Rizz

[00:00:03] Shall we do a podcast? What would we even call it? MindMap! Ah, go on then. Welcome back to another episode of MindMap with Billy and Jack. Nobody fucking cares about that. Did you know that ancient Romans used to use piss to clean the clothes? What?

[00:00:35] So, if you leave pee in a container for a long amount of time, the urea in it breaks down and you're left with ammonia. It's very good for cleaning. So what they used to do, they used to collect everybody's pisses in houses and stuff like that. Obviously no poo-poos, just peas. A separate pot for that. And then they used to water it down and then you literally just use it like a washing machine. So there'd be somebody that has like a big bucket and a stick and they'd just wash your clothes in it.

[00:01:05] Oh my God. Resourcefulness. Yeah. But won't it smell? Well, it'll smell like ammonia. Ammonia. What's that? Erm. I don't know what fucking ammonia it is. What is it? It's like- It's what's in your pee? Piss. So it's basically, it's nitrogen. Erm. What's wrong with water? Because it doesn't actually clean things. So if you've got grease on your clothes like that, water's not getting it out as it whereas ammonia, it'll get grease off and stuff. Erm.

[00:01:34] That makes sense. So fucking piss as a detergent. Basically. Fucking you can do all sorts with it, can't you? Yeah. Like you can drink it, can't you? Erm. I don't think it's recommended but some health guru on Instagram will tell you. A pair of grills? Yeah. He says you can drink it. Yeah, but Billy, that's in a life or death situation when you're in the middle of a fucking nowhere, then yes. But- Yeah, I think I still can drink it.

[00:02:00] If you're in South Yorkshire and just, you've not been near a tap all day, I don't think it's reasonable to just- Because you've missed both. Yeah. You've missed both. To start to neck in your own piss. Actually, I would debate in between that one and a different one. So, you know when it's cold, right? And your bollocks shrink? Mm. There's an actual reason for that. So there's an optimal temperature to create sperm. All right. Right.

[00:02:26] So if it's cold, the testicles retreat inside you to keep that temperature. Oh, and if it's too hot, that's when they go really saggy. So that they're cold down. Yeah. Do you know what I've always wondered that? Like, are they just constantly working down there? Yeah, constantly. Like, are they just always like- They're always on shift. Like a convier factory, just fucking, come on boys, keep going, keep going. It's actually like a nervous thing.

[00:02:55] So you've got nerves in there. And it's checked in some kind of medical exam. I can't remember where it is. Because they can tell whether you've got like a torsion on your testicle or something like that. So if you touch, so if you touch a man's inner right thigh, his right testicle should lift. It should move. Yeah. So if you touch a man's inner left thigh- Sexually? Or just normal. Just on his thigh, his left testicle should move. No way.

[00:03:23] And if they don't, and if one of them doesn't, you've got like a torsion in your testicles. And that's how they do it? Yeah. I always wonder why they do it when you, why do they make you cough? That's for checking your prostate, I think Billy. Oh is it? That's for having a finger up your arse. I'm going to fucking see you and me next week. Why is he cupping me? Yeah. I thought they did, I thought they cupped it and coughed. Oh it might be. And they cupped you. I'm not a medical, that doesn't make sense, yeah. Cucking bottles. That doesn't make sense. I have a weekly appointment for you mate.

[00:03:55] I'm back from my weekly check up. Yeah. Yeah, I always wondered like, is it just an ongoing factory down there like- I reckon so, yeah. Yeah, but I mean it's weird isn't it to think that it's always, er, it's always happening. All the time. Do you know when I get in a hot tub? Mm-hmm. And I've been in a hot tub too long. Yeah. They fucking mine go massive. Yeah. That's big, that's for exactly what I've just said, they're too hot. So they're getting too hot. They're too hot and they're basically, oh they're all dying.

[00:04:24] So I need to ice them. Ice them. Put the bottle in the ice. Straight in a bucket of ice cold water. There you go, men's health everybody. Yeah. Also, did you know that your brain generates enough electricity to power a light bulb? Does it? Yeah. Is that why we get static thing? What? Like when you can see electricity come out of your hand. What, do you think that's coming from your brain? I don't know, is it? Are you being serious? I can't tell if you've been serious.

[00:04:50] Well yeah, I know electricity is in your brain, but I'm saying does that not come out of you? When you're like- Yeah, but you're specifically talking about like friction static aren't you? Yeah, so like if I rub my hands on carpet or something and then do that, is that not just like the gateway for my brain to use it's electricity? No! No, that's not how it works! Why? Did you ever play that PS3 game, Infamous? Yeah, yeah. Is that what your thinking's happening? Yeah.

[00:05:21] That's what I thought! No, so that electric's generated from that friction, that movement. So it's not to do with your brain. But why is it coming out of me? Well it's not coming out of you is it? I see it, like little sparks. You see sparks coming out of your fingers? Sometimes, yeah. Do you? Yeah. Like when I'm near someone, so like if I've done it and then I go to touch, I don't know, laptop, it'll fucking shh. Fucking hell, you might want to ring doctors then if you've seen that. Yeah, I'm fucking hot. I'm going to Xavier school, mate. Yeah, wow. No, but yeah.

[00:05:49] Xavier's special's call for special children. I actually thought that. Do they pick you up in a bus, pal? Yeah, first requirement, lick the window. Shall I do my joke of the week? Yes. Right, you ready? Don't look at it. Look at it. I didn't read it. Oh, did you? No. Oh, your eyes fucking said something different. Well you just got it open on, you just got it open on the table. Yeah, I can see it.

[00:06:20] It's good for you, I can't read upside down. Right. If you get it now straight away, it's obviously you've read it. What do you call a retard with a gun? I don't know. Special Forces. Nice. Anyway, how's life? How the devil are you? Great.

