The Debate

[00:00:03] Shall we do a podcast? What would we even call it? MindMap! Ah, go on then. Welcome back to another episode of MindMap with Billy and Jack. Nobody fucking cares about that. Did you know that the first vibrators were invented in the 1800s to treat hysteria in women?

[00:00:33] Wait, what's hysteria mean? So I'm going to go into a bit more depth. Oh, okay. Right, so, doctors used to believe that women's emotional distress was due to a medical condition called hysteria, and one of the treatments was a pelvic massage. Literally performed by doctors until their hands got tired. So they invented an electrical device to speed up the process. That's how the vibrator was born. Not for pleasure, but as a clinical tool. Wow. As soon as Becca gets in, look in distress!

[00:01:07] Wow. So, yeah, so before 1800s, women obviously just never orgasmed, and they just all went crazy. That's why vibrator were invented. I bet they were right, Elfer. Oh no, I've got a cold. I think I'm dying. I don't know where you're going with this healthy thing. What do you mean? I'm confused. Like, so you can get the doctor to ram you? No, it's hysteria. Oh, what?

[00:01:36] It's like when you're in distress, I think. Oh, so I keep you anxious. Have you never heard the phrase, like, stop being such a hysterical woman? Sorry, ladies that listen to this podcast, I'm not being misogynistic. Yeah, like dramatic and... Yeah, so back in day... Not ill. Back in day in 1800s, that's what they used to prescribe. Basically, they were saying, just chill out, love, you sound like you need a wank.

[00:02:07] Sorry to the female listeners. I can't wait until Becca gets to the table. Things were a proper radge back then, weren't they? So, like, it's weird that now we understand. So, like, the medical history is completely fucking random and really weird to what we know now, innit? Like, if you look back at what we did back then, it's completely fucking stupid. Like, I'm sure I saw one of them, like, you know, if you had a headache, they used to just, like, put a drill to your head to release the tension. Yeah, that's a lobotomy. Oh, is it? That's a lobotomy.

[00:02:35] They used to do those up until 1800s, early 1900s. It might have been late 1800s, I think. And then wondered why you never got better. Yeah, they drilled a hole in your head. Yeah. I don't think you died, did you? Did you? I can't remember. How did you die with a hole in your head? They used to do it for insane people as well. They didn't drill into your brain just through your skull. Oh, right, okay. They didn't drill into your brain just through your skull. So you didn't bleed out at all. So it, like, relieved tension. They're mad. Didn't, uh, I know this was completely random, but on one of the Saw films, didn't he have a fucking lobotomy?

[00:03:04] No, he had a bear trap on his mouth. No. No, no, no. The main guy that's the fucking bad guy, the old guy. Don't he have, like, a... Jigsaw. Yeah, don't he have, uh... Don't he have a lobotomy? Yes, he does. Because, actually... Don't they take his entire fucking skull off or something on top of his head? Yeah, because they kidnap a surgeon, don't they? And they put a bomb to her. Yeah, because he... Didn't he have, like, a brain cancer or something like that? Yeah. And then he needed to sort it out. Yeah, a tumour. And his brain were bulging on his skull or something, so they cut his skull off her, didn't they? Yeah.

[00:03:34] And if she... Ah, yeah, it's all flooding back now. So... That's a modern lobotomy. They put a bomb round her neck, remember? And they said, if he dies, you die. Proper fucked up film series, those, aren't they? Like, what sick fucks fucking make that? I was about to say that. Who sat at home and thought, this would be fucking perfect. I just want to sit and think of all creative ways that I want to kill people. Need to lock it up. Yeah. They should definitely have their hard drive checked. If there's any missing people in their area, you know where they've gone.

[00:04:04] I never... Do you know, like, when you watch all these, like, heist films and stuff like that? Hmm. I always think, why don't just someone... If they've figured it out and they've just met out as though how easy it is, why don't someone just go and do it? See, that's the trick. They make it look right easy, and in actual fact, it's not. Yeah, but some are in. Like, they just hack into things and then abseil down and that, and I thought... Billy... I could do that. How good at you are using a computer? Well, I can operate Google.

[00:04:31] Right, so for you, hacking a bank system is probably not feasible, is it? I could YouTube it. Bank robbing for dummies. Yeah. Shall I do my joke? Yeah. Okay. Right. This isn't a guessing one. I went for a run. I knew you were going to fucking laugh at that. That's the funniest joke you've done in ages. You're a dick.

[00:05:03] I went for a run and stepped... Stop it! The thing about jokes is they're meant to be semi-believable. Jack went for a run. It's even worse. Right, I went for a run and stepped in shit. And then another guy did the same thing. And I said, hey, I've just done that. And then he fucking punched me and ran off. Okay. You get it? Yeah. Slow burn. You shit on the floor. Yeah, I hate it. Why did you read it like that?

[00:05:32] You went into like a child book reading phase then. That's how I get into it. You changed your voice. I turn into the joke. Yeah. How are you supposed to read it? Not like that. Sorry, I've been very critical. I'm a fucking comedian. Yeah, okay. Anyway, how's life? Yeah, no one's happened. No interesting's happened. No, it hasn't, has it? No, not really. No. Are you just freezing for effect?

[00:06:02] I'm just thinking about what I've done and I don't know. No. What have I done? What springs to mind? No, not worth mentioning. No. Not stepped out of Yorkshire or all that. No. No. If I had, I'd never tell anybody. Well, you're on camera, so. You've been spotted. Well, I was supposed to be on the interview, but I might have ruined it. Oh, we'll get to that. Don't you worry. I have saved that one. Would you go on then? You tell them.

[00:06:32] Okay. Well, if you don't know and you don't look to his social media. If you don't care about us, we get it. That's fine. That's fine. We'll move on. We went to an awards night. Yay. Yeah, we did. We went to Golden Lobes, the best named award evening ever. Yes. And the one that if you'd listened and you're a true listener, the Jack took the piss out two weeks before we got nominated. Yeah. So they clearly didn't listen to that episode. Nope, did they folk? But we got nominated and it was first ever award.

[00:07:01] It was first ever time. First ever awards evening and we got nominated. We lost. Lots of, lots of, lots of other comedy podcasts. And we lost as award virginity. We lost as award virginity and we also, we didn't get pregnant either. We lost. No, yeah, we lost. It was protection the whole way. Yeah. We were protected from winning that prize. Yeah. Three, three triple thick walled Durexers on our podcast. And we did it with grace, I must say. Uh, yeah.

