S2 E16 - Sound Effects

[00:00:00] show me the word podcast what will we even call it? mind map?

[00:00:07] ahh go on then

[00:00:08] welcome back to another episode of mind map with billy and jack

[00:00:25] nobody fucking cares about that did you know that owls have got three eyelids? This cleans and protects the surface of the eye. So it goes like that? Yeah. Yeah. I like the massive and all because they've got big eyes, aren't they? Yeah. And they can also turn the head. Yeah, it's weird that, innit? But I don't... it's... I think they can't just keep it there. I think they eventually do have to, like, uncoil it back to its original position. Which way, though? Oh, so they can't go all the way around and they'd have to, like...

[00:01:41] They can go all the way around, but they can't just leave it there.

[00:01:43] They have to go back round. They have to, like, uncoil.

[00:01:45] Have they got a bone?

[00:01:46] Is that... there's just no bone?

[00:02:43] so we need to see one of them, we'll see if they've got a bone there

[00:02:44] yeah I'm pretty sure they've got a bone there

[00:02:46] have you seen the legs?

[00:02:47] they're not like in

[00:02:48] oh yeah they're weird

[00:02:49] have you seen like a baby owl?

[00:02:50] no

[00:02:51] they're a fucking owl

[00:02:53] they look like aliens

[00:02:54] like oh because they've got no feathers in the flower

[00:02:57] they literally look like aliens it's so weird

[00:02:59] they look fucking rape freaky

[00:03:01] they are quite weird them aren't they?

[00:03:03] owls

[00:03:04] when last time you saw an owl in wild

[00:03:06] I don't think I've ever seen one

[00:03:07] I've seen one vision and then you come to the next night and then all of a sudden you can fucking see perfectly clear in night what would you do take advantage of it I, he's an actual person. Oh, okay He just walks in and then he obviously didn't think it through. It's not this in the film. This is real life Oh real life I've seen that funny. I've seen that footage where he nicks a TV from cameras. Oh, yeah

[00:05:44] I'm very old it like that and walks backwards and stuff. Yeah, I've seen that it's been like the last ever species I think so I think it's only ever happened like I don't know it's like a select few times what it should it no the mate with it no no it's like the last ever of the species and it's in it's in a zoo like there's not there's none left so what they're just waiting for it to die to go to the end well what can you do when there's only one left

[00:07:01] and it's a male make one Jurassic Park take its DNA well put it into some M a M M O T H I think mammoth O T H think so Wholly mammoth Tusk found I'm telling you I don't think that's right. Oh

[00:08:23] Have you misread it? Yeah, we're a thousand years. Yeah, I some fucking this is dress it part there's gonna be some rules and guidelines there in there like I think I reckon they probably make it see if it's viable you probably gonna see if it survives like three months even they might create and just because it's been created in a lab it might just die well yeah but don't you think this has got very much dress it pop vibes it has yeah so but like once they've done like a peaceful creature what's to stop them doing like an apex predator exactly and none of them films then well yeah people

[00:09:44] get you yeah but that is that is that is something that's real like they've got Think everybody knows what you mean. Well, I just can't think of his name. You don't need to think of his name carry on. Okay. Anyway, yeah Should I go to my joke? Oh I thought we were still talking about dinosaurs. Oh, yeah. Well the real on there. Well birds are yeah We know too much about I think I've said this before We know too much about him. We know exactly what they look like. We know fucking size of the teeth. I

[00:11:04] mean the fossils think so no bronchosaurus no it's not what's stegosaurus now the one with spikes on it yeah yeah yeah that one a I quite like tricepatopsis yeah they are cool they're cool anyway jugglery yeah okay what do you call a deaf gynecologist so again huh what do you call a deaf gynecologist I think oh I put that together and I'll put that together that'll be funny. You're supposed to use your own real life and then it's a genuine joke because then it's like something that's never been done before because it's about your life. Yeah but I do know the problem is I think of funny shit all the time. Yeah. But the part time I think the time I think about it I forgot. Well what you need to do. I need to write it down. You need to carry a

[00:13:40] little notepad in your pocket and a little pencil. No I'm gonna be like one

[00:13:44] of them journalists not journalists like you throughout this podcast into like a real comedian. Yeah, but I can't mix it up on my own. Yeah, but if you try, this is what I mean. We could do it practice. And then this could be your road to being an actual comedian. And then eventually in two years time when we're still doing this, you could have your first ever stand-up gig. I'm not doing it, but you can. Why? I'm not doing it. Why? Why? Why don't you do it with me?

[00:15:00] No, I'm not doing it.

[00:15:01] Do they do double acts?

[00:15:02] I'm not about that live.

[00:15:03] Do they do double acts?

[00:15:04] I don't think so.

[00:15:06] Well, Barry and Chuckle.

