EP 27 - Riddles

[00:00:03] Shall we do a podcast?

[00:00:05] What will we even call it?

[00:00:06] MindMap!

[00:00:07] Alright, go on then.

[00:00:22] Welcome back to another episode of MindMap with Billy and Jack.

[00:00:25] Nobody fucking cares about that.

[00:00:27] Did you know that the blue whale is the largest known animal that has ever existed on planet Earth?

[00:00:33] Right now?

[00:00:35] Ever.

[00:00:36] Ever?

[00:00:37] Including dinosaurs.

[00:00:38] It can't be.

[00:00:39] Blue whale is the biggest animal that has ever existed on this planet.

[00:00:42] What about a megalodon?

[00:00:44] An adult blue whale can grow up to a massive 30 meter long and weigh more than 180,000 kilograms.

[00:00:52] That's about the same as 40 elephants, 30 Tyrannosaurus rexers or 2,670 average size men.

[00:01:01] Wow.

[00:01:03] I still find it hard to believe though.

[00:01:05] Shall we google how big a megalodon is?

[00:01:08] What other big animals is there?

[00:01:11] Megalodon, moussuna.

[00:01:15] Well, the way I've got that from says that blue whale is the biggest animal that has ever lived.

[00:01:20] The thing in fucking Drastic World where it jumps out at water and...

[00:01:23] Yeah, it's bigger than that.

[00:01:24] It's bigger than that?

[00:01:25] Yeah.

[00:01:26] Size.

[00:01:27] Wow.

[00:01:28] Approximate size of a megalodon.

[00:01:29] Let's have a look.

[00:01:30] So out of all the animals...

[00:01:32] Yeah?

[00:01:33] That one thing has got bigger but the rest of them have got smaller.

[00:01:36] Yeah.

[00:01:38] Don't know why.

[00:01:39] Estimates suggest megalodon actually grew between 15 and 18 meters in length.

[00:01:46] Whereas you've got a blue whale that's nearly twice the size of that.

[00:01:51] Wow.

[00:01:52] Don't fuck about with a blue whale then.

[00:01:54] Yeah, it's a good job it's peaceful isn't it?

[00:01:56] Can you imagine if that were a fucking carnivore?

[00:01:58] Did you know they get barnacles stuck onto them?

[00:02:00] What, whales?

[00:02:01] Yeah.

[00:02:02] And that's why they jump out at water and slam on... slam.

[00:02:06] Are you sure that's why?

[00:02:08] Yeah.

[00:02:09] I don't think that's the case.

[00:02:10] It is, I've seen it on TikTok.

[00:02:14] I saw something funny the other day, right, that were actually like...

[00:02:19] You know when Facebook was just being invented and it was just coming on

[00:02:25] and can you remember your mum would show you something on Facebook

[00:02:27] and believe it was real and it was just so obviously fake?

[00:02:29] Yeah.

[00:02:30] We're now becoming that generation that sees everything on TikTok

[00:02:34] that thinks it's fucking real.

[00:02:35] It is real.

[00:02:37] I don't think it is.

[00:02:38] It is.

[00:02:39] There might be some truth to it but I don't think that's the sole reason

[00:02:41] that whales jump out at water.

[00:02:42] Well, it might not be the only reason but that,

[00:02:44] I think that's why, the main reason why we do it.

[00:02:47] Are you sure?

[00:02:48] Do you know that there is...

[00:02:51] Do you know what a sea cucumber is?

[00:02:54] There's a fish that's specifically evolved to fit inside its anus

[00:02:58] when predators come by.

[00:02:59] So there's a fish that's like the same size as this sea cucumber's anus

[00:03:04] and it goes in it and hides out when there's a predator around

[00:03:07] and it pops its head out of its anus and just looks around

[00:03:09] looking for this predator.

[00:03:11] So which one's the predator?

[00:03:13] The fish that can go in the anus?

[00:03:15] No, neither of them.

[00:03:17] The sea cucumber is just a thing that exists on floor.

[00:03:19] I think it's alive but...

[00:03:21] Well, it's obviously alive.

[00:03:22] It fucking moves around and shit.

[00:03:23] So it just bums any fish to hide?

[00:03:25] No, the fish hides in the sea cucumber's anus.

[00:03:29] The sea cucumber's like fucking coral or whatever you want

[00:03:32] but it's alive.

[00:03:33] I don't know what it actually is.

[00:03:35] So it's like a square, it's like a rectangle.

[00:03:39] That's what the sea cucumber looks like but it's alive.

[00:03:41] But this fish is like the same size as its anus

[00:03:45] so when a bigger fish comes looking to eat that fish

[00:03:48] it goes and hides in this fucking sea cucumber's asshole.

[00:03:51] I bet they fucking love it.

[00:03:52] Well...

[00:03:53] They've got to have, haven't they?

[00:03:54] It's a mutualistic relationship, isn't it?

[00:03:56] Yeah.

[00:03:57] Fucking get in here like...

[00:03:58] This fish gets safe and this fucking sea cucumber gets fucking tickled.

[00:04:02] Do you reckon they've got feelings like that?

[00:04:04] I don't know.

[00:04:05] If it's a plant?

[00:04:06] We might be laughing and this sea cucumber's just getting raped on the daily

[00:04:09] by fucking random fish.

[00:04:12] Get a petition up.

[00:04:17] But yeah, blue whales are the biggest animals that's ever existed

[00:04:19] and they're existing in our lifetime.

[00:04:21] That's mad. There's only like ten of them left though, isn't there?

[00:04:23] I don't know, Billy.

[00:04:24] I think there's a bit more than that.

[00:04:25] Yeah, there might be.

[00:04:26] Did you ever hear the...

[00:04:27] I think they're really small numbers though, aren't they?

[00:04:28] Did you ever hear the SpongeBob theory?

[00:04:31] There's a SpongeBob theory.

[00:04:32] Yeah.

[00:04:33] About?

[00:04:34] SpongeBob.

[00:04:35] The actual show?

[00:04:36] Yeah, the cartoon.

[00:04:37] Right.

[00:04:38] So you know Mr. Krabs?

[00:04:39] Yes.

[00:04:40] Well he's got his daughter, hasn't he?

[00:04:42] Right.

[00:04:43] Pearl.

[00:04:44] That's the whale.

[00:04:45] That's the whale.

[00:04:46] Yeah.

[00:04:47] So the theory is that Mr. Krabs...

[00:04:48] Mr. Krabs!

[00:04:49] ...came across Pearl's mother dead.

[00:04:54] Oh, an etter?

[00:04:56] No.

[00:04:58] Kepter, the mother.

[00:05:00] And that's the secret ingredient to the Krabby Patty.

[00:05:04] Oh, oh yeah, there's meat.

[00:05:07] And then the reason why he's raising Pearl is because then he's got another resource...

[00:05:15] Alright, okay.

[00:05:16] ...of meat and that's why he spoils her and buys her whatever she wants and spends

[00:05:20] all money on her.

[00:05:21] Right, okay.

[00:05:22] So he's waiting for her to get big enough to kill her and use her meat.

[00:05:28] That's very dark.

[00:05:29] That's very dark for a children's TV show.

[00:05:31] I know.

[00:05:32] I love that TV show.

[00:05:33] I used to watch that up until like, I don't know, six months ago.

[00:05:36] Six months ago?

[00:05:37] Have they stopped it now?

[00:05:39] No, there's like new seasons coming out and stuff.

[00:05:41] Can't be.

[00:05:42] I used to love watching that TV show.

[00:05:44] Are you a goofy?

[00:05:45] I was raised off that show.

[00:05:46] Are you a goofy goober?

[00:05:47] That film's fantastic.

[00:05:48] Are you a goofy goober?

[00:05:49] Yeah.

[00:05:50] I am a goofy goober.

[00:05:51] Do you know what?

[00:05:53] Me and Emma watched Other Day as well, which are one of my favourite films

[00:05:58] growing up as a kid.

[00:05:59] Atlantis.

[00:06:00] That fucking brilliant film.

[00:06:02] It's way good.

[00:06:03] Emma's not that bothered about it and I'm watching it and thinking this is fucking

[00:06:06] fantastic.

[00:06:07] Where they're in them little like weird submarine things flying about and then she's like,

[00:06:11] oh what is it?

[00:06:12] She like turns blue with summer, doesn't she?

[00:06:14] Oh, Kida.

[00:06:15] Yeah.

[00:06:16] And the-

[00:06:17] I watched it other day as well.

[00:06:18] The mole.

[00:06:19] What's he called?

[00:06:20] Is he called Mole?

[00:06:21] He's called Mole, yeah.

[00:06:22] He's called- he's hilarious.

[00:06:23] He's when he fucking goes into that plant pot and he just bruises when he's going

[00:06:25] to-

[00:06:27] That's all right, yeah.

[00:06:28] That's all right.

[00:06:29] Milo!

[00:06:30] His name's Milo.

[00:06:31] It is.

[00:06:32] And that's your dog.

[00:06:33] Yeah.

[00:06:34] Maybe I subconsciously called him Milo because I love that film.

[00:06:36] Yeah.

[00:06:37] But yeah, it's fantastic.

[00:06:38] Yeah, it's a good film.

[00:06:39] Have you noticed that- well, I've not noticed it because I ain't got a kid,

[00:06:43] but apparently there's like a trend going on in it of like people- like today's

[00:06:49] parents giving the kids old TV shows and giving them old movies because the

[00:06:54] TV shows and movies today are just complete garbage that have got no messaging

[00:06:59] and whatsoever.

[00:07:00] Yeah.

[00:07:01] Like we grew up on like TV shows that taught you about actual things like

[00:07:05] fucking morality and stuff like that in like weird ways that you can explain

[00:07:08] to children and stuff.

[00:07:09] Whereas if you look at some kids' programs today, they're just absolute

[00:07:12] bullshit.

[00:07:13] See, like my younger- absolutely buzzed.

[00:07:15] Like, sorry, Bluey.

[00:07:17] That's apparently one- that's a new one that's got like an old concept

[00:07:20] like the teacher stuff.

[00:07:21] Oh, right.

[00:07:22] But yeah, go on, sorry.

[00:07:23] Jungle Book.

[00:07:24] I wasn't ever a fan of Jungle Book, mate.

[00:07:26] I don't know.

[00:07:27] But like he loved it, like the proper-

[00:07:29] The old one.

[00:07:30] The 1946 one or whatever it was.

[00:07:32] Absolutely loved it as a kid.

[00:07:34] But it's weird, they don't like make things that-

[00:07:36] But there's no message in that, is there?

[00:07:38] In Jungle Book.

[00:07:39] Like, what is learning in that?

[00:07:41] There's an overall theme to it, isn't there?

[00:07:43] Yeah, but what do you learn from it?

[00:07:44] What does it teach you?

[00:07:46] Survival.

[00:07:47] It's not just survival, that he, er-

[00:07:49] Well, you fancy tigers.

[00:07:52] He fights the tiger.

[00:07:54] Yeah, he fights the tiger.

[00:07:55] So maybe he fights his demons?

[00:07:56] I don't know.

[00:07:57] Fuck yes.

[00:07:58] I don't know.

[00:08:03] And then there's- what other one he used to be obsessed with as well?

[00:08:07] I think it was- he reved a Lion King.

[00:08:09] Oh yeah, I think it was Lion King,

[00:08:11] because that teaches you the circle of life, doesn't it?

[00:08:14] There's also redemption in there and stuff like that.

[00:08:16] Revenge.

[00:08:18] A little bit, but not really.

[00:08:20] What happens when you run away?

[00:08:22] You run away from your problems.

[00:08:24] Yeah.

[00:08:26] Some good meanings, isn't that?

[00:08:28] That's why we've just been-

[00:08:30] That's why we're the best generation that's ever fucking lived, really.

[00:08:33] Not like the world's going to shit now.

[00:08:37] But to be fair, everybody who's in fucking office,

[00:08:40] in any government, in any country is fucking-

[00:08:43] It's not our generation, really, is it?

[00:08:45] It's one above us, if not-

[00:08:47] Just not double above us.

[00:08:50] Should I do my joke?

[00:08:51] Yes, absolutely. Get at it.

[00:08:53] Okay, I think you've heard it before, but I'm going to do it.

[00:08:55] So the other day-

[00:08:57] Can I ask a question?