[00:07:31] We didn't get upset. We didn't get upset. We didn't get competitive. Nope. After we found out we lost. Yeah. Uh, I think we were more bothered about how long it took to get to that fucking shithole. Oh my God. How do you people who listen from London live in London? London. What's great about London? I'll never understand it. I don't. Why is every awards evening in London? It's the capital. I don't give a fuck. It's the capital. It's the main place. Yeah.

[00:08:01] You're not going to do awards evening in Rotherham, are you? You should. It'd be great for us. Well, yeah, it would. Uh, yeah, we drove, didn't we? Yeah. We drove down. Well, you drove. I drove. You navigated. Yeah. It was like death race. Jack was my navigator. Left. Left. Only way I can describe it, it's fucking Mad Max. That's all. That's all I can think driving through London. It's fucking chaotic. It's mad.

[00:08:30] I've never seen so many people cycling and cycling in such a shit way that I'm just, I was dumbfounded. I didn't know you could cycle that badly. Diagonally? Why are you cycling diagonally? Yeah, it's absolutely fucking chaos. And the mopeds? Yeah. Fuck me. They're even worse. They don't give a fuck. It literally, it jumpscares the entire way. You get to, you stop, you look, check your mirrors, right? And then you're about to go next minute. You've got fucking dominoes inside of you. Yeah. Flying past you.

[00:09:00] You've got people just running into the middle of the road. When you're coming out of a junction, you expect to look left and right. You never expect to look fucking behind you for something coming, do you? Well, it's just not fucking normal, is it? You've got fucking a moped traveling at 30 miles coming past you. How are you supposed to pull out of a fucking junction? So that was an experience. Why is London the way that it is? Why are the prices of houses so fucking ridiculous? We drove through Chelsea to get to awards evening.

[00:09:27] And I'm not kidding you right, there were these terraced houses. There were probably like what, three bedroom terraced houses, something like that? Assumably, yeah. They were on a fucking triple carriageway. Oh my God. And it were fucking right busy. There were people honking, mopeds, the noisiest fucking road I've ever been on. And so where the pavement were, you took three steps off at fucking pavement and you were on somebody's fucking front doorstep. Yeah. Triple fucking carriageway. Triple carriageway.

[00:09:56] Out of the old experience, that's the one thing that's stuck in your head that you couldn't fathom. The house prices were five million. I don't think them ones were. They were. That's what they looked like. Those ones that were on that triple carriageway, five million. Are you sure? Five fucking million. Wow. They looked like a rape shithole. No offence to anyone who lives on the triple carriageway. I don't know. Fair enough. Them houses were probably there before that road got built.

[00:10:25] But fuck me, sell that fucking thing. Why? I'd sell it for five million. You're going to die from all that fucking pollution as soon as you step out of your fucking front door. Just as a bit of a selling point for anyone. For five million, you probably could get an eight bed mansion here. You're going to stay. Yeah. Come up north. No, actually no. Stay where you are. You're going to stay. Stay where you are. Fucking a posh butler. Yeah. Cleaning lady. Yeah. Private chef. Yeah. Fucking gym instructor.

[00:10:55] Yeah. That might give you a little fondle depending on where you go for a gym instructor. Happy ending. Yeah. Or an affair. Nice car. Yeah. Don't have to pay about four grand just for privilege to drive in London. Yeah. Retire. Yeah. Fucking bonkers. Do you know what also? Do you know that? So thankfully because Billy's got a fully electric car, we didn't have to pay the charges to drive into London which is like 11, 12 pound a day I think. Yeah.

[00:11:24] So you don't have to pay it for an electric vehicle, right? That's stopping this Christmas. Yeah. So even if you own a fully electric vehicle, you've still got to pay that. Why? It's to do with congestion and emissions. There's no fucking emissions off that car. It's not, is it? It's a money making scheme. It's all about this. Why would a fully electric car need to pay a thing for congestion? Because everyone's cracked it, haven't they? Everyone cracked the loophole and they thought, I know what, we'll all go electric. Don't have to, especially the taxi drivers.

[00:11:53] It must be, it must have been a rate saver for them. I'll go electric and I can do all my pickups and that. Government weren't seeing it, were they? Fucking bonkers. So, where it can, it'll be taxed. Anyway, we lost. No fucking parking anywhere. There's no street fucking parking anywhere. You're a pit. Cost me fucking 30 quid to park in a Travelodge car park and that went cheapest fucking car park. And we didn't even stop at Travelodge. We didn't even stop at Travelodge. Travelodge.

[00:12:22] But other than that, we really enjoyed it. Stopped in a fucking Airbnb apartment. Yeah. Weirdest thing ever. We had to go and pick up a key from a Londonist. That one weird. Got to Till. He was like, no, I need a six-digit code. And we're like, well, we ain't got a six-digit code. Yeah. I had to go back to the other guy and he says, you need to give me 200 quid on fucking, on Messenger, on Airbnb. We're like, what? Why? He says, for deposit. Like, rate. So, we were responding like fucking within seconds, weren't he, while we were talking to him.

[00:12:50] Billy had sent him 200 quid and we didn't hear back from him again for like another 15 minutes. My heart sank. We've just been done here. I thought, we're going to be stuck in London for a night. Is that nice? London. London. London. We were stuck in London for a night and I've lost 200 quid. Yeah. He replied in the end. He just fucking did his type of good money, didn't he? Because we had to run with his life. Well, not run, but walk with like his suits and that. Walking with my suits like a fucking idiot. Flapping around.

[00:13:18] Like a fucking posh hobo from Chelsea walking with a suit. Yeah, but we experienced the awards night. So, that would just get in there. Yeah. Also, KFC. Why is it so fucking expensive now? Well, when did we have KFC? It cost me nearly 20 quid for a Tower Burger box meal and a fucking large popcorn chicken meal. When did we have KFC? On way to services. Oh, yeah, we did. Is this where you were stud ages like trying to find a fucking coupon?

[00:13:46] I was trying to find a coupon to make it cheaper because I just fucking couldn't believe price. Just do it alive. Yeah. Nearly 20 quid. We'd all let it out. Jack, we're still scrolling for this coupon. Five pound off popcorn chicken? Yeah. And it won't fucking work. You have to download several apps and fucking commit your life to Al-Qaeda. Just to get five quid off for a popcorn chicken box. So, then obviously we went to the awards night. We got all suited and booted. So suited and booted.

