Yorkshire Slang featuring Tom Stade

[00:00:03] Shall we do a podcast? What would we even call it? MindMap? Alright, go on then. You did it! You did it! Way to go Billy!

[00:00:31] Welcome back to another episode of MindMap with Billy and Jack. Nobody fucking cares about that. Did you know that some people have got teeth growing in their brains? That's not bullshit either, right? So there's a rare tumour called teratoma which can grow hair, teeth and even eyes inside your skull. And some people have even reported having had tiny deformed faces growing inside their heads. That's weird. I just thought I'd let you know that. There's something else to be paranoid about. That's amazing.

[00:01:00] You have to WebMD it. That's probably why I'm fat. What do you mean you've got another place to grow inside you? Why some people overthink things? You ever wonder what that little voice in your head was? Yeah. Don't kill them all. Well, his name is Steve. Nice. Don't shoot the kids. You're going to introduce us guest, Billy.

[00:01:30] Yeah, so to everybody, we welcome Tom Stade to the show. Thank you very much for coming on. It's great to be here with you, Jack and Bill. Great to be on MindMap, of course. Yeah. Yeah. No, we've been looking forward to this for a long time, haven't we? Yeah. You're a special guest because we've even fucking cracked this fucking thing up. I know. Right up here. Yeah. We don't want to get this out for anybody. Yeah. This is special for you, this. Oh, nice, man. Nice. Okay. Cost us 50 quid that, you know.

[00:02:00] I bet it did. That's a lot of money for Sheffield. Yes, it is. You could have used that for your kid payment. Yeah. I've had to go to the door office twice to get that. Right on. But we couldn't afford the hooks, so we've had to hand it to the kittens. Finally, my tax dollars going to be useful. Yeah. Fuck all the people that need it. We need a nook sign. That's what it is. We do need a nook sign.

[00:02:30] I'm glad it's not even iron. I'm glad it's just like, it's just kind of rolled out. It's a little bit wrinkled at the bottom, yeah. From this end, Jack, it's wrinkled a lot, buddy. That looks like some chick's skirt coming out of fucking Pop World. Well, to be honest, it's not actually wrinkled. It's just the pixels on internet. Do you know what I mean? It's just on that bit of beer. Yeah, this bit's all right. It's just the pixels are just...

[00:02:59] The further away you get from camera, the more pixelated it gets. That's all it is. We've still got dial-up here, so just give it five minutes, and then it'll all make it clear. Nice. I'm surprised you got dial-up. Well, we did have pigeons, but someone fucking shot them all, didn't we? Nice. How's your day been today? What have you been up to? Oh, it's been absolutely fabulous. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

[00:03:27] Woke up today, ate a shitload of chocolate. Fantastic. Came off the road, decided, you know, I'm going to skip on the... I've been trying to do the intermittent fasting shit. Okay, yeah. And I'll be honest with you, Jack. Fuck, it ain't working for me. It ain't working. I get real hungry. Yeah. I just eat a bunch of shit. Yeah. So I woke up to farting out that. It's just like a bear. You just go and find anything, don't you? Yeah, man.

[00:03:56] It's like, oh, I've done two really good days. Now we'll fuck it all up, man. This is a problem with scrolling through Instagram. You get all these ideas. Yeah. Oh, this'll make me live longer. And then you're like, two days later, you're like, yeah, fuck it. Yeah. There's always like some weird guru, isn't there, that says if you drink piss at 4pm on a Tuesday, you'll live till your night, isn't there? It's fucking weird. Yeah. Yeah. You saw him too, Jack? Yeah, I did. You know what?

[00:04:26] I feel better. So you're telling me that me drinking my own piss at 4pm? Yeah. God damn, man. Oh, I'm with it. Side effects. He lost his hair. Yeah. You lose your hair if you do it, though. That's what was going on in the shower. Thanks for warning me, Jack. I'm going to delete that guy's account, man. Yeah. I've reported him to Instagram users, but they don't seem to have took his account down like that.

