Not the Answer

[00:00:03] Feiere mit uns 25 Jahre Stage Entertainment und erlebe das Popmusical und Julia in Hamburg. Jetzt jedes zweite Ticket ab 25 Euro sichern, limitiert und nur für kurze Zeit buchbar unter Musicals.de Shall we do a podcast? What would we even call it? MindMap? Ah, go on then.

[00:00:41] Welcome back to another episode of MindMap with Billy and Jack. Nobody fucking cares about that. Did you know that the Cuvier beat Whale? I've said that so wrong. That's not how you say it at all. I don't know, I'm dyslexic. I'm trying to read that. It's just so stupid. Cuvier. The Cuvier beat Whale. I don't know why I've said it in French. The Cuvier beat Whale holds the world record by a mammal for the longest holding its breath underwater. I want you to guess how long it is, because it's obscene.

[00:01:11] It is like a whale, I think. I've already said it's a whale that four times. Are you alright? I don't know. I'm having a bit of a stroke. Well, I don't know. They fucking stay under there for hours, don't they? About three hours. Oh. Oh wait, hang on. It's in minutes. They get me in minutes. 180 minutes. What did you say? How many? 180 minutes. It's more than that.

[00:01:41] 200 minutes. It's 222 minutes. Wow. Now, I thought this would be fun, why I brought this up, because just for shits and giggles, right, I've got a stopwatch on my thing, and me and you are going to have a little competition straight off at bat, so you can hold the breath for the longest. Bearing in mind I'm an ex-smoker. Yeah, because I just think this would just be fun. I've not told Billy this, I'm just going to let it just be funny. Who wants to go first? Rock, paper, scissors? Yeah.

[00:02:11] Three, two, one, go. No. So, who's going first? You're going first. Ah, okay. Because I feel like it'd be easier to beat. Okay. So, I'll talk while Billy's doing it. Live death on a podcast. Yeah, so you're going to have to hold your nose as well, so I know that you're not breathing through your nose. Yeah. And I want you to do this, so I can see your mouth. Ready? Yeah. Three, take a big breath. Three, two, one, go. This is very unusual. I've just completely read them because I saw the breathing thing.

[00:02:41] But, yeah, so we're up to... You've got ten seconds, Bill. How are we feeling? Can I have a thumbs up? All right. Yeah. Okay. Fifteen seconds. Oh, sorry. I'm pretty gassy because I'm drinking a Copperberg alcohol-free cider. We're not sponsored by them yet, but we will be eventually. Thirty seconds. Thirty seconds. He's still going well. While he's doing that, I'll speak to you, listeners.

[00:03:10] Did you enjoy the adverts? Oh, there we go. Forty seconds. Forty seconds. I'd fucking... I'd die, me. I'd have died in Titanic. I'd have got fucking thirsting. I was trying to technique, and I was trying to swallow it. Swallow. You're swallowing what? Just like swallowing... Forty seconds. It's not bad. Yeah. Okay. It's my go. Okay. And I'm just going to narrate it. You're narrating. You can also...

[00:03:39] I mean, I was just about to ask the viewers what they thought of these new adverts as well. Leave a comment in Spotify. You can leave comments there on things. Right. I'm not going to do this. I won't breathe from my nose. I'm holding my breath for you. Okay. So, we're currently... I don't know how many seconds, because I haven't got the stopwatch. Oh, I can see the stopwatch. Oh, he's 10 seconds in.

[00:04:09] Well, this is definitely an unusual start to a podcast, isn't it? 20 seconds. And he's in. What a lovely weather today. Sun's shining. Jack's got a red head. 30 seconds. And... He's struggling. Mm-mm. Oh, no. He's fucking zoned out. He's gone. He's beat me. He's still going.

[00:04:40] He's still going. Isaac going. Isaac going. Oh! Oh! Fucking hell. That's hard, isn't it? Yeah. That were only 48 seconds. That's pathetic. That's quite bad, really. 48 seconds. So, if we're in a fucking... A car that submerges into water, we've basically got 40 seconds.

[00:05:06] We've got 48 seconds to get out of that car and then get above water. Or we die. I've gone a little bit lighter. It's fucking hell. I've never... I've never drank my alcohol-free Copperberg. That's scary. So, you've got 40 seconds to survive and I've got 48. I feel I could... I can do it a lot better in water, though. Do you think? I think so, yeah. Fucking let's get a bowl of water in here. Let's try it. Edit bowl. This episode is turning to salt.

[00:05:37] Just childish games. Yeah, it's mad. And how long was the whale? 222 minutes. We did... Wow. You did 40 seconds and I did 48 seconds. Wow. That whale did 222 minutes, just to put that in perspective. What are they doing down there? Fuck knows. And he's holding his breath. Holding his breath, yeah. She or she, whoever the whale is. Well, male or female, yeah. And what? And they're just... They're literally like holding them right... Yeah, so they come up, don't they? At the blowhole. At the blowhole.

[00:06:06] There she blows! I suppose. So then you breathe, they take a big breath of air, and then they go down and just fuck about, don't they? For obviously 222 minutes. Like they eat the smallest thing, don't they? Plankton. Isn't that like the smallest? I actually don't know what the diet consists of. I have no idea on that, to be honest. Wow. But yeah, I just thought... I thought it'd be interesting for us to put in perspective how insane that is for a mammal to hold the breath for 222 minutes. I was ashamed when I said it was.

[00:06:36] Five seconds. We didn't even hit a minute. Five seconds. I feel like I could have done, but I started fucking up towards the end. Yeah. We're going to die. This is a challenge to listeners. I'll unclench your breath. And video it. Yeah, video it. If you die, we're not responsible. TM. If you get a brain seizure, we're not responsible. Yeah. Put your times down in the comments on Spotify, because I've noticed that there's a comment

[00:07:04] section now, which would be cool if people want to talk. There's mosquito at room. I've got... Fuck off. I fucking hate them bastards. It's fine. It's more scary to you than you are. I'm fucking... Ten toes down. Sorry, there's a web up here. Sorry. I'm ten toes down for a mosquito genocide. Honestly. Bear in mind, guys. We'll be going into a new studio soon. Yeah. Well, an actual studio. Why are we whistling? I don't know. It's kind of cool.

[00:07:34] Shall I crack on with my joke? Yeah. Go. Right. It's not a question. I like the type of the joke. Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a school bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver. Nice. That is so fucking funny. Very nice. Anyway. Sorry, it's been a bit of a delayed episode.

[00:08:03] Jack decided to go on his jollies. Yeah. Do you want to tell me how you've been first? I should imagine you've not really done much. No offence. That sounded very catty. No, no, no. I went to Birmingham. And obviously all day. Through choice, or were you held hostage? Yeah. I've worked away, so I went to Birmingham. Nice. It's not as bad as what it says on the news. Oh, with the bin thing. I've seen the bin thing.

[00:08:33] But it does. Like, I'm not being no offence to Brummies, because they will probably come and stab me. But where did you go in Birmingham, though? Well, obviously I stayed in the centre, but to get to the centre, obviously I drove through domestic areas. I'm going to say, because it's all in domestic areas. It's not in centre. What's being funny, mate? I mean, it might have just been the one particular area I went through in Birmingham. But there was like settees and that. Okay. Yeah. Outside. So I think they've, obviously, the rubbish hasn't been collected, but I think they've just

[00:09:02] gone, hey, fuck it, let's get everything out. Yeah. I'm up for it. Tip. Yeah. Get it all out. Yeah, just get it out on street. Yeah. Yeah. But the city centre will find. Love a good bin day. My estate is fucking, I'm always the last one to put bin out. I think it's ace, because I never have to check bin calendar. But yeah, when I said you have to wait to see what everyone else has put out first. Yeah. Well, actually, no, because fucking Rotherham Council, fucking, they're in fucking 36th century.

