Rewind: The Animal Kingdom

[00:00:00] This show is nominated for a 2026 Golden Lobes Podcast Award. Get in! Sir David Attenborough, if you're listening to this, happy birthday. If you're listening to this and you're not Sir David Attenborough, if you could get in touch with him, that'd be super helpful for us. It's an absolutely momentous day here at Legitimate Likes HQ because it's the day after the Golden Lobes Awards ceremony. Myself and Ornia went to it and we had an absolute blast.

[00:00:24] And listen, we didn't win this year but there were some incredible podcasts who won the awards and we're not bitter at all. We're absolutely fine. Seriously, thank you so so much for voting for us. We really really appreciate it. You're amazing. And next year, create some fake email addresses and vote double. Thank you very much. But who cares about awards when it's the beginning of David month? Starting with David Attenborough's birthday, we've got four episodes coming out in between these seasons. We had a season, now we're in the middle of a season break, but we're still going to give you content because we love you and we want you to be happy.

[00:00:53] And we don't want you to have to, you know, go on commutes without anything in your ears because then you have to be alone with your thoughts and that's scary. So this is David month. Everyone loves celebrating David month. It's definitely not a thing that we've just made up. But hopefully it's a thing that will spread around the world. So the next four weeks are going to be episodes all about, well I say all about, loosely linked by David Attenborough. And then the other two are going to have David Kenny in them. Professor David Kenny, a fan favourite, one of the best guests we've ever had.

[00:01:21] He's my nemesis. I hate him with all my heart, but listen, people seem to really like him and he's very handsome. So fine. But before we get into the episode, which is a re-release of our Animal Kingdom episode that we think David Attenborough would be really proud of, we want to give you some bonus content, you know, because if you've already listened to the Animal Kingdom, they'd be like, well, why would I listen again? Well, the answer is this juicy bit of gossip that I'm about to give you. Also, I'm on my own by the way. Ornia, Hugh and Michael didn't seem to want to hang out with me. So I'm just riffing, riffing and skiffing.

[00:01:51] I really hate that I've said that, but I'm not going to delete it because I think it's important to share your failures as well as your successes. So I just thought I'd tell you about my week, you know, what I've been up to. I had a pretty standard Saturday. I had one of those Saturdays where you go to your friend's barbecue, but you've told them in advance that you're only going to stay for an hour because you've got another appointment. I say appointment. You've been invited to a daytime rave. So I went to the barbecue. I helped cook all of the meat and all of the stuff.

[00:02:19] And just as the food was ready, I was like, see you later, everybody have fun. I haven't yet heard if anyone got food poisoned, but I'm really hoping that that's not okay. Not the case. Actually, there's a lot of discussion of food poisoning in this episode. So that's that's actually a link. That's not even just random sort of nonsense. That is, it makes sense to be talking about it. I left the barbecue. I went on my merry way, listening to some music, got a train, then got on a bike and got my way to the daytime rave where I was taken backstage, got to see all the ravey stuff.

[00:02:47] I've never been to a rave before. Let me tell you, I was like a fish out of water or an animal out of its kingdom, so to speak. Like there was loads of people talking to me about all the famous rave DJs who were there. They were like, oh, flubble butts over here. Have you seen Iron Dong? Oh my God, wooden doors here. And I was like, none of this, none of this means anything to me. And there was a man who came up and tried to get cocaine off me.

[00:03:13] I've never taken or had cocaine, but I did see cocaine. I think basically for the first time, despite the fact that I'm cool and wear caps. I very much avoided that particular sort of area of class A drugs because I apparently have resting narc face. Anyway, there's a guy whose mouth was all the way on the side of his face who managed to get himself some cocaine.

[00:03:36] So kudos to that man. And then after a couple of beers backstage at the druggy rave, I then cycled along on my merry way. This is a classic lineup of a day. Went from the daytime rave to a French cabaret show. So that was lovely. It was a musical cabaret at a French cafe. So I had some wine and I watched that. And there was an open mic section at the end. And everyone was like, will you going to sing? And I was like, oh, no.

[00:04:03] And then they didn't push it at all. So I was like, I don't think this was a genuine request for me to sing. I think they were just being polite. And I'm not really a musical theater singer. So I don't think it would have gone well. Anyway, in the open mic section, this woman called Gemma got up. And you shared a little fun fact about yourself at the start. Gemma is the brains behind naming two things. Gemma named the Nectar card and also named Cadbury's Heroes.

[00:04:31] She's the reason it's called Nectar in Heroes. That's the most unbelievable thing I'd seen all day. And bear in mind, I've been to a barbecue, a rave and a French cabaret that day. Incredible. So I really think we should do an episode on this Gemma person, but I don't know how to contact her. So I'm going to go how to go back to the French cabaret. Then after the French cabaret, me and some of the acts went for a lovely sit down meal in. A Domino's pizza. I don't know if anyone's ever done that before, but it feels really weird.

[00:04:59] It feels like you shouldn't be there. You're like eating in a waiting room. But let me tell you, it was absolutely delicious. I got a veggie supreme. I shared two of my slices with a French girl because I'm a sound dude. And then me and my wife cycled back home and that's about it. The episode. Let's talk about the episode. I hope that was worth, like, you know, adding five or ten minutes to the runtime of the episode just by talking about that. But look, I experienced it and now you know it.

[00:05:28] So you can tell people about the nectar and the heroes thing. And look, I haven't fact checked it anyway. She could have been lying. So we might be back at the start where we are. But where we are now is about to go into the Animal Kingdom episode. It's a brilliant episode. It's a draft episode. So Michael has a load of... We have to pick a load of animals. And it gets pretty heated about pigs and naked mole rats. We learn about shepherd's pies with Hugh and I. Ornia's husband pets a bag.

[00:05:55] We talk about actually the first time that myself, Ornia and Michael hung out together just the three of us. And left a mess at the house. There's a big discussion on leaving food out. And there's also a discussion of pigs swimming in a tank. So happy birthday, David Attenborough. I'm sure lots of people are marking the day by releasing a podcast about something that's loosely linked to you. And are just doing it to sort of get the SEO results of like, Oh, David Attenborough is being searched for today because it's his birthday. I imagine it's what we'll do when you die as well.

[00:06:26] Sorry about that. Thank you for listening. Enjoy the show. I love you forever. And enjoy David month. Goodbye! Hello and welcome to Legitimate Likes. The podcast where we take a look at some of humanity's most popular fascinations.

[00:06:54] And we try to work out, are they really worthy of the hype? They may be likes, but are they legitimate likes? My name is Hugh and I'm joined as always by my co-host Will. Hi, Will. Hugh, the last time I saw you was in Ireland. Yeah. It was great. I was there for a while. We hung out. We spent like eight or nine hours together one day. One day we did. I was actually talking to someone about that recently. They were like, why? And I was like, I don't know if we just kind of went different places and neither of us left the other. You made shepherd's pie in my house. Yeah.

[00:07:23] Did you enjoy most of the time? I did enjoy most of the time. Were there any bits that you didn't enjoy? You've asked me one question and I've answered it, Will. I think that's all I need. Yeah, great. You just don't pull on that thread, I think. Did you enjoy some of the time? I enjoyed all of the time, actually. Okay. We made a shepherd's... Well, Hugh said I need to make a shepherd's pie. I said I can help. And then I sort of made the shepherd's pie for you. You did, yeah. Actually, no. Not yet. It's in the freezer.

[00:07:51] Stay tuned for later episodes of Legitimate Like so we can find out all about that beefy pie. And we watched some American football. We did, yeah. At Jeremy Kintzler's house. We surprised Jeremy Kintzler with me being there and he seemed utterly unfazed. He didn't know who you were. I think he thought you were a delivery man. Yeah. What would you be delivering to Jeremy's house? Homemade kombucha. That I've bottled and put a terrible label on that has killed three people. I'm a door-to-door salesperson, yeah.

[00:08:20] And like I don't have a food hygiene certificate. I don't have anything like that. No. It's called... It's called the Mighty Booch. What could it be called? A boochie call. There you go. So I pop round to your house, you call me and I bring around some booch for you. And if you're lucky, I'll make you a beef-based dish. Speaking of a beef-based dish, I think it's time to welcome in our producers, Michael and Onya. Hi guys. Hello, hello, hello. Hello.

[00:08:45] And will Michael and Onya, you three recorded in person, which is the first time ever that the three of you have been in person without me, I suppose. That you know of you. Yeah. I've never experienced anything more off-putting and disturbing than listening back to the recording of you two eating. It's absolute filth. It's not... Why are you not horrified by yourself eating though? Listen to the recording. It's true. None of this. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Oh, that's so good.

[00:09:15] Oh, that's so good. In fairness, Onya and Michael, like listening to your voices every week, even when you're not eating, the noises you make are quite eating related, I feel. So I can only imagine what it's like when there's actual food in the mix. Yeah, we're bon vivants, you know? Yeah. It was like you'd never eaten anything before. Well, you saw how bare Michael's cupboards were when we got there. So by the time the food arrived, it was like... Do you live in a show house, Michael? Yeah, I do. His house was... Michael, your house had a real... That had just been cleaned that day, hadn't it?

[00:09:44] It's just cleaned every day, Onya. Is it? No, like that house had been like professionally cleaned that day. Definitely. No! No! Like you had got... It was very obvious to me that you had got significant effort because there was no size of life. I mean, does that surprise you at all that I tried to keep all surfaces completely empty and erase any evidence of activity? But what do you do with your things? I don't have things, Onya, you know? I'm not things man. You have a staff. I'm an ideas man. But why don't you have like...

[00:10:14] Like, I'm just looking beside me, right? There is, you know, there's a globe, there's a ribbon off a Christmas present, there's some candles. It's awful. You know, there's bits of... There's a book. There's bits of vods. Onya, yeah. I've got a small boxed, possibly never unboxed classic desktop dice cricket game. Oh, NRFB. I've got a volunteer lanyard. I've got a stapler. I've got someone else's glasses.

[00:10:42] I've got two candlesticks that were given to me at my christening. Wow. They really hang around, don't they man? Were you big into candles at your christening? Yeah. I've got an Air France notebook. I've got some face serum. Like, where are all your things? Like, where are your bits and bobs? I don't... I'm like bits and bobs. I'm not a bits and bobs person. They don't accumulate... They're your kids, aren't they? But do you never... A bit from bobs. Do you never, like, need to scribble something down on a page? I have a notepad. I have my notepad in front of me. There we go.