[00:14:16] Best me and Billy have looked in ages. We looked fresh. Yeah. Well, yeah, we looked good. Few people took piss out of my dicky bow, but I liked it anyway. Someone's... I can't remember what it was. Someone said, oh, if you just come straight from Crucial Bowl. Yeah. And snooker. That got me. Yeah. Yeah, we're good. It was a lot more networking and socialising than what I thought it was going to be. I thought we were just going to sit down and be entertained and then leave. We had to have a shot. Yeah. To get into the... No, nobody met us.

[00:14:45] Me and Billy met ourselves. Oh, yeah. Because we thought, well, we didn't know it was going to be like this. We'd better get into... I mean, I don't know why we didn't think it was going to be like this. It was an awards night. Do you know why? Because we've never been to an awards either. Exactly. We didn't know how it works. Yeah. It's like losing your virginity, isn't it? You don't know what you're doing. Nope. We just thought we were going to get in, get Tollwood set and shut up and then leave. Yep. Yeah, so me and Billy went and had a shot to get loosey-goosey tequila. I think it got somebody a bit too loosey-goosey, didn't it?

[00:15:14] Yeah, because I got a bit irate. It was just everything. The travel, driving in London. It was overstimulated. That house being worth five million on that triple carriageway. Price of chicken at KFC. I would just reach my limit. And then, at the best moment to ever explode, he does it in a fucking interview we had. Yeah, on camera. Why? Well, why? On a camera, where you kind of, yeah, you went a bit... I didn't say it all bad. No, you didn't say anything bad.

[00:15:44] You just, I don't think that was kind of the vibe he was looking for. Well, he asked me what my feelings were, and I told him. So, the guy comes around and gives you an interview, and obviously came to me and Jack being nominees. And, you know, he asks a bit, like, leading questions, so... No, you went first. Yeah, I went first. I won my rear bloody bullet bar. And then, the only bit I can actually remember is he says, So, what will it mean if you win tonight?

[00:16:09] Like, somebody with the enormous rage inside of him, like, steam coming out of his fucking ears, said, well, it won't be a waste of a fucking trip down M1, will it? For five hours. I'm like, yeah, he's not putting that in. And he never came back to our table. No, he didn't. I don't mean to be like that. Sometimes they're just... It would be funny, though, because everybody just, like, kind of... They were one of them with, like, stopping stare moments on the table. Just everyone just went, the fuck?

[00:16:39] Yeah. Well, I just speak my mind. I don't... I'm not bothered. I'll just speak my mind. Yeah. To be fair, the other guy that were on our table, he did sort of a similar thing. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of. I don't think he was as aggressive, but yeah. Yeah. I weren't aggressive, I was just loud. He didn't nearly, like, fucking Vulcan grip the camera. I weren't aggressive, I was just loud. Just loud. Yeah, but Southerners don't understand that. Yeah.

[00:17:09] Because to me, I weren't being aggressive. I was trying to be funny. Obviously, it came across as not funny. I thought it was funny. Because all our table didn't get included in the interview. What was it? Nobody on our table. It's not even like we were there. Fucking hell. Didn't want to win anyway. No, no. Didn't want to win. So, in the end, it was a wasted trip. I'm sorry. Right. But I'm going to say this. And I don't care if he listens to this. Right?

[00:17:39] Oh, yeah. I don't care if he listens to this. Because I don't ever want to fucking interview him. Because he's a fucking idiot. Who? The guy that did the entertainment. Why would he interview you? I said I don't want to interview him. Oh, right. Okay. You can't. That's just his act. Yeah, that's fair. Sorry, that were a bit harsh. Here we go again. The aggressiveness. Sorry, that were a bit harsh. I apologise to that man. Luckily, we don't know his name. I can't remember his name. We can't even shout him out.

[00:18:08] Yeah, no. But there was an act. Jack didn't like it. But it's his act, so. It's an act. And I think it's the worst act they've ever seen anybody do anything ever. It was completely random. Just, I would left just shell shocked. It was. I didn't speak for a good five minutes afterwards. I just didn't know what to say. It was very niche. Put it that way. I've never seen anybody do that before. That were nicher than a nun doing fucking cocaine on a fucking fighter jet. On a dick. Yeah.

[00:18:36] That were just so in its own element. I just, I were completely dumbfounded. I can't even describe to the listeners what it was. Very intense. Yeah, speaking from the intent of the past. If you, if you picture somebody who's just done five lines of cocaine, popped three pills of MDMA. Injected a bit of heroin. Bitter heroin. Were from Chelsea. Oh, were you from there? No, he just looked posh. Oh, right. It sounded posh.

[00:19:05] He was definitely from London. And then he'd been denied sleep for at least three weeks. He'd been in the Russian experiment. He'd been denied sleep for at least three weeks. And then you give him a notepad and pen and let him come up with a segment and then perform that segment. I reckon that's what you, I reckon that's what you'd come up with. I'd say so, yeah. And I found it stranger that people were like laughing and applauding. Maybe. And I was just like, maybe it's just us.

[00:19:35] Maybe we just didn't get it. Yeah. Maybe I didn't get it. I still don't get it. It's making me lose words now because I'm just confused. And if you ever listen to this, he knows who he is and I apologise. It's just not your fault. It's not your fault the way you acted and who you are. But yeah, it's not your fault. Yeah. I apologise. Okay. Anyway, I think that's enough about the awards night, isn't it? I don't know. I'm trying to remember if there were all else that annoyed me. Well, why don't you think of the good things?

[00:20:07] What were the things that pissed you off on the night? Oh, well, the good things were we got to do some networking with some good people. And we're probably going to have some good guests on soon. Yes, we are. That was probably the best thing that I enjoyed. Yeah, that was good. Also nice to see other people on podcasts that are like just not... Not famous. Not like famous people. Like we were in our category and they were fucking Russell Howard and even Edith win. Yeah. Which I thought were good. Just regular jokes.

[00:20:35] Only one thing though that I will say that... I went back negative. There were quite a few people there that won and they didn't even be arsed to fucking turn up. Exactly. Poor commitment. Actually... They should have just given it to someone else. Yeah. It's like if you're not here, you're not having it. You should have just given it second best. If you can't be bothered to be here, you don't deserve to fucking win. Not travel five hours that fucking M1 to fucking lose to somebody who's not even fucking there. And we're not competitive. No. We don't care at all. I don't care about winning. We took part with a big thing. Yeah.

