Can you Milk it?

[00:00:04] This is Mum Dad's Got Another Tattoo, the podcast for men navigating midlife. I'm Mark and together with my co-host Richard we're going to work out whether we're having a midlife crisis. Spoiler alert, we are. And also cover topics such as relationships, sex, marriage, testosterone, golf, health, chronics, vinyl records, cycling, biohacking, wearables, erection monitoring it says here, tattoos and more.

[00:00:32] So look for Mum, Dad's Got Another Tattoo, the Midlife Crisis Podcast, wherever you get yours.

[00:01:09] The new Ford Puma J&E. Now to book a test on Ford.de. Should we do a podcast? What would we even call it? MindMap? Alright, go on then.

[00:01:39] Welcome back to another episode of MindMap with Billy and Jack. Nobody fucking cares about that. Did you know that... You're gonna love this. Some fish communicate using Farts. Under what Farts? Herons release air from their swim bladders through their anuses to communicate in the dark. Fish Farts in the dark. Some scientists call it fast repetitive ticks. But does it make a sound? Does it make a sound underwater? It'll make...

[00:02:08] The air coming out making like a little bubble that'll make a noise, won't it? I didn't even know they could fart. Neither did I. I didn't know fish fart. You have. Well, I reckon that's subjective. Maybe it's not classed as a fart, but it's a fart because it comes out of its anus. And it's air. Yeah. It's a fart then. It is a fart, innit? That is what a fart is. Does it smell? I don't know. Can you smell things underwater, Billy? Do you often smell things underwater? Can the fish smell it? I don't know. Actually, fish can smell, can't they? They smell blood. Well, sharks do. Yeah.

[00:02:39] But it's the same thing. Yeah, so fish can smell, can't they? Yeah. Right. They can smell a fart. So they can smell a fart. So they communicate, what about if they, can they change how the fart smells? Like, can they? Well, no, no one can do that. No, no. Technically, you can. You can change if your fart's gonna smell. If I eat nothing but protein all day, you will know I've ate nothing but protein all day from the smell of my farts.

[00:03:06] Yeah, but a fish can't just decide what it wants and not wants to eat, can it? That is very true. It just needs to eat. There's no fish supermarket, is there? No, they don't just fucking nick down to Tesco's and go, yeah, I'm going on a cleanse. Well, there is, well, the fish that live on like reefs and stuff, like massive reefs, that is kind of like a... So all Nemo needed to do were fucking fart. No, because that's communication. Yeah, so if he'd have farted, fucking his dad would have found him. Weren't it like other side of fucking ocean or something like that?

[00:03:36] In end. While he was getting captured, all he had to do... I mean, if I've just been fucking kidnapped, I'm going to be farting all the way. Are you? Yeah. I'd block up me. I'd nervous fart me. Do you? Yeah, like, fucking, it's horrible. Oh, right, okay. I get very nervous and like... I'm opposite, I'm nervous wee. I do like nervous wees. If I get nervous, I'm like, oh shit, I need a wee. Yeah, I prefer that. No, I'd rather fart. Because it's better if you need a wee. You've got deniability. You can say, no, it weren't me.

[00:04:05] If I stand there and I've pissed myself, I can't say, oh, I'm sorry, it weren't me. Yeah, but don't it get you in the focus? Because then you're like, you want to just get it done and properly. Right, so the point of that I'm nervous is something that's happening that I've got to concentrate on, right? If I need a wee, I stop paying attention to everything else. So if somebody's talking to me and I'm nervous about having a conversation or something like that, I'm no longer taking in anything what they're saying. All I'm thinking is, oh my fucking god, I need to pee. Stop talking. That's it.

[00:04:35] Yeah. Yeah, I suppose I'm lucky. I would rather fart. I mean, it's a bit less easier to get away with if you're just in a room and there's only you and one other person. Yeah. In an interview. Yeah. Because that is just straight up gaslighting. Imagine it. In an interview. Did you just fart? Was that you? No. No, it wasn't me. It used to be you. Yeah. And then just pretend that it's just it. Oh, yeah, I can smell that now.

[00:05:02] But that's still better than me accidentally pissing myself. Yeah. Because if I'm in a group of people, even if it's in a bar, I can't be and I'm nervous, I'll be like, oh shit. Well, gone. Have you ever farted and denied it? All the time. All the time. I blame Milo, my dog for farting all the time. Nine times out of 10, it is me. Yeah. That's a classic tricking bug, that, innit? At what point, though, do you have to admit it's you? If he's not in the room.

[00:05:30] Like, how many times does someone have to ask you before you have to turn around and go, yeah, I farted. I say it. And then you feel stupid for lying about it. I don't ever feel stupid about a lot. Well, why are you lying about it then? Because I just say it's a joke. Oh, yeah. I just bring it all back to say it's a joke. No, it's just bander. No, it's just bander. Yeah. You're not a normal person if you've never blamed fart on an animal. Or do you just deny it completely? I have done that. I've denied it completely sometimes. When? Why? When? Like, I don't know, if we've like gone out and then.

[00:06:00] Was I in the room? Yeah, I've probably blamed you. But that's the thing, but after a while, I just don't up to mine. I'm not bothered. The best thing is, I think I once blamed, it might have been you or someone else, I once blamed someone else and we both simultaneously farted together. So I was blaming him and he was like, ah shit, I've actually farted so he started blaming me. It's such a weird thing in it though because how many billions of people is around the planet? There's like 8 billion, 9 maybe, is there like 9 billion people?