[00:09:32] They've got an app for bins. Whoa. Yeah. It tells you what bin day it is, so you don't have to look at a fucking piece of paper that I've lost. Oh my God. Do they move it like bin men when they like fucking take your bin out and then they put it on Nick Street? No, they're actually pretty good. To put bin on for it. No, we don't have that. They're actually pretty good. They're all right. Empty it and put it back where I fucking put it. See, ours, they'll empty it and I live on a hill and I'm sure they look at me and think

[00:10:01] that fat fuck could lose something. And they put the bin at the top of the hill and I'm like, what's that? I'm going to walk all the way up to the hill to grab the bin. Well, it'd be worse if they took it down hill, because then you've got to carry the bin back uphill. True. True. I mean, they could just put it back in the same fucking place. Well, they could double that. It'd be too easy, wouldn't it? You know. Okay. Nice. What else have I done? In like, it's my birthday this weekend. Fucking hell. It is your birthday. Happy birthday to you.

[00:10:30] Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday. Sorry, that was very bad for people listening. That 30 is getting closer. It's getting very closer. What's the... The damage. The number. The number? What's the number? The number is 29. Fucking hell. Nearly 30. Nearly 30. Sad. Do you know that if somebody asks you now, because somebody told me this the week, I thought

[00:11:00] it was very cool. If somebody asks you when you were born, you can literally say you were born in the 1900s. Oh my God, yeah, you can call it. We should sound like a time traveller, doesn't we, say it like that? And I think we bang on about it all the time by feeling old. I went shop over there, and I was just waiting in queue. I can't remember if I was buying a meal deal or something like that. Stuff like that. And this lad in front of me, a young lad, said he wanted a vape.

[00:11:29] And he was like, can I get that vape? She went, I need to see your ID, love. So he gives her ID, and she went, you're not old enough. Says 2007. And he's like, well, I'm 18. And she then quickly did math in her head. Yeah. Fucking 18. Yeah. 2007 people born is 18 year old. That's scary. Yeah, it is. Do you know what is a great year to be born?

[00:11:59] 1996. No. 2025. Because we just want to give a special shout out to one of our biggest listeners. Oh yeah. Is that a bambino? Yes. Day one in all this guy. Yeah. He's a day oneer. Day one. We're going to tag him in it, actually, and fucking give him the recognition. I don't know. That he deserves. He's a big baby daddy now. Yeah. And we're going to put, well, we'll ask his permission, but we're going to put the photo on. No, we're not. Oh, no, we're not.

[00:12:28] We're not going to do that at all. No, we're not going to do that. I just thought we were putting it. Sorry, Josh. Don't have an auto-tack. Why is it a secret baby or something? Is it not? No, it's not secret. We're just not putting pictures of people's kids on. No, him and the kid. Oh. Like, not just the baby and just gone. Oh. Well, maybe. I don't know. We'll ask him. Josh, we're not going to do it without your permission. We'll ask. I've done it. I'll show Billy a picture. There they all look. Yeah. Yeah. Both in the Man United kids.

[00:12:58] Even Special Mo mentioned that they're both Man United fans. Yeah. So, big shout out to Josh. Go on, man. Big daddy now. Well done. Yeah. And to his missus. Well done. Oh, and to Carly. Shout out to Carly. Obviously, Alfie. Sorry, I never even said his name. Fucking Al, Jack. It's Alfie. I never even said his name. Alfie. Bear in mind, Jack's related. Yeah. And he doesn't know his own. No, I don't. Is it your nephew, then? Is it your nephew? I don't know. How does it work? I'm shit with family trees. I don't know how it works.

[00:13:27] Wait, is he your first or second cousin? Is he on your mum's side? Dad's side. So, he's your dad's side. Sorry. This is horrendous. I keep burping. I've killed the mosquito, by the way. You got it. Fantastic. Kung fu. All right, Mr. Miyagi. Yeah. So, if he's on your dad's side. I'm horrendous with family trees. I don't. How can you not know? He's my cousin. Yeah, but how? I don't need to know that.

[00:13:57] That's irrelevant. He's just my cousin. Yeah, but so what? It's from my dad's side. Yeah. Is he first cousin or second cousin? I don't know what that means. So, like, is he the son of your dad's brother or sister? I don't know. So, has your dad got a brother and sister? I don't know. I don't. What do you? You don't know?

[00:14:26] My dad's side. Not my dad's side at family, but, like, the way that my dad's relations work has always been a bit weird. I don't know how it works. Do you mean it's been weird? It's straightforward, mate. It's not. I don't want to get deep into it, but, yeah. Family trees are just awkward for me. Also, I'm just, I'm like, I don't get it. I don't get family trees. They're weird, aren't they? Well, no. I think they're quite interesting, mate. Yeah. I do want to do an ancestry, though. I think that'd be cool. Well, that's family tree, innit? Yeah.

[00:14:56] Like, I want to see where they originated from. Yeah. You're definitely English. You look English. I fucking look English. I like... You look English, Billy. I'd say I'm, like, Italian. If you had an England tattoo on your arm, you'd be fucking... No, I'm barely. You'd be fucking straight there. He's trying to say I'm, like, one of them Brits embedded on me. Union jacket. Oh, no, fuck it. Three ninety-nine for a full English? That what?

[00:15:24] Yeah, no, I feel like I'd be, like, some kind of Italian mafia. Billy, you've got a very self... Just a weird... You don't look Italian, mate. Or, like, a Viking. Yeah, I see me. I see me as, like... Do you? Yeah. Vanguard or something like that. Okay. Maybe. Or... You look a little bit Germanic. What's fucking Germanic? Jamaican?

[00:15:56] No! I said Germanic. What's that? So, basically, it's, like, from, like, thousands of years ago. It was, like... I think... I think I'm not an expert history person. If there is listening to this, I apologise. But my... I'll fact-chat myself immediately because I feel like I'm going to get this wrong. I think it was, like... Because, like, France and Germany were, like, all connected. So, it was classed as, like, Germanic people. It was, like, when... They're fucking still connected, aren't they? No, but, like, France didn't exist. I don't think. I'm probably fucking that up massively. I thought France were the first one to exist.

[00:16:26] Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I'm going to have... Bro, you booked your senonule, yeah. Yeah, that's really bad. Hang on. I apologise. Has anybody heard of Germanic? Germanic people. That is the right frame. That doesn't... That doesn't... Frame. What? Phrase. What did I say? Frame. I did I? What? Germanic. I don't believe it. Well, hang on. How do you spell it? Like, beginning of German and ended... Hang on. Wait.

[00:16:57] Oh, wait. Hang on. Oh, wait. Hang on. I'm fucking... Right, I've got it here. So... Germanic peoples were tribal groups or lived in northern Europe in classic antiquity and early Middle Ages. Right, I've got... Germanic refers to a branch of Indo... Indo-European speakers. Language family. And... And... And...

[00:17:27] Compassing... And compassing languages like English, German, Dutch. Yep. And also to the ethnic and cultural group that developed in northern Europe and... So when... What did one of them look like? When the Romans expanded their empire into Europe... Mm-hmm. They were, like, warring with the Germanic tribes constantly. And you think I look like one of them? Look quite Germanic, I think. You don't even know what they are. You think I look like one of them? Show me.