[00:15:08] Yeah, but that's not a part of the deal cuz you see you don't really believe you're gonna be successful what from day one yeah I'm just gonna walk

[00:16:22] down you're gonna do a stand-up get it? Yeah, I know we're grooming this. I'm just waiting to carry on talking. So why does everyone go, oh, it's lunch? This is just that, what you've just said. Blows everything out of the argument and what standard of course is it is.

[00:17:41] Breakfast, dinner, tea.

[00:17:42] What time do you have your Christmas dinner and all?

[00:17:45] One.

[00:17:46] Yeah, we have it at one.

[00:17:46] Dinner time. salt gravy that's got all that meat juices in it oh it's fucking to die for that so three choices of me and then like roasted carrots done with like honey in like last 10 minutes only roasted with parsnips as well same cabbage sprouts what else have we got broccoli they like cauliflower cheese I

[00:19:03] don't like cauliflower cheese I don't. Yes you do. I'm telling you. Yes you do. On a traditional Christmas dinner you don't have Yorkshire puddings. But that's the main anyway. Okay. We'll have starters. So some people will have Yorkshire puddings and graves for starters. I have pate and like some time crackers or some people will have that.

[00:20:21] That starters and then for desserts, me and her lass are making desserts.

[00:20:25] She's making a Bailey's cheesecake.

[00:20:27] Nice.

[00:20:28] And you know she's fucking shit hotter. I just need feeding. And then after Boxing Day, fucking, I'd like somebody to challenge me on this. There's no better meal for Boxing Day than fucking left over turkey curry. Turkey made into a curry. Turkey curry for Boxing Day. Bubbles is great mate, Boxing Day. Turkey curry mate. Or cold meat and chips. Turkey curry mate. Turkey curry.

[00:21:40] Turkey curry.

[00:21:41] Yeah, turkey curry.

[00:21:42] Wait, you've missed a very important thing out of your Christmas meal.

[00:21:45] What?

[00:21:46] Where's the cheese board? bay leaf, black pepper and salt and some meat fat sometimes too that's bread sauce probably never heard of bread sauce is that another thing or is it like a, is it just a yolk it could be just a yolk tree where does a bread sauce originate from? bread

[00:23:00] err

[00:23:02] oh it just says, it's fucking hell

[00:23:04] it just dates back to medieval England

[00:23:06] did you ever say pigs and blankets by the way Any other time at year? That's what I mean, I lost what she loves, Baileys. But I mean, throughout my adult life, I've tried Baileys probably, I don't know, every year, up until like last year. And I just can't go, don't we? I try it every year. And I just- Well, I can only have one glass, I can't be chugging it. I'm looking at it and it's chocolate milk. And I'm looking at it, it's chocolate milk, and I've pranked some ellipse and it's not chocolate milk.

[00:24:21] And I just get disheartened every time.

[00:24:23] Speaking of milkshakes, right, I've got to tell you something.

[00:24:27] Right. I want some crochet Crushing up to make mode shake. How do you spell it? And it's all them cats. Yeah, I know exactly what you mean Crusher Shook Straws yeah. Yeah, I've got it here crusher straws

[00:25:44] I'm sure they did. I sure they did straws to me they're Christmas biscuits. Right, because you wouldn't get them all year round. No. It's one of those things that you don't really see year round at Christmas, you see Danish cookies and stuff. I like Danish cookies. Have you seen any of the penis shaped Santas yet? What? The penis shaped Santas? No.

[00:27:00] Have you never seen them before?

[00:27:02] No.

[00:27:03] So it's like a Santa in like Tim Foyo.

[00:27:06] Right.

[00:27:07] But...

[00:27:08] Where are you buying these from? another year yeah I've decided that this year's New Year's Revolution is not to make a New Year's Revolution oh okay stick to it all right that's what your plan is because I just know it's just fate I mean you've done me the way obviously you've done fucking person I know is I've stuck to one stuck to it

[00:28:21] let's be fair I don't think it's sugar? Like you can't just cut it out completely no like you need glucose which is what you get from fruit not luke is it? No. We get it from luke is it though? You do get it from. So why is it when people are diabetic they drink luke is it because they need sugar? Oh god I don't I don't know I

[00:29:40] don't drink chana I don't really know much about diabetes I haven't got it I don't think well you

[00:29:44] should have it mate you'll fucking eat yeah I know it is. Well this is the thing, so if I'm doing this... It's kind of very hard to chat. If I'm doing this sugar thing, I don't want to do it. So it's going to be like no added sugars. So it's not things that have already got sugar in. That's not what I'm doing.

[00:31:00] Because that's like natural forms of sugar.

[00:31:02] I'm doing like added sugar.

[00:31:04] Do you know that sometimes they add sugar to bread?

[00:31:07] They're there? Why?