[00:06:27] Everybody farts and it's like a crude thing for some people. Like, it's just weird, isn't it? But also, it's fucking funny as fuck. It's just weird. Like, how long in a relationship for the, I mean for me, it's like day one, I'll just, you know, let go. But for like... What, you're letting one rip on first date? That's what you're doing? If I need to, yeah. I'm letting them know the future. Is this on a date that you want to have a second date on? Or is this just like a, it's not going well, I'm just going to let one rip. Probably not on a first date.

[00:06:54] But early on, I'll start thought in public. I can't... In... Just in Greg's. I'll have a steak baked and a crispy donut please. But I'll, yeah, no, like early on in a relationship, I'll let it out. Right, okay. I'll come out with you. But like, like the women don't, do they? No. Like, I still think, I mean they deny they even do it now. Okay. So how long in the relationship do you think... Well, we need to ask women for that.

[00:07:24] Women who listen to this show... How long is it until we... Yeah. ...one out, you thought? On the comments, on Spotify, or, uh, do they do it on iTunes, or wherever it is? No iTunes, fuck it up. No iTunes, fuck it up. No iTunes, fuck it up. 9p to download this episode. What's, what's it called? The, the Apple Podcast thing. Is that what it's called? No, that's it. Right, nailed it. Right, okay. Apple Podcast. Do they do comments on each episode on that? Oh, I think so. They do it on Spotify, don't they? Just any platform. Any platform, yeah.

[00:07:54] We're not singling anyone out. Just leave us a comment, ladies, on how long it should be before you, you're allowed to fart. Yeah. See what you think. I think it's acceptable from day one, because me as a man, I really don't care, I actually find it quite funny. Yeah, but you wouldn't have done it, you haven't done it day one. I, I didn't do it day one, no. No. But, but, because I'm a man, I would have still seen that woman after a date, because it wouldn't have bothered me. Oh, I get you. If it was reversed, it would have been different. Yeah, I get you. I don't know, I think it might have bothered me a little. Would it? It depends if it smelled. I'd have found it funny.

[00:08:24] I'd have just been cracking jokes saying, fucking hell, what the fuck have you at? Well, yeah, I don't know, imagine if it stunk though. Yeah. It also depends on the context. Because your end goal is wanting to get in that. If you're, if, if you're in a Michelin star restaurant, it's a bit different innit? Yeah. Got tasting menu, fucking pay trains are quid. Fancy way to come in, although. They extended it to me. Would you like this wine? Shit. Anyway. Shut up, Joe.

[00:08:52] Me and Buddy are quite childish, we like little things. Yeah, we've like spoke like five minutes just to thought. Yeah. Yeah. Very intelligent podcast. Don't come here for your daily news. Can I, do you know, because all these jokes I've got are pretty shit, so can I just reel them off to you? You've got shit jokes? Yeah. Well there's no new there then is there? What do you call a well balanced horse? A well balanced horse? Yeah. Go on. Stable. Okay.

[00:09:22] What do you call an angry carrot? A turnip. A steamed veggie. Okay. These are horrendous by the way. Why do polar bears keep their money? Where do they, sorry, where do polar bears keep their money? A bank? A snow bank. A snow bank. Right, okay. How do you make an egg roll? You roll it. You push it. What, what, okay I got that, I'm having that.

[00:09:53] What, what would bears be without bees? Beeless? Ears. Okay, yeah I get that, it took me a while. One more. Why do cows wear bells? I don't actually know, there is a reason, isn't there? Well this is a joke. Okay, go on. Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work. Okay, have you finished?

[00:10:23] Because they were atrocious. You laughed. I laughed at one, that was the horse one, that was the only one. Don't tell me you simp if you laughed. Yeah it was a little bit. By the way, so this is on video as well, just letting you know because, so last time people saw videos here, we talked about the bulldogs didn't we? Did we talk about the bulldogs? I'm pretty sure we did, didn't we? You slated the bulldogs. Yeah, so I don't know if this was here last time but it's now, it's now up on the wall. There is, there is a chimpanzee.

[00:10:51] I don't think that was there before. There is a chimpanzee with some DJ decks, a spliff, some headphones, a bandana and some colourful glasses. You've fully designed this room, haven't you? I've got full faith in you. Welcome to my crib. There's a bottle of Grey Goose in corner, a chimp mixing decks and a painting, there's two shitty bulldogs in corner.

[00:11:21] When I was step foot into this place, I do turn into a bachelor. Can you just stop fucking slating all my decor? What's that? If at first you don't succeed, but a farm mill. What? Buy. Buy a farm mill. Buy a... So if you don't, if you failed, buy a farm basically. That's a tractor, that tractor's called a farm mill. Oh, is it?

[00:11:50] It says, look on the tractor on the thing, it says farm mill. Right. Have you ever drove a tractor? That just looked cool, didn't it? Okay. What else? That one I can get, that's fine. That's pretty cool. That's from when you went to see Imagine Dragons. Free Wi-Fi. Yeah, it is. Okay, there's free Wi-Fi everywhere I think on the planet. Right. Everything is going to be okay. Like that one. Men's mental health. Very good. And women's. Guinness, fucking dog shy. Don't like Guinness.

[00:12:20] Tastes weird. Right. If they ever sponsor us, we'll cut this out. Yeah. We are the farm winners. We are the new ambassadors of Guinness. I'll just be drinking like... The tractor thing's lost me. Yeah. I just liked it. And you liked the chimp? Yeah. And there's one piece of timber thing. Oh, there. That looks cool. Are you getting any more? Just that one. Okay. Nice.