[00:11:12] He may... Is that some kind of day planning? No, this is a plan for tonight's episode, actually, because this requires some charting. Michael, did you enjoy when I was asking... I was trying to work out what was in all your drawers? Because I didn't really ask about if I could do that, but I was guessing where the cutlery and stuff was. You did. Will came into my house. He marched into my house and pretty much immediately started trying to profile my kitchen. Like, he was like, this is where... No, no. First of all, I hung out with your kids and had a great time playing with the jigsaws. You did some jigsaws.

[00:11:41] You did some light entertainment. You got a big hug. Got some big hugs. That was great. And then I was like straight to try and find where the appliance was. Yeah, you really were, yeah. Then, Michael, what did you do to my handbag? I think he will be very interested in this. Oh, I did. Well, I... Did you root through it again? He was... I had a handbag and I had my bag on my laptop and suddenly there's this gremlin... He's like a squirrel in a bin. Oh my God. And he was apparently moving them to the sofa to get them out of the way.

[00:12:11] But like, I think generally... You do have to go hand first into the bag and bring it up inside out to take it. Anyway, that's how I moved stuff. I just think most people would say, oh, you can put your bag there if you like. Whereas you, you went in both fists. I did. I did. Yeah. But look, if there's nothing in there to hide on you, I don't see what the problem is. I... That's for me to decide. Yeah, you don't know if there's nothing in there to hide. Yeah. Well, you'll think twice. You'll think twice before coming to my house again, won't you? Also, you'll enjoy this.

[00:12:39] The bag I had in your house, did you see it? It was like a white fluffy bag. And the other day, it was on the bed and my husband thought it was our cat and was just petting us. Because it was just behind him on the bed. God. He hasn't been the same since his mind has gone, has he? That's wonderful. That's wonderful. Yeah. Also, Michael, we left your house and did no cleaning up. No, I know. We just got in a taxi. Well, I meant to call you out on this, right? I think you're worse than me for this, right? That's terrible. Because you made a big...

[00:13:08] Neither of us cleaned up, but you just made a big song and dance about it even as you were calling a taxi. Like, you could have cleaned up. No, I'd already called the taxi when it happened. Yeah, but you could have cleaned for the moments you were there, but you spent maybe 10 minutes here. I beg to differ, okay? Because there was... As the person who did the clean up both that night and then the following morning, there was significantly more detritus left behind by you, Anya, than there was by Will. So... Yeah, I did take a bag of my stuff. And then... Oh, that, sorry. That was your thing.

[00:13:37] He brought most of the soggy. Yeah, he did. Soggy... This is insane, Hugh. Anya had a glass of milk out for about 30 minutes. It was like, well, I can't drink that anymore. It's all disgusting. It's been out of the fridge for more than a second. I got in the taxi with the guy and I was like, oh, so sorry, I've got a takeaway. Do you mind if I bring it in? He's like, yeah, no worries. I was like, sorry, it smells a bit of food. And he was like, don't worry, just be your grand. And I was like, what a nice taxi man. And then the whole way he was just racist and it was bad. Oh, I hate when they disappoint you when you get your hopes up and then...

[00:14:07] I know. Yeah, Will ordered the most food, but he brought it all home to his credit. Hmm. Hmm. Yeah, yeah. I actually ended up giving it to a friend of mine who... Oh my God, that food, Will. Like, it had been unrefrigerated for so long. You're so weird. Like, I'm not joking about how weird I find you when you're saying it's been unrefrigerated. Hugh, Hugh. So you gave it to a friend of yours in the UK? No, no, no, no, no. That, to be fair, I think that would be weird. There would be a bit much.

[00:14:35] No, I ride back at my fiance's and she was just saying bye to a friend. A friend? And I was like, I'm flying tomorrow. Huh? A friend. Will goes out for the night. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It was actually a bag. I didn't... She mistook it for a friend. But she has a kid and I was like, oh, I was so full of curry that I couldn't imagine eating any more curry. So I was like, would you like a bag full of food? And she was like, yes, please. Oh, Will, I don't know.

[00:15:05] It was like half a vindaloo. It was three-quarters of a vindaloo and most of a dal. Yeah. And half a thing of... Half an oyster pail of rice. Why did you get so much food? Or else not eat very much food. We lost our minds at some point. I think for a full breakdown of what happened, listen to the takeaways. You were so worried thinking about whether you could. You didn't stop to think. Yes, exactly. If you know. So say I come to... Say we're at your house, right? And we order a takeaway.

[00:15:35] Let's say an Indian, okay? And we order it and it arrives at eight o'clock. So it's been in transit for maybe 20 minutes. And it's sitting out... Or in my case, about an hour and a half. It was in transit. So it's sitting out on the counter, right? It comes to half eleven at night. Are you still eating that food on the counter? Yeah, I wouldn't rule out eating it. Do you mean now or tomorrow? No, that... So say... I'm hungry again. So it's eight o'clock, food arrives. Yeah.

[00:16:03] And then before bed, kind of before midnight, are you tucking into food that's been sitting out? Oh, well I'd heat it up a little bit. But yeah, I wouldn't have a problem with it being sitting out for three hours. It's so insane that you would... What about the next morning? Well, I would have put it in the fridge overnight. No, no, no. This is on the counter. It's on the counter. Well, it wouldn't have been on the counter. Hold on, I would put it in the fridge overnight. Will, you said a lot of big things.

[00:16:28] You were like, basically there's nothing that I will scavenge out of like a gross kitchen and eat. Yeah, but according to you, scavenging is leaving it out for four hours. You're not meant to do over more than two hours. Two hours is the cutoff for say... Yeah, if you work in a professional kitchen like we don't, it's obviously fine. And the things you do... You're the reason people are hungry. And... You are the reason. Food waste. You're terrible, Ornia. Yeah, but I just put it in the fridge. You're wandering through the airports, throwing your food in the bin, not putting your trays away.

[00:16:58] It's terrible. A terrible life you lead, Ornia. What about rice? Because rice is the really dangerous one. And Michael... Yeah, rice is really dangerous. Yeah, everyone says this. I've never had a problem. It's fine. Rice is a killer. It is the silent killer. I've been getting lots of rice. You're not meant to eat rice. Rice is really dangerous. It doesn't happen. You're not meant to fly. It's fine. I say you say, oh, nothing happened to me, but you definitely didn't feel great. I just, I feel very strongly on this, people. Don't, you know... It is so baffling to me. Like, it's so fine.

[00:17:26] Obviously the rice thing, yeah, you can, it's not good. If you don't, if you have a sensitive stomach, don't. But like, mmm, you'll probably be fine. But if you refrigerate your rice overnight, then it's grand. Rice is still one of those things that you're not meant to reheat. I've done that so many times. Well, sorry, I don't reheat it. I don't reheat it. I just have a cold. Yeah, eat it cold. Yeah, yeah. Anya, you know when you had to defrost your freezer and eat everything because you were worried about it? Had you just left the door open for more than 30 seconds? No, no.

[00:17:54] The latch was broken on it so we discovered that it had been open for an unknown period of time. You have a latch. Well, there's like a suction, you know the thing that goes. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I just imagined like a bolt. It's like a, you couldn't close it any other way than like dead bolting your freezer. Yeah, and a man opens a tiny window and says, what's the password? Do you have a chain on your freezer so you can put the chain on if you're not sure? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or does the food inside have the chain when they see you coming towards them?

[00:18:23] Your husband stroking your bag. They're here again. Hide. Hide frozen peas. No, that really freaks me out. Like defrosting food in a freezer, that all has to go if I think it's being compromised anyway. You know. How do you feel about best before dates? I take a more holistic view of those but I dare on the side of caution because usually it was best, but it was better before. Yeah, yeah. But you're not going to not eat broccoli that looks fine. Oh no.

[00:18:53] There's Onya's nostalgia again. It was better before, wasn't it? It was better before. Make food great again. But I'm not a food wastey person because I'd be diligently freezing stuff, you know what I mean, along the way, you know? I ate a slice of frozen birthday cake before we recorded tonight. Because it was all I could find. Did you thaw it? No, never. Michael, that's so dangerous, my God. No, it's not. No, no, no. Hold on. Hold on. You can eat frozen birthday cake. I don't think you can. What do you think is wrong though?

[00:19:23] Thawing isn't going to solve anything on you. If anything, thawing actually can reinvigorate germs.

[00:19:54] Thawing makes it more dangerous. Yeah. Yeah. It was. It was like an adult birthday cake. An adult. Not an adult, it's an adult. An adult birthday cake. It was a porn cake. Yeah. It was like Victoria's Secret Sponge. Without pawing. Without defrosting. Okay, no, apparently it's okay. Oh, good. Of course it's okay. Foodandwine.com says the great thing about eating a frozen cake, which by the way, you

[00:20:23] eat while it's still frozen, is that it lends itself to incremental pleasure anywhere from days to months. I'm certainly experiencing some incremental pleasure right now. That was your nickname in college, I think. Okay, look, I stand corrected. I stand corrected, but I think people will agree with me on the cooked foods being left out. Well guys, look, we've talked about a lot of things so far. None of which still relate to the topic of tonight's show because we have a slightly different episode tonight.

[00:20:53] This week, we're exploring the animal kingdom. It's not a normal episode. It's going to be a draft competition in two steps. Okay? In the first step, we're each going to be drafting animals across five different categories into our own personal menagerie. Once we've picked our animals then, we're basically going to be playing top trumps with them across a set of parameters determined by me, but as yet unknown to our drafters.

[00:21:20] Now, I have a fair but ultimately very complicated scoring system to work out who wins, which we'll discuss later. But basically, you guys are competing to draft your top picks in a competition which is going to reward, I would say, versatile animals like the lion, for example, and not reward one-trick ponies like, famously, the pony. Do we want to get into it? I laughed like a donkey there. That was great. Let's get into it.

[00:21:49] I have a lot of questions, but I'm sure they will unfurl themselves as we go on. Okay, let's get into it, guys. Oh my god, I have one question. I won't go, are you playing? No, I'm not playing. I'm the draft master. It's more fun when you play. Oh, I'll have my fun on you. Don't worry. Okay. I'm the draft master. So, we'll, I think we'll- Tell me you're an only child without telling me you're an only child. Are you always the banker in Monopoly? Yeah, I am, yeah. Yeah. I always spin the thing in Twister as well. A lucky thing. Yeah.