[00:04:55] Nah, because it's in Nigeria, buddy. There's not too many money to do it down there. You're now on land in Nigeria. Yeah. Shall I do my joke of the week? Yeah. Yeah, unfortunately. I apologise about this in advance. Oh, I'm excited, man. Can I ask a question? Can I ask a question? Bill, before we do this joke of the week. Yeah. Okay. Where did you get it from?

[00:05:22] A mixture of TikTok, telly, and some deep sickness in my brain. Okay. Okay. So have you merged some jokes together to create your own? Yes, kind of. 2.0 Billy version of whatever I'm about to hear. Yeah. Yeah. And I want to put a TM on Enderit as well. All right. Okay. I'm excited. Because then if anybody does try to steal it, they'll know it came from this fucking idiot.

[00:05:53] I don't think anyone's going to try and steal it. And you're going to turn around and tell you that before. Okay. All right. Okay. Silence. Ready for it. And I'll give you permission to use this in your set. Oh, thanks, Bill. You know what? Before you even start, I can just imagine me being on stage before I tell this joke.

[00:06:18] I don't know the guy's last name, but this one's for you, buddy. Yeah. Cheers, man. So two Jews walking around. Yes, it kind of. Right. What do you call a swimming terrorist? What do you call a swimming terrorist? Yeah. Well, obviously, it's got to do something with them. It's either a backstroke, something.

[00:06:48] A bath bomb. Huh? What? A bath bomb. A bath bomb. Yeah. That wasn't actually that bad, though. That was good. Actually, you know what? Oh, yeah. You're using it, aren't you? I'm not using it, but it's kind of good. I'm using that bath bomb. Nice. Yeah. Very good. That's great. That was actually a lot better than I thought. Did you make that up yourself, Bill?

[00:07:18] Was that you? Was that you? Yeah. Yeah. No, that was me. Yeah. Yeah. So I've actually tried doing a bit of stand-up. I've done a few open gigs first time last year, didn't I? Yeah. If you've got any advice for him, because I think, did you do like two or three? He did well on two, and then his third one, he's bombed. And I don't think he's recovered from that. Oh. I did two. My first ever one was at the Hot Water Comedy Club. Oh, over in Liverpool. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:07:48] So I did one. Oh, I saw it? Did really well. I thought I did really well. Did a couple of open mics in Sheffield. I think I did two. Again, I thought I did well. Then I did my third, and now went to Barnsley. Oh, I've been to Barnsley. Love it. Love it. Lescar. Is it the Lescar in Barnsley? Lescar. I'm not sure. I don't know. Can you remember the name? We used to play a gig. It was like a big bar, but it had a back comedy room in it.

[00:08:18] Oh, yeah. A guy named Jules always ran. Do you know it? I don't know. I mean, it's not Leadmill, is it? Leadmill's Sheffield, isn't it? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Maybe. It got raided by the cops one time, and we all had to run away, because everybody had drugs on them. Yeah, definitely. I remember that. I remember that. Well, you'll know it's an all-in-barns. They'll all run into the same house, because they're all fucking related. Right on. Small-town humor. Yeah.

[00:08:49] So let me ask you this then, Bill. Okay, let's start off, man. What was your opening joke, Bill? When you went on stage, what did you open with? So I opened up with, this was me. I kind of did a disclaimer and said, look, this is me. I'm new to comedy, and I'm just going to tell you the story about how I got into comedy and how I'm mainly letting my family know. I was going into comedy. And then I kind of did a bit of a story as though it looked as though I was coming out gay

[00:09:19] rather than coming out to be a stand-up comedian. Oh, okay. So- Oh, so you were telling your family that you were letting them know- And they're all sat there going. That you want to be a stand-up comedian. And they're all going, we know what, this time we're coming. This time we're coming. That's it. That's it. Get Dave offline, set him up now. And then, yeah. Nice, Bill. I went into that, and then I would go into a bit about when I tell my girlfriend,

[00:09:47] and I make a joke there saying, she said to me, if you perform as a comedian as the way you perform in bed, you'll be the best ever. Short sets and a laughable performance. Oh, nice. Good comparison, Bill. Yeah. Yeah. Good comparison. Not the greatest joke, but you're on that comparison thing. I like that, man. I like that. And then I kind of talk. It's more like storytelling.

