Try not to laugh!

[00:00:03] Shall we do a podcast? What would we even call it? MindMap Ah, go on then Welcome back to another episode of MindMap with Billy and Jack Nobody fucking cares about that

[00:00:26] Did you know that your beloved favourite cereal, Corn Flakes, were originally invented by John Kellogg to stop people masturbating? What? I'm not joking either So he's basically gone Right Before I get my cock out No, it's not him, he noticed that everybody started masturbating So he Right So

[00:00:56] There was a rising They were originally created by a doctor who believed bland food would reduce people's urge to masturbate Well, instead of watching porn, I'm going to wear, get me to an ass bottle of Kellogg's It was a physician, nutrientist, inventor, medical missionary And Kellogg was a part of a great wave of social reformers of the progressive era I reckon he had a weird thing around corn Probably That's why he did it

[00:01:24] What, just like mashed his scent in corn I think he's gone I think he's gone You know what, I'm going to wank But instead of having a wank I'm going to make some corn So So he believed that foods that would not excite the passions, basically So he wanted food to be really bland So if you're in it mood Yeah Or if you are in the mood So ladies, if you miss it, if your bloke's fucking, like, just on at your old time trying to get on you Just start feeding him some cornflakes and he'll just leave you alone I'd doggone eat Yeah

[00:01:55] Put him some cornflakes in his dog bowl and he'll leave you alone I do reckon they had big meetings when he was first released So, month before 10,000 of the population was masturbating Ah, they know Kellogg's came out Only 5,000 That's a 50% decrease in masturbation That's it That's much different flavours out Yeah Oh my god Yeah, so That is mad Don't eat Kellogg's if you want to Just all Kellogg's Like, all the Kellogg brand Well Or just specific

[00:02:24] I don't know about nowadays Because it seems nowadays they just want you to eat the cereal So now it's just Instead of it being bland so they don't masturbate There's just so much sugar in it that you can't masturbate anyway Because you're just fucking comatose from sugar addiction Oh, you just masturbate very quickly now Yeah It's gone opposite way now They want you to masturbate and eat the cereal Is the guy still alive? John Kellogg Yeah I really fucking doubt it Why, with cornflakes like In medieval times Hang on, I've got it Er Let's have a look Hang on

[00:02:53] Bowl of Kellogg's and a glass of mead Well Considering that he was born on the 26th of February 1852 I would be very impressed if he's alive Touching I'd just be touching He's just Do you know what would have been funny If whoever buried him Buried him in his grave Masturbished him Touching his cock So he just determinedly touching his cock Instead of choking dirt They were all choked fucking Cornflakes Cornflakes I can't believe he's gone

[00:03:24] And then he just came out with a pouring milk Yeah That's it Yeah, that's the fact That's amazing Go on then Anyway Welcome back Welcome back You forgot something What? You've not got it ready, have you? What, my joke? You joke at day Week Yeah Week Of course I've fucking got it ready Right, okay I thought you'd not got it ready Yeah, of course I've got it ready Are you ready for it? Go on then Joke of the week Do you know what a reverse exorcism is?

[00:03:54] Err No It's when the demon gets the priest out of the child Nice I thought that was quite good Oh, we got that, yeah Nice So we're back I know I know Err We've just had a sabbatical Because I've been clinically depressed Because me eyes fell out and I'm bald That's not actually the reason But that's just Yeah He's dying Yeah Err I might be, I don't know

[00:04:24] I've got a lump on my side I need to check out But yeah, we'll see Yeah So We've got no cameras set up today But I'm sure next time we do one Yeah Err We've not really planned this either We've just thought Fuck it, we'll get back into it We've had a bit of a sabbatical, haven't we? Eight months Yeah Eight months Is it eight months? It's been a while Sorry guys Yeah Sorry Them seven listeners Yeah Seven listeners Sending his death threats Yeah I had a fucking pipe bomb put through my letterbox What, a real one? No I would've been sarcastic Oh right Because we're not doing a podcast in eight months, Billy

[00:04:53] Nobody's actually tried to fucking assassinate me, Billy No That's not real Well, at least you've disguised your sentence So they wouldn't know who you are Err Yeah, funny Err Yeah, so The only really major change in eight months is Jack's bald Yeah, I'm bald I don't know if we've mentioned that yet But I am bald There is no hair on my face It's dropped down to my chin Your head, you mean? It's dropped down to my chin You've only said no hair on my face Did I? Yeah I didn't You did I don't think I did You did I don't think I did I'll play this motherfucker back

[00:05:23] I don't think I did You did You said no Well, anyway People know what I mean I've not got an hairy face But the thing is now You need to really try your best to get a beard I'm trying Because, like I'm tenting so hard at, like, multiple points of the day To try and force it out Bald people suit beards so much Well, I've got to go to I don't know what else I can do about that Thanks, pal Thanks for confidence boost Do you know Drastic life change And the best thing is at all It just surprised everybody with this No one knew it was coming Yeah I've been balding for, like, a year