[00:21:05] That's it. A for effort. Yeah. Sorry. Sorry. I'm not an ignorant person. I am... I'm an extremely optimistic person and I'm not stressful. That wasn't a joke. Oh. I was waiting for you to get stressed about something. No, because I don't get stressed. No. Cool. The doctor says I'm going to die in the next three years if I keep doing this. Heart attack. Yeah. I apologise. I hope people like my stressy arguments. Otherwise... I can't wait for it. It's like... Yeah.

[00:21:35] Oh God. I don't know what it is. Are we done with the award now? Yeah, I think so. Shall we have a quick break for the ads? Oh yeah. Yeah. Adverts. Ooh. Go on then. Enjoy the ads. Enjoy those adverts. Welcome back from the ads. Yeah. I hope you enjoyed them ads. Ooh. Ads in your face. Ads in your face. Anyway. Buy things. Speaking of a bit of a... Not an ad, but of us. Us. Us. What have we done? Me and you. Yeah.

[00:22:06] We're going to go through a bit of a rebrand, aren't we? Remodel. It's not a major thing. Not a major thing. We're not really changing anything other than his logo. Than what everybody sees. The one thing that's about this podcast that's always stayed the same. We're changing it. That thing. Yeah. Theme tune. We're getting a new theme tune as well. Yeah. Only minor things, really. Yeah. But I mean, the way the show fucking works is not being changed. It's just... No. And we're potentially going into a studio.

[00:22:36] The logo's still going to be red, and it's still going to be called Mind Map. It's just a different... Yeah. It's just a different fucking thing. And you'll get to start seeing his lovely faces soon. Yeah. Because we'll be videoing. Yeah. With permission. Billy's going to buy a £3,000 camera set and just video us. I'm not. That's what you said. £4,000. Okay. No, we'll be using his phone more than likely. No, I'm actually going to go look at some cameras. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

[00:23:06] Fucking hell. Some cool ones, to be fair. Fucking hell. You can literally see every fucking insecurity in your face. Great. Fantastic. It's fine. Hairbrush it. We'll have to start wearing makeup. I'll have to start putting fucking D-Shiner on my head. So if it's on my head, it doesn't blind camera. Do you know them LED rings? We don't need it. We'll just put Jack's head in front of you. Nice. In front of your face. Nice. So anyway, apart from awards night, what are we doing?

[00:23:35] It's warm and it's hot. Love it. And I'm trying to stop myself from drinking beer on a Monday night. I think you should cave. I might have a cider. Should I get you one now? No, because I'm driving. Don't drink and drive. Don't drink and drive, people. It's not worth it. I had a barbecue. Have you had a barbecue yet? No, because I need to clean my barbecue. I keep forgetting. I just bought a new one. You said I cleaned it. Is it gone, actually? I left it out on the front. When you came in, was there a barbecue on the front?

[00:24:05] Whereabouts on the front? Like, just banging in front of the drive. I didn't notice one. Oh, that's good. I might be wrong, though, because I didn't really... I mean, I'm sure you'd notice. I didn't really pay attention. It's bright orange and all. What do you mean you didn't pay attention? I didn't pay attention. Where are you walking? Because I was reading an email as I was coming in. Oh. So I didn't really pay attention. Okay. So it might still be there. I don't know. Okay. I'll check. Okay. That's beauty, isn't it? Do do that. What? Any metal objects. You just leave outside. Straight outside at road. Scrap man. Yeah.

[00:24:35] Any old iron. I can't believe they still say that. I hope that never changes. They say that near us. Yeah. Cool. Because I don't know. Is it inappropriate to cut your grass at 7 o'clock in the morning? Yes. Yeah, I also think so. Absolutely. Especially on a Sunday. Somebody on my estate don't fucking not bother. What? They don't cut it? Oh, no. 7 o'clock. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking Saturday morning. Anyway, I did a barbecue. Okay. Sorry.

[00:25:05] Yeah. Carry on. Yeah. It went well. It went well? I cooked. You cooked? Nobody died? Nope. Nobody got burned? Nope. No sausages lost? No. Okay. But what I didn't realise you have to do, so I nearly killed everyone, is when you get a new barbecue, you have to do something called burn it off. Yeah. Burn all chemicals off. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck. You didn't know that? No. But what did... So, basically, can't you just preheat it, not put your food on straight away, leave it five minutes, and then put your food on?

[00:25:35] No, light a fire, let it go for a full fire, and then let it go out, and then start another fire and let you barbecue. I didn't fucking do any of that. Okay. I left it five and ten minutes, and then I'm like, ah, it'll be on. It's burnt. Get it off. Okay, fair enough. You'll be fine. I have got a bit of stomachache. You'll be fine. Are you sure? I'm more impressed that you fucking managed to keep all sausages. I did. I did. Last time I went to Billy's house, and he had a barbecue. Yeah. We've got a ten pack of sausages. We had to share three between six people. It's not my fault. The grills were too...

[00:26:05] Gaps were too big. Yeah, so why are you putting them the same way as the fucking lines of metal? Are you supposed to put them the other way? They had a mind of the road. They liked to roll. They was rolling. Right. Nice. It's all responsibility. What, barbecuing? Yeah. I like it. I kind of enjoy it. But what I noticed is being the barbecuer, or barbecuing, is that you're technically, you took on the role of the chef. Yeah. Aren't you? Yeah. So...

[00:26:35] Apart from, you know, when it's them kind of barbecues where your missus has been inside and sorted everything else out, and you've just cooked meat. And she's probably been cooking for about three hours. No, none of that. And all you've done is stand in front of the grill and just grill some sausages. And everybody thanks you. Yeah. Oh, thanks for a lovely barbecue. Yeah. Nobody says anything to the missus. Yeah. We set the table. Unsung heroes, those women. Yeah. Maybe I should have thanked her, actually. You didn't take it. I would just take it off.

[00:27:02] That was a wonderful barbecue, that Billy. Yeah. No, no time, mate. No. No. Me twirling me spatula like. Yeah. No worries. Just rolled some sausages on a grill. Yeah. The way you flip them burgers. I know, mate. I know. Anyway. You missus has been inside, done some hand-prepared desserts, made her own coleslaw and fucking all sloats. Yeah. I didn't even think of that, to be fair. I can't remember. What am I about now? What am I about? Sorry. The rule. You're in charge of barbecue. You're the chef. You run about it. Oh, yeah.

