Rapid Q's

[00:00:02] Help's here, we're here, we're here to help you. Come from your routine and find the job that fits to you with the LinkedIn Jobs. We know how? With LinkedIn.

[00:00:31] Should we do a podcast? What would we even call it? MindMap? Ah, go on then. Welcome back to another episode of MindMap with Billy and Jack. Nobody fucking cares about that. Did you know that there's a certain kind of octopus called an Argonaut octopus

[00:01:00] that in order to reproduce, the male rips off its own penis and throws it at the female and then runs away? Did you know that? No. It throws off his penis. It rips off its penis and then throws it at the female. Throws it. She obviously uses that as a stand-in for the male octopus.

[00:01:30] It's like an ultimate one-night stand. Does he grow enough one? I think so, yeah. That's common. I'm not entirely sure. I can double-check. Oh my God. That's done me. First minute in. Yeah. It's interesting, isn't it? Can you imagine if you almost did that? Yeah.

[00:02:00] I mean, I'll feel bad for the octopus if you can't grow a new one. I think that's like cruel information. Yeah, it's ridiculous, isn't it? No, they can. Surely they can because they can regrow tendrils. I didn't even know they had a penis. I thought they lay eggs. They've got a penis. Well, it's like a penis arm. It's an arm that's also a penis. It's an extra tentacle. It's an arm that's also a penis, so they probably just shoot semen out of this arm. It's obviously when it throws his arm off.

[00:02:31] It's like a protective mechanism. And what? Can he just do it at anyone? Any... I don't know if it's like a fucking superpower. They can just rip off his penis and throw it at people. Just any octopus here. I think it's... Swimming around, he can just go, I'm not... I'm not entirely sure how it works. It's... I'm pretty sure that it's like... It's an arm that also doubles as a penis.

[00:02:58] And for like protection during reproduction, maybe the females just get a bit feisty and think, fuck it, I'm gonna eat that man while I'm here. And literally eat him all. Maybe. What, she eats the penis as well? No, but I mean like she might kill him maybe. When he's finished. What? She kills him at all? Maybe, I don't know. So it's like a protective thing. So like he rips off his penis and just... Here, have that. Have my babies. Go. Go.

[00:03:29] Never contact me again. I wonder what that looks like as in like a bull khaki party. She's all launching the penises at her while she's in the middle. That happens with prey mantises, you know? Yeah, and spiders, isn't it? The spiders. I'm not sure about spiders, but that happens with prey mantises. Like so there's like a male prey mantis will mate with a female and then she'll eat him after. Like literally like... Devours his head, doesn't he? He eats the head. Have you ever seen them kill things? They are the freakiest things. They will...

[00:03:58] So they don't kill things and like put them out of the misery. They eat them like so that they're still alive as well. A what? A prey mantis. They're like... So if they catch like a bug, they'll catch it. Yeah. And they'll start eating it while it's alive. So like you can watch it and it's like... So you see it eat a bug, like a pretty decent sized bug, and they'll just start going in through its abdomen while it's still alive. You can see fucking legs going everywhere and stuff like that. It's weird. That's the sort of things that I see on Instagram. My algorithm is a bit fucked.

[00:04:27] So if you're a prey mantis, you're a virgin. Well, no, not really. You will get laid but you will die immediately after. That's what I mean. So you walk around your entire life a virgin. Yeah. The minute you get a bit of pantis, poo narnie, she fucking eats you. So you die. Yeah. Wow. It's cruel out there. Yeah. I think most species, the females are bigger. Like the more aggressive. I think in most species.

[00:04:57] That might be wrong though. They are with this fucking species mate. I might be wrong on that but yeah. I just can't get the penis thing from the octopus. You're thinking it like a fucking Nerf gun, aren't you? I've got it. It's like a full cartoon like replaying me at it. I'm an octopus. Ah, okay. Anyway, shall I do my joke? Go on then, it is up. Right, right, joke. Right, so. This is a story one, this one.

[00:05:26] A dad and a son are sat on the bench. The son says, Dad, what's dark humour? The dad says, See that homeless man over there? Tell him to clap. The son says, I can't dad, I'm blind. And the dad says, Exactly son. Oh, because they weren't even in a normal life. Okay, nice. That took you a while, didn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway.

[00:05:56] How was life? All good, I think. I'm just procrastinating my way through my life. I'm just, I'm an outside observer in my own life. You've been a bit of a ghost, haven't you, this week? Let's be honest. I'm always a ghost. It's just sometimes I'm a bit present. He's sometimes, Jack goes through phases where he's very hard to communicate with. Like, I feel like I have to get the fucking Ouija board out just to say hello to him. Yeah. Or sometimes he can't stop you. Yeah. I think this week's been the...

[00:06:26] Sometimes I just like, feel like throwing my phone in the river and just going and like emigrating to... Right, should we get to the root cause of why you've been a ghost this week? I don't know. Jack's found a new game that he likes. Oh no. That's not... That's me procrastinating. I found a new game that's very good. It's called Medieval Dynasty, if anybody wants to know. It's a good game. You won't like it if you like first person shooter games and stuff like that. I.e. you.

[00:06:55] You won't like it. No. It's a very slow burner. It's a survival game. It's a... I don't know if I'd call it an RPG game, but it kind of is. It's a survival building game. So... So the way that it works is you start in the world with nothing and fucking... But you've got like hunger bars and drink bars and stuff like that. So you... And hydration bars, sorry. You've got to like survive and you need to sleep and stuff.

[00:07:24] But it starts with middle of nowhere with nothing. So... Like for the first... I don't know. For the first four days before I could figure out how to work the game, because it's like extremely complicated, like to make things. I figured out how to make a wooden spear and I would just fucking throw in a wooden spear at pigeons for like three days trying to get some food because I'd just got no money and I got nothing. And it was extremely stressful. I killed a duck with a spear, but obviously because it were in water, it sunk so I couldn't find fucking duck and spear. Do we? Yeah.

[00:07:52] So basically, because you haven't been surviving in the real world very well, you've decided to survive in a video game. I will not have that slander. Do you hear deceit? Before you start, don't you dare slander my virtual wife and my virtual child. Yes, she's had a child. She's had a child. Yes, because I've got a village now and I'm the village leader. Yeah. Yeah. I think there's 14 people in my village. Yeah, and you rule them all. Yeah, they've all got jobs. They've all got jobs.

[00:08:22] Have you retired? Well, I do not. Is your job the leader now? Well, yeah, I've just told them what to do. Yeah. I just, it's kind of like a weird Sims game, because you can make, because you, the game's very homophobic by the way, you can only have a man and a woman in one house, you can't put too many in one house, that doesn't work. No. It breaks the game. It doesn't work, he won't let you. Jesus doesn't allow it. It doesn't let you.

[00:08:49] Because when it started, I'd built one house for me and then I'd built another house for my workers because it got three beds in there. So I'd got, I don't know, I'd got this first bloke that were like, he were a water carrier, I'd built him a well so he could get water for everybody. And then I'd started like a little farm and I got this other bloke to try and come in. And I kept trying to put him in this house, he just kept stopping at door, he wouldn't go in. And I was like trying to figure it out for areas. I was like, what the fuck's going off? Why won't he go in? There's three fucking beds in there. It's because there's already a man in there.

[00:09:16] I wonder, you might have opened some people's eyes now and there might be some very aggressive emails going out. Probably, it was not my fault. Don't fucking attack the game either. The Pod Knight's a good game. Well, it is set back in what? Medieval Dynasty. Yeah, so it's medieval time. Yes. Yeah, so that gaze was like not even a... Well they probably were, they just were in closet. Well they were, they were just very secretive about it. So yeah, fair enough, but please don't attack the game, I really like the game. Please, because I don't want to get the game cancelled. I like the game.

