This can't be real

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[00:00:36] Should we do a podcast? What would we even call it? MindMap! Alright, go on then. Welcome back to another episode of MindMap with Billy and Jack. Nobody fucking cares about that. Did you know that the Sahara Desert, one of the driest places on Earth,

[00:01:04] used to be home to vast mega lakes the size of entire countries? So the desert that there's no water is now... Used to have water, is that basically it? Yes. That's cool. Why'd the water go? What? Why did the water go? I don't know. Global warming? No, I don't know. It's just a shifting of hydrological cycles. It's tied to the African monsoon season. Right. The deserts are in Egypt. Yeah, so do you know where the Sahara Desert is?

[00:01:34] It's like all of North Africa, innit? Do you know what I mean? Egypt is Africa, innit? Oh yeah. So, around like 9,000 to 5,000 years ago, during the African human period, there used to be mega lakes. I'm talking like 350,000 kilometers squared, sized lakes. That's cool. Like, there's some of them that were like, size of the UK. Like a lake. The size of the UK. Is that what they think they can see?

[00:02:03] When they say there's an oasis? So, that's where... So, the Sahara Desert did used to be an oasis. It used to have lush green vegetation in there and all sorts. But obviously it dried up and stuff. So, they existed around 9,000 to 5,000 years ago. And then also about 105,000 years ago to 80,000 years ago. Wow. That's a long time. They know that from the... They found ancient shorelines of these lakes.

[00:02:31] And they've also found like sediments at the bottom of these basins and stuff. Of water? No. So, it's like stuff that you would... It's like sediments that you would expect to find at the bottom of a lake. But they've also found these in the Sahara Desert. Oh. One of them is called Mega Lake Chad. I mean... Lake... It's in the country, Chad. Lake Chad exists today, but it was a mega fucking lake. It was massive. Definitely megalodons in that. Yeah. Yeah, that's it. That's cool. So...

[00:03:01] I ain't got many questions on that to be fair. So, it didn't used to be a barren wasteland. It used to be a lush green paradise. I think they'd think that that's what facilitated homo sapien movement from like lower Africa into like Europe and stuff. Because the oasis was green. The Sahara Desert was green and stuff like that. Wow. Do you think you could survive in a desert? No, I don't. I don't think anybody could survive in a desert. I think that's probably the hardest place to survive in it. Yeah, there's no fucking water. How would you drink?

[00:03:30] Well, you'd find a cactus or something. Well, okay. I mean, people do it. People live in a desert, but... Well, they don't live in the desert, do they? They've like just built somewhere in a desert. Hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Pyramids. Yeah. Built out in a desert. But Egypt used to be like a lush paradise. Yeah, we're like gods and that. Egyptian gods. That has no relevance to the lush paradise thing. Maybe they were near dying and they took the water away. No.

[00:03:59] The water thing is linked to the African monsoon season, which is tied to the precession. No gods. Which is... No. Besides it. Precession. I don't know how you say it. It's a 21,000 year cycle. It's to do with Earth's orbit around the sun. And it's also like the tilt of the wobble of the earth. Because the earth doesn't just... The earth's not upright. It's slightly wonky like that. Yeah. And then it also spins and then it tilts as well. Yeah. I know that. Because the dinosaurs died.

[00:04:30] That's when it tilted. I remember something from history. Is it? Yeah. That's when the asteroid hit. And it hit and wiped them out, didn't it? And it like... So that's it. That's the earth. Right. And it went... Bang! And then it just went... Oh, okay. I didn't know that. Yeah, see? I knew that. You're going to fact check me out here. I am a little later date. Yeah, not now. You're just going to... I swear, that's what they taught me.

[00:04:59] I'm not saying I don't believe you. You were in the same class. We were? Yeah, we were in the same classes. What do you mean? At school. You remember that from secondary school? Yeah, that's where I remember it from, yeah. Oh, okay. Are you sure it's from secondary school and not like a TV show? No. It might be. I've definitely heard it. It's definitely true. Okay. Should I do my joke? Yeah. It's a bit cheap, this one. My... My... Oh, no, don't. Right. I'm thirsty. You're not.

[00:05:29] Right, just for everybody. Before we've set up, it keeps drinking fizzy popping like choking at the same time. Because it does something in my stomach, I don't know what it is, but it all comes back up. Well, you obviously enjoy it because you keep fucking drinking it. It's a nice sensation. I'll wait till you've done it before I start my joke. I think the fizziness has gone now. Oh. It's not as fizzy anymore, so we're good. It's gone like flat. It's just because it was fresh. It just cracks it open. Okay. So... I can't do it.

[00:06:04] Can I go? So my wife asked her doc... I'm waiting for it. I can't concentrate. Well, I did that without doing the noise then. I knew you felt it. You felt it without me even doing it. Give me some assurance that you're not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. Okay. Because I need to read this. My wife asked her doctor if she should... Sorry. I'll shut this whole thing down. I'm sorry. Carry on. I'm sorry.

[00:06:31] My wife asked her doctor if she should have kids after 40. He told her, no, 40 is more than enough. Sorry, I weren't listening. Sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I was looking at you, bro. I'm so sorry. I was on that. My wife asked her doctor if she should have kids after 40. He told her, no, 40 is more than enough. Oh. I don't have more than 40 kids. Right. Okay. Great. Sorry. I completely zoned out. Anyway.

[00:07:01] Hello, guys. Hi. We don't know what it sounds like in this new location. New location. We're in a new location. Location. Location. If it's echoey, we just need to do a practice run. And we haven't got the tech to fix the echoey. Echoey. No. So you're just gonna have to fucking deal with it. Yeah. So you're just gonna have to fucking deal with it. That's the end of it really. Do you want to tell them where we are? We're in a new environment. I don't, we've already said that. Tell them where we are. You fucking idiot. We're in my garage.

[00:07:31] Don't sound this fucking funny when you say that. No, why did you say garage? It's not a garage anymore, is it? It's not a garage anymore. You don't park a car in here, do you? It's a man cave. It's a man cave. It's a man cave. Slash studio. So just like the Sahara that used to be lush and green, well opposite way, just like, I don't know what kind of reference I'm getting here. So like the desert where it used to be wet and lovely and amazing. No, no, no, no.