[00:10:15] I tell them about stupid stuff I've come up with in my head. I once thought that I could- Well, that's where it all comes out, Bill. Yeah. I once thought I could- Where else do you find it? I once thought we could get free electricity by just plugging the plug back into the extension lead, and then plug in. That's not a joke. That's him being serious. That really did happen. Yeah. Oh, that's amazing. Yeah.

[00:10:41] But yeah, so I did this one gig in Barnsley, and it was one of them, do you know, like them red card ones where three people, and then you're off. Yeah. Yeah. Gong shows. Now, you got it. You got it. That's what it was. A gong show. I lasted what? So you get a minute grace. I lasted probably a minute 10. I think he lasted like a minute 15 seconds. That's probably being generous. And then- They were brutal. Don't get me wrong, but- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he bombed. I've never kind of got back up since then. Oh, don't worry about that, Bill.

[00:11:10] You got to get back on that. I know. Everybody bombs, man. I know. I would switch you too, man. I wouldn't have started with telling your family that you're a stand-up. Yeah. I would have started with your girlfriend, man. Oh, right. Yeah. And they're going, you know, like the reason I got into stand-up was, well, I told my girlfriend that I wanted to get into stand-up, and she said, well, if your stand-up's anything like

[00:11:37] in bed, at least you'll last five minutes. Yeah. Yeah. Nice. Yeah, definitely. I definitely want to get back into it when I get a bit more, I think, a bit more confidence. I've got no fucking desire to be a comedian. I've got no interest about that. No. I don't think I could stand up there and have people look at me while I'm telling jokes. What do you do then? What do you do, Jack? I don't know.

[00:12:07] I just tell shit, basically. Yeah. You got it. I know you went to the Dole for the mind map. They're not going to give you that studio. Yeah. I can't say what I do on here, because I'm on fucking Dole. I can't say. I've got money on Tide. Do you know what I mean? He's a gymnast. Oh, okay. Clearly I'm a disability and he's a gymnast. No, I'm a... I'm a... There you go, Bill. You're on. I'm doing that. Damn it. Just need to just stoke the fire.

[00:12:36] That's it. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a full-time student at university, even though I am old. Oh, okay. Okay. Cool, man. So I'm studying environmental science. Oh, nice. Well, that'll be gone. So you won't need that anymore. Yeah. I've been outside burning tires today. Thank you. Oh, gee. You'll end up eventually giving me a job, though. So it's like a full circle.

[00:13:04] If you didn't burn tires in your garden, I wouldn't have a job. So there you go. There you go. You are welcome, Jack. That's all I've got. You're welcome, everybody. You're welcome. Thank you. I'm just trying to heat this planet up. It's freaking freezing, isn't it? It's freaking freezing. It is, man. Minus three today. Nah, we can't be having that. But it's minus... Oh, that's so... Like minus three for Britain.

[00:13:34] That's the same as a Canadian saying it's minus 42. That's a fight of polar bears to get out of your house. Yeah, I don't think they make a jacket fucking warm enough at TK Maxx. I bet you eight people died in Sheffield today. Fucking... I took my dog for a walk this morning and I forgot my big coat, so I unintentionally set myself up for a morning run.

[00:14:04] So I fucking ran around where I usually take my dog and he would just fucking follow me around like thinking, this is not what we fucking do, you bastard. Just fucking dragging him along. Because I'm trying to keep warm and not die. See, even the animals in Britain know when it's too cold. Of course they fucking do it. But we don't listen to them at all. It's sort of like that parrot in the cave. All the parrot's dead, but English Bill will go, eh, let's just go in there anyway. Yeah.