[00:31:08] Fuck no. I don't think he's added It's technically it should be on ingredients list if they've added something to it, do you know what I mean? So that's gonna be my one for January. I think Why not? I'm gonna try it. I want to do some big next year. Something big? Yeah, some great big. What what? I don't know. Like stopping smoking? No, no, no, no, no, not like that. Oh, okay. No, stuff

[00:32:23] What's good for me? No, I mean, it's big. Right. Like I don't know jump out playing or something at all

[00:33:23] Why don't you set yourself a challenge because a marathon is a big fucking task. Why don't you set yourself a challenge of doing a half marathon first?

[00:33:26] Okay, well what about I'll match you and what about 100 meter?

[00:33:30] As a part, you get some running shoes and you run for five minutes.

[00:33:34] I don't like running, so I don't know why I said that. What about swim the channel?

[00:33:38] Do you know how dangerous that is?

[00:33:40] No, but I'll have lifeguards. There's no sharks in that, is there?

[00:33:45] Yes. Not in the channel. Yes? Not English channel. this monster all over again so there's 12 sightings that wait it's been seen well that's me not going in ski in fucking see anymore in England I thought that's where we were safe yeah so there's only like 12 credible reports so like great white sharks that's probably where the but no attacks oh I don't know about that they might be friendly in England I don't think that's the case

[00:36:02] Yeah, I like that, I wanna watch that. Yeah, I'm gonna kiss a snake.

[00:36:04] I encourage you, bro, I can't promise

[00:36:05] that I won't laugh at you.

[00:36:06] I like it, not a drugged up snake.

[00:36:10] A proper, well, not a wild snake, but you know what I mean.

[00:36:14] So how are you gonna kiss a snake that's not drugged up?

[00:36:17] Very gently.

[00:36:20] Not on the lips, that's ridiculous.

[00:36:23] Maybe on his tail or something.

[00:36:25] Are you aware that they can strike at you,

[00:36:27] even though like, you're behind at them? you grab it behind Ed, so you can't move and then you've got it said and then you can kiss it because you've got it So it's changed from a kissing a snake to go into a gladiator battle with his snake I think that's the only way to conquer you fear with no weapons I'll let you have a little bit of body armour on Okay, I think I could win

[00:37:41] Non poisonous name. Oh, that's cheap. Anaconda's aren't it for a local charity, and I'll wrestle a snake Yeah And I'll win what you look googling now I'm trying to see what snake It is snakes. Yeah, I know it's a snake this fuck fucking hell. Yeah, it's a snake Jack

[00:39:03] We know it's no the invasive species in Florida that means they shouldn't be there

[00:40:04] They've got no defense against it because it's not supposed to be there because they're not involved against it So that goes in there. It's like fucking hell. Look at all this shit. Yeah, is that like someone chucking your t-rex in middle of street?

[00:40:09] Yeah, we're not evolved for it. Oh, yeah. Yeah

[00:40:13] But yeah, I think I'm pretty sure it's anacondas

[00:40:16] I think that not supposed to be never is that why they put him on a plane?

[00:40:18] Cuz you don't know if a chance on a yeah, unless you've got Samuel Jackson on play. Yeah

[00:40:25] Yeah, just anacondas are tangent. Yeah, we did Hey ready? Yeah Take my time segment time it is segment time. Yeah Okay, starving I'm ready for something let's get the smash this up today segment is a

[00:41:45] not far name is

[00:45:40] VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV happens outside? Erm... I don't know, not idea. That was I ever watch a film and they've got mine in your sound think I'm missing let me think I'm missing anything okay Maybe we're just starting to sink. Right. Try and make it harder. Okay. T-Rex. Master Beater. Big Foot Master Beater. No. Making Love. Airy Play. Airy Play. Airy Play. Airy Play. Airy Play. Airy Play. Airy Play. Airy Play.

[00:48:20] Airy Play.

[00:48:21] Airy Play.

[00:48:22] Airy Play.

[00:48:23] Airy Play.

[00:48:24] Airy Play.

[00:48:25] Airy Play.

[00:48:26] Airy Play.

[00:48:27] Airy Play.

[00:48:28] Airy Play. No Stealing something now you put a code in no. Yeah. Well, yeah, you don't want yeah you put it on the door It's not a code, but you're punching numbers I don't know it till ah nice

[00:51:03] Right this fucking sign is a lot and bad yet again we've seen when they wrote a good mask on wrong I've never heard him do I met but the first ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh. Come on, you can get it. Ho ho ho! Full of Christmas. Sliding down a chimney. Yeah! Sliding down a chimney, put some presents down and then went back up chimney.

[00:53:42] Yeah, yeah. That we're going on.

[00:53:44] It weren't make any noise. Pops. Pops. Vicious don't make noise. How do you know? Cause I've heard them. How? And they made no noise. Did you just stick your head under water? I am one with the ocean. And listened? Yes. To a whale. Oooooooh. Pfft.

[00:55:01] Do a seal.

[00:55:05] Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. What the fuck?