[00:09:43] This is the only fixation he's got in his life right now. Well it's not a fixation, it's just, I like it. He likes it that much, he's not spoke to any of his friends in a week. I bet I've not even done anything. I've not even done that, that's like least of my concerns, I've done nothing. I have the Xbox app on my phone and I'll be grinding... See, I think this is fucking weird. Why? And I don't like it. Why? This is weird, this is like stalking.

[00:10:12] So do you know when you like obviously, and it's obviously ignore my message... You ain't fully fucking know one mate. Because it pops up on my phone. I'll not see a game attack. Jack is online, playing Medieval Dynasty and I'm like, the fucking bitch. I'm not ignoring you. I forget. No, you're choosing. No, no, no. I've explained this to you loads of times and it's genuine, I'm genuinely not doing it.

[00:10:40] I look at, I get a notification, I see the message, I reply in my head, I'm like, oh right, well I need to do that. And then, or whatever it says. And then I put my phone back down like that and I just never look at it again. Billy, if you don't believe me... I don't believe you, I've been your friend for 15 years. Look at my email list, I've got 15,000 unread emails. I've got 100 emails on my other account that I've not read. I've got 116 text messages that I have not opened.

[00:11:09] How do I fucking sleep at night? Easy, I just, because I just don't know. I don't know what's in any room. If I had a dead relative for like three years. If it's really important, they'll find another way to reach out to me. Yeah, yeah. You're really putting the communication test on everybody else, aren't you? If it's that important, I'll know about it. As soon as they actually get through to you, you're like, you are worthy. You made it. But it's the opposite way. If I get a letter, I absolutely shit myself. Oh yeah.

[00:11:39] I think I'm about to... Debt, debt, debt. Debt, debt. Debt, debt. I think I've got a letter saying that the king has personally been fucking... He's not happy with me. The king's been doing what? The king's not happy with me and I've got to get set to a fucking firing line. Yeah. I don't like letters. No, neither do I. No. I mean, do I... I don't like constant broad of people being able to contact me 24-7 either. I spend more time Googling where the letter is from, rather than opening the fucking letter. Well, that's just silly.

[00:12:09] Just open it. So I'll look up back and I'll go, oh my God. Wait, what's the address? Google in the chest. Fucking hell no, it's coming up. There's no cameras on letters. I guess if it's like an email, you think, oh fucking hell, somebody could be watching me through a fucking camera on my laptop. I'll prove it's a letter. There's no... Well, no, it's just like I want to know before I open the letter who it's from. That's fair. Do you know what? I think that's a millennial thing. Because like... I don't think other generations have got that fear, you know? Like, are you brave enough to just answer the phone when you don't know the number? I never answer the phone unless it's a number that I know. Exactly.

[00:12:39] Never. Like, there's psychos out there that will just answer the fucking phone. Yeah. That is a millennial thing. I genuinely think that's a millennial thing. Is that us? Like, it's just our generation that does that. Are we that? Are we that? Yes, we're millennials. We're millennials. I can't say it. Millenials. No. Millenials. That's us. That's us, yeah? Yeah. Say it again. Millennials. Oh, fuck off. Millennials. Mill. Mill. N. E. Ills. Ills. Millennials.

[00:13:09] You fucking idiot. It's just an odd word. But yeah, so yeah, it's scary that people do that. Yeah, if the phone's not, if the number's not saved in my phone, I ain't answering it. If they really want me, they'll leave me a voicemail and then I'll listen to that and ignore them as well. I've seen people answer unknown numbers so confidently. Yeah. Like, they'll go, hello, Billy speaking, who's this? And you're like, fuck it, no. Do you know what?

[00:13:37] I've realised also, I'm very polite because I won't tell people to fuck off when I do answer a number. Because if I'm expecting a call from somebody, obviously you have to answer fucking unknown numbers. But sometimes I'm like too polite. So it's like somebody will ring me. So I donate blood every now and again, right? But them fuckers are rounding me up like the fucking, there's people dying everywhere, left, right and centre on every fucking road and they all need blood transfusions. I know, it's all from you. Yeah. You're the only type.

[00:14:05] Those fuckers, those fuckers want to put a straw in me and fucking bleed me dry with how many messages they send me. Honestly. So, but anyway, so it was a phone call so I answered it and they were like talking about blood donations. And I walk in dog at time and I just, I didn't have heart to tell them just like stop fucking ringing me. If I want to donate blood I'll fucking come in. Do you know what I mean? Like I'll do it on my behalf. You can't dictate to me when I'm going to do it. That might be a controversial opinion but it's better to do it when I want, when I want to not do it. It's a communication thing again, isn't it? Yeah.

[00:14:35] Anyway, I just didn't have heart to tell them to like stop ringing me because I get letters, I get emails, I get phone calls from them. How many times have you done it? Once? No, I've done it like four times. Oh, have you? Yeah. Um, I've lost my train of thought now. Oh, so I said, I said to him, I'm sorry I'm at work now, can you ring me back later at another convenient time? He was like, when's a convenient time? And I just said any other time other than now. And then he put phone down and he rang me back at like fucking six o'clock and said, like sorry I'm still at work. He put phone down.

[00:15:04] He was like, right, I'll ring you tomorrow then. So I've got, I know what the number is now so now I've not answered it. Yeah. I had a scary one once. I had, um, obviously a random number rang me. Obviously didn't answer. Uh, Googled the number straight after. Hmm. And it was Nat West. The bank, my bank. Oh no. I'm like, what the fuck? What the fuck man? Um, so I waited for it to ring me, ring me back again. I thought, I think it's that fucking important. I checked the bank and I'm like, no. Money's still there.

[00:15:34] Ten quid's still there. So fucking no shade is happening. Um, and they rang me back and said, and they said, hi, we're just wanting to ring you to see if you'd be interested in a free financial health check. Uh, I wouldn't qualify for one of those currently. All right, mate, you better put it on life support because there's no way I'm surviving that. But yeah, they do these free health financial check. If you ever want to be felt so shit in your life, have one.

[00:16:04] Why did you have one? Yeah. Yeah. I'm not doing that. You know, if someone were to rob me, the max amount of money they could rob for me is about five pounds. No, it's not about robbing you. It's about saying how, you know, financially. Illiterate. Healthy you are. Yeah. I am financially illiterate. So they'll like, you know, they get fucking spending patterns. Oh my God. No, no, no, no, no, no. I'd never do that. No. They're like, so you're left with this every month. I'd rather be blind to it. I know it exists. I just don't want to know.

[00:16:34] Like, so do you really need to eat that much food in a month? It's plausible deniability. Yeah. But that's not just for me, is it? It's not just, I've bought, I've bought, I bought somebody else food as well. Right. So did you do that every time you went out? No. So you've spent like 60 quid every time on food. Every time you've gone out just for yourself. Billy, I don't even know where my money goes. My money all goes in my stomach. I just buy stupid shit all the time.

[00:16:59] I went, I went for a coffee at this other place a few weeks ago and they've got these bottles that have got lion's mane and it's called focus in it and it helps your brain. And the other ones that's got like reishi and stuff like that, it's called relax. I had to look them online. I thought fucking hell, they're very good. Cause I felt good after I'd had it. So I thought, right, I'm going to buy some of them. And it was 60 quid for two bottles and I bought them. I have fucking no idea why. Did you even check bank beforehand? No, I just bought them.

[00:17:29] See again, people do that and all, don't they? Yeah. They'll spend big money and they're not even checking bank accounts first. I know. If it's over 100 quid, I'll check. Cause I, cause I, cause I, I know roughly if I've got at least 100 quid in my account. So if it's over 100 quid, I'll have to check. Yeah. But that's my cut off like 100, that's when I'll check. Do you know what does me is the little bits, the little horrible fucking subscription shit I've got deep down. What? Like car insurance? Deep down. Like, you know, you think, oh yeah, yeah. Sound rate. I get paid tomorrow.