[00:08:59] What?

[00:09:00] Is this one that you've made?

[00:09:01] Yeah.

[00:09:02] Is it?

[00:09:03] Yes.

[00:09:04] This is one what I've done as well.

[00:09:06] So the other day, I went to a gender reveal party.

[00:09:09] Yes?

[00:09:10] It was so embarrassing.

[00:09:12] Why?

[00:09:13] I were the only one who turned up naked.

[00:09:15] Nice.

[00:09:16] Really good, that one.

[00:09:17] Did they guess your gender?

[00:09:19] Well, yeah.

[00:09:20] Because I turned up naked.

[00:09:21] Well, I don't know whether it'd be cold or warm,

[00:09:23] so you could have been either.

[00:09:28] So, it's been a while.

[00:09:31] It's been a while.

[00:09:32] It's been at least a month.

[00:09:34] Yeah.

[00:09:35] But it's over a month.

[00:09:36] Four weeks we are, our voices in your ear holes.

[00:09:39] It's completely my fault.

[00:09:41] I contracted it by mistake.

[00:09:43] It's my fault.

[00:09:44] I contracted Ebola and I've been in hospital.

[00:09:47] I'm sorry.

[00:09:49] That's a complete lie.

[00:09:50] I'm sorry.

[00:09:51] Yeah, it's a complete lie.

[00:09:53] We're sorry to anyone who has actually got Ebola.

[00:09:55] It wasn't me that got it.

[00:09:56] Billy got Ebola.

[00:09:57] Billy's not been well.

[00:09:59] Yeah.

[00:10:00] Nobody's had Ebola.

[00:10:01] Everybody's fine.

[00:10:03] We've just been busy.

[00:10:04] Well, originally, I think we were supposed to do one,

[00:10:07] but you were fixing a toilet.

[00:10:10] Right.

[00:10:11] No.

[00:10:12] Whoa.

[00:10:13] Right.

[00:10:14] Did you not say I'm fixing a toilet

[00:10:16] and it's took me fucking four weeks, three days?

[00:10:20] This is a toilet in my house.

[00:10:21] Right.

[00:10:22] I'm going to go on a rant now.

[00:10:23] Yeah.

[00:10:24] Me and Emma live in a new build house.

[00:10:26] Right.

[00:10:27] Posh bastards.

[00:10:28] Yeah.

[00:10:29] The toilets are fucking them built-in ones into units.

[00:10:32] Right.

[00:10:33] So, the system...

[00:10:36] So, we've had a leak on our toilet

[00:10:38] and it's been leaking into a bowl.

[00:10:39] You know, the actual toilet bowl.

[00:10:40] Yeah.

[00:10:41] Using water.

[00:10:42] Yeah, using water.

[00:10:43] And I didn't think it was using that much,

[00:10:44] so I just never that bothered.

[00:10:46] We had a new fucking water bill the other day

[00:10:48] and it's been gradually increasing.

[00:10:50] I had a new water bill the other day

[00:10:52] that wanted to charge us fucking eight quid a month

[00:10:54] and there's just two of us living in a house.

[00:10:55] You know what you've been doing?

[00:10:56] Fucking riving.

[00:10:57] I've been going out with it.

[00:10:58] Exactly.

[00:10:59] And that was last straw for me.

[00:11:00] I thought, fuck this.

[00:11:01] I'm just sorting it out.

[00:11:02] I'm going to send.

[00:11:03] Yeah.

[00:11:04] So, I read on some fucking plumber's forums

[00:11:05] and stuff what it might be, what it could be

[00:11:07] and how to fix it if it's this.

[00:11:09] Anyway, it took me a full fucking day

[00:11:12] to get this cistern out.

[00:11:13] Not because I couldn't,

[00:11:14] not because I weren't capable,

[00:11:15] it's because I physically could not get into the fucking toilet

[00:11:18] because there's screws in the back of the toilet

[00:11:21] that screw it to the wall

[00:11:22] but they've put the cistern that fucking height at work top.

[00:11:25] I can't get my fucking arms in to fucking unscrew it.

[00:11:28] So I've got scratches all over my fucking arms.

[00:11:30] I was fucking swearing.

[00:11:32] I was sweating.

[00:11:33] I was pissed off.

[00:11:35] It took me a full day to get that cistern out.

[00:11:37] It took me seven minutes to fix it.

[00:11:39] And then it took me another full day

[00:11:40] to get the fucker back in.

[00:11:42] Two days and seven minutes

[00:11:44] to fix a fucking seal on a fucking valve.

[00:11:47] Did you have to plaster walls at all?

[00:11:49] No.

[00:11:50] Have to punch it through.

[00:11:51] Honestly, I was very close to ripping fucking toilet art,

[00:11:54] ripping the entire fucking thing out.

[00:11:56] Because the way that they've done it is

[00:11:58] if I were to take the work top off,

[00:12:00] I'd have to take tiles off.

[00:12:01] Or if I wanted to just slide the front of the unit art,

[00:12:05] I'd have to take sink art.

[00:12:07] Or I'd have to take toilet art.

[00:12:09] So it's a fucking rate bullet the way they've done it.

[00:12:13] I'd have loved to have seen you.

[00:12:15] Two days and seven minutes.

[00:12:16] Seven minutes to fix the fucking problem

[00:12:17] and two days to fucking get it in an art.

[00:12:19] Fucking nightmare.

[00:12:20] I took out the screw fix, right?

[00:12:22] And you know them little knobbly screwdrivers.

[00:12:24] It's the one that literally just fits in your hand.

[00:12:27] It's roughly about six inches long.

[00:12:29] And then you just...

[00:12:30] But it's got one of them fucking crank things on it

[00:12:33] so that when you turn it, you don't have to move your hand.

[00:12:35] You can just keep holding it and keep doing it like that.

[00:12:37] So it keeps cranking it.

[00:12:39] So I went and paid like 15 quid for one of them.

[00:12:41] Oh, fucking hell, that's way overpriced.

[00:12:43] I didn't pay 15 quid for it.

[00:12:45] I don't know how much I paid for it.

[00:12:46] Just lied?

[00:12:47] Yeah, I just lied.

[00:12:48] I got it from Tool Station.

[00:12:49] Big up Tool Station.

[00:12:50] You've just said screw fix?

[00:12:51] Did I?

[00:12:52] I'm completely talking balls.

[00:12:53] This story is fucking falling apart.

[00:12:55] I'm going to go and get a new one.

[00:12:57] This story is fucking falling apart.

[00:12:59] It actually took him 10 minutes to fix a fucking toilet.

[00:13:02] He messaged me because he couldn't be arsed.

[00:13:04] Is that the truth?

[00:13:05] Am I on the baseline?

[00:13:06] No, no, no, no, no.

[00:13:07] It did take me two days and seven minutes to do it.

[00:13:09] Literally, I'm not lying about that.

[00:13:11] I lied about where the fucking thing came from.

[00:13:13] It came from Tool Station.

[00:13:14] I don't know why it's a screw fix.

[00:13:15] Anyway, but yeah, so I had to get in and do that.

[00:13:18] It was a fucking nightmare.

[00:13:20] Anyway, I fixed it.

[00:13:21] And I read on these Plumbers forums as well for anybody that's listening.

[00:13:26] You've got a leaky toilet and you've not realised it and you've just got it fixed.

[00:13:30] If you go to your water place or whatever it is, you can ask for a leak allowance.

[00:13:36] You can ask for a leak allowance, which is what we did.

[00:13:38] We give them a reading on the day that it was fixed and then two weeks after.

[00:13:43] And they've given us some money back and this fucking bill's dropped.

[00:13:46] So you didn't have to pay the 8 quid?

[00:13:48] No.

[00:13:49] How do you even know that?

[00:13:50] There's only you who would find shit like that.

[00:13:53] It's called a leak allowance because apparently fucking built-in toilets.

[00:13:56] They're a fucking nightmare for that kind of leak.

[00:13:59] And how did you prove it to them?

[00:14:01] They can see from water usage.

[00:14:03] What, from previous months?

[00:14:05] Yeah, so they've compared these two weeks.

[00:14:08] So we get them as usage when it had fixed, when we fixed it.

[00:14:12] And then we give them another fucking usage two weeks in front of that.

[00:14:16] So they can see, well, fucking hell, they've used like a quarter of fucking water what they've been using.

[00:14:21] So, yeah, there's obviously been a leak.

[00:14:23] So we've got some money back from bills that were paid over the past few months.

[00:14:27] And then they've dropped us current bill as well.

[00:14:31] You're fucking fuckers.

[00:14:33] Yeah.

[00:14:34] So if anybody is listening to this, if you've got a leaky toilet, get it fixed, get somebody in to fix it.

[00:14:38] Does it just have to be the toilet or can it be anywhere else?

[00:14:42] It might be anywhere else.

[00:14:44] Bath's leaking.

[00:14:46] If bath's leaking, yeah, but it depends how much it's leaking, yeah.

[00:14:51] What do you mean by leaking?

[00:14:53] Like leaking onto your floor?

[00:14:55] Well, yeah.

[00:14:56] Yeah, you can get a leak allowance, I think.

[00:14:58] Ask for it. You never know if you don't ask.

[00:15:01] I'm going to ask for it.

[00:15:02] Say you've got a leak. You don't know how long it's been leaking.

[00:15:04] I ain't got a leak, but I'm going to ask for it.

[00:15:07] Well, what they'll do, they'll check it against your previous usage.

[00:15:11] Do you know what I mean?

[00:15:12] Well, I'll just choose the usage when I run holiday.

[00:15:16] Right.

[00:15:17] And just say it crept up.

[00:15:19] But then immediately after, they'll be able to see a difference.

[00:15:21] They'll be able to see it go right back up again.

[00:15:23] Whereas ours won't do because the leak's been fixed.

[00:15:25] I'll just say it's just come back.

[00:15:28] Keep leaking.

[00:15:29] Right, okay.

[00:15:32] I'm having some plumbing problems.

[00:15:33] But yeah, if anybody's got a leaky toilet, ask for a leak allowance from your fucking water board and you'll get it sorted.

[00:15:38] That's a good shout, that.

[00:15:39] Yeah.

[00:15:40] I'm dealing with some plumbing issues at the minute.

[00:15:42] Yeah, your life's gone to shit a minute, hasn't it?

[00:15:44] Yeah.

[00:15:46] Billy must have spat on a nun or something recently because he's just not doing well.

[00:15:52] Fucking shower's broke.

[00:15:54] Yeah.

[00:15:55] Right.

[00:15:56] And the fucking shower I've got in, you'd think...

[00:15:59] So the shower unit's broke, so you'd think straight of swapping it.

[00:16:02] Yeah.

[00:16:03] Oh no, because of this new house, I mean, it's got this fancy ass fucking wireless shower.

[00:16:08] Can you explain to people what this wireless shower is?

[00:16:12] Because you said this to me yesterday and I was like,

[00:16:14] I'm not really sure how Billy knows how plumbing works.

[00:16:18] No, that's what it's called.

[00:16:19] It's literally called a wireless shower.

[00:16:21] Yes.

[00:16:22] So like on the tiles is just a faceplate where you adjust your temperature and turn the shower on.

[00:16:27] Yeah, yeah.

[00:16:28] But the actual unit is underneath your bath.

[00:16:30] Yeah, very weird.

[00:16:31] I've just seen it.

[00:16:32] I've never seen a toilet like that at all.

[00:16:33] A toilet?

[00:16:34] A fucking shower.

[00:16:35] So that thing there, that whatever it is unit, it died.

[00:16:41] It's got to be like some sort of fucking Bulgarian crap,

[00:16:44] some weird fucking European country shower that you've got in your bathroom.

[00:16:48] But it's discontinued so I can't even replace it.

[00:16:52] So you can't fix it either.

[00:16:54] So we bought just like a normal 80 pound special Wicks shower.

[00:16:59] Got a plumb around.

[00:17:01] First quoted as 80 quid and I thought to fit it,

[00:17:04] I was like, that's absolutely brilliant, yeah, come on.

[00:17:06] Walks in, comes upstairs and he goes,

[00:17:09] Nah, I can't do that.

[00:17:11] What do you mean you can't?

[00:17:12] Nah, I can't do that.

[00:17:13] Says I looked at it wrong.