[00:07:58] It's now a sand filled desert. We've time traveled back to Billy's garage and it's now a man cave. Yeah, it's cool, isn't it? Yeah. Got a bar. Ah, got a bar. Just dropped some. It's not level if you didn't hear that. Got a bar. We've got some cool ornaments. We've got some merch, mind map. Got new merch, with new logo on it. Here we go. Show it to the camera. We've come into a conundrum because Billy... Oh, yeah.

[00:08:28] Here we go. Flash the merch. Yeah, so Billy, he likes having his t-shirts and jumpers and stuff, which is fine. And I used to wear mine all the time, like, I took shop and that, because it's just, it's fine. It's like free advertising. But now we've changed his logo and the logo has got mine and Billy's face on it. So if I go to shop wearing a picture with my face on it, I just think I seem a bit like a cunt, to be honest. Yeah, you do. You will. Yeah. So I don't think I could wear it out in public now.

[00:08:57] I mean, that guy looks like he really loves his cell phone. Yeah. Walking around with your picture of him, he's selling it. Look at that guy wearing a picture of his cell phone. He's just gaslighting people and saying, it's not me. It's not me. It's not me. It's not me. It's not me. So yeah, so we've got cool new merch, but yeah, you won't see me and Billy wearing it because we're not that egotistical. And if you would like some, hit us a DM. Yeah. And we might give you one for free. Yeah.

[00:09:27] But you have to promise to wear it. And also listen to the show. Well, yeah, that's a main part of it too. Yeah. And tell a friend. But obviously they won't know that off her if they don't listen to the show. So that's redundant. Yeah, so it's kind of. Yeah. Listen to them all. Yeah. And so yeah, that's cool, innit? Sorry. The thing is now we're on camera, so you can't just like pull weird faces like you just did. I didn't pull a weird face. Oh, well, you did something weird. I didn't do it. I was about to cough.

[00:09:56] Well, why did you like go all exorcist and not your fucking benching egg back? Because I moved at what I thought I did. You caught you, mate. Yeah, I didn't move that. I thought I moved that to camera. 24-7 some of the aliens now. Yeah. I thought I'd move that away. Erm, yeah. So we've got new merch, new studio. We won't have to set everything up every fucking time. No. So it'd be good. New life.

[00:10:23] Billy's, but you can't see as well, Billy's got a fucking 86 inch plasma screen TV down there and all. Yeah. That we can play FIFA on. That's for the podcast, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That has nothing to do with gaming or anything like that. Yeah. It's a tax write off. It's on business. It's business expensive. Yeah. I need it. What that's for is when guests eventually turn up here, we're going to have a waiting screen like they do at dentist or you know, NHS. That's what's going to be on that big screen. Yeah. It'll just take them about four weeks to come on.

[00:10:54] Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, how's life? Uh, great. I'm tired, but I'm, I'm all right. I've, uh, finished uni for the year. Wait. The fuck it's June. Yeah. That's when academic year finishes. Well, it's like exam season, but my exam season's finished early. Well, we went through this last time. It wasn't an exam season, was it? Well, we've got two exams. Yeah. So it wasn't an exam season. It was an exam week. That's what it was. Yes.

[00:11:20] But there were two essay style exams, which is all. So you get given a question and then you have to write a full fucking essay without access to internet. So you've just got to use your brain knowledge. So I've just, I reckon I've just spouted some absolute shit. When will you know if you pass? Like next year? No, it'll be like, uh, end of next month, I reckon. If you don't pass. I have to retick it. Okay. Before you can go into next year. Yes. I love past.

[00:11:47] There's no, but if I failed, I'll be very surprised because I've remembered enough information. I think that's very fucking bold of you. It's not because it'd be bold if I said, Oh, I think I've got a first. I'm not saying that. Yeah. Right. I'm saying I pass, which means I've got 40 marks out of 100. That's good. No, I don't know if I, well, I don't know if I, but I'm, I'll be surprised if I don't get 40 marks. So you need his 40. To pass. Yeah. Right. So you only could fuck up 60 times. Yes.

[00:12:16] When you say that, it sounds like you should really pass. Well, there's people that fail. Well, yeah. 100%. Because the, for one of his modules, they get us like some, some previous years exam questions and then some, and it told you how many people had answered that question and what mark they got. And there were some people that failed. I'd be so offended if they used mine as that. Yeah. Look at this idiot. He failed this question. He couldn't even put his name right. Yeah. Minus one.

[00:12:46] We start the exam minus one. That's what some people do though. I mean, it depends on markers. I've spoke to people, but like, uh, some people start at 100 and then, uh, just did like tech points off as they start working through it. Whereas some people start at zero and then give your points as they start working through it. Do you see the, so you see the names, don't they? Like of the people who took them previous exams. No. Oh, you don't see the names. No, no, no. I would say you could fucking. No, it just tells you how many people attempted the question and what marks they got. So it didn't tell you any names or all that. He'll ask you his AI.

[00:13:16] But there's no access to the internet. About your phone. No. It's got to be turned off and in your bag. Yeah. No smartwatches. No nothing. No. Like pat your down before you go in. Yeah. I can't fucking write all of them, he said, and then have a look at when I happens to toilet stuff. Yeah. Yeah. No, I can't do any of that. Oh. That's shit. I do have access to a computer though, I just can't go into it. Oh yeah. Do they block it? I think it's blocked. I've never tried to go into it, obviously.

[00:13:43] Do you reckon that, like, do you know, like, just in exams in general, do you know that you have them people that walk around? Mm. Them, eh, vigilators. Mm. Do you think they actually give a fuck? Uh, yeah, it's the job they'll get sacked. Really though? Like, on a, on a, like, deep down level, they don't care, no. No. But if, if something's obviously going wrong, then yeah, they'll be like straight on it. I think I'd be really good as one of them. Do you? I'd be whispering in people's ears. Like what? You fuck that up. And just walk up. Fuck it up. That'd be funny.

[00:14:13] You just walk up to it. You fuck that question up. Yeah. And just walk up. That's fucking shit, man. That's fucking... Or if it's a photo book choice. P. P. It's P. It'd definitely be. It'd be. Right, so... Emma had a multiple choice example the day, right? Get this for a quiz. Right, for a question. Yeah. What it's got to do with psychology, anyway, I have no idea. The question was, who was the first king to implement a psychology practice or something like that?

