S2 E17 - Job Interviews

[00:00:00] show me the web podcast

[00:00:04] what we even call it my map I go on then

[00:00:22] welcome back to another episode of my map with Billy and Jack nobody fucking cares about that think it's funny. You think it's funny? I just think it's funny. Actually on that, because you've got access to my Now account, haven't you? Yes, I've watched it. Yeah you watched it over there didn't you? Yeah it is good. Have you watched it? Yeah I watched it like it came out. Oh right okay yeah. Yeah it's alright. It's not fantastic but it's alright. What do you mean it's not fantastic? It's not fantastic is it?

[00:01:40] It's alright. Do you remember the, do you like, yeah it's shot black though. Yeah I know but that doesn't mean that it's

[00:01:45] fantastic. Did you like the peaches thing? Yeah it was bigger. What? I'm not compensating. I think the screens are pretty big up view. They're big but they're not eye marks. Alright so you have a bigger screen but that means you have to sit further away so the distance to like size ratio is

[00:03:00] still the same on a smaller screen because if you have a lot about you yeah okay back to cinema okay at Vue yeah they they also do like a box thing you can have like I don't know what's called this yeah but right it's somewhat for like seven quid do you know how much like popcorn and all that bollocks costs at cinemas you need to

[00:04:21] take out a bank loan don't you? They do this box that's got like a chocolate bar a small I set off at least 45 minutes before the interview. That's a bit silly. Even to get there 10 minutes before I didn't really want the job. Okay. So I went and I thought, I'll just go in and say, oh, and then they'll turn me away. They're like, oh no. And I didn't know it's a group interview. Oh, whoops. Yeah.

[00:05:40] She went, oh no, just follow me.

[00:05:41] We'll go upstairs.

[00:05:42] Took me upstairs into this room when everybody's away from doing this little task thing. So you had to get all the way to P to get your first one. Yeah but they were taking it in turds. Right. Like that. So I can't remember. Mine went to K and they said, don't care. I went Kevin Bacon. Everyone just looked like, what are you on about? What was this idiot? Kevin Bacon. And the reason why I said it is because remember in the cinema you always get the adverts.

[00:07:04] A, we're for adverts. like not my magnetics it were like little plastic straws yeah but like the solid and then you click them into things and then you know yeah yeah kind of things yeah it's a bit like a functional bridge and then so that you had certain a whip metal weight off it our team lost I also didn't get the job apprenticeship I did that and all and I did it for Stanley tools and all all right okay I

[00:08:20] don't I didn't get it no no I have not really got a good success rate is what I

[00:08:23] think I feel like I walk in and I nail the interview hmm I've not really had Nice. That was very good. Did you know, side note, that in Switzerland it's now legal that you can have assisted suicide? Well that's where you got to do it, isn't it? Yeah. I was wondering whether you know.

[00:09:40] What do you mean assisted? I thought you so say your mate said they want to fucking end it and then you'll go find a

[00:11:02] tree you set up a noose you get him a ladder and you said go on then and they

[00:11:06] do everything else to set they do the actual killing yeah so they put that on Because how can you prove it's assisted suicide? You can't ask the fucking person, he's dead. You make them write a strong letter before they die. Yeah, sorry. Yeah. I do declare. Anyway, Happy New Year. Happy New Year, Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. This is his first embark. Yeah, we've had a long time off, haven't we?

[00:12:21] We have.

[00:12:22] Nice chilled time.

[00:12:23] We have.

[00:12:24] Good relax.

[00:12:25] All refreshed, ready for 2024.

[00:12:26] I'm not ready, I'm fucking behind already.

[00:12:27] Come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and then also what did so get him all his presence and that and then all his presence He thinks in his head are all from Santa. Yeah, but I know I need to know that there's some from me as well So what I think I've got him now. Yeah, but so why didn't why don't you write like from Billy made by Santa dad? He knows me dad. Yeah

[00:13:41] From dad made by Santa

[00:13:44] What it's on that And like I'll admit I'm a believe I'm not believe now. I believe quite later on. I think I stopped believing like

[00:16:07] move it if it was magic we use magic why could he not give off some like teleport some magic stuff and then not get captured by cameras look the idea is

[00:16:12] for him to get captured by cameras oh yeah no that's the idea I'm ruining it

[00:16:16] you can phone him I've seen that you can phone him you can ring him I did that you

[00:16:21] can do that through Alexa as well because I can't it before and he's telling him to shut up sell. Exactly. I could get one of you shagging a pig. Well I mean there's already videos of that they're at that so. On the dark web. Yeah. What about your Christmas? Yeah it were. Enjoy your wet dog. Got a kid. Yeah it were alright. Fucking we treat our dog like a child he got fucking presents and all sorts. He got loads. Yeah he opens them he loves Christmas.