[00:17:58] I've got 50 quid left. I'm going to go buy that. As you're walking towards till fucking ding, NatWest, 1599 Spotify has gone out. Like, oh fuck. Do you know what's even worse? It's when you don't even know what it is and you don't realize it's a recurring payment. Like I figured out one last year that I've been paying 599 to this fucking shopping, shopping channel thing. Cause I bought one thing ages ago and you had to make an account and you got your first month free on your account. So I've been paying 599 to this shopping thing for like fucking 15 years.

[00:18:28] And I didn't even know. Do you remember them actually? That I bet kids nowadays won't even know what they are. Shopping channels. Yeah. Well, it went a shopping channel. I can't remember where it is. I think it was like a website where you get like fucking, you get discounted stuff. And I didn't realize. And I'd used it like once. So yeah, I see them where, do you remember where they're like? Shopping channels. Used to fucking demonstrate whatever it was. And they got these fucking super duper chopping boards that you could do three different things on. You could chop it triangles. You could chop squares. You could chop circles. And it's 1299.

[00:18:56] Just ring this number and have it at your door. Yeah. Complete fucking bullshit. Yeah. I nearly fell for one because it was a stupid. Well, I don't even know. Are these scams? Are they just legitimate ways of you getting to buy it? It's just legitimate ways of getting to buy it. Oh, right. But it's obviously marked up at a much higher price because they fucking have got a TV channel to pay for and fucking the person doing presenting. Yeah. So yeah. Um, but yeah, that's one room nearly got me the other day. It was like a thing for dog hair to get dog hair out of stuff.

[00:19:23] Then I just fucking, I thought, I thought, oh, sorry, that, but yeah, I didn't, I didn't fall for it. Hmm. Cool story, bro. Yeah. Cool story. Right. That's the end of podcast. Cheers, guys. Cheers. Sorry. We went on like a bit of a rant there, didn't we? Anyway, we're going to be doing something a bit different for you guys because we've gone into the big world now. Right. So I'll let you explain it and then I'll explain my version of events. Okay. So I've put this podcast into the next few, into the next level.

[00:19:51] Just, you just explain what's happening and I'll, I'll take over from there, please. Okay. So we are now open with sponsorships. Woo. Yeah. We now are part of a brilliant network called Pododomy. Yeah. And we're great for these type of podcasts. Yeah. Part of this, we're landing some very, very exciting guests. Yeah. Which you'll have to keep an eye on our Instagram to see who will come in. Yeah.

[00:20:20] And we are now going to queue after Jack's done his little bit for the adverts. Okay. So before we get to that, I just thought it'd be just nice to just share with everybody so it's not just me. That Billy does things without even telling me, which is fair enough because I have no input and whatever. I'm a secondary piece in this podcast. Believe it or not. My name, like my name's on there, but this is all Billy. This is Batman and Robin kind of thing.

[00:20:48] This is Batman and fucking- It's not even Marvin. It's Alfred. This is Batman and the fucking local barista at his Starbucks. That's what this is. That gives him his coffee and sees him every so often. So I obviously came here today and Billy's like, oh, well, we're doing this and we're doing this and we've got this person coming on and we've got this person coming on. And I'm like, right. Okay. Uh, right. Okay. Okay. And then he's like, yeah, he fucking asked me, have you got a joke? I'm like, no, I've not done. I've not even done that. That's a big fucking basic, even little thing.

[00:21:18] I've not done. So, but yeah, I mean, just in typical Billy fashion, he's, we've got, we've now signed up to a fucking podcast thing. Um, we've got a manager and a manager. A manager. Is it a manager? What do you call him? An agent. Yeah. We've got an agent. I don't know his name. I've never met him, but we've got one. I've met him. Billy, Billy has. Billy does all busy. Billy does all that. So shout out to what's it. What's his name? Damien. Damien. Hello, Damien. This is, I'm Jack, obviously.

[00:21:47] Uh, cause apparently he's going to be listening to this. Is he going to be listening to this? Yeah, he's going to be listening to this. He's going to cut in, he's going to cut in the adverts after this, after this, at this point, but not yet cause I've not finished. But, uh, so yeah. And then Billy's, Billy's got like these guests coming on and some of them are big deals. Very big deals. Very big deals. Yeah. So yeah, that's just it. I just thought I'd just let everybody know what a piece of shit I am and how much I don't want to do anything.

[00:22:17] This is me just being trying to give you a bit of credit cause obviously this is your baby. And I'm just along for Billy's vanity project. That's what it is. You are. Um, I'm like a kangaroo and you're just in my front pocket. Yeah. Yeah. We can do that. Yeah. Just made big nose sticking out at front. Pouch. Make it look like you've got a fucking arm on. Anyway. Get listening to these ads. So the adverts are coming up now. We don't know what they are currently yet because we'll, we'll, we'll see, but we appreciate all the adverts and we love all the adverts.

[00:22:44] We know exactly what they are and we love all the adverts. And they're coming now. And they're coming now. Welcome back. Thanks for the adverts. So for you people listening, they were just like a section there and you've stayed and listened to adverts. But for me and Billy, all we did, it was to stare at each other and then just stop for like, like 0.1 second. And then we just talked again. I think people know the logistics of how it works. Not necessarily. You don't have to. Every time we have one, you won't have to explain it to everybody. Yeah.

[00:23:13] But for me, this is a weird experience for me because it's like we've had an old cup, but we haven't. Yeah. But that's weird for me anyway. It'll get used to it. It will get used to it. I don't think I will. And bearing in mind, I think the guest, to be fair, we've never even said, spoke about him since. We had a really good guest on, didn't we? Tom Stade. Yeah. Fantastic. Yeah. I don't know how you pulled that one out of the bag either. I pulled that one out of the bag. Because I had no to do with that either. Persistent messaging is the key.

[00:23:43] Billy's like an annoying ex. He'll email you, send you messages on three different social media apps and he'll try and get your number from somewhere and he'll be at your front door. Do you know who's taught me all that? Who? You. Me? Yeah. Why? My communication skills have developed so much better. You just got to, you know how to get in. Because I just use the ways how I communicate to you, to the other people. And I finally get through to them at some point. Yeah. There we go. One way or another. You're welcome. We're just training you. You are. And making you the ultimate salesperson.

[00:24:13] Yeah. And obviously guys, another exciting thing is we're up for an award. Woo! Yeah, this is another thing that I had no idea about. You did it? Yeah. So it's the golden lobes. If you can... Golden lobes? Yeah. What? Is it an award for having fucking massive ears or something? Please don't take the piss out of the wall. We may get nominated. Oh, right. Okay. Sorry. It's called massive lobes. Golden. Golden lobes. Oh, sorry. Please don't take the piss out of the wall. It's called golden lobes.

[00:24:43] Yeah. Don't take the piss out of the wall. Billy, do we really want to win an award that's called golden lobes? Yes, we do. Right. Okay. It's an accredited award winning. If we win that award and it comes to me and it's a giant golden ear, I'm going to be pissed off. Golden lobes? Is that really what they called it? Why? Is it an acronym for something? No. So why did they pick that? I don't know. Ask them when we get the award. Do it as part of your speech. Golden lobes? That's the best name they could come up with?

[00:25:15] Bear in mind, we're getting judged, so... Alright, well... That's... Jack's just ruined our chances, so forget that guys, we've not won the award. We don't want to win a fucking golden lobe award anyway. We... They want us to bloody travel down to London and all. That's if we win. That's if we... Or do we not get invited if we don't win? Well, you... There's no point, is there? Are they paying fucking five grand train fare or no?

[00:25:41] If we get nominated, we won't know if we win until we get there on the night. How do we know if we get nominated? They'll let us know. We've been... We're in the shortlist of nominations. Right, okay. But they might have just heard this and gone, yeah, they're not getting fucking nominated. Why? You've just slagged off the guys who've named it. We didn't slag it off, and we... We... Whoa, whoa! This is not a very old we in this moment. This is you. And also, also, there is no way I'm the first person that'll flag that off. There's no way.