[00:12:50] Okay. Are you done? My interior design. Ooh, we've got light up bar things. Billy gets an hard on for what they're called. LEDs. LEDs. Oh. Billy's got a tent in his trousers. Even. There's a little bar thing down there. Well, it's not little. It actually says it's big bars, like little words bar. Oh, and it's got LEDs in it, hasn't it? This is my obsession with Vegas. Okay. Just for the lights. You're like a fly. I know. It's like a bug.

[00:13:19] I'm a fucking moth. You fucking weirdo. Right. There's somewhere where I've got to put on an LED strip. Oh, it's there. You've got an LED. Oh my God. Where's that going? Oh, mate. Right. Okay. The step I take, which I think is too far, is on the corners of the ceiling. On the ceiling. Yeah. You don't need that. I'm not into that. No, you don't need that, Billy. But disco ball will be here soon. Fucking hell. Right. And straw blighting. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

[00:13:50] The thing is though, the viewers can't see this, but if you look that way, it actually looks pretty nice. The room. Becker designed that bit. Yeah. I didn't know that either. I didn't know that. I promise I didn't know that. That side looks pretty nice. And then if you stand on this side and look this side, you're like, yeah. It's his and hers. Okay. Billy's designed this side. Yeah. Looks good. I like what I like. Yeah. You do like what you like and you stick to it. I do. That's what's good about you. Yeah.

[00:14:19] So it'll all be different, you know, by next week. I'll have ripped everything down after you've gone today. You fucking hated it. I think you need to double down. I think you need to get another six bulldogs. I think you need more bulldogs. I need the pack. Right. Also, guys, got shirts on. New shirts. So me and Billy are now walking billboards and we have to wear his own faces on his shirt now in public. Thanks to Billy. Yeah, man.

[00:14:47] Uh, big shout out to Josh. We're ordering Josh a t-shirt and he's going to be wearing it around his locals and stuff with mine and Billy's face on it. Yeah. Bear in mind, Josh is like six foot six. So when he stands up in Tyre Rotherham, we'll see it. Free advertisement. We've got free advertisement because Josh is a walking fucking bullboard. Free advertisement. It's on its way, Paul. And if you want some, DM. Yeah, DM us. Leave us comments on his fucking podcast. You're fucking obsessed with this.

[00:15:17] No, that's where we were. We've got so sidetracked. Fucking hell. The main thing that we were talking about were, ladies, how long is it acceptable to fart in a relationship? Leave a comment on the thing. That's the whole fucking premise of what we were talking about. We got distracted. It was. Now what? I'm out of ideas. I've ruined the train wreck. Come on, you're on a roll. I've derailed us. I've derailed us from the derail. Trains. Trains. I've been getting trains recently.

[00:15:47] Fucking hell. Why do you need a bank loan to get a train? What's going off? You're up in the environment. And then sometimes you've got to stand up. It's sweaty. There's people fucking touching me. Not in an appropriate way. Just like inside of me. And I don't like it. There's too many people. Yeah, there's no personal choice. There's people that play music on train. Just out loud. What the fuck are you doing? I almost pulled fucking fire handle and made the train stop. Honestly, it fucking, it wound me up right bad. I was just sat there stewing like fucking. I don't know why. I have no idea why.

[00:16:16] It just wound me up. So you don't like trains? I actually like trains. You like the idea of trains. I like the idea of trains. If everyone just sticks to the seat. It's like, there's no like seat numbers. You don't book a seat, so it's fine. I thought you do. You can on some trains. The trains that I've been getting, you don't have to. Er, but yeah, I'm not bothered about that. It's just, I don't mind sitting next to people, but it's when they keep fucking shuffling and nudging me and stuff and I'm just, oh, yeah. Er, some woman, nearly knocked my coffee off her.

[00:16:45] Or I'd, I'd not had it yet at all, so I would like a. I mean, that's kind of on you. Why is it? Why are you coming on a train with your coffee? Why can't I come on a train with your coffee? Well, you, and you stood up. No, I'm sat down on the table and I've got my coffee on the table. Right, fair enough. I thought you were meaning you stood up. No. I'm like, that's kind of dangerous. No. Er. Do they offer you stuff on a train? Do they like come round? It's not the kind of trains I'm getting. I'm not on a train for long enough. It's not like Harry Potter where, how do you get off the trolley? No. They're like the ones where you go to London and stuff, innit?

[00:17:14] So what, which one are you like? Northern, are you on like Northern? Northern Rail, yeah. Northern Rail. Northern Rail. Shout out Northern Rail. To be fair, the only thing that matters is the fact that it turned up and they were on time. And every time I've got train, they've been, they've been there and on time. So everything else is just. Have you ever been on a Virgin train? It depends what kind of train you're talking about. Like Virgin Atlantic or whatever they're called. Virgin Rail. I don't think. I did think when you, have you been on a train when you was a Virgin? Virgin. That's it.

[00:17:45] I don't think I am in the tax bracket to get on a Virgin Atlantic train. Is it like 100 quid for fucking to go to London from Manchester? If not more. Yeah, it's more. Do you know what's funny? Like it's the, also the first class thing. Who's getting on a Virgin Atlantic train from Sheffield to London and then think, do you know what? Fuck it. I'll get first class. And it's like 600 quid. Nice though. Is it, but what do you get? Is it like two, is it two and a half hours? Three hours? You get a table.

[00:18:14] You get that sat in fucking cheap seats. You get wifi. You get that sat in cheap seats. You get a bar. You, somebody comes along with a trolley. You get it in a can. Yeah. It's just different atmosphere, isn't it? It's just, you're paying for the, the. People that don't pay me play music out loud. Yeah. Yeah. You don't pay for homeless is like trains. I have been on a train once before and they were a silent cabin and I fucking loved it. There were nobody talking. I don't lie. We're like a silent cabin. What happens if you do talk?