[00:17:58] Yeah. Yeah. Bearing in mind, just for everybody listening, it's a man with a beard and a spear. Oh, good reference. It just popped in my head. Because this is... Because I'm thinking about old Roman-like TV series and films and stuff. Mm-hmm. Gladiator. Watch Gladiator. Because I'm, like, within the first... I've just set my timer on again. Within, like, the first ten minutes, they're battling the Germanic people. Oh, that's where you've got it from then, yeah? I haven't got it from that, no.

[00:18:24] But I think I watched, like, a documentary series thing on, like, the Roman Empire. That's where I've got it. I've got it from, like, watching Roman stuff, basically. Stuff about the Roman Empire. So you think I'm either Germanic... Not Jamaican. You're definitely not Jamaican, mate. I'm definitely not Jamaican. Fucking idiot. Fucking idiot. I'm going to like it in Sunlight. See, again, I even think I've got a... Italian in me. Why do you think you're Italian, Billy? I don't know. I can't get off of this.

[00:18:54] Why? I've just got, like, that swag. Do you know what I mean? That Italian aura around me. Okay. You know, like... Like in gelato, does it make you Italian? You know, I like a carbonara. Okay. Or, I'd probably say, definitely, gypsy. I've got... I think I've got gypsy vibes. Oh, I could see that. Yeah, I could. Yeah. You could see me fighting. Yeah. Yeah. For a caravan. What would you peg me as? Because I've got no idea.

[00:19:24] Definitely Jewish. Somebody Jewish. I would probably say... Something like Southern America. Southern America? Yeah. I could imagine you're like with some Texas... Okay. So you mean... So you mean... Like cowboy-y vibe. So you mean... You mean South... South USA, not South America? Yeah. Sorry.

[00:19:51] Because South America is like Brazil and Argentina and stuff like that. I didn't mean that. Yeah. You mean South USA? South. Okay. United States. Yeah. Okay. South. Fair. I'd see you as being a whiskey drinker with... I mean I do that now every so often. Saloon door swing open and... I do like the cowboy stuff. I've got right into cowboys. Emma's like shouting at me because I've changed my entire dream. Because I've finished watching Yellowstone. Fantastic series. Everyone's fucking on that now. Have you watched that? No, no. Best thing I've watched in ages. No.

[00:20:21] But I've always had a fascination with... Yeah. I could definitely see you as a mountain ranger. I've always had a fascination with mountains and being cowboying and stuff like that. And that series is set in Montana. And if you look at Montana, fuck me, that's one of the most gorgeous places I've ever seen. Shall we go? I'd love to go. Shall we go on top? I'd fucking love to go to Montana. We get a lot of American listeners, you know. Do we? So we could branch.

[00:20:49] It's near Yellowstone National Park. Well, I think Yellowstone National Park, it's practically in three states, I think. But you know what I mean. It goes into the borderlines of three states. I apologize to American listeners if I've got that completely wrong. But yeah, it's fucking lovely. And I'd love to see a bear and all. That'd be fucking cool. Yeah. Oh yeah, a woodland. I'd see you as a lumberjack. A lumberjack? Yeah, a woodland guy. Is that because my name's Jack? But it kind of goes against your environmentalism.

[00:21:18] But you know, you're just fucking hacking trees now. Well, not necessarily because timber is like a, it's a renewable resource. If you think about it. Yeah, but the building houses are it. You can chop it down and regrow it. Kind of renewable, is it not? Is that not the definition of renewable? I don't know. You're throwing these fucking terms at me. I don't know. I don't know. And you're like, how long is it? You chop it down and you've got to plant two after or something. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:21:46] There is a lot of greenwashing with that though because people use it as an excuse to do private jetting for fucking... A chopped tree down. Yeah. No, it's not that. It's like people use it as greenwashing. As an excuse to take a private jet here, there and everywhere every single day. They'll say, oh, I've planted 10,000 trees. And it's like, well, you've burnt the equivalent of fucking cutting down millions of trees. You've practically been burning tires in your back garden for fucking about a year.

[00:22:16] So I saw something actually which is quite relevant to your study. Well, I don't know if it's true, but basically someone would put like a circle, but we have around it. Like the circle of what happens. Let me try to explain. So at the beginning it was a dinosaur. Okay. Then the arrow was... Are you speaking about a diagram? I think so. And then the next one was the dinosaur dying. Okay.

[00:22:46] Then it was fossilizing. Okay. Then it was... Are you talking about the cycle of fossil fuels? And then it would burn in the fossil fuels to create plastic. To create plastic dinosaur. Oh. Full circle. Yeah. Dinosaurs are alive, literally. So, and the quote was, plastic dinosaurs are actually made out of real dinosaurs. Yeah. Cool. Yeah. Anyway, before we get to your... I read something that somebody said that... Sorry, I just cut you off. Yeah.

[00:23:15] I've got a thought in my head if I don't say it, I'm going to throw up. Um... That chicken doesn't actually taste like chicken because chicken... Chickens are like... Like, because obviously birds... Really close relatives are dinosaurs. So chicken doesn't taste like anything other than a dinosaur. Hmm. So we're eating dinosaurs? Yeah. Turkey dinosaurs! I'm made out of turkey! Oh my god. Oh my god. No, no, stop. Completely off that. I don't get a fuck about that situation. I've just... Oh. God. Just... Oh, oh wait.

[00:23:45] Come on. The thought popped in my head. Slow. They've brought back dire wolves. Yes, I saw that. Have you seen that? I've seen that. They're on... Bring on Jurassic Park. I saw Joe Rogan's podcast and this guy who came on. Yeah. And he says, doesn't he, it's about this fucking bone in your head. Yeah. That's like your DNA code. Yeah. So, hang on. Just before we get into it, we'd saw people that aren't actually like geneticists, like don't shout at us. It's not actually a dire wolf.

[00:24:12] It's practically a grey wolf with dire wolf genes splotted in it, I think. I think that's the actual thing. So, Jurassic Park can be done. Technically. So, actually, I can't remember the company, but they've found, they've got woolly mammoth DNA, like a pretty good assemblage of it. And they're going to try and bring back woolly mammoths. And the way that they're going to do that, and they're going to try and introduce them into Siberia. And the way that they're going to do that is they're going to merge, I think it's an Indian elephant with the woolly mammoth DNA. We're a rhino. What?

[00:24:42] A rhino. Why? Because you need the nose. The tusks. The tusks. Yeah, but that'll be woolly mammoth DNA. And also, elephants have tusks also. Yeah, but they're like wee, light, little ones, aren't they? Well, if you... Well, I don't know how it works. I'm not a geneticist. But I think what I read is that they're going to mix the DNA that they've got with an Indian elephant, I think. And then, obviously, they'd release them in Siberia. So, in our lifetime, we could possibly see woolly mammoths. That's cool. Now, I want to do the flip side of this, and I just want to start fucking cooking up new

[00:25:12] stuff. You're just going to make some... I just want to make some... You're going to make an abomination. Fucking get me a bit of tiger, a bit of fucking... Ultimate killing machine. Squirrel. Get me a bit of that and chuck it in and see what comes out. A tiger and a squirrel? Yeah. Nice. It'll be fucking deadly. Okay. A tiger-sized squirrel, would you not be fucking terrified? They are fast, then. Well, squirrel... And it can fit a lot of stuff in the mouth.