[00:26:10] Not with a name like Golden Lobes. There's no way. I need to actually make sure that I got that right. I'm gonna say that, because... Are you sure it's called Golden Lobes? Yep, Golden Lobes. The Golden Lobes. L-O-B-E. Do you know what's funny? The gold bit is actually shaped as an ear. So... Okay. Yeah, anyway. But I'm not the first person to take my car out of that. I'm just the first person to do it on a fucking podcast, probably. Yeah. What they're judging. Yeah. Maybe this is what they play. Maybe this is what they play.

[00:26:39] Do you reckon people, when they win the Oscar, take the piss out of the Oscar? Absolutely. Really? Some people do. Who? I don't know. I don't know. But fucking, it's Oscars, innit? They're actors. They're all a bit weird, aren't they? Yeah. Yeah. Do you know what I miss doing it? Ricky Gervais. Yeah. If you can't take piss out of it, what's the point in doing it? We're at the Oscars he did all. We're at the Golden Globes.

[00:27:08] He won Oscars, I think. Right. I'm pretty sure he won Oscars. I even meant at that. Well, that's it, innit? People take themselves so seriously. He was absolutely brilliant. If you've got an awards event called Golden Lobes and you can't take a few jokes about it, like... I mean, it is for comedy, so... Yeah, exactly. So just get ears. Please. Please. If you've listened to us, slag you off. We're sorry. Billy's very sorry. He didn't mean to. Yeah.

[00:27:35] Billy's sorry he's put all this hard work in for Jack to ruin it in space in 10 seconds. Well, I've not ruined it. I've elevated his chances. Yeah. They'll know who we are now. Exactly. They'll know for a fact who we are. Anyway, are you excited for Sunday? Uh, am I excited for Sunday? Yeah. I have no idea what's happening on Sunday. The Sheffield Marathon. What? The Sheffield Marathon. Was that this Sunday? Yeah. Why are you running?

[00:28:02] No, but you seem to build and physique for that type of event. Have you signed me up without me knowing? Is this another thing you've set up? Have I got to get my running shoes out ready fucking Sunday morning? And you're dressed up as an octopus. Right, okay. What are you doing? I'm going to be the female catching your penis. Oh, okay. I'm not running the marathon naked. Did you not know it was... Did you not know it? No, I had no idea. Literally, do you not look when you're driving? Well, I mean, yeah, but I've not drove in the middle of Sheffield.

[00:28:33] What? You're in and out of Sheffield all the time. You don't get the tram, right? Yeah, but have you still not seen all the signs in Sheffield? No. No. It's like a big, massive event. Is it? It's a fucking marathon. Of course it's big. No, I've not seen it. I'm a little bit oblivious. Right, if they'd have put the Sheffield marathon in Medieval Dynasty, you'd have fucking seen it then, wouldn't you? I'd have ran it. I'd have completely... Wife and kids. Yeah. 14 of us. Yeah. No, I've not been paying attention.

[00:29:04] Why? Are you signed up or something? No, no. It's like a big thing for a city, isn't it? Is it? Do you know? Is it an actual marathon? Yes. Fucking hell. Sheffield's not that big, is it? Well, I don't know where they're running. Fucking hell. Run around here a few times, I'm sure you'll be able to do a marathon. Right, okay. A lot of hills in Sheffield, are they counting in fucking incline and all? Yeah. London's pretty flat, innit, where they do it. Yeah. There's a lot of fucking hills in Sheffield, that's way harder. Er...

[00:29:33] So don't be driving anyway Sunday. I'd recommend. Well, I'm at work on Sunday, so... Or driving at all. Driving job on Sunday. Yeah, delivering people shopping. Oof, I hope you don't fucking care. I'll just fucking cancel orders right away. If I can't get through, I'm canceling orders. Sorry, running a marathon. Er... Sorry, Janine, you can't have your eggs in your toilet roll. Sorry. These fucking inconsiderate people just want to run on roads and fucking close them off. Sorry, Janine.

[00:30:01] I mean, you're a runner, aren't you? Like, you enjoy running. Er... I haven't run properly, properly for like a few years. You're a runner in Tuesday-ass, would you say? Er... You're one of them who feels good after a run. Yeah, absolutely. Like... And I'm the opposite. Like, I just don't see any enjoyment in running. I don't see enjoyment in other people's faces while they're running. It's like more enjoyment afterwards. Like... Is it enjoyable inside their own head? Like, runners high is an actual thing.

[00:30:30] Because they hide that very well, you know. Run as high is a thing. Like, it's legit. I mean, you don't see anybody running and smiling, do you? Yes, I've seen that. I've seen people having a full conversation while running. Yeah, but they're not running very fast. They are. I watched them. What, like in an 100-metre sprint? They weren't doing 100-metre sprint, but they were running fast! Yeah, I don't know. I don't know how I got on it, but I was on Reddit and I was reading this guy's story about how he hacked himself into liking running. Because he was in the same position as you.

[00:31:00] Right? Didn't like running, hated it. Couldn't see your point. I like running for something. Right, so you need a purpose. Like... Okay, so this ties into this story. Right, hang on. So this guy hated running. So what he would do is every time... So he'd set off small and do a run, and then every time he did a run, what he did, he put a nicotine patch on. So he got himself addicted to running so that he could have a nicotine patch because he stopped smoking. And every time he did a run, obviously he put a nicotine patch on, felt fucking fantastic.

[00:31:30] So he gaslit himself into liking running. That's clever. Yeah. So obviously he got a nicotine rush. I can't remember whether he did it while he was running or after he was running, but it was either one of those two things. And obviously he just got to a point where he liked running. Why didn't you just have a fag? Because this is like a much healthier thing, is it not? What? Nicotine. Same thing, innit? I think the... I think the reason... I've not actually clued up on this. I've not actually clued up on this. The reason that you get cancer and stuff from smoking... Is the tar.

[00:31:59] I don't think it's actually the nicotine. It's the other things that are in the fags and also the fumes and stuff. The tar in it. It's tar in it. Yeah, I don't think it's the actual nicotine. I don't think the nicotine's the issue. Yeah. It's just that the fact that most people get the nicotine through fags... I might be completely wrong on that because I've never smoked ever. You'll want to talk on this side. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I just stick it in my fucking gob and light it. Well, okay then. You've just never even thought about it, have you? Well, no. And obviously, by the way, I've stopped. I've been stopped now a year? Two years? Is that how long it's been?

[00:32:29] A year and a half. Pretty much, yeah. I've been stopped. I tried one when I went to Portugal. I nearly threw up. Yeah. I genuinely think you need to kick them fucking vapes in though. Can't. You've got to. Can't. You've got to. Can't. If you think smoking fags are bad, imagine what that fucking vape's doing. Yeah, right. And I say this to everybody. Because they see TikTok and Instagram and the government saying how bad vapes are.

[00:32:57] Billy, do you know that you've got to close down vape shops in a few years because they're not allowed to sell vapes anymore here? Disposables. It's because, the reason why is because kids have ruined it. It's. The fucking kids. The fucking kids have ruined it. Right, okay. Because they're walking around thinking they're fucking cool with a bright pink. Fucking custard doughnuts. Smoking custard doughnuts. Yeah, raspberry doughnut and all that shit. Raspberry penis. Yes.

[00:33:23] But, if smoking, if we, when fags first came out, Ben and my kids used to smoke. Yeah. And no one fucking shouted about that. Yeah. Well, I'm pretty sure they fucking did, but yeah. Well, they did, but it weren't like social media-ised. Well, social media wasn't a thing back then. Yeah. So, it was still a problem. It weren't coming up on news, were it? Every two minutes going, oh, fucking Johnny at 14 year old had two fucking fags and he's now dead.