[00:05:52] That's in the McEwen World's own card And because I'm taller than most people Including Billy No offence Everyone's fucking taller than me Nobody could see my balding head I've got a five-year-old who's creeping Nobody could see my balding head So the only person that saw it, really, were me When I just looked in the mirror I was like, fucking hell, that's getting bad I started to look like a fucking mid-century monk You know where they've just got hair right on the side of their heads And not on top You would really suit that

[00:06:21] Yeah, I would do, wouldn't I? With a brown robe on Next fancy dress Or if we ever do a fancy dress You need to get the full get-up The yellow and brown Yeah, I'll try it Yellow and brown? It's just brown, innit? No, it's yellow and brown I think it's just a brown cloak, innit? What, is it a briary monk or something like that? I'm thinking of, well, I'm thinking of Avatar the monk And Ben's water Ben's air Er, no He's not a monk either He is Is it a friary monk?

[00:06:51] Well, he's trained by monks Okay Monk dress up I actually meant the real-life monks Not the cartoon one Where the guy can manipulate the light elements Ah, well, it's all based off the same thing anyway I don't think it is Monk dress up One sec Let me get it Oh, no Yeah, no You're right Well, um It's a brown cloak, innit? And it's got air around sides So you can get an orange one Or a brown one Let me have a look I think it depends on what level of monkness you are What do you mean? Let me have a look

[00:07:23] Well, that orange one is a Buddhist monk I was talking about Like a A Christian monk Yeah, well That one's for Hinduism And that one's for Christianity Not right But they both do the same thing Er, well Probably not, no It's two different religions Look at that one That one looks like Er That looks like a brown Cluck-cluck-cluck Kline outfit Yeah But it also looks like What the guy wears On Oh my god

[00:07:52] You'd suit her Nazi symbol On the Er, what's he called? The film The film Er, Da Vinci Code Do you know the guy from the first Da Vinci Code Where he whips his sen and shit like that? Er, yeah It looks like that It looks like something he'd wear Why Why do they Do they shave the middle of their head? I thought monks were bald Er, well some are But I mean But some just shave that bit of their head Yeah, I don't know why Don't ask me why Okay I don't know if they actually shave it Or whether it's just people being bald Like balding

[00:08:22] You'll be there soon I would Well, yeah I mean yours went like From the So I still had Not even the middle I still had front And I still had back and sides It just went on top I'd got like a halo on top Right in the middle of my head So now I'm getting to a point Where I'm having to be very strategical On when I get a haircut Okay It's like I'm on a count now Of haircuts Yeah So I think I've got 100 in bag Do you? And I have roughly Well I thought I had like 50 left And it drastically got down to like 3

[00:08:52] But I'm I'm Quite lucky Because I'm receding Rather than balding Yeah So I can do clever quiffs Right But what about when it's windy? Well I'll just put fucking Extra hold Airspray Because I ended up having a comb of her To hide my fucking My mould patch And I don't like putting airspray on Or gel or all that So Just whenever it It was windy I just Felt like I just needed To hold my head Just like hold my hair down I bet I bet it's effortless though

[00:09:22] Now innit In the morning I bet it's amazing Well it's easy innit I don't fucking Get straight up Yeah I don't have to Worry about what my hair looks like Yeah Err I do have to moisturise my head And shave my head though Like Every two days Do you Why Why are you like Smugly laughing at that? Why are you smugly laughing at that? I've got like loads of thoughts in my head Go on Like I feel like Have you This is the time to ask the questions That you want to ask Have you joined a bald club? No I haven't Is the one? Err Yes

[00:09:50] Do you just all meet up And lick each other's heads? No there's one Alpha bald person And he runs round Prime bald He runs round And he Does this thing Where he grabs Your bald head With both hands And he squishes it Like that And he does that And then if you do And if you get one of them You're favoured And then you're in the club If he doesn't squish your head You're not in Okay Err So it's a bit like a cult then?

[00:10:19] Well I don't know Everything's a cult Countries are cults How bad do you want to join this club? I'm already in I'm the Alpha bald Do you reckon you're more brainier? Err Yeah because I've got a better ventilation system I saw that heat Just goes out a lot easier It's like I've completely Upgraded my brain Only sometimes Err I will have to give you a shout out though To a person called Bald Caff Err Bald Cafe Whatever his Thing is Bald Cafe? Yeah because I'll show you now

[00:10:49] But er On Instagram He's called B-A-L-D-C-A-F-E All one word Err But he helps people Deal with Err Balding So it's like all Men that It's like men that like Big each other up And stuff like that Do you know what I mean? It's like a support group For people that Hold him Carry on and I'll Fucking shave your head for you I've just got visions You are sat in a circle Yeah it happened to me Back in 1967