[00:25:41] Well, what genes would take over, though? Because you're assuming that the squirrel would stay a herbivore, not carnivore. No, because it'll realise how big it is, won't it? Okay. I think it chooses, because it's small, isn't it? Okay. So, it has to choose to survive off nuts. Okay. But, yeah, I'd just start fucking cooking all sorts, isn't it? Yeah, we've gone on a massive segue here, because were you about to say something? Yeah. Sorry, go on.

[00:26:11] By the way, just going back to the dinosaur thing. Turkey dinosaurs. Dinosaurs! Turkey dinosaurs are made from real dinosaurs. From what you've just said. Turkey dinosaurs are dinosaurs. Wow. In theory, obviously, they're not. They're fucking turkeys, but... They're a close, distant relative to dinosaurs, so we're taking it that they're dinosaurs. Anyway, before we hear Jack's wonderful adventures, we're just going to leave you with these short messages. We'll be back in a minute. Adverts, adverts, adverts.

[00:26:41] Listen to the adverts. Adverts, adverts. Buy, buy, buy, buy now. Consumerism! Capitalism! Go! Woo! Sorry. I don't know where that came from. That was... Yeah. And welcome back. And welcome back. So, Jack... I hope you enjoyed those adverts. You're still really not getting the hang of the song. We're supposed to stop and just freeze for a sec while that is played. Okay. I'd like to know what the adverts are.

[00:27:14] So, how have you been, anyway? On your jollies. Yeah, I've been on holiday. It's not a holiday. It's a field trip. Business trip. So, I've been winding Billy up for ages saying that I'm going on holiday because I'm going on a field trip. Because I went to my university to south of Spain, Almerimar. It's Europe's only desert. It's actually a desert. It's the only one in... It's the only one in Europe. Is it sand or is it like wasteland? God, I don't know what to class it as. I mean, there's fucking sand there, but it's like... It's weird. But it's not like...

[00:27:44] It's not like you're thinking about like deserts in like Egypt and stuff. Yeah, it's not one of them. It was very cool. Very good. Very fucking stressful. Sorry. I apologise for this, listeners. Sorry. Very unprofessional. Nothing but grace and decor in the next show. I'm a gentleman. Distinguished. Distinguished. So obviously I've been winding Billy up saying I'm going on holiday. I'm going on holiday.

[00:28:14] The first day that we got there, it was like a free day. Because we'd done a lot of traveling. So they basically said you can't rest it there. So we got there at about two, I think. I sent Billy a few photos. Feiere mit uns 25 Jahre Stage Entertainment. Und erlebe das Pop Musical und Julia in Hamburg. Jetzt jedes zweite Ticket ab 25 Euro sichern. Limitiert und nur für kurze Zeit buchbar unter musicals.de.

[00:28:46] I'm inside a pool drinking a Corona and stuff like that. So Billy's old thing of me were just, oh fucking hell, he's actually on holiday. After that, immediate change. It went straight to... I've never done so much unpaid labor in my entire fucking life. But you did it in the sun. That's the... Yeah, so I did all this unpaid labor and I got fucking eat stroke. Fucking, I'm in the middle of the desert. There's no shade. Fucking plant a tree.

[00:29:14] There's no shade. Isn't that the point of the desert? That they can't plant the trees? Isn't that what you're going out there to do? To figure out. The only bit of shade, right. So you either get eat stroke or you risk dying. Because the only bit of shade, right, is under like a cliff. And it's all under sketchy rocks that look like it could fall at any minute. So it's up to you whether you want to land there. I chose eat stroke. I thought I can recover from that because I've just built different. Eat stroke's got to deal with me.

[00:29:45] No, so I chose not to sit under the weird cliff. But yeah, it was really good. Really stressful. The first day we went to desert. And they're good as fucking like notebooks and stuff to make field notes. And nobody's ever told us this before. So the first day, we were just writing down frantically fucking notes what these lectures were saying and stuff like that. And then we realised after we didn't have to do that. So I've got like my notebook, right. Why would you not have to take notes of what you were saying? Because we were only to take notes on what we were doing on like our investigation and stuff like that.

[00:30:15] Oh, right. Because it... Fucking... Like a research book. Yeah, so like we are getting into weeds of it. Like it's... We're getting marked on his notes in his field book and the presentation that we did. So we had to design an investigation. We looked at the effect of salinity on species richness and abundance versus like two different places. Yep. I understood all that. Salinity is salt. So I'm saying it's a desert. It's pretty salty. Okay. And yeah, it was pretty good. Where the fuck's the salt coming from?

[00:30:45] Well, one of them... There's no water. There was at one point in one of places. It's a dried up river that's been there for like hundreds of thousands of years. It's like a massive gorge. It's like been carved out. What? So where? They filmed... So in these places they filmed spaghetti westerns. So you know some old school westerns that came out in like 80s and that that were set in America? Like a western. It was cheaper to film in Spain than it were in America. So they fucking... They filmed all these... Like Clint E. Westwood and shit like that. I don't know specifically those ones. I can't remember the name. But you know them type of... But there's definitely been filmed like a... Chuck Norris?

[00:31:16] I don't know. Because there's a Hollywood sign in the middle of the desert. Because they've filmed it. Yeah. It was pretty funny. I think... I think... Were it Texas Hollywood or something like that? I can't remember. There's a big sign. It's interesting. It's cool. Let me try and find it quick. Wait. Just go back to the river thing. So when a river evaporates... Evaporates? Evaporates. Evaporates. All the salt stays in the river? All the salt stays on the ground? Well...

[00:31:44] So when water does evaporate, it leaves behind salt. Because salt can't evaporate. So if the entire ocean evaporated... Yes. Would there just be a big pile of salt? Yes. Wow. I never knew that. Oh, so I might be wrong. 100% factual on this show. No, I just don't... I don't like saying anything for certain. Because I just feel like sometimes I'll just be completely wrong about stuff. But I think that's what would happen. I'm a human being. I get things wrong. Yeah.

[00:32:13] I am smart in some ways. Yeah. I'm doing pretty well. I'm good at oversight. Believe it or not, yeah. It's just like if you're asking me off at Dome, I'll probably get a lot of things wrong. So you didn't have any protection around then? Did you have one of them hat visor things on where it like covers the back of your neck? You know, seeing as though you're very prone to some stroke now. Yeah, so this is the first time I've been in a warm climate with a bald head. So I came fucking prepared because I thought there's no way I'm fucking having all my head like peeling.

[00:32:43] Oh, like a fucking weirdo. Like a dried up testicle. I can imagine you being like out of Jurassic Park. An explorer. Like, door with an explorer somewhere on your first day. Well, I went and got some like some good stuff because I've got, this is the thing because it's not a holiday. It's a field trip. So I'm going to be in the desert. I'm going to be on my hands and knees working all the time and stuff like that. So I thought, I ain't actually got any clothes to do like that. All clothes I've got stuff to do like that are like made for England. So they're like for colder climates.

[00:33:12] And all the stuff I've got for warm climates are my old clothes. I can't go in like fucking... A string vest. And shorts that I've got rips in and shit like that. Like, yeah. It's like a great fucking... In me swim shorts in the middle of the desert. Well, you're in the snow pool. It's no swimming pool. So I went out to Prime Arnie dinner. And Prime Arnie is short for Prime Art people that don't understand that. I got some cargo shorts and some like... They were gym shirts, but they did really well. They were like really thin and stuff like that. But they were...