[00:06:45] We're filming this on a Saturday and it's been one of the best days of the year today. What, weather-wise? Weather-wise. Document it. Fucking fantastic. April, March. What weather? Because I got in my car earlier and it said 19 degrees. Although that's been in sun all day. Yeah, I'm not sure that temperature in your car. Fucking hell. It felt like 19 degrees to me. It weren't. It weren't. I took dog for a walk, I didn't have a jumper on. That's weird, it doesn't tell you the past weather. It doesn't tell you the future weather. No past weather?

[00:07:14] There's a fucking conspiracy there. It tells you the present, the future, not the past. Yeah, it's because you're looking at... Anyway, it's 10 degrees right now. 10 degrees right now at fucking 8 o'clock? Oh, wait, no, I'm lying. The highest it's been today is 15. 15? So I went far off when I said 19. 4 degrees, Mike. It's not that much. No, no, no. But yeah, no, it's been nice, hasn't it? Fucking getting summer vibes ready. Yeah. Doing some gardening.

[00:07:42] Yeah, I haven't done any gardening. Milo has, he's dug me a no fucking hole. Clearing some shrubbery. Yeah. Why have you... Is that what you've been doing? Put a starter down there. Fucking starter. The list started. Can you just put all these conifers in the bin? Can you just fucking do that? Can you cook that? You know what I mean? And I wish it were raining. I feel sorry for our loss. She's not been able to experience any of it today. She's been upset, dying, she's ill. Aww.

[00:08:13] Yeah, so yeah, lovely. Very nice. Yeah, yeah. What else? No, that's it, I'm good. That's it. I'm done. That's all you can talk about is the weather. I've had a pretty chill week. Nothing's happened. I've had a few mental breakdowns, but that's just a weekly occurrence. Yeah. So that's fine. That's about it, I think. What's happened to you? Anyway, mate, let's get on with me. I've been out, mate. I've been travelling. Have you? I've been off into Portugal. Yeah. Nice. With your boyfriend.

[00:08:43] With my other boyfriend. Yeah. Very nice. Weather was shit. Not like here? No. It rained. Went for three days, rained for two of them. See, we've made a deal that if Portugal have Billy for a few days, we get Portugal's weather. We get the sun. But, you'll be proud of me, I went and soaked in some, what's the word? I don't know what. Culture. Historical culture. Okay. Yeah. Is that the right thing? It could be, yeah.

[00:09:13] It depends what you did when you were doing it. Yeah. So, went to Farrow, if anybody. Are you saying that right? Farrow. Okay. I don't know. I've not been there. Farrow. F-A-R-O. Okay. Farrow. Yeah. So, anyway, there's this chapel here. It's got like, bones in it. Hmm. And... Most chapels have bones in them. No, but... Right, what did you say now?

[00:09:39] So, it was a chapel of the monks that had died. Okay. In the town. Okay. And they, what they used to do is chop them up, take all the bones out. Chop them up? Yeah. To get rid of them. Skin them and all that. To get rid of all organs. Put them aside. Chuck them in the bin. Right. And then they just put the bones into the wall. Okay. And the ceiling. Yeah. And all you'd see is the skull poking out. Right.

[00:10:08] So, you went into this room, this like room. It was kind of a big chapel. You went into this one room and all sorts of ceiling and walls were just bones and skeletons. Right. It was pretty cool. What's this place called? Chapel of Bones. Is that what it's actually called? Yeah, it's actually called. All right. Okay. Chapel of Bones. Yeah. Very cool. Apparently there's a few of them. There's a few of them? Not in like, there's like one in here. One here. What happened when fucking like age gap just starts increasing and they need bones?

[00:10:36] They're just going to start like round killing people or something. Are you a monk? Yeah. Healed up. Yeah. There were a few missing. So, you know. They fell out. I think they must have fell out or decayed. It's nice. Is it scary? Obviously the guy I went with had to put his finger in one of the fucking eye holes didn't it? Well that's the sort of person he is. Yeah. Just a little bit crazy. Because they're there to like touch. Yeah. Well, they're there to be seen not really to have be touched. Well they didn't make much effort for you not to touch them. Didn't they?

[00:11:06] No. Right. Okay. It would just be seen as a common sign of respect not to put your finger in somebody's once eye hole. A monk. Or nose hole. Yeah. A long living monk who would have worst dipped his life and he's just there fingering his fucking eyes. And then he's just got some bloke from Rotherham finger in his eye socket. Yeah. What a great time. We paid two euro for the privileges. Yeah. I'm sure that bloke's fucking soul's lovely. So, obviously it was big, what is it? Catholic I think. I want to say. What?

[00:11:36] Like the church. The Christian. Is it? I don't know. So the religion is Christianity but the domination is like different. Where did you go? Faro. Portugal. I'm not saying this to offend anyone because I actually don't know what religion it is. It there. Well, from the pictures that you showed me it was definitely Christian. It's just I don't know what domination it is. So the. What do you mean domination? So that. I don't know if I'm saying that correctly. So Christianity is like Christianity. Yeah. But there's like different.

[00:12:05] There's like different. So you've got Catholics. Yeah. Anglicans. Protestants. Protestants. All that lot. But they all believe in Christianity. So just. They just believe it's slightly different. Most of the main things. So it's like South Yorkshire. It's Christianity. And then you've got like Barnsley. Which is like Protestant. Then you've got. Then you've got like Orthodox and stuff like that. So. So. It would be a Christianity. I just don't know what. What denomination. So. But there were a lot of Jesus about anyway. Jesus were everywhere.

[00:12:35] Yeah. Er. I think. I incidentally. That's a one laugh. Because I walking around. And you know. You saw these people. You saw Jesus. Fucking hell Billy. Came to me. And I look in. I'm thinking. You never see a photo of Jesus smiling. A photo for a start. Or that statement. Well or a portrait. Or a. I don't know. Fucking oil painting. Yeah. Or him smiling or. I'm sure. I'm sure there is. I mean. Obviously on the cross.