[00:14:43] Right, yeah. And the multiple, the answers, so like the ones you could pick were all king names. So you had to... And it were like in 1800s or something like that? I know answer. Why is that relevant? I know answer. Go on then. Henry Ape. No, it wasn't. He's got to be the one who were batshit crazy and psychological... No. Well, he had eight wives. No. And he didn't do psychological torture. It's not psychological torture. Well, he must have invented it. No, no, no, no, no. That's not what I said. What did you say? I didn't say psychological torture. Well, you said something about psychological. It's like a psychological, I don't know, something. Something to do with psychology. Who were I?

[00:15:13] It wasn't Henry VIII, put it that way. Right, I bet... It was King Nebuchadnezzar. Oh, yeah. Yes. I bet... But just going back to Henry Ape, I bet he were really good at mind games. I don't think that's got all to do with it. I think it was just back then he got a sheer amount of power that he could make anybody do anything. I don't think he had to have mind games. Well, his wife said that he had mind games. He didn't have to have mind games. What, he could just tell them? Yeah, you're my wife now. If you're not, I'm gonna kill you. Done. Oh. That's it. That's the kind of power they had. Oh.

[00:15:42] So, maybe he wasn't. Yeah, he didn't need to have mind games. He just got an army. He was the king. Would you love it if somebody from the 1800s came in today? They'd have a stroke as soon as they went into a shop. It just goes up to... I can't imagine. If he went up to Becca and went, mate, you're my wife. She's fucking decking me. What the fuck? Things have changed. They'd have a stroke. Make it go back. They'd have a stroke before that. They'd just go onto road and be like, what the fuck is that? It's a car. What is that? It's a lamppost. What is that? It's tarmac.

[00:16:13] It'd be everything. Yeah. I can remember one of the questions that I got asked. Let's see if you could answer it. You've got to do an essay style, so you've got to write at least a page and a half. Right, can we just bear in mind you've had a year of practicing and you're putting this on me and on the spot. So, explain the properties of radiocarbon dating or luminescence dating and the assumptions that come with it. Right, so radio is, I'm guessing radiation. Can I break the question down?

[00:16:42] Because obviously I have no idea what any of it is. Yeah. So, is radio referring to radiation? I actually don't know anything about radiocarbon dating. I did that question, but I did it for luminescence dating. So, I don't really know much about radiocarbon dating. Right, well, carbon dating is trying to date something from the history, innit? That's carbon dating. Yes. And what were it? Radiocarbon dating. Yeah. And what were the other ones? Luminescence. Is that light? Yeah. That's light, innit? Yes. So, luminescence is carbon dating? No.

[00:17:12] So, it's not? Nothing to do with carbon dating. What? I thought that was the question. No. So, explain the properties of radiocarbon dating or luminescence dating. Okay. So, is luminescence dating then just like saying when lights were invented? I don't know. No. Good try. You're good on lights though. You got that right. Well, we're only from like- It's to do with reflectance of like minerals.

[00:17:42] Oh, okay. So, you could take like- Mine was all Harry Potter theories. Oh, okay. Because he does that spell. You can take like sand grains from like anywhere if you found like a relic landforms and like that and what it is, it's exposed to radiation when it's buried and that radiation like continues to, it continues absorbing the radiation, these minerals like quartz and feldspar.

[00:18:09] But when it's exposed to light, it resets the energy. So, if you can get that mineral, we're exposing it to light or heat and then get it back to the lab and then you stimulate it with light, it'll do a massive reflectance so that you can see how much energy it's generated and then you can tell how long it's been buried for. Wow. That's clever, isn't it? It's interesting. Is that what you would put? In a nutshell, yeah. Yeah. Cool. So, do you think you passed that one? I think so.

[00:18:38] Fingers crossed. I've got that completely wrong. Yeah. It doesn't mean that at all. It means how fast does the light travel, Jack? Yeah. Yeah. What else has been going on with me? Yeah. I have no purpose anymore now that I've finished. I've just been sat playing on Xbox for... So, you reverted back to a teenager boy? Yeah. I've been playing FIFA. First time I've played FIFA in probably about a year and a half. Maybe even longer. You smashed pad up yet? No.

[00:19:08] No. Because I'm too good for professional difficulty, but I'm not good enough for world class level. There's people on this list probably laughing at you right now. What does that mean? Like, because they'll play like fucking ultimate... Ultimate sweat level. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but I'm not a sweat. So... But yeah, I'm too good for professional. Because I'll get like fucking five to nine goals a game. Mm.

[00:19:35] And then I'll go on world class and I'll lose to QPR. Like, I just got... Do you keep it realistic? What does that mean? So like, you don't just... Because sometimes... Obviously, I'm big FIFA. I'll have different career modes where I do different and I'll set different rules. So if I do... I didn't know you could change rules. No, like just in myself. Oh, right. Okay. Obviously, you can do what you want, can't you really? But like, if I'm a lower league team, I won't buy big players.

[00:20:04] I'll only buy either from Academy or... Well, you've only got the money that you've got anyway. Like, you can't have any money. Yeah, but you can change it now, can't you? So you can go on to let's say you want to be... Rotherham United. Oh, well, that's all mine were. And I had five mil for the entire transfer budget. Oh, right. On this one, you can change transfer. You can change how much money you've got. You can change it on that one. Yeah, that's what I mean. I could have started with 50 million if I wanted to. Yeah, that's what I mean. But what's the fucking point? Well, yeah, that's... I'm not going to go out and buy a fucking brand new fucking team.

[00:20:33] Or like, you go and, I don't know, you be... Man U and you go and buy a Mpappe, fucking... Ronaldo, Messi and all that. Well, you can do that really, because I think for their transfer funds... Yeah, but it's not realistic, is it? They've got like fucking 350 million, haven't they? For transfer funds for Man United. Yeah, but it's not realistic. It'll not happen. It wouldn't ever happen, would it? I don't know. You're like not going to get all and Mpappe and Jamal all in the same team. You're never going to happen. That's never going to happen. What, one transfer window? Yeah. I don't know. Have they bought any... Like, when's next transfer window? For what?

[00:21:02] In real life or in... In real life. Now. Why? It's not... Yeah, well, it's weird. It's weird this year. So, let me try and explain. From the 1st of June to the 10th of June, the transfer market is open. Why? Because there is... So it's open for like... 10 days. Because there's a competition called the Club World Cup. This is a new thing? No, it's happened in ages. But it's the first time they've ever done this.