[00:22:19] Is that where the adult birthday cake came from? Your Twister party. Michael's erotic parties. Were you hosting an answer this night? I'd say you would always be open for bringing out Twister at a party, Michael, wouldn't you? I love Twister. Like it could be a little cheese and wine night and you'd be like, well, we get out the Twister. I played Twister last weekend, actually. With adults, did you? Did you? With my wife and children, yes. So, I guess so, yeah. That is adorable. Yeah. And guess who didn't let anyone else win? Yeah. Me. Me. Yeah.

[00:22:49] Did you number all the, all the individual dots on the Twister thing for your children? So, Hugh, I don't know if you know this about Michael. He has jigsaw puzzles for his kids and they're really cute and his little kid was like, let's play jigsaws. So, he showed me the jigsaws and it was really fun. We're going to do them together. He poured the jigsaw pieces out and there's four jigsaws in this pack. They're probably like, what, 10, 15 piece jigsaw-y? Mm-hmm. Like, small jigsaws. Mm-hmm.

[00:23:16] And Michael has gone through, turned all those pieces upside down, put them in their right, like, individual fours, numbered all of the ones of the first jigsaw, one. Mm-hmm. All of them have one on the back. Yeah. And all of the second one have two, the third have three, the fourth has four. So, his kid doesn't spend any time, doesn't waste any time in Michael's words, having to find which corresponds to which. He's sharpied one and two on the kids' heads as well. Yeah. I did notice that. Yeah, yeah. I thought that was a tattoo. Michael, he's little to be at, obviously.

[00:23:46] Well, no, no, the point is that probably for about two months, because they do love doing jigsaws, the first 45 minutes of every jigsaw session was just me sorting through the pieces. So, this has made it easier for everyone. They can learn. That's a learning experience, Michael. I hate to be the teacher on this, but that's good for them. I have to sort this. As opposed to, I'm going to assemble the jigsaw as my father has directed. You see, Hugh, I've evolved this, right?

[00:24:12] Because they did learn, they sorted them themselves, and then together we worked out quite an efficient system whereby they wouldn't have to do that again. So, I've sort of got them... Together we worked out a system. Yeah. So, what role did the two-year-old play in that? Just in time, jigsaw manufacturing. It's very efficient. It's how the Japanese would do it. I hope your children will find happiness. They'll certainly find the right jigsaw pieces anyway. Hmm.

[00:24:43] So, guys... Imagine when they go to a jigsaw party, like we all did when we were kids. You're invited round to a jigsaw party, everyone brings a favourite jigsaw, you get to jig it up, and the kids are like, where are the numbers? I can't find the numbers on the back. How am I supposed to know which one to start with? And they're 21. How are you going to feel then? Yeah, it's true. It's true. You're going to be able to go to jigsaw school. I've marked them for life. Yeah, yeah. No summers in jigsaw camp. Exactly.

[00:25:14] Summer puzzling had me a blast. I wasn't going to do any more. I think dad made it go fast. We made out under the dock. I still live at home under a rock. 21 living at home. The TV's still broken.

[00:25:45] Where's that piece? Where's that piece? Where's that piece? It's got a number one. Where's that piece? Where that piece? No, this way is more fun. Beautiful stuff. And you're all in little matching outfits and you can get a tandem, both for three. Three adult men. Guys, let's get into the draft. Okay. Great. So this is going to be, as we've done previously, snake format.

[00:26:14] So we're going to go ladies first. What? Even if you pick a snake? Yeah. Unless you pick a snake. So, Aune will draft first in the first round. Then will then Hugh. Then we'll go Hugh, Will Aune, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Five categories. When someone else picks an animal, it's off the table. Let's get into it. The first category is barnyard animals. I haven't bothered to define this any further. I think we know what is and isn't a barnyard animal. But can I just ask, what is the purpose of our personal menageries?

[00:26:44] So your, I guess, your deck of animals that you select is going to be subjected to a battery of tests after this. And you're going to have to pick one animal for each round and try and score it as well as you can against a particular set of criteria. Like in the 2004 sense of the word score. No, no, very much not in the UK. Do people say that in the UK, Will? In the South Dublin. No. What do you guys say? Snogging. Snogging down disco. Exactly.

[00:27:13] Is that what people say? Smooching. Snogging. Shagging. No, that's not the same thing. No, it's really not. What scoring is, just making out, I think, became a thing because of American stuff. But yeah, snogging, getting with. Getting with. Getting with. Getting with would be the equivalent. It's so ambiguous as well. Yeah. As if scoring isn't. Yeah, but I think that's only in American films that they'd be like, I hate you scoring that.

[00:27:42] But I think that means drugs. Well, I think it means either sex or drugs. Yeah. Whereas here it meant a, a, a gentle. Embrace. A gentle necking. A gentle embrace. Did you say necking? No, no, I'm not Victorian. We, yeah, no, get our, you got off with so and so. I heard, I heard Hugh got off with Michael at Old Leo's. The jigsaw party. Who's Old Leo's?

[00:28:10] Old Leo's was our like rugby club where they allowed underage people to have parties. Was it presided over by Leonardo DiCaprio? Was that, yeah. Yeah. He was, he was, I don't know. He was trying to find a girlfriend, I guess. I don't know. Doesn't feel. Old Leo's. That's, I love that. That's brilliant. Well, yeah, cause Leeds, Old Leo Densian is like, um, Leo's, Leeds used to be called Leodis or something. Okay.

[00:28:39] And so you'd be called an Old Leo or an Old Leo Densian or something to do with something in Leeds. That's ridiculous. And did you ever dance that dance at Old, at Old Leo's? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I, I, I, uh, got off with someone at Old Leo's once, yeah. You got, you got off with somebody what? I got off with someone at Old Leo's. Feels very weird saying this. I don't like it. And was that just the ones?

[00:29:08] Yeah, I think so. Oh God. I only went like, I think there was only four times that I went. You only, you only. 25% ain't bad. It's pretty good hit rate. Well. Hit rate. No, not an assassin. I'd say you two weren't at a disco now, were you? I sure wouldn't even know one to look at one. No. No. Not for me. Not for me. Thank you very much. You'd have been the bell of the ball at Old Leo's, I'd say. I'm sure it would.

[00:29:38] I once went to a party as a glow stick. Of course you did. I just covered myself in glowing paint and like bought a load of glow sticks and tied them all to my clothes. And then I got accidentally really drunk because I was working in a bar at the time. I was at 17 and we went to like the bar as well. And I drank more. And then I got home and I was like, oh, I'm going to be, I'm drunk. I don't want my parents to hear me. And I'm wearing all these glow sticks that are fucking clattering all over the shop. So I was like, I've got a great idea. I'll get changed. Because your dad numbered them all for you. My dad numbered them all, yeah.

[00:30:08] Numbered my shoes and everything. But so I was on the doorstep. I was like, it's great. I'll take all these clothes off. And then I'll just go upstairs just in my boxes. I was like, absolutely nailed it. Went in, went to bed. All amazing. Woke up in the morning. And my mum was like, so yeah, a bit drunk last night, were you? I was like, what were you talking about? And she was like, well, you left your entire outfit on the front door. So I was like, oh man. I like to think what that was like to one of your neighbors. You're just a glowing pile. Be like someone had apparated or something.

[00:30:38] Or like you'd sloughed off your skin. Yeah. Much like the snake again. And so crucially, I suppose, Anya, we just don't, we don't know the characteristics that our animals need to win in the later games. Okay. That is the difficulty. Yeah. That's part of the fun. That's the dance we dance. Yeah. So. Barnyard animals. And Anya, you're a first. What are you picking? I'm going for the hardy goat. Oh. A goat. A goat. Okay. Okay. Not one of the sort of vanilla straight down the middle. No.

[00:31:08] Not one of the vanilla strawberry chocolate of the barnyard. Sorry, I'm just checking. Kendrick. Or do you mean Tom Brady? No, she means Tom Brady. Yeah. Yeah. I'm on Tom Brady. Jordan. I'm going for the goat. I think the goat may hold up better to Michael's challenges. I mean, that's, she's thought it's true. They are tough. They're tough. They can stand on the side of mountains. They can stand on the side of mountains. You can milk them. And we will. You can, they, they, they can fight cause they have the horns. Knobly little horns.

[00:31:38] Yeah. They're very adaptable. Hornily little knobs. They're absolutely adorable. So. That's what I'm going for. Do you think they're adorable? Yeah. Have you, have you been face to face with many goats? Yeah. Oh, I love goats. Many goats. Many, many times. I love goats. Face to face with three of them. Like a billy or a nanny. Oh, a nanny goat. Yeah. Okay. Billies are a nanny goat. Okay. No, but I didn't say nanny goat. I didn't specify the gender. I was not asked to specify gender. That's okay. I picked goat. You didn't.

[00:32:06] You can milk them and you can only milk the nannies. Yeah. Do you want your goat to be non binary? Non binary. Okay. The goat's off the table, Will. So what are you picking? Well, in the words of Lord David Cameron, I quite fancy a pig. Please. A pig. A pig. Yeah. Can't believe it. Amazing. I've got to go another way now. Nature's deli counter. More intelligent dogs. The mother pigs sing to their babies. They have a good sense of direction. They're very, very intelligent.

[00:32:36] And just like Prince Andrew, they can't sweat. They wallow in mud. And. They're amazing. Amazing animals. If you need to get rid of a body, they can chew it up for you. Yeah. Just like Prince Andrew. Yeah. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Oh, I'm actually devastated. I thought the pig would make it to me because the pig is the, to be honest, it's the only animal I wanted from the whole, the whole draft. The pig was a close second for me. Will, I'm prepared to make you an offer. Interesting.

[00:33:05] This is the magic of the draft, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. So, so I mean, this is coming from someone who's watched a lot of NFL drafts over the years and I'm pretty sure none of the other three of you has done that. No. I actually have weirdly watched the league. I don't know if you've seen it starring your friend and mine, Nick Kroll. Uh huh. Which is a comedy all about football drafting. Oh. There you go.

[00:33:28] Perhaps, perhaps there's more to the picture that meets the eye. Took me a while to find that there. What were you twiddling in your mouth? My, my mustache. Oh, sorry. My mustache. Zoom did that thing where it, it recognized your voice as not human sound and cut bits of it out, which is amazing. Okay. So what, what happened to you? Because I love pigs. He's not for drafting.