[00:11:19] I'm alright Yeah but the thing is though I were more stressed And like more Err I don't know how to say it I were more self conscious About it when I got my hair Than when I'm not Do you know what I mean? I feel miles better Now I've shaved it off Yeah Because I'm not constantly Worrying about if people Are looking at me Fucking balding head Do you know what I mean? Yeah So it's like people Motivating you saying Just fucking shave it You'll feel better Do you know what I mean? Because you're like You sit You worry thinking Oh I'm going to look Right fucking ugly With a bald head And I do But I'm not bothered About it now anymore Well you look harder I hear that Well stop looking At my trousers

[00:11:49] Err I'm on here Look You're on here You're on here You're on here You're on here You're on here You're on here No way What Oh he's just watching A video of me Err Check you out Can we not share that? I want to share it Oh my god Do you get tagged in it? Err Yeah Hang on It's dodgy Headsets I can only hear you One ear Oh There we go I'm back Hello I'm back I can only hear him One ear There we go It's probably because He's been in my shed

[00:12:18] Equipment for eight months Fucking rainwater leaking on it It's been submerged in water For fucking eight months We're gonna have There's probably black mould Growing out of his ears now Yeah Yeah I want to share Can't we share that? Err I don't know Like I'm not really sure People I've just Err It's just on there This is you coming out Err Coming out What Fucking hell I definitely are Aren't I? You can't really miss it I have to be careful Not Other people's eyes When I go out into the sunlight So I don't bald people Blind

[00:12:48] I said bald I'm in blind Imagine if you Had just had a power Everything you touched Turned to bald That'd be a very cool power You know If I could wish for a superpower From a genie I reckon that'd be it Turned to everybody bald Yeah Yeah Somebody Your weight had just been Like a bit of a snarky to you Just Cheers pal Pat on back And then just instantly bald Not no Yeah That would be good Yeah So other than Getting bald Err Err What

[00:13:17] Has things Has Have you passed Uni yet? Err No not yet I've still got another year left Woo Year and a half Woo Just finished exams Woo Err Stressful Woo That's probably the reason Why I'm here for that Woo But yeah Err I'm alive Well yeah That's good That's good I suppose I feel alright We're making moves Confident Yeah Getting closer to wedding Yeah I've got to get a suit sorted Yeah Stag do

[00:13:48] To get all sorts sorted You do know we're all coming bald Do you know what I'd love that It'd be right funny It'd be funny foot photos Foot wedding But nobody's got hair Yeah I don't think Becca would disown me She's actually openly told me If I go bald She'll leave me Well that's just fucking me She's our deep Our lovers Yeah Did you never consider turkey Err So I've done a lot of research into it And it seems like

[00:14:18] It's not as guaranteed As what you'd think So they can be You can get a good one But Even then It won't always stick Do you know what I mean Like it's Sometimes it can just not work Like you could You could have a graft done On your head And some of the hairs Just might not pop through And some people And you get like Great weird airlines and stuff And I just thought It's probably better Psychologically To just deal with being bald Than it is to try and pursue something That's

[00:14:48] I'm aging I'm getting old Do you know what I mean Like it is what it is And you won't get in your club either I won't get in me what Club Bold Bold club Bold club That's it What's the first rule about Bold club Err Always moisturise your head Oh is it Don't talk about bold Bold club No No No We talk about bold club We're open with bold club Yeah We'll we'll we're waiting for you Yeah We'll have you at any day So there's obviously been Christmas Err Yeah there has been Christmas Christmas

[00:15:17] Merry Christmas Err Happy Chrysler You know New Year Err New Year I went swimming in sea Err Err Fucking hell What's that beach called I went to a beach anyway No Err Frasethorpe I think it was Frasethorpe Beach Big long beach Err Fucking hell I think that's the coldest one I've done New Year dip Err I took my coat off And I was fucking shivering Before I had even fucking got in I literally ran in Did a dip And came straight out It was fucking cold

[00:15:47] Any New Year resolutions? Err No I've just decided not to make them I just lied to myself Yeah but you normally come up with eight good ones Yeah I haven't I I haven't made any This year I don't think Like you did what without You did the no sugar one The no drinking one Yeah You did for a full year Yeah Did you do the sugar one? I can't remember Err I think I did Did I do a month no sugar? Or did I do like two months no sugar? I think I did a month A full month with no sugar at all Err But yeah

[00:16:16] That's probably my Achilles eel Eel sugar I've got to try and sort that out I just I've got a right sweet tooth I just I can't help it I've mashed a full Full fucking packet Of Gold McVitie's biscuits today Err And half a pack of ginger nuts Err They're vile then Ginger nut creams And they're still vile Fuck off You don't know what you're talking about Have you seen the er The new phase Oh and I've had half a tiramisu Fucking hell And And Byring the mind He's skinny as fuck And I've had