[00:21:31] So what that allows is for them teams that are playing in the Club World Cup, they can make their transfers now. So they can play them players in the Club World Cup. But they couldn't just restrict it to teams in the Club World Cup. They had to obviously be fair and let everybody do it. So everybody at the minute can buy players from now to the... From the 1st of June to the 10th of June. Yeah? Then it closes on the 10th of June. And then it reopens 1st of July, I think.

[00:21:59] And back to your normal summer transfer. Well that's just fucking daft, isn't it? Well that's just fucking daft, isn't it? Well it's so them teams in Club World Cup can get all the signings in and... When you say Club World Cup, who plays in Club World Cup thing? So... Is it all big teams? Or is it like little teams? Well it's all big teams around world. Right, okay. So it's like, you know, I think this year, Chelsea's in it, Man City's in it, Liverpool's in it. Right, okay. Like Real Madrid are in it, Barcelona are in it. How many substitutions can you make now? In real life? Yeah. Five.

[00:22:28] So it's gone up on it, it's no longer three. But five, so you can make five, but only in three windows. So you only get three opportunities to make five substitutions. So if you make three sub... If you say, right, you come off, and then next sub you just do one person, and then sub after you just do one person. That's it. Oh! Okay, so you've only got three opportunities to make... To make five subs. Yeah, I get what you're saying. Um, okay. Yeah, cheers. Cheers, thanks. Yeah. Football. I'm trying to...

[00:23:00] Spark my interest again. Now your stress levels must have gone down because you've done your exams. Get back in, have a look. You want something to replace your stress? Yeah, I'm gonna dip my toes in. Fucking get back in seeing what Manu was doing. Yeah. What are they doing? So they've made a transfer. They were up for two players in this window of opportunity. They're not in the Club World Cup. Okay. Um, they were shit. So they've just signed a player called Kuna. No idea what that is. He played his place for Wolves.

[00:23:29] Okay, is he good? Brilliant. Fucking fantastic. Brazilian. Okay. 60 million. 60 million?! Mm. Release clause and all. Cheap that, to be fair. Is it? For him, yeah. I mean, he might have been... Well, yeah. Probably could have gone for about 70. And then we've gone in for... You're telling me Wolverhampton have got a 60 million worth player? Oh well, let me shock you. Every Premier League team's got a 60 million worth player. What?! Easy. Easy.

[00:23:58] What's the transfer funds just happened over the last five years? Well no, value of players have just gone up, haven't they? Alright, okay. As inflation goes up, players' value goes up. Right. So you get young lads now, that, you know, they might get... They might be 19 and... Oh I know, but that's like Jude Bellingham and stuff like that, isn't it? And he's worth like 100 mil or something? More. No, he's like 300. Yeah, okay. I think... I think he might have a 1 billion release clause. Yeah, I'm not surprised. Yeah, go on.

[00:24:24] And then in talks we have a new guy now called Brian Mbweno from Brentford, who's a winger. What, we're just buying all the low league team players? They're not... The thing is, they're not low league anymore. They finished above us, for a start. What, Brentford? Yeah. Yes. Brentford? Yes. Oh God, I've been out of football. They were like a championship team. No, they've been to Premieres. And they've been really good, for years. Fucking hell. Am I thinking...

[00:24:53] Do you not know who Ivan Tony is? Yeah. Well, that's who we used to play for. Last season. Fucking hell, I'm so out of football. I don't have a nose in what they are. You might need a week just to figure everything out again. It's like you've been in a coma and then just let me... Yeah. I think last time I paid attention to football, it was when they got promoted. But so they're still up? Who? Brentford. Yeah, they're like fighting for top six. Fucking Brentford? Yeah. Newcastle are in Champions League. What?

[00:25:22] I understand the Newcastle thing though, because they've had like Saudi takeover haven't they? No. So, these rules. So they've not been allowed to spend any of their money. Oh. Because of PSR. I don't know what that is. That's... I think we're doing way too much football talking for the podcast. We'll have an afternoon. And I'll just run through everything. Yeah, because people switched off about 20 minutes ago. So... Yeah, we'll have an afternoon. I've got something to say on all. One of us new avid listeners pointed out that we got lobotomies wrong.

[00:25:53] Lobotomies is not when you cut the skull open to relieve pressure of the brain. What we said last week. They literally cut your skull open and they get a knife and they cut sections of your brain out. Nice. Well, we're very sorry that we got that wrong. We got that very wrong. Yes. Is that it? Are you done? Yeah, sorry. Can I talk to... I've got loads to tell. Yeah, go. But before that, let's just go for a break. What for? A break. A break? For the ads. Oh, an ad break.

[00:26:23] Sorry guys, it's an ad break. See you guys, guys. Bye. Let's talk about your dream tip. Oh, it's difficult. Let's go. Okay. He has to be for every adventure and of course look great. And he has to never wait for me. It sounds disgusting after the new Ford Puma Gen E. He runs faster than your smartphone from 10 to 80% in only 23 minutes. Hmm. Then I have to try to go.

[00:26:52] The new Ford Puma Gen E. Now try to go on Ford. The Puma Gen E. Welcome back. Did you enjoy them ads? So, what I've been up to, oh my God. Talking about you all this fucking time. Doing boring shit. I've been to fucking Milan. Yeah, no one cares. I care. Go on. I care. I've been to Milan. Yeah. I've been to Switzerland. Yeah. I've been to Lake Como. You're a fucking dickhead.

[00:27:21] I went to see the best band in the world. Live. Debitable. Very debatable. Look at the wall. Tell people what the band is. Look at the wall. Tell people what the band is. Imagine Dragons. Right. So, we're going to do a poll and we're going to see how many people vote. The poll is going to be, is Imagine Dragons the best band in the world? It's going to be a yes, no. I don't think you'll be like, shockingly surprised. I won't. You will? I won't. They're alright, but they're not the best band in the world. Every song sounds exactly the same.

[00:27:51] No, it doesn't. Every, you see, you'll smile because it doesn't. I went to see them. I've seen them in the flesh. There's at least five songs that sound exactly the same. No, they don't. I promise you, they don't. Oh, okay. Anyway, so yeah, I'm like, practically Italian and all. Give me five words in Italian. Five words in a sentence. It can't just be random words. Five words in a sentence. No, that's not fair.