[00:17:14] How can you look at something wrong?

[00:17:16] Yeah, he might have come back.

[00:17:19] He's either looked at it and just not been asked and just thought it was just an easy job and just thought

[00:17:24] he might have looked at it and saw that thing on your shower, you know, on your wall

[00:17:28] and not realized what it were.

[00:17:29] He might have thought it was just an electric shower wall.

[00:17:32] We've got one and ours is like on the fucking wall.

[00:17:34] So then he's come back and said, yeah, 500 quid that.

[00:17:37] Yeah.

[00:17:38] Yeah, fucking shower.

[00:17:40] Yeah, fuck that.

[00:17:41] So at minute I'm surviving.

[00:17:44] Are you having a strip wash?

[00:17:46] Yeah, sink washes and baths.

[00:17:50] I fucking hate baths.

[00:17:51] I feel like Shrek.

[00:17:53] Yeah.

[00:17:54] I'm just sat in swamp water.

[00:17:55] Yeah.

[00:17:56] And the water changes color when you get in it.

[00:17:58] How fucking dirty are you when you get in bath?

[00:18:00] Have you been rolling in fucking garden?

[00:18:02] No, it turns like misty.

[00:18:06] Like it's like what?

[00:18:07] Like clear and then you get in here.

[00:18:09] Have you just got like smeg all over your body?

[00:18:11] What's wrong with you Billy?

[00:18:12] Why is it that dirty?

[00:18:13] Just because of it frothy after I've been in it for a while.

[00:18:15] Oh no, it's ragged now isn't it?

[00:18:17] That's not normal.

[00:18:18] And then I'm like, I get out of it and I'm like, I just don't even feel clean.

[00:18:21] Yeah, well it's because you're not.

[00:18:22] It's because you wash yourself in the bath, but then you're in the bath.

[00:18:26] So the minute they stand up, everything's just going to get stuck to you again.

[00:18:28] So like it's just not rinsed off, is it?

[00:18:30] And I keep overflowing the bath.

[00:18:32] Why?

[00:18:33] You're a full grown adult.

[00:18:35] But I'm a big full grown adult.

[00:18:37] I'm a heavy set fella.

[00:18:38] You do not need to fill it to the fucking brim and then get in it because it's water displacement.

[00:18:42] You're going in there and this water has got to go somewhere, so it's going to go fucking everywhere isn't it?

[00:18:46] So I haven't calculated that yet.

[00:18:50] I get in here and it's fine, it's like oh yeah, I've still got a bit.

[00:18:53] But then obviously to wash my hair, I have to slide under and like put my head in the water, which then...

[00:19:02] You fill in the bath way too high if you just leaning in it a little bit is overflowing.

[00:19:06] In case it's the bottom and I just do a waterfall and like what the fuck was that?

[00:19:10] You're a fucking idiot.

[00:19:12] You're an absolute idiot.

[00:19:13] I hate baths.

[00:19:14] I don't like baths, but not for that reason.

[00:19:16] Well you're a skinny fucker, that's why.

[00:19:18] Well I'm not.

[00:19:19] I think I weigh more than you.

[00:19:21] You don't?

[00:19:22] How much do you weigh?

[00:19:23] 18 stone.

[00:19:24] Sorry.

[00:19:25] I don't really.

[00:19:27] How much do you weigh?

[00:19:28] I think I weigh, last time I checked, 14.10.

[00:19:30] You weigh 15 stone, 4.

[00:19:32] Yeah but yours is muscle.

[00:19:34] But in the terms of like bath...

[00:19:36] I'm stuffing.

[00:19:38] In the terms of like a bath, I would displace more water than you.

[00:19:43] Oh yeah, sure you would wouldn't you?

[00:19:45] And I'm taller so there's more space.

[00:19:47] There's more in you.

[00:19:49] Yeah, there's more in you tall wise, but there's more in me width wise.

[00:19:53] That's true.

[00:19:55] No offence, sorry.

[00:19:57] Well no, it's fine.

[00:19:58] I've accepted it.

[00:20:00] Don't accept it.

[00:20:01] I have.

[00:20:02] Don't accept it, you're on your ball, you're getting fitness.

[00:20:05] I'm a dad bod guy now.

[00:20:07] You can still be a dad bod but you can still be into your fitness.

[00:20:10] Well yeah, I am into my fitness.

[00:20:12] Yeah?

[00:20:13] You posh fucking dad fitness now.

[00:20:15] Yeah.

[00:20:16] What is it, go and tell everybody.

[00:20:18] Pickle ball.

[00:20:19] I feel like everybody, have you told this everybody yet?

[00:20:21] Pickle ball.

[00:20:22] I might have done.

[00:20:23] Fucking yeah, you have because...

[00:20:24] UK number one's fast growing sport.

[00:20:26] Okay, I don't think he's ever going to go mainstream mate.

[00:20:29] It is.

[00:20:30] I want to take you to go and play squash.

[00:20:32] I don't want to play squash.

[00:20:33] Squash is better than pickle ball.

[00:20:34] It's not.

[00:20:35] It is.

[00:20:36] It's not.

[00:20:37] I guarantee you.

[00:20:38] It's not.

[00:20:39] I guarantee you that you'll sweat more playing squash than you will pickle ball.

[00:20:41] That's not just...

[00:20:42] I like playing it because it's fun.

[00:20:43] I don't just play it because it fucking gets hot and sweat.

[00:20:46] Squash is fun.

[00:20:48] Squash is very fun.

[00:20:50] I might try it one day.

[00:20:52] You try pickle ball and I'll try squash.

[00:20:54] Alright, so...

[00:20:55] Anyway, how you been?

[00:20:56] Alright, good.

[00:20:57] Do you know what happened last night?

[00:20:59] Right, I put my phone on charge.

[00:21:00] I thought it was fucking hilarious.

[00:21:02] I thought I need to tell Billy this.

[00:21:04] I didn't approve it or anything.

[00:21:07] It just did it.

[00:21:08] So I put my phone on charge and then looked and it just went right weird.

[00:21:13] And it had a system update, right?

[00:21:17] My phone is an iPhone 7 but it's now got iOS 16.7.

[00:21:21] So I've got almost double the fucking...

[00:21:29] So my phone's old but it's got the newest fucking download software or whatever it is.

[00:21:33] I thought they'd like to just stop it, don't they?

[00:21:35] Mine's still doing it.

[00:21:36] It did it last night.

[00:21:37] So I've got iOS 16.7 on my phone.

[00:21:39] Gel broke?

[00:21:40] On an iPhone 7.

[00:21:43] Bear in mind, I've given him a fucking iPhone X.

[00:21:46] It's not broken yet.

[00:21:48] It's not broken yet.

[00:21:49] Do you know what it is?

[00:21:51] I can't remember all my fucking passwords and everything.

[00:21:53] So they're all saved on my phone.

[00:21:55] I've got to put my fingerprint on it.

[00:21:57] And I can't be bothered to do...

[00:21:58] Mate, thumb prints were fucking yonks ago.

[00:22:01] It's a back face ID now.

[00:22:02] Yeah, I don't want that.

[00:22:03] Why?

[00:22:04] Because I just don't want that.

[00:22:06] There's not even...

[00:22:07] Look, there's not even things for it.

[00:22:10] Just face, boom.

[00:22:11] There you go.

[00:22:12] In.

[00:22:13] What's the difference between a face ID and a finger ID?

[00:22:16] Just it's easy, isn't it?

[00:22:18] How is it easier?

[00:22:19] All you have to do is look at it.

[00:22:21] I'm looking at it anyway when I'm putting my thumb on it.

[00:22:23] And then it's gone.

[00:22:24] Yeah, but what about if you're doing other stuff?

[00:22:26] You've still got to hold your phone in one hand.

[00:22:29] So that thumb is there regardless.

[00:22:31] No, because I've done it while driving before.

[00:22:34] I'm sorry?

[00:22:35] You've done what?

[00:22:36] When I've been...

[00:22:37] You've done what while driving?

[00:22:38] You've looked out at Winder and saw a nice view.

[00:22:41] That's what you've done.

[00:22:42] Yeah.

[00:22:43] Yeah, you have, haven't you?

[00:22:44] Yeah.

[00:22:45] You're an absolute idiot.

[00:22:47] I get bored in traffic.

[00:22:50] Well, I think if you're in traffic...

[00:22:52] This is just a disclaimer.

[00:22:53] Billy has not used his phone while driving nor has he ever used his phone while driving.

[00:22:57] No.

[00:22:58] Never.

[00:22:59] No.

[00:23:00] Hands free.

[00:23:01] All the way.

[00:23:02] All the way.

[00:23:03] Yeah.

[00:23:04] But yeah, I just thought I'd tell you that because I thought it was just funny,

[00:23:06] isn't it?

[00:23:07] Yeah, it's funny, that.

[00:23:08] When my phone breaks, I will use...

[00:23:09] That's my next phone when my phone breaks.

[00:23:10] Oh, man.

[00:23:11] You've sold it, haven't you?

[00:23:12] I haven't sold it.

[00:23:13] It's in my wardrobe.

[00:23:14] I'm paying for your wedding, aren't I?

[00:23:15] What?

[00:23:16] I'm paying for your fucking iPhone.

[00:23:17] What is it?

[00:23:18] 13 or 12?

[00:23:19] Is it?

[00:23:20] Yeah, that's going to pay for my wedding.

[00:23:21] Cheers, pal.

[00:23:22] I'm funded it.

[00:23:23] Yeah, thanks, mate.

[00:23:26] So what else you got?

[00:23:28] What else has happened to me recently?

[00:23:31] Oh, I'm stressed out as fuck because exam season and all that bollocks.

[00:23:35] I'm fucking changing.

[00:23:37] But yeah, it's not going too bad, I don't think.

[00:23:40] Went to Lego Cafe the other day.

[00:23:42] That's fun.

[00:23:43] What is it?

[00:23:44] It's a Lego Cafe.

[00:23:45] As in Lego, Lego?

[00:23:46] As in Lego.

[00:23:47] The kids.

[00:23:48] Yes.

[00:23:49] Building shit out of Lego.

[00:23:51] We went after we all had an exam.

[00:23:54] So we went and had a coffee and some cake.

[00:23:56] Right.

[00:23:57] And then you go up to the front and you tell them which set you want and then

[00:24:00] you can build it.

[00:24:01] Every day I talk to you, I get more suspicious of that you've got the tism.

[00:24:10] Scott built a car from Need for Speed.

[00:24:14] Emma and Emily, they built.

[00:24:18] I think they did freestyle.

[00:24:20] Emily made this weird fucking, I don't know, it was like the Olympics,

[00:24:25] but like demon version or whatever.

[00:24:28] I don't know.

[00:24:29] There were a load of eyes on it and stuff.

[00:24:30] No idea.

[00:24:31] Is this meant to be for kids or is it supposed to be for adults?

[00:24:35] Anybody can go there.

[00:24:36] OK.

[00:24:37] You can take your kids there, but if you like Lego, you can go yourself.

[00:24:39] Adults like Lego.

[00:24:42] Emma made a Lego version of her, me and the dog and the car.

[00:24:53] Before that they made a Lego flower set apparently.

[00:24:56] And then me and Katie made an avatar set and a submarine.

[00:25:01] See, I feel like you wouldn't have the patience for Lego.

[00:25:03] I love Lego.

[00:25:04] Yeah, but like if you get one piece wrong, I feel like you just smash a lot of it.

[00:25:07] It does do my head in, but sometimes you've just got to get on with it.

[00:25:11] It's got to grow up.

[00:25:12] It's got to grow up at some point.

[00:25:13] It's got to grow up and just fucking do your Lego right.

[00:25:15] Yeah.

[00:25:16] Sometimes if there's a piece missing, you've just got to use a different piece

[00:25:19] and move on.

[00:25:20] Like it's not End of World.

[00:25:22] It's fantastic.

[00:25:23] You should go.

[00:25:24] Don't you like Lego?

[00:25:25] I don't know, not really.

[00:25:26] You fuck off.

[00:25:27] Every person loves Lego.

[00:25:28] No.

[00:25:29] They do.

[00:25:30] I love building Lego.

[00:25:32] I probably did 20 years ago.

[00:25:34] It's fun.

[00:25:36] But is it though?