[00:16:46] Four eggs and a bagel Yeah It's fucking hell And cheese You make me sick A lot of cheese on there You literally make me sick I could drive past A McDonald's And I'd put a fucking stone on Do you know what I can't wait for? Err Till I think it's End of February Or end of March You know Urban Burger Oh yeah Great nice burgers It's like five guys But fucking A lot better for your wallet Basically Err They're doing 50% off For students Every Monday and Tuesday Yeah they I know

[00:17:16] I'm having a burger on Monday Why don't you do something nice And like buy loads And just To give it homeless Billy I've only just got enough money To make me not homeless If I start giving burgers away I'll be homeless Got that date circled in calendar You fucking hell Urban day Yeah We can eat today I've not ate for three days Err Well there seems to be a new trend In the minute With the new year stuff I know obviously we're a bit behind now But Err

[00:17:46] Everybody making like Vision boards And Yeah Bingo You can tell Your missus has got What Your missus has got A bingo card behind you Yeah Get a new piercing Is on there 2025 Wish you were going to get piercing Use your imagination Err Err Err Did you make one Err No Err I'm just reading Some of the things on there And some of the things That are on there I reckon you could do

[00:18:15] Instead of her doing that one Like that one That's on bottom right Look at the one That's on bottom right Yeah Why don't you do that Instead I don't have it that hard Why are you trying to out me That's a right Why are you outing me On your vision board Can we tell people Yeah yeah So the one on the bottom right Of this bingo card Is buy myself flowers Once a month So can we all just Everybody listen to this Just All just say collectively Come on Billy Buy your missus some flowers I do Right That's what I don't get I like Why have you

[00:18:44] I've been even outed Very nice On air Err Host of games night Yeah Very small wins Isn't there Yeah Save 5k By the end of the year Yeah Very nice One hike a month Yeah That's what she's doing That's what she's doing She's going on one hike To get her flowers So she's not buying them She's just going And put on a hike Yeah Well it ticks two boxes Doesn't it Celebrate 31st birthday Yeah

[00:19:14] I mean That's kind of It's obviously Going to happen Isn't it Because she's Going to have a birthday Yeah That's very true Well she could have it But she doesn't have to Celebrate it What would you put On your vision board Grow hair It's a March 22 Bingo card It's a wild card Err What else would I have On there Err

[00:19:44] I want to do I tried to do it Last year Muscle up But I didn't really try it I didn't really Stick to my workout plan But I want to do I want to be able to do A muscle up It's fucking killing me That I can't do it Is that where you're like So it's a pull up But you also You put yourself Off at bar And then it's like A tricep push Yeah As well You're never going to do that I am going to do it Maybe that's my new years I've got a full year To do one muscle up Maybe now you haven't got that Weight on your head You could Yeah I'm more aerodynamic now I'll fly up I wonder if you're faster Yeah Faster as fuck by

[00:20:14] Faster as fuck boy Is that it What else would be On my bingo card Anything to do With this podcast Maybe Nah Nah What else would be On my bingo card I'm trying to think What would you have On your bingo card Also How were you How were your new years And stuff Because I've not Asked you anything Yeah We're alright We're good Went to a lovely

[00:20:43] House in Shit Somewhere in Lincoln Lincoln That were it Yeah Right Went out In Lincoln First time in a while We've gone out On New Year's Eve Like On Razzle And Not always in Lincoln It just means in general Just in general Yeah And I weren't there by the way No Mate You wouldn't feel fucking old Get your send in Lincoln

[00:21:13] What is it just for like 18 year olds It's just fucking kids Yeah It's just kids Well we are old We're nearly fucking 30 year old Well we are 30 next year But you don't realise it Until you see these Fresh Face You might not I've had to realise That I'm old Over the past fucking year Fucking Fresh face Fucking shuffling around Dance floor And like Fucking what time Did Joe come out Can you remember When we went out Can you remember When we went out And We were like 18, 19 And we just dance

[00:21:42] To be these old people That come over And fucking They used to like Dance like an idiot That's us Like it's spoons And stuff like that That's us now Look at that fucking Nonce Yeah We're the nonce We've now the nonces Yeah That's us isn't it Yeah Or like when you see them Like Oh fucking hell 80s bars down there Yeah Well that's it It'll be a 2000s bar Or a 1990s bar now Literally We must have I think we were only in there For like an hour and half And then we're like It's a bit loud isn't it Yeah It's a bit loud What was this

[00:22:12] With this at half nine Before you decided to grow up I've seen a quiet Wine board Shall we just get on But that's the thing Isn't it though Like as you get older You appreciate conversations more So like I don't want to be in a club Just doing And then just trying to have A conversation with me And you're going You what What do you mean Not bothered It's fucking straight I'm paying like fucking Fifteen quid for a drink

[00:22:42] I'm not bothered Yeah I know That gets to me The price has got to me Quite bad Yeah But like you say I'd like to go out For a cocktail Or something like that Or some dinner Or something Yeah a little Just a little Bit of food Go and see a bit of music A bit of live music Yeah That's it Yeah Bed by ten Fucking yeah A reasonable time Bed by ten I'm not going out Stopping past twelve o'clock No fucking chance But then don't you Sometimes And then other times I'll think