[00:28:19] No, because you can't just say hello, thank you, goodbye. I can't do it in a sentence. Right. What thing I can like be Italian? Go on, give me five words then. Buongiorno. Is that your best accent? Buongiorno. Do you have to do the end movement as well? Yeah. I always do that. Buongiorno. Okay. Ciao. Oh, ciao, ciao.

[00:28:48] Right. Prego. I'll talk to you about prego in a minute. What's the other one? Shit. How many is that? Three. I've done three, Anna. Grazie. Mamma mia. That's not Italian. Yes, it is. That... That's not like a word. That's like a... It's an Italian word. What does it mean then? Erm... Sorry, I think.

[00:29:18] No, it doesn't. Oh... Oh my God. It's literally an English word, but they just say it in an Italian accent. It's not... It's not an Italian word, is it? They're probably saying it. In Italy. In Italian. In Italian people. I promise you they are. It's an Italian word, right? I'll fucking Google it. Please Google it, because I actually don't think it is. I think that's just something that they say. I don't think it's an Italian word. I'll Google it in a minute, but...

[00:29:46] Because I do this, and right... They all come up and say like, Bon Giorno. Oh, Bon Giorno. Yeah, I'll have a pizza. I'll have a pizza with chips on the side. Have you got Colin on drafts? I don't have a pint of Perone. Grazie! I'm fucking Italian. Mamma mia! Is that why they said mamma mia? Because you just did that, yeah. So I'm like... Bec, I'm speaking Italian. It's like we're like...

[00:30:16] We know what we're saying. So let me just Google this. Let's have a look. Because I just genuinely think that it's just like... It's got nothing to do with Italy. It's just because they say it. It's not. It's an Italian word. Promise you. Yeah, you're gonna have to use your phone, because mine might die. Why the fuck is your cock... keyboard in half? What's my cock? I ain't got my cock out of that.

[00:30:46] Why is your keyboard in half? Why is that? So it means in Italian, my mother. Or a mother of mine. Right, okay. So do you want me to read you the explanation? No, I believe you. I'm gonna read it anyway. It's rare occasions I'm right.

[00:31:11] Mamma Mia is an Italian exclamation that expresses a rage of emotion, primarily surprise, excitement, or even a sense of shock or disbelief. Litely translates, it means my mother, or a mother of mine, while not directly used in the sense of calling upon one's mother. It's a function as a common interjection to express strong feelings in various situations. Nice. That's interesting, isn't it? Mm-hmm. Very cool. Yeah.

[00:31:39] It's proper purring my edge that you've just got your iPad balancing off the fucking bar. Like, you've got at least a third of it just balancing off the bar. And you're pressing the third, and it's off of it. You're like tempting fate. You're knocking it off. It's so funny. It's an old iPad. It weighs like fucking 10 kilograms. Alright, we're not old Bill Gates. We can't just afford it. It's just one of the iPads I'm lying around. Yeah, so, just back to the Italian words, right? Yep. There's a word.

[00:32:09] It's fucking brilliant. Prego. Or, prego. Do they say it? Do you have to say it like that? Prego! It's so funny hearing you say accents. Because you just can't do accents whatsoever. I can. I can. You can't. I can. Go on, say it again. Prego! You put so many... Right, but the word is brilliant. Do you know why? Okay. It means everything. It means anything you want. What, like, thank you? If you want it to be. They normally use it for your welcome. So you go, that's it, and they go, prego! But it can mean anything.

[00:32:39] Yeah. So you can go, like, you're a fucking dick, and they go, prego! It just means, like, they just automatically know what that means. Because it doesn't just mean one word. Yeah, language is weird, innit? Like, it just blew my mind. Like, you can say it in any situation. So that's also what would make me think I'm Italian. Because I can just interject any conversation and just go, prego! Does that not worry, though, that you could be calling somebody's mum a slag? Like, just by saying that.

[00:33:09] Well, it depends at what point I'm interjecting in that conversation. Shit, like, they're fucking going off on my... Prego! Yeah. Exactly. I think it determines on how you say it, what... you mean... how are you meaning it. Okay. It's mad. Is this it now? Are you gonna learn Italian? Oh, well, no. But... Right. No. How was the concert? Brilliant. Yeah? Amazing. How was Milan? Eh... Not great, is it? Sheffield on steroids.

[00:33:39] Yeah. Yeah. That's what I've heard. That's why I weren't bothered about it. Yeah, there's obviously the big Dumbo church thing, which is... Was that cool? That's cool, yeah. But then you go to... And like, to be fair, all the buildings are amazing. Yeah. But it's all shopping. Yeah, it's just like a fucking... It's a fucking... Yeah. It's just a big shopping centre. Yeah. It's metal wall with fucking Italian history in it. And 30 degrees. Yeah. And that was obviously the last thing you wanted to go. So I went in... What shop did I go in now? That's exactly what I heard about Milan.

[00:34:08] That's why I've just not been that bothered to go. So we went into a broader shop. Right, this is when you know you can't afford it. Check you out, money bags. Well, for the experience. Yeah. Just to look at the price tags. Well, that's the thing. This is why you know you can't afford it. No price tags. No price tags. No price tags. You have to ask the assistant. Yeah. Who then follows you around like fucking fly around shit. Yeah. Like literally, I don't know. I saw a t-shirt or something. Basic t-shirt. Fucking just same as this.

[00:34:38] 100% cotton. Yeah. It's the tiniest name of broader. See, I'll never understand it because to me that's just complete utter stupidity. So speaking of stuff like that, you can't afford it. I don't know if I've told you this before but... Kind of ruining my story. Just quickly. Mine and... You've said something and I can relate to something that I've done so I've got to say it. Hang on. No, it's not that I've done. It's something that I know so I've got to put that in there so I'm in the conversation.

[00:35:08] I'll forget the rest of my story in a minute. Mine and my granddad once went to Monaco and they went to go in a shop and it was one of those shops and they didn't get through the door. The guard wafted them away. Like he just looked at them and said, yeah, you can't Photoshop here basically. He just wafted them away. Okay, yeah, cool. So... I can't have a conversation. This is what you do when you have a conversation. Somebody says something and then the other person says something. You can normally wait for the other person to finish. Just let me say something!