[00:33:42] Breathable. Breathable. Yeah. My nipples were breathing. Did you have the cream for your nipples? The Vaseline? Yeah. No, we're actually all right. So anyway, back onto my bald head. Yeah. Every product for a bald man's head has got the word bald in it. For some reason, I think it's against the law to do it any other way. Do you think in case it confuses people? No, not bald. Yeah. Head moisturizer. All right. I bought two products.

[00:34:11] I bought one that's got a sun cream in it, but it's also like a daily moisturizing thing. And I bought another one that's like a moisturizing thing for when I go in the evening after I'd had a shower and stuff. The one with sun cream in it is called Bald Bro. Shout out, Bald Bro. Very good. It smells like oranges. It's fucking great. It smells lovely. So your head does smell like an orange. Yeah. It smells fucking lovely. Great good. And then the other one was called Bald Boss. So this is what I mean. It's all got bald in it names. And that was just like a moisturizer. That one smelled like oats.

[00:34:41] So it smelled like a bowl of porridge in the evening. Fantastic. So yeah, we're all good. I did burn my head. Spot on. Yeah. Yeah. And did you pass? Is it a pass? Do you pass? Oh, I don't know yet. I have no idea. Do you have to like do diary entries? So yeah, so that's 50% at marks for that module, right? Like the other 50% is a group presentation to the entire cohort that was there. So me and, how many were those?

[00:35:11] Me and five other people. I don't know why that took me a long time. Me and five other people had to make a presentation and with all around investigation and data and stuff like that. Make a presentation and perform this presentation in front of like, I don't know, 100 people basically. So you didn't have like a dictaphone and you went like. What? Did you not have like a dictaphone where you're like. Billy, what is that word? Please say that again. Dictaphone. Dictaphone. What's that? Like a thing, like a recording device.

[00:35:40] Is that what that's called? Dictaphone, yeah. Are you sure? Yeah. No. And like, you'd like go, right, entry one. It's. Are you sure that's what that's called? April the 11th and I have brushed some sand. People put in comments if Billy's right or not because I feel like. It's called a dictaphone. All right, we'll see. Um, uh, no, you had to write it all down and I'm sure me being dyslexic. My notebook. Fucking hell. I'm sorry for whoever marks that. Jesus Christ. Can't get autocracked, mate. Can you have a notebook?

[00:36:09] Mate, it's fucked. I went back to like some of the first two days. I'm like, what the fuck have I written here? And if I can't read it, how's somebody meant to mark my work? Honestly. Sounds like a you problem. It looked like a three-year-old had scribbled in it sometimes. I did a drawing. It fucking, I didn't let the ink dry for 10 pages. It smudged everywhere. It fucking, honestly, raped fucking bars. Presentation were good though. Yeah. So let's hope we can walk back on that so I don't fail. Did you enjoy it?

[00:36:39] Yeah, we're good. Could you see Sam being an explorer and going out doing all these tests? I think, yeah, I did enjoy it. It made me think that I wouldn't ever plan an investigation like that. Fucking hell. We practically got two days of our own days to do the investigation. But we also, in those two days, we also had to make the presentation and do all the data analysis and all stuff like that, which were a lot. But between six hours, we made it work. But I mean, I were up to like quarter one in the morning, some days working. Like it were a lot.

[00:37:09] Yeah. I bet you were. Yeah. I'm not joking either. I were. I would log in data into a fucking Excel sheet at my fucking quarter one in the morning. Good Wi-Fi clubs, isn't there? Fuck off, dickhead. Good Wi-Fi strip. Fuck off. You're up. Entry one. There's a lot of species around here. So you didn't go on the strip? What? Did you go on the strip? The nightlife bit. There was two bars open.

[00:37:38] It's out of season. There was nothing else there. There was two bars that were open. Everything else was shut. It was a karaoke bar and this other bar that we went to. Nobody spoke English. So like I was trying to do fucking, I was miming like a beer and stuff like that. Wait, wait, wait. I remember asking for a corona and I just started coughing. Why did you? I thought you were very good at your duolingo. Yeah, I'm learning Greek, not Spanish, Billy. Would you have not prepared fucking Spanish knowing you were going to Spain? I should have done, but I didn't.

[00:38:07] I just didn't. I would have been that Brit abroad. Like I would just like. Did you do the famous Bill sign? You know, well, you know, instead of like saying, do you know what? You feel like they'll understand it more if I talk louder and go slowly. Yeah. Like, can I have a corona? Yeah. It was, but no, we're all right. I enjoyed it. Good. Something also I've been doing recently. Gardening.

[00:38:36] I've been getting my fingers green. Fucking hell and titch barge out there. Fucking hell. I've got bold now. That's it. I'm old. Fucking green fingered. Yeah. You've been looking at plants? I've been buying plants, mate. Wow. Fucking hell. Have you seen prices ever? Well, you've been going to the wrong fucking place, mate. Honestly. You've been just digging them out. I've just been stealing people's plants out of the garden. Fucking that looks out, mate. I've come back for that at 12 o'clock at night. That rose bush, that. Yeah. No, I don't steal people's plants.

[00:39:05] It depends where you're going because I love a good garden centre, right? I love going and looking at all the plants. I went with me nan and me mum the other day because it's me nan's birthday, right? Cute. Shout out nan. She does listen to this. I apologise for swearing, nan. She's only 53. Obviously, that's a joke. Sorry, nan. Oh, well, I'm on my nan. Me and Emma brought a present. We always buy our light penis things. It's a weird fucking family thing that we do, but it's funny because she hates it, but it's funny.

[00:39:33] I bought a garden pot and what it is, it's a man's torso from his knees up to his belly button and he's got a cock on it. But it's like, so he's got his bum cheeks out and everything and it's got a cock on it, but it says, obviously it's flaccid and it says, I'm a grower. I'm on my hand in front of it. But yeah, anyway, so we went to garden centre because we all love a garden centre. Fuck me, the prices were ridiculous. I went to Mother's Day.

[00:40:02] We drove like 35 minutes ago to this one that's supposed to be rake good. I can't remember what it was. Maybe it was, I'm not going to say a name. It were about 35 minutes away and I'm not kidding. I picked up one small plant and it were about 45 quid and I went, you must be fucking joking. No chance. Have you seen size of fucking pots? Like just the pot, the plant pot to put the fucker in? Yep. Wow. Yeah. Anyway, me and my nan went to fucking for sale section.

[00:40:32] You know? Yellow sticker. Yeah, yellow sticker. Mark down. Half dead. So we went over there. It's got a day in it. Yeah. We went over there and we found, I got a little tray of fuchsias. There were eight individual fuchsias in this tray, right? Really, really small, right? And it said something like 95p, something like that. Me nan got something else from a different tray. Anyway, we got to Tilt to pay for these thinking it's like 95p for a tray because that's what it says.

[00:41:02] No, 95p for each individual fucking thing. It was like nine quid for these little fucking things. It was a waste of time. Obviously, we did the most polite thing and say, yeah, cheers. Thank you. Not one complaint was raised that day. After we left, me and my nan went, oh, I'm right pissed off. I nearly didn't pay for them. She said nothing to the person. She's like, oh, okay. Thank you. How much? Cash or card? Yeah. And then we went somewhere else, right?