[00:23:12] I want to get back to it Ah yeah Like fucking hell This looks very good This Get me a fucking bag I'm on a bender Yeah They were even like People walking around With trays of shorts Remember them Yeah Now they've got clever Because they have fucking Sum up machines Yeah It used to just be Cash didn't it Ah yeah Three Jaegers For ten Ah absolutely Can you remember in We used to be called Cornelow Reimer Didn't it In Rotherham town And it Were it like Five Jaeger bombs For a ten Or something Like that Something ridiculous Yeah

[00:23:42] But yeah I do get that Every so often Like I'll put like A banging tune And I just feel I've still got it I'm going out I'm going out I'm going out It's like fucking Two o'clock On a Tuesday An hour later You're watching A fucking serial killer Documentary That's it Yeah Yeah So Yeah That was good That was alright I'm on a bit of remish At the minute Oh you're doing well aren't you Oh yeah Weight loss The weight loss journey Health progression Health Health equals wealth That's it It does somehow Certainly does

[00:24:12] So yeah I've been hitting the gym I've been I've been dieting I've been I'm fucking miserable Be worth it But no So I've started that I was probably On my bingo card To be fair Exercise It's one of those things So the more you exercise The more energy That you'll have Yeah But you've got to do it Like you've just got to Force yourself to do it Yeah Another really big one That I'm really determined To get This is more important Than the exercise

[00:24:41] Is I want to get 10th prestige I'm call a duty Nice Prestige master For the years out Honestly I feel so sorry For my amazes I used to consider myself Like a 6 Something like that Right What out of 10 Yeah Okay that's generous Tell me about it I'm trying to be nice To myself Someone thinks a lot About themselves Yeah But nah I reckon I've gone down to a 3 Because I've lost my hair I've gone bald And I've fucking I've reverted back

[00:25:10] To being 16 year old Playing cod in my pants With a fucking headset on Going fucking It's right corner It's right corner Get him Get him Fucking noob What are you Fucking camper I'll fuck your mum Yeah So we've We've managed to Turn Jack into the Dark side of gaming again Yeah So I've I've been a bit Addicted to it At the minute Yeah But yeah I don't think Any of these people That are on This new black orbs Would survive Like a modern warfare Lobby They used to be Fucking wild Absolutely not

[00:25:39] They used to be Wild west You don't see Any fucking 360 no scope Sniping Yeah None of that None of that You know Do you know what Pisses me off Right And I'm trying to Get good at it And I can't The sliding And the jump Sliding and stuff On black cops And I can't do it I end up fucking Sliding into a wall And then get shot I can't do it Yeah Yeah Yeah It's fucking Great good I love it I just love gaming I can't have a vision I like gaming Oh do you know What I always thought That I'd do

[00:26:08] And I've never Got round to doing it It might be like My retirement plan Or something like that Because I don't think I'll ever stop Playing video games Because it's just What I like But I always thought About setting up Like a YouTube channel You know Just playing games And stuff like that Well you can still do that I could still do it It's just It's just Not very niche anymore It's not very niche anymore That's the thing So like Has done it But And then again I wouldn't be bothered If I'd like Meditator You know what I mean And it's also Having time split games Because I like Playing RPG games Yeah Well the people Do it though

[00:26:38] I'm sure there's a guy Who's on my TikTok And there's Every game They does one Called Ark Have you heard of that Oh yeah Ark Survival Yeah And he just does That one But obviously I think we all Need to get ready For the big one That's GTA 6 Oh yeah I thought you were Going to say Dance 6 No GTA 6 I don't really care about that I'm waiting for New Elder Scrolls No mate You need to I'm waiting for New Elder Scrolls Do you know There's rumours

[00:27:07] That it's actually Going to involve Real monies And you earn real money From it From the game Direct from the game Yeah but For that's a big case You'd have to put money in Surely No That's the thing That's the beauty of it So Yeah but you can earn money From any game Because if you Get onto like If you play Like leagues On Call of Duty You can earn money If you win Yeah but this is What are you saying Is that on GTA 6 If you run up and Drive and kill somebody And run them over And get the money

[00:27:37] You're saying you're Going to get 50 quid In your bank account No because In GTA 6 You can get virtual assets Right So you can get a car You can get a house Is this like Fucking metaverse And shit like that Is that what you're saying You can own property Didn't Snoop Dogg Buy a land on Metaverse for like 21 mil or something Like that And now If you do all this In the game Yeah You can actually Sell it to people Right I mean I've got a feeling The currency is going To be crypto Because that just seems Bitcoin

[00:28:06] The world we're going in It'd be like a GTA coin Or something Weren't it Yeah They'll make their own coin Or something And then you can trade That for real money That would be a good Fucking start for them If they made their own coin And used it like that Do you know what I mean Yeah Well there's another one And he's I think he's done it Elon Musk And you can do it Through Twitter Or X Or whatever you call it Or PX I think it's called I don't know what it is It's a currency It's a cryptocurrency And you can use it To buy shit off Twitter