[00:14:36] That's fabulous. What do you do then, Bill? What's your... Everybody knows what I do. What do you do, Bill? What's your deal? So part-time, like I said, doing this and comedy, and then I am a facilities manager running schools and the services and, you know, boilers and all that fun stuff. Oh, boilers. Right on. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. So I do waste the energy. Yep. Yeah, totally. Me and you. You're right. We're keeping Jack in business now. We do.

[00:15:06] Every time he comes, I just sit there flicking kettle on and off. Amazing, man. Okay, that's beautiful, Jack. That's beautiful, man. So where do you go with this podcast? What are we doing? Why did you call it Mind Man? I don't know. You could tell this, yeah. So Billy has got a burning desire to, like, just be liked. He needs to be liked, Billy.

[00:15:35] He's a little bit of a people pleaser, aren't you? I was raised by women. Yeah. Hey, me too, Bill. Me too. You bet. Single mom. Yeah. Right here. Please like me. He said to me, he said, I'm thinking about doing a podcast. And I can't remember what his original idea is. It was something, like, really, really niche. So that, like, there'd probably only be four people that listen to him. And I said to him, you know, that's not going to work at all. No.

[00:16:04] And I said to him, you want to do, like, a long-form standing podcast where you just chat to people in general. There's, like, virtually no script. There's, like, you just do, like, a few little segments or something like that. And then I said, right, well, we need to figure out a name for something like that. So I said, let's do a mind map. We'll brainstorm it. And he literally went, he went, we'll call it Mind Map. That were literally it. Now we're there designing logos. And I've already signed it up, pal.

[00:16:32] That's such a great story, man. Yeah. So we've been about 18 months. Some of them. We've obviously cut didn't really well on his downloads. I love the way Sheffield says 18 months. Like, you just fucking fuck that ass, Billy. Fuck that ass. You know what? You know, you say 18, it's been about, I thought Eric could just say, it's been about 18 months now. Oh, not months. Yeah, 18 months. No, yeah.

[00:17:02] Yeah. We should certainly try and type it. And you're a largely small town. Yeah. We don't speak properly. We miss words and letters. Are you well? Do you do that on purpose, though? Like, I mean, I'm not judging or nothing. I enjoy it. I enjoy it. I think it's funny. It might be laziness, maybe. Maybe we just got used to speaking like that. I think what it is, is we're too busy a day to be doing full sentences. We've got shit to do, man.

[00:17:28] We've got to, you know, feed cows and we've got to take whippets out. I don't know what fucking cows you're feeding, but I'm not feeding cows. There's not enough months in the year. Yeah. Yeah, so yeah, we did it for about 18 months. We had a bit of a break. We'd managed to do a space live show in Sheffield. So we managed to get a live show, didn't we? Yeah.

[00:17:54] One of my mates owns a pizza place in Kellam Island in Sheffield. So we got him on, we got him on Blower and just said, oh, we're going to do a live podcast in restaurant. And they were up for it, like. So we had like quite a few people in and everybody ate pizza and listened to us fucking talk shit. Jack. Right. That point, yeah. Absolutely amazing, man. This is now the world we're living in, isn't it? Yeah. Isn't it? Yeah. This is what I always say. Fucking the Truman Show has shown up, man. Yeah, that's it.

[00:18:23] Everybody's got a fucking channel now. Everybody's got a channel. And I love it, man. Yeah. Because, Bill, I think everybody's got a little bit of star in them. You know what I mean? Yeah. Everybody's got a little bit of star in them. And they've never been able to find a little outlet to do it. But you guys, like, this is what I love. Listen, if I wasn't a comedian and still in my hometown and podcast show, are you fucking

[00:18:53] kidding me? It'd be Billy, Tom, and Jack. We'd be, except we'd have, like, Jack Daniels. And we'd been talking until we would start sounding like we're from Sheffield. About after nine glasses. Nine glasses, yeah. Yeah. That's great, you guys. Awesome. Nice. How was it? So how was you? I've seen that. Are you nearly the end of your tour? Risky business?