[00:25:38] Yes.

[00:25:39] Playing video games is fun.

[00:25:41] Playing video games is fun.

[00:25:43] Emma loves the Lego video games.

[00:25:46] She loves the Lego Star Wars.

[00:25:48] You don't mind how big they are actually when you think about it.

[00:25:50] I don't know why.

[00:25:52] She loves it when you die and the coins go pfff fucking everywhere.

[00:25:56] Don't you think though, just Lego as a whole, how big they are?

[00:25:59] Just from one...

[00:26:00] Do you know how expensive Lego sets are?

[00:26:03] Well, they've like turned into collectible things now, haven't they?

[00:26:05] Right.

[00:26:06] So you know, speaking of Lego Star Wars, you know the fucking...

[00:26:09] I can't remember.

[00:26:10] It's the battleship that looks like an arrowhead.

[00:26:12] The triangle one.

[00:26:13] The Falcon?

[00:26:14] No, no, no, no.

[00:26:15] The big one.

[00:26:16] The fucking...

[00:26:17] The big one.

[00:26:18] The big Lego set.

[00:26:19] I forgot what the fucking ship's called.

[00:26:21] Right.

[00:26:22] Erm...

[00:26:23] That is...

[00:26:24] I think it's hundreds of pounds.

[00:26:26] Just for that?

[00:26:27] Let's have a look.

[00:26:28] I'm going to have a look now just to show you how fucking expensive it is.

[00:26:32] A hundred pound to build something?

[00:26:34] No, no, no.

[00:26:35] It's hundreds.

[00:26:36] Oh, hundreds?

[00:26:37] Yes.

[00:26:38] Wow.

[00:26:39] Err...

[00:26:40] Lego Star Wars...

[00:26:42] Set.

[00:26:43] I forgot what the fucking big thing is called.

[00:26:48] Err... fucking hell.

[00:26:51] The Millennium Falcon.

[00:26:52] You know the circle ship?

[00:26:53] What's...

[00:26:54] Harrison Ford's ship?

[00:26:55] Yeah.

[00:26:56] Go on, guess how much it costs.

[00:26:59] Two hundred quid.

[00:27:00] More.

[00:27:01] Three hundred.

[00:27:02] More.

[00:27:03] Three hundred.

[00:27:04] Five hundred and eighty four pound.

[00:27:05] For that?

[00:27:06] That's it there, look.

[00:27:07] What?

[00:27:08] It's the Millennium Falcon.

[00:27:10] So what's...

[00:27:11] How much is that one?

[00:27:12] For an AT-AT, the fucking weird robot dog things, it's no bit of Star Wars.

[00:27:18] They're 149 pound to build one of them.

[00:27:22] Err...

[00:27:23] Or from the Disney store.

[00:27:25] I don't know why this one's more.

[00:27:27] It's probably better or something.

[00:27:29] Err...

[00:27:30] It's Lego Star Wars AT-AT set 75313.

[00:27:35] That one is 733 pound.

[00:27:37] This is our expensive Star Wars'...

[00:27:42] There you go!

[00:27:43] There you go!

[00:27:47] Fucking hell!

[00:27:49] Lego Star Wars, the 75252, the Imperial Starship.

[00:27:54] Guess how much it costs?

[00:27:55] Ten grand.

[00:27:56] One thousand one hundred and twenty four pound.

[00:27:58] Oh my god.

[00:27:59] For Lego.

[00:28:00] I like Lego but fuck me.

[00:28:02] There's another Starship here for one thousand four hundred pound.

[00:28:05] The fucking Death Star, nine hundred and ninety one pound.

[00:28:11] Wow.

[00:28:12] I don't know how they fucking... how they're doing this.

[00:28:14] It's definitely for adults then, innit?

[00:28:16] You can't see many six year olds walking in with that kind of gaffs.

[00:28:18] Mate!

[00:28:19] If my kid comes to me and asks me for a fucking Millennium Falcon, I'm going...

[00:28:22] I'm saying get fucked, I'm building that for that price.

[00:28:24] It's cheaper to get an Xbox.

[00:28:26] It fucking is.

[00:28:27] And Lego games.

[00:28:29] So, you go to Lego Cafe and if they've got one of them, they might have.

[00:28:34] I don't know if they have.

[00:28:35] You nick it.

[00:28:36] But you stay at Lego Cafe for, I don't know, twelve hours and you smash it out

[00:28:40] for like, I don't know, what's, like five cups of coffee?

[00:28:42] Like twenty quid.

[00:28:43] Yeah.

[00:28:45] There you go.

[00:28:46] So you've built it for twenty quid instead of like...

[00:28:47] Yeah but you don't get to keep it.

[00:28:49] You don't get to keep it but at least you can say you've built it.

[00:28:51] Do they not have security on it though?

[00:28:53] No.

[00:28:54] No but it's not that kind of vibe.

[00:28:55] I think everybody who goes to a Lego Cafe is not a thief.

[00:28:58] Well I would be at fucking that price.

[00:29:01] Yeah but you don't get the box.

[00:29:03] You don't get the box.

[00:29:04] Oh, so it's in a box?

[00:29:06] No, so it's like they're all in trays.

[00:29:08] Do they just pour it out in front of you?

[00:29:10] Just go here you go, here's the diagram.

[00:29:11] Off you go.

[00:29:12] So you get the instruction manual and then you get the trays and stuff.

[00:29:15] And then you get the trays with the Lego in it.

[00:29:17] It's good.

[00:29:20] Wow.

[00:29:21] But yeah, it's very expensive.

[00:29:25] Very expensive.

[00:29:26] Lego.

[00:29:28] Seems it.

[00:29:29] Oh yeah, that's me.

[00:29:34] I went to a Lego Cafe.

[00:29:38] What else have I done?

[00:29:40] I'm trying to think.

[00:29:41] I mean it has been a month.

[00:29:44] I know.

[00:29:45] But I've been doing fucking...

[00:29:48] Urgh, revision and...

[00:29:51] What else have I been doing?

[00:29:52] I'm trying to think now on the spot what I've been doing.

[00:29:55] Went to a Lego Cafe.

[00:29:56] What have I done?

[00:29:57] I've been for like walks in like Peak District and stuff.

[00:30:00] Nice.

[00:30:01] Went to a triple SI.

[00:30:04] Cool.

[00:30:05] That's a site of specific scientific interest.

[00:30:08] Yeah, I know that.

[00:30:09] It's basically there's like species there that are either...

[00:30:12] Snakes?

[00:30:16] I've never seen you say anything with such enthusiasm ever.

[00:30:20] What were they snakes?

[00:30:21] No, they weren't snakes Billy.

[00:30:23] They were like a freshwater stream basically.

[00:30:25] Literally wherever I go I have to Google what snakes are there.

[00:30:29] Wait, I'm confused.

[00:30:30] Do you like snakes or not like snakes?

[00:30:31] No, no.

[00:30:32] Petrified of them.

[00:30:33] So I'm petrified of crocodiles and sharks as well.

[00:30:36] Right, so your feed on your Facebook or Instagram does it constantly show you snakes?

[00:30:41] Yeah, it does.

[00:30:42] Mine constantly shows me snakes and like fucking crocodiles and shit because that's

[00:30:45] what I always watch.

[00:30:46] It reads as fears, doesn't it?

[00:30:47] It reads as fears.

[00:30:48] Yeah, it does because you spend more time watching something you're scared of because

[00:30:51] you're thinking, you parallelise watching it and then it just constantly shows you...

[00:30:55] Mine just shows me crocodiles now.

[00:30:57] I've never seen one in wild.

[00:30:59] What, snake?

[00:31:00] Yeah.

[00:31:01] You know we get snakes in England, right?

[00:31:02] Yeah, we do.

[00:31:03] And the poisonous.

[00:31:04] No they're not.

[00:31:05] They are.

[00:31:06] They can't kill you.

[00:31:07] Well they can't kill you, you know, unless you're allergic to the poison which is very,

[00:31:10] very, very rare.

[00:31:11] Have we got some that are poisonous?

[00:31:13] Yeah.

[00:31:14] I didn't think we had.

[00:31:15] It's called an adder.

[00:31:16] I didn't think it was poisonous.

[00:31:17] Well, I'm Googling that.

[00:31:18] It is.

[00:31:19] It's an adder.

[00:31:20] Is it a black adder?

[00:31:21] British adder.

[00:31:22] Adder.

[00:31:23] Adder snake.

[00:31:24] And like it's literally the only place you'd see it is where we fucking live.

[00:31:27] What, in Peat District?

[00:31:28] In like districts, yeah.

[00:31:30] Adder.

[00:31:34] The viper, can't say that word, also known as the common European adder.

[00:31:40] So in the UK there's a grass snake, adder and small snake?

[00:31:43] So it's the common European viper is a species of venomous snake in the family viperia deer.

[00:31:51] Right, I've done a lot of walks.

[00:31:53] Every single walk I've gone on I don't think I've ever even thought to look for

[00:31:56] a snake.

[00:31:57] Ever.

[00:31:58] And look at them.

[00:31:59] They're fucking terrifying.

[00:32:00] I'm...

[00:32:01] Fucking hell.

[00:32:02] That's it.

[00:32:03] I'm not sure.

[00:32:04] That could be like 10 minutes up really.

[00:32:06] Nah, that's scary.

[00:32:07] Fuck that.

[00:32:08] I know, I saw it over there.

[00:32:09] I didn't know they looked like that.

[00:32:10] I thought it was just like a little fucking worm.

[00:32:13] No!

[00:32:14] He's a proper man-eating snake.

[00:32:15] That's like an Australian snake, that.

[00:32:17] I know.

[00:32:18] And we...

[00:32:19] Nah, fuck that.

[00:32:20] I didn't know we had them.

[00:32:21] That's what they look like.

[00:32:22] I just thought they were like little fucking worms.

[00:32:27] That's what I thought they looked like.

[00:32:28] Look, that is one.

[00:32:29] It's called a slow worm.

[00:32:30] Yeah.

[00:32:31] It's a snake.

[00:32:32] Ow!

[00:32:33] Look at these one boys.

[00:32:34] Fucking hell, I didn't know we had them.

[00:32:37] Oh, they're scary.

[00:32:40] Where are they then?

[00:32:43] So there's the smooth snake.

[00:32:45] The rare smooth snake can only be found at a few Heathland sites in the UK where...

[00:32:53] We've got Heathland here.

[00:32:54] I know.

[00:32:55] Where?

[00:32:56] Where ever it prime spot for him.

[00:32:58] So do you know if you go on your big hikes and up moors and that?

[00:33:00] It looks a bit like an adder but lacks its distinctive zigzag pattern along its back.

[00:33:05] Average lifespan up to 20 years.

[00:33:08] Fucking hell.

[00:33:09] When to see?

[00:33:10] From April to October.

[00:33:11] Right, come on.

[00:33:13] Where the fuck is it?

[00:33:14] Distribution, very rare.

[00:33:18] Sandy Heaths.

[00:33:19] Oh, it's fine.

[00:33:20] We're alright.

[00:33:21] For the grass snake.

[00:33:23] Smooth snake, sorry.

[00:33:26] It's in Dorset, Hampshire and Surrey.

[00:33:29] And West Sussex and Devon.

[00:33:32] Which one's that for?

[00:33:34] That's the smooth snake.

[00:33:36] I'm going to have a look at the fucking adder now.

[00:33:38] Yeah, so I've got the adder up.

[00:33:39] Oh, grass snake.

[00:33:40] Let's have a look at grass snake.

[00:33:41] Go on.

[00:33:45] So it says in Britain the adder has a rather patchy distribution.

[00:33:51] It is more numerous.

[00:33:54] Numerous.

[00:33:55] Numerous in southern England than the north.

[00:33:58] Oh, fantastic.

[00:33:59] So you might, if you're very lucky, see one.

[00:34:02] Very rare we're going to see one.

[00:34:04] The grass snake that is found widespread in England and Wales but absent from Scotland

[00:34:14] Northern Ireland, the Isles of Sicily and most of Central Islands.

[00:34:17] They are found on Jersey.

[00:34:21] So at least we're safe.

[00:34:22] Mate, if I see one of them while walking, shit be sent.

[00:34:28] Again, TikTok educated me, innit?

[00:34:31] I did not know they looked like that.