[00:18:43] I think you get kicked out. Shut up. How low? And this is how I never get. How the fuck do you get kicked out? I don't know if it stuck to me then. How do you get kicked off a train? I think the train conductors can get in contact with like security at the station or police or something like that. And they stop the train and then somebody comes and gets them off at that station. So if you're going direct, say Sheffield to London, it's what? Two hour? Yeah. So they get in touch with people at station who will prearrange police to come and apprehend people. But where do they stop? Because they're going direct.

[00:19:12] Do they just have to stop at the next nearest station? No, they'll stop at London. Oh, they'll stop at London. Yeah. But what do they do with the guy? The person? They'll just stay there. They'll just, but what about if he's fucking attacking people? Then yes, they will stop at the next station. Wait! Wait! Can you just wait until we're two minutes away from station please? If he's like shooing someone in, don't they do it. They'll just all wait back and then fucking hell he's going to get shooed in for another an hour and fifteen. It might be dead by the time I turn up. Don't worry, when I get to London all this stuff is started.

[00:19:42] Don't you worry. You're running in there, pal. Cover your head! They can't just stop, can they? They can't just stop. It breaks. Like a bus. Like a bus, they can just go and get out. A train does have brakes. How do you think they stop when they get to London? Yeah, but... Like they have got the facilities to stop, they just don't. Yeah, but another train can't just go round it, can they? No. If there was an incident, they would stop at the next station. I would argue that they'd probably just stop altogether. Like if it were a serious incident. What, and then all the other trains behind it stop? Yes, Billy. Because it's like clockwork, innit? They all...

[00:20:11] Yeah, but I should imagine, it's like it's all online innit? Everything's everywhere. They wouldn't know if that train stopped. I should imagine the train driver would also communicate to people. We're not back in 1900s are we? You know, we would just wait to see trains and stuff. I feel better now. Yeah. Anyway, have you had any fun experiences on trains? Eh, no. Not really. I've seen them. Yeah. And I've looked at them and... They are cool, aren't they? I've been on them. But yeah, I ain't got the same passion as you.

[00:20:40] Or anger as you. It's not passion or it's anger, it's just what it is innit? That's just the life of a train. Ryder. This is what I explained to the woman sat inside of me. Eh, no. What have you been doing? Because I know you've done something yesterday that were cool. What? You went to Seaside? Yeah. What? Yeah, I went to Seaside. Why are you that saying? It's like... Why is that cool? It's like 30 degrees and you were at a beach. Oh yeah, yeah. It's like being abroad.

[00:21:09] Let's just put a fucking little bit of a disclaimer in there. I went to Skeggy. Right? It doesn't matter, it's 30... It was like 30 degrees, weren't it? Yeah. It's like being at Maldives. Only got molested twice. Did you have to pay extra for that? I did. And after the third time, they told me to gear. Yeah. Eh, yeah, I went to Skeg Vegas. Nice. They've actually got a sign that says Skeg Vegas. Have they? Yeah. Welcome to Skeg Vegas. See, they're leaning into it now. They're just leaning into it. Fuck it. That's why I love it.

[00:21:39] I love it. They're just buying into it. Yeah. I think they should start... Sorry. You good? Yeah, I've got something in my throat and my gracious host didn't offer to get me a drink before we started. Oh, well I have got bottles of water below me. Eh, no. But you're going to blow me to get one. No, I'm good, thank you. Anyway, you fucking lost my train of thought. So obviously they've bought into the Skeg Vegas page. Yeah. Which is brilliant. Yeah. I think Rotherham should do the same. We ain't got a beach? No, just the name of it.

[00:22:06] Obviously when you drive into Skeg A, it says, welcome to Skeg Vegas. Yeah. In the Vegas thing. Signage. Skeg A, Rotherham, they should change it. Welcome to Rotherham and put a V in it. Rotherham. Because that's how we say it. Or Sonny Rotherham. Welcome to Rotherham. I always say, I'm going back to Sonny Rotherham now. I always say Sonny Rotherham, I don't know why. Hmm. No, I don't. Maybe that's just a me thing. It's never Sonny. Well, that's the joke. Oh, right. Sonny Rotherham. Eh.

[00:22:33] But yeah, I bet even though it's like Skeg Vegas and that, we're not dissing Skeg Vegas at all. It's your shit up. Yeah, right, okay. Bill is dissing Skeg Vegas, I'm not. Eh, in 30 degrees, come on, it's gotta be good. Well, I saw a lot of people with the tops off, yeah. Well, that's, it's England, that happens anyway. But, well, yeah, it was good. Yeah. Speaking of people with the tops off, how unhinged is it if you're in own bargains and somebody takes the top off? That's weird. It's fucking weird, innit? That's weird.

[00:23:01] This bloke shopping with Missy, he just straight up just took his top off and just walk around with his top off in own bargains. Any tattoos? Er, no. In England, surely, something around Billy. Maybe. I didn't really look at him, Billy. What did he steal? No. As far as I'm aware, he didn't steal anything. Yeah, that's right. I would, honestly, I'd just preemptively dialed 999. I'd just had enough. I wanted him out. It's not, it's not right. What do you mean? Did fucking paper-sized policeman not stop him as he wanted? No, he didn't, no. Have you seen him from Cobb Vaughan cutouts? Yeah.