[00:27:32] You don't eat, do you? I actually think the opposite's true. What? I eat more. As the cook? Yes. See, I didn't eat. I had like a self-care. I feel like I was responsible for everybody there. No, it's Chef Rites. To eat last? No. Chef Rites gets to eat first. Really? Yeah. Is he sure? You know, if there's an aeroplane going down and you're running out of oxygen, do they put your mask on first or somebody else's? Yeah. What do they say? Your own. Exactly.

[00:28:01] So if I'm hungry, nobody else is getting fed first. All right then. Counter. What happens with the captain when the ship goes down? He goes down with your ship. That means he gets to eat all the rest of everything. No, so who gets off the ship first? Women and children. Yeah. So they should eat first. It's got nothing to do with that. I like my analogy better. I like mine. In my analogy, I'm right. You were here. Yeah. So yeah, and I weren't even hungry to say I was cooking at all, probably because I knew what I was cooking.

[00:28:30] Whenever you cook, I find that sometimes when I'm just cooking regular dinner. You just don't get hungry. You lose your appetite. I hate that. What? Cooking or losing appetite? No, like cooking something while you're hungry, but then you've got to wait fucking 15 minutes in air fryer. 15 minutes? What are you cooking? I don't know. That's right fast. It's a chicken or something. I don't know what chicken is. Chicken. What? It's cows then. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. And a can of corn. Yeah, and then it's just all gone, isn't it? The hunger's gone. I hate that. That never happens to me.

[00:28:59] And I've just made a fucking bootload of chicken and pie. Corbs. If I don't quench my thirst for food, my appetite will devour me from the inside out. You ever done the mistake of going food shopping whilst being hungry? Yeah, I just buy loads of crap. Yeah, you don't make one meal, do you? Nope. Out of what you buy? Nope. Yeah. That's first rule. Smart shopper 101. Always have something to eat before you go shopping. Yeah. Or do it online.

[00:29:29] Otherwise, you will come back with seven packs of rich teas, a fucking trifle, and fucking just all sorts of shit. And you plan to have lasagna. Yeah. Just complete bonkers. Yeah. You'll come back and you'll have bought like a 24 pack of cola because you fancied a fucking busy drink. And you're like, I only have a fucking cola once every fucking blue moon. I'm obsessed with Iceland. That is a fucking cool. I don't really shop in Iceland. Lidl is my favourite shop. That's why. Scary in Iceland. Don't they?

[00:29:58] Isn't it all just junk food though? Or have they got some good stuff? I've never been in. So they have like a full wellbeing section. Do they? Where it's just like everything what's good for your body. Oh, nice. Which you can go very... But the difference is to probably that and like Lidl and Aldi and that is Iceland's branded. Yeah, yeah. So everything's like MyProtein branded or... Well, the thing is like with those, when I say like... I mean like processed food. So like if you get it from Iceland, it's all going to be...

[00:30:27] Nine times out of ten, it's going to be processed food, isn't it? Well, no. It's like 100% of the real of what you're having. So like if you get chicken skewers, for example, it's 100% chicken. Yeah, but you can't control what they're putting on that food, can you? Like I never... How can you at Lidl? No, no, no, no, no. Oh, okay. I know it's chicken. It'll be chicken, right? But what they're putting on... If you're buying skewers, they're obviously flavoured, aren't they? Or the unflavoured chicken skewers. I get barbecue. Right, okay.

[00:30:56] So that seasoning, all that sauce on it, you can't control what's in that, can you? Whereas if you just get chicken, you can just season it all yourself. Oh, right, as in if you just buy plain chicken. Yes. So there's all these additives and everything that they put on it to obviously preserve it and stuff. Yeah. All stuff like that. I don't think that way. I just go, ooh, barbecue chicken. But no, it's not that bad, yeah. Nice. But it's expensive. Yeah. It's only like a treat to go to Iceland. It's a treat. Like if... Yeah. Very nice.

[00:31:26] We like... Yellow stickers. Yellow stickers? Yeah. I see you being a bit of a yellow sticker guy. I don't know what that means. Like when it's on, like, back to go out a date. Oh, I always do that. Back to go out a date. Always do that, yeah. Last challenge special. Sometimes, if you look on that though, like... Yeah, but you have like a day to it. Yeah, you've got like a full day to it. And some days it's two days. Oh, like two hours. Some shops now have started saying if it's within two days, they'll sell it discounted. Within two? What, do you have to ask them?

[00:31:55] No, they've just started doing it in shops. Just put it on the aisle. Yeah. That's cool. But yeah. I just think they should just let everything be free if it's like... You know what I mean? What, the chickens? No, not the chickens. Not the chickens. Don't free the chickens. Keep them. I like to eat chickens. Make them bigger. Yeah. I've lost my train of thought. Get it back on track. I like Lidl. Fucking...

[00:32:24] And you're going to say it proud. Spend a tenner and you get a free croissant. Right, so you like the promotions? Yes. You like the free shit? You get a free treat. But are you not just going in there spending a tenner for it sacred just to get your free treat? Well, I'd be doing my food shop anyway. Right. So I might as well do my food shop there and I'll get a free treat. Is it a one-time offer or is it like, say, you spend 50 quid, you get five croissants? No. So that's in a month.

[00:32:54] So you have to spend a tenner in a month. Oh, right. Okay. And you get a croissant. And then if you spend, I think it's 25 quid, you'll get a free fruit or vegetable. So you could buy like a mango. You get a free mango. Nice. Or a pomegranate. Or an avocado. Or a broccoli floret. Whatever you want to call it. A broccoli floret? Floret. That's the big thing, innit? I don't know. Like if you get a broccoli in the shop and it's just... The fresh broccoli. That's a floret, innit? Yeah, mate. It must be.

[00:33:24] I have no idea. Well, I might just be talking... I might just be talking bullshit. It's either a big broccoli or a small broccoli. Yeah, I might just be talking shit. And then at 50 quid... Or 75 quid? Or 100 pound? I don't know. You get free stuff every so often. It keeps going up in like how much it costs. Yeah. You get... If you spend like 150 quid, you get a free fucking little zone shampoo or something like that. Nice. Nice. It gives you dandruff. Yeah.

