Desert Island

[00:00:03] Shall we do a podcast? What would we even call it? MindMap! Ah, go on then. Welcome back to another episode of MindMap with Billy and Jack. Nobody fucking cares about that.

[00:00:26] Did you know that scientists are on the verge of a breakthrough with creating universal anti-venom? From like snakes and shit. Yes. So, there's this guy called Tim Freed, right? And he's let some of the most venomous snakes bite him, right? Fucking psycho. Yeah. He's had over 200 bites in 800 venom injections in total. Wow.

[00:00:54] So, he's let that amount of snakes bite him. He's had 200 bites. We're talking like black mambas, cobras, I can't say that one, taipans, some of that. World's most deadliest snakes, right? He's let them bite him. Just for, to see if he can get an immunity. Charlie had the antidote there. Yeah. He had the antidote with him. Yeah. That's the thing. So, he's letting all these things bite him.

[00:01:17] And then seeing if his body can create antibodies. So, basically, right? He's hoping that if his body can develop antibodies, scientists will be able to get those out of his blood, and maybe, like, fashion it. And that's actually what they've been able to do in 2025.

[00:01:39] So, scientists at Centivax, led by immunologists Jacob Glanaville, analyzed Freed's blood and discovered two powerful antibodies. And they've combined those antibodies with a venom-blocking drug called Varasplavlib. You went, what? You just fed that up. What? That was my dyslexia. Varasplavlib. Varasplavlib. Right. So, they've created an experimental antivenom, and they've done animal studies.

[00:02:06] So, they've got mice, gated this antivenom, and injected it with the venom of these different, of 19 different snake species, including some of the most venomous in the world. And it's protected them. Wow. From 19 snakes so far. That guy needs a fucking medal. He needs parading. Yeah, he's had multiple near-death experiences. I can imagine. He's been in a four-day coma a lot after a cobra bite. Oh my god. Yeah, it's ridiculous.

[00:02:34] But, because of that psycho, we might actually get a universal antivenom. Because I think there's like a ridiculous amount of people that die from snake bites every year. Yeah, there's loads, isn't there? Every year. And I reckon, and the thing is, if you're in an environment where you know poisonous snakes are, you could just carry a vial of that antivenom. You're not going to worry about carrying about seven different vials. Let's be honest though, Jack. They're not going to give it away, are they? No, it'll be very expensive. It's going to come at a price. It'll be very fucking expensive. Do you not want to die from the snake?

[00:03:04] Give me 200 million pounds. But now that guy needs to fucking, he needs to be statue made and... Nobel Peace Prize! I wonder if he's fucked his DNA up. Like maybe he's like got a bit of snake DNA. Part snake? Snake DNA. What about if his saliva glands are going to start producing venom? What about if his tongue splits into two? Yeah. Well, they actually have one snake, it's just pronged on end. What about if his tongue turns into a prong? I mean, it'd be a bit of shit, wouldn't it? If you like got powers of the snake.

[00:03:34] Errrr, yeah, kinda. What can you do? Yeah, it's not like... You've just got to get up close and personal to bite people. Yeah. To fucking put venom in them. Because they can't go super fast, can they? Some can, can't they? Some fucking... Yeah, but I'm trying to picture it against like what other animal you get. I mean, they can't really absorb their powers. Like if you absorb the powers of a rhino. Yeah, you're pretty sick. I think that'd be more deadly than a snake. Yeah, well, they did it in Spider-Man, didn't they? Oh yeah, true. But, he can't just come up and start like wrapping his body around you, can he? No.

[00:04:04] He'd like to constrict you. No. But that's not the point. Most venomous snakes don't do that. I am petrified of snakes by now. Yeah, I know you are. That's why I... I am fucking petrified of them. That's why I thought I'd get you. Literally, I went on a walk over day. Did you see one? No, but it was like a hot spot for it. I honestly, I literally tiptoed around that. Where did you go? Errrr, Nostal. Right. So you know like it's a hot spot for them. Do you know how rare it is to see them in this country? Yeah, but... It is ridiculously rare. Jack, they'd sniff the fear out of me.

[00:04:33] I am easy prey to a snake. Because if it spots me, I'm fucking done. That's it. It's free. I'm frozen. Yeah, but I don't think... I think they are venomous in this country, but I don't think they've got enough venom to kill a person. No, they haven't. Unless you're allergic to it. I would... Black Adders. I haven't researched it. How would you find that out if you're allergic? Well, you've just got to let it bite you, haven't you? You just find out as soon as you find out. Yeah.

[00:05:00] I mean, I'd probably die of a heart attack before the venom would kill me. Yeah, you definitely would. Because I'd be that petrified. That is why I don't want to go. Well, I do want to go, but I'm scared to go, if I ever do go, to Australia. Yeah, there's so many ridiculous... Yeah. There's so many ridiculous stuff in Australia that can kill you. Yeah, but they just deal with it. I've seen videos where they just fucking walk in and it's just chilling in the bedroom like, hey, pal. I've seen a video where this family called... I don't know what they call it. Are they?

[00:05:30] Snake Man. Snake Wrangler. And they're like, yeah, we've got a snake in Daughter's playroom. So, in Daughter's playroom, right, in and amongst all the lack of little balls and stuff in corner, were one of the most deadliest snakes in Australia. Just in corner. And they would just catch up behind it. They would just chill. They were like, yeah, she told us. Daughter was like a four-year-old. Oh my god. I don't think I'd be able to save my child if a snake came towards it.

[00:06:00] Oh, really? No, because I'd be in that much fear. Would you use the snake, use the child as a shield? Well, no, I wouldn't be that far. Hold it up. Hold it up and then just bite that and then you can grab the snake. If I'm stood here and he's like, I don't know, say about 100 yards in front of me, and I see the snake coming towards him, I don't think I'd be able to get there because I'd be that frozen. You're saying you wouldn't take a snake bite for your son? I just don't think I'd be, I'm that scared of him. I don't think I'd move. Yeah, I'm saying the crocodiles. Like, I'd just be like, every man for it's him, mate.