[00:41:33] This were about another 35 minutes in the wrong direction. Best garden centre slash thing I have ever been to. I don't even know what to call it because it's not a garden centre. It were weird. It were like favelas. It was just weird. It was good. There were a cafe in there, a restaurant, an ice cream parlour. There were a gift shop. There were a card thing for birthdays. There were kids' toys. I know where you went. There were a butcher's. I know where you went because I went there.

[00:42:00] There were like a baker's thing. I got a steak and ale pie, mate. Right good. $6.99. Let's do a brainwave here. I'm going to say a word and tell me if it was in that area without guessing what it's called. Okay. The garden centre. Yeah. Doncaster. No. Oh. Different one. Oh. Is it Wakefield? I think. Oh, fuck that up then. Yeah. But anyway, I got a steak and ale pie from there. $6.99. I don't give a fuck.

[00:42:28] I'll pay $6.99 for a pie that's that stuff with meat. Fucking hell, you could barely cut it. It got that much meat in it. It were right good. Says the ex-vegan. Yeah. Anyway. Anyway, the plants. So much more reasonably priced and it's lovely. You're all be priced. Yeah. So lovely. It was a nice garden centre. Really great. Some good plants in there. All lovely. All alive. All like fucking ten times cheaper. That's wonderful. Yeah.

[00:42:58] I'm happy for you. Yeah. That's it. Yeah, that's it. Anything else? Anybody get off your chest? I've been potting plants today in the garden. Nice. Doing some plants. Nice. Trying to make garden look alright because Milo makes it his own personal little dirt track. It's fucking right. Messed grass. I just have to put pots everywhere. His dog, by the way. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. Are we looking on time? I feel like I've been ranting for ages. Anyway, before we get on to a segment. Okay. Let's tell us, listeners, some fucking fantastic news.

[00:43:27] I'm going to let you handle it because I didn't do a good job last time. No, you nearly ruined it. If you don't know guys and you haven't checked his Instagram post, me and Jack have been nominated for the Best Guest Award at the Golden Lobes. So, the Northerners are coming down south to an award ceremony. Yeah. I'd ask you to vote, but it's not a voting thing. It's like, just, I don't know. Do you want to tell me who's in his category?

[00:43:55] Because that makes it sound even cooler. What? Do you want me to list them all? Just a few. Just a few big names. Okay. That's in the category that we're up for. They're all big names. Yes. The biggest name, Mind Map Podcast. Yeah. I don't even know why these other people are bothered to turn up. They're not going to win. I know. I know. So, let me just find it. Bound around, get on there and like it, by the way, people. I mean, what about if we actually win?

[00:44:23] Like, what about if we have to do an acceptance speech? Are you going to die? Me? Don't just leave it to me. What do you mean? You're going to have to talk too. That's fine. Like, don't just go. Thank you. I won't. Thank you very much. I'll say so much. So, in our category. Well, we could rep North while we're down there. We'll just like slate them all. Just do a big roast in London. Yeah. I knew we were fucking sinners. Yes.

[00:44:55] So, in our category, there is going to be Five Brilliant Things by Russell Howard. Well done, Russell. You're telling my podcast is the same group as Russell Howard? That's exactly what I'm telling you. Okay, now. I can't wait to see his face when he loses. Losers to my map podcast. Losers. What a shock. There is one called A Village in the Crisis. Okay.

[00:45:23] And there is a BBC one called Best Medicine. Nice. And the biggest one, obviously, is my map podcast. Yeah. Straight up. And we're going to fucking win. Golden Lobe. What a fantastic idea. Yeah. What a brilliant name as well. Jack loves it. What a brilliant name. Jack endorses it. Fantastic. Jack did not slug it up one bit on the last episode. I can't believe we're involved. It's great. But to be fair to Jack, he didn't really know the importance of what we was in until I had to explain it to him today. Yeah, that's fair.

[00:45:54] So, yeah. Well done, us. Cheers. Yeah. Cheers. Cheers. Woo! Big things. Yeah. Big things happening. Big things. Well, we'll see. We'll see. You know what I mean? Next time you hear it to us, we might be in fucking New York. If we don't win, we'll just smash gaff up. Yeah. Just do a full Peaky Blinders. Start launching pints and stuff. We won't, by the way.

[00:46:19] The hosts who are listening to this, we will be polite, professional, and take our loss in grace. We'll be the most politest people those fuckers have ever met. We met Southerners, they're rude as fuck. They'll be like, oh, this person smiled at me. Yeah. Anyway. Anyway. Don't kick us out before we get there, please. Right. Should we do a segment? Yes. You ready? I'll let you explain it. We've got to do a song. Yeah, yeah. It's been like years and you still don't know this.

[00:46:49] Yeah. Three, two, one, go. Segment time. Segment time. It is segment time. Yeah. Oh, yeah. We really could automate that, but we don't want to. No, because we nail it. We're like adolescent. We just nail it in one take. Okay. Yeah. Except for a bit earlier. What? It took you about five times to get fucking started. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's fine. So today, I'll try and explain it the best. It's actually something original that we've come up with.

[00:47:19] Well, we've took things from other people. We've took one thing. We've took things from other people. We've took one thing. Don't claim something to your own when it's not. I've took one thing. Okay. But the idea is ours. Okay, fair. But give credit. Well, you don't have to give credit. Just so that you can do it. Well, no. Some of these stuff, yes. We have stole offline. Some of the questions, yeah. But the segment as a whole is ours. I haven't because the questions that you'll be answering from me, I haven't made. Because you'll be stealing it from JackGPT, I imagine. You're answering questions from a robot, Billy.

[00:47:51] Yeah. So basically what we're going to do, it's going to be called Not the Obvious Answer. Okay. Do you want to explain that a bit more so people understand? Ask each other a question. So for an example, do you run in one what you told me earlier? All right. So how would you stop somebody winning the race in a race? No. Yeah. So obviously you can't say by being faster than them. You can't say by running faster than the person.

[00:48:20] That's the idea. I think we've got three? Three each? Three each. I've got three anyway. Well, I've got one, but then I can manipulate it to three other things. Okay. But it'll be the same question, just in a different area. Okay. Rock, paper, scissors. Who's going first? Three, two. Wait, wait. Sorry. Three, two, one. Go. Shit. I fucking psychologically battered me twice.

[00:48:49] So if we swap lives for a day. Me and you? Yeah. Yeah. What would be the first thing that you'd do? So I'm you? Yes. I am you. Also, so answer that and then I'll add another bit on that you can also answer as well. Okay. What would be the first thing I would do if I was you? Hmm. I'll keep it clean. What? Are you going to molest me? No, I am you.

[00:49:19] Oh, yeah. Molest myself. Okay. Eh, fucking hell. I don't know. I mean, what would the obvious answer be for that? I don't know. All right. I'll add some on. What if you were me for a day? Yeah. What could you do that would improve my life without me noticing? Oh, okay. I would say grow hair, but...

[00:49:50] I think I might notice that really. You would just walk up in the mirror and be like, what the f... What could I do with you noticing? Fuck, there's fucking hell. There's stump me on first, isn't it? Sorry. I don't know. Like, clean your car. Thanks. There we go. Yeah. I mean, I would notice that because my car's a shit table. Clean your car. Thanks. Great. What would you do? What, if I were you? Yeah.

[00:50:22] It's hard, isn't it? Yeah, I think it is. I think I would buy you some kind of book and I would just put it on your nightstand. A book that you would probably need to read, but you just refused to. Maybe, I don't know. So would you read it as me? No, I would put it there ready for when we switch back and just be like, oh, there's a book there. That looks cool. I'll read it and then you'll change the person. And then, but I could still choose and not read it. I could just go, how the fuck did this book get you? Fair enough.