[00:23:31] Funnily enough, that did not deter him, no. Oh, how? Er, menace. Did you get a rock? Stick a rock? No. Did you build a sand castle? No, it's not that type of beach, mate. Did you go and see? No, too far away. Oh my God, what did you do? We went round the market. You could do that in Rotherham? No, you can't do a Skagit market, mate. Okay, fair. That's where you get the high, high goods. Er, we did go to a beach. Probably got about fucking three inch cuts on my feet,

[00:24:00] because of that much pebbles on it. See, that's the thing. You've got to drive to specific beaches in the UK, because they're not all like... It's got white sands, mate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not like the sign says, where it says Golden Resort in London. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The sea was about fucking ten mile away. Yeah. I got worried. I thought there was going to be a tsunami. The tide's probably just that. Yeah, but when I first looked, it seemed closer than it was, so I thought there were a tsunami. I've got a question. So I evacuated. This is going to be a really idiot question,

[00:24:30] because I don't know for some reason. The tide obviously goes in and out here, right? Does that happen everywhere else? Like, I've never been on a beach in Spain and been like, oh, tide's going out. Yes. Does it? Yes. Well, I've been to the beach. Why wouldn't it? I've been to the beach in Spain before, all day, and the sea didn't really move. It only moved a bit. Why would it? Why would it only do it in England? I don't know. Why would it just go, I'm in Spain, mate, I'm fucking staying here. I don't know. You're making me go back, I'll protest. Yes.

[00:25:00] I don't know. No. But I've been on the beach for full days, and it didn't really go far out. Like, I didn't have to trek 10 miles to go to sea. Look how many tsunamis there've been. Where? Like in Japan and Thailand and all that. I'm not talking about that, I'm talking about Spain. Just Spain? Just Spain! Yes, it goes back in Spain. Does it? Yeah. But it only goes back an hour later, because of time difference. Right, okay. Actually, for Spain and Greece, is it because it's part of the Mediterranean? What? Does that have a... Why?

[00:25:29] Why would it make a difference? I don't know. Just because it's called a different name doesn't mean the tide doesn't go in and out. No, but like the Mediterranean Sea is not like connected to the ocean. Atlantic, is it? Like Atlantic's a massive ocean. Of course it fucking is. Mediterranean's quite small. Yeah, but it's only connected through Straits of Gibraltar, which is like a thin section. It's like it's not big. It's still the sea. Yeah, but it's a different sea. If they have waves, it goes in and out. Do you know what?

[00:25:58] I'm gonna have to Google this. I need to Google it. I just need to Google it. There might be one random area in the world that says it doesn't. So, do you know what? I'll ask... Right, well, while you're doing this, we'll pause for an ad break. That'll be perfect. Okay. Pause for an ad break. See you in a bit. Yeah.

[00:26:46] So. Until... In Spain and Greece, does the tide go in and out like in the UK? Let's have a look. By the way, we're back. No, we're not. We're back now. Yeah. We're back now.

[00:27:16] We're back. The idea is you're not supposed to mutter while we're doing it while we're in the middle of the ads. Right. Okay. Here we go. Right. So, I'm gonna read you the full thing. Okay. So, the question was, in Spain and Greece, does the tide go in like in the UK? Right. Great question. Yes. That's all we needed to know. Spain and Greece do have tides, but they behave quite differently from what you're used to in the UK.

[00:27:46] Tides in the UK, especially places like Bristol channels and parts of Wales, has very large tidal ranges. 6 to 15 meters. Right. This is due to its position on the edge of the Atlantic and the shape of the surrounding coastlines and estuaries. So, you do see the tide very obviously go in and out, often over hundreds of meters of the beach. Tides in Spain and Greece. Spain, Mediterranean side. Right. On the Mediterranean coast, e.g. Costa Brava, Costa del Sol, tides are very small, usually

[00:28:14] less than 30 centimeters or one foot. You'll hardly notice it. The water gently shifts, but you won't see a vast beach appear like in Cornwall. On the Atlantic coast, around Galicia, or the Bay of Biscay, the tidal range is much bigger, like the UK. Greece is entirely in the Mediterranean, so it has very weak tides, again typically under 30 centimeters. The sea level stays fairly constant throughout the day. Some islands and shallow bays may show minor shifts, but nothing like UK tides. So I was right.

[00:28:44] How was you right? Because it's to do with Mediterranean and Atlantic. The question was, you asked, does the tide come in and out? So, technically I was wrong, because yes it does, but when you picture tide coming in and out, like at UK, like you've just said, it goes out fucking miles. Yeah. I know for a fact I've been on a beach in Spain and I've been there all day and it ain't fucking moved. Well... I were drinking all day, but it went... And I was in the sea. It didn't move that fucking far. And that's just said, it only moves like a foot.

[00:29:13] So you're not going to know it's a foot, are you? Whereas if you're at Skeggy and fucking at nine o'clock it's there and then at twelve o'clock it's fucking miles away. Yeah. So technically I was right. You were a little bit right. We were 50-50. No, we can't. 50-50. Right. Okay. And it is to do with the Mediterranean, like I said. Right. You've got that bit right, yeah. But the tide does go in and out. The tide does go in and out. No. But it's not the same as the UK. Okay. So if the tide goes back a hundred meters in Spain... In Mediterranean. There's a tsunami coming.

[00:29:42] There's a fucking tsunami coming. Run. Here you go. Yeah. Okay. Here you go. Anyway. Did you see... I sent you a video a few hours ago about stag shirts. Yeah. That was funny. Yeah. Benny Dome's a wild place, innit? Would you like to go? No. I don't think it's my kind of deal, I don't think. Deep down. Would you like to go? I don't know. Maybe. I don't know.