[00:17:41] Did he open them? Like in centred on them. Fully opened them yeah. Loves Christmas. Did

[00:17:45] he run away with a wrapping paper? He knows exactly which ones there is. Like the toys a good game that and then you can do like the challenge thing so like you can challenge somebody to like get one of their color coin things and then if you've not got one it's a win-win for you because you can win it you can win a coin and then if you don't win you don't lose anything but if you challenge somebody who's statistically not statistically strategically the best way to do it is to challenge somebody who's already got one that you haven't so

[00:19:03] then they have to do a question immediately after get wrong but if it's like twister so are all fucking Jenga you just fucking hell it's not that odd stop asking what you need to do it's not that hard you pull a fucking brick art do you know what I mean like it's not

[00:20:21] hard so did you win I won all the games well our team won all the games captain Sure spell it shr Pps hi, are you I think that's right. I'm not checking. I think it's right. Yeah. I just I don't know whether there's two peas We said two peas Let's have a look I'm gonna check it Shrops you let's have what would you just you said it I think you got have you got it

[00:22:47] bottom and do it for weddings and stuff you that's what we do yeah why I've been doing it all no no no I'm not a wedding planner what are you doing

[00:22:52] wedding venue right so like we go comes we a planet you can't just hire the

[00:22:58] venue yeah so when you when you hired your venue yeah who spoke through

[00:23:04] everything with you the person who owns it the wedding planner yeah she's not a livestock farm, it's not a pastry farm, it's not a dairy farm. An abandoned farm? It's just a hobby farm, I don't know. Oh, is it like a small holding? Yeah, oh yeah, yeah. So they don't do all, I don't think they do all with the animals. Is it just like they sustain their own family? Is it that kind of thing? So they grow their own food, they've got their own animals and... You get eggs in them all, you can get eggs in them all.

[00:24:21] That is my dream, I'd love to have that.

[00:24:23] They add like a massive, erm...

[00:24:27] I don't know, shed.

[00:24:28] A camo... yeah they are scary really. Say it. Say it. Most things look scary when you're five foot two. Sorry. Sorry. His nose were like as big as my body. Big as mine. Yeah. So yeah I kept shoving carrots up him. Yeah. What? In him. He loved it.

[00:25:40] Yeah. Yeah it was good. Fresh chickens.

[00:25:44] Did you stay up till midnight? Yes. once you've watched the firework display for 10 seconds it's done what more do you need to watch it's just the same shit did you see what we were doing with the drones though that was pretty cool right the drones I can get behind I actually think that's quite interesting because they can do like a whole is it light show and all that we were doing yeah you can do like a whole picture in sky like it's quite interesting

[00:27:01] I've seen fireworks they're fucking boring like once you've seen one you've seen a

[00:27:05] million like it's boring

[00:27:06] don't invite Jack around to your but it was an Asian country and they had for New Year's Eve they had a giant drone display and they've got like a dragon flying a bar in sky. It's got to be China. I don't know which one it is it might it might have been. But it looked cool. I'd much

[00:28:20] rather watch that than fireworks. I'd like to go to China for New Year. Would you? Wait

[00:28:24] they have a different New Year to us don't they? Yeah they have Chinese New Year's Day I remember last year very fucking cold this year no yeah before last year it was last year last year well it was it was New Year's Day 2023 New Year's Day 2023 and then New Year's Day 2024 I did it again but I went to Colton Bay or something like that, Colton Bay, Colton Bay it's near

[00:29:42] Scarborough when this time yeah New Year's Day right yeah this year this it's like pick him up and take him out. He kept going... He was trying to save me. I tried to trick him to get out so I followed him out like half way and then I started walking back in and then he got out and realised and then started running back in again like fucking Baywatch. Fucking ridiculous. But now we're alright.

[00:31:00] Is that any New Year's resolutions?

[00:31:02] No.

[00:31:04] New Year knew me.

[00:31:06] New Year same old do. So she wanted to save it and she wanted to drink it so that was the first thing that I drank. I felt absolutely shredded. Did you? After half a bottle of champagne. Yeah. We hangin? Went straight to my head. I don't think I would hang in. Like, it's fine. But... We did... What happened? Like, what happened when you got drunk? No, I was just...

[00:32:21] Did you get happy?

[00:32:22] Did you get sad?

[00:32:23] Did you?

[00:32:24] Because like, you probably forgot the feeling.

[00:32:25] No, I could just tell that I weren't sober.

[00:32:27] So you were tipsy?