[00:50:51] That's a very real possibility, yeah. I'll put a post-it note on it saying, Billy, read me. This is from your future self. Yeah. And then you'll have to read it. I would actually believe that. Yeah. Would you? If you saw a post-it note saying, this is from your future self. No, because I mean like. I would feel like I've time travelled. Yeah, but you live with somebody. There's a very real possibility that you miss it. If it's your handwriting. Yeah, but my handwriting is just bad. Anybody could copy. They couldn't. They couldn't. You had any of mine. Yeah.

[00:51:21] Right. What would you steal from somebody's house that would cause them the biggest annoyance? So like, you can't obviously just fucking steal the TVs and stuff like that. I would steal light switches. From the actual light switch. The full thing. The light switch from what? Yeah, that'd be annoying. And the plug sockets.

[00:51:51] Yeah, that'd be annoying. I wouldn't steal anything of value. I'd just take all the plug sockets and light switches. That'd be so fucking annoying, wouldn't it? I'd leave you light bulbs and stuff. Waking up in a morning. What the fuck? Yeah. I'd leave you light bulbs and stuff. I'd just take all the electrical fronts. Light switches. Light switches. See, I'd have gone like, what about like the toilet roll? All the towels. You'd never notice that, would you? All the towels gone. We wait until you go to get your shower. Yeah. Or. Oh, what about every left shoe?

[00:52:21] Every left shoe. Because you would search for that other fucking shoe and all, wouldn't you? Yeah. Yeah. All the light bulbs. Take all the light bulbs out. Yeah, but that's an easy fix. You've got a shop right corner. You just go and buy some more light bulbs. Yeah. If I'm stealing light switch fronts, mate, you. If you don't know how to do it, you've got to call an electrician out. That's like a three, four day job without lights. The fucking thermostat. Oh, yeah. Set it up to 30 degrees and all and then break it. Well, no, you're supposed to steal it.

[00:52:50] You can't do it damaging. Okay. You've got to steal it. All right. I'll set it to 30 degrees and then leave with it. Yeah. Steal it. Yeah, that'd be annoying. Nice. Yeah, oh yeah, it's a joke one. So if aliens showed up, right, and they were about to kill us both. Yeah. Right. You've got to try and convince them that you're more useful than I am. Yeah. What would you tell them? What would you tell them? I have hair.

[00:53:26] Okay. What about, okay, so I've got to try and convince an alien that I'm more useful than you. Yeah, so they kill me instead of you. Yeah. I would convince them that I am probably less of a threat. Okay. So I've got a very pity party. Okay. I'd be like, well, look at him. It looks like fucking juggernaut in his head, but for a fucking wall, I can't do that. Okay.

[00:53:56] I would say, I'm basically bullying you, yeah? I would say he's got heightened senses. He can sniff anything out. I would convince them that I am. I'd say he's actually more academic than me, so he can learn how to fucking kill you. I can't. I will be your slave.

[00:54:24] He won't, because he's stubborn. I will be the bitch. I'd do the pity party. Okay, nice. I'd just say I can get things off a top shelf that Billy can't get. Any shelf that's above 5'5", but it's screwed. I can hold my breath for 48 seconds. Yeah. I can hold my breath 8 seconds longer than Billy. Kill Billy. He's practically not breathing anyway.

[00:54:58] Okay. In a fight, what would be, what would you do as the biggest distraction so you could win the fight? Get absolutely naked. Just immediately. That would be quite hard to fight. Fucking naked person, wouldn't it? I had this conversation with Emma the other day. Oh, did you really? Right. Not in this specific sense. Anyway, a long thing happened. You had a naked fight? No, no, no. There were noisy at midnight. And I went to rush to it, bollock naked,

[00:55:28] with a candle in my hand. Fucking candle? What are you? Fucking 1920? No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait. A glass candle. A big glass candle jarred, so we're going to smash them off the head with it. Big Yankee candle. Yeah. Right. Because I had no else in the bedroom. There's no weapons in the bedroom. So that was the first thing I grabbed. And she said, you're like bollock naked. What are you doing? I said, if there's any burglar in my house, look, they're not going to want to approach somebody that's bollock naked.

[00:55:57] Because if I run towards them bollock naked and start going, oh yeah, like that, they are running for ills. They are running. They're not even wanting to square up. They're done. Yeah. Yeah, that is a good one, that. Yeah. If I ever get in a conflict, mate, I'm getting bollock naked. You fighting me naked. I'm going to run my dick on you. Just stare at them in their eyes. Yeah. And just stare in their eyes and go, I've always wanted this. Yeah. I've been waiting for this to get bollock naked. You're going to freak them out before they even get to throw a punch.

[00:56:26] See, I thought about like, just started fucking dancing or something. Oh, that'd be funny, yeah. And I just, what the fuck? Mine's from more like psychological manipulation. Yeah. If you went to square up with somebody and you got proper eatered, and they just immediately took all the clothes off, shoes, socks, boxes, everything, completely naked, would you buy them? It depends what you start with. Because obviously, when someone squares up, first thing they do is take the top off anyway, innit? Yeah, but it's different if you start taking the shoes and socks off. The boxers.

[00:56:55] Fucking do a quick push and a shove and then you'll just turn on fucking pulk kegstands. No, man. That's okay. Go on then. Come on then, if you think you're hard enough. Yeah, that's funny, that one. Go on then. Oh yeah, it's my go, innit? Hang on. This is your last inning, innit? So let's say we both enter a talent show. Yeah.

[00:57:25] What would you do that I can't do that would make you win? Model. I'm sorry, I'm so ugly, I've got a massive nose. What could I do that you couldn't? It's not fucking holding me breath. Die faster. Yeah, I can die. What am I quite talented at that you're not? I'm very good at sports. Oh yeah?

[00:57:55] I beat you at every sport. Should we categorise the sports? Well, name a sport. Darts. Okay, not that. That's not a fucking sport. Oh! Sorry, look, Lula. Well, like, you know. You work sports personality at year, you know. Really? Yes. Like football. Any sport with your racket. Really?

[00:58:24] Yeah. You shit out of table tennis. Yeah. I'll smash you at, what is it, is it squash? I'll smash you at squash. I've never played it, but I feel like I could beat you. I'd fucking wipe flow with you at squash, mate. I've only played it once, but I know I could do it. Video gaming? Get fucked. No chance. How many times have you beat me? Loads. When? Oh, apart... Right, so, alright, so... Name it. Apart from Call of Duty... Yeah, FIFA. I've done Call of Duty last time I played you at FIFA. No, we're on the same level

[00:58:54] at FIFA. We'll play right now. We're at the same level on FIFA, I swear to God. We'll do a Twitch stream right now. Right, I swear to God. FIFA, we're at the same level. Are you sure? Yes. You need to prove that. God, you're better than me. But only a bit. But only a bit? Only a little bit. Are you mad? No, I'm not mad. Fucking hell, there's some other stuff I'm better than, isn't there? There's gotta be. I'd say legs,

[00:59:23] like as in gym legs, but I think you are very strong on your legs. So maybe that. Maybe I'll just put the gym thing on the side. I went today, nearly past that after I'm doing cardio. I went right arm because I just... I got good music on, I got good tune on, and I just stopped... I just forgot to breathe. I just need past that. I can grow a beard. Oh, that's... That's... Yeah. Alright, fine. Yeah.