[00:28:35] Yeah I can't buy out I mean Nick Barclays Is that I've seen that It's fucking put Everybody in mayhem Hasn't it Yeah Mortgage payments I mean I Need to send out Wages haven't gone in either Though have they I need to send out Some money for Like bills and stuff like that And I can't send her out Just Are you going to be one of them When it's all back up and running Nope Nope Still down It's not working Fucking But I'll go I'll ring them I'll ring them Don't you worry I'll ring them Where's my fucking money Yeah Yeah Yeah

[00:29:05] How can they do that In this day and age Well they've probably been Act or something They're just not saying That they've been act Russia Yeah Stealing China China China It's all mad in America And all innit Fucking hell I find it so funny Like watching liberals Fucking cry about Trump When It's just funny Watching him Because he's Of a full meltdown Yeah Keeps saying he's a fucking Nazi and stuff like He's already been He's saying that he's Going to kill people And stuff And all that lot He's already been President for four years If he were going to do any of that

[00:29:35] He'd have done it already If he heard what he said about ours That stormer I don't know I mean he's coming over here To sort that fucking News list What Do you know what though Right It seems like They've gone back On every promise That they've made It really does Like they cut Winter fuel tax I think they're up in tax For everybody else I think as well Yeah That's all gone up Like I just don't I don't understand it The taxing electric cars Fucking What's she called Rachel Reeves

[00:30:04] She said that She made a comment Saying Well we've inherited Like a 21 billion Black hole We don't know where That money's gone And stuff like that Which is fine Pat pockets But I'm pretty sure She's authorised Like fucking 50 billion pounds Worth of spending So how's that Fucking work So you're taking Our money Like you're taking More of our money But yet I don't get it It just seems all Corrupt to me We just all need to Fly away Yeah We need to go To the moon

[00:30:33] And live on the moon Yeah Did you know Actually Like Do you know The moon There's a treaty That no one Actually can own The moon Which is fair Do you know That's the same For like Antarctica There's been a treaty Signed that there Will never be any Military bases Set up in Antarctica Alright But Wait let me just Get back to my moon bit Sorry Richard Branson Somehow bought Land On the moon Everything's for sale And Tom Cruise Who the fuck Do you buy it from Everything's for sale But who do you buy it from

[00:31:03] The moon overlord Who's that I don't know America Trump So he's bought Richard Branson's Bought land Because he wants to do X Y and Z Or whatever In 20 or whatever years Who did he buy it from Who did he buy that land from I don't know Do you know I also find funny You don't care about My moon stuff I do But I'm adding something To your story Okay go for it So Do you ever get them adverts Like It's like a Romantic advert And say Buy your girlfriend Or your wife

[00:31:32] A star Do you know what I mean Like you don't fucking Own a star You've just sent some Fucking idiot Some money And you've got what A piece of paper It's actually quite a Legit Certificate What comes What Fuck off I did one I bought one once I'm not being funny You don't own a store Just because you sent Somebody fucking Fifteen quid To get a fucking Piece of paper You don't own a Fucking star There's loads in them Right There's more stars Than us isn't there There is more stars But just because

[00:32:02] You've got a paper Doesn't mean you can Fucking own it Also you own it And which one is it Which one is it What the fuck Are you going to do with it How do you know Which one it is And what do you do with it I bought the North Star No you fucking didn't That'd be That'd be like Fucking Apparently Wiseman Apparently you can buy Fucking comets And all sorts Nah Apparently Comets Comets have got a load Of like rare minerals In them

[00:32:32] So like I saw the beat The other day And it were like It said It said What are they called Comets Comets Comets have got a load Of rare minerals In them And below it was just A picture It was a bald eagle With a fucking Massive LMG And a hard hat Saying It sounds like That meteor Needs some freedom Fucking funny Yeah So if you're ever Thinking about Buying your missus A star

[00:33:01] Or a fucking Comet or something For just Try and be romantic Get us something else Because that's just A waster of fucking Present You've wasted her time And your money Don't fucking bother Get us something That's tangible That she can fucking Hold Like what I don't know Start with some flowers Once a month That's all they want That's all it is Yeah What would you put On your 2025 Bingo card Right So mine will probably Be very materialistic

[00:33:31] I want to be rich Okay I want to be thin That objective Will always move Because you'll get to a point And realise that you're comfortable And then you'll be You want to be like I want to be rich more I want to own the moon Okay I want to be rich I want to be Famous I want to be in movies Okay You don't get that Like lyrics to a song No Is it I want to be famous Movies I still don't know What that is Pussycat dolls Are you Are you referencing A pussycat dolls song Billy Yeah