[00:19:24] We just finished. Okay. We're almost done. I can't even imagine. I'm brain dead on that one, Bill. Yeah, I'm brain dead. Like, I love it. I go in there. I do it. It's great every time. Because it's like, it changes all the time. It all depends who the fuck you're talking to. And anybody who's seen the show knows what the fuck I'm talking about, man. Yeah. Because I love people, Billy. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah.

[00:19:52] So I think I've got about 18 more shows left. I think there's 18 more in art centres and small theatres around the UK. Fucking hell, that sounds buff. Oh, thank you. I was at an art centre in the UK. It's just going to be a crisp packet stuck to the wall. Yeah. I saw one other day where this guy, right, in a modern art centre, he got a wheelbarrow full of muck, right?

[00:20:20] And it was like a modern art contemporary piece. And all it were, he'd just got a shovel, just taking mud out of a barrow and putting it on flour. And then he laid in it and he did like a starfish. That were it. And people were paying to go and watch it. 10 million quid. And it was like 40 quid for a ticket to go and watch it. And I just thought, this is fucking money laundering. What's fucking happening here? Ridiculous. Anyway, sorry. That was just a little lie. It were funny, Bill.

[00:20:49] Yeah, yeah. It were funny. Yeah, I've written that down. That's it. That's amazing. Yeah, man. Have you guys been to the show? Have you guys come down to it? We haven't, unfortunately. No. That's okay. We're looking for tickets and we're going to try and get one towards the end of, I think you're still going to end of March, aren't you? Yeah, man. Just tell me which one you want to go to. I'll get you two tickets. Oh, fantastic. Of course I will. Oh, fantastic.

[00:21:19] Do you stay over there or do you travel back? Is it Scotland you live now? Yeah, I'm up in Scotland right now. Yeah, but I'll stay over and all that, man. Look, I go and party with a lot of the dudes that come to the show anyways. Nice. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. That's one of my things. Okay. I love hanging out with you guys, man. I like hearing about your fucking town. I like hearing your fucking accent. I love it. I love it. It feels like I...

[00:21:48] I think I'm more worldly... I think I'm more British than a lot of Brits are. Okay, nice. Just because... I'll tell you why. Just because... I bet you I've been to more cities and towns... Yeah. ...on this island than you guys have. But you guys have definitely been there. You guys are definitely Sheffield. There's no doubt in my mind. All that stuff. You know what I mean? And I think that's what...

[00:22:16] But, man, I've been down... Have you been to Torquay yet? Yeah, yeah. I have, yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah. Got a nose, Lee. It's like going abroad, isn't it? You wouldn't believe it's in England, would you? They called it the English Riviera. I'm like going, man, I don't remember this many homeless people being on the Riviera. Yeah.

[00:22:47] Riviera sounds like it's posh. But, yeah, there seems to be a lot of heroin here in Riviera. That sounds like something that's been going off and hate. So, Billy's moved to Sheffield. I actually live in Rotherham. And Rotherham, if you didn't know... Rotherham. Rotherham's a bit of a shithole, right? Yeah, I know Rotherham. What's it? The council, I don't know whether they've finished it or they've just finished planning it, but there's like a river that goes through the middle of Rotherham town centre

[00:23:15] and they put plans in place to make it like Venice in Italy. They were going to have restaurants outside of this river and all that lot. And just so far, all they've done is take one trolley out at River. There's still fucking tyres and shit everywhere. It's ridiculous. Bearing in mind every murder we have in our little small town, they're normally dumped in a canal. Yeah, there's only about fucking seven bodies at the bottom of there. Well, how cool will that be? You'll be sitting there, you know, you'll be sitting there. What are one of those... You got the, oh, fucking ZZs.

[00:23:45] Oh, yeah. Sitting there at a ZZs. Watching some bodies float by while you're handing them your case cards. Yeah. You can sample the water. Yeah, I love the case card that much. I got to renew my case card. Then that is easy to rob the draft. Yeah. That's the only way you eat it, if you're a student. Oh, it's just cards. Yeah.