[00:13:05] I know he wouldn't be smiling. Yeah. I'm going to say. But. Like everywhere else. Even when he wrote that dinner party. There's no smile. He's not even smiling. Well that was the last supper. Before he knew he was going to be. He's going to die as well. Did he? Yes. Oh he didn't know that. Yes. What he knew. That he was going to get killed the day after. Yes. And he also knew that Judas. Was going to be betrayed. Oh. Oh right. That's probably why he wasn't smiling. Yeah. He was like. Ha. And someone went. Oh quick get fucking painting that. Because the story is.

[00:13:34] He sits at this table and he says. One of you will betray me. But they already had them. Well. He'd not done it yet I don't think. Oh. I'm not. I'm not a scholar either. So if I've got that wrong I apologise. Yeah. Well I just thought it was weird why I never saw one smile. Right. I'm going to Google that because I don't believe that. What the inner photo of Jesus smiling. I'm going to. I'm going to see. Have you seen it. It's on different churches as well. It's some church. It's just.

[00:14:02] That could just be completely unique to an individual church. Not like a denomination. Um. But they've got like different versions of Jesus. What they look. What they look like. Right. And I've seen a picture once. It was this. It was. I think it was in Asia. It was on an Asian church. Right. And there was Jesus on the cross. Right. And he looked like he's been taking tests for about fucking three years. I'm a bit tired. He'd got a 12 pack. He were. He were. Honestly. He looked like he'd been working out and fucking. What's it called?

[00:14:31] That beach in California. He looked fucking jacked. Oh Jesus. Yeah. You're going to. You're going to see it there. But bear in mind if you Google that now someone's going to have used AI or something and there's going to be a picture of probably Jesus smoking weed as well. They're all. Yeah. They're all. They're also might be. Well I mean there's not. They're all pictures. Like. I mean they're all drawings. So it's like. Do you know what I mean? But it's a drawing of a drawing isn't it? Mm hmm.

[00:15:02] That's what it is. But yeah. I mean there's loads here. Let's have a look. I'll try and get famous paintings that might narrow it down. Because you're just thinking about old paintings aren't you? Is that what you like. What I saw in the church. Yeah. Okay. Chapel. Church. Let's have a look. Let's see through them. There's gotta be one.

[00:15:32] Hmm. Struggling? No I'm just trying to. I'm trying to get through the ones that are obviously AI. Yeah. Some of them. But with massive ganja in his garb and sun is on. Some of them are just funny. Like that one. Like. Some of them are just funny because. Yeah. Have you actually googled Jesus smiling? I've put famous Jesus painting smiling. And. You're not. See I'm telling you you're not. Yeah. Because I'm not getting the famous ones up. Yeah.

[00:16:02] Er. But a bit later on. Well. If you. I'll have to have a look. See if I can find one later. People didn't used to smile for pictures did they? Er. No. I don't know why. No. It's weird innit. Like when people. So you'd have like a family painting won't you? Is it like a portrait or something like that? And no one smiled. You'd have sort of like all family. Like bloke would be sat in chair wouldn't he? And then he'd have like kids around him. And then his woman stood behind him and stuff. And yeah. They'd all have like normal faces wouldn't they? And they'd have a massive one. They'd have like you're rich. They'd have a massive one.

[00:16:32] And you'd think. That's not really inviting to come into house. Yeah. Er. Yeah it's weird innit. So anyway. That was the day. Right. Got me. Got me culture fix. Did you do anything other than that? Or is that it? Er. During the day. I went quad biking. I want to know about the food. What did you eat? Did you eat any traditional food? No. Standard British mate. Chips, burger, pizza. You fucking wanker. Excuse me love. Do you do kebabs?

[00:17:02] I can't even tell you what the delicacy is to be fair. I don't know if I think it's paella. I don't know. That's Spanish I think. But I should imagine that it was in Portugal as well. It was very fishy anyway. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of people having a lot of fish dishes. Well it's mostly coastline innit? Portugal. Yeah. Yeah. So. Er. Yeah. So then day, that, boom. Night. The night time. So obviously we're in Faroe. Next to it is a little place called Albuferia. Albuferia.

[00:17:32] Albuferia. Albuferia. Albuferia. And. What's it called? Albuferia. And. That is probably a known place for like stags. Yeah. Hens. I've never been brand new it's a place where they go. Yeah. So I think on another episode you know how we were telling you about you know when I you're fucking old and all that kind of shit. Yeah. Same kind of thing there. Is it? Yeah. Because I would have thought if there's like stagging endos. Is that where you went at? Yeah. Because I would have thought if there's like loads of stagging endos. Well yeah.

[00:18:02] To be fair. You wouldn't feel old. Well no. So being in the place you didn't feel old because there was a very mixed bag of age. Right. Did you just go to all bars and clubs where all young people were? No. So like the main bit. The new bit. Like I said they were mixed bag of people. Yeah. It's more than what I felt after. You know the pain of the hangover. Yeah. That kind of thing. So obviously on the Friday. Boom. Went out. Fucking hell mate. They do some mad stuff now compared to what we like used to do. What?

[00:18:32] The kids? No. Everybody. So there's like this new thing. There's new craze. There's two in them actually. I can't remember what it's called but I'll describe it to you. So you have a shot but they put you like an army helmet on. Yeah. I already know where this is going. Next minute. Baseball bat. Take your shot. Baseball bat. Straight over head. Yeah. Smashes you on the head. Not like a bit of a concussion with your drink. Right. Next shot. Boom. Shovel. Shovel comes out. Bang. Bang.

[00:19:02] Bang. Straight on head. Another shot. Shot. Down it. Gone. Glass. Bottle. Smash straight over head. Okay. Another shot. Keg. A fucking keg. What the fuck? A guy from behind Paul's keg art. Smashes it on your head. What you saw this? Yeah yeah. Fucking hell. I think I've got a video of it actually. That's ridiculous. What? Why? Why do you want that? I'll show it you. Why is that fun? I know.

[00:19:29] And then the next one was, it's called a slap shot. Which is probably quite self explanatory. So. Guy, whoever wants to do this shot. You've got to stand with your hands behind your back. Yeah. Eh. The barman, barmaid, whatever. Is on, sat on the bar. Feed you a shot. Yeah. Gives you the biggest fucking air maker. Yeah. Straight across face. And you would have survived four of them. Yeah. And then obviously everybody cheers if you do it. There's a version of that that I saw on. I thought I were in fucking Russia Jack.