[00:06:30] Like if I last fell in, fell in water and it was crocodile infested, I'd just be like, well, you're a fucking idiot. You better get your son out. Well, yeah, you should have a fucking fell out, should you? I'm not jumping in to save you. No point in both of his dying. So yeah, that's cool though. I like that one. Yeah. Even, by the mind, petrified snakes, guess what always comes up on my for you page? Snakes. Snakes. Just snakes. When I were on Instagram, that's what mine used to be. It used to be everything that I'm fucking petrified of. And I've never even fucking searched it. Yeah.

[00:06:58] Well no, I tell a lie, the first thing I ever do when I go to a different country. Search for snakes. I search for what the most deadliest snake is. Just in case it rocks up. Yeah, but don't you feel like you're just like pre-scaring yourself? Because you don't carry antivenom around with you. So what are you going to do if you see one? Well, die. Just die. That's it. Natural death. Even Black Medusa just looks at me, I'm dead. I'm just froze, I turn to stone. Right. I'm done. I think we should take you to the zoo. I've seen him in zoo. And take you to the reptile bit.

[00:07:28] I've seen him. And just let you come face to face with them. And trust me, I don't like it. I'd like to just watch you in Calgary. I always feel like the Harry Potter moment is going to happen. I'm just going to fall straight in it. I've been to a zoo where they've got crocodiles. And I thought that. I thought for some reason, this fence is just going to collapse and I'm going to fall in. This great big 20 foot fence. And everybody says, if you're scared of someone, oh you've got to do it just to face your fear. You can't with them. You can't go and start cuddling a crocodile. I can't go and start stroking a snake.

[00:07:56] It's different when it's heights and stuff like that. You can do it in a safe way. I can't safe way go and shake hands with a fucking crocodile, can I? And even if you do, it's going to be a drugged up, de-teethed crocodile. That's not what I'm scared of. I'm scared of what killer features it's got. Yeah. So, yeah. Nice. Anyway, shall I do my joke? Yeah, go on then. Right, okay. I really hope I hadn't done this one before. Oh, sorry. Shout out to Katie. Katie told me about that fact and then I found it. Oh, well done, Katie.

[00:08:25] Woo, Katie. Right, the joke is... So, my wife left a note on the fridge, said this isn't working. I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it is working. Nice. Funny. I need to start getting back into the dark humour once. But, anyway. Yeah. Yes. How are you? Stressed. Oh, yeah. Me too. Stressed, depressed and tired. Come on.

[00:08:56] Come on. It's exam season at the university, so I'm just like doing notebook revising slash do assessments and just wanting to blow my brains out. It was... Sorry. That was sympathy for you. Thank you. When you mean exam season, is it just like a month of just fucking boom, boom, boom, exam after exam? No. Not for me. Oh, is it like just one exam and you just call it one exam season? Oh, I've got two. So, it's still classed as exam season. Oh, my God.

[00:09:25] I haven't got two. Our last has got like six or seven, I think. Oh, my God. Well, let's see. I would say that is exam season. Yeah. For you, it's like exam week. But... Yeah. Exam week. The main thing I'm worried about is because the exams are essay style. So, they're not... I much prefer multiple choice because like I can... It's like... Well, probability, aren't you then? Yeah. You've got probability on your side. Well, it's not just that. The question... The way that he answers the question is like, oh yeah, I know what that is. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Do you have to handwrite it?

[00:09:55] No, because I'm dyslexic. I'm dyslexic. I don't know if you don't let me do it. Really? Yeah. So, you get like special permission to not handwrite it? Yeah. I get to use a computer. So, I get... It's still exam settings. Yeah. I get to use... You're just like the one fucking kid in a corner of a room that's like... No. No, no, no, no. There's probably like fucking... For this one exam... Well, they have like multiple people taking different exams at the same time sometimes. Yeah.

[00:10:24] But now, I'm not only one. I reckon there's probably about 50 in room that I'm in. And imagine the computer... Do you get marked on your spelling? Well, that's the thing. I'm dyslexic. So, so... So, they just throw that out the window then, do they? No. They just go, ah, it's fine. We know... We kind of know what you see. Yeah, it's fine. Really? I won't get marked down for my spelling. For like grammar and all that shit. Err, maybe grammar but not... I don't think I would get marked down for grammar. Maybe... Unless... Because I've got... It'll say outside of my name like a yellow sticker.

[00:10:54] Yeah. Which means that I've got a learning support plan because I'm dyslexic. Mm. So, that means that they'll know that I'm dyslexic. So, they'll take it lightly on my... On my spelling and stuff. I mean... Different, yeah. I shouldn't really spell wrong anyway because I've got autocorrect on my computer. That's why we're going for it. Because I... I didn't originally at first... Because on my first... It was like on my first year, they gave me access to computer. I'm like, great. You give me access to computer. I can write. But I still can't fucking spell. So, I had submitted my work and it was like...

[00:11:22] There were shit loads of spelling mistakes because you're under time pressure. So, I'm like typing right fast. So, there's fucking letters everywhere wrong. So, I went to them afterwards and said, look, can I have spell check? I don't think it's going to help me cheat or out. Have you ever spelled a word that wrong that many times? You're not even sure if it's a word anymore. Yeah. And I ran out of time in an exam because of that. I couldn't figure out where... I got stuck in a loop. I can't remember what word it is. I tried to spell it like seven times and then just completely omitted it and submitted it without that word. Is there one word that's quite easy but always catches you out?

[00:11:51] Like me, it's because. I always get that fucked up. Errr... Strategy. That is quite an odd word. It's because there's G's and that in it, isn't there? Yeah, I always put like extra R's in it and stuff. Yeah. Responsibility. That's an odd one. R-E-S-P-O-N. Response. S-E-A-B-I-L-I-T-Y. Sounds right, yeah.