[00:33:52] Because it's now more of an issue because it's now more easily accessible. That's for me. Can you remember how hard it were to try and get like stuff that you weren't old enough for? Like booze and chops and fucking fags and stuff. Fucking piece of piss, mate. It was very hard. It was it? It was. I should just ask my mother. Okay, that's a bit incriminating for Billy's mother. Well, yeah, because she, I didn't. This is a good reminder that nothing on this podcast is true or this is all false and it's a comedy podcast.

[00:34:20] I used to ask my mother, because I didn't smoke as a youth. I smoked at a weird age at 22, something like that. I don't know. You started smoking at 22? Yeah. You weirdo. After a lad's holiday. So you didn't even do it to get like... No, I didn't do it to be cool or all that. Right. I did it. You just did it because you're weird. I just did it at that random age. See, I've never understood smoking at all. Like I've never been, it's not something that I wanted to be addicted to.

[00:34:50] Like I could have a smoke socially like outside pub. Do you know what I mean? But other than that, like some people get up in the morning and they think first thing they want a drink, they want a fag. That's amazing. It's not. Oh my God, that's disgusting. That makes it so bad. Oh mate, that's disgusting. Er, yeah anyway, so my mother used to give me fags as a kid to go to school. Right. And I used to sell them. Well, that's illegal.

[00:35:20] Well... You're really stitching yourself up on this. This is a fake comedy podcast, nothing on this is real. No, but yeah, I used to sell them. Right, okay. What's wrong in that? I was... Well, multiple things and probably multiple loads. I was using my... Reselling products that are not meant to be resold from the start, selling products to kids, there's another one. Ah, they were all right, they were snipes. They were living... Fucking hell, Billy. But, that were my inner... You know, just because it happened in past, don't mean you're safe though?

[00:35:49] Yeah, I am safe, I'm immune to that. Are you sure? I've got a clean DBS. Fucking... Okay. Er, that were my inner entrepreneur. I thought you were, yeah but, I accept that from people selling like fucking Mars bars and that, not you dishing out heroin on playground. Well no, it's not drugs is it? It's still legal. It's a legal thing to buy. Okay. Just underage. Yeah. It's not at the right age. Alright, I'm going to phrase this a different way.

[00:36:19] You've got a Bambino. Obviously when he gets to like, I don't know, 12 or something like that, what would you do if he got a pack of fags in his bag and some kids at school selling it? Murder him and all the kids. Yeah, exactly. It's different, innit? Different times now. Yeah, different, innit? Different times now. It's fine. Right, okay. Well you wouldn't be allowed now, would you? Because it's all soft, gentle parenting. I don't think it's considered a soft, gentle parenting thing not to have all kids smoking in grounds of when they shouldn't be smoking for a start. No, I mean, but to catch them and discipline them you have to do the soft approach now.

[00:36:48] Okay, yeah. Like, if I'd have done it my mum would have probably put my head in the oven. Yeah. I got caught smoking at school once. You never fucking smoked at school. I did, behind the shed. You weren't cool enough. Well that's rude. I did. Did I sell them yet? Fucking hell, probably. Anyway, you probably forced me to do it. I actually grasped on myself and all. Oh Jack. I grasped on myself. Why? I did. To the teacher? No, to my mother. Oh, to your mother. Yeah.

[00:37:18] Because I had, my mum's very good at like, she was always good at playing poker, she's got a good fucking poker face. So I'd, so she had got no, not no prior knowledge. Erm, anyway I'd had a fag at school and come home and obviously fucking, I'd, I'd lynxed and stuff so I knew that I didn't smell. Lynxed affricated? Yeah. And it didn't work? She's, well she's got the same nose as me, she's like fucking bloodhound. So fucking, I get my nose from my mother unfortunately for her.

[00:37:43] Erm, so I'd come home and obviously she could smell it on me, even though I'd put lynxed up, I don't know how she'd done it. Fucking, well, she smoked like most of her life so she knows that I'd have to smell it. She knows what it fucking smells like. And er, she played it at school and then said to me, er, why have I had a phone call from your headmaster saying that you've been caught smoking at school? Oh that's her eight gas light. Yeah exactly! And I'm like, I'm so sorry I only did it once! I only did it once, I'm sorry! She fucking gaslit me into admitting that!

[00:38:14] Bearing in mind, she probably saw you doing it. Cause you only lived like, five, you lived like- No, she definitely didn't see me do it cause we were on school grounds. It was, it was a back behind that shed, do you remember? Oh yeah, you lived up front didn't you? Yeah, no but you were, I didn't do it in front at school, I did it in school on dinner break behind that shed cause you, there was this shed and whoever built it obviously got people doing illegal stuff back in, not illegal but stuff that should be doing. You were fucking teachers mate, that's what it was for.

[00:38:40] Yeah, because the cameras couldn't see behind that shed so if you ever wanted to have a fucking fire or you could go behind that shed. Azote teachers never knew. No they all knew! They used to be behind back of the air! Fucking toes in up with kids! Different time. No I did it behind there, so obviously I grasped myself up, I just got gaslit by my mother. That's quality of that. Yeah. Not the first time I gaslit myself either. I'm gonna try it. She got me for once as well cause I snuck out and went at fair and also snitched on myself. You went at fair? Yeah. Why weren't you allowed to go at fair?

[00:39:09] I can't remember I did that that way. Oh is it cause it rubbed Kimmy? Yeah, I think I was also grounded for something, I don't know what I'd done. But that was another case where she gasped at me, she said my auntie saw me at fair. She had no idea, she knew that fair were there so that was just like a logical assumption. Assumption. My mother had been a good detective, like she just fucking... Just gaslight the mirror into saying that in the video even though... Yeah. One day they never even did it. Yeah. You did it! I saw you! We know you were there and we've got video evidence of you using that weapon. Isn't that illegal to say that? Yeah. Yeah.

[00:39:39] It's incriminating, I don't know, something fucking incriminating evidence or something. I don't fucking know. I don't know. I'm not a lawyer or a police officer. But yeah, anyway that was fun, wasn't it? What were the questions? I don't know. What were the questions? I have no idea. I think we're time for a segment though. Are we? Yeah man. Okay. I'm ready for the sing song. Yeah. Segment time, segment time, it is segment time, yeah.

[00:40:12] Right, do you want to explain it or shall I explain it? Er... You explain it. The female octopuses are five times bigger than the male octopuses, that's why they have a bigger... They have another penis, because they'll get fucking decimated if they have sex with it. You don't know we're near the end of the show, not the beginning. Yeah, sorry. I've just... Yeah, sorry. I've just seen it pop up. Er... Go on. I'll let you contribute to something. You explain what we're doing today. Er... Just one second. One second.

[00:40:42] One second. Where am I? Just wait. The light's flickering. Yeah, I don't know if the light's flickering or it's me just blinking. No. I couldn't tell the difference. The light is definitely fucking flickering and it's a little bit weird. Er... Okay. Da da da da da da... So... We're gonna... The segment is called... The segment. The segment is called Rapid Questions. No. The segment's called The Segment. Okay. Yeah.

[00:41:12] And this segment is about... Rapid Questions. Yeah. That me and Billy are gonna ask each other. And we've got to answer... Er... I don't know, like in 60 seconds or something like that. Oh, yeah. Less than that. Okay. Like five seconds. Alright, ten seconds. I've got my little fucking Casio watch on and all so I can time it. If you want to be. If you want to do it legit. We never get that serious, do we? Oops, sorry. Erm... So that look... You can all hear it tippy-tappy and all.

[00:41:42] Yeah. Er... That's my stopwatch. So we can do... I can actually make it legit. Erm... But it's also gonna be like a rant thing or something maybe. I don't know. I think you just really wanna have a rant, don't you? I don't know, you got me burning up about that Spongebob thing. Right, go on, have your rant. Just for everybody, the listeners. I say I got Jack riled up. Because... Right, what it is... Spongebob was on the TV. No.