[00:34:32] This guy just goes round looking for them.

[00:34:34] I did not know they looked like that at all.

[00:34:36] I just thought they were like them little fucking worm-wings.

[00:34:38] Little corn snakes things.

[00:34:40] Yeah.

[00:34:41] Fucking hell.

[00:34:43] Well, I'm actually on Northumberland Wild Trust and there got adders, right?

[00:34:50] Yours said south, didn't you?

[00:34:52] Yeah.

[00:34:53] This distribution says found across the country except for the Isles of Sicily,

[00:34:56] the Channel Islands, Northern Ireland and the Alamant.

[00:34:59] So I reckon they are up here.

[00:35:01] They're up here.

[00:35:03] The adder is the UK's only venomous snake but his venom is generally of little danger to humans.

[00:35:09] An adder bite can be painful and cause an inflammation,

[00:35:13] but it is really only dangerous to the very young, ill or old.

[00:35:18] If bitten, medical attention should be sought immediately.

[00:35:22] However, adders are secretive animals and prefer to slither off into the undergrowth

[00:35:27] rather than confront and bite humans and domestic animals.

[00:35:30] Most attacks happen when they are trodden on or picked up instead.

[00:35:33] They use their venom to immobilise and kill their prey or small mammals, nestlings or birds.

[00:35:38] So what about if one bit me fucking dog?

[00:35:40] Would my dog die?

[00:35:42] Yeah, probably, yeah.

[00:35:44] Mate, I would straight up fucking add fuck that snake up if it bit my dog.

[00:35:48] Yeah but it's not going to change, oh is it?

[00:35:50] I don't give a fuck, it's just killed my dog.

[00:35:52] I'd fuck that thing up.

[00:35:54] I wonder if we have anti-venom, I don't know.

[00:35:57] I'd skin it.

[00:35:59] I'd squish it with a big rock.

[00:36:02] See, terrifying isn't it?

[00:36:03] I'd fuck that snake up if it bit my dog.

[00:36:06] And we always see all these videos about Australia and that,

[00:36:08] they have no idea what we have to deal with up here.

[00:36:10] Exactly.

[00:36:11] Do they? They haven't got a fucking clue.

[00:36:12] We've got to deal with fucking snakes, southerners, fucking all sorts.

[00:36:17] What have they got?

[00:36:19] There's just a fucking, I don't know, just a 50 fucking venomous snakes and spiders.

[00:36:23] Just a couple of sharks.

[00:36:24] Crocodiles.

[00:36:25] Fuck that, that's a piece of piss.

[00:36:27] Couple of spiders as big as your house.

[00:36:29] Try dealing with your fucking horrible twat on tube.

[00:36:37] Anyway.

[00:36:38] How have you been? What have you been up to?

[00:36:39] Oh thanks, yeah so I've been to Rome.

[00:36:41] Nice.

[00:36:42] Yeah.

[00:36:43] What did you think?

[00:36:44] Yeah, loved it, absolutely loved it.

[00:36:46] I mean how fucked.

[00:36:47] Oh my god.

[00:36:48] Well working.

[00:36:49] My legs were tired.

[00:36:50] Let me guess, you averaged from 20 to 30 thousand steps every single day you were there.

[00:36:55] 28 thousand steps.

[00:36:56] Yeah.

[00:36:57] Every day for four days.

[00:36:59] Yep.

[00:37:00] Oh my god I was dead.

[00:37:03] But it was good.

[00:37:04] It's fantastic though, it's worth it.

[00:37:05] Yeah.

[00:37:06] I loved it.

[00:37:07] But also what I noticed is that no matter where you go, you still have to walk.

[00:37:11] So there's no getting out of it.

[00:37:13] No, you've got to walk.

[00:37:14] Wherever you go, like you can get taxes to places to places but you're still going

[00:37:19] But when you're around them places.

[00:37:20] There's a reason Europeans are not like leading the obesity fucking epidemic.

[00:37:24] There were so many Americans and they were all you could ever hear were, oh my god

[00:37:29] how many more walking is there to do?

[00:37:34] Can I get an Uber?

[00:37:37] Can we get an Uber to the top of the car, see ya?

[00:37:41] Fuck you know.

[00:37:42] Because that's an hefty walk isn't it when you're walking around the whole time.

[00:37:45] Yeah.

[00:37:46] That's a walk.

[00:37:47] I worked keen on and purely not because of it but because of how busy it was at Vatican.

[00:37:52] I loved Vatican.

[00:37:53] We paid for a tour so you got like, yeah.

[00:37:56] Did you go to the museum?

[00:37:57] Yeah, yeah, did it all, yeah.

[00:38:00] Got these earphones in and you know followed the woman with your flag.

[00:38:04] Like on a school trip.

[00:38:06] But you're literally, what we're doing, Madden is she was stood talking about a

[00:38:12] painting or something.

[00:38:13] Or a statue or whatever.

[00:38:14] Or a statue or whatever.

[00:38:15] By the time I'd faked my way through fucking Herder cattle to get to where she was, she

[00:38:20] were if we're talking about something else I was like I ain't got no clue mate what

[00:38:23] you on about?

[00:38:24] Yeah.

[00:38:25] I ain't got no clue.

[00:38:26] Sistine Chapel.

[00:38:27] I thought it was fantastic.

[00:38:28] Mint but again you're like fucking sardines.

[00:38:31] That one I will agree with you there that is always busy because it seems like

[00:38:36] it's a big room when you look at it and then you get in and it's small.

[00:38:39] Yeah it's tiny.

[00:38:40] Yeah it's not a big room.

[00:38:41] And what I find funny is how many people sneak getting photos.

[00:38:45] That happened when we were there.

[00:38:47] So just a bit of context.

[00:38:51] The Sistine Chapel, so the painting, the famous like, is it the?

[00:38:55] Michelangelo.

[00:38:56] Yeah so what's the painting called?

[00:38:58] Is it Touch of the God or something like that?

[00:39:00] Something like that.

[00:39:01] I don't know what it is.

[00:39:02] So basically it's human touching God's finger in it or something like that.

[00:39:07] But it's on the roof of the Sistine Chapel so you have to look up.

[00:39:11] And as you go in there is five thousand signs saying do not take pictures because flash

[00:39:17] photography can damage this painting and stuff like that.

[00:39:19] And obviously they can't protect it because it's on a fucking ceiling.

[00:39:22] So how do you protect it?

[00:39:24] So there's all these signs everywhere.

[00:39:27] It's in about fucking seven different languages.

[00:39:29] There's even security.

[00:39:31] Yeah there's security in there.

[00:39:32] But you get in there and people get the phone out right.

[00:39:36] And then they put it to the crotch and they face it upwards and then they take the picture

[00:39:40] like that.

[00:39:41] But that happened with us right.

[00:39:43] And somebody did it at the side of us right.

[00:39:45] And they did it and took a picture and what I couldn't see, I was watching his

[00:39:48] screen when he was doing it.

[00:39:49] Yeah.

[00:39:50] And he got his big fat fucking double chin in most of picture.

[00:39:53] And he took the picture and then looked it on my art going through his gallery

[00:39:56] and went oh because he's got his fucking double chin in picture.

[00:40:02] I pulled while I was there.

[00:40:03] Nice.

[00:40:04] Yeah.

[00:40:05] Were you Mrs. St. Toilet or?

[00:40:07] No she were with me.

[00:40:08] Oh right okay.

[00:40:09] Right in front of her and all.

[00:40:10] It were a bloke.

[00:40:11] Oh nice.

[00:40:14] Nice.

[00:40:15] So we were at Coliseum and wanted a drink and that.

[00:40:19] And we just went to this thing.

[00:40:21] Now when I say it's going to sound really obvious, but to me it wasn't at the time.

[00:40:26] So the cafe was called Coming Out Rome.

[00:40:31] Oh right okay.

[00:40:32] You went in there and didn't expect anything.

[00:40:34] I just thought it were like some kind of touristy name.

[00:40:37] No.

[00:40:39] So when we get there it's very pretty.

[00:40:44] Very pretty place.

[00:40:45] You have some nice colours and stuff there.

[00:40:46] Yeah.

[00:40:47] And then I looked and.

[00:40:48] I'm surprised that's even there because Rome's like heavily Catholic.

[00:40:51] I know.

[00:40:52] I'm surprised that's there.

[00:40:54] So I sat down and I thought oh it's Bangani isn't it.

[00:40:58] The waiter guy seemed a bit on but anyway.

[00:41:02] Yeah.

[00:41:04] The cup and then the cups came.

[00:41:06] It seemed very friendly.

[00:41:07] Yeah and the cups came and it had the logo with the cafe on the cups.

[00:41:10] They weren't a fucking penis or something.

[00:41:12] I know right.

[00:41:14] Coming Out Rome.

[00:41:16] And then more already and ready and ready.

[00:41:18] And then I turned cup round and it's got the rainbow flag.

[00:41:22] Right.

[00:41:23] And a rainbow love all.

[00:41:24] Yeah.

[00:41:25] And then when I turned back it back around and so.

[00:41:27] And then you realize the title.

[00:41:29] Coming Out Rome.

[00:41:30] Yes.

[00:41:31] The Coming Out Rome had the love all in a rainbow in it.

[00:41:34] Yes.

[00:41:36] It's a fucking gay bar.

[00:41:38] It is.

[00:41:39] And it was.

[00:41:40] It was a gay bar.

[00:41:41] Oh nice.

[00:41:42] So did Becca clock it as soon as you went in and then you just had no idea.

[00:41:44] Well no I don't think she had any idea.

[00:41:46] All right.

[00:41:47] I think she knew more quicker than me.

[00:41:48] Yeah.

[00:41:49] And then the right.

[00:41:50] So we got a thing and you had to get up to pay.

[00:41:52] Stuff like that.

[00:41:53] And he went oh you your face red red red face you've been out in the sun.

[00:41:57] It was my first day.

[00:41:58] Well it's high blood pressure.

[00:41:59] It's not to do it.

[00:42:00] And he went oh you need some sun cream on you got such a pretty face.

[00:42:05] You come back later.

[00:42:06] I know like she's absolutely pissed in this.

[00:42:10] Is he coming onto me?

[00:42:12] She's like yeah yeah he likes you.

[00:42:15] He fancies you.

[00:42:16] He's very nice.

[00:42:17] First time someone's on me in years.

[00:42:19] So then I was like should I be complimented.

[00:42:24] Do I say thank you.

[00:42:25] Is this a win or is this an out.

[00:42:27] She's like no no.

[00:42:28] Yeah apparently if a gay man says you're good looking he's better.

[00:42:32] You should take it more flattering than a woman.

[00:42:36] I mean if anybody thinks you're attractive I think you should take it as a compliment really.

[00:42:39] So even though it were a blow when I walked out I was struggling.

[00:42:43] I had my fucking mouth.

[00:42:44] Oh nice like a little peacock.

[00:42:45] That what.

[00:42:46] And then I was saying to her listen I have options.

[00:42:50] Me and Mario will get our own flat and I will live my new life in Rome.

[00:42:58] Nice.

[00:42:59] So yeah that would.

[00:43:00] How many times did you eat gelato?

[00:43:03] Only once.

[00:43:04] Only fucking once?

[00:43:05] Yeah only once.

[00:43:06] I had gelato at fucking half past six in the morning.

[00:43:10] It would be cost like you want to eat all these different foods don't you.

[00:43:13] Yeah that didn't stop me.

[00:43:14] Now for me being like and believe it or not I fill up very easy.

[00:43:19] Yeah.

[00:43:20] So like literally one meal fills me for a day.

[00:43:22] Yeah but if you think about it in Rome you've got an excuse to eat as much as

[00:43:26] you want, as lot as you want because you're doing like new 30,000 steps every day.

[00:43:29] Yeah and that's the problem so I don't want to be full and then walking.

[00:43:32] OK fair.

[00:43:33] Because I'd be like oh even more drained.

[00:43:36] But I had a good munch on everything.

[00:43:41] Becca had this theory in entire Rome because everything's big, all the doors are big,

[00:43:47] all the ceilings are big, everything's big.

[00:43:50] She had a theory that the Romans were giants.

[00:43:54] OK.

[00:43:55] So she thinks giants built like the Colosseum.

[00:44:00] Right.