[00:20:00] There's a version of that on Instagram that I saw that it's called. The, I think it was called tornado or something like that. And it basically a barmaid, uh, basically put your shot in her mouth, swirl it around her mouth, spit it in your mouth, throw a glass of water in your face and slap you twice. Fuck. Like what, what happened just doing classic. Yeah. Oh, boom, darn. Where's that gone? There. I always thought we were throwing mix art a bit when you used to have your fight, you used to have your shot set on fire. I thought fucking hell. Yeah. This is, this is, this is pushing boats out a bit.

[00:20:29] Or like a spinning drink. Yeah. That would, but nah, yeah, they start fucking. No. Just full blown concussion and brain damage while you're having a shot. Start assaulting people while you get shot. I'm sorry mother that went on and lads all of them have come back with a permanent fucking brain damage. Fucking eyes popped out. Yeah. Yeah. So mad that. I think it's tick tock generation. It is, isn't it? From the. Just completely rushed. A bit of a side note then. Tick tock. Let's say.

[00:20:58] Just been to like big shopping center people from Sheffield. You'll know. On South Yorkshire. Meadowall. Yeah. Yeah. We had to go to Marks and Spencer's. Right. Yeah. Because the missus has seen something on tick tock. Oh God. Some kind of pistachio. Pistachio cream. Yeah. There you go. I just like it because it's pistachio. I ain't got it yet but I do want to get some. So we had to fucking hunt the entire shop. Surprisingly. Gone. Gone left. Yeah. It's because it's gone viral.

[00:21:28] Exactly. Do you know what as well on that talk about pistachio cream. I went to my local Lidl other day. Yeah. Big surprise. My little shopper. It's fantastic. Free pastry after I spend a tenner. Absolutely. I walked in. It was like a Monday morning. And I walked in. And the flavour of the week was Italian or something like that. And I walked in and I thought fucking hell. They'd just put all these hazelnut creams out and pistachio creams.

[00:21:57] And I knew for a fact. I didn't even. I've not seen it anyway. But I knew for a fact that that'll have gone viral on like a Facebook fucking best buys or some shit like that. So I picked up two jars of each. Because I went first one there. Knowing about it. I should have picked up more. Because fucking. I went back three days later. I thought oh nice that. I'll get some more of that. And all completely gone. Just all gone. And they were fucking shit loads. It's mad. It's mad. It can just brainwash you that quick. Yeah. That's it. You have to go and buy it.

[00:22:27] It's not even that nice. No. It's just fucking. It's just a different flavour nutella. I tell you what. Another thing I've tried. What. I've actually had this. Didn't rate it. And everyone bangs on about it. Dubai chocolate. What's that? So another. I don't even know what this is. Very expensive chocolate. Is it just chocolate from Dubai? Well yeah. Dubai chocolate yeah. Well I doubt it. I doubt it would be fucking grown there for a start. Well yes. Because. It has camel's milk in it. So it's camel's milk. Chocolate. Right.

[00:22:57] With pistachio in it. Right. Well what about the cacao? Well I suppose we don't. The cacao. That's what chocolate is. So fucking cacao. What? Cocoa? No. Cacao. What's that? Milk. Do you know what chocolate actually is? Milk and cocoa powder. What's the cocoa powder? Where do you. Do you think cocoa powder just grows out of ground? I don't know. Fuck that. It's cacao. Oh right. Is that bad or something? I think it's a nut. I think it's a nut.

[00:23:27] Is that bad in Dubai isn't it? No. It grows. You can only grow it in certain places I think. I doubt you could grow it in Dubai. It's a fucking desert. Well anyway. It might not be. It might be. It's called Dubai chocolate anyway. Carry on. Camel's milk. Everyone goes mad about it. It's like 25 quid of chocolate. Okay. Or. Just because it's got camel's milk in it. Well. That. That. Supposed to be the. You know. Makes the taste. Okay. I didn't buy it by the way. I just fucking. My mother got some. Alright. Okay.

[00:23:57] Err. Ranked mate. Horrible. Okay. Horrible mate. Get me a dairy milk. All nut. Every day. But to be fair to you. I don't think. Do you like bitter taste? Is it bitter? Yeah. Right. I like it. I don't fucking repackage it out. Well you need to start doing that. For the start. I'm wondering if it's bitter. Would it dark chocolate? No. No it's milk chocolate. So it's milk chocolate. Right. I don't know milk chocolate. How much sugar is in each one? Because I bet.

[00:24:25] Aren't dairy milk got a lot of sugar in it? It probably would. So what you taste in the sweetness from dairy milk is like the sugar. But I don't mind dark chocolate. Okay. Remember Bormville. I don't even know if that was still kicking about man. That was fucking nice. You're still knocking about pal. See the thing is I never bit it. I always sucked it. That's what she said. That's what she said. And going back to the camel milk. Do you know that you can just get like a camel milk drink from Asda? And it's like three quid I think. Two quid. Yeah. So you could make your own.

[00:24:53] You could make your own South Yorkshire knockoff to buy chocolate and the camel milk. It fucking blows my mind how many things and objects and animals we can milk. Yeah. Nuts. Nuts. And even got a boob we can milk it. Fucking no nipple on a nut. But we've got milk from it. Yeah. Like where does it end? No. Oats. Oat milk. What? Yeah I don't get it. Do you know that a camel hump also is classed as a delicacy? What to eat? Yes. I thought they were not in it. It's just fat.

[00:25:23] I watched somebody the other day. I thought it was water. Well that's what it is. So it's all like fatty water in that hump. And they cooked it and it's like a delicacy. They were eating it. But this is how much like fat and liquid it is. He put his hands on top of the hump and he just dragged it through and it all like fell to pieces. Because it's just all fat. But yeah they were all just eating it. Weird isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. But yeah. I don't know what I was originally on about this. So you could make your own Dubai chocolate. Go get some of that camel's milk from Asda.