[00:33:54] So I suppose the difficulty is, well, I probably should have tried to make this trade earlier knowing that the pig was available and was going to go as, as pick number two because the pig is a pretty hot prospect out of college. A hot ticket. Yeah. Yeah. We, we spotted them in college. Yeah. And, but what I'm. I'm just repeating what you say cause I can't improvise. But what I'm going to say is, so I believe I have the, the top pick in the second round and you have the second pick. So if you will let the pig come to me. The pig is a free agent.

[00:34:24] If you will, if you will, if you will allow me to, to extract the oink from this particular deal, I will, I will swap picks with you in the second round and you can get first pick of all the animals in that second round. It's very confusing that pick sounds so like pig. Yeah, it is. It's a long thing for a pig. I guess the thing is, I don't, I don't really, the pig was the only one I cared about as well. So I don't, I don't really know what else I'd give up. You don't have to make the trade.

[00:34:53] You don't have to make the trade. I don't have to make the trade. It's just kind of a cowardly move not to. In fact, it's kind of a, That's another animal you could pick. There you go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How about in the final round, the negative draft that I get to choose the one you give me? Oh. No, absolutely not. I'm not giving up my negative pick. No. Oh, well, you can go snuffle in the grass. All right. You can go put your stupid nose straight in the ground.

[00:35:23] And because it's pierced, it's got that nose in it, that big nose ring, it's going to hurt. So you'll stop doing it. That's why pigs have nose rings. Sounds like, sounds like Will is not swapping any pork today. Pork off you. Interesting. Okay. Yeah. Go pork yourself. Happy to take that pig. Okay. So I've got to now pick another barnyard animal. You don't deserve pigs because you eat bacon. I was going to say, Will, you're the only true... I mean, I really eat very little bacon. Oh dear. You're like Michael with, I'd like to be a vegetarian.

[00:35:53] Well then why don't you be a vegetarian. I don't want to be a vegetarian. I just don't really like bacon. And I eat sausages a lot, but there's not much pork in them. Let's be honest. Oh yeah. But there's more pork than in my Jenny meatless sausages. Yeah. I've said for years I want a pet pig called Agatha. I'm going to build a stye in the garden and we're going to read together. All right? So... That's nice. On top of her stye it could say Agatha pig stye, but you'd read it as Agatha pigsty. Yeah. That'd be nice. Okay, so I... But shut up!

[00:36:21] Are you going to kill her and eat her for her trotters? No, not Agatha. Oh. Agatha. I think it's nearly worse. Would you just dust her piglets? Would it be? Uh... I'll know. Piglets does sound delicious, doesn't it? No, it sounds like a... That makes me sick when I say it on menus, so it makes me absolutely sick. I don't think you should assume that Agatha's only purpose is to provide piglets in the world. I was once in a restaurant, now this is too sad, but there was a bar at a piglets and I think you could pick your own. Oh no. I might be making that up from a childhood memory. That doesn't seem... A pig tank. A little swimming in a tank.

[00:36:51] Did they have pincers? Mm-hmm. Okay, so I've got to pick another animal. Yeah. I didn't have a backup plan for this. So... Always come to the draft with a backup plan. Poor Cultimatum. Okay. Oh no, that's such a stupid animal. The question is, do I go for a stupid animal or for a big solid animal like myself? I don't... I don't... So Michael or yourself? Yeah.

[00:37:24] That was a beautiful laugh you did there, Michael. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. That was lovely. Do you want to go through what we think we have in the barnyard? Well, I was going to say, so my stupid animal pick, right, the solid pick at this point is a cow. It's a cow. Yeah. It's a cow as solid as you like. They're giving you milk again. They're also... I don't know, have you ever looked up how much a cow weighs? They're huge. They are so dense, you know? Yeah. And... I don't see weight. They're... Cow pats are magnificent. I love seeing a big cow pat, you know?

[00:37:54] Do you? So just think how many of them I'd have. Oh, like they're poos you could fall into, you know? My other option though... I think we should start calling our poos pats. Pats. I think that's it. A will pat. A will pat, yeah. I just... That is what we used to say instead of getting off or scoring. We said pat. Did you? No. No, we didn't say I patted yourself. Some heavy patting.

[00:38:20] The other option which I think would be wild, but I just feel who knows... No. Not really even a farmyard animal. A peacock. That's not a farmyard animal. In the right farmyard, Awnya. Yeah, but like in the right farmyard you have chinchillas and porpoises. Like that's... Absolutely no way. So I would... For farmyard I would accept dog, cat, chicken, goose, rat... Alpaca. Donkey. Alpaca. The donkey. Horse, pony, chicken as I say.

[00:38:51] Say it again would you? I'm not clear on whether chicken's in it. Hugh, you could take spider. The spider from Charlotte's West. Spider I will allow. Oh no, I'm taking a cow. I'm taking a big old cow. Cow. I think the cow is a safe bet at this point. They're no pig. It's coming at you. But they are a cow. Yeah. They're versatile, you know? Yeah. Can I say I worked with an actor once called Rosie Frecker and she said her and her family used to play a game on the motorway where you had to keep an eye out and like spot animals and you had to do it in this order.

[00:39:20] You had to get cow, sheep, cow, sheep, pig, pig, horse. So you'd have to say a cow, then a sheep, then a cow, then a sheep, and a pig, and a horse. That's delightful. Well guys, look, it's been a strong first round. We're going into the second round and because of the snake draft, Hugh has first pick. He didn't give that up. The second round is Beasts of the Sea, which is quite broadly drawn. I guess anything that lives mostly in the sea is in scope here. Hugh, first pick.

[00:39:48] And I have two here that I'm between. They're quite different. I suppose it really does depend on what Michael is going to ask us. And one of them I'm pretty sure has no guts, no brain, no anus. Much like the producer himself. My ears are burning. And that one would be the super dangerous Portuguese man of war. The other one I'm thinking, and maybe I shouldn't be showing my cards here.

[00:40:16] I feel again, I'm once again between the cow and the peacock. The Portuguese man of war is the very dangerous peacock of the sea. It's cool and it's colorful and it's all this. I'm also very tempted to pick the narwhal. Oh, very cool. Because it's basically a big old whale with like 10 feet of horn on the front. You know, again, much like Michael the producer. So I don't really know which way I'm going to go.

[00:40:41] But I guess do I want brute strength or do I want that sinister cunning and death? And I think given that I've got the solidity of the cow, I'm going to take the man of war. Man of war. I love it, Hugh. It's flashy. It's not what I would have thought of. It may be difficult to navigate it through some of the later rounds. They're very good at navigating. Will, middle of the round pick, your go. So I've tried to think like Michael here. Yeah.

[00:41:07] So I'm trying to think what is in Michael's eyes the right answer to this question. And I think the right answer to this question is giant squid. That's fantastic. That's either giant squid or killer whale in Michael's eyes. Yeah, yeah. Or a great white because of his racism. Yeah. For, I think about five to ten years of my life and the world's life, everyone was obsessed with giant squid. Yep. Yep. Now we just don't care anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:41:36] Everyone was looking for pictures, looking at that YouTube clip of that giant squid being caught. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So giant squid is the only way. Guys, you've gone all out here. Imagine that calamari, Michael. Imagine it. That'd be so delicious. The batter, unbelievable. Imagine the size of the dipping trough you'd have to use. Wow. I love that that's what you're impressed by. Yeah. Just a bigger trough, which they have actually. So much dip. I love it. Also loads of tentacles. Always good.

[00:42:05] Always handy in any situation. Got a big beak. Yeah. I think rectangular pupils. Don't squid have that as well? Maybe that's our octopod eye. Do they? Well anyway. Excellent pick. Excellent pick. Anya, you're last in the round, but I guess there's plenty more fish in the sea. So between two, the orca. Great animal. Which I love. Great animal. Also, a bit of a cliche this one, but the dolphin. Oh, good choice.

[00:42:32] And based on what I think might be asked of this menagerie later in the game, it's going to have to be the dolphin. They're sleek. They're fun. They look like they're very intelligent. I think I'd do well as a dolphin. Well, because they're opposite to you. Sorry. Couldn't resist. So the opposite would be something which is quite wind resistant. Yeah. And boring and stupid. Boring and stupid.

[00:43:03] So mean. With a high drag coefficient. With a high drag coefficient. The puppies of the sea, you know. And I think they're going to stand a better chance in what might be asked. Even though I'd like to just give a, you know, shout out to the orca. Shout out to the orca. Oh, whale. Better luck next time. You know. Again, Anya impresses me with the thought that she's brought to this. You hear that, Will? Huh? Yeah. Well, no, he's impressed because he's surprised. It's true. Yeah. Stupid. It's true. It's true.

[00:43:32] So category three of, again, five guys is predators. So this is the alpha. This is really the apex of the draft table. Arguably the sexiest category. The predator, of course. It says so much about you that you think that. It also says a lot about you that you think the only predators are the apex predators. There's predators all the way down the food chain. There's other predators as well. Yeah. But I mean, this is your chance to really show off, you know. Yeah, we could choose cats. Am I first to this? Yes, you are.

[00:44:01] So is a human an animal? You are not allowed to pick a human. The human is the ultimate apex predator. We're the most dangerous. I mean, I'm a creature. Human, but humans, like what? 99.9% of humans are not predators. I kind of feel like, again, we're assembling. How is that true? Because we get our food in the shops, Sonia. Predators kill their food. Yeah, but that still makes us predators. No, it doesn't. It makes a very few humans. But no, it doesn't. It does not. Who else has shot?

[00:44:31] If a lion could like wander into Aldi. Yeah, but we've just gotten better. To get some gazelle. We just got smarter. So you're saying we're scavengers, are we? We are scavengers. We are scavengers. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, we're the most dangerous beast on Earth. I will say that. Yeah, but that's not the same as being a predator. Oh, well, he's back with his big beefy brain. Not too much. I mean, you're absolutely not going to allow my choice in this round. So I suppose I should just let you have it. That's a... No, no, no. Okay, so...