[00:12:21] I think that's it. I don't know. Sounds right. Take your word for it. Yeah. But yeah, because it's an essay style exam, so you've got to do like a full essay for a question. So there'll be like six questions on my exam. And if I can't, if I don't know answer to any of them, I'm fucked basically. Do you have like a word count limit? No. You've got time limits. You've got, I think I've got two hours. So I've got two. Answer one question. So I've got two hours. So I've got two hours and I've got to answer two questions. Oh, okay. So it's one hour per question. Right, yeah.

[00:12:50] So I've got to try and have enough information in my head about the entire module to remember for any of these six questions and I don't know what the fuck they're going to be. So you spent all that year learning and it could just boil down to six questions. Yeah. Imagine if they've not taught you them six questions. They definitely teach you the stuff, but sometimes they get questions on like the fucking, I think it was one of my modules last year, right? The people said there won't be an exam question on this, so we're not going to teach it.

[00:13:20] And there were a fucking exam question on it. I'd have sued them. Yeah. But yeah, I mean, I've been doing pretty good. I'm well impressed to be honest. Have you got a study plan? Have you got a study buddy? No, no. I'm very bad at revising. I don't know what it is about my brain. It just doesn't want to revise. Is it? Maybe laziness? Maybe, but it's not entirely. Like I want to do it. It's just that I start doing it and then I start zoning out immediately. Yeah.

[00:13:50] Like I just get distracted. Maybe there's a hint of ADHD in there. Well, I think our last has definitely got ADHD and she was going through. Start with it. Yeah. She was going through like, because you've got like the right to choose thing and all that like, you know, to get your diagnosis. And she was going through all the things like, cause it was like a fucking hundred word question and she was going through. And she was going through. And she was reading questions to me cause I was helping her do it. And I'm like, hmm. Hmm.

[00:14:20] Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Suspicions have confirmed. Yeah. It's like, hmm. I seem to do a lot of those. Uh, so yes. I might, I might have to have a look at that as well. I'm just weird. Just got a weird brain. Yeah. It's not normal. No. Good luck. Have you done it? Are you doing it? What? The exams? Yeah. Have you done any of them? Nope. Not yet. When's the first one? Uh, next Friday and then Tuesday after that. Do you have them Omega 3?

[00:14:52] Brain juices? Uh, no. Why? Watch, I start taking some now. Fish oil. Yeah. Honestly. You'll smash it. So just squeeze it straight through your eyes. It will. Easy. Put it in your eyes. Eye drop it. I'll go and get some tomorrow. Do it. I'll do it. I'll do it. Has anyone ever farted in an exam? I just, I don't know. I think that would be amazing. I've farted in an exam. Like loud though. Yeah. Cause it's like, I don't, well I always picture it as like in like a big sports hall kind of thing. Well the room that I'm in. The picture echoing.

[00:15:20] Like I said, the room that I'm in there's probably about 30 to 50 people. I have farted in here but it weren't as loud as what you think it could have been. You know when I did my theory? Like your theory and you're sat in that room with a screen. I was like fucking nervous. I kept like farting out like every two seconds. Never is true. Yeah. I just kept doing it and doing it and doing it. It just kept rippling and rippling and rippling. And I thought, fuck. Someone's gonna fuck me with that. Before I got my dyslexia diagnosis, they made me do the handwritten thing and it were

[00:15:48] in like a proper, it were in a, it were in like a big proper sports hall thing. It's a bit harsh that, isn't it? Making a suspected dyslexic do an exam. Yeah, but they didn't know at the time and neither did I. Yeah. Like this was before I, this was before I realised. So yeah, so they did do it in that very big hall and it were just very weird. Like it would just, yeah. Everybody kept coughing, I kept distracted, getting distracted. That's it, it is, dude. Well, we'll see. Anyway, what have you been up to? I'm fuming.

[00:16:17] Why are you fuming? I'm fuming. I'm fuming. Because, and we don't normally talk about sport on this podcast, but obviously I'm a Man U fan. I know you are, but you like have lost Man U fan. Yeah, I'm just, I'm just so zoned out at the minute. And we lost the fucking final. What was the score? I didn't even know you were. We lost 1-0 to Spurs, who have never won in fucking 17 years in a final. Only that stupid fucking idiot in between sticks.

[00:16:45] You might as well have a dildo in there, he'd fucking move more than what he did. I'm just gonna guess because I can't remember who the team is, were it Oh No No? Yeah. Yeah. Honest, oh, honestly. He's diabolical, isn't he? He's shit. He's shit. I don't... Were it a stupid goal and all? Yeah. Yeah. Literally, I think he thought he went fucking Matrix he went in that much slow motion. Honestly. Shocking. So that, honestly, ruined me. Ruined my week. Pissed me off. Happened Wednesday. Sorry Paul. Still not over it.

[00:17:14] Just bought no manual shirt and all. Sent it back. Sent it back. Sent it back. Refund. Fucking that's it. Yeah, I don't know what it is lately, but I mean, I've not fell out with football, like I love football. It's just that I'm trying to cram so much stuff like into my head, you know, like I've got that much going on. You haven't got room for that mate. I've just had to take it out. If you need to get rid of stress levels, do not put that into your head. I've just had to completely take it out of your brain. Yeah. That does get, that gets blood pressure up that.

[00:17:41] How many beatings did you, did you get your misses when they lost? She just, do you know what she said? What? It's just a game. It's just a fucking game. Yeah. I've been committed to that team. Yeah. Since day of birth. Practically. Yeah. Okay. I've seen them win. I've seen them lose. But to lose the fucking spurs. Have you ever seen them draw? I've seen them draw. Yeah.

[00:18:13] It's, honestly, I just, I just want to die. It's that bad as being a fan at minute. It's only a game. She fucking knows. Throw this mic on. It's only a game. And then she's like going, Oh, are you upset? I pitched and like, tried to fucking night me up and that. Honestly, a fucking pacemaker were coming out. Yeah. I'd beat her. I was going to beat her. Get a string vest or we get stellar art. I want it. Fuck you. Oh. But apart from that, yeah. Nice. I go on holiday on Monday.

