from when you went from like magnanimity to like insane jealousy and bitterness. I do think that's a very fair point, Onya. Like you did sort of so much inflammatory bullshit

[01:09:17] happened around your very normal and lovely entry that it's entirely unjust. My normal and lovely entry is not a good sentence. Will, I would just like to say that you perfectly represented the left of centre politics that you would adhere to in that you showed yourself utterly incapable of winning the election because of your principles.

[01:09:46] I think it's a little bit different when you actively try to not get elected. They haven't tried that yet. That is what most left-wing politicians seem to be doing. Yeah, I don't think they're trying. I actively went out to my voter base and said I don't want your votes to stay away from me. Yeah, again, again, in the way they act. I feel that's... Reasonably solid. One thing I do want to say before we finish up the pod is just, obviously, we've got a lot

[01:10:14] of listeners from all over the world. I think most of our listeners are from Ireland, the UK, and the US. But I've noticed as well, we have pockets of listeners around the world from Canada, France, and Colombia. And I'd just like to say we'd like to hear from all of our listeners, but I'd especially like to hear from you guys. How did you come across us? What would you like us to talk about? I'd just be interested to hear... How much did you hate Hugh's Toast? Yeah. What's your regional toasted delicacy? And to your American listeners,

[01:10:44] I just want to apologise for my comments earlier about comforters and curtains. You have a lovely country and I hope that you are all enjoying podcasts. Thanks very much. Pretty sure any of the Americans who listen to this podcast know that their country is ridiculous. Says the man who's from a country that calls a cupboard a press. Yeah. That is a tough one to stand over. As opposed to a board for cops. You're right, Will. So, Will or Hugh, do you want to... No, we're not talking to each other anymore. I don't want to talk to you anymore.

[01:11:14] We're obviously not going to finish this, yeah. I've never hated anyone more. Dave, do you think we've found any sort of... Do you see what I'm saying at all? I know you seem to hate actual toasties, real toasties, and you love your toasted sandwiches, but there is a place for the toasty. I'm going to tell you a truth now, it's hard to admit. I actually have no particular problem with toasties, as you call them. I think they're perfectly fine. I don't think they're as good as toasties made

[01:11:43] in a George Foreman, but actually, this is largely put on to exacerbate our rivalry in Illinois. So, I think it's worth confessing that now. I think they are deeply fine. That is, I think, the nicest thing I can muster on this topic. You know, deeply fine. That's pretty good, right? Yeah, I mean... That's your drag name, I think. You'd be fine. So, yeah, well, that's good. It's nice to peek behind Yorca, and have a little peek behind mine, and you'll see that I, most of the time, make toasted sandwiches. It's very rare

[01:12:13] that I make a toasty, and I love a toasty. I think they're fantastic, but really, the only thing that I can say is that I hated Hugh's so much. I hated Hugh's contribution, or lack thereof, so much. That's what I'd like to take away from this, so we can do a matrix. A new nemesis. Yeah, we come together, you guys come together, and lie to make it funny, and I am honest to ruin my friendships, so let's take this race. And finally, Toasties, legitimate like? Yes? Yeah, obviously. Yes. Yes. And if you've been affected by any of the issues

[01:12:43] raised in this episode, please contact me. Tweet at Will. To play us out, will I just eat the final slice of the record? Yeah, go on, give us a... If you can do some ASMR. All right, all right. Thank you so much for licking. Whoops. Thank you so much for listening to Legitimate Likes. We love it, we always love having a listener. Thank you for doing that. Share it with your friends, share it with your family, share it with everybody, and tell them that Hugh is a gigantic moron. Like us on Twitter

[01:13:12] and Instagram, and subscribe, and... Wait, what do you... Oh, rate five stars. I'm so... I'm definitely re-recording this. This is an absolute outrage. Can we re-record your bits, all of your shit? Just say it now. Can I hear... Can we hear a bit more of you eating and enjoying that, Michael? I want to really hear it. Come on. I don't even mind that it's a bit cold. It's so good. It's really nice. He's having to run. Oh, no. It's so morish. And so... There's still a lot of butter on the edges. Yeah, I'm not sure I've ever seen

[01:13:42] a man enjoy a sandwich more. It's kind of disturbing, to be honest, to watch it. Thanks so much for coming on, Dave Kenny. Have you had a nice time? It was a pleasure. Delighted to have been here on what may well be the last ever episode of Legitimate Likes, so good to see the podcast out and friendship's ended. Thanks so much for producing, Michael and Onya and Hugh. Go die in a hole. Goodbye, everybody. Bye. Bye.

[01:14:18] This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit podomity.com. Podomity.com.