[00:44:01] And that's why they had such big doors.

[00:44:03] I mean that would be a fair assumption if there weren't so much fucking documentation

[00:44:08] from that era.

[00:44:09] Yeah and this is best right.

[00:44:11] So wait let me just get this story right.

[00:44:14] We waited 45 minutes to look through a door keyhole.

[00:44:17] Or is it that one where you can see Vatican through it?

[00:44:20] Yeah.

[00:44:21] So we waited 45 minutes but on top it's got Italian in it and one of the words

[00:44:28] on that on top of this door where you look through the keyhole said Malta.

[00:44:32] Right.

[00:44:33] So Becca thought when you look through the keyhole.

[00:44:36] No she didn't, no she didn't.

[00:44:38] She did not think that.

[00:44:39] No way.

[00:44:40] You could see Malta in the country.

[00:44:42] No.

[00:44:43] No no no.

[00:44:44] You're taking piss.

[00:44:45] Oh this is deadly serious.

[00:44:46] Wait wait.

[00:44:47] Ask her out of here.

[00:44:48] Deadly serious.

[00:44:49] She thought you could see Malta.

[00:44:50] So it weren't even like a fucking telescope or anything it's just through a keyhole.

[00:44:53] Just look keyhole yeah.

[00:44:54] I refuse to believe that.

[00:44:57] Yeah that was mad.

[00:45:02] Mate your missus has got mad vision if she can see fucking.

[00:45:06] What the fuck would she see?

[00:45:07] I can't believe we're going to see Malta.

[00:45:09] What?

[00:45:10] It says it up there Malta.

[00:45:11] Why did it say Malta?

[00:45:12] Is that an Italian word?

[00:45:13] Italian word for some reason.

[00:45:14] Yeah.

[00:45:15] We can see Malta.

[00:45:16] You should have just let her on.

[00:45:19] Just let her think it.

[00:45:21] We went to keyhole and saw Malta.

[00:45:24] That would be funny.

[00:45:26] But yeah no we're good man.

[00:45:30] I love to rub.

[00:45:31] What were your favourite food that you had?

[00:45:34] Carbonara.

[00:45:35] Nice.

[00:45:36] Definitely carbonara.

[00:45:37] Either that or the deli sandwiches.

[00:45:40] I never had a deli sandwich.

[00:45:42] I'd have to go back.

[00:45:43] I never had one.

[00:45:44] Like I had a full fucking big daddy mate.

[00:45:46] I had pepperoni, pastrami, salami, ham all this thing.

[00:45:52] Fuck it.

[00:45:53] This like sauce is on it.

[00:45:54] Oh my god.

[00:45:55] Mine were, I had a four cheese gnocchi in a restaurant near the Coliseum.

[00:45:59] It was fucking fantastic.

[00:46:00] It was best.

[00:46:01] It was just pure cheese.

[00:46:04] It was nice.

[00:46:05] Yeah.

[00:46:06] But yeah it was very nice.

[00:46:08] Did you ever have any arancini?

[00:46:10] Did you have any arancini?

[00:46:12] Is that a pasta?

[00:46:13] No.

[00:46:14] So me and, I think it's called arancini.

[00:46:16] Me and, you know me.

[00:46:18] I'd like TripAdvisor everything.

[00:46:19] I found this nice little street food vendor on TripAdvisor.

[00:46:22] He got shit loads of reviews.

[00:46:24] All good.

[00:46:25] And you can get like these square pizza slices there.

[00:46:30] It's quite cheap.

[00:46:31] You can get square pizza slices and you get these other things.

[00:46:33] I think it's called arancini.

[00:46:34] I might be getting it wrong.

[00:46:35] So it's a deep fried rice ball that's got cheese and sauce in the middle.

[00:46:38] Yes.

[00:46:39] We didn't have them but yes I know what you mean.

[00:46:40] Fucking right nice.

[00:46:41] We had them.

[00:46:42] Honestly they were so good.

[00:46:44] They were right nice.

[00:46:45] Yeah.

[00:46:46] I want to go back.

[00:46:48] I think we both want to go back.

[00:46:49] But apparently I've seen.

[00:46:50] I won't go back to Rome though.

[00:46:51] We'd love to go back.

[00:46:53] I won't go back to Rome.

[00:46:54] I think you went this year right and it's been incredibly busy this year Rome.

[00:46:58] I think I've seen a load of videos saying how busy it's been this year.

[00:47:01] You've already seen it.

[00:47:02] Yeah but.

[00:47:03] All of it.

[00:47:04] You've seen it but you've not seen.

[00:47:06] I don't feel like you've seen everything.

[00:47:09] The major stuff you see don't you?

[00:47:11] Yeah fair enough but like we'd probably just go back for culture and food and stuff like that.

[00:47:15] Yeah but I'd do that but I'd go somewhere else in Italy.

[00:47:18] Oh yeah oh yeah definitely.

[00:47:19] We'd go somewhere else.

[00:47:20] But we would like to go back to Rome.

[00:47:21] We both loved Rome.

[00:47:22] I'd go to like Florence or.

[00:47:23] I could have spent about four days in Vatican Museum.

[00:47:26] I loved museums.

[00:47:27] I thought that was the race.

[00:47:29] Same with Louvre.

[00:47:30] I thought Louvre in France were good.

[00:47:31] I thought the Louvre were the best thing about our trip to Paris.

[00:47:34] Yeah and then it all went downhill when I got back.

[00:47:38] Yeah when you got the three deadly things.

[00:47:41] Yeah.

[00:47:42] So you had a broken shower.

[00:47:44] Broken shower.

[00:47:45] What were the next one?

[00:47:47] I can't remember.

[00:47:48] So you've had three bad things that have happened to you this past week.

[00:47:52] The broken shower.

[00:47:53] Yes.

[00:47:54] I got robbed.

[00:47:55] Yes so you just completely missed that so you're going to tell everybody.

[00:47:59] I got cyber attacked.

[00:48:00] Yeah.

[00:48:01] Somebody took all my money.

[00:48:02] Yeah.

[00:48:04] They literally did.

[00:48:05] So apparently there's a thing where people can clone your fucking cards.

[00:48:09] Yeah.

[00:48:10] If you use a chip and pin machine.

[00:48:11] Mm hmm.

[00:48:12] So I.

[00:48:13] They're sneaky.

[00:48:14] I've seen videos of people that have got.

[00:48:16] That have found them on like card machines.

[00:48:19] Yeah.

[00:48:20] And if they didn't know you wouldn't know because like.

[00:48:23] I didn't know either.

[00:48:24] It literally just slips on and you couldn't even tell the difference.

[00:48:26] It's mad.

[00:48:27] So all my money gone.

[00:48:29] Yeah.

[00:48:30] I mean the bank sought it but.

[00:48:33] So that was very bad.

[00:48:34] I will like the day I saw it.

[00:48:35] Do you know how heartbreaking it was to go on your banking app and go.

[00:48:40] Where the fuck has it gone?

[00:48:41] Yeah where's my money?

[00:48:42] Yeah.

[00:48:43] My heart sank.

[00:48:44] I went for tobacco like chuffing Ian Beale crying.

[00:48:47] I thought nothing left.

[00:48:51] Yeah.

[00:48:52] Fucking hell.

[00:48:53] Yeah but they're sorting it.

[00:48:54] Well it's a good job of you getting sorted though isn't it?

[00:48:56] Yeah.

[00:48:57] Barely to mind they have to do an investigation to mech out if it's your fault or not.

[00:49:00] Yeah.

[00:49:02] Like how can it be my fault?

[00:49:03] Because you might.

[00:49:05] The person who stole it might be your friend that you accidentally get access to through that thing.

[00:49:10] It's a bit of a long jump in it to do that.

[00:49:12] Yeah but that's an easy scam.

[00:49:16] You know somebody who's got a card machine and you went into a shop and they own that shop and they've got that card machine and they scammed it.

[00:49:23] Yeah.

[00:49:24] So you know that they're going to scam you and you've got all your money in there so he gets your money and then you get your money back from the bank.

[00:49:31] That's a pretty easy scam.

[00:49:32] Yeah but you could only do it once couldn't you?

[00:49:34] Yeah.

[00:49:35] Because if you rang up again and go ah my money's gone again.

[00:49:38] You could only do it once but if you've got lots of friends you could do it multiple times.

[00:49:42] Yeah.

[00:49:43] Jim?

[00:49:44] So yeah.

[00:49:46] I don't know what the third thing was.

[00:49:48] You've got fucking rats in your decking.

[00:49:50] Oh yeah I had some rats yeah.

[00:49:54] We had some rats and all.

[00:49:56] They've gone though apparently and because Bekah wanted to do it in humane way or humane way whichever.

[00:50:04] Basically not kill them so I'd have just gone out there and put loads of traps down.

[00:50:08] Get fucking air rifle out.

[00:50:09] Yeah and fucking shot the bastards but no we've got to do it.

[00:50:12] We've got to heal my rights.

[00:50:14] You know if you would like to capture it and release it you'd have to take it miles and miles and miles away from you house because they find it way back.

[00:50:21] So what we figured out and the reason why it's gone is because they were climbing up and eating the bird food.

[00:50:27] Oh right okay.

[00:50:28] Because they feed the birds.

[00:50:29] Right.

[00:50:30] So we caught them climbing up the post so we haven't fed the birds.

[00:50:35] So to get rid of the rats we've starved the birds.

[00:50:38] Okay.

[00:50:39] Well we haven't seen rats.

[00:50:40] So now the rats are eating the birds.

[00:50:42] So we're hoping the rats have just pissed off and thought that fucking food toast has gone from here now.

[00:50:46] I doubt it they'll be looking at everybody's bins around.

[00:50:48] Well I said to them I said well it would be better keeping them on a side and feeding them up there.

[00:50:53] No because then you like breeding a population.

[00:50:55] Yeah but then now they're going to start finding food somewhere else and start coming closer to the house.

[00:50:59] Well that is also true but I think feeding them is not a good option.

[00:51:03] So we just kill them.

[00:51:04] Exactly.

[00:51:05] That is the best option.

[00:51:06] The rats there's fucking there's millions of them.

[00:51:08] And dogs abscessing here running up and down decking all the time like sniffing it going.

[00:51:13] Apparently cat piss if you can get a cat to freshly piss everywhere they don't like it.

[00:51:18] Or a snake.

[00:51:19] Or raccoon piss if you can get some raccoon piss from somewhere.

[00:51:22] Where the fuck am I going to get a raccoon piss?

[00:51:23] Where the fuck am I going to get a raccoon piss?

[00:51:24] I don't know but if you can get some fresh piss shipped over from a zoo I don't know something like that.

[00:51:28] Excuse me can you just fucking piss all over my decking.

[00:51:32] Yeah they don't like smell of it.

[00:51:37] Yeah that's it oh and then the last thing before we go to the segment I went to Nezbra.

[00:51:41] Oh yeah.

[00:51:42] And we didn't split up this time.

[00:51:44] Very nice can you fill people in so me and Billy didn't split up.

[00:51:48] So last time we went to Nezbra it was me, you and his missus weren't it.

[00:51:53] Yeah we were rowing boats.

[00:51:54] Rowing boats.

[00:51:55] Jack we're like fucking Cersei Redgrave just fucking bombing it up and down.

[00:52:00] Doing 360's.

[00:52:01] This is my first time I've ever fucking rowed in my life.

[00:52:03] But how it operates is I'm the engine.

[00:52:06] This is how he explained it.

[00:52:07] Were you just going to say I'm the engine?

[00:52:08] Yeah that's how he explained it.

[00:52:10] I'm the engine and she's the driver.

[00:52:12] Right.

[00:52:13] Because she has the little strings that steer the boat.

[00:52:17] And we kept crashing.

[00:52:18] It's not strings it's a rudder innit.

[00:52:20] Well whatever yeah.

[00:52:21] And I kept crashing because she kept fucking not steering.

[00:52:25] Yeah.

[00:52:26] So we had a big argument, a big blow up.

[00:52:29] Yeah.

[00:52:30] So Billy uses this argument but when me and Emma did it the rudder is not even

[00:52:35] isn't the rudder not that big compared to the oars that you get.

[00:52:39] So like you don't even need the rudder really to steer anything.

[00:52:42] I told Emma to let go of it completely and I just stayed for us.