[00:33:55] Dandruff pre-installed. Have you bought shampoo yet? Like, just by mistake? No, I just buy a fucking... Moisturiser. 8 in 1. There we are. 8 in 1. Just... 8 in 1? Yeah. 8 in 1 what? It's moisturiser, antiproperspirant, shower gel, motor oil. That is a good shout, actually. What do you put on your... Do you just put shower gel on your head now? Yeah, I don't use... I don't use that. I just... I just clean myself. We have all my shower gels everywhere.

[00:34:23] And then I've got some special moisturiser that I put on my head for bald people. Nice. How have you coped in the sun? It's alright. I've had my Factor 50 on my head. So I've been good. But you're like fucking ice cream. On Chrome Dome. It's see-through. It's clear. Oh, is it? Yeah. It's not fucking... It's not... Yeah. Walking about looking like fucking Mr. Whippy. Yeah. Anyway, shall we go to the segment? Yeah. Are we ready? Yes.

[00:34:52] Segment time. Segment time. It is segment time. Yeah. Right. Today's segment... Yeah. ...is... Do-do-do... The debate. The debate. The debate. Great. Non-political. What am I saying? Well, great way to get cancelled. No. No. No, it's a weird debate. Okay. I'm going to be original and call it The Debate. Okay.

[00:35:21] Not like there's like 501 TV shows like that. No, no. We're being uni. No one's done this before. Yeah. I've come up with all the questions. No. Yeah. Debate questions. Whatever you want to call them. And then we'll debate as answers. I have got 20, but I don't think we're going to... We're not going to get through 20. How long have we been doing this already? Feels like we've been doing it a while. Yeah, about half an hour. Is that it? Yeah. All right, okay. We'll do like 15 minutes. Right. Are you ready? The first one, and I reckon you've probably...

[00:35:50] Oh, no, you're not on social media. Well done, Jack, by the way. It's not on social media since... Since that podcast where I realised how long I've been spending on my phone. It's great time. I've still not been on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter. So you're digitally invisible. Right. So you won't have heard it. It is 100 men... Men? Man. 100 men versus one gorilla. The man has no tools.

[00:36:19] It's just 100 men. Men. Mm-hmm. Bare-handed. Mm-hmm. Fight one gorilla. Okay. Have you not heard this one? No, I've no idea what you're asking me. What's the question? Who would win? Who would win? 100 men. Think, really? Silverback gorilla? Yeah. Yeah. You think 100 men. Right, so... Why would you think 100 men? If it was 10... And they've got no tools. Yeah. If it was 10... Yeah, no, it wouldn't work. You're better in the mind.

[00:36:47] One gorilla could probably punch about 10 of us at once. If it were 20, it wouldn't work. If it were 50, it wouldn't work. Because there's a sheer amount of bodies. 100 people, you'd be able to just, like, crowd it and all just pile on it at once, gouge its eyes out, fondle its penis, and it'd run off. No, the game is not to run off, it's to kill it. You could kill it. See, I always think... With 100 people, bare hands, and one silverback gorilla, I genuinely think 100 people could kill it. See, in my head, have you seen The Matrix? The second one?

[00:37:19] Uh... No. Surely you have. I don't know. I can't remember if I've watched the first one. I don't even know what happens. What? I know he does that cool leanback thing, but... Well, anyway, in The Matrix, the second one, people will have seen it. There are two pills, isn't there? The blue and the red pill. That's the first one. Okay. The second one, there's, like, loads of agents. There's a purple pill. And there's about 100 agents, and they all pile on top of him. Is that when they all look the same? Yeah. Yeah. Is that not the first one? That's the second one. Okay. Is that when he does the cool flip? The cool layback? The second one.

[00:37:49] The first one is where he does the cool one. The cool leanback. He didn't do that in the second one? No. Okay. Okay? Yeah. So, in the second one, they all pile on top of him. Yep. And then, like, there's about 100 man. Yep. And... It's not man, it's men. I don't know why. It's because I've written man down. Sorry. My brain's just automatically going man. Okay. I've turned road. Yeah. 100 man's. Yeah. They're on top of him. And he just, like, hooks out, in a way. And I feel like this is what a gorilla would do. Yeah.

[00:38:18] Because of the sheer power, right? Yeah. And they just all, man, fly out, fly away. And then he just goes individually, mate, just like, fucking John Wixon. Yeah, no. So, when I said the men, the 100 men would win, that would require that all of them have no fear. Because you would see, like, two people get absolutely obliterated and then run away. That's generally what would happen. But if you got 100 men that had no fear and they would just thought, fuck it, we're just going to die anyway. Where's I go for it?

[00:38:47] I genuinely think they'd still win. Which one would you want to be? Like, which line? In a line? Say it's all in a line. I would want to be the 99th. Oh, yeah. So, the only way that would work also is if they all attack at the same time. It can't be in a line. If it's in a line, you just, that's fucking... Yeah, if it were one at a time. Yeah. A bit like a Bonnie Blue. One at a time. If it's one at a time, you've got no chance. But if it's all at the same time, again, yeah, they would win.

[00:39:16] Right, okay. I disagree. Okay. But that's what the debate is about. Yeah. Right, okay. Right, the next one to debate is if animals could talk... They're not all animal related, don't worry. If animals could talk, which species would be the rudest? Like, which one do you think could have fucking sass and attitude? A cat. Hmm, that's a good shout. A cat? Yeah. They're already sassy fuckers now. Yeah. They don't let you stroke them, no note.

[00:39:46] I think one of them... What's one of them? What does that with a head? I have no idea what you're doing with your head, Billy. Is it a fucking parrot or something? I have no idea what you're doing. It is that, like... It's the weirdest thing I've seen you do for a long time, though. Like a fucking... I'm a little bit freaked out. Like a 360 thing. Do you mean an owl? No. Yeah, maybe, actually. I just imagine, like, one of them, probably an owl, going, mm-hmm, no. Like, just judging you all the time. Okay, I can see that. But I do agree, actually,

[00:40:15] we're a cat. I think it would be a cat. Have you seen cats? They just knock shit off at side just for the sake of it. Yeah, they just... They're just put on this earth to piss you off. It's got to be a cat, that. I'm sorry. I don't know what else it could be. What colour cat? Any cat. I think they're all the same. No, I think different ones have got different... personalities. I just think cats. I think cats in general... Wasps. No, wasps are just cunts. They're not rude. They serve no purpose.