[00:42:12] Growing up... Some of the best years of my life were watching Spongebob. Yes. Spongebob Squarepants. I used to watch it at my nan's house. She used to cook me steak and circle chips. Circle chips are just fried potatoes in circles. Erm... Steak and circle chips and I used to watch Spongebob. A lot of memories. And fucking... Best time of my fucking life. Watching that. Deep. Deep. It were funny. It got some wisdom in there. Yeah. It were fantastic. Yeah. What the fuck have they done? I could murder everybody. What have they done to...

[00:42:42] What have they done to Spongebob? What have they done to him? I elaborate for people. This newest film that's out on Netflix. Yeah. What... What the fuck? They've drawn him differently. They've drawn him differently. It's not Spongebob. It's a fucking imposter. Who is that man? It's not Spongebob. They've done a different... They've tried something new. They've done it all. It's not the same. They've tried something new. It's too much change. It's too much change. I don't like it. Why do they need to change it? It were perfect. They've tried making it like fucking four dimensional. Yeah. It's a 2D character.

[00:43:12] It's a Spongebob that lives under ocean. Why the fuck does it need to be 4D? It doesn't look good. I'm sick of this fucking... This fucking stuff. And they're making... They're making like things look shitter than what they did 10 years ago. Do you remember Transformers? How good that CGI were? Have you seen CGI films now? They look like they've been fucking filmed by some fucking idiot. Have you seen Shrek? Oh my god, that's another one. Why are you changing everything? What's wrong? Stop changing things. You don't have to keep reinventing things to be relevant.

[00:43:41] You don't have to do it. Stop it. And that was the first part of the... Stop. There's too much change. Why... You don't need to do it. It's not necessary to fucking change how you draw Spongebob. Just imagine the real Spongebob in your head. And count to 10. You can calm down. It's fine. Sorry. Change is inedible. It doesn't need to be.

[00:44:10] I'm accepting of change when it's needed. Yeah. Spongebob were a classic. It doesn't need fucking changing. Why does it need changing? Do you know what will anger you and all? Like, kids of today will ever only know that Spongebob... Which is wrong. ...what you're ranting about. It's a tragedy. So when we show them, like, our Spongebob, they'll go, What was that? It's wrong. It's not even... It's not even funny anymore either. It's like so dumbed down. Old school Spongebob used to be... It was supposed to be stupid, innit?

[00:44:39] No, but they were like jokes in it that were good. Lot of Uendos though, innit? What were... Yeah. I mean, the Shrek one to be very did get me. I don't understand what they've done with Shrek. Why? Why do they need to do it? Why are they drawing things differently? Yeah. Why is CGI going so far backwards? Like, it were better ten years ago than what it is now. Yeah. How does that work? Things are supposed to get better, not shitter. Anyway...

[00:45:07] If you had to fight a hundred duck-sized horses or one horse-sized duck, what would you fight? What? Say it again, because you lost me. If you had to fight a hundred-sized ducks? Yeah. That didn't make sense. Hundred what? Hundred duck-sized ducks. Hundred duck-sized ducks. I think I could take them. Would you rather fight a hundred duck-sized horses or one horse-sized duck? One horse-sized duck. Oh. Think about that logistically. So one duck-sized horses. So, one hundred duck-sized horses.

[00:45:37] Or one horse-sized duck. Oh. A duck that's the size of a fucking horse. You know ducks have got teeth. Yeah, so have horses. That's true. And there's hundreds of the fuckers fighting you. Yeah, but they're the size of ducks. Yeah, but ducks haven't got real teeth, have they? They've got bills. So it's gonna fucking peck me, innit? That's all it's gonna do. I can just punch that duck straight in... That horse... I think you're misunderstanding the question. You're asking me for which one I'd rather fight. Right.

[00:46:07] One hundred-sized duck horses. One hundred duck-sized horses. So that means it's a horse, it's an actual horse, but it's the size of a duck. Yeah, so it's that. Or, one duck the size of a horse. Do you know how big a horse is, Billy? Yeah, it's about the same size as me. So you want something that's the size of a horse to be able to fly and be able to peck you. Do you know... Oh yeah, it can fly, shit. So it can fly. So it can just pick me up. It can pick you up, it can fly, and it's also got that pecker,

[00:46:36] which is now bigger, which means that you can fucking break your arm and take your arm off. Right, this is my answer. Stop railroading me to the one you want it to be. Well, your answer's wrong. Sorry. Carry on. I'm gonna stick with my original because I think I can't fight a hundred duck-sized horses. You absolute idiot. Right, how am I gonna do it? They'll just piranha me. You just kick them! A hundred of them? Yeah, easy. A hundred of them? Easy! Easy!

[00:47:05] And they'll all be biting, they'll all be doing that stupid backflip kick, the thing they can do. They'll fucking get me down to my knees, and that's it, I'm done. Mate, I'll cannonball them. I'll squish them. I'm done. Alright, so if you see a duck right down, and you jump on it and it don't move, is it gonna survive? What? If the duck don't move? Oh, if I squish the duck. So if you see a bunch of ducks on the ground... Yeah, but I can't do that a hundred times. You can't do fucking ten belly flops. I reckon you could get ten ducks in one go. But while I'm already on the deck, when I've done... You get up fast. What, and they've not already piled on?

[00:47:35] Have you never done a burpee? And they've not already piled on top of me. Yeah, so you just flop about. You gotta do that ten times, you gotta chuck your sender on the ground ten times and they're all done. Right. You're fighting one horse-sized duck, mate, you're done. I'm doing it, mate. You're done. I'm doing it because I can hit it. I've got a bigger target to hit. Oh, fucking hell. He's got a smaller target to hit for you. Well, yeah, but he'll not catch me. You're not that fast. I'm fucking down like a whippet. Alright. Do you think you can outrun a duck that can fly? I'm not outrunning it, I'm dodging it.

[00:48:05] Okay. I'm doing side sweeps and... Remember the last time you did a side sweep, Billy? When was the last time I fought a duck? In my scenario, all you've gotta do is chuck yourself on the ground. You're side sweeping and doing some martial arts shit. I've gone more all combat on this, don't I? Right, okay. Yeah, I don't think that's the truth, but anyway. Okay, well, I kind of went in a different approach on these. On these. Okay, pretty much the same, yeah. Which one would you rather be locked inside with, a shark or a crocodile? Neither, I'm petrified of both. You've gotta pick one. I'm petrified. You've gotta pick one. You've gotta pick one.

[00:48:34] I'll shoot myself. You've gotta pick one. I'll smash my head up more so I'll die. You can't. You're invincible. I'd rather a shark than a crocodile. You'd rather fight a shark than a crocodile. Yep. Them crocodiles will fuck you up, dude. No. But, look at, well, fucking Steve Irwin did alright. Right. Shark, right. You've got a chance to bop that thing on head and it'll fuck off. Right. If you bop a crocodile on head mate, all you're doing is pissing it off, that thing's gonna tear you up.

[00:49:03] Yeah, but you can get on top of a crocodile. How long for? Do you mean in water or like... Both in their environment. Both in their environment? Shark. So you're underwater with the shark. Shark every day. In your own land with a crocodile. So bear in mind you can see an ocean. You were going into the murky waters with a crocodile, you don't even know where that fucking thing is. Yeah, no, if you're on land. You're on land. No, you said in their environment. Yeah, we just want land, innit? Their environments. They're like swamp land, innit? A crocodile. Yeah, I'd still take a shark. It can survive on the land. I'll take a shark. Okay. I'll take a shark.