[00:18:43] Do you? Yeah. Where do you go? Milan. Fucking hell. You're always knocking about. I'm a fancy bitch. You're everywhere. I'm a fancy bitch. How do you do it? I'm a fancy bitch. How many holiday days have you got at work? A million. You just don't tell them. Just never say it. I got it for a present. So it were like kind of pre booked us. Okay. Nice. Becca got it there. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to Milan. Milan.

[00:19:12] To watch a fashion show. Concert. Concert. Then a fashion show. My favorite band all time. If they're listening to this, invite me backstage. Yeah. Kings of Leon. No. Imagine Dragons. I will fucking bum you if you give me the option. Straight up. Straight up. No foreplay mate. Okay. No give. Okay. I'm in there. Right. If that's what you want mate. I'm up in that. Okay. I hope they're listening.

[00:19:43] Like are you going to do that for something in return or is it just. Just if it presents itself. Okay. If the opportunity comes. Okay. I'm just letting them know I'm down. I'm down. Click this bit and email them. Send them that. I will. Send it to the PR person. But we're not only just doing that. I'm going to make your eight jealous. Mm-hmm. We're going to Lake Como. You fucking twat. Which I never even heard of. You're an asshole. I never even heard of it. You never even heard it and you go, you're an absolute asshole.

[00:20:13] So I see shit. Becca's fucked it all and she's like, oh we can do this Lake Como thing. I'm like, yeah, yeah, we can go on a lake if you want. If you, yeah, we can go on a boat trip on the lake. Me and Alas, I'd love to do that. And she were like, oh it's mint, it's this and that. I'm like, yeah, let's fucking go for it. We love Italy. I, I, I, if we ever get time, I'd like to like hire a car and just fucking spend like a month in Italy or something like that. What car would you hire? Fiat 500. Yeah, it's going to be a fucking Fiat, ain't it? A Punto. Fucking boom.

[00:20:43] You had a Punto, didn't you? Yeah. First car. Yeah, yeah. Remember that bad boy? Great little whip. It was, wasn't it? Yeah. I used to rag that about an hour. We're going like 50 mile an hour around a rand. Well, we left her it, when you got rid of it, probably just fucking wheels. I scrapped it. I had to scrap it. There was no point in selling it. I ruined it. I'd run it into the ground. I don't remember you bombing about in that. I remember driving back from, I was working in, where were I? I was working somewhere like two hours away and I had to use my own car for some reason. I think van went in for, er, er, something to do. I can't remember.

[00:21:13] Something went wrong with van. And er, on the way back, on M1, me fucking exhaust fell off. Just straight up fell off. Is that what I did? I'm guessing you broke that off. Well, I did and then I didn't. Because... Why did you stop and go and get it? No, I er, I pulled onto hard shoulder, went and got my exhaust, took it in boot, and then drove 20 mile an hour down hard shoulder till next exit. Why did you get it? It went at half seven. You what? How did you get it?

[00:21:40] Because I were on the left hand lane, so I was close to hard shoulder anyway. So it flung off and it flung off to its side. Oh, that's alright. So I went and got it. Are you supposed to go to one of them SOS phones? Yeah, they went one of those for like fucking three miles. Oh. Did no one help? No, it was like half seven at night. Did them pretend police men not come and help you? Er, I went faster than they were. Oh yeah. I pulled up on hard shoulder, went and got it, and fucking rang me father like shit,

[00:22:10] what do I do? Because I don't want to get towed. He was like, just drive right slow. Just drive right slow. Like at this point, you can't do any more fucking damage than what's already done, can you? But the car won't drive. Drive it Jack! Just drive it! So I drove it at like 20 miles an hour down hard shoulder until I got to, and then until it got to turning, then I went and parked in services. Oh wow. And then somebody came and got it next morning. I broke down once. Did you? Yeah. Do you know where New York stadium is? Yep. Rotherham Stadium.

[00:22:39] Yeah, I'm going to say, let's just clarify that. Er, football stadium. Did you break down on that dual carriageway? Yeah. Oh, fucking hell. What a place. It was my own fault and all. Why? Because I didn't put oil in the car. You fucking twat. Fucking, oh I could've, ugh. So, I got it, remember that white car? It was a white car, so full on pedo car like. And I got it, and I got it on a five year deal. Yeah. HP thing. Fucking boom. Every month.

[00:23:08] Here you go, here you go, here's money, here's money, here's money. Right, gets to my last month. Boom. You're paid. Get letter through. Brilliant. Oh, the car's yours. That's it. You own the car. Fucking week later, I popped out and it was gone. Just died. Engine just blew up. Whoops. I had to scrap it. You fucking idiot. I just, I can't buy it. I just can't get back in finance.

[00:23:36] Well I just tried five years so hard of getting harder. Yeah. Had to get straight back into it. Fuck it. You do remind me I need to check oil on my car actually. Yeah, well yeah, it's quite important apparently to operate a car. You need to get, you need that oil in. I'll have a look to my honor. I've just, I've just had breaks at this store of mine at MOT. Cause, uh, my breaks have been squeaky for the best part of two months. So I just told them straight up. I said, breaks need doing, but I'm just going to straight up say that this need doing as well. Uh, and you're just going to think if you're honest to him, they might cut you a deal or something. I'm going to save you a job pal.

[00:24:06] Before you look at it, they're fucked. Um, and I said, I said, I said, I said to him when he came back, came back and dropped my car off. He said, uh, I said, I thin with break pads. They said, they were like fucking wafer biscuits. Fucking right thing. Sorry. I'm just ordering some food. Yeah. Billy's ordering a gear Ross as we speak right now on just eat cause it pays that much attention to what we're doing. You won't want.