[00:40:46] Yeah, but they'll be rude, won't they? They'll be like, what are you fucking doing? What are you eating? Let me have some of that. No, I just think they're... Oh, I'll kill you. I feel like they're on roids just going around just going, ah! I need to kill someone! Battle stations! Yeah, just constantly, 24-7 like that. Yeah. Next. Okay. Should cereal be considered a soup? Hmm.

[00:41:16] Er, no. And I also don't think it should be considered breakfast. Hmm. It should be a treat. What? Because it's full of sugar? It's fucking right bad for you, somebody. What about you, anyway? I'd see... We aren't looking at all the nutrition on that, or like on most of them, I don't know, but I'd say most of them are just full of fucking sugar. Oh, special care. And they also, what they do, they'll give you a serving size, so the little tag on front that says, oh, this has only got

[00:41:46] fucking 97 calories in it, that's in a 25 gram of portion. Oh, it's 25 grams of fucking cornflakes, that's like fucking three cornflakes. You fill a bowl up and eat it with milk, won't you? So like, that's not 25 grams of it. So it's, it's like misleading in it, do you know what I mean? So no cereal, no soup. Cereal's fine, I just don't think we should be getting everybody for breakfast. It's a treat, innit? It's a treat breakfast. It depends, like Weetabix isn't a treat, is it? Let's be honest, who enjoys Weetabix? You're only getting one,

[00:42:16] you're only getting one thing out of Weetabix and that's so you can go and have a shit. It is, innit? Okay. But it's not, yeah, but I'm specifically thinking about kids here, the kids don't eat Weetabix, do they? They eat golden nuggets, they eat Cocoa Pops, they eat all these fucking shit cereals, don't they? I fucking love going down to cereal life. It's great, that's what I mean, it's a treat. Yeah. Do you get what I mean? No, I do, yeah. I don't get why it'd ever be a soup. Is it just because it's liquid? Yeah, I reckon that's Angle

[00:42:45] they're going for, innit? Solid. Yeah, but you can have like food, you can have like meat in soup, can't you? Yeah, so. Yeah, meat soup. Exactly. So, it could be classed as a soup, but it's not. In fact, for it to be classed as a soup, doesn't it have to be cooked, whereas milk and cereal, it does not be cooked, it's not cooked, is it? So, a soup has to have a constant cook and it needs to be heated, doesn't it? Whereas you don't do that with cereal. Good point, actually. So, I would say no, it's not soup. So, you can't have cold soup.

[00:43:16] Yeah, but it'll have been cooked beforehand, otherwise it's not soup. What about vegetable soup? That'll have still been cooked, otherwise it's just water and vegetables in it, that's not soup, is it? The soup has got to be cooked and it's got to be cooked in it, so everything cooks with each other. Yeah, everything in the soup has been cooked, hasn't it? Or steamed or whatever. Everything's been cooked. Like noodles. Like in the broth or whatever. So, no, cereal is not soup. The soup is cooked. You're wrong. I'm wrong or you're wrong? No, this is wrong. Okay, the question's wrong, yeah. Don't get fucking hysterical. I'm not.

[00:43:47] What, are you going to give me a vibrator? Don't make me drink it, yeah? Let me find a funnier one. Oh, this... No. Is a hot dog a sandwich? Technically, yes. Because it's on bread? Because there is a middle and two bread ends. Is that the only thing you have to find as a sandwich? Yeah. So two pieces of bread. Two pieces of bread and a filling. That's a sandwich. What about if I just said two pieces of bread with no filling? It's not a sandwich.

[00:44:17] What is it? That's double toast. I've not toasted it. I've just ate two random pieces of bread just together. Ow. Well, that's double uncooked toast. Is that a sandwich? No. Is that just eating bread? You've just ate bread? Yes. Because you've just completely bypassed everything that I said. There's two end pieces and a middle. There's a filling. Does that define a sandwich? There's a filling in between the two pieces of bread. That's a sandwich.

[00:44:45] But a regular sandwich is top, middle, bottom. Hot dog defines that. What? The sandwich is you've got your top, your bread, your layer, your bread. A hot dog, you go horizontal. See, this is... Yeah, but your thing's just floored immediately because that depends on which way you're looking at it. If you take your hot dog and turn it sideways, because you don't eat your hot dog horizontal, do you? Do you eat your hot dog holding it like that?

[00:45:14] Yeah, with the dog sticking out. Exactly. So it's that way. What way do you hold it? You don't want that. Exactly, right. What way do you hold a sandwich? Like that. Exactly. So it's still the same way. It's still a sandwich. If you were to hold the hot dog vertical, then it's not a sandwich, is it? So technically a burger is a sandwich, isn't it? Yeah, technically. Burger sandwich. It's technically a sandwich, yeah. Hmm. Good debate.

[00:45:44] I could be completely wrong about all these, by the way. I'm not... That's beauty about debate. Yeah, I'm not. Freedom speech. Don't take my opinion as fact because it's not. Say it, baby. I'm wrong a lot of the times. I don't want to admit that. Okay. If we could communicate with aliens, should we tell them about our existence? No. Why? Because we don't know if they're hostile or not. They might think, look at that stupid little chimp over there. Why don't we just come and steal all this stuff? Yeah, but flip it.

[00:46:14] They might be little bitches and we're the hostile ones. Right. Well, as it stands, we can't go very far in space. We can't even go... We can't even fucking moon. We can't go to Mars and back. Well, we can. It just takes a while. We can, but I think every... We've put a machine on it. Yeah, but we've never sent anybody to Mars. Well, they've all been. It's a one-way trip as far as I'm aware. I might be wrong because there's been advances recently. But as far as I'm aware, I think it's still a one-way trip to Mars.

[00:46:45] So in your theory, if we went over and stole their stuff, we'd never come back with it. So has anyone landed in Mars? No. Are you sure? There's been machines that have landed in Mars, like rovers and stuff. How did they get the rover there? Never a human being. It's the same way. A rocket and landed it on there and then drove it out of the landing pad, whatever you would call it. Yeah, you're right. No humans. No human has ever been to Mars. No human. I think we should tell them we're here. And collab. All right.