[00:49:31] Also, I'd rather be killed by a shark than a crocodile. Have you seen what they do when they kill stuff? The death row. They just rip you to pieces. Yeah. Yeah, which is funny. I'm terrified of snakes and all what's on my fucking feed is snakes. Yeah, I've got sharks and crocodiles on mine. It's like it knows. Do you know that there's a crocodile that's like, it's like developed this thing and they don't know why, but it's managing to mimic people drowning in lakes so people will go in and save it and try to save somebody and they'll eat it.

[00:50:00] So it like lays on its back and puts his hands in its hair like that and moves its fingers. So it looks like somebody drowning. Oh my God. Those things are dinosaurs. They've been, they are scary fucking things. Yeah, but a shark is. A shark's older than a crocodile. Honestly, have you not seen people that swim with sharks? Like you can bop those things in head and they'll fuck off. Yeah, but I don't imagine, like a great white, I can't imagine it works for one of them. Well, I'd rather take my chances with a great white than I would be a fucking crocodile.

[00:50:29] I'll tell you that for no... Okay. What's the weirdest thing you'd do for a grand? Anything. I'd do anything. Just anything's on the table. I'd fucking, they buy shit, I don't know. I know exactly what you meant from that. So if people that don't understand, it was a woman that was paid by, I don't know, Sheik or something like that. They'd obviously got a lot of money to eat shit at her toilet and she did. Yeah. So you'd obviously offer a lot of money. I'd do that for a grand. The weirdest thing I'd do for a grand, I don't know, probably run around naked.

[00:51:01] That's weird. Is it? Yeah. I'd do that for a hundred quid. Really? Yeah. It's not that weird. I mean, you've got to have kind of some self. Respect. Yeah, you never mentioned at what time of the day though, did you? I'm doing it at midnight. Yeah, I agree. Yeah. Because no fucking predators are out at midnight. Predators? Yeah. What do you mean human predators or do you mean... I don't know like... What kind of predators do you mean? I don't mean like cows in fucking England. Like am I going to run naked away from fucking pedophiles or something?

[00:51:31] I don't know why that'd matter for me. I'm not a child. I know. It's probably because you're a child-sized cock. Well, that... That were a fucking stray, weren't it? That were rude. Anyway. You're better both worlds, innit? Yeah. They get to get that and they get to do it legally. Oh my God, that's fucking disgusting. It's dark. Okay, nice. I think we should move on. Your next question.

[00:52:02] Are you a scrunchie or a fold when you wipe? Both. I fold first then scrunch. Okay. Oh, so it's my turn, innit? Yeah. What's the most embarrassing thing you've ever googled? Fucking hell. What most embarrassing thing I've ever googled? Sorry, I didn't mean to touch you under the table. I thought you were like, insinuating. No, sorry, I didn't mean to touch you under the table. I don't know.

[00:52:33] I don't know. Embarrassing. Hmm. Or weirdest thing you've ever googled. Weird? I don't really google it. I did google something. Go on. 29. Okay. Just to make that known, aren't they? Yeah, cheers. 29. Yeah. Google it like that. Was it helpful?

[00:53:02] Well, the tutorial, were you? Okay. No YouTube tutorials telling you how to put a condom on? Yeah. Were it YouTube? Well, yeah. It were? Yeah. Educational, mate. Right, okay. Fair enough. I'm teaching my son. Oh no! That was... No, that was... That was bad. This is a fake podcast. Nothing on this is real. This is a comedy podcast. Is it Margot?

[00:53:32] Would you rather be bleph... Would you rather be blephed? Would you rather be blind or deaf? Deaf. 100%. Yeah. 100%. I agree with that. That's a no-brainer. Yeah. I'd rather be able to see than not hear shit. That's actually kind of fucking peaceful. I don't have to put up with people's shit. I mean, we couldn't really do this, could we? If we were deaf. I mean, we could. How? How are people going to listen to sign language? You know that deaf people can still talk, right? Not very well. Well, they can.

[00:54:01] You know they can still talk, right? Like, just because they're deaf doesn't mean they can't talk. Well, it's different, isn't it? There's also lip reading as well. Like, they get really good at lip reading. Yeah, but they're not going to see that on a podcast, are they? Oh no, it's fair enough. Yotta. Uh, if you could make it so that any kind of animal could talk, which animal would you pick? Penguin. Of course you would do, you fucking molesterer. I could tell her I'd love it. Yeah, Billy's got a weird obsession with penguins. I love them.

[00:54:29] If Billy had the opportunity to molest a penguin, he would. I don't know, I haven't. Well. That's why I'm banned from zoos. Well, it's not just that. Whenever he's got to go to a zoo or be near a zoo, he's got a tracker inside his stomach that fucking beeps and alerts everybody. If I ever get lost at the zoo, you know where to fucking find me. Molesting penguins. It's in the penguin aquarium. Right, donkey or Shrek? Who's your favourite? Shrek. Donkey's a little bit annoying.

[00:55:00] Debatable. Okay. What's the worst thing somebody could say to you right before you're falling asleep? What's the worst thing they could say to you? What's the worst thing someone could say to you just as you're falling asleep? I'm going to murder you. I mean, yeah. That would terrify me, yeah. Am I going to be forced to sleep? Like, I haven't got a choice.

[00:55:30] Am I either? Alright, we'll rephrase it. I'm going to rephrase it for you. What's the worst thing that your surgeon could say to you just before he's putting your own general anaesthetic? What we doing again? What? What we doing again? What do you mean? That's the phrase. I've been petrified of who I'm saying. Oh, right. Okay, sorry. That was the phrase. Right, okay. Yeah, you're back. So what we doing again? Right, okay, yeah. Or, it'd be, fucking hell, the size of that. Okay, nice. It'd be very healthy.

[00:56:01] It wouldn't be enjoyable. It would. Yeah, but if you're in that moment, you don't know whether it means fucking hell that's big or that's small. Alright. Look at the size of that small car. Let's make it very specific. Wait, it's resting it. Okay. Okay, nice. Do you know that you can have lengthening surgeries on that now? And you're not? Yeah. Really? You can, yeah.

[00:56:29] Well, I'm not surprised at what they can do with that. I think they pump like Botox in it or something or fillers in your penis. So it doesn't. I thought Botox stops it wrinkling. Yeah, but it also like, because the way that it stops your wrinkling is because it fills up your skin. Do you know what I mean? So what are they doing? I think it's Botox or fillers. See if they're one of them things. Hmm. Yeah. Got a number? Just Google it.

[00:56:58] Erm, do you prefer your birthday or Christmas day? Birthday? Prefer your birthday than Christmas? Yes. Really? It's also my anniversary. Okay, do you prefer your birthday or anniversary? Well, I can't separate them. They're on the same day. Which one would you prefer to celebrate them? I can't separate them. Actually, I'm- Celebrate them. Actually, anniversary. Oh. I'm not really a fan of celebrating my own birthday. I mean, birthdays are depressing. It's not just that. It's weird, isn't it? Do you know that- One year closer to death. No, no, no.

[00:57:28] Right, okay. So get this, right? Did you know that on your birthday, you don't actually turn that year. You've completed that year. So next year, so next year, so this year in July, I'm 29. Yeah. I'm not 29. I've finished 29. So you aim into third. So, yeah. So that's-

[00:57:57] So like you don't- So like when you turn one, you're not one, are you? You've finished one year. So you're not- So you're like one. So you've finished your first year. Yeah. So you're not turning one. So you've not been alive that many years. So I'm not turning 29. I am 29. I'm like- Do you get what I mean? Yeah, I get you. Yeah. It's weird, isn't it? You've completed 29 years of your life. Yeah. Yeah. So you're not just starting 29. You've already finished 29. Yeah. That's cool. It's weird, isn't it?

[00:58:27] Anyway. Oh, it's hotter. Oh shit. I don't even know if I've got any more left. Hang on. Let me double check. What's the most ridiculous thing you believed as a kid? Sorry, my phone's crashed. What I believed as a kid? Yep. I believed... Sorry, I did- I generally believed in the two fairies. Right, okay. Which I don't think is that ridiculous, is it really? No, not really.