[00:25:53] It's only like three quid. Get that cacao. Get some cacao powder. Cacao. You can buy a proper cacao powder from Costco. Yeah. Make your own chocolate. Easy. Sell it at Boozer. York's chocolate? Yeah. Boom. Don't say that. Say it's Dubai chocolate. Yeah Dubai chocolate. Made in in small brackets. Made in Yorkshire. Made in Billy's kitchen. Like. Do you know what I'm saying? Do you know? No health and safety regulations followed. Yeah. Eating at own risk. Have you eh. Do you know Madre?

[00:26:23] The beer? Yeah. I already know what you're going to tell me. Go on. It's made in fucking England. What? The biggest Spanish logoed beer. Yeah. Well I actually thought it were made in like a Scandinavian country. Not not. Madre? Yeah. It's fucking Spanish all over isn't it? It's owned by Heineken I think. Well it's brewed in Coventry. Is it really? Yeah. It's brewed in Coventry. Get this Spanish beer over here. Yeah. To be fair.

[00:26:51] If they brew it slightly differently and that's a Spanish way of doing it then yeah fair enough. What? Brew it in England? Yeah. But I don't. But no but I'm saying if there's a different technique. If they brew it in a different technique then technically it could still be Spanish beer but I don't think they do. I think they just make a beer and just call it Spanish beer and then just still sell it here. Yeah. I. The Spanish name on it just makes you go for it anyway don't it? Like I'll fall for it or me that. What's that new one? Well it's not new but. Cruz de Campo. Cruz de Campo? Cruz Campo. Is that owned by Tom Cruise?

[00:27:22] Seville beer. Boom. Yeah. Did you know that Snoop Dogg's got his own wine? Sure. Now weed form I'd have understood. Well I think he's got one of those also. But he started selling his own wine. I think it's called Cali wine or something like that. No that's Cali weed. Is that Cali weed? I can't remember what it's called. He's got his own wine. Yeah. I think it's rosé. Rosé wine. Love a good rosé. I can't imagine him sipping on that could you? Neither could I. I can't imagine him sipping any wine to be honest. Doesn't seem like a wine drinker.

[00:27:52] It's very sophisticated you know. In the evenings. Let's have a look. Snoop Dogg wine. Oh it's Cali. It's called Cali by Snoop. Cali Red. Red wine. I think he does rosé as well. But it's got a picture of Snoop Dogg on front of it. Fucking hell. He only sells it for 12 quid. Cheek bastard isn't he? He's probably got his own vineyard. Yeah look. Snoop Dogg wine. I've not actually tried it so it probably just tastes like fucking soap powder or something. I've not tried it. Nice.

[00:28:25] Yeah. Sorry I'm just reading that. I got distracted. Yeah I got distracted. Erm. So other than that did you enjoy yourself? Yeah yeah. What was this about the quad biking? Oh fucking disaster mate. Right. I've got a bit of an issue with this. So. And you probably know the answer. Obviously but quad biking wanted to go off road. Quad biking. Yeah. Yeah. All you need is your driving license. Yeah. Yeah. Gets to the thing.

[00:28:55] To the quad place. Passes in my license. He goes no you can't. You can't do it. Why? What's up? Your license has expired. All right. All right. Better than I fucking didn't realize they could expire. Mm hmm. By about two months. Nope. You can't do it. You're not allowed to drive. Mm hmm. All right. Bear in mind anyone who was going to dog me in now it has been renewed. Erm. So you can't. But I can legally drive. Yep. So why?

[00:29:25] Why? I can legally drive. I legally can drive. Maybe they have to have their own insurance and if you've got a not got driving license that insurance is void. No. Do you not think that? Have you seen how the mad bastards drive over there? I've got me like I can still I'm legally allowed to drive a car. So why? You are but your driving license is out of there. So you'd be you'd be completely void by insurance. But then. Because if you fall off and you break your neck. So. And they need to sort insurance out and they're like oh wait. Well.

[00:29:54] His thing's not run out. That's completely on you. So. He did hit me with quite a fucking golden bullet here. What had to shut me down straight away. So he were like. So can you come to this country with an expired passport? I'm like. No. He went but you're still English though aren't you? I'm like fuck. He's got me. Yeah. So. Anyway. Lost my money. Had to sit on the back of my mate. While we went off roading. What had you already prepaid for it as well? Yeah.

[00:30:23] Did they not give you money back? No. It's like little disclaimer. It's up to you to provide documentation. That is valid. So. You shouldn't be such a fucking idiot should you? Unless you're not checking data on your driving license. I didn't think they were going to go that. I just thought they'd go. Yep. Yep. No. It's keys. Off you go. So. Well. That was his point. Do you know what?

[00:30:44] I mean.

[00:31:22] Fucking. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So. And we said, oh yeah, because you can't take it in turns, can you? No, no. So you were just clinging on for dear life, holding on to your friend's boobs. Well, you've got little handles. Right, okay. And to be fair, they are quite spacious. With the handles his thighs? Yeah. Well, he actually said to me,

[00:31:52] he went, just slide your arms under me. And take the wheels. What, is he just going to pretend he's holding on? They'll never know. I'm like, oh no, I'll put my fucking arms in your sleeves and that. Yeah, nice. But yeah, no, it was mint. So that happened. And then there was another one I forgot to tell you. I got fucking robbed on my own. You got robbed? By Ryanair. Oh, right, okay. Fucking hell. Fucking Ryanair. You're a fucking idiot.

[00:32:19] So me, obviously, a bit like when we went to Germany, you got the under-seat bag, that's it. Yeah. Yeah. Going, fine. I took an extra backpack with me. Right. Just like a normal rucksack. Yeah. And me, and me. The little under-the-seat bag. Yeah. That's different. Yeah. We flew a jet too, going. Ah, cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's boarding pass. Boom, tick. See you later. Me's laughing. I fucking told you they wouldn't check. Aren't we home? It's Ryanair. Yeah.