[00:45:00] I think, again, if you think back to what we're doing, we're trying to assemble a deck of cards to play with here. I think if the human card came up, that would be treated as the joker in the pack. So I'm going to remove that from the pack. It's not available. Sorry. So what I'm going for, and I think you're all going to poo poo, but I'm going for the domestic cat. The domestic cat? Poo poo. No, I think that's good. The domestic cat. I once read a tweet that was like, if you went into a zoo and you've never seen a cat before, and they were like, there are these perfect replica tigers. They're all in different colors. They're slightly different shapes.

[00:45:30] They are... I think it was when Michelangelo said a feline is like the perfect example of engineering. They are incredible. If they were bigger, they would be terrifying. So I'm going to take my chances. This might do quite well in one of your rounds later. I'm going for the domestic cat. I've won sitting here. Crucially, you don't want to take a bigger one though. I think there's something about the depth of you. I didn't mean it. I'm sorry.

[00:45:59] I didn't mean it. Yes, I could go for a larger animal, but I think there's something that the the small... Anything I say here is just terrible. There's something about the smallest of it that I think is going to do very well. And... I would agree. I've got that tattooed in a particular place. So I'm going for the domestic cat, please, Michael. Okay. Will? Predators? Yeah. Michael Jackson?

[00:46:31] I think he does still count as a human. You know? Yeah, yeah. Fair enough. Fair enough. Okay, so we can't have humans. Can we have fictional... Fictional animals? They've got to be real animals. Real animals. I was going to go for a dragon. No, obviously you can't have that. The Komodo dragon is right there. Yeah. It's either... It doesn't breathe fire. It's between Komodo dragons and crocs. I think I'll go for the Komodo dragon because of the horrifying way that they kill their prey.

[00:47:00] Yeah, they basically poison them with their horrible teeth, isn't that it? Yeah, and then they hang around them for ages and wait for them to die. It's a bit like being on this podcast with you, Will. Hey? Hey? Yeah. Yeah, I'll take the Komodo dragon, mainly because it's got a dragon in the name. Could you have a dinosaur out of interest, Michael? No, it has to be sort of living today. I mean, I didn't state any of these rules up front, but I am making them up as they go along. I think that's fair. Yeah, okay. You did the game. Yeah.

[00:47:29] Look, I didn't make up the rules, but I will apply them in a highly arbitrary fashion. Hugh, final pick of the predator round. Still plenty out there. You got tigers, you got eagles, you got sharks, you got... Tigers. Other predators. Yeah. Yeah, I'm just gonna play this one straight down the middle. A tapeworm, please, Michael. Are they predators? They're parasites, no?

[00:47:58] They're still eating me from the inside, sort of. Yeah, but if I don't get human because they go to the supermarket, how can you get something that's just... Tapeworm doesn't go to the supermarket, on you. It crawls up your guts. It does if it's inside a human. Yeah, but you're going to the supermarket. Guess who's in your tum-tum, mate. Yeah. It turns out, actually, the tapeworm does go to my local supermarket. Yeah, with me. I don't think you can allow that, Michael. That's not a predator. Anya. A tapeworm. I mean, Anya. Let's look...

[00:48:27] For the gas of it, Anya. You're not going to let me have a tapeworm? I'd rather you had, actually, a cheetah. I'm taking tapeworm, Michael. No, well, let's look up with... Yeah. Let's see what the definition of a predator is. Let's see what the definition of a predator is. She really does it out. We'll need to see what genus of the tapeworm belongs to. No, it doesn't. An organism that primarily obtains food by the killing and consuming of other organisms. There's no killing in gun involved there.

[00:48:57] Unless, unless, if you swallow a live animal, then the tapeworm would eat it in your tum-tum. That is like going to the supermarket. Michael, I can't believe you'd let this go unchecked. You're telling me, Anya, in the... On a podcast where we are going to play top trumps with animals against each other, you're not confident putting your animals up against a tapeworm. Can I level with you? You have a personal interest in this question. I think they're too disgusting.

[00:49:26] Of course you do. But you think everything is too disgusting. No, I don't. You don't. Yeah, you do. You don't leave food out for more than 10 minutes. Is that because it won't be nice enough for your tapeworm? No, because... Do you remember when you were younger and you had like an encyclopedia and there'd be like a picture of a spider? I didn't even like touching the page where the spider was. Yeah. I don't even want to be on a podcast. I don't think everything's disgusting. You know? Name three things you don't think are disgusting.

[00:49:53] You told me to cut a bit of an episode on parenting where poo was mentioned. That's all parenting is. Because that is disgusting. You do it every day. I do not. There is no way to answer that. I think Timmy wants to try to get everyone to fess up on this podcast to how many times a day. I always want to talk about that. Michael was something appalling like 17 times or something. No, mine was like five or six. Yeah. Mine's one to two but on the low end.

[00:50:24] I vote in favour of the tapeworm. So it's not a voting thing. Well, I'm the draft master as I said at the start. And look, I think, look, we're here to have fun. But at the same time, our listeners expect from us some journalistic integrity. This is a nightmare, Hugh. The tapeworm is a parasite, not a predator. But Hugh, as you know, there are other categories coming up where the tapeworm could make a reappearance. So I'm going to have to push you. If you think that my tapeworm fits in my hand, you have another thought coming.

[00:50:53] Oh, gosh, she's making me so... Do you remember when you were in school and people used to say like, oh, if you had a tapeworm, what you do is like put hundreds and thousands on your tongue and it'll come up. It'll come up your throat. No, stop! And then when it goes on, you pull it out. That was how you got rid of one. Oh, guys, guys, I actually could get sick. I actually could, like, it's... There's a tofu stir-fry looking for a... Fry. Tofu stir-fry looking for a new home.

[00:51:20] I heard they like strong cheese, that that's what's supposed to attract them. You're supposed to sleep with strong cheese on your chin and they'll come up in the night. Which you do anyway, don't you, Michael? I do, I do. Just, yeah, it's part of my skincare regime. Yeah, I do. Hugh also just as a further case against tapeworm being predator, they are apparently brainless, spineless and gutless, which would make it hard to predate a body of things. But that wasn't in the predator category, though. No, but it is one. So that's not... You can use it for this! No, I've already got one.

[00:51:50] Do you want me to have two? You can't. The tapeworm, I don't... I just, I think it's making... Evocurate the whole thing. No, you don't. The ruling on the field. You don't care about that. You just don't want to talk about them anymore. I just... They make me... They make me feel horrible. I just even... Yeah. Blech. Look, the ruling on the field is, tapeworm is out. He's put the strong cheese in front of it, and he's pulled out. I don't want to take another key out, will I?

[00:52:21] A cockroach, please, Michael! I'll tell you the thing about cockroaches, Anya. So, apparently, if you see a cockroach in your house, the risk is that they've been down there the whole time, but now down below is full. Yeah. You don't get cockroaches in Ireland, so... You do get tapeworms, though. Oh, Lord bless us and save us, yes. Think about that. What are you going for, Hugh? Oh, Hugh, I just found a thing called the Top 10 Smelliest Animals. Oh, yeah? Okay. Oh, wow! Ornia's on here!

[00:52:54] The Bombardier Beetle is one of them. The Skunk, obviously the Skunk. Yeah, Skunk. I don't know if the Skunk is a predator. I love Skunks. All right, well, I wonder... I'm going to end up stuck under the sea, but I'm going to take a moray eel then. I actually have the willies. I just have my whole back just shivered. Are you sure it's not just a couple of tapeworms? No, my... Did you have noodles in your stir fry on you? Because one of them could have been a secret tapey. Sorry, what did you pick? The moray eel. I like that. Okay. Yeah.

[00:53:24] The tapeworm of the sea. No, it's because it's much bigger. Yeah. That's a moray! Or meat. Okay, I like that pick, Hugh. Don't know if it's going to serve you well in the later rounds, but that's where we are. There's an alternative universe where I have a peacock, an arwhal, and a tapeworm. Do you know what? That would have been a more entertaining episode, but instead we are where we are.

[00:53:49] Category four, guys, is animals that can fit in your hand. So this is where I want to draw attention to some of God's smaller and crappier creatures. Don't talk about yourself like that, Michael. I don't like the negative self-talk. Obviously this gives a little bit more choice to those of you with big hands like Hugh, and a little less choice to those of you with smaller womanly hands like Will. Such sympathetic, Michael.

[00:54:18] So happy with himself. So happy. He knew where the punchline was. It was on the last syllable of the line. It was really nice when that, Michael. Persevered. Anya, I don't know whether you've any interest in moving up in this round, Anya. No, no. And I move up in the last round now. No, thank you. I'm absolutely fine. Thank you. Whoa. I'm in trouble now, haven't I? The shutters are down. Yeah, alright. Well, do you know what? The animal I was thinking of picking...

[00:54:45] I was actually thinking of using this animal as a negative play into someone else's deck of cards, into someone else's hand. But actually I thought, do you know what? This animal, while Anya's not gonna like it, it's pretty badass. So that's why I will be taking an animal that you really shouldn't hold in your hand, the Naked Mole Rat. Ooh. Yeah. Ooh. Oh Hugh, do you want to describe it? The Naked Mole Rat looks like a penis with teeth.

[00:55:14] Very large white teeth. So a penis. And tiny little eyes. Still describing a penis. And it's much bigger though, Will. It's about like sort of four inches, I think generally long. And it's... That's massive. Never mind. It is one of nature's only truly social creatures in that I think they do live squirming all over each other. It is able to chew through... Those teeth are able to chew through bricks. They're remarkably strong. They... Back to the penis.

[00:55:43] So when I first came across one was when I was in Washington Zoo a number of years ago. There was a meet a small mammal activity. M-double-E-T or M-E-A-T? And I thought... Yeah, sorry. Back to old Leo's. Score a small mammal. She was only five foot two. This is like a speed dating thing, wasn't it? Exactly. Yeah. You gotta try what you can try, you know? Yeah. So yeah, we went and we were like, oh, this will be lovely. We'll meet like a little marmoset or something.

[00:56:11] And no, it was a naked mole rat and he was like, obviously I can't let you hold it because it will bite through your entire hand. So that's what I'm taking. Because I think it's gonna win some fights later on. Hugh, I was once at a zoo where they were like, we'd like to give you a pack of... It was in Colorado, of the mammal of the month. And the entire bag of goodies was naked mole rat themed. You know what? This sounds like every zoo is just trying to push the naked mole rat, isn't it? I know. So I got a naked mole rat t-shirt, but it wasn't like it was a black t-shirt. The whole t-shirt was the colour of the naked mole rat, like a skin. Oh, gross.