[00:47:17] Do a collab. Get them on TikTok. In your theory, you're just pitching out a signal just to any unknown entities. In space. No, we've already communicated with him. We're already in communications with him. Are we? Yeah, so it says... Are you sure about that? It says... It says... Don't get me wrong. I think aliens... I genuinely think... I think life on other planets exists. I genuinely do. I've lost it. I just don't know if we should be broadcasting.

[00:47:45] If we could communicate with aliens, should we tell them... Oh, so if we could communicate with him. Yeah, I don't think so. Because also, we're a one planetary species. We've not found a way to... We're not? We've got lots of species. No, we're a... Right. Human beings. Homo sapiens. We're a one planet species. We only exist on this planet. Oh, okay. We've not found a way... I thought you were meaning like there's only humans. We are stuck on Earth.

[00:48:14] We've not found a way yet to live on any other planet. So, as it stands... In this universe. As it stands, we've got no escape velocity. So, we're just stuck here. So, no, I don't think we should broadcast that until we could potentially leave. In case they come and just, you know, just... Yeah, it's like predators or something. Like the predators. Proper fuckers up, yeah. Yeah. Next. But then they could be little babies. Aliens. If you could eat one food for the rest of your life...

[00:48:44] Steak. Okay. Besides bread and water, what would it be? You'd eat steak. Yep. Forever. Yep. Why? Love steak. Steak and salt. Right. You were a fucking vegan, like... Two years ago. Steak. You'd eat steak. Partially mooing as well. Don't you have to be a bit clever and choose the food what's going to sustain you the most? Would it still be steak? Mm-hmm. Like, you're only ever going to eat that food. Mm-hmm.

[00:49:12] I'm not on board with carnivore diet either. It's just that if that's... It's just taste. Yeah. I'd just eat steak. I would probably... Hmm. Hmm. What do I really like? Also, don't forget, coming from your logic about sustaining yourself. Eggs. Yeah, I could see that. Yeah, I reckon you probably could... Scrambled eggs. I don't think the variation of the egg matters.

[00:49:41] It's just the food. Very important. It's got to be scrambled. It's got to be scrambled. Take it back. I reckon you could survive off... I reckon off eggs. Yeah. There were 831. I found. I thought you'd be good at it. Or whatever it said. Oh, I know, yeah. So, if you could only communicate through one sound for the rest of your life, what sound would it be?

[00:50:13] That's it. Just different variations of that. Do another one then. That sounds completely different. I'd do, like, minions. Like, how they communicate. Okay. Go think. Give me an example. You just made me do that. I'm trying to think now. You just made me do that. You've got to say it. What does a minion say now? I don't know. I've not watched it. Like Ooga Booga and all that. No, it's not. It's not. Nope. Banana. Nah. It's just complete random gibberish. That's what it is. Yeah, it is. Yeah. Cool. Cool debate.

[00:50:43] Wait, let me just find one last one. A juicy one. And then we can leave. Anytime today. I've got it. People are listening. I've got it. People are switching off as it. I've got it. Right. Would you rather have the ability to fly, but only while in your pyjamas, or be invisible, but only when you sneeze?

[00:51:12] How long does the invisibility effect last after I've sneezed? Just for argument's sake. Five minutes. So I get to be invisible for five minutes after I sneeze? After you've sneezed, yeah. Invisible. What would you do? What? You wouldn't want to fly? I'd carry around a pot of pepper with me at all times, just so I could make myself sneeze. And then... I would wear my pyjamas under my clothes. Loophole. Yeah, okay. And then I'm off, mate. Go on.

[00:51:42] I'd rather turn invisible. Why? I think it's cooler. To do what? A pivot. Why has your brain gone straight to that? Well, what other benefit are you going to get from being invisible? You sicko. You're sick. I don't know if that thought never even came into my mind. Oh, well, I did it though. Nope. What were you going to do with it then? I was going to save people. Oh, yeah. I was going to save puppies stuck in trees. And how... Why can't you do that uninvisible? Because... You don't get special climbing abilities because you're invisible.

[00:52:11] No, but there's less restrictions. Why? You've got your son into a corner here. I can... I can go anywhere I want. No trespassing signs don't matter to me for five minutes. Right. So I can go wherever I want. And do what? Just be free. Why do you want to be free in a no trespassing zone? I could walk into a bank and just... Oh, so you're going to do criminal activity. Is that where you've gone? Nope.

[00:52:38] I could walk into a bank and play a funny joke. And I'll just deposit money. You could be a magician. Yeah. I'd be a fantastic magician. There we go. Yeah. I'd be the world's richest magician. I fucking saved you there. Yeah. I would fly. Why would you want to fly, Billy? You could just go anywhere you want, can't you? Why? Why do you want to? I'd run away. Why? So what pisses me off, I'm gone. What are you running away from, Billy? My... Responsibilities? My demons. Okay. My inner demons. Okay.

[00:53:06] Well, I can't do anything perverted like you are, thinking. You can't? Not while flying. You can't molest somebody on the other side of the planet and then fly off? No, that's just ridiculous, isn't it? What? Why? I could still get caught. How? Because they've seen my face. Not if it's in dark. Oh, right. Okay. Is that how they've gone away with it for years? It's not my fault you want to be a molesting fucking flying person. You want to do that? No. Being invisible so they don't see you? Nope. You're sicko. Nope. You're sick. Nope. You're mixed.

[00:53:36] Imagine how many crimes I could stop being invisible. I'd be a superhero. You can stop them now. You haven't got super strength. No, but they'd know where I am and they'd shoot me. Whereas if I'm invisible, they wouldn't know where I am. They might just start spraying in a circle. They're still going to shoot you. I'll lay off floor. They won't know where I am. I'll lay off floor. It won't be my first rodeo. I'll practice stealing stuff from grannies first. But don't forget, you've got to sneeze first. Yeah, exactly. So they're going to look, you're going to go, achoo. They're going to look and go, bang.

[00:54:05] I'm not bothered if they look at me. I'll sneeze, go invisible, and then run immediately to the left. Like 50 metres. Right, okay. I'll always be wearing indoor sliders so my shoes never make a noise for when I'm running. Oh yeah, because I can still hear you. Yeah. And I'm going to make sure I'm always doing cardio so that when I do that first sprint, they can't hear me panting like fuck. Just straight corners. Just nobody digger.

[00:54:35] Anyway, good debate. Yeah, let's wrap it up. Okay, thanks guys. Goodbye. Cheers guys. This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit podomity.com.