[00:24:36] No, I don't want anything. Anyway, while speaking of that, let's just have a quick break for ads while I get this. Yeah. Ooh. While Billy orders a gear Ross, think about his adverts. Abs. See you in a minute. Bye. Welcome back. Uh. Hello. I've ordered my gear Ross. Oh no, I haven't. That's a lie. I am. You're still doing it. No, cause it says I need to add five pound to get it delivered. I need to buy some for five pounds to get it delivered. Well, you're going to have to buy an extra kebab. Oh.

[00:25:06] Well, do you want one? No, I don't. I've already had my dinner. Oh. What's chips with feta? Chips with feta? Do you not know what feta is? Oh, it's cheese, innit? Yeah. Like cheese. Yeah. Real cheese. Well, it's cheese, but it won't melt. Oh, get it Rebecca. Do you know what, um, I'll tell you in a minute after you've finished ordering. Go on, you're alright. I'm, I'm, I'm back in there. So, I bought some filo pastry the other day, right? V-I-L-O? F-I-L-O. Oh, F-I-L-O. All right?

[00:25:33] So it's like a, it's the sort of pastry that you use when you like, uh, do Greek dishes. Um, and I got some feta cheese and wrapped that in load of, a load of, uh, a load of, what is it called? I've just said it. I've just said the word. Feta. No. I got a lot of feta. Cheese. I got a lot of feta cheese and I wrapped it in. Foil. Nand bread. No. Giros. No, the, the pastry. What was, what was the pastry called? Puff. No. Pastry. No, no, no, no. It's not puff.

[00:26:01] Uh, uh, I've literally just said it. Flaky. Yes, it is flaky, but what is, sausage roll pastry. No, I don't know. I've literally just said it. What did I say? Feta cheese in, in pastry. Gourmet. Pastry. No, in pastry. What? There's only pastry, it's just one word. It began with an F. F. F. F. No. Er, filo. Filo. F. F. Fettering filo.

[00:26:30] And I did it with some walnuts and a load of onion stuff. Fucking hell, it was right nice. It was right nice. I'm going to do it for you one day. And you can try it. It's fucking very good. Okay. Sorry, that was just random. Yeah. Yeah, I haven't eaten today, so. So you thought the first thing that you should eat. I'm on holiday. The first thing that you should eat is, is a Giros. I'm on holiday. Okay. I'm having Greek now. Italian Monday. Okay.

[00:27:00] Pizza? Anyway, I did some it, I tried some it. What? So I sent it, because you're like literally off all social media now. I've sent us a question out to us listeners. Okay. And we actually got quite a few responses. Did we? Yeah. Okay. And what? So I asked a question. I'm not going to lie guys, I generated it. The question. Yeah. You're not interacting with us, you're interacting with AI. Anyway, the question was, so I've picked two that I think were funny. Okay. One's really funny.

[00:27:29] So, you know, the thing was, we want to hear from you. If you could only communicate by using movie quotes for a day, which quote would you use the most and why? For a what? Date? Day. Day. Okay. Okay. So, one of the responses, I'm not sending it in. One of the responses was, I feel the need for speed. You know the movie quote, don't you? Mm-hmm. I feel the need for speed. For when I'm running up the stairs with a light off.

[00:27:59] What? Yeah. Is that a movie quote? No, that's the reason why he'd say it. Oh! I'm going to say it. What a weird quote! Yeah. Let me find the other one. That was quite funny. This one, this one, my best. It's a bit fucking... Oh, I've lost it. Let me find it. One sec, one sec, one sec, one sec. Check the mic. Are these randos or people that we actually know? A couple, a bit of both. A bit of both. A bit of both.

[00:28:27] The one that happened was... So, the movie's from Scary Movie. Mm-hmm. The quote, I mean. And it's, run, bitch, run! When I turn up to school with an AK-47. Oh, okay. Alright, okay. Fucking hell. Fucking hell, that's a bit ruthless. That was funny though. That was funny. So, I'm going to send some of them out every week. Alright, okay. And just get that, you know what I mean? What platform did you get the most engagement on?

[00:28:57] Err, Insta. Instagram, okay. No one responded on Twitter. That's because I never use it. Okay, yeah. Or we never use it. Well, yeah. I'm still not on social media. Well. Err, I've been learning how to play chess. Why? Who with? Err, Duolingo. What? Exactly. Yeah. So, I've been on there to learn Greek. So, she teaches you languages. Yeah, so I've been on there learning Greek. And err, then it popped up like two days ago saying, we've now got chess on here. Learn how to play chess.

[00:29:27] So, I've played chess, like, a lot. Any good? Err, are you good? I think I'm alright. Okay. We'll play a chess battle in a bit. Well, I don't know how to play it. Well, it'd be good practice for me. You're just gonna win. I'm just gonna start moving fucking things. And I had to do checkers. Err, I've never played checkers. Oh, it's easier. Like, you just go diagonal and you go diagonal if yours is there and mine's there. It jumps over yours and I win your checker. Well, that's... It's almost kind of the same as checkers.

[00:29:56] If you know bases of checkers, I reckon you might find it easier. The chess? You might find it moderately... Moderate learning chess. What's checkmate? Is it where you get your king to the other end of the board? No, checkmate is where errr... It's... It's a heart... What is it? It's fucking hell. Is it a queen? Is it a queen? No, it's not queen. It's errr... Is it king? I don't know. Errr, so your main piece gets checked. So basically... What is the main piece? What is the main piece called? It's not queen.

[00:30:26] It'd be your king. So are I right? Yeah. So when your king gets to the opposite end of the board? No. It's if... If I put my piece in a place where my next move I could collect your king, that means you'd lose. Right, so it's the battle of the kings. So... Yeah, basically. So it's the... The way that you win is the first person to collect... The king. The other person's king. Right, okay. But if you get your little small piece... You know the... Pawns? Yes. Pawns. I was going to say... Not prones.

[00:30:56] Not prones. Why do I know it more than you? I don't know why you know it more than me. That's quite impressive. Errr, not for the... That sounded condescending. Errr, I didn't mean it to be. Errr, the pawns, right? If you get it all the way to the other end without being captured, but your pawns can only move... Errr... Straight. Straight one. If you get it to the other player's side and get it all to the other side, you can swap that pawn for a knight, a horse.