[00:56:41] Yeah, I didn't bring it home. They're not nice. Well, it's nice to shine a light on such a disgusting animal. I don't like the judgement. Will, your pick. All gauze creatures. Speaking of disgusting animals, and now please welcome to the stage, the dung beetle. Known as the scarab, but we just decided to call him a shit bug. They're known as rollers. They really got downgraded, didn't they? They really did. They rolled dung balls around which he used as a food source or for breeding chambers.

[00:57:10] And they are one of the few known invertebrate animals that navigate and orient themselves using the Milky Way. That's crazy. That's amazing. Yeah. That's amazing. They're very important for the dispersal of seeds present in animals dung. And they take all the dung and all the nutrients all around for the soil. And in some parts of South Africa, they have signs on the road that is like a dung beetles get right of way. So you have to stop if a dung beetle's rolling. It's good to see they get some respect. Dung beetle, that's what I'm bringing.

[00:57:40] Incredibly strong. And also, if there's an animal that's rolling about a big ball of poo, I'm on board. You know? You're there. You're there. Ornia, your pick. I'll be borrowing from the sky for this one, Michael. I would like the hummingbird, please. Nice. Very nice. And the reason I'm picking the hummingbird is that, A, they're absolutely beautiful creatures. They are like a mall rat. Lovely plumage. But they're also very good at maneuvering in flight. So they're kind of like a little fighter pilot.

[00:58:08] They've got really amazing metabolic capacity. So I think basically, when they're not able to find food, they kind of go into this hibernation state. They're very adaptable to high altitudes. They're very good visually and very good communicators. And they can fly very, very long distances. And they also do that fun, make that fun humming sound with their wings. Yeah. I don't think I've ever seen one in the wild.

[00:58:31] But I, again, I think this winged creature, I think is likely to hold up better in whatever battle Michael has for us than say the dung beetle or the naked mall rat. Guys, final round. Now this is a little bit different. This is a negative draft round, something we've used before, which is where you are picking an animal that someone else has to be lumbered with or saddled with. So Anya gets to go first again. And you can only assign one animal to one person.

[00:59:00] So it's a negative draft. Anya, who are you giving what? I've gotten a lot of criticism tonight from the other two. Yeah. I think I'm going to send a mosquito to Will. Oh, wow. Okay. Oh, great. Male or female? Well, we weren't allowed to select earlier if they were male or female. Oh, yeah. Fair enough. The female ones are the ones that bite. Well, then whichever one that bites Will. You want me to get malaria is what you're saying? No, not malaria.

[00:59:28] I just want you to have like a very awkward night. Just dengue fever or something. I'm pretty used to awkward nights. I've been to old Leo's. Yeah, great. I'll take the mosquito. Thank you for the mozzie. You're welcome. Yeah. I mean, the mosquito is now on my side, right? Not really. Not in this. No, he's annoying. You're dealing with this mosquito now. Oh, so there's a mosquito in the room. I'm like, oh. Yeah. Oh, no. Okay. Nice pick. Is there a more annoying animal? I don't know. I don't know. He's here tonight.

[00:59:58] Will, your pick. So I reject your negative draft. I think it's stupid because you haven't left me a space to put this animal in the mix. And I want the animal in the mix. And even if that means that I lose, I don't mind. Okay. So if you'll allow it, I'm going to pick an animal that I actually like and give it to Hugh. Also because Hugh didn't get his tapeworm. No, Hugh's got his tapeworm. Sorry. Sorry, in this. Sorry, sorry. In the draft. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how you maintain that incredible figure.

[01:00:27] Why do you always side with him? You know? Because I like him the most. So I'm... Fair. It's fair. Do you remember you literally said, I hate Anya on an episode? That was... Yeah. Yeah, I stand by it. So what are you giving Hugh? A big teddy bear? Yeah. I'm going to give Hugh an elephant. Because elephants are absolutely amazing. Michael, are you going to allow this? He's admitted that he's not playing by the negative draft. Well, look, this is the... Well, listen to the description of the elephant. They don't get cancer.

[01:00:58] They can't get cancer. That's unbelievable. They mourn each other. And the males smell like goat's cheese when they get horny. So I'd like to give them to Hugh. So that attracts the tapeworm. There you go. The tapeworm would get right in there. So if I'm allowed to do that, I'd love to give Hugh an elephant. Okay, okay. I mean, yeah, be that as it may, you know? I'll accept. Okay. I mean, my two favourite animals are elephants and pigs. And I couldn't get the pig. So I'm very happy to receive the elephant. You're welcome. That's a little conciliatory elephant for you.

[01:01:28] Oh, oh. Big swinging trunk coming over your way. Hugh, this means Hugh, you get to pick for all of you. Yeah, and... No, I thought you could pick for anybody. So somebody could be double done. Nope. Nope. Somebody could be double done. The podcast lawyer in you, like the words are not out of his mouth. Well, no, I think you actually thought that you could pick for anybody. So on their part, he actually was very clear on you and said that only one person may receive an animal. Yeah. Did you want me to get another mosquito?

[01:01:56] Or you wanted me to get a tapeworm? Will has been very generous, obviously. And I did think about giving the naked mole rat to someone. And... Was that it, Wes? Was it? And I suppose I was worried that what was going to happen in this was that, as happened in the actors draft, Will and I both tried to give each other Kevin Spacey, I think, for the negative draft.

[01:02:24] But luckily this time, Will didn't pick my pick. So I'm going to give on you Kevin Spacey. Michael? Michael? Michael? Kevin Spacey. I was not allowed to use humans. You know what? You know what? Look, we set the rules early in the show, but it is quite funny, so I'm going to allow it. So unjust. So unjust. Michael!

[01:02:53] So guys, that's the end of the draft portion of this. I'm just going to give a quick recap of who's got what here, okay? So Anya has the versatile goat, the sleek dolphin, the perfectly engineered cat, the well-plumed hummingbird, and the troubled Kevin Spacey. It is funny. It is funny. To me, he's made a good choice there. Okay, alright, alright. The guy knows what he's doing.

[01:03:20] Will's got the delicious pig, the ever-dippable giant squid, the horrifying Komodo dragon, the industrious dung beetle, and the annoying mosquito. And Hugh... I hope the next time you're eating bacon, a Komodo dragon bites you. Don't call my pigs delicious. Yeah, that would be... That would be fair. That would be fair.

[01:03:37] Hugh then, he missed out on the pig in the tapeworm, but he does have in his menagerie, the robust cow, the flashy Portuguese man-of-war, the disgusting moray eel, the phallic naked mole rat, and according to Will, the mournful and horny elephant. So, it's quite the pack here, guys. So, guys, the second part of the episode, we're each going to take our team of animals, and we are...

[01:04:06] I'm going to subject you to a battery of challenges, and basically, you get to pick one of your animals to compete in this, and then I'm going to score you guys. I'm just going to... I'm going to... Oh, Leo. I'm going to rank you guys from best to worst, and whoever does best overall wins, okay? So, you can only use each of your animals once, okay? And as you know, I haven't told you what these categories are, so there's an element of sort of gaming this out.

[01:04:35] Okay, so, round one. So, the test here is marketability. So, this is where you have to pick one of your animals to be something like a brand ambassador or a team mascot. So, this needs to be something that's going to display personality and ideally have an element of prestige to it. So, go whatever you want. Just throw it out there. Who's picking what? I mean, elephant. Strong, stable, powerful, serene, cheesy. Elephant, elephant.

[01:05:05] Is the elephant... Do any brands already... Is there... There must be something out there. Sorry, that can't be part of the game, right? Well, Michael... No, if you got Kevin Spacey in, then you've got to accept Michael's... Just making... No, no, it's fine. You can pick it. I'm just wondering, is there anything else out there? Yeah, the Republican Party, Michael. True. Okay, okay. Yeah, obviously you're a big... Yeah, yeah, big GOP head. Okay, great. I'd like to go for the Hummingbird. Sleek, rare. The Hummingbird. I think has kind of a glamorous, prestigious element.

[01:05:35] I'm going to want to know what you're selling here. What are you selling? Or what role is this? So, like, it could be like Hummingbird wine, you know? Hummingbird winery. That's nice. That's nice. Do you like blend them up? Is it? I just... Oh, God! A little Hummingbird, a little gold Hummingbird on the label. Just a single... Yeah. A single Hummingbird. Just by itself. Yeah. Beautiful. Yeah. Yeah. And Hugh, what do you think your elephant is promoting? Anything and everything, Michael.

[01:06:05] I think the elephant can do anything. I'm not going to limit myself to one brand. That's probably true. The elephant is a really good pick there. You could make showers, like shower heads that are in the shape of an elephant's trunk. Yeah. And it's brilliant. And then, like, the advert would be like, wow, this shower is so powerful, it feels like I'm standing under it. And then it's like... How about... And you could... The slogan could be, a shower you'll never forget. There you go. That is perfect. There's no pun though. Elephants never forget. Oh! Oh! Oh!

[01:06:35] Oh! Oh! Oh, right. Fair enough. Fair enough. You got one over me. Okay. Well played. Well played. Well played. Yeah. So, Will, which of yours are you picking? I'm going to pick the Komodo dragon, Michael. Because I think the... Okay. So, the Tory party's logo for a long time has been a tree. And I think they're in need of a rebrand. And a big, strong animal that throws its weight around, bites something, and waits around

[01:07:02] as the poison slowly gets into the system and kills it. I think that's a perfect analogy for what the current government are doing. So, the Komodo dragon is the conservative party's new logo. Will, I mean, I'm loving it. That's fantastic. Okay. Look, Will, I'm going to give you the scores right off the bat. Will's has gone straight to the top there, okay? Yes! That's phenomenal. Phenomenal take down a promotion of the Komodo dragon. A take down of the conservative party. I love it. So, Will gets two points, okay?

[01:07:32] Anya, I think the hummingbird choice, incredibly stylish. So, you're coming in second with one point. And Will the Elephant... My name's Hugh, Michael. Like, just get my name right at least. Yeah. But I did a lot of the work. Yeah. He didn't bring any imagination to us. Yeah, but I came up with the whole pitch. Apart from the Elephant Never Forgets Things. And you gave him the elephant. Yeah, so it was me in a way, Hugh. Yeah, it was him. So, okay. So those animals are off the cards now, right? Okay. You're not reusing them, okay? We're clear? Uh-huh. Yeah, okay. We're clear.