[00:35:37] You can never let them finish. Right. So I go to the shop assistant or whatever they are. I've got a story about a shop assistant. It was basically 100% on commission. Yeah. So on like thick Yorkshire accent. Oh, I love how much is that? It's top. She goes, yeah, so it'll be... I can't do it with the accent. She basically went, that'll be 800 euro. For a t-shirt with one tiny little logo on it. Because I thought, do you know what? I might buy something.

[00:36:07] Just say I've just bought it from Milan. 800 euro for just a plain t-shirt, yeah. Obviously, Yorkshire reaction. How much? Put it back. What does she... Put it back. Did she laugh at you? No. She was obviously a commission, wasn't she? Did she spit on you? They were like, why are you wasting my time? I went round and she's following me around going, would you like to see the new season lines? And I'm like, I've fucking done. I want to get out. How much do you reckon underwear costs? I bet it's like 200 quid for some boxes.

[00:36:37] And then you've got the fucking... Obviously, there's some big cheeses over there like rich. You've got people at two racking 10k up in just clueless. Well, that's just ridiculous. Why? Do you know what I'd have come on from that holiday saying? I know a no-cloner option. Yeah, fucks that. I've got no-cloner, do you? They're like, do you know what I got from Milan? A sandwich. And I paid 50 quid for it. So, yeah, that were an experience. Nice. And then we went to... Tell me about the train. What train? You got a train, didn't you?

[00:37:06] A train? I went on a train. I thought you got a train from Milan to Lake Como in Switzerland. Oh, no train, but I got a bus. It was a bus. Like a coach. Sorry, a coach. Because I was just envisioning you and Becker absolutely fucking smacking each other at train station trying to find platform in Italian. So, how to get around Milan, you have to use the metro. Yeah. And that's what we had to do. Yeah. And getting from airport to... Yeah. ...thing called taxis are fucking ridiculous. Yeah.

[00:37:34] And it's so clever, the system they've got over there. Mm-hmm. And we did get a bit stressed and we were some heated words exchanged. I knew there would be. Was it mainly that you were getting stressed for not knowing where things are? No, it was her. She got stressed. I was actually cool and calm and collective. I said at the beginning, let's just get a taxi. Yeah. And we'll figure it out. She goes, nope, nope, we'll get the metro. Yeah. We'll figure it out. Yeah. Fair enough. Goes to the metro. It's all different colours. Yeah.

[00:38:03] Different fucking lines. You have to get up and go out into city to go onto another one to get on a different one. Everything's in Italian. Everything's in Italian. Fucking how dare they. Some mean trains, some mean metros. It's fucking confusing. So in the end, arms went in there and we're getting a taxi. That's it. We're getting a taxi. 70 quid. Well, we're probably halfway there by then, wherever we've figured this way out.

[00:38:29] So we got there and then we figured the metro out eventually and managed to do it. So yeah, we went on a coach to Lake Como. Wow. Fuck you now. I just want to say for everybody listening that me and that's like one of mine and Emma's number one places to go. So collectively from both of us, you cunts. Yeah. Well, you'd love it. Yeah. Fucking dickheads. It's mint. Oh, honestly. You didn't even know what it were before, did you? I didn't even heard of it. No, no.

[00:38:57] You fucking didn't even know what it were. Never even heard of it. Scenery, mint, all the streets. There's some hills, trust me. Yes, I'm well aware. See, I know what it is. Let me just paint you a picture, okay? Yeah. Yeah, mint. Very good. Then we went to Switzerland. So I didn't understand. It was because it's like Northern Italy, isn't it? Like it's on border with Switzerland, isn't it? Right, on border. So we went over to... I can't remember it. Longo, Longo, Longo.

[00:39:27] What was Switzerland like? Yeah, it was nice, yeah. Which were nicest, Lake Como or Switzerland? Well, they're like... So the big thing in the middle, which is like... The big thing in the middle? What? Like the lake. Yes. So, right, so just one thing clear on Lake Como, yeah? There's like four different islands on it. Yes. Right. They're not all called Lake Como. What? Islands? What do you mean? Yeah, yeah. So, Como... You mean there's four different lakes?

[00:39:56] No, it's one big lake. No, it's one big lake. But there's four islands on the lake. And they're all called different things. What? So, when you say you're gonna Lake Como, that's like you saying, I'm going to South Yorkshire. Oh! Right, okay. Or no, better. You're gonna Rotherham. But the islands are like Kimberworth, Greaseborough, Rockingham. Right, okay, I get what you're saying. You go into different areas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get what you're saying. Como, which we went to, is...

[00:40:25] Yeah, but if it's an island, did the coach get on a boat? Or did you... No, we got on a boat. Okay, okay, okay. Yeah, we got on a boat. So, you get off the coach, get on a boat, go and see the island. Yeah. Go back on the coast, go to Switzerland and went to Como. Como, right, because we had one of them people with like tall guy thingies. Yeah. We're telling us, Como came to power and we're about to fight Milan. When? Oh, fucking hell, no. 19... something... 1900?

[00:40:55] Something like that, back ages ago anyway. That's not ages ago, I was born in 1906. There were no guns and that, it were just like swords and sticks and shields and shit. So it weren't 1900s then? No. Fuck it. Basically, they were coming to power and they owned the lake. Okay. So that's why it's called Lake Como, even though there's other islands that habitat it. Ah, okay. Milan got wind at Como rising to power, so they came and kicked fuck out of them before they had chance. Right.

[00:41:23] And the agreement was because Como was going to be the capital of Italy. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's what they were fighting for. Right. But Milan got wind of it, came and fucking put them down a peg or two and said, and the treaty was, well, you can keep the lake then, Como. Oh. So that's why it's called Lake Como. What do you mean you can keep the lake? What are they going to do? Take the lake off of them? Well, they were going to invade it so it'd be like Lake Milan. Ah, okay, I get what you're saying. You know what I mean? What is the capital of Italy? I forgot.