[00:30:10] If you're going to Benny Dome, it's just one of them sesh places, innit? I've bugged it. Fuck off. Do you know what though? There's no wonder people hate us. Like, just hate English. Benny Dome is no longer part of Spain. It is England. It is an English city. I never get it. I never get all these protesting and that they do. Do you know what? I actually think, at some point in the next few years, I think there will be more Brits living in Benny Dome than there will be Spanish people. So then they'll have a majority. So then... The UK will be able to claim that.

[00:30:40] So we're going to do a drunken invasion. Secret invasion. Yeah. Funny. Anyway, what else but trains you've been doing? Massively. I'll go to Lake District. Not tomorrow, but... Next week. Cool. Yeah. Sorting out some wedding stuff. Wedding planning. Nice. All fun. Nice. Doing a pre-wedding shoot. Okay.

[00:31:08] Pre-wedding photo shoot so we know how to stand on the day. Just in case the camera works, yeah? Yeah. All that kind of stuff. Doing one of them. Does that cost? It's part of the price, I think. I hope it is anyway. It comes to me. Right, for these practice photos... Yeah. Gives 10 grand. Yeah. Yeah. Just doing loads of stuff like that. Going on some walks and that. Have a nice time. Enjoying the summer breeze. Yeah. Well, it's Lake District, innit? So it'll be fucking windy and it might be raining. That's cute.

[00:31:38] Anyway, so... I accidentally showed my competitive side. What have you done? Right, so it was my child's sports day. Oh, fucking hell. You've knocked off of three kids running, haven't you? I'm banned from the school. Okay. Was it a race between all the other dads? No, no, no. They didn't do any of that for some reason. You were sad, weren't you? I wasn't. Honestly, I'd be stretching the morning off. You'd be that guy fucking going to sprinter's thing.

[00:32:07] You know, with hands on the floor and that. Yeah, I was. And then everyone would look at me, why the fuck's he got lycra and a sweatband on? Yeah. No, they just did it for the kids. Boring. But... He won. Which is good. You were screaming from sidelines, weren't you? I think I made him win. What, through sheer terror? Pretty much. Why, what did you do? Well, the thing is, he's going to take it serious. He's a kid, he doesn't have to take it serious. No, he has to. He doesn't.

[00:32:37] It's sports. He doesn't have to take it serious. This is the reason he came out of my nutsack. Right. Is to play sports. What sports do you play, Billy? All of them. When? Football. Pickleball. Weekly. When? On video games. That doesn't count. Well, when I was his age, I used to. Like, I want to live my dream through him. Is that okay? You're not that old. You could live your dream through you. Oh yeah, right. What club's going to sign me up now for football? It doesn't have to be football. It can be anything. You just said pickleball. Right.

[00:33:05] I'm pretty sure you could play pickleball competitively at any age. It's an age limit. No, there isn't. It's an age limit. Don't most retirement homes play pickleball? No, that's table tennis shit. There you go. Another table tennis. You are shit out of table tennis. I fucking am. Exactly. So that's a sport. You could do that at any age. I'll go to Olympics. Yeah. I think I'm more probably fit enough to do darts. It is a sport. It is a sport. They are pro athletes. They are. They train every day.

[00:33:34] That is peak male performance. That is what a peak athlete looks like. So anyway, the thing is, and no offence to the kid, but I feel like he's going to go into theatricals. He's like dancing in that when it's his turn for egg and spoon race. Yeah, I used to do stuff like that. I'm like, just get your fucking head in game, mate. What are you doing? No one's come to watch Michael Jackson do it anymore. Yeah. They've come to you to see you run as fast as fuck with a spoon and an egg.

[00:34:01] Do you know in like 20 years time, when he's a professional actor and he's earning millions and you'll be asking, I assume, do you remember when I took piss out of you at that fucking school sports day and you were actually just a brilliant actor waiting to come out? Yeah. I'll say, I'll take credit. Can I have a new car please? And he'd be like, no, fuck off. Well, I'll obviously take credit for it. Why? I'll say, I pushed you down that way because I saw your true talent. No, you didn't. So I psychologically made you rebel against me to be an actor. Okay. Right. Okay.

[00:34:31] That's the angle I'll go down, yeah? The angle I go down. Right. Okay. So it's a win-win really. I mean. Not for the kid. Right. So yeah. So, but he won. If he likes doing stuff like that, get him in gymnastics because that's kind of cool but it's also sports, isn't it? I did a bit of gymnastics for like a week. It's not the masculine of sports I'd like him in. Have you seen male gymnastics? I wish I looked like a male gymnastic. Yeah, they look great. I wish I looked like a male.

[00:35:01] Fucking hell, they are inches fuck. They look great but they also can do cool things. Have you seen them on them like, them pull-up bars when they're doing, they do all spins and then do jumps and then re-catch the bar? Fine, he can be a fucking guy. I wish I could do that. Fine, he can go into Olympics and do gymnasts. They want to do the draw the line art. He's not doing any of this fucking show horse thing. He ain't doing anything. Hobby horsing. Yeah, he's not doing any of that. Hobby horsing is on the rise. I'm telling you, I've been on social media and it's just coming up more and more often

[00:35:29] and do we really want to get to be a society that accepts hobby horsing? Do we really want to be those people that accepts hobby horsing? I've seen videos of them. I don't know if we want to be those people. We're walking a very fine line. Oh, we can just pretend to run on a horse. The video that I watched... It was stroking the head. Yeah. Like it's real. Like it's alive. The one that I watched and it were pre-show jitters or something like that, nervous.