[00:34:01] Which one Come on If you're going to Reference pussycat dolls You've got to know What is it I want to be famous I want to be in movies I want to have groupies What have you got A thing for Scherzinger Or something She's not bad She's alright Yeah She's Go on then What else do you want On your bingo card I'm trying to think I want to be Tent prestige On college Where's fucking Health and wealth Why is that Not a bingo card I said thin You didn't I want to be thin

[00:34:30] Yeah I want to be So healthy We're about Able to run a 5k I'll do it with you No I don't like running You do I don't like running Don't stop lying to yourself I like to run To chase something You can chase me I'm like a You can chase me Why don't we do it What's your favourite food Cheese Are you being serious Cheese Pizza Anything that involves cheese Right So what we'll do I'll have a clear backpack on And I'll put a pizza in it Right and then if you catch me You can fucking

[00:34:59] You can do You can eat it I'm the greyhound You're the hare Yeah And I'm chasing you Yeah A funnier idea That's where we'll do it Is you could be the robber And I could be a policeman Chasing you Yeah but What I don't want to be paralysed When you get me You won't be Because I'll never fucking catch you That's what I But that incentivises us Wouldn't it If you catch me You get some pizza And they incentivise me To just fucking piss you off

[00:35:29] By not letting you catch me I'll force 5k In our I don't think it's that Billy you could definitely That's why I'm saying You could do a 5k I'm not saying run a fucking marathon That's like 20 odd miles But this year You could definitely run a 5k If you stick to it You could definitely run a 5k What is it in our language I reckon it might take an hour 3.1 mile Is that a 5k Is that it Yeah You could definitely run a 5k I reckon you could do it now I can walk it You could definitely run a 5k

[00:35:58] It might take your whole day But you could do it now It says Doing a 5k run Can add a new level Of challenge And interest To your exercise programme Alright Here let's have it One of your bingo goals is Just do a 5k You've got a 5k This year Billy Okay Absolutely You can do a 5k I don't know I'm actually quite confident I could run 3.1 miles Easy You could do a 5k You obviously build your head up to it I'll sprint it

[00:36:28] Uphill Yeah I'll do it on fucking water Yeah You could do a 5k easy For this year anyway So I'm trying to say I don't mean like now But you could definitely do one this year Yeah No I think I could And then the aim is to get like Under a 30 You could do like a 30 minute 5k Or something like that And then a marathon Yeah I want to get into running I think I might try and do a 5k I think I'm going to add that to my bingo card It's boring Just go 5k Just put some music on Or put a podcast on

[00:36:57] It's still boring Preferably mind map while you're running Yeah I don't feel like hearing my own voice Will motivate me to keep running It will because you think Fucking hell Is that what I sound like And then you'll get like Imposter syndrome And then you'll just want to run away Look at this fucking sexy Yorkshire man Just in me ears Yeah Yeah I don't think anybody's ever said that ever Actually I do want to learn how to play an instrument Do you? Yeah What's that? Or a Drums Banjo Summit No

[00:37:27] Summit like Cool What's Summit cool? Like a guitar I could ask Scott to If you play Scott He could probably teach you how to play a violin I want to know how to I don't know I want to play a guitar Not a fucking Scott knows how to play a guitar as well Oh right Yeah I want to learn how to play a free bird That is a fucking tune And the solo I'd say put it on now But when we get done for copyright If we put it on Yeah What a fucking tune that is Yeah By Leonard Skinhead Yeah That is a fucking rape

[00:37:57] I didn't realise that was That was the name of the band I thought it was just one person No Do you know why they named that? No So they had a teacher Right Who used to always give him detention I think And His name was Leonard Skinhead Alright okay So that's how they named themselves Nice Well that's funny Interesting That's funny for that person Just saying Do you know there's a band name left to be? Yeah So yeah I'd like to do that Yeah Nice That's cool

[00:38:27] Very good And I want to sing and all I feel like Just take that off your bingo card Straight away I've heard you sing Or rap No I've heard you rap as well Take that off You're not that guy I want to rap I could rap You can rap But you're not good at it Or beatboxing Have you seen all the beatboxes at the minute? I think it's stupid They're getting sticky They're going to the next level I think it's stupid Why? What? What is? Beatboxing Why is it? I just think it is Is there eight talent? Is it? Yeah Is it really? You make them fucking noises out of your throat I don't want to Why? Because I think it's stupid

[00:38:56] They're making music out of their mouths Without no instrument Yeah but I just That's my controversial opinion I think it's fucking stupid Right Am I allowed to play videos? I don't know what you're allowed to do With copyright It's not copyright Because it's on TikTok I don't think that's the case I think it's still copyright If there's like a known song In background or something like that Well I've seen other people talk about it So On TikTok So Like He's got juet permissions on it Okay So you're going to play it now then? Yeah

[00:39:26] Go on then I'm going to show you this This guy here See there's even someone on the podcast Telling you about it No instruments I'm not being funny That just sounds like somebody farted It sounds like someone farted Watch Listen

[00:39:59] In a minute That sounds awful Are you mad? That sounds awful He's basically Made a guitar out of his mouth That sounds like a chicken being strangled And somebody fucking farting While they're doing it That sounds awful You have no respect for the podcast For the Beatboxes I don't care They're all going to gang up on you What are they going to do? Fucking It's me to death I'm not bothered

[00:40:28] Beatboxing club fights Fucking ball club Let's have it No ball club and win beatboxing club I fucking tell you Anyway we're kind of running over We're having that much fun Shall we do a segment? Yeah go on then Yeah Can you remember the song? I think so 3, 2, 1 Go Segment time Segment time It is segment time Yeah Oh yeah Put it in me Sorry I shouldn't have said that Why?