[00:31:25] What do you mean you can swap it? You can't swap them. They're all on board, aren't they? No, so that pawn, right? If I get that all the way to the end, I'm on last square. Yeah. So I'm on the opposite team's side. Yeah. I can take that off and swap that for a queen, a knight, a jockey, or something else. A bishop. Bishop. Bishops can only go diagonally. Errr, a knight or a... It's like a... Something can do too, can't it? It's a castle.

[00:31:51] That can go, as long as it wants straight or as long as it wants sideways, your queen can go like in a star shape, basically. Wow. And your jockey can do like an L shape. Wow. How many you won? Errr, I'll tell you if you want. I won 10 games. Yeah. So... I've been learning at the same time. Just a question, how you... Obviously you're off social media. Mm-hmm. What are you doing while you're shitting? Errr... Playing chess?

[00:32:20] No, just shitting and leave. How? What? Eh. Unless I'm playing chess or doing duolingo. Weird. So you can... You're just sitting down? Yeah. Yeah. Dropping... Dropping your load. Yeah. And then you just get up and go... Obviously do with the wiping and shit, but... Er... Yeah. That's so weird. Do you know that you can actually get hemorrhoids from sitting on the toilet too much? I have hemorrhoids. Do you? Is this how you're announcing it to everybody? Have you never seen that? No. Er... So...

[00:32:49] I can't tell you how many games I've played, but I have... I have won five, lost one, and drawed four. How many you lost? One. You've lost what? And you got it on fucking easy or something? Errr... No. No. But to be fair, it probably knows that... Why is it set for kids? It doesn't, you moron. I'm only on like a unit two of like actually learning it, so... I just don't understand why a Duolingo would... Just... No, neither do I.

[00:33:18] Stop randomly inviting you to play chess. It's on the same app as that I learn language on, so it's just easy. Yeah, but does it not like even challenge it and say let's play chess in Spanish or something? No, because what... You could play chess in any fucking language. Yeah, but that's what I mean. That purpose of that app is to learn your different language. Do you know what? Send email to Duolingo, because that's actually quite a good idea. It is. You could put like Greek in all that like... Because I'm learning Greek, you could put Greek in all that like letters and stuff. Yeah, so when it says na, it's in Greek. And you'll go... Whatever Greek is.

[00:33:51] Is that a German more than all else? Yeah, that. That's a good idea, I bet they've not thought that. Yeah, so I've won five, lost one and drawn four, and I keep drawing because... Good stats then. The only reason why I keep drawing, it's not drawing as in me being shittiest, it's me being best. It just, it keeps moving his king, and I can't ever corner him into a point where I fucking, I can just get him, do you know what I mean? Because you can't have to like corner him, unless you can do like a rate good thing from the beginning. And I can't, I keep failing to corner him, and it's annoying.

[00:34:21] Yeah, I can't tell you any strategy to stop doing that. No, neither can I. That's fine. I can't help you. Maybe we get a chess master. Do you know what? I'm actually enjoying it though, because you've got to really think about things like quite far in front to do it. Because you've got to think, if I move my piece there, he's going to move there. Then I can move there, then he's going to move here. Then I can move that, then he's going to move that. So you have to kind of think like eight steps ahead. So why, why, why, why have you been playing chess instead of revising? I'm revising on my free time. You what? No, you should be playing chess on my free time.

[00:34:52] Wrong way, wrong way, right? I'm playing chess on my free time. Is chess like a bit of a warm up for your brain to then revise? Yeah, I mean, I like a stretch. I'll revise for a bit, and then I'll have like 10-15 minutes just chilling out. Well, 20 minutes. I'll watch a bit of TV, and then I'll play a bit of chess, and then we'll go back to revising. You sound such a good old man. It's brain stimulating. Anyway, should we do a segment? Yeah, we should. Because my food will be here. I'm not very hungry. You sounded like Eric Cartman then.

[00:35:22] Oh, at South Park. Yeah. Have you heard him sing Lincoln Park? Yeah, it's actually really good. Yeah, it's fucking mint, isn't it? Right, segment today. Also, just quickly, because we've not even mentioned it. This is the third podcast since there's rebrand. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's rebranded. It's a different logo. We've changed his logo. You can actually see mine and Billy's face now on there. We look good. Shocker, I'm bald. I didn't used to be, but yeah.

[00:35:49] You're actually pulling quite a good pose, face. Okay. And I look like, just casually looking up. Yeah. Shout out to John, too solid like that. Yeah. It's not even called John. It's called Damien. Yeah. I don't know where. Sorry. I don't know where John came from. It's called Damien. It's Damien. It's going to kill him. Eh, let's do the song.

[00:36:16] Segment time, segment time, it is segment time. Yeah. Whoa. Booyakasha. Eh, today's segment is called Desert Island. Desert Island. Desert Island. Desert Island. It means we're on a desert island. We're on a desert island. Or we're going to a desert island. We're on a desert island. Okay. But you're only allowed certain things.

[00:36:45] Well, if I'm already there, I've already got them. Okay. Well, no. No. Let's just stop that right now. Okay. You're on a desert island and- Well, I've already got them then. No. Let me finish. And you're going to ask for summit and it's going to get parachuted in. Okay. Well, if it's getting parachuted in, that means that I'm connected to the outside world, so why can't you just come and save me? It's a bit of a fucking lost situation, you know what I mean? It's not real, but it is real. I've never watched it. God, you're so relatable.

[00:37:17] So if I'm connected to the outside world, why can't I just ask for everything that I want? Right. I'm connected- Who's dropping stuff off? You're fucking in Ireland and I'm over here. I'm already on Ireland. And you're on Ireland, I'm over here. You need certain stuff, but you can only have one of them. I'm going to get it to you somehow. Why? Because that's the game. Why can't you just phrase it the way- You phrase it then. Alright. You explain it. You've got to survive on a desert island for a month. Okay. What are you fetching with you?