[01:08:02] Alright. So, the next category, right? This is an animal that you pick because you have to have it as your housemate for an extended period of time. You need to live with this animal in a relatively small space. Again, like, why was I not allowed the tapeworm? Yeah. So I think this is going to favour animals with ease of maintenance, probably not bringing a lot of odour into your home. And I think personal safety is a consideration. Stop putting your own values on us, Michael.

[01:08:32] Okay, okay. Well, what are we thinking? Well, I'd like to jump in here. I think it has to be the domestic cat for me. That's so boring. Now, will I regret deploying this now and then later? Yeah, but I'm out to win here, Hugh. And then will there be a task later that the domestic cat could have done well for? But my other options are the dolphin. Where am I going to keep that? And the... What else do I have? Kevin Spacey. I don't really... That's a tough pick.

[01:09:00] So, you know, I think it actually just... I think the cat both makes sense and is the only sane choice for me here, Michael. Please, please and thank you. Okay, okay, okay. I like it. The cat, they're excellent housemates. They're very clean. They're very tidy. It's straight down the middle. I like it. I like it. I'm playing it straight. Yep. Guys, what are you going for? What are you living with? I'm going for a pig. Pigs are incredibly intelligent. Intelligent. More intelligent than most dogs. So very easy to train. You could be house trained. They could live with you. They eat most things. They're very affectionate.

[01:09:30] They're just nice. Very clean. Yeah, nice clean little animal to live with. And they don't sweat, so they won't make anything sway. Yeah, that'll make one of you. Okay. And Hugh, what are you living with? So Portuguese man-of-war, obviously. I don't know if it's ever been mentioned before. I actually live in the sunlight zone of the Pacific Ocean, so therefore it suits quite well. Most of my rooms are at least 50 meters long, so they can accommodate sort of very long tentacles. Yeah.

[01:09:56] I think we work out well together because I think the bladder is the main element of the man-of-war, and I'm similar. So the only risk is that we need the toilet at the same time. But yeah, man-of-war, no question. I like that. Do you think there'd be a lot of the Portuguese man-of-war with a little wash bag outside your toilet waiting? That's the nightmare, obviously. Yeah, that's passing in the halls. Yeah. He's late for work, he needs to get into the shower. He needs to leave the tentacles in the plug hole, you know? Yeah. The risk is actually that you're too similar, really, in a way, you know? Yeah, yeah. I like it.

[01:10:26] This is a tough one. This is a tough one. You know what? I'm gonna go... Hugh's getting into that. I like to see the buddy comedy of Hugh and the Portuguese man-of-war. It's tough. I feel like no one really deserves the zero here, but I am gonna give it to Anya. She played it too safe, and that's what you get, Anya. So, sorry about that. Like, that is the order in which you would watch those shows? Yes, yes. The guy who lives with the man-of-war, the guy who lives... Oh, have you seen that show? It's on Amazon Prime about a woman who has a cat. You know? No.

[01:10:55] That's so many shows that I love and enjoy. Name three of them. Gilmore Girls, Sex and the City. That's her daughter. Sorry, are you telling me that if an alien lands on Earth and was like, what is Sex and the City? You'd be like, it's a show about a woman with a cat. Well, there's actually no cat in... Oh, there is a cat. The cat is actually the fifth character in the show. Oh! That alien would sit down to watch it with their family, and then some things would get very awkward, you know?

[01:11:23] But they wouldn't understand anything that was happening. Why do you think aliens aren't Sex and the City? Our frame of reference would be so far removed. No, because they wouldn't see anything that we... They wouldn't have any context for anything that we do. Yeah, but if the only context they had was, this show is about a woman and a cat, they would be a little bit more confused. Yeah, that's true. All right. Category three, guys. In this category, I want you to... You will score best if you pick an animal which can plausibly impersonate a human.

[01:11:53] So, the ideal candidate here will be roughly the size of a human, should have an above average level of intelligence, and obviously bipeds will have a significant advantage. Just to sort of, as a scenario here, what does plausibly impersonating a human mean? In my head, this is they're checking in at a hotel, and they get away with it, okay? They're booked in under your name, and they get into the room, okay? So, get involved, guys.

[01:12:20] So, it's which of them you can get into a big coat, really, isn't it? You know? Yeah. I guess the argument here is, can we argue that Kevin Spacey is less of a person than a giant squid? Yeah, if it looks like humanity, you know? Yeah. Are we only allowed... This might be a silly question. Are we only allowed one of the animal? Yeah, obviously. Like, could I have 16 naked marats standing on top of each other? Or could I have a million mosquitoes in a human shape? Yeah.

[01:12:50] Okay, I think I'm gonna go for a giant squid, Michael. If we wrap our tentacles down, like, into two columns, and keep two tentacles up, I think we can get ourselves into a suit. We're gonna wear handsome shades over our rectangle eyes. Yeah. And we're gonna try and stay as dry as possible. And we're just gonna walk in confidently. I think we're probably gonna book, like, the premiere in, where you can do it all on the QR code and not speak to a person. That's gonna be our tactic.

[01:13:18] And then, basically, spend the whole weekend in the bath, if we're honest. Yeah. I mean, look, you're right. I think, in this scenario, confidence is key. Yeah. And what's more confident than a giant squid? Yeah. And also not dehydrating. Also key. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I imagine we're arriving in a, like, a big wet tank on the back of a truck, jumping out, getting into the suit. It's wet-look leather. The suit is wet-look leather suit. Mmm, I like it. I like it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, hello there. I'm here to check into my room.

[01:13:48] Have you got your QR code, sir? Oh, yes, of course I do. It's here on my telephonic communication device. Can you just hand it to me there, sir? Actually, sorry. It seems to have slipped. Yes, please take it. I think you'll need to pull harder on the suction cup. The hand. The hand of mine that I'm having to go here. Sorry, I really... Sorry, sorry, I just can't... Sorry? There it is. Oh, God. It's very wet, sir. Well, yes, it's a rainy day outside here in San Francisco.

[01:14:17] And now are you here for business or pleasure, sir? Oh, a little bit of both, if I'm honest, actually. Is this what it sounded like when Onya and Michael were eating on the takeaways episode? Yeah, exactly like that. Do you have any... Would you like for a bath or a shower in your room? Do you have, by any chance, an ocean view room? No, sir. This is the Premier Inn. We have... We don't have any... I could do you a view of the car park or a view of the back of the building.

[01:14:48] Now, I'm sure you get asked this all the time, but which is wetter? Which one is wetter? Would you like to... We could get the concierge to bring you on a tour and you could select your own room. I'm actually drying out quite considerably, so I'd like to be shown to the nearest room, please. Well, we don't show you to the room here. It's just... There's your key card. Will you be able to take... Oh, can I just see your... Thank you so much. I'm on my way. Perfect.

[01:15:17] It worked. The squid got in. Well done. Well done, Mr. Squid. And then he looks at the camera and goes, hmm, squid's in. I think I'm going to go with the goat, Michael, because I think a goat could conceivably in a coat and a hat and a scarf look like an old man. That's fair, yeah, with the beard. Can I accompany the goat? No, no, no, no. It's a good question. They've got to get in on their own now. Only if you present it as its romantic partner. Oh, yeah, yeah.

[01:15:46] Yeah, so I'm okay with that, yeah. Okay. Only if you dress up as a goat. So yeah, we're on the way to a fancy dress party. This is my husband. He's just... He's not feeling great. Do you mind if he just sits down? The goat sits on the... Sits kind of at the reception desk at a sofa and he just kind of parrots up who he wants. And then when the receptionist turns around, we dart off to our room. But he's got a very furry little face. And his giblet eyes. And...

[01:16:16] Because he's a goat. Yeah, okay. But he has a mustache. It's just an elderly man. That goat's getting in, Michael. Yeah, they do look a bit like elderly men, especially with the chin and fluff. It's much less wet than a squid. Yeah. It's gonna attract a lot less attention. Tell you what, if a goat had a tapeworm, it could squirt its milk into its chin beard and attract the tapeworm out, couldn't it? Like, the way your mind works is just... sickening.

[01:16:49] I think the goat is getting in too, Onya. I think you've done well. So, Hugh, are you getting... So, Michael, all I'm gonna say is, right, your brief to us in this round was the animal, how well it could impersonate a human. And the fact is that one of my animals almost perfectly impersonates a part of a human. And therefore, the naked bull rat is going to check into the hotel.

[01:17:14] And God bewict the concierge who feels confident enough to question this particular customer. He could be dressed in a big contraption that's like a big suit, but he's just hanging out on the fly. Is he doing the talking? No, no, sorry. Will, Kevin Spacey is not coming into this hotel. Oh, sorry, excuse me. Yeah, you could sneak him in by him just hanging out of Kevin Spacey's suit. No, no, no. No one in questioning.

[01:17:43] No one just suddenly become very protective of Kevin Spacey. But are you gonna go company? No, I'm confident. I'm confident of the little fella on his own. But he does the talking. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The talking and the gnashing of the teeth, you know, and that's kind of scary. So they just want to get this interaction done with. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, it's wonderful. And yeah, I think the confidence is key. I think that's fantastic.

[01:18:10] Look, first place is going to the giant squid, obviously, because that squid showed off. Because Will was able to go. Yeah, yeah. I think what happened there was I'm getting points for my improvisational ability rather than the actual game. And that was my aim, was a distraction tactic. Yes. Yes, you did well. Because I know my audience. Well, well, also, so the naked mole rat has actually come in second because Anya's goat needed human assistance to get in. So, yeah. Oh, well, I just, I...

[01:18:38] Hugh's just gonna have his naked mole rat contraption. No question to ask. What question would you ask, Anya, if you saw that? Well, what's it made out of his chicken boy or his papier-mache? No, no, no, no, no. I'm saying if you were the concierge, what question would you ask? You wouldn't. You'd book that one into room 312 and hope you weren't on the shift when he was leaving. No. No, I, I, yeah. I don't think you... And he, he wouldn't even need the lift. He'd just eat his way through the walls into the room. Oh, stop. There's the willies again.