[00:32:28] Yeah, class. I'm a down a bottle of whiskey Could make you drink Emileve you

[00:35:02] Might be tempted to have a drink to a bowl. This is like the opposite of fucking alcohol gonna do. This year I've got a new one. I've set myself to only do it for January currently because I think it's gonna be harder than not drinking for a year. Okay. So I'm not gonna eat added sugar. Mm-hmm. So if you don't know if we've not looked at back at labels or anything but anything that's not a whole food basically has got fucking sugar in it and that's what I've realized like four days in. So, because I can't get me head No nothing. So what's in it? That's why it's gold. Just the other recipe. Get it up on Tabna. Because I don't think it is. There's no way Coca Cola makes them without sweeteners in it. Coca Cola we're saying. Yeah. Not the grams. Oh right yeah. Coca Cola without sugar.

[00:36:24] It's sweetener isn't it?

[00:36:25] Yeah. You still having sweeteners. I'm still being bad. Well I don't want to I don't want to comment on this because I don't I don't actually know I don't want to like influence people because I don't know I don't actually know the fucking science behind it because

[00:37:43] if you look if you look at the minute it got bits in it no you can still get smooth cherries can't not testing myself. But I can tell that I eat a lot of sugar. Like it's bad if I've finished my dinner and then immediately I'm like I need something sweet. I need something sweet. I need to eat something sweet. Like. Yeah, don't you just fall.

[00:40:21] I am fall.

[00:40:21] This is another problem I got.

[00:40:22] I eat past fullness.

[00:40:24] I like fill me center like I'm sick.

[00:40:26] You eat food slower.

[00:40:28] Yeah, I've got a lot of things wrong. times a year and as we're increasing and like it seems to be the major one near them times a year and like climate change is like increasing in severity like you're gonna get more frequency more natural storms and things are just gonna get more frequent you're missing the point it's just this time of year it's not though it's not though is it it's been

[00:41:40] fucking hundreds of things that have gone off in past year so no way Japan go on I'm gonna go spell it out loud T-O-R-N-E-N-D-O No Tornado Is that how you spell it? I don't know Is it not T-O-R-N-A-D-O

[00:43:04] It is T-O-R-N-A-D-O

[00:44:06] day one is it just one street yeah right not really a bad tornado then what for them people on that straight yeah I suppose yeah they didn't think waking up ringing in word day

[00:44:10] after I just ring it into work I can't come in there's only been two houses damage you

[00:44:15] don't know yeah that's what I said to rules let's reunite it just just two roofs I'm

[00:44:21] Dave have you seen I picked the tornadoes are in like America and stuff you know where I'm busy. Answer the phone. I'm busy. Just answer the phone. Hello. Is that Joseph? No, sorry, wrong number. Bye. Oh, I must have rang Morrison. 90 year old. Okay, go on, carry on. Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring. Is that Joseph? You're my boss. I'm not your boss. I'm not your boss. I'm not your boss. I'm not your boss. I'm not your boss. I'm not your boss.

[00:45:40] I'm not your boss.

[00:45:41] I'm not your boss.

[00:45:42] I'm not your boss.

[00:45:43] I'm not your boss.

[00:45:44] I'm not your boss.

[00:45:45] I'm not your boss.

[00:45:46] I'm not your boss.

[00:45:47] I'm not your boss.

[00:45:48] I'm not gonna be able to make it in Joseph. Okay I'm sorry to hear that Gladys. I'll tell you what voice of an angel I still don't understand it so you're gonna have to explain it no we got an idea

[00:48:22] I'll just yeah I will rephrase that for you because it weren't my idea I think like 10 10 Which one you doing there am I turning up for the job or you interview? Do you know what first Albert interview e Right, okay, get five seconds to compose yourself

[00:49:47] Hello I've come for this job interview. Can you please wait it's took you four hours to come here and the job is next door I don't mind that Camille no no it's fine that's great Julia can you just ride maybe a brook in those things and so

[00:51:02] name please Bob Bob ah nice to meet you Bob Bob does Bob have a second name yeah Wow, quite stressed, disorganized. So, this job would require milking. Okay. Have you ever heard of an experience milking before? Quite a lot actually. Have you, really? Yeah, more than an average person. What type of livestock have you milked before?

[00:52:24] Chickens, cows, goats, people. People, oh great, great, great.

[00:52:27] Well, that of them snakes.

[00:53:41] Are we talking grass snake?

[00:53:42] Both of them snakes Jack don't actually have any venom.

[00:53:45] Are we talking rattlesnake?