[00:52:45] Why are you sticking up for her?

[00:52:47] I'm just making a point.

[00:52:48] It's supposed to be on my side.

[00:52:49] That rudder was incredibly small.

[00:52:51] Well I figured it out anyway.

[00:52:53] Like if you row with one arm you're going to turn a certain direction.

[00:52:58] Yeah and so I get that but I can't see where I'm going.

[00:53:02] You don't need to.

[00:53:03] I'm rowing behind.

[00:53:04] Yeah so you row quite a few and then you look behind and then you row quite

[00:53:08] a few and then you look behind.

[00:53:10] Look I'm only going to see that way or that way.

[00:53:12] Turn your fucking body round.

[00:53:14] I'm not an owl.

[00:53:15] You're not a fucking pole.

[00:53:16] Turn round.

[00:53:17] I'm not an owl.

[00:53:18] You don't need to be.

[00:53:19] Right you don't need to keep your chest.

[00:53:20] She's my eyes.

[00:53:21] You don't need to keep your chest forward when you look round.

[00:53:23] You can turn your entire body round.

[00:53:25] No because then I was scared I'd let go of oars.

[00:53:27] There were clamps on them so they would not fall off.

[00:53:31] They weren't very secure.

[00:53:33] Right.

[00:53:35] So she were my eyes.

[00:53:36] Right.

[00:53:37] Anyway.

[00:53:38] So it's Bekah's fault twice?

[00:53:39] No because we didn't crash.

[00:53:40] Well we had a little crash but.

[00:53:42] Oh it's fault we didn't crash.

[00:53:43] It's fault we didn't crash.

[00:53:44] She admitted it were hers.

[00:53:45] Oh okay nice.

[00:53:46] So if I go down the stairs and ask her whose fault the crash was she'll admit it were

[00:53:50] hers.

[00:53:51] Yeah.

[00:53:52] Okay.

[00:53:53] And we took the dog this time.

[00:53:54] Just for the added drama.

[00:53:55] Yeah.

[00:53:56] Just to make it more spicy.

[00:53:57] Yeah.

[00:53:58] He didn't like it.

[00:53:59] It'd been fun if he did like a nervous poo or something while he was on board.

[00:54:02] What he didn't like is when you row.

[00:54:05] Yeah.

[00:54:06] It squeaks.

[00:54:07] Yeah.

[00:54:08] So that kept hurting his ears so he kept crying.

[00:54:09] Alright okay.

[00:54:10] Bless him.

[00:54:11] So probably fucking expensive isn't it?

[00:54:12] Has it gone up since the last time we did it?

[00:54:14] Tenner per person.

[00:54:15] So it's 20 quid.

[00:54:16] Fucking hell it would.

[00:54:17] That's way more than what it were when we went last time.

[00:54:21] Everything's gone up in price.

[00:54:23] And you get an hour.

[00:54:24] Right.

[00:54:25] I'm not being funny you don't need an hour on a boat do you?

[00:54:27] 20 quid is not bad for an hour on that.

[00:54:29] It's a lovely river.

[00:54:30] I'd have rather paid a tenner and had half an hour.

[00:54:33] Well couldn't you have asked for that?

[00:54:37] I don't know.

[00:54:38] I think it would just set prices.

[00:54:40] But yeah you don't need an hour.

[00:54:42] Yeah but if you get an hour you can do all your fucking macho racing up and down.

[00:54:47] Look at me look how good I am.

[00:54:48] And then you can have half an hour to just sit in your light and actually relax and enjoy it.

[00:54:52] Apparently this is a rare species we saw.

[00:54:54] And everyone was buzzing about it.

[00:54:56] Even passerby boas were like oh my god I've just seen this.

[00:54:59] A kingfisher.

[00:55:00] They're very fucking rare.

[00:55:01] Yeah we saw one of them.

[00:55:02] Little blue birds.

[00:55:03] Yeah.

[00:55:04] Nice.

[00:55:05] And then like a couple of old bastards are like I can't have just seen a kingfisher.

[00:55:08] I've just seen a kingfisher.

[00:55:10] I've got no idea.

[00:55:11] I've no idea.

[00:55:12] And Becker's like yeah there was two.

[00:55:13] There was two.

[00:55:14] And I'm like where?

[00:55:15] Where?

[00:55:16] Yeah.

[00:55:17] Fuck it all.

[00:55:18] Like some fucking rare collection bird.

[00:55:21] Yeah.

[00:55:22] Nice.

[00:55:23] Anyway big cheese let's get to it's segment.

[00:55:25] We'll do it's segment.

[00:55:26] Yeah.

[00:55:27] We've refashioned one again because you know.

[00:55:30] Riddles.

[00:55:31] Who cares.

[00:55:32] You ready for the song?

[00:55:33] Yes.

[00:55:34] Segment time.

[00:55:35] Segment time.

[00:55:36] It is segment time.

[00:55:38] Yeah.

[00:55:39] Oh yeah.

[00:55:40] Segment time.

[00:55:41] Like an angel.

[00:55:50] So we're going to quiz we're going to give each other some riddles and let's see who

[00:55:57] gets it right.

[00:55:58] Who's going first?

[00:55:59] I will go.

[00:56:00] Rock paper scissors.

[00:56:01] Yes rock paper scissors.

[00:56:02] Just trying to find the thing.

[00:56:03] On four.

[00:56:04] Oh my god wait wait wait wait.

[00:56:05] I've got a website up.

[00:56:06] Oh my god wait.

[00:56:07] I'm going to have to look it up.

[00:56:09] On four.

[00:56:10] Oh my god wait wait wait wait.

[00:56:12] I'm going to have to look it up.

[00:56:15] Oh my god wait.

[00:56:16] Three two one go.

[00:56:17] Three two one go.

[00:56:20] Three two one go.

[00:56:22] Three two one go.

[00:56:24] Fuck.

[00:56:25] Yeah buddy.

[00:56:27] I will go first.

[00:56:31] Okay.

[00:56:32] First riddle.

[00:56:35] I have a head like a cat and feet like a cat but I am not a cat.

[00:56:42] What am I?

[00:56:48] Cogs are turning.

[00:56:49] A burglar.

[00:56:50] No.

[00:56:51] A mouse.

[00:56:53] Were you thinking cat burglar?

[00:56:55] I have a head like a cat and feet like a cat but I am not a cat.

[00:57:01] What am I?

[00:57:02] I mean just repeat it don't make me fucking think anymore.

[00:57:05] Well you said a mouse so.

[00:57:08] Yeah a head like a cat.

[00:57:09] A cat.

[00:57:10] No.

[00:57:12] I have a head like a cat and feet like a cat but I am not a cat.

[00:57:14] A dead cat.

[00:57:15] No.

[00:57:16] I have the head of a cat and feet of a cat but I am not a cat.

[00:57:23] Yeah.

[00:57:24] Catfish?

[00:57:25] No.

[00:57:26] No because that's not going to end with a cat.

[00:57:29] Cat.

[00:57:30] I have the head of a cat and feet of a cat but I am not a cat.

[00:57:34] Head of a cat.

[00:57:35] What has the head of a cat and feet of a cat?

[00:57:38] What have the feet?

[00:57:39] Feet.

[00:57:40] Paws and claws.

[00:57:41] A lion.

[00:57:43] Tiger.

[00:57:44] No.

[00:57:45] A head of a cat and feet like a cat.

[00:57:48] I don't know Paws.

[00:57:49] A kitten.

[00:57:50] Fuck off.

[00:57:51] That's a cat!

[00:57:52] It's a kitten.

[00:57:53] Get fucked.

[00:57:54] That's a fucking cat.

[00:57:55] It's a baby cat.

[00:57:56] That is a fucking cat.

[00:57:57] It's got it's own name.

[00:57:58] That's bollocks.

[00:57:59] It's like a dog and a puppy.

[00:58:02] No way.

[00:58:04] Right.

[00:58:05] Johnny throws a ball as hard as he can.

[00:58:09] It comes back to him even though nothing and nobody touches it.

[00:58:14] How?

[00:58:15] He throws a ball.

[00:58:17] Johnny throws a ball as hard as he can.

[00:58:19] It comes back to him even though nothing and nobody touches it.

[00:58:22] How?

[00:58:23] It's a boomerang.

[00:58:24] No.

[00:58:25] He throws it up in air.

[00:58:27] Well done!

[00:58:28] You got it!

[00:58:29] Nice!

[00:58:30] Fuck her.

[00:58:33] Okay.

[00:58:37] Who makes it has no need of it.

[00:58:40] Who buys it has no use for it.

[00:58:44] Who uses it can neither see nor feel it.

[00:58:47] What is it?

[00:58:48] Whoa, again.

[00:58:51] Who makes it has no need for it.

[00:58:54] So who makes it has no need for it.

[00:58:57] Who buys it has no use for it.

[00:59:00] Who uses it can neither see it nor feel it.

[00:59:04] What is it?

[00:59:05] Contact lenses.

[00:59:06] No.

[00:59:07] Don't repeat it.

[00:59:13] Digital currency?

[00:59:14] I fucking have no idea!

[00:59:16] Who makes it...

[00:59:18] Yes?

[00:59:19] ...has no need for it.

[00:59:20] Who buys it has no use for it.

[00:59:24] Who uses it can neither see it or feel it.

[00:59:28] What is it?

[00:59:31] Peace.

[00:59:32] Peace?

[00:59:33] Fuck it, I don't know!

[00:59:34] Right, this is one thing I've learned from this segment.

[00:59:37] I am fucking shit at riddles.

[00:59:38] Do you want me to repeat it again?

[00:59:43] I don't think repeating it's gonna...

[00:59:45] Do you understand it?

[00:59:47] No.

[00:59:48] Who makes it has no need for it.

[00:59:49] But that could be anything.

[00:59:52] Who buys it has no use for it.

[00:59:54] What do you buy that you have no use for?

[00:59:56] A permit?

[00:59:57] Who uses it can neither see it or feel it.

[01:00:01] What can you buy that you can't see or feel?

[01:00:03] Happiness.

[01:00:04] You can feel happiness.

[01:00:07] What can you see?

[01:00:08] You're gonna kill yourself when you tell answer.

[01:00:10] What is it, like a fucking chair or something?

[01:00:12] A spoon!

[01:00:13] No!

[01:00:14] Drugs!

[01:00:15] No!

[01:00:19] Can I have a clue?

[01:00:22] Sorry, that one means what?

[01:00:24] I don't know.

[01:00:27] The person who uses it...

[01:00:29] If you repeat this fucking thing one more time!

[01:00:31] No, I'm telling you a clue.

[01:00:33] The person who uses it, who can't see it or feel it, lays down in it.

[01:00:37] A bed.

[01:00:38] No.

[01:00:39] Grief.

[01:00:40] No.

[01:00:41] Sadness.

[01:00:42] No.

[01:00:43] Lays down in it.

[01:00:44] Yeah.

[01:00:45] What, I'm close to it with sadness?

[01:00:46] Yeah.

[01:00:47] Err...

[01:00:48] A coffin.

[01:00:49] Yeah!

[01:00:50] Oh, nice!

[01:00:51] Do you get it now?

[01:00:54] Who makes it has no need for it.

[01:00:57] That's the coffin maker.

[01:00:59] Yeah.

[01:01:00] Who buys it has no use for it.

[01:01:02] The relative.

[01:01:03] Who uses it, can nor see it or feel it.

[01:01:06] Yeah, because they're dead.

[01:01:07] They're dead.

[01:01:08] Nice.

[01:01:09] What has legs but doesn't walk?

[01:01:11] A chair.

[01:01:14] No.

[01:01:15] A table.

[01:01:16] Yes.

[01:01:17] You...

[01:01:18] What the fuck?

[01:01:19] No, just call me the fucking riddler!

[01:01:20] Right.

[01:01:21] Obviously, you're a lot better than I am at this.

[01:01:23] I'm going on to hard ones.

[01:01:24] We're at hard ones.

[01:01:25] Are you already on hard ones?

[01:01:27] No.

[01:01:28] Right, I'm going on to fucking hard ones now.

[01:01:30] Because that's ridiculous.

[01:01:32] I clearly can't do it.

[01:01:34] Can I go on the kids' ones please?

[01:01:36] Okay.