[00:37:49] No, that's wrong. Why is it wrong? Because you get choices. You have choices. Okay. Sorry, I'm just taking off the segment and you carry on. I don't want to do it anymore. I'd have done it that way. I don't want to do it anymore. Okay. Who wants to be on a desert island first? Well, not me. We're not on it together. What does that mean then? I'd eat you. Erm. I'd like to see you try to run off. No, because I'm going to ask you a question. I can run. Can you? If there's food inside.

[00:38:18] Do you think you could outrun me? If you were looking like a big juicy steak, yes. I would fucking catch you. Okay. Erm. That's what Pips is and then that decides who's on island first. Three, two, one, go. Your hands are so sweaty. I know. Why? Because I've been touching my penis. Oh! Erm. There, you're on island. Okay. So you're on the island. Right. So Jack, you're going on island. And, right.

[00:38:47] You can only take with you. I saw lights on the cart. Oh, I think this is your food, by the way. Oh my god, that's amazing. Right, segment done. I'm joking. Erm. So Becca's going to get you food then, yeah? She's going to eat it. Right, we're going to have to fly through this. No, it's fine. Erm. So you're on the island. Yep. Or you're going to on the island. Right. You can only take one book. Which book are you taking?

[00:39:16] Yeah, but you're saying I can only take, I'm already on the island, so I'll have took it. Before you go to the island. Thank you! It's just, he's throwing my brain that you're saying I'm already there, but I'm... Before you go to the island. Right, okay, yes. You can only take one book. Okay. What book are you taking? Errr, how to survive on a desert island. It's a good book. Yeah. It's a good read. 101. Right. Okay, the next bit, before you go on to the desert island, I'll be specifying. Yeah.

[00:39:45] You can only take one source of liquid in one bottle. What are you taking? Water. Right. What, what, yeah, okay. No, wouldn't you take like, blue gazette or something? Absolutely not. You're going to dehydrate yourself, I'll just take water. Thank you. You've got multiple nutrition in that one drink. You think lucazade's more nutritious than water? Yeah, it's got glucose in it. Right. I think I'd rather just have water.

[00:40:14] I think the lucazade's going to make you more thirsty. And you're going to want more water. Like lucazade's bar, not the fizzy one. Yeah, you're going to want more water. You're going to be dehydrated after it. Okay. One choice of, apart from any guns, one manual weapon. Manual weapon? Or tool. One weapon tool. And I can't have a gun? No. You can have a gun.

[00:40:43] You can tell I'm just making this up. You can have a gun, but you can only have one bullet. And then I don't want a gun. I will have a... You can shoot yourself if you want. No. I will have a... So it's a desert island. It's a desert island. No. That implies that there should be a decent coral reef around near the island. So I will take a decent fishing spear. Okay. Do you not want something more so you can do like constructive...

[00:41:12] Construction? No, I want something so that I can catch food. Okay. But you need it also to protect yourself. Yeah. So the fishing spear will also double as a spear. Yeah, but let's say a fucking dinosaur, isn't it? What fucking desert island am I on? It's my island! What desert island am I on? Why is there a dinosaur? Because it's deserted and no one's been there before. Right. Most desert islands have not got massive predators on them. Apart from like the one that's got Komodo dragons on.

[00:41:41] Well, have you heard of snake island? No. Speaking of snakes. So in my case, a spear would work. Okay, well fine, I have a spear. Would it not? Yeah, to catch fish. Guess what? There's no fish on the island! You fucking dickhead! Then I will use my fishing spear and turn it into a snake wrangling spear and I will stab snakes and I will eat snakes. Right, last question.

[00:42:08] What you can take one person with you, who are you taking? Bear Grylls. And why? Bear Grylls. He's fake. Did you not say that? He's fake. Yeah, but he actually knows things just because he doesn't do them all the time on every fucking episode. Mate, he's googling it. He's not googling it. He's googling it. Someone's in his ear in the show and saying right now, tell him that if you do this and this and this. Yeah, but how many episodes do you think he's ever done on things? It's going to stick in. Right, put it this way. If I take Bear Grylls, I'm going to survive longer than if I take you, Arna.

[00:42:38] I'd take... no. No! No! Right, okay. No, I'd keep you more alive than Bear. You'd think? Yeah. You'd turn on me in like day two and try and eat me. You've already said you were going to try and eat me. In half an hour. Yeah. You're looking damn tasty over there. Bear Grylls is going to have me set up a fucking wooden mansion and we're going to be eating steak somehow. No, but I'm warmer. You don't know what Bear's like. Well, I'm warmer. I'm naturally warmer than Bear. Bear's going to build me a fire, Billy.

[00:43:07] I can build you a fire. No, you can't. Fetch a lighter with me. Right, okay. So you're going to fetch Bear? He's your guy on your desert island. Yep. Okay. That's it. You need to ask me now. Okay. I don't remember the questions that you've asked, so I'm just going to make them up. Am I on the island? No, you're going to the island. Okay. I've kidnapped you. Okay. I've kidnapped you, put a blindfold on you and I'm taking you to the island. And it's my sick twisted game that I'm only going to give you certain things.

[00:43:37] So you turned into Saw. Saw, but desert island. I like a play game. Yeah. Tropical edition. Summer version. Saw summer. So. Yeah. Have you got the questions written down? Because I can't remember. No, I just met them up. Right, okay. Right, you were getting it big and early and saying, I could just do this off the top of my head. Alright, okay.

[00:44:07] One book that you'd take. Right, that was the first question I asked. Yeah. One book I'd take. Yeah. Right. Right, I would take a book about animals. Okay. Like a knowledgeable book about animals. Okay. I'm going to learn them. You're going to learn it all? I'm going to learn it. Are you going to learn all that before you starve? No. Because I'm going to learn which animals I can eat. Okay. Yeah, I think you can eat most animals, can't you? Maybe not.