[00:41:52] Is it Milan? Yeah. Not Rome? No. It's Milan? Oh shit. Yeah, Milan's capital. Fucking very clearly with prices as well. Yeah, fuck that. Um, Switzerland will go different currency though in Switzerland, apparently. Euros, is it not? No, franc. Oh, is it? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Or Franca. I actually want to go to Switzerland, I want to go to Swiss Alps. Went to Swiss chocolate dinner. Swiss choc shop. Lind? No, just like pure Swiss chocolate. Okay. Yeah. Nice. 60 euros later.

[00:42:23] Or 60 franc-er. Wait, wait, wait. 60 franc on what? One chocolate bar or multiple chocolate bars and presents? Oh, about three. Right, okay. It's very expensive in Switzerland. So it's like 20 quid a chocolate bar? Something like that, yeah. How big a chocolate bar? Uh... How much does it weigh? These are all the specifics. You can't just say it's 20 quid a bar without telling the specifics. They were like little, you could pick and choose so you could get a bar or you do what I did. Are the little bars or the big bars? Mate, not as big as a dairy milk. It's not as big as a dairy milk and you pay 20 quid for it? Yeah, somewhat like that. Fucking hell.

[00:42:50] And then they were like these little balls of chocolate where you could get different flavours. Okay. Little chocolate balls. Okay. Okay. And you can get like coffee in it and caramel and hazelnut and all that shit. Okay. For three of them balls. Three balls. So you're paying for three balls? I'm paying for three balls. Yeah. That were like 30 franc-er. Ten quid a bowl. Ten quid a bowl. Ten quid a bowl.

[00:43:18] No, I could pay a lot less to get three balls in my mouth. Three? Yeah. The other guys got one. Okay. Um... Right, okay. What's the conversion rate for Frank? I have no idea. So you just paid it without knowing. I reckon it's probably close to a pound. It's not going to be that much. A pound's not that strong anymore, is it? No, it's not. No one has cash though. That's the thing and all. When you go abroad, nah, cash is like... It's rare. Is it really? Yeah.

[00:43:48] Like, do you know where you used to, like... Have food and... You used to take 500 quid and keep it in your belt. Yeah. Have food and like get the fancy checkbook and just stick like 50 euros in and slap it and go, hey, and walk off. It's now. It's now. They come totally, you know, with some up. I think fucking hell must have even got some ups now. Fucking hell. I'm... I'm obviously... Don't fit to that rule. I still fetch cash everywhere. I like having cash on me because then I know how much I've got to spend. So anyway, that's my story. Let's... Very nice.

[00:44:17] Let's wrap on to the segment. Oh, we're ready for the segment? Yeah, we're cracking. Yeah, time's ticking. Oh, okay. It's because we had 20 minutes talking about football. Sorry, guys. We'll cut that out. We should cut it out. We'll cut it out. Yeah. You ready? Yeah. Segment time. Segment time. Oh! Oh my God. Sorry, I've messed it up. Oh no. I messed it up. Oh, guys, this will be our last episode. I won't cast. Do it again. Sorry. Yeah. It's no environment.

[00:44:46] It's no environment. Everything's just... It's them fucking bulldogs over there staring at me. No more bulldogs over there. It's staring at me. It's pulling me off. No one will know what these bulldogs are. Have we not said it on thing? No. Oh, I've just took piss out in private. Yeah. So I've bought some bulldogs. It's got two bulldogs. Right. Ornaments. Ornaments. I'll show them to the camera actually. Yeah, show them to the camera. One of them he paid 35 quid for. Just nearly smashed one of them. Yep. See, that one's nice. I really like that one. Did it?

[00:45:15] Yeah, I really like that one. And so should you because it was a present. Oh yeah, that one made a present, yeah. Yeah, so it's really nice that one. Yeah, I love it. This one that Billy bought that was 35 quid, he's got glasses on, a leather jacket and a cigar in his mouth. Cigar. Yeah, 35 quid for that. See, the thing is, and this is where you're a bit ridiculous, I'm like, sorry. Sorry. So he kind of asks me the question and goes, oh, you're into bulldogs? I'm like, well no, I just liked them. I just thought they looked cool and I fancied buying them.

[00:45:45] And they're like, well if you like them, good for you. How can you not just say in a subtle way, they're fucking vile, why did you buy them? I'd rather you say that. If you like them, pal, you have them. No, I do, that's why I bought them. Okay. Do you know what I mean? How many are we going to have? We're going to have lots of full litter. I'm changing fucking title at show, mate. It's the bulldog show now. Okay, we're going to have a full litter. Just the two.

[00:46:14] I named them by the way, so you can name them if you want. Okay. That one in corner is called knob. Why? Why? Snobby. Right, let's do the segment. Do you know the words? Yes. Segment time, segment time, it is segment time. Yeah. I'm so upset. I feel like you've cheated on me. I've been singing it with another man. Yeah.

[00:46:44] Making your own words at William, have you? Go on, you can explain it. Right, so it's called summer and I forgot what it's called. It's called, is this real or not? And we've found like it can be any. It can be. It can't be. This can't be real. That one. And it basically, you can bring anything in and littering with fake stuff as well. Whether like if it's real or not, but it can be anything. So like a low, a product.

[00:47:14] And Billy's going to let me go all go first because I've got 3% on my battery on my phone. Otherwise, I'm going to have nothing. Shoot your five. Shoot your shot. So, so, so, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. Relevant. In Milan, Italy, it's illegal not to smile in public unless you're at a funeral or hospital. True or false?

[00:47:44] It's illegal to not smile. Is this real? No. This is real. What? This 19th century law is technically still on the books. It was originally meant to promote cheerfulness. Fines were a thing. So you could get fined for not smiling. Well, every single one of them fuckers want fining because you don't get one smile. They're each snobby. They look down at you. Yeah. So what, I'm wearing my Union Jack t-shirt and shorts. Yeah. So what if I'm not paying 800 quid for a Prada t-shirt?

[00:48:11] Look, you know, just because you're walking about in Fendi in a fair coat in 30 degree weather. Yeah. Right, this one. Go on. In Denmark, it's illegal to own only one guinea pig because it's considered animal cruelty. True. False. Oh. So you can own as many guinea pigs as you want. I'm doing shit. Lego once released a scented brick line called Aromablocks featuring smells like fresh laundry, wood shavings and pizza. That's fucking false. How can they do that? Yeah, that's false. Yeah.