[00:58:53] Erm, I definitely believed as a kid if I watched TV too long I would get square eyes. Yeah, 100%. And I also believed that carrots- Eating too many carrots would send me orange. Yep. Do you know mine for that? Most ridiculous thing that I believed as a kid? It was illegal to have the light on in your car when you were driving. Oh yeah. I mean, oh yeah. It's not illegal, by the way, for anybody wanting to know. No, it's not either. Erm, my last one then.

[00:59:20] Erm, Megan Fox or Jennifer Aniston you have to spend one night with? Who? What did you say? Megan Fox or Jennifer Aniston? Megan Fox. Fucking hell. Sorry I answered that a bit faster now. One night. Yeah. Okay. Cool. Yeah. Oh, one thing I've been thinking about. That's End It Segment. But what I've been thinking about is time travel. Right, okay. The best minds on the job, people. I figured it out. You figured time travel out. I figured it out. Right.

[00:59:51] So why I figured it out is somebody's coming back from Australia. Why Australia? Where have you got- what? No, New Zealand, sorry. What? What? No, listen, just let me play it out. Someone's coming back from New Zealand. But what? Why is New Zealand even in this? Because I'm going to tell you, right. Someone's coming back from New Zealand, right? They are flying on a Friday to get back- no, they're flying on a Saturday to get back on the Monday.

[01:00:20] I already know where you're going with this. But they return to England on the Sunday. Yeah. So by the point they set off flying, they're back to the same point. Well that's not time travel, that's just changing time zones. So if that time zone is different, so England is in front? Australia's in front. They have Christmas before us, don't they? Yeah.

[01:00:49] So they get the news channel before us. So do they not already know what's happening before we do? No, no, no. So is that not the future? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Right. We all- Right. We're in the past. No, no, no, no, no. They're in the future. No, just stop. Wait, just stop. Fuck it, I'll just stop. So you just said then, do they get the news before us? Yeah. Right. The only news that they'll get before us is the Australian news.

[01:01:19] But they won't. They'll get worldwide news, won't they? They'll get worldwide news, yeah, but the, the, you, so, I don't know how to phrase this. The fucking, so we might be in different time zones, but that doesn't mean that we all, we all now have access to information all at the same time immediately. Okay. So just because they're in a different time zone, doesn't mean that they won't know what's happening right now on the other side of the planet. So, right, let me just put it this way then. Which is not time travel.

[01:01:49] Sydney right now, in Sydney. Okay. It is 20 to 8 in the morning. Yes. Right, okay, yes. We've got a full night to get to there. Yeah, but, no, oh my god. So do they already know what happens in the night? No! No, Billy! No! No, no, no. No, right. So, like, if something happens here now, that doesn't mean that they already know about it, because this is still happening now.

[01:02:16] Time is still, oh my god, I'm not smart enough to fucking explain this. But if it happens tonight, they already know. No, they, no, no, no, no, no, Billy. Because they've already done it. No! No, Billy, no. Right, so they're in different time zones, right? Yeah. That's just the way that we conceptualise time. Yeah. So that they, because, because they're on a different side of the planet to us, that means that they get different days to us, so they have different sunlight and night time hours to us, right?

[01:02:41] That's the reason that they've got a different time zone, because geographically, we're on different sides of the Earth, right? But they're in the future. So, so, so the Earth is spinning, right, around the Sun. Yeah. Right? The Earth is on a slight tilt, right? So it's spinning. So that means that during different days, and different time of day, and different, different days throughout year, different places have different varying amounts of sunlight, right? Because it's spinning. Yeah. That's the reason that time zones exist.

[01:03:12] Yeah. Kind of. That might be wrong. That's the way that I interpret it. That's the fact, actually thinking about it, I think that is wrong. But that's why, that's the way that I gather it, I think. Because it's to do with daylight. If you really simplify it. They're not time traveling. Just because, just, just because something's happening, just because they're on the other side of the planet, and they've got a different day to us, technically they've got a different day to us, but. So they're in the future. They're not in the future. They're not. Because things still happen at the same time. Uh, sorry.

[01:03:41] This whole concept, this whole concept is like something that we've, we've made up, that they've got a different day to us. That's completely not, like it's not a thing. That's like a human invention. Yeah. Like, they're not in the future. Everything's happening all at once. So if I fly to Sydney. Oh my God. And I fly back. Have I not time traveled? No. Because I've gone in two different time zones.

[01:04:07] I've gone into tomorrow, back into yesterday, back into tomorrow, and now I'm in today. From like a human perspective, I would say yes. Kind of? I don't know how to argue with you on this. All I know is that you're wrong. Do you get my side though? I get what you're saying, but I'm not intellectually smart enough to show that you're wrong. But you're wrong. You, you, you, I don't fucking. Fucking, we can manipulate it. Okay.

[01:04:37] All right. So in, in your, in your, right. So in your argument, you can only time travel for nine hours. Is that what you're saying? Yes. We only know that at this current state of. Okay. I'm going to. Oh my God. I don't know if I can do this. This is a really bad example. I've got, I've got, well. Okay. So I'm not, I'm not going to use a specific event. We need a scientist. No, right. So the way that I'm going to disprove this now, right, listen, listen, no, no, no, no, it's a specific event, right?

[01:05:06] It was an earthquake. Is it? Stay away from it. I'm not, I'm not saying anything. If there was a significant event that was about to happen. Yeah. That was going to, it was going to be really bad for people. Australia could have stopped it. So if, in your case, Billy, why hasn't Australia stopped it? Why is it? Why haven't they told everybody else? So if there was a specific event, I'm not saying which event, if there was a specific event that was, that were going to happen, which you could technically stop.

[01:05:33] So like an earthquake, you can't really stop, but like a terrorist attack, you can stop. Yeah. So if Australia can time travel and they already knew that it happened, Billy, in your concept, why would Australia let it happen? Because they're too busy fucking sleeping. Cause it's always at the night. Do you not think people do night shifts? Yeah, but they, yeah, but. Exactly. Right. So you've got to flow this right away. Yeah. But. Why would that person not ring too far away?

[01:06:00] Do you know, do you know if I call Australia, somebody in Australia right now, you know, they'd, you know, they'd like it's instant. Yeah. Maybe, maybe there's a flaw there, but we can change that somehow. What? You want to change the flaws in your idea? Is that what you're saying? No, we can manipulate it. So it. What are you manipulating Billy? So they know what happens. Well, in your, in your theory, they would know. So. But they know tomorrow. No, they don't. Yeah. But in your case, so all right.

[01:06:28] So in a specific, in a specific event, let's say any kind of event that humans could actually stop, Australia would already know about it. So if they're time traveling, that means that they could, they could ring back, couldn't they? And then stop it. Yeah. Yeah. This is completely obscene. Like I'm just using your own logic against you. Anyway, yeah. Anyway, I don't want to talk about it. It was just a theory anyway. We need to get a scientist on this show. Okay. But I would, I would like that actually.

[01:06:58] I would actually. Do you know any? I mean, yeah, but I don't want to. Like a legit one. Yeah. No, lots. Like a real one. What's a real scientist to you Billy? Is it Bill Edmire the science guy? Yeah. Like Flubberman. Do you know what I mean? Okay. That kind of scientist. Okay. Okay. Well, to be continued. How long have we been doing this? This has been a long one, hasn't it? Over an hour. Fucking hell. Sorry people. Anyway, thanks. We hope you enjoyed the advertisements. Yeah.

[01:07:27] If it's for like fucking penis enlarging pills, me and Billy have not put in art signs or anything. Use my map 10 to get. Yeah. Bye guys. Cheers guys. Keep up.

[01:08:42] Now only at Audible. The UK's Podcast Comedy Network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit Podomity.com.