[00:24:15] So funny. That's one of the best things about being old and being a student as well. Because I go to cashiers and say, do you do student discount? And they almost look at me like I'm a fucking idiot. Because obviously I don't look like a student, do I? So they think that I'm fucking... They always have to check my ID and stuff like that, which I think is funny. Well, Jack, can we get rid of the mystery? How old are you, Jack? I'm 29 in July. Oh, right on. Okay. And how old are you, Bill? I'm 29 in April. Right on, man.

[00:24:44] Okay. Okay. Let me ask you this. Have you guys been friends the whole time? Wait, I need to answer this. Wait, I need to answer this. Are you guys high school buddies and shit? So we're absolutely best friends. He's going to be my best man at my wedding. Oh, nice. But in secondary school, he was my school bully. So we've come full circle. I've won him round. Oh, no way, man. Did you just get the fuck out of Jack? No, no.

[00:25:13] He never physically abused me, just mentally, so I'd go and cry. That's all it were. I was in a crowd. I'm joking. I'm joking. That was a joint abusing him. Yeah. Okay. I'll admit, I never stuck up for you. Yeah. And I did that through the odd your mum commenting. But I won't say bullies. I won't call it bullies. Okay. We'll not call it bullying. We'll just call it hazing with the lack of friendship. I mean, he had a mole. Okay. Coco Pop mole.

[00:25:45] Well, I want to bully them too, then. We're dying. The opportunities just kept coming. Yeah. You're not a mature man. It would have been by 11. Okay. Have you seen our Sonic run, Sonic the Hedgehog? Yeah. That's what he's doing in fucking break time. We're a big Coco Pop. It was just easy to target. Yeah. I will. I will get. I was. I was very easy to bully. If I were me now, I would have bullied me as a child. I think. Right. I think. I don't know what it is. How old are we talking?

[00:26:14] I'm thinking you're 11 and 12. Yeah. Something like that. Yeah. Is that right? At that age, I feel like I'm either autistic or something like that because I've just learned from an assessment, I think they'd have said, yeah, you're pretty much fucked. Do you know what I mean? But I've managed to evade it. I've only found out that I'm actually dyslexic like last two years ago. So I've been like doing shitty handwritten notes and just thinking everybody does this.

[00:26:42] Like I tried to write a sentence the other day and I can't remember what it were I was writing. But instead of writing an S, I wrote a seven and I had just no idea why. And I had to get a complete new piece of paper because it is something that I couldn't scribble out. I think like a government document. So imagine this in your blender. You've got Yorkshire and you've got dyslexia in one. Yeah. And this fucker is going to tell us how to say it, planet. Yeah. That's our guy.

[00:27:09] It'll be like Joe Biden when every time he comes and speaks. Yeah. Nice. That's awesome. That's a great story, Jack. That's a great story, man. Thank you. And that's so funny that they like, they didn't know you had dyslexia. Like your whole time in high school. They just looked at your paper. I don't understand this. Okay. C minus. Yeah.

[00:27:39] Get the fuck out of my class. No word of a lie. Stupid ass pop mole. Watch your face. Even the teachers probably had a shot. No word of a lie. One of my pieces of assessments, I had to rewrite because the teacher couldn't read what I was saying. So funny. So funny, man. That's great. Bill, that's great. But look at you now, Bill. Toughen you up, man. Yeah.

[00:28:07] You know, like you learn how to take a joke and all that shit. You know? It's character building. That's what we're missing nowadays. People are not getting that character building. No. That's why people are fucking just like... Generational drama. Yeah. I've suppressed that so much, I've become a man. That's what it is. Like, that's how you get to it. But yeah. You're from my neck in the woods, guys. Of course. I'm from the... Fuck, I grew up in the 80s. Nobody even gave a shit.

[00:28:35] I think there's some dead kids still back there. I'm pretty sure we killed one of them. I don't know. Nice. Very nice. It's like... You know, like... I don't know, right? I guess if you're bullied now... What is it? Like a cyber bully shit, man? Yeah. It's all online, isn't it? Yeah. What's funny, that? Huh? Cyber bully?