[00:32:49] They basically have a fucking, their own security quarters. Yeah. Walks down. The minute I walked down, she'd fucking clocked me anyway, with his backpack on. Two bags. Yeah. She goes, excuse me. I'm there. Like, yeah, cheers. See you later. Trying to run off. She went, kind of. And how I did it and all was that I kind of put my other bag, because it had a strap, on top of my backpack. Right. So it looked as though, you know. She went, all right, take it off. What?

[00:33:19] Take it off. Take. Took it off. You got two bags. I'm like, right. She went, so what are you going to do? I'm like, what can I do? Got you off a fucking barrel, haven't you? Yeah. I'm like, she says, well, you can either lose bag, or you're going to pay me 60 euro now. I'm like, why? Fucking wanker. You've got two bags. So I said, right. And me again, trying to do my argument.

[00:33:49] I said, but right. If I was a woman, and I have my bag, and I have my handbag, I'm allowed off. Which I saw it previous. Yeah. You can just go straight through. Yeah, no, don't worry about it. What's different? Yeah. What, you saw somebody beforehand going on with your handbag in a bag? Yeah. Yeah, all right, then that's fair enough. Yeah. Not even like a fucking little fucking, one of them stupid bags that are not even designed to be a bag. Yeah.

[00:34:17] Like a full on Michael Carr's fucking suitcase. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's my handbag. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. Get through. To be fair, do you know that she's not paid for like extras? Yeah, because we're all in the same bastard queue. Oh, okay. Fair enough. Because we get segregated to the cheap bastard side. Fucking cheap bastards. These are the fucking cheapos. Yeah. And then you've got priority. Yeah. Oh, yeah, you get cabin, luggage, and all sorts. 60 euro on, don't they? I could have died. If you knew it was one bag, why did you risk it?

[00:34:47] Because I was. Why did you risk it? I was feeling confident. Okay, so it's your own fault anyway. And I was super confident when I got through. If I'd have got, if I'd have obviously had to pay it when I got there, then yeah, I'd have been like, hey, I'm ditching this fucking bag. But, because I got through, happy smiley. But even still, you knew it was Ryanair coming back, and Ryanair are renowned for being absolute fucking bastards. Yeah. I've seen Ryanair fuck about with somebody that's got their own bag, and just because it didn't

[00:35:14] fit in properly, they won't let him on with the fucking bag. They're fucking wankers. But why? And then, why? So I paid me 60 quid, all she does is put a yellow fucking tag on it, off you go. Yeah. What difference have I made to play? Yeah. Apart from your 60 quid richer. Yeah. So, yeah. Controversial opinion. What? They want you to pay 60 quid for that bag, because it's extra weight. They don't get fucking scales out of me.

[00:35:43] People stand on fucking scales, so you're not playing, do they? No, they don't. All right, I can be there, 10 stone, and then fucking Jeffrey over there can get up playing when he weighs fucking 25 stone. I will consider in doing the, have you seen them where they're like just strip bag art and just fucking chuck all clothes on. Yeah. I will consider in that, but I thought I'm not going to be that guy today. Yeah. I would have done a bit of a cheap arse. So, yeah, 60. I don't even think they've even took it out yet, so I'm hoping she's put fucking wrong card details. Change your bank details. I know, yeah. Can I cancel it?

[00:36:12] Cancel the card. Change your bank details. I'll fucking show Ryanair. Just change your bank just to spite them. To be fair, they'll never let you fly with Ryanair again, probably. No, I'll go for it. Banlist. To be fair, what can you expect if you're going like fucking 20 quid flights? I was going to say it costs 30 quid to fly with you. But, yeah. Light keeps changing. It's sending me doolally. I don't know. Why is he doing that? I think we might have a spiritual third guest. There's a mouse in loft, chewing wire.

[00:36:43] Well, yeah. So, yeah, that's me. That's my story of Portugal. Nice. You were just a traveller? That's it, mate. Influencer. I'll go out, mate. I'll see it all. Did you even try and learn any Portuguese? Hola. Right. Oh, no. What the fuck does the same thank you? Because hola is Spanish for hello, is it not? Yeah, same in Portugal. Right, okay.

[00:37:13] Baganera. Baganera. Bangana. Is this you asking for a baguette? No, this is thank you. Benaga. Because it's kind of just... Fuck, I'm going to have to look it up now. Just very bare minimum, it's like, please, thank you. Yeah. Hello. And I did, yeah. What's thank you in fucking Portuguese? But it's big and agorist. I bet you said it like a right fucking wanker and all. Like a proper Brit, man. Yeah. That's why I said it. What's thank you in... Benaga. Hola.

[00:37:44] It's best when you say numbers to them and they obviously know the fucking numbers. One. Look. One. Yeah. And do you know what makes it even more funny? We think that they'll understand if we say it louder and slower and mime it. Do you know where the toilet is? And then you treat them as though they're deaf, don't you? Yeah.

[00:38:14] And start doing sign language. Like it's their fucking folks that can't speak English. Cock. Ow. Wee. Oh, what's it? Wait. Let me see. Look, tell me. Thank you. What language have I fucking put in here? Umbergado. Wait. Just hold that up to the microphone and let them say it and I'll let you say it. Umbergado. Umbergado.

[00:38:45] Umbergado. And again? Umbergado. Umbergado. I'm surprised they didn't slap you. Well, I'm trying. At least I tried. Yeah. Umbergado. Could have been like, yeah, cheers pal. Thanks mate. Top man. Cheers boss man. Yeah. See you later, Shagga. See you later, Shagga. Yeah. So at least I did try. I didn't learn fuck all else. Like. And that's thank you. That's thank you. What, uh, so what were it like, uh, please?

[00:39:14] Did you not learn that one either? No, I think it was safe. So you never said please the whole time you were there? I think I said it in the English. Okay. I mean, a lot of them did speak English to be fair. Yeah. There's only us lazy bastards who can't be bothered to learn their fucking language. Well, a lot of them will learn English at school. Yeah. I think they did, yeah. Like I said, there were a lot. What was surprising and all, there were quite a few Brazilians. Were they? Hmm.