[00:35:58] And it were like... But the video, right? It was her walking with the horse, like preparing its... Trutting its head and stuff. But the music choice was proper thick, dirty drum and bass. Like... I can't remember the actual song. It was... If I can shout it out, it was summer. And people can just Google it. We're not going to play it otherwise we'll get copyrighted. I think we can say the name of the song, can't we? Yeah, you're all saying names. Right. It was thick, dirty drum and bass.

[00:36:28] And she was just walking about with its horse and I'm like, it's not that deep. It's not that... It's not that deep. You're running about a sports hall of a fucking jump ropes. Yeah, it's bonkers. It's getting widely accepted. Do you know what? Because of it, and it's a niche thing, I would actually like to have a go. It does look fine. They've got you. They've got you. They've reeled you in. You've bit. I want to go. Would you not want to go? Just for the bants. Just for the bants. Why?

[00:36:58] I think for my stag do, I think we should all go and do objorsen. Objorsen. I think we should have a few beers and then go objorsen and see who wins. I think that'd be right fun. Because it's all about... It's about presentation as well. You know like horse races and stuff. You know where they do equestrian sports or whatever it is like that? They do make the horse do the weird things, don't they? Yeah. Have you seen the videos of hobby horseing doing that? They do that, but with their legs. So they do the weird prance thing with their fucking legs. I'd just be doing fucking Gangnam style or something with mine.

[00:37:27] It is whoops by DJ Bounty Hunter. Please listen to that song and then imagine somebody doing hobby horseing to that song. I'm going to play it for Billy after. Yeah. Hobby horseing. I think we should go and do it drunk. I think it'd be fucking fantastic. Yeah. Don't you think? Yeah, it'd be good. Anyway, it's about time to do a segment I think. Oh sorry, have you got anything else to talk about? No, no, no, that's it. Are you sure? Yeah. Nothing? You're like prepping...

[00:37:57] Should I be saying something? Billy, because he's a genius and he's just dying to be famous, he's been reaching out to everybody and we might have been getting some good guests on and stuff. We're not going to announce it yet obviously because people... No, because if they turn around in rejections we're like, yeah remember that shout out, are we good? Big things are coming. Big things are coming. That's what she said. New sponsors potentially. We're not going to... Everything's been finalised but yeah.

[00:38:26] So you'll see new things happening. Watch this space. Yeah, watch this space. Things are happening and it's weird. It's weird. I don't like it. It's fucking weird. I don't like it. It's changing. Things are changing. Yeah. We were just talking about views and stuff and all because Billy were telling me we've been doing really well at views and that. And to me that just seems fake, it doesn't seem real. Like you just don't comprehend in my head that people are listening to us. We got nominated for an award because of how good we were doing and you still can't I just... You still can't. No, I don't. I just don't understand why we're doing it. Anyway, let's crack on what you said. Yeah.

[00:38:56] Ready? I'm not ready. I'm not ready. Why do you need to... Is that what we needed to say? No, no. Did we need to say it? I feel like we've missed some of that. No. No? Are you sure? Okay. Fuck it. I'm still not ready. We need to do the song. Segment time. Segment time. It is segment time. Yeah. Oh yeah. So from the basis of me and Billy try to try to do a new segment every time.

[00:39:26] Obviously it's getting pretty fucking hard now. It's not happening guys. We are scraping the barrels. It's not happening. If anybody's got new fresh ideas, drop us a message and we'll try and consider it. This one is around, I've got some stuff, and the name of the game is Can You Milk It? That's the name. Oh, do we both need to Google this? No, no, no. Okay. No, no, no. I've got it ready. Okay. It's just a quick fire one. Yeah. Me. Yes, you can. So, I'm going to present something. You're going to say, yes you can milk it, or no you cannot milk it. Okay.

[00:39:56] Right? And then I reveal the truth in a little bit of background info. First item on the agenda. First species. Okay. Cockroaches. Yeah, you can. You can milk it? Is that the answer you're going to? Yeah. You're correct. I know. Oh, you do actually know? Okay. It was on I'm Celebrity once. Were you? I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out Here. Oh. They made them drink cockroach milk. Yeah. Certain species like the Pacific beetle cockroach produce a crystal-like milk substance to feed

[00:40:24] their young, and scientists have studied it as a protein source. It is actually three times more nutritious than cow's milk. Fuck yeah, no. We don't even have cockroaches in this country, do we? I don't think so. We just have wood louse. Yeah. Number two, almonds. Yeah. Age-old debate. Yeah, yeah. Yes, you can milk almonds. Yes. Some in the fridge. But that is just, that's just like, it's just blending. Right, here we go.

[00:40:53] The milk is made by blending almonds with water and straining the result. It's technically a juice, but you can milk it. Right, tarantulas. Tarantulas? Fucking spiders? No. No? No? No? You tell me. Can you milk it or not? Well, it's not a manimal. It's not a what? A manimal? I mean, a nut's not a mammal. Um, neither is a cockroach. No. But if you can milk a cockroach, then can you not milk a spider? But do spiders have nipples?

[00:41:25] I believe, do cockroaches have nipples? Maybe. Um, no, because they do a web. Okay, so you're correct, but your reasoning is completely bonkers, I think. What? No, because they do web. Yeah. Because they web, so they have to use that for webbing. It's false, you cannot milk tarantulas. Yeah. Uh, however, some labs do milk venom from spiders. Oh yeah, I know that, yeah. Um. But trachians don't have spiders, though. I'm having a stroke. Ready?