[00:40:58] I don't know I hope we're not listening to this in public Did you think I'd get tempted? Yeah So Today Segment We are going to Do Try to make each other laugh By telling stupid jokes If you laugh The other person gets a point And it's 5 jokes each Yeah I'm just I'm just want to put it out there That I couldn't be asked to find my jokes from internet I wanted some dark ones So much effort So

[00:41:28] I'm getting my dark jokes from X So I apologise if they are a little bit dark You ready? How dark? Well Wait we need to We need to Decide who's going first Ready? 3, 2, 1 Go 3, 2, 1 Go Fuck Billy won I'll go first then So you can't laugh You gotta look at me in the eyes and all When I say it

[00:41:59] Yep You good? Yeah I've just realised I ain't even got fired Right Okay You ready? Why is Parking a car Like find Oh no I've said it wrong Oh no no I've done it That laugh doesn't count It does No It does It does No right Why is parking a car Like finding a girlfriend? I don't know why All the good ones are taken

[00:42:29] So you have to stick it in the disabled one And hope no one finds out Okay you pass That's a point for me No you only get the point if you laugh Oh okay If I laugh that you get a point Do you know why I call my dick a Lego brick? Why? Because it's a choking hazard for kids 6 and under

[00:43:06] I am a monk Well done That was odd That was very odd What do you call A Mexican Who hates protein powder? I don't know No way Jose Because where's the protein powder? Oh okay Yeah yeah I get it Okay yeah That's stupid

[00:43:37] Oh my god I don't know if I can say that You've committed What did Gordon Ramsay say to Hitler? What? They're so fucking raw They're still writing in the diaries I did say these were fucking These are raw objects Wow

[00:44:10] They're a different level then aren't they? Okay What do you call a chameleon That can't change colour A dead one A reptile dysfunction Yes That was funny

[00:44:45] Oh my god Wow Wait hang on Let me find a different one How do you get a fat chick to fuck you? How? Piece of cake God That's one one

[00:45:21] What do you call What do you call Hot tub Full of wheelchair users Oh my god I don't know Vegetable soup Fucking hell Right Okay Yeah That's more of a statement That's not a joke

[00:45:57] You ready? Yep Why can't a pedophile get Corona Oh I did that wrong Oh why can't a pedophile get Corona Why? Because COVID is 19 Not a bit of shit that one Right

[00:46:21] I have to wait one sec Because I don't think I can actually say that one I mean I don't think I should have said a lot of these To be honest But here we are Okay What do you call A black man in space? I don't know An astronaut You're racist A black man Nice

[00:46:50] Do I know why kids Are like pills? Why? Because the smaller they are They're easier they are to take Oh god Oh god Have you got any more? No That's fine Don't It's two too Why are Americans so stupid? Why? Because they keep shooting At ones that go to school

[00:47:26] Do you know why Bill Gates' wife Wants to get divorced? Why? Because his dick's Micro and soft You're testing fate Yeah You are testing fate Are these all from Twitter? Yeah Oh my god Let me see if I can find one Find one to finish off with Don't say that

[00:47:54] Don't say it No Wait What about this one? Go on Marriage is like a tornado In the beginning There's a lot of blowing And sucking

[00:48:23] And then you lose your house Why do you have stepladders? I don't know Go on Because the real ladder Left when you was a kid I have many jokes About unemployed people Sadly none of them Work on them

[00:48:53] Okay Okay Billy Yeah What was What was Hitler's favourite game? What? Gas who? Yeah You think it's Have you got any more? You think it's a good time I mean fucking hell These are Dark jokes Dark jokes Credit to where I don't condone Any of the things Said in this podcast Neither does

[00:49:22] Me or Billy We don't condone this And we don't agree To these ideas Thanks for putting Disclaimer Just a TSA awarded Disclaimer This is all Made up This has all been Made for your entertainment This is This is completely Fabricated None of this is real And this doesn't Respect mine or Billy's views Doesn't Doesn't respect Doesn't respect Doesn't Reflect That's the word Reflect Doesn't reflect Mine or Billy's views Yeah Just a disclaimer there For anybody listening Any lawyers are out

[00:49:51] Yeah Right Thanks guys Cheers guys We're back See you next week See you next week