[00:39:43] What, they lived there? Yeah. It's like a couple of taxi drivers we had. Um, were Brazilian. Brazilians. Oh. So we're talking to them. In, uh, in my language. Well, what language do they speak in Brazil? Portuguese. Is that, is that why? Ah, okay, nice. I don't know if that's why. Literally, one, one. Well, if you, if you think if that's your native language, it's easier to move to somewhere where you don't have to learn a new language. Well, I was going to say this before, we've done a full episode of my Portuguese experience.

[00:40:12] Um, there was one Brazilian taxi driver, obviously talking to him in that common thing, football, talks about that. Um, and I don't, he says about, um, he says about women. And I said, oh, what's, what's party? I know that's how I got on. I'm like, what's, what's life? What's party life like in Brazil? He went, Brazil, 30 women to men, to one man. Okay. But you get shot.

[00:40:41] Party girl, one, uh, 30 man to one girl. I'm like, right. But you don't get shot. But you don't get shot. So you're like, so basically if you want to go and get laid, go to Brazil, but you've also got to fucking risk your life at the same time. Yeah. Well, it's all fucking, it's dangerous in Brazil. Oh yeah. He said, that's why he said he moved. I'm like, well, right. Have you ever seen, I've, I've watched a documentary on it and it were like a police force trying to get favelas in check.

[00:41:09] Cause then favelas, uh, in Brazil, they're like a completely different, like, part of, uh, city. Do you know what I mean? Like they've got their own functioning stuff. But all the gangs have, have got them all. So the police have to go in, if they want to get somebody, police have got to go in with like all tanks and shit basically. Yeah. It's dangerous as fuck. So anyway, apart now I'm done with me, me, me Portugal story. Complete, somewhat different. I saw, um, like an article.

[00:41:39] I'm not going to make it sound posh. I saw a fucking Tik TOK. It wasn't an article. Okay. I was going to say it was an article, but it was based off an article. Okay. So apparently. Are you sure it went AI? No, no, no. Because I feel like you, you can fall for AI videos pretty easy. Oh yeah, I'd fall for all of me. Yeah. Yeah. I think like, fuck it. You've sent me a few videos as well on Instagram that were definitely AI. So this way, it were a person and they had like a green screen behind them. So yeah.

[00:42:07] Anyway, there's been a, there was a study done and it was around genetics and shit like that. Okay. And this study was to determine what month is to be, basically what month to be born in produces the best good looking people. Right. Okay. So they basically, I don't know how they did it, but they've obviously, they've got a list.

[00:42:35] So from 12, you're fuck ugly. One, you know, you're supposed to be really good looking because you were born in that month. Right. Yeah. Obviously there's probably other factors into that. Well, I just want to point out before anybody even says anything, before you even continue that I'm just going to guess that you're pretty high up on this list and this is why you wanted to bring it up. No. Are you, are you like top three? No. Okay. Right. Would you want me to start? I'll start from worst. Yeah. Right.

[00:43:03] In fact, I'll let you, I'll let you guess what you think the ugliest people are. Why do you think the ugliest people are born in that, in what, what, what month are the ugliest people born in? I don't know. Cause I have shit with people. It's based off people you know. This is what I mean. I'm shit with, I'm shit with months and I can't remember who was born in which month. It's based off people you know. Fuck it. September. No. One more try and then I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll give you an answer. December. No.

[00:43:34] June. Thank fuck for that. June. Yeah. So, sorry people in June, you're fuck uglier, apparently. Right. Is this, is this like legit or is this just a list that somebody's done like a fucking burn book from Mean Girls? No, it's from a study. It's some fucking Oxford or something. Done, done this study. Study from Oxford. What is it? It's from some fucking teenager in Oxford that's just thought, do you know what, I'm just going to do this. Hot people I know in June. Fuck you. So, so yeah, June, you're ugly. Sorry, June people. Right. If you want to prove it, send us a photo.

[00:44:04] Right. That you're not ugly. I know for a fact before, because you've brought this up and you, I can see that you've saved it on your phone and everything, but you're, you're quite eye up on this. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. Right. 11. Who do you think? Go on, just go. Right. 11. July. Sass. Is this another reason why you brought it up? Because I'm fucking second to last. Bastard. Sass. 10. May. Okay. 9. January. Okay.

[00:44:34] 8 and 7 was a tie, apparently. November and October. Okay. 6. March. Yeah. 5th. September. 4th. December. Right. 3rd. February. I'll take that. I'll ask this as February. So you've got your top two here. I think she's more good looking than you though. This is the entire reason that you've saved this because you're number one, aren't you? You fucking wanker. 2nd. August. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:45:03] I fucking called it straight away. April. You know what I mean? There's no way you're saving something like that if you're not at the top. You fucking wanker. All the time I fell for these studies. I like it. You're alright. She's onto something here. I don't even need to check if this is real. She's onto something. I believe it. I believe it. I am better than everybody else. I am fucking... I am God. Fucking hell. Yeah. Right.

[00:45:32] So there you go. I'll show you a video later so you believe me. Okay. I just made it up. Right. This is how bad he wanted to say this. He's even copied it and put his written down on his notes. I kept having to pause video because I can't forget it. You fucking... What she said. I'm like, shit. What was that month? So yeah. Right. So April, mate. Nice. Yeah. Dunno. Isn't that like Jesus' birthday and alls? Well... In April.

[00:46:02] Easter. Oh no shit. No, it's not his birthday. Are we looking on... It's time for the segment, bro. Pal. Oh, I just went gangsta on you. Yeah. Because I'm all hyped up because I'm best looking. I think we'll... Oh, okay. Ready for the song? Yes. Ready? Segment time. Segment time. It is segment time. Yeah. I never understand why I have to close my eyes for that. No, same. It's like fucking three words. Same. It's like I vision the words. Yeah.