[00:29:04] I couldn't even imagine how I wouldn't give a shit about that. I suppose it's even worse nowadays because... Like, back in the day, if you didn't get invited to out, you'd just feel left out. Whereas now, if you don't get invited to somewhere, but everybody else knows that you didn't get invited to somewhere because it's posted all over social media. Yeah. And stuff like that. So it's like amplified, isn't it? Yeah, but that's how you handle it, right? Yeah, yeah. That's how you fucking handle it. Yeah. You sit there and go,

[00:29:32] I didn't want to go to your stupid-ass fucking party anyways. See, the easiest thing now to just stop bullying is AI. AI. Someone writes an aggressive message to you, you'll get AI, you get a picture of the mum, you fucking download a porn video, and it's you fucking the mum. There you go. Post that everywhere. Boom. Yeah. Easy. Golden. Easy. You can attack back. Yeah. You're right. Yeah. We're on the rise. We're on the rise. When Billy was pounding you,

[00:30:00] he could have attacked back. He could have. Easy. He could have. He was bigger. He was bigger, stronger. You had to use your brain. Yeah. Try it out with this fucking giant. Yeah. And then get the hell out of there. Now I'm a cyberbullying. You're right. Yeah. You can fight back so easily, God. You fucking take that back. Yeah. You have the tools now. One of the wizards at computers that get bullied now, they could just destroy your entire life in about five minutes, can't they? Yeah.

[00:30:30] Oh, probably, man. Because when you're a kid, you're not scared to press a button. That's it, yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. That's it. Oh, that's older folks. You're like, oh, but press this, I'd probably never get it into my account again. Yeah, yeah. So we'll just leave it as is. We're kids. I wonder what this does. Oh, my God. I've just fucking found the database for Amazon. Yeah. Yeah. I would have posted it on Twitter. Do you ever get worried about that, Tom?

[00:30:59] Like, with your social presence and anybody, like, hacking in, you know, any dick pics sneaking out? Oh, no. I couldn't do anything about it if I wanted to. It's one of those things, man. Like, if they're coming for you, they're coming for you. Unless you know your way around this shit. If they really want you, man. Like, are you telling me if the, like, I'm not a conspiracy, whatever,

[00:31:26] but if somebody like government guy wants it, there's nothing you can fuck it. All I know how to do is pay my account, whatever. Here's my $45 for my dolphin plan. Hope nobody gets my passwords. I've got five passwords. And I've got the ralts. I just interchange them whenever I'm feeling, like, super cyber secure. Oh.

[00:31:55] I just change them every time I try to get into something, because I forgot the last one. So I always press that. Did you forget your password? Yes, I did. I did. And then they'll tell me that's not a strong password. Yeah. And I'll go, good. Maybe. Yeah. Right? Do you know what's even funny when you're resetting passwords

[00:32:22] is when you put your new password in and it says, your new password cannot be your old password. Yeah. Yeah. You're like, you've just entered Matrix. Yeah. But I love when it says, same as that, where it says a strong password, this is not a strong enough password. I've put my fucking child's name in. What do you mean? Yeah. Are you saying fucking Jim Smith? You're saying it's not strong? Yeah. That's great. So I've got a question for you, Tom. Okay. Get me. Yep.

[00:32:52] So obviously you've been around the UK quite a lot. Yeah. Gigging all over. Is there any special place that, you know, when you know that you're going, you just get excited to think, I can't wait to get back with you? There's a lot of those, Bill. They're not like, they're not just one, man. Yeah. In fact, in fact, okay, Bill, here's something for you, man. It's honestly, man.

[00:33:21] Like when I go to Sheffield, it's awesome. I can tell you who I'm going to meet them. I need to meet a guy named Trevor Benton. You know what I mean? I'm going to meet his family up again. There's a guy named Wayne that I'll meet in there. And plus new people show up all the time. But I'm telling you, like these guys have come to like, seen it for 13 years. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's like they're fans, they're friends.