[00:53:46] So we're looking at it some pain because it's not it only Respond on attack. It's not gonna because pain because if you grab them back back at head like I want it to be cause pain You want to cause the snake pain? Yes. Yes. That's what we're looking for What kind of mentally? Psychologically, yes, you want to cause the snake psychological pain to feel bad about himself

[00:55:03] Okay, right. I'm gonna grab the snake behind the bed head

[00:56:03] Something that you would want from a snake milker. No, I want yes, man Because that means a no-nonsense that means if someone's going wrong

[00:56:06] I'm good just gonna say it because I'm not gonna go along with it because I'm a no-nonsense tolfit. I want yes, man

[00:56:11] Well, yes men are gonna get people killed and then you're gonna get you could drop shut down

[00:56:15] They're gonna get killed. Okay. Anyway, nice to meet you. Yeah. Thanks Bob. Go fuck yourself. Yeah. Thanks

[00:56:21] Okay, see you later. Wait to go fuck yourself. I wrote don't give a fuck

[00:56:25] Don't I can't remember Bob don't give a fuck Is that our next course? Er, no. That's just the facts. Okay. See you later you fucking wanker. Sorry. Sorry. Start again. I'm sorry. Start again. Start again. You need to be a different person. The name threw you off. Yes. Why? Start again. Come in. Hi. You told me to be a different person. Is that your real voice?

[00:57:40] No, I'm just a different person.

[00:57:41] Okay.

[00:57:42] I'm sorry.

[00:57:43] I'm sorry. Okay, you're good to go. Ready! To be fair, that's a fresh attitude. Most people that apply for this job don't really have that attitude, to be honest. Well, being 65 years old it was gonna be oral but. Right okay no hands. Okay. We prefer not oral we'd rather not have like a lawsuit. No foul play? I mean yeah you can try and cheer them up if you want it always helps. Yeah male,

[01:00:22] female? Both. Doesn't matter. Both. We need them. Currently on our farm we've check could you tell me what that is well it's quite funny that because it kind of fits into the role I'm doing I was done for fingering a pig and also over large livestock animals and pleasure nothing nothing weird and so you didn't do it for a medical reason you just assaulted these animals no they

[01:01:41] did no it wasn't assault because they asked me to do it pardon yeah yeah so it's when I was a f**king scientist. Right, okay. Yeah, so I'm not actually a current address. Yeah, okay, thank you. Underpass. Yeah, cheers. Right, okay, see you later. When do I start? We'll be in touch. Oh, and your name was? Bob. Bob. Thank you.

[01:03:01] Bob couldn't give a f**k.

[01:03:02] Bob, right.

[01:03:03] Right, yeah, thank you.

[01:03:05] You don't suppose you've got two quid for both, have you?

[01:03:07] Yeah, here you go, pal. let's have a look these are weird jobs I go world errrrrrrrrrrrrr. Usual name. Yep. Gerald Fish. Did you know the king? Pardon?

[01:05:40] Kingfisher.

[01:05:41] No, very good joke.

[01:05:43] Ah ha ha ha ha.

[01:05:45] Thank you.

[01:05:46] I'd like to warm a professional mermaid. Let's go. Ah. Okay. Wow. Erm. So. For children? So Maxine. Why do you think that you would be good being a professional mermaid? Erm. Well, erm. Mr Fish.

[01:07:00] What experience do you think you've got?

[01:07:01] Very fitting name by the way.

[01:07:02] Yes.

[01:07:03] Erm.

[01:07:04] It is very fitting considering that we work at the aquarium.

[01:07:06] Yes.

[01:07:07] Yes.

[01:07:08] Erm. Oh I love it. It's best Mr Fish when you've had a bit of spies. Oh yeah. Also Mr Fish I can hold my breath for a minute. Is that it? PB. A minute yeah. Minute or two when my mum's... As a professional mermaid working at the aquarium you will be diving

[01:08:23] for long periods of time with fish and sharks and fish you'll have to be at one with the fish you will have to be a fish side the fish you you will be a fish by the time you're finished right yeah are you in what's the pay 500 grand a day Wow just an actual money or actual money 500

[01:09:43] grand a day yeah the aquarium has's a lot of money. Yeah, but I've lost my legs. But yeah. Well, not necessarily. Yeah but you've lost legs, but you've gained... A tail. A fucking mermaid tail. Ah, cool's that. Erm, do I get to choose? Have you ever watched Aquaman? You're like a lamer version of Aquaman. Yeah, erm, not a big fan of Amber Heard. Erm...

[01:11:00] Yeah, she's not in it.

[01:11:01] Oh, great.

[01:11:02] So I'm not gonna be Amber Heard.

[01:11:04] You are gonna be your own Jason Momoa, just slightly less ugly.

[01:11:07] What, really? is that the way yeah no you can go out this door and there'll be a limo waiting for you while you go and meet the Queen oh really yes yeah the Queen's dead I didn't say which Queen Oh Queen of the fish get you said no I'll be seeing you

[01:12:20] and seen see why we're not actors because that was fucking horrendous it