[00:46:30] Speaking of fucking good looks, I'm sorry at being good looking, but you've got to be able to put it into use, haven't you? I can't believe that sentence has just come out of your mouth. So, today's segment, and what the kids call it today, is the best riz. Best riz? Best riz. Okay. So, basically a fucking child life. Yep. But known today, they call it riz. I don't think... Well, back in my generation, we were scared to talk to women. So, we didn't have riz.

[00:47:00] We had MSN. Do you know what I mean? We just did it behind fucking closed doors. Yeah. If you went up and spoke to women, you had to have a mental assessment after because some of it weren't right with you. Yeah. So, I mean, I'm not keen on the name riz. Are you? Riz. Riz. Riz. Riz. Like, when you see, like, Love Island and that now. Got bear riz in it. And they're like, you see these 30 fucking year olds going up and saying, oh, check out my riz.

[00:47:28] Do you not think it's embarrassing when there's, like, fucking 30 year olds on Love Island and stuff? Like, what are you doing? Well, it's not for the love part, is it? Let's be honest. Yeah, but it's not about that, is it? It's about getting a fucking boo-hoo man deal in it. That's what I mean. That's all it's about. He wants to be next ambassador, a fucking pretty little thing. That's all he's got. Exactly. It's not about fucking love, is it? If it were about love, it'd go on like some old fucking... Do you know what I think they should do? Is fucking get Love Island, but get everybody from fucking who were born in June. Yeah. All ugly people.

[00:47:59] Stick them in an island. I bet it'd be more entertaining. Do you know what I want? I want a Love Island that's got real people in it and not fucking social media influencers. Exactly. They're already perfect. There's no Dave over there that's not going to like this fucking six pack. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like, why? Get a few dad bods on there. Yeah. What's fucking up with you? Get real people on there that've got actual genuine funny stuff to talk about. Not the fucking just social media shit. Shall we make it? Shall we make a show? I don't know. Go on. No, not go on. Make it. We'll make it. I will be presenter.

[00:48:28] We'll be the next Maya... Jammer. Jammer. Maya Jammer. Maya Jammer. We'll be next Maya Jammer. We'll be... Ant and Deck! Are these... Ant and Deck at Love Shows? Love... We'll name it different for copyright reasons. What's it called? Love Island. We'll call it the real Love Island. We'll do an Aldi or not. Yeah. Aldi version of it. Yeah. We'll call it Love Island, but better. Yeah. So, let's get this Riz on.

[00:48:58] Oh, fuck. I think I've lost the webpage. Wait, I found all my best Riz. Oh, no. Best Riz? Best Riz. Right. Who's... How many are we doing in the Mark 10? Whatever you many want, because my Riz has been designed by my best bro, AI. All right. I've not done it. It's not off a website either. No, I... Like I said... I've just asked AI to give me completely filthy chat lines. Filthy! I'd be fucking terrified, me, if I had to use any of this.

[00:49:28] Right, okay. Right, ready? Pop rock, paper, scissors, or goes first. Three, two, one, go! Oh, you rocked me. Oh, you old bitch. One sec. There's a Riz starting now. One second. Are you a tornado? Because I want to get inside your neck or mess. See, would that actually work? No, never.

[00:49:58] It's got to be clever. And knowing my look, I would say it to a fucking tornado victim. Somebody lost their family in tornado. Yeah, okay. Fucking hell. Right, I think you may have gone... Right. Okay. Guess a number between one and ten. Er... Six. Wrong. Take your top off. Pfft! Okay, that's kind of funny.

[00:50:26] But that's funny for me. Er... Okay. Anyone, any singles, you can use this. We give you full permission. Okay. Do you believe in parallel universes? Yeah. Because in every single order of them, I'm trying to talk to you. Are you a heart?

[00:50:56] Am I a whore? I don't know. Fucking hell, not on first date. Heart. Are you a heart? Okay. That one doesn't go well with your Yorkshire accent. No, I don't know. Are you a heart? Because I'd never stop beating you. Okay. Nice. Are you the square root of minus one? Because you can't be real. I don't see... That would throw me, because I'd be like, what the fuck is square root of minus one?

[00:51:26] And then before you know it, you're talking, because you both hate math. Yeah. Or you went iron, because I don't get enough of you. Oh, cos anemic. Ah. Ah, okay. Yeah. Yeah. You've got to be careful who you use these on as well, because if you have to... Let's be honest, Jack, we're never going to use these on it. Yeah. I'm going to go home and say one to our last. Did you ever... Wait, just sorry, a quick pause.

[00:51:54] Did you ever see them videos of them, like, people where, like, it's supposed to be very seductive, where they go up to, like, the wives of the partner, and they're, like, fucking pull their hair back, and they're supposed to be like, ooh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, have you ever tried it? Fuck, it never works. I don't think I dare. It's one of them where they slap her, slap her across face. Put cake in mouth. Put cake in mouth. Yeah. Fucking hell. I'd be running for my life if I did that. I might try it one day in this video and see what happens. That'd be very funny.

[00:52:24] I've got some more weight. I want to wear up with those ones. Da-da-da-da. Are you into fitness? Yes. Because how about fitting this in your mouth?

[00:52:54] I'm not religious, but you're the answer to all my prayers. Okay, nice. Bit of cheese. Do you like desserts? Yes. I'm about to serve up some cream. Are you Lego? Are you Legos? Because I'd never let go of you. I don't even know what I mean. Are you a washing machine?

[00:53:25] Because I'm dying to put a load in there. Oh, Matt. Who's got more? I'm going to do that. Might have a pop of super cheese. I know. One sec. One sec. One sec. Nah, I'm done. I'm done. Oh, no. Oh, God. I'm yawning.

[00:53:55] Tired. Busy day. Busy day. I'm fuck all. It's all that, son. Yeah. Tired of my heart. Might warm and have a beer now. Treat myself. Saturday, innit? Mandry beer. Brewed by fucking Coventry. Yeah. Spanish beer in Coventry. Anyway, guys, that's us for today. Yeah, that's it. See you next week. See you next week. Goodbye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

[00:54:22] This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit podomity.com.