[01:01:38] Poor people have it.

[01:01:40] Rich people need it.

[01:01:42] If you eat it, you die.

[01:01:46] What is it?

[01:01:47] Nuclear waste.

[01:01:49] Fucking poor people do know don't need...

[01:01:52] That I've got that.

[01:01:54] Poor people have it.

[01:01:56] Rich people need it.

[01:01:57] If you eat it, you die.

[01:01:59] What is it?

[01:02:00] What can you eat then?

[01:02:04] Poor people have it.

[01:02:05] Rich people don't.

[01:02:06] If you eat it, you die.

[01:02:10] Illnesses.

[01:02:11] No.

[01:02:12] How can you eat an illness?

[01:02:16] I'm horrendous at riddles!

[01:02:18] This does not compute in my head whatsoever.

[01:02:21] Poor people have got it.

[01:02:24] Rich people want it.

[01:02:26] If you eat it, you die.

[01:02:31] Poisoned cake.

[01:02:33] And how many poor people have that?

[01:02:35] What do poor people have that rich people want?

[01:02:37] Nothing.

[01:02:38] That's the answer.

[01:02:40] Is that it?

[01:02:41] That's it.

[01:02:43] People have it don't they?

[01:02:44] They have nothing.

[01:02:45] Okay.

[01:02:46] I've gone into a hard section for you now.

[01:02:49] You're not having two in two.

[01:02:52] A woman shoots her husband, then she holds him under water for five minutes.

[01:02:58] Next she hangs him.

[01:03:00] Right after that they enjoy a lovely dinner.

[01:03:03] How?

[01:03:05] She shoots him.

[01:03:06] Then she drowns him.

[01:03:08] Let's do it again because I should imagine people listening to this trying to do it themselves.

[01:03:11] So, a woman shoots her husband, then she holds him under water for five minutes.

[01:03:17] Next she hangs him.

[01:03:18] Right after that they enjoy a lovely dinner.

[01:03:21] How?

[01:03:23] She's eating him.

[01:03:26] No.

[01:03:29] Do you know what?

[01:03:30] It always seems, you know when you're reading it you think, oh yeah that makes sense.

[01:03:33] But when you're hearing it, it just does not compute does it?

[01:03:37] Well it does for you so far but not for this one.

[01:03:39] She shoots him, holds him under water.

[01:03:41] Yeah.

[01:03:42] Then hangs him.

[01:03:43] Yeah.

[01:03:44] Then has a little bit of his clothes.

[01:03:50] No.

[01:03:51] She hangs his clothes.

[01:03:52] No.

[01:03:56] She shoots him.

[01:03:59] She shoots her husband.

[01:04:01] Yes.

[01:04:02] So she shoots her husband, she holds him under water, then she hangs him and then she has

[01:04:07] a lovely dinner with him.

[01:04:08] How?

[01:04:10] Yeah how?

[01:04:12] She's had to do in a weird dead man.

[01:04:15] No.

[01:04:16] I don't know, I'm struggling on this one.

[01:04:21] It's something that's incorporated into your phone but obviously you don't use your

[01:04:25] phone for this purpose.

[01:04:27] I think I'm pretty into your phone but you don't use it.

[01:04:31] Or does Uber eat?

[01:04:33] You won't be able to use your phone in this question.

[01:04:35] What?

[01:04:37] That makes no sense.

[01:04:38] Did she order a takeaway?

[01:04:43] She took a picture of him and developed it in her dark room.

[01:04:47] So an actual old picture, so you take the picture and then you put it under water

[01:04:51] don't you, till it like, I don't know how pictures work.

[01:04:54] Oh she shot him with a camera.

[01:04:55] She shot him with a camera, she held him under water in the picture and then she

[01:04:58] hung it up to dry and then she went out for a dinner with her husband.

[01:05:01] That's clever, very very clever.

[01:05:07] Okay an easy one for you.

[01:05:12] What is at the end of a rainbow?

[01:05:15] A little Irish person holding the fucking tub of money.

[01:05:19] Err happiness?

[01:05:20] No.

[01:05:21] Hope?

[01:05:22] No.

[01:05:23] Potatoes?

[01:05:24] What is at the end of a rainbow?

[01:05:25] W.

[01:05:26] Yeah.

[01:05:27] Nice.

[01:05:28] Yeah so you got it.

[01:05:29] How can you

[01:06:00] In front of a mirror?

[01:06:02] No.

[01:06:03] How can you stand, how can you physically stand behind your father?

[01:06:11] His shadow?

[01:06:12] No.

[01:06:13] You're in his shadow?

[01:06:14] No.

[01:06:15] How can you physically stand behind your father?

[01:06:18] Behind you.

[01:06:19] You're gonna kick yourself when I say it.

[01:06:23] How can, wait, I can get it.

[01:06:25] How can you physically stand behind your father?

[01:06:29] When he's standing behind you.

[01:06:40] What is always in front of you?

[01:06:41] No.

[01:06:42] I don't know.

[01:06:43] You and your father are standing back to back.

[01:06:47] Oh for fuck's sake.

[01:06:54] What is always in front of you, but can't be seen?

[01:06:59] The future.

[01:07:00] Oh shit yeah.

[01:07:01] This is more my vibe, the kids ones.

[01:07:03] Yeah.

[01:07:04] Let me get back onto Auden.

[01:07:07] You ready?

[01:07:09] Yep.

[01:07:10] What speaks without a mouth hears without ears has no body but comes alive with wind.

[01:07:21] What speaks without a mouth?

[01:07:23] So once again, what speaks without a mouth hears without ears has no body but comes

[01:07:30] alive with wind.

[01:07:32] A balloon.

[01:07:33] No.

[01:07:34] That's a good shout though.

[01:07:35] Kinda.

[01:07:36] Erm, what speaks without a mouth hears without no ears.

[01:07:44] Has no body but comes alive with wind.

[01:07:47] A tree?

[01:07:51] No.

[01:07:52] A leaf?

[01:07:53] No.

[01:07:54] A leaf has a body.

[01:07:58] A flower?

[01:07:59] A flower has a body.

[01:08:00] What has no body?

[01:08:05] What speaks without a mouth?

[01:08:07] So it hasn't got a mouth.

[01:08:09] What hears without ears?

[01:08:10] It hasn't got ears.

[01:08:11] It has no body but comes alive with wind.

[01:08:14] AI.

[01:08:15] It's getting very close.

[01:08:18] They're going to replace the sum then but no that's wrong.

[01:08:23] If you were AI, AI would have got that immediately.

[01:08:26] What is it?

[01:08:27] An echo.

[01:08:28] Speaks without a mouth.

[01:08:31] Speaks without a mouth.

[01:08:32] If you shout it will say it back to you.

[01:08:34] If you say something it can hear it.

[01:08:37] It's got no body but then if wind goes, you can hear wind through an echo.

[01:08:42] True.

[01:08:44] That's a good one.

[01:08:45] I'm getting pissed off now because I can't guess them.

[01:08:48] Right, what goes through cities and fields but never moves?

[01:08:52] Say it again.

[01:08:53] What goes through cities and fields but never moves?

[01:08:58] Roads?

[01:09:03] Yeah.

[01:09:04] Did I get that?

[01:09:05] Yeah.

[01:09:06] Well not roads, a road.

[01:09:08] Nice.

[01:09:09] That went hard, I don't know.

[01:09:12] What can you hold in your right hand but never in your left hand?

[01:09:15] Your left hand.

[01:09:16] You fucker.

[01:09:18] I've heard that one before.

[01:09:21] I think this is the last step.

[01:09:23] Yeah whatever, sorry I'm just getting carried away with these.

[01:09:25] Right, are we going to do one for listeners at end?

[01:09:29] Let's have a guess at that.

[01:09:31] Yes.

[01:09:32] In a bus there is a 26 year old pregnant lady, a 30 year old policeman.

[01:09:39] Start again, sorry.

[01:09:40] In a bus there is a 26 year old pregnant lady, a 30 year old policeman, a 52 year

[01:09:49] old random woman and the driver who is 65 years old, who is the youngest.

[01:09:57] The baby in the 25 year old woman's body?

[01:10:02] Yeah the baby of the pregnant lady.

[01:10:03] Oh nice.

[01:10:04] The baby of the pregnant lady, yeah.

[01:10:09] A girl has as many brothers as sisters.

[01:10:13] Each brother has only half as many brothers as sisters.

[01:10:17] How many brothers and sisters are in their family?

[01:10:20] Fuck.

[01:10:21] Fuck.

[01:10:24] These always get me these, I could never just...

[01:10:27] Right, a girl has as many brothers as sisters.

[01:10:31] Each brother has only half as many brothers as sisters.

[01:10:35] How many brothers and sisters are there in the family?

[01:10:38] One.

[01:10:40] No.

[01:10:41] None.

[01:10:42] No.

[01:10:43] Two.

[01:10:44] No.

[01:10:45] Don't, come on.

[01:10:46] I won't be able to get it.

[01:10:47] It's not even a number is it?

[01:10:48] Dave!

[01:10:49] Dave!

[01:10:51] A girl has as many brothers as sisters.

[01:10:54] Each brother has only half as many brothers as sisters.

[01:10:59] How many brothers and sisters are there in the family?

[01:11:02] One.

[01:11:03] Two.

[01:11:04] No.

[01:11:05] Four.

[01:11:06] Five.

[01:11:07] There are four sisters and three brothers.

[01:11:10] I don't fucking think about that.

[01:11:17] Right, let's do...

[01:11:18] I'll do a last one.

[01:11:22] I have no life but I can die.

[01:11:25] What am I?

[01:11:26] Billy.

[01:11:31] I have no life but can die, a battery?

[01:11:33] Yeah.

[01:11:34] Nice.

[01:11:35] I'll give you one more and then we're even and then we'll do one for audience

[01:11:39] so they can have a go at it.

[01:12:02] Right.

[01:12:04] I have keys but no locks.

[01:12:06] I have a space but no room.

[01:12:08] You can enter but you can't go outside.

[01:12:11] What am I?

[01:12:13] I have keys but no...

[01:12:14] What's the other one?

[01:12:19] I have keys but no locks.

[01:12:21] I have a space but no room.

[01:12:23] You can enter but you can't go outside.

[01:12:26] What am I?

[01:12:29] The atmosphere?

[01:12:30] No.

[01:12:31] Keys but no locks.

[01:12:33] I have keys but no locks.

[01:12:36] I have a space but no room.

[01:12:38] You can enter but you cannot go outside.

[01:12:41] What am I?

[01:12:42] You can't go outside.

[01:12:46] Sorry, I had words in there.

[01:12:48] Space but no room.

[01:13:01] You can enter but you can't go outside.

[01:13:07] Something weird.

[01:13:17] A castle?

[01:13:18] No.

[01:13:19] I don't know.

[01:13:20] A keyboard.

[01:13:22] Fuck!

[01:13:26] That's very obvious.

[01:13:28] Right, have you got one for audience or do you want me to get one?

[01:13:30] You can do one.

[01:13:43] Sorry, pardon me.

[01:13:54] I'm just trying to think of a rate odd one that no fucker will be able to get.

[01:13:58] That's not fair is it?

[01:13:59] Fucking hell, that one you said has just come up on my mind.

[01:14:12] What the keyboard one?

[01:14:13] Right, so this is for the audience.

[01:14:19] It belongs to you but your friends use it more.

[01:14:23] What is it?

[01:14:24] Yeah?

[01:14:25] It belongs to you but your friends use it more.

[01:14:33] What is it?

[01:14:35] Very nice.

[01:14:36] And we will leave it at that.

[01:14:37] Thanks guys.

[01:14:38] Send us a message on Instagram for a chance to win Fuck All.

[01:14:41] Yeah man.

[01:14:42] Well, a shout out.

[01:14:43] A shout out, yeah.

[01:14:44] There you go.

[01:14:45] If you get the right answer, well whoever gets the right answer, we're not limiting

[01:14:49] to one person, whoever gets the right answer drop us a message on Instagram on

[01:14:54] our mind map account so it's at mind map underscore podcast in it with the right

[01:15:01] answer and then we will give you a shout out if you get a rate.

[01:15:05] Thanks guys.

[01:15:06] Cheers guys.

[01:15:07] Bye.

[01:15:08] Bye.