[00:59:53] What constitutes a beard though? Because I think a goat... Facial hair. That's what constitutes a beard. And you haven't fucking got it. A goatee is a beard. It's not, because you haven't got a choice, have you? A goatee is a beard regardless of choice. I choose to have a goatee. Yeah, you don't. I don't like full beards. So it doesn't matter if I can't grow a full beard because I don't like full beards. I choose to have a goatee. It doesn't matter that that's only where my hair grows. Hmm.

[01:00:23] I can't drink more than you because you're quite good at drinking and all. Surprisingly. I don't know why. No, I don't. I was sangria drunk all the holidays though. Holiday. Field trip. Fucking dirty wine drunk. Yeah. Sangria, right? 1.5 litre, 2.30 euro. Wow. Is that good? I don't know. Fucking very good. Oh, is it? Yeah. 2.30 euro for 1.5 litre of sangria. Very good. Anyway, that's all I can think of what I could. And I'd only want to hear what you'd say.

[01:00:54] Er, I don't know. Okay. Nothing. Go on, what's your last one? Right, my last one is, right, and you've probably heard this one before but I haven't stole it, I promise. Right, in a bowl, there is 100 grapes. I'm eating them. Wait. There is one grape in that bowl that will kill you. Okay.

[01:01:23] For each grape you eat, you will get 1,000 pounds. Right. How many grapes will you eat? Zero. Zero. My life's worth billions. Bear in mind you've got one in a hundred chance. I'm uninsurable. You've got one in a hundred chance. Right. So you've got one in a hundred chance of eating a poison grape that kills you. Billy, you know me,

[01:01:53] I'm not a gambler. I'm just, I'm throwing them grapes straight in the bin. Fuck them, I'm not bothered. All right, up the ante. 10 grand a grape. Not bothered. There's no money that'll persuade you. 100 grand a grape. No. Eat a grape. Right. I'd rather... You've got one out of a hundred chances. I'd rather enjoy my life. I don't care if I'm poor. I'm alive. Yeah, but you could be not poor and eat one grape and you'd be alive and you don't. Yeah, but... Do you feel like you're that unlucky you would eat that one grape? Immediately, yes.

[01:02:23] Poison. Yeah. I'm not even running chances. I'm not even running chances. You can't think you're that unlucky out of one of a hundred you're going to eat that grape. I am not running the chances of that, no way. Why, would you? Yeah. Really? The probability on that, it's on my side. Your life is worth so much more than that. I'm just, I'm a smart gambler. That's what I am. No, you're not. I'm a smart investor. That's not the way that I'd describe you. You've got a hundred grapes. Also, you've just said smart investor.

[01:02:53] Yeah. That's not investing. Investing in the grape. This whole idea is literally the principle of gambling. Investing my life in ten grapes. Okay, yeah. Come on, I'd at least eat ten. Easy ten. Every time you eat a grape, you're running down the chances. Yeah. So it's getting more and more risky every time you eat a grape. Yeah, is getting lower and lower. I won't leave it down to, you know, one out of ten chances because that's ridiculous. Yeah, you don't know where that grape is. No. You don't know, you don't, it doesn't look different, it doesn't smell different. No, no, nothing. So you can't tell? You can't,

[01:03:23] no. I'm not even running risk. Not worth it. It's just on a big fucking bunch. Not worth it, mate. My life is worth billions. I'd fucking force feed it, yeah. You wouldn't? Well, that's a point. Oh. That's a twist, isn't it? Yeah, you, you fucking get somebody, don't tell them, don't tell them that, but you pocket the money and you just say, yeah, enjoy these grapes. All of them. Yeah. And you're going to eat it. Or, you do them, you said to them, if you eat all these grapes, I'll give you a hundred quid. Yeah. Who's going to think, fucking,

[01:03:53] yeah, man, I'd feed it dog. I like grapes, I'd do them for free. I'd fucking get it dog. Yeah, you can't feed grapes to dog. Why? You kill them, poisonous to dogs, grapes. Well, it's fucking got poison in it anyway. Well, that one won't make a difference then, will it? That's not right. Come on, dog. He's an idiot for eating it anyway. But yeah, no, I wouldn't eat any of them. No amount of money. Million pound of grape, still not doing it. I reckon if you were put there. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not gaslighting you either. I promise you. If that was in front of you, you would.

[01:04:23] I promise you, I'm not dying it. Dying it. Not doing it. Million pound of grape, and you wouldn't eat it. No, because it means, because I'm trading my life for money. Money will come and go. Don't see it as that. See it as a grape. But it's not, is it? It's not. It could be the end of my life. But. My life is worth so much more than money. But walking, crossing the road is worth your life. You know, you could still get hit by a car. Absolutely could. But I'm not choosing to, I'm not, I'm not choosing to jump in front of a car, am I? It's out of my control.

[01:04:53] But just. Whereas if I'm eating these grapes, that's me being an absolute idiot, risking my life. Yeah, but, yeah. Things that are out of my control, fair enough, I can't control them. I can't control if somebody runs into me. I can control me eating some fucking poisonous grapes, can't I? There's only one. You don't know which one it is. Yeah, that's the point of the problem. Yeah, exactly. So you could just die and not even know. No, I don't know if this sweetens the deal. It's a silent death. It's, you know, easy,

[01:05:23] gone, two seconds. As soon as you buy it, you're dead. Yeah, still not doing it. No? Nope. Not one million pound of grape, you've upped it up to, and you won't eat one grape. Nope. Not worth it. That is mad. It's not worth it. Imagine us all in a big circle, and we've all just like, ate fucking 20 grapes, and we're all just like, off to fucking... Good for you, you could spread me a mil. I was like, I'll fetch you with it. I'll fetch you, yeah, like, here Jack, carry the fucking bags. Yeah. Wow. Well, you've got some very good willpower.

[01:05:53] Not doing it. I must admit. So have you ever heard the other one, about the snail? Have you heard that one? I've heard that. It's stupid. If it's something about gear... It's a really slow snail, and if it catches you, you die. If it touches you, you die. Yeah. Now, I'm just, I'm just buying unlimited airline flies, and I'll just fly to the other side of the globe every time. Piss it off as soon as it gets halfway. Just like, see ya. I'd like to see that fuck across Atlantic. Yeah.

[01:06:23] We might, you know, we might get a dingy. Right. Anyway, well, that's interesting. How long have we been doing this one? This seems like a long one. Yeah, we're done. Okay, nice. Good, because I'm absolutely bursting for a piss. Great. Thanks, guys. By the way, next time, oh no, we'll be doing a few more after, before the awards ceremony. Yes, we will. Yes, we will. We'll keep plugging the awards ceremony. The golden lobes. Lobes. That's what I said. Oh, I thought it said globes. No, golden lobes. It starts off as lobes, and then we get to the clubs. Okay. And then with the Oscars. Okay. And then,

[01:06:53] I don't know what's bigger than the Oscars. Nothing. Nothing. Who cares about Oscars anyway? You've completed life. We don't want to do Oscars. No, fuck it. Fuck it. Anyway, bye. See you later, guys. Bye. Bye. Feiere mit uns 25 Jahre Stage Entertainment und erlebe das Pop Musical und Julia in Hamburg. Jetzt jedes zweite Ticket ab 25 Euro sichern. Limitiert und nur für kurze Zeit buchbar unter musicals.de

[01:07:23] This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's Podcast Comedy Network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit podomity.com.