[00:44:37] Maybe not. Maybe I can't eat. I think as long as you cook it, I think you can eat anything. I don't think you can. You can't eat a blowfish. You'd die. Blowfish? You mean a pufferfish? Yeah. I would call it a pufferfish. I think you actually can eat a pufferfish. Yeah, but you have to cook it in like a very secret way. But you can still eat it. In a special way. Okay, alright, fair. And I'm going to learn, because if I get a book about knowledge, knowledge on animals, if one attacks me, I can kind of like Dr. Doolittle it. Okay. And like befriend it.

[00:45:06] You're going to befriend it, are you? I'm going to. Right. And then they're going to protect me. So, in my scenario that I had when I had a fishing spear, you threw a dinosaur at me. So, I'm going to throw a dinosaur at you. I've got a pet dinosaur. Right, okay. I'm going to do the Jurassic Park thing. I'm going to put my hand up. He's going to stroke me. I'm going to stroke him. Okay. Yeah, go on. I think mine were a good book. Your manual weapon of choice. What are you taking? Manual weapon. I am taking...

[00:45:38] I am taking... A hammer. You're taking a hammer? Yeah. Why? Close-range blows. Don't come near me. Good for cracking coconuts. Yeah, you see the thing is, you could make a hammer. How? There's no steel on the island. You don't need steel to make a hammer. You could get stone and a stick. No, mine's better. Because I... Yeah. Okay. And what are you going to do with that hammer? Build things.

[00:46:08] How are you going to cut things down? With the fork bit on the other end of it. Like what you used to pull nails out. You think you're going to cut... Scrape trees and that. Okay. Okay. Fair. And then if ult comes in, mate, fucking bang! Right. See you later, if I ain't befriended it. See, in my scenario, I had a spear, so I've got quite a decent amount of distance between me and what's coming in me. You've got a hammer, so you're going to have to get very close distance to it. Yeah, but what...

[00:46:35] So if you're all that petrified of snakes, and you've got a hammer, you're fucked, mate. I'm gone, mate. I'm bolted. I'm gone. I'm up a tree. See, a hammer is too close. You're too close to everything. If a big animal comes to you with your spear, and you joust it, it'll get stuck inside it. I'll just pull it straight back. And then there might be a fucking another one behind you. That works in the same case for you. You can only swing your hammer at one thing at one time. Yeah, but I can go like bang, bang, bang! Like John Wickett.

[00:47:04] I can do that with my spear? You can't because you've got to stab, and then you're like, oh shit, it's stuck. When I hit it, it's just the impact blow in it. It's not going in anything. Okay. So you'll stab it and go, oh no, my spear's stuck in the next minute. Fucking T-Rex has got you. Alright, I want to rephrase mine. I want a spear, and then on the other end of it, it's got a hammer blade on it. Alright. That's still the same situation. It's still going to get stuck. Yeah, it'll get stuck, but I'll leave it in and then I'll go bang like that. Right. I think we're going to do great on this island.

[00:47:35] You're liquid. You're going to say look as a sport, aren't you? Red Bull. You're taking a fucking Red Bull. Use your wings. You're a fucking idiot. No, I'd probably take... Hmm. But you could actually take some, like just pure spirit, and then you've got light fluid. Like vodka? Yeah. That's a good shout, and at least I'm having a good time. You can drink and you've got light fluid. Vibing. Yeah. And then... There's no water, but... Well, yeah.

[00:48:05] Unless there's fresh water on the island, I should have asked that. Is there fresh water on the island? Okay, then. I'll keep my... You have to wait until it rains. I'll keep my one answer of water then. Yeah. Are there coconuts on the island? Yes, because I've used it on my island to crack the coconuts up. Okay. Well, you could technically just drink coconut water. Yeah. So we're getting a bottle of vodka. A bottle of vodka? A bottle of vodka. We're putting it in the coconuts. Malibu? Malibu. Fucking there we go. Sorted. I think that's how it was made.

[00:48:33] Well, to be fair, Malibu is rum, not vodka. No, but... One person you can take him with you. One person I'm taking with me. Right, I'm a bit split with this. I've got Elon Musk. Okay. Because I feel like he'd just figure his way out of it. Okay. I'm taking somebody who was a member of a tribe. You can only take one person. No, no, no, no. This is what my decision is split between these. A guy who's like in a tribe. Mm-hmm. Like a tribe man. Yeah.

[00:49:05] Or like some kind of engineer. Right, okay. So you've got two issues there with the first two that you mentioned. Elon Musk is absolutely fantastic. He's a genius. But he's not a survivalist. Like if you put... Yeah, but he's smart, isn't he? He'll figure it away. He's smart, yeah. But again, he's not a survivalist. What? Like if you just put him on Desert Island, I don't think he'd last long. Why? Because his brain doesn't work that kind of way. Yeah, but he'll figure something out, won't he? Do you think? He's like always computing and doing like... That doesn't...

[00:49:34] That doesn't necessarily negate to actual survival skills. Figure it out. Two, your tribal person. Mm-hmm. I'm just presuming that there's gonna be an absolute fucking language barrier. I'll learn it. You're gonna learn the tribal language? Or I'll teach him mine. Right, okay. Easy. Okay. We've got a lot of time. Okay. What about my engineer? What's an engineer gonna do without tools? He's gonna build... He's got a hammer.

[00:50:03] He's got a hammer. He's gonna build something. Alright, you've got a hammer. You need to build me a three-story house, please. No. Well, he could also build something to like escape. Right. Okay. I've got to pick one, don't I? I'm sticking with my tribe guy. Yeah, okay. My tribe guy. Your tribe guy is probably the best one that you could have built. My tribe guy. He'll protect me. Yeah. And he's... Yeah. Cool. So we survived. Well, I survived. After being attacked by a fucking dinosaur.

[00:50:34] Yeah. What's... There's no fun if you can't do make-believe. That's fair. Err, cheers guys. Thanks guys. Billy's gonna go get his gear off. I'm starving. Yeah. See ya. See ya later. Bye. Bye. This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit Podomity.com.