[00:48:42] This is a headline. Florida man tries to evade arrest by jumping into a pool full of eels at an exotic pet store. That's true, man. Fuck me. That's true. That's false. Is it? Yeah. They're mad though, they're mad. They do do out. That sounds really real, doesn't it? They fucking do out then. Hang on. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Uh, Heinz green ketchup. Real or not real? Not real. Real. Heinz green ketchup?

[00:49:12] You don't remember green ketchup? No. So I thought I'd give you an easy one here because you don't remember Heinz green ketchup? As in the sauce was green? Yes. Or the bottle was green? No, the sauce was green. No. It was from all them artificial flavours that nobody thought were bad for you back in our day. What, it was tomato? Artificial sweeteners and colourers and shit. Was it taste tomato? Yeah, it was still tomato sauce. It was still tomato sauce. It was just bright green. That's fucking weird. Google it in a minute. I will. Google Heinz green ketchup sauce.

[00:49:39] Er, man, this one's a headline. Man tries to rob a bank with an avocado claiming it's a grenade. Say it again. Man tries to rob a bank with an avocado claiming it's a grenade. That's true, I bet some mad bastards are not doing it. That's true. Fuck you, what a lad. I'm just fucking making an explosion. Right. Er, so many jokes in my head then.

[00:50:09] The Great Emu War of 1932 and Australia lost. What was the fighting over an emu? Er, so the... So it was a war over emus. Between who though? Er, I don't know. It was called The Great Emu War of 1932. And it was Australia against... It doesn't say, but Australia lost. Is it true? You tell me. Er... Is this real or not? No, there is emus in Australia. No, this is real.

[00:50:39] Oh, they lost. So the Australian army literally went to war against emus using... Against emus? Against emus using machine guns. Oh God! The emus outran and outsmarted them. After thousands of rounds fired, the emus won. That's true. The government quietly gave up. That's not true. That's true. It is true. Where the fuck did the emus get the machine guns from? What, the emus didn't have machine guns? The Australian army had machine guns shooting emus. And they won? Emus won? Yes. Wow. Because they couldn't kill them all. Oh my God.

[00:51:09] This is true. Oh, that... That's... I should've used that as a fact. That's quite funny, isn't it? Yeah. How have emus been doing... How did they win it? They can't even fly. Well, they obviously have. They're really fast, aren't they? Is emus like a different word for a type of different army? No, emus that great big bird that runs at like 60 mile an hour. Yeah. Can you imagine a big fat bird running at 60 mile an hour? Philosoraptors. Wow. Yeah. Hang on one sec.

[00:51:43] Kids down in the mines. Sorry, this is just a fun video. It's just stuck in my head that. Uh... Da da da da da. In 1956, a small town in Oregon held a funeral for a vending machine that had been serving the community faithfully since the war. That's true. Fake. Aw. Is that it? Last one. Japan once opened a theme park based entirely on British roundabouts. It was called Rotary Kingdom. That's true. Fake. Aw.

[00:52:13] You did well with them fake ones. Where did you get this from? So you got none. I got none, did I? You got none. Yeah, I got one. What did you get? I don't know. I don't think... What? I might be wrong. You might have got one. I don't remember. Right, you ready? Yeah. Right. Mosquitos can smell which blood type you are. They're twice as likely to bite someone who is a type O as opposed to a type A. False. True. Is that true? Mad. Mad. So they can sniff what blood you are. I think I am. I'm a dummy.

[00:52:45] Oh, no, wait. No, I'm not. Am I? Oh, I don't remember. I'm one of them people who should give blood. Yeah, because... Aren't you universal blood? You can get to anybody. Fucking someone like that, yeah. Yeah. What? Pay me. What? What? Alright. If that's the case, if you have any blood transfusion, you're barred. You're not allowed one. I'll pay for it. Fucking my god. Uh, the air you breathe in a train station is 15% human skin.

[00:53:10] If you think leaving a train station will save you from inhaling skin, just know about 80% of the floating specks you see in the sunbeam are also skin. That's true. Yes, that is true. Yeah, that's true. That's definitely true. Uh, a man's... A man once did an experiment where he let an anaconda swallow him whole. He was... He was... This is true. Digested. This is true. Oh. I watched it on... I watched it. It was a... It was a documentary. Because he put on... He put on like a metal suit. Or like this...

[00:53:40] This plastic suit. And he let it eat him. It was like a Nat Geo documentary or something. No. Is it true? Yeah, it's true. Yeah, I've watched it. Yeah. I know exactly what that is. Um... You are 10 times likely to get bit by a New Yorker than you are a shark or a rat. True. No. False. Oh, okay. Um... I don't know what that one is.

[00:54:10] Your bioluminescence... Bioluminescent... Bioluminescence. Yeah. Uh... That glow in your eyes... The light is perpetual... I've chosen a fucking one. It's perpetual. It's perpetual to the human eye. Sorry, what was the statement? Because I don't know what the statement was. You're bioluminescent. Yes. That's right. You glow. Yes. The light just isn't perpetual to the human eye. Is it true?

[00:54:40] That's absolutely true. Humans glow. Yeah, it is true. It's weird that we glow. Yeah, I know that. That we glow in dark. Is that why animals can see us? Uh-huh. Because they probably can't. I actually don't know, mate. I don't know if you'll know that one. There is a Nokia that is from the 1950... What? Okay, just go. Why? No, no, no. There is a Nokia. The first one...

[00:55:08] There was a Nokia that was made in 1957, and it still says today that the battery has still one ball left on it. True. False. No. The battery's lasted like 70 years. The legendary headphones. I don't even think they were invented in 1957. I thought you'd tricked me out, Shae, because I couldn't make it up in time. Peaches and nectarines are the same fruit. True.

[00:55:33] A recessions gene can prevent them from being fuzzy, and that's what makes the difference. False. True. Fucking hell. That's it. Alright, okay, nice. I think you got like one right. I got quite a few right. You got two. I got like at least three. You got the snake one right. I got three right, Billy. You got this... Oh no, you got the glowing one right. And I also got the train one. Oh yeah, you did, yeah. So I got three. Yeah. I smashed you.

[00:56:03] You did. Thank you. Oh, I'm saying thank you. There you go. There you go. Bye guys. Thanks. Cheers guys. See ya. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

[00:56:39] Bye. Bye. This podcast is part of Podomedy. The UK's Podcast Comedy Network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit podomedy.com. you