[01:19:08] Only one, Anya. There's only one. Oh, yeah. So, okay. Guys, we've got two rounds left, okay? Round four is you have to pick an animal which you are going to incorporate into the magic show. So, a professional magician, Vegas level entertainment is, is available to you and all their skills and you have to incorporate one of your remaining albums into this show which does the best job

[01:19:36] I would make Kevin Spacey disappear in a Vegas style show. Or saw him in half. Saw the Spacey in half. So, kind of a Penn and Teller style show. Kevin Spacey comes out, the audience is horrified, he disappears. That's the end of it. That's great. Thank you. That's a good show. Yeah. Yeah. That's just- You can only do it once, I suppose. But- Oh, it only is going to need once. This is not a residency for Kevin Spacey. Yeah. Hmm. Hmm. Will it hue? I think the, the speed of the moray eel.

[01:20:05] I can see a moray eel performing a bullet catch. You know, I can see a moray eel doing some sort of quick change stuff. Yeah. I can see a moray eel doing quite well in like a knife throwing bit, both giving and receiving. Yeah. And I'm so tempted to bring the cow in just for, to see what it would do. But no, I think ultimately I'll go for the eel. I think it's got so much versatility. It's fast. Yeah, but you have to tell us exactly what it's going to be doing. Oh yeah, I've just given you three examples. All you said is that your person- It's fast.

[01:20:33] All you said is that your nominee won't even be there. It would also do quite well in like the, you know, it has to escape from a big tank filled with water and just chill out there for a while and be fine. Yeah. It would just be fine. I think, I think fundamentally if you showed up to a magic show and there was an eel in it, you wouldn't be put off. You wouldn't, you know, you'd be interested. Could you do a trick where everyone in the auditorium is in water and the moray eel is trapped in a box filled with air and it has to escape?

[01:21:05] Fantastic. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And you're like that. Will, what are you picking? It's difficult because I don't want to have, I don't want to have the mosquito. It's really scuppered me. I don't think there's anything fun about a mosquito being in a magic show because you just wouldn't be able to, like if you're cutting a mosquito in half, like that's like a microscopic magic trick and that's already bad. So I think I'd probably do a show called magic is shit.

[01:21:30] And it's all about, it's all, oh, how, how's that trip? How's that trick done? And you throw in, it's like sort of like a Derren Brown sort of mind control show. And at the end, the dung beetle rolls out a huge pile of human poo that he got from the bathrooms of the auditorium. Oh my God. Like how? You, you, you learn about all, like the magician look like it's, it's Derren Brown emphasis on the brown.

[01:21:57] He like works out everything that happened in the show written on this huge ball of dung and it stinks. It's a hard show to get through. It's not fun, but it's amazing. It's grotesque. What else are you going to do with a dung beetle? You know? Yeah, that's true. They're playing to their strengths and they have a lot of strength. They're very strong, strong animals. I'd have gotten to be like a tour guide at a planetarium or something because don't they follow the Milky Way?

[01:22:28] But, but this is a, this is a show in Vegas. No, it doesn't have to be in Vegas. Michael said it was a show in Vegas. No. Yeah, yeah, Vegas, Vegas. He said a magic show in Vegas. When have you ever been to Vegas and you're like, oh my God, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. I tell you, I went to a beautiful tour of a planetarium. I learned about the solar system. It was my bachelorette. Fair enough. Yeah, that's my dung beetle. Magic is shit. Okay. So, so that means then, well, it means that the final one is determined. No, you haven't given the same points. Actually, I've...

[01:22:58] You haven't scored us, Michael. Okay, sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm going to give Hughes Moray Eel first place there. I'm going to give Kevin Spacey second place. And then I'm going to give, well, I'm sorry, the dung beetle. It sounds grotesque. I don't think... I don't think it's... We've got enough number twos for us, you know. We don't need any from you, mate. Yeah. And that means that the final round is determined, guys. Okay? So the final round is... I really hope it's hide and seek. I really hope it's hide and seek. I really hope it's lower scale milk production.

[01:23:30] This is an animal that you have to ride into battle. Oh! Hi! So... Oh, no. Something that's going to strike fear into the heart of your enemies and inspire courage in your troops. Oh, thank God I knocked Kevin Spacey out. It's got to look good as a statue. It's got to look good as a flag as well. He'd strike fear into the enemy. Riding Kevin Spacey into battle would be terrifying, wouldn't it? Do you know what though? A lot of...

[01:23:58] One of the sad things about war is that a lot of armies are made up of young men. So it really would have struck fear into them. Oh, Jesus Christ. Christ, Hugh! So who've we got? So we've got Hugh coming in hot on the cow. Will... Hugh is coming in on a cow. Will, I think I'm stepping on a mosquito and walking into battle is what's happening here, isn't it? And I'm on a dolphin. Like, that's incredible. That's pretty cool. It's incredible. Yeah, yeah.

[01:24:23] And like the versatility, the speed. Now can I ask Michael, is the battle on land? Yeah. I suppose, Michael, what I actually would like to point out is that if you would allow us, and I know this has been quite a fractious episode, but if you would allow us to combine, we actually have the army, the navy, and the air force covered between us. So I think we join together, guys. Let's put our differences aside. Let's sign a treaty, you know, and let's destroy Michael. Yeah?

[01:24:54] Yeah. All right. Well, the ratings that I'm giving you are, I think, the sight of Anya on a dolphin. Yes. That obviously is top of the pile, okay? Will, the mosquito doesn't work, so you're coming in last. Yeah. The cow. In fairness to you, the only animal here that potentially would work at this hour is coming in second place. I could ride a pig into battle. Have you not seen The Hobbit? When Billy Connolly arrives on a pig, it's a really bad film. Is he on a pig? I think he's on a pig. The funniest pig I've ever had! That's Paisley. That's Paisley, yeah. It's a funny thing!

[01:25:23] Yeah, I guess you do it very well, Will. Pig riding! When did you ever think you'd be riding a pig? Other than at old Leos, am I right? God! So what are the... Can you break this down for us, Michael? So, with only four points to her name, I thought the choices were very smart, Anya, but ultimately it wasn't enough to get you there. You came in third.

[01:25:52] I mean, you know that's outrageous. I just... Well, I mean, Will had a very strong start with the dragon, the pig and the squid, and then the beetle and the mosquito crushed him. So actually, only in fairness, your negative pick of the... negative choice of the mosquito worked very well. Yeah, it really goosed me there. Whereas Hugh, with like the worst roster of animals ever assembled, comes in first. It's a lesson, isn't it? Well, don't you? It's a lesson. I don't know what one exactly, but it's a lesson. It is a lesson. It's the tortoise and the hare, innit? It's all about the coach, it's not the draft.

[01:26:21] Yeah, well think on that. It's about management. And you managed that mole rat victory, did you? Some micromanagement, I think. That is the best small dick joke I've ever heard in my life. That's very, very good. And we've made a lot of them here tonight. Yeah, yeah. I usually think they're stupid and hack, but that one, 10 out of 10. Well, guys, that has technically been an episode of a podcast, so...

[01:26:49] Michael, I suppose I'd like to know, can you give us in 30 seconds what would you have picked in the five categories? I think Barnyard, Donkey, Beast of the Sea, Orca, as I say. You know, I go back to the Thanksgiving episode, you'll hear what I think about that. Predator would have gone for like a Siberian tiger. You know, something very impressive. And if it had in my hand, ooh, I don't know, maybe like a massive snail. One of those big snails you see, you know? That would be quite nice. That could come in handy. And what would you be riding into battle? Oh, the African land snail, sir. Of all those?

[01:27:19] I think a donkey. I think, you know, I'd be sort of... Blessed be the peacemaker, you know? I think you show up on a donkey, people know you're there to talk. It'd be difficult because they'd be like, shoot that ass. And they'd be like, which one? You know? So, look, we've had a lot of fun. Hugh, animals are a legitimate like, right? That's agreed, I assume. Or do we have to do a separate episode? He doesn't like animals. What? I love animals. You don't like pets. You don't like animals. Pets aren't the same thing as animals. Yeah. No, you don't like animals.

[01:27:48] You don't like animals. You don't really like animals. I forgot. Thank you for reminding me of what I like. No, but you only like animals in books. I only like everything in books, Anya. He likes his animals like he likes his women. Fictional and good on paper. Yeah. Do you reject that statement, Hugh? Well, apparently I voted no, so... No, no, no. I mean, I just want to, you know... Well, no, it's good. Anya, do I like animals? Yeah. Great. Good to know. Does Michael? No. No.

[01:28:17] Well, I guess they're not legitimate like based on our rules. Is that the rules? No, because you two vote. So it's a draw and then it goes to Michael and I. Oh, so it's yes and no, so it's still a draw. Yeah. There you go. Because you've chosen for Michael that it's a no. We've never figured out a way to like what happens when we reach a kind of a... It's only happened once before, I think. A deadlock. Yeah. Yeah. Happened on our live show. Yeah. Look, it doesn't really matter for this episode. It was just a bit of fun, guys. Don't worry about it. Still rate it five stars. Still send it to a friend.

[01:28:46] Still tell your parents about it and go, oh, I've listened to this thing. And they'll be like, what's a podcast? And you'll be like, oh, it's like a radio show. Well, can I listen to it on the radio? And you go, no, no, you have to download it. You have to get an app. What's an app? I don't... That WhatsApp, I never close my apps. So that's how that interaction will go. Where was that parent from? Is this the parent of the squid? Yeah, that was... Oh, sure. Also, I think there's a lot of anti-parent rhetoric given that our listenership is mostly made up of our parents.

[01:29:14] Don't forget me, the father of the squid. I listen to this podcast every week. And let me tell you, I think it's great stuff. It really sucks me in. Now, let me grab my oyster card and I'll be on my way. Very good. Who are you? Remind me. Uh, uh, your lady wife. Ah, my lady wife, Petunia. Yes, I forgot about that. Oh, thank you so much for co-hosting the podcast.

[01:29:44] Sorry, thank you, Krill. Yes, thank you. My name is Krill Squiddy. Thank you, Michael, for producing the podcast. Anytime. And we'll speak to you next time. It's a goodbye from me. I thought I didn't even get a mention. You're my lady wife, Petunia, you asshole. I'm taking this ring off this tentacle.

[01:30:09] And this ring off this tentacle and this ring off this tentacle and this ring off this tentacle and this ring off this tentacle and this ring off this tentacle. Thank you for listening to Legitimate Likes. Goodbye. Bye.

[01:30:36] This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit Podomity.com.