[00:41:55] Yeah. Pigeons? No. Fuck off. No. Yeah. Yeah, they do, yeah. Sure? Yeah. Final answer, wouldn't it? No, it's not. But stop trying to gauge off my face. Is it- Can you milk a pigeon or not? Tell me. I'm trying to think of a- Like when the babies are born. Have you ever seen a baby pigeon? I brought this up. No, you haven't. Don't steal my thing. Uh, no. You can't. You can't milk a pigeon? No. Okay, you're wrong. Oh, fuck. You can milk a pigeon. It's called cropped milk.

[00:42:25] Both male and female pigeons produce it to feed their chicks. It's not drinkable for humans, but it technically counts as milk because it's nutrient rich and produced from body organ. What happens if we do drink it? I don't know. You might get ill. Hmm. But yeah. Uh, funny not, the milk comes from male and females. That's cool, isn't it? Oh. Imagine if you could make milk. I know. I'd be putting it in fucking cereal a lot, mate. I'd have a load, me. I'd have more than you. Rocks. Rocks? What? No. There's no milk in a rock.

[00:42:55] Coconuts! Shit! Yes! No, that's... Wait, is that a rock? Is that a rock? It's a coconut. It's hard as a rock. It's not a rock, Billy. A coconut is not a fucking rock, Billy. It is. It's not. No, then. Just based off coconuts are not rocks. That's a frog, innit? Have you ever seen that video? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a frog, innit? That's you. That's a coconut, innit? No, it's not a rock.

[00:43:24] No, you cannot milk it. Yeah. Er... Peas. Peas? As in peas? As in peas. As in garden peas? As in peas. Mushy peas. As in peas. No. No. Yeah, no, wait. Can you milk a pea? Can you milk a pea? Is that what the mushiness is in a mushy pea? Can you milk a pea? Yes. Final answer. Yes, you can milk a pea. Yes, I knew it. Pea milk is a real thing, like ripple or wonder.

[00:43:53] It's high in protein and often used by vegans. It's similarly made to, it's like oat milk or almond milk. Again, technically kind of like a juice. Mm. Because it's not a thing. My seven. Platypuses. Platypuses? Oh, I want to see one of them in real life. They are so cool. Yes. You can milk a platypus. You can milk a platypus. Perry does it. Platypuses don't have nipples. Their milk oozes out of their skin like sweat and babies lap it up from their fur. Sounds right.

[00:44:23] Scientists once studied platypus milk for its antimicrobial properties. So yes, you can milk a platypus, but you'll feel very uncomfortable doing it because you have to wring them out like a tea towel. Oh dear. No, that's just me adding it on. Oh, okay. Trees. Hmm. Can you milk a tree? Well, they have sap, don't they? Is that... Would you class that as milk? Tree sap? Tree sap. A lot of these are vague by the way. Questionable. Yes.

[00:44:52] Like if you were to ask these to a scientist, he'd just tell you you're a fucking idiot. No, you can't milk a tree. You can milk a tree. Shit. Because it is the sap. Oh, is it? Yes. Oh, I'm very smart. So there is some species that produce a white milky sap called latex. Oh. Something, but it's not food safe. Oh. So then again, it's technically not milk, is it? No. That's what I mean. Unless it's digestible or... Yeah. We're out. We're done?

[00:45:21] Done. Yeah. Wow. Because I'm going to Turtle Bay soon with my missus. Nice. I'm going to go and have some curry goat. I'm going to milk a tail. Have you ever had curry goat? No. It's... It's too spicy for you. That's probably why I've never had it. Yeah. Fantastic. Love Turtle Bay. Big up Turtle Bay. Big up Turtle Bay. Cheesy jerk aloumi. Nice. Cheesy jerk fries, sorry. It's not double cheese on the aloumi. Planting. I do say it because some people say, is it planting or is it planting?

[00:45:52] What are you on about? Planting? You know the fried... It's like fried banana. I think it's a variant of banana. I think. Planting? Yeah. I always say planting. Planting. Well, I'm just going to say the same as you. Well, I don't know if I'm right. Well, I've never even heard of it so I'm definitely not going to know I'm right. You've had it though. I think I did it at you at Turtle Bay once. Planting? A fried banana? It's not actually a banana but it looks like a banana. Put it this way. If you went into the shop and somebody held you up a banana and a planting, I think you could... I think it'd be hard to tell different.

[00:46:21] What's it taste like? You've had it. It tastes lovely. I can't remember that. It tastes fucking lovely. It's very nice. Well, it's called planting. Yeah. Next time we go to Turtle Bay, I'm going to make you order it. Right, okay. Are you buying it? Well, I mean you can have one of my pieces because I always buy it. Okay. It's very nice. Anyway. Yeah. Right. Cheers guys. Bye. Let's talk about your dreamtip.

[00:46:50] Oh, it's difficult. I'm going to make you a new Ford Puma Gen E. Okay, er muss für jedes Abenteuer zu haben sein und natürlich toll aussehen. Und er darf mich nie lang warten lassen. Klingt verdächtig nach dem neuen Ford Puma Gen E. Der lädt schneller als dein Smartphone von 10 auf 80 Prozent in nur 23 Minuten. Hm, dann muss ich wohl mal... Probefahren! Der neue Ford Puma Gen E. Jetzt Probefahrt buchen auf Ford.de.

[00:47:17] Erlebe diesen Sommer mit Und Julia. Die ultimative Musical Party in Hamburg. I got the eye of the... Spare nur für kurze Zeit 30 Prozent. Sommertickets unter musicals.de. This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's Podcast Comedy Network. Why not laugh at what else we've got?

[00:47:45] Visit podomity.com.