[00:33:49] I mean, I'm not inviting them over or anything. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, but when I go there, it's like, we know we're meeting up. Yeah. You know what I mean? And then you meet all these other people and it doesn't matter where I go. I have places like that. You know what I mean? Because Bill, in the end, in the end, man, in the end, the reason I'm even doing this podcast, I'll tell you why, is because, and I say this to everybody, comedy is secondary to me. I just got good at it.

[00:34:18] You know what I mean? I don't know because I just like having a good time and fucking laughing. My brain's already thought, yeah, I should do a joke on passwords and me forget my passwords. After this podcast is done, I'm writing that down in my notes. Ooh, what did I think of that? How did I find out that? Because that's a true thing, right? Yeah, yeah. That's such a true thing for me. But my whole thing was always, I just wanted to travel and meet people.

[00:34:48] And that was about it. That's it, man. Like, that's what you want to do. That's what anyone wants to do. They want to go and meet people. And I was saying this in the other one, okay? Bring it to me. I just ate eggs and sourdough. So, and a bunch of chocolate. So, at 54, I'm going to need some Rennies pretty soon. Like, if I die of a heart attack on this podcast, that would be amazing.

[00:35:17] It'd be amazing for us. I don't know about you. Oh, it would be great. That would be my final clip. That would be my final clip. It would be my cynical, too. How far did he get? You know, I'm at Bill and Jack's podcast. But the best part is that when you're a comedian, it's easier to meet people when you travel. You know what I mean? Yeah. That's the best part about it. Nice.

[00:35:44] So, whenever I go to all these places, they're all pretty good, man. Because I know most of the people that you go there. Because it's the people that make the town good, not the town. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. It really is. If you go to a town and you haven't met anybody and they're fucking dicks and all that sort of shit, then that town probably sucks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean?

[00:36:11] But I've yet to fucking find a town. There's always one or two really cool dudes that are fucking always awesome to hang out with. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I've got a question. Are you superstitious? Like, before you go and do a set, have you got like a certain routine that you've got to do? Do you have a wank or something? Yeah. Do I have a wank? Wouldn't you like to know what else would say? I'm going to cyber bully you. Yeah. Put your mom's face there. Yeah.

[00:36:40] Hey, Bill. You're doing this. Remember me? Remember me? Oh. I don't have a superstition thing. No, man. Okay. No, no, no. There is nothing. Every so often, like when me and Billy need to get hyped up and stuff, what we'll do, we'll stand and slap each other in the face. Slap, slap. Slap, slap. So we'll like try to hype each other up and just slap each other because then you get slightly adrenaline flowing and then you just feel up for it, don't you?

[00:37:10] Yeah, that's cool. Hold on. Can I go for one second? Yeah, yeah. I'll be here and do sex. Do sex. I got to find a goddamn Reddy's for sure, man. Not a problem. Oh, my God. He's going to die. No, hold on. Hold on. Hold on. I think I have some in here. Tom, if you die, can you die on screen, please? Yeah, I'll come back and have a heart attack. You don't worry about that. Thank you. Hold on. Thank you. Hold on. Stay there, buddy. Stay there. Okay. Eddie's moving.

[00:37:40] This is the first podcast I've had to really go, I think I might be dying. I think I seriously might be dying. And you're sharing your last moments. Yeah, man. Okay, I'm coming back. Okay, no worries. I'm coming back. Don't stress. Don't stress. No, I ain't stressing. All right. Your heart sounds pretty fragile at the minute. Don't stress. Don't put added stress on. Can you hear it from here? Fucking hell, that's a big box.

[00:38:11] Any 50-year-old man will go, that's not enough fucking. I'm going to live. Oh, my God. I'm going to live. Fantastic. Fantastic. Well, thank God. Fantastic. Yeah. We can carry on now. Oh, brilliant. I'm glad you're alive. Oh, that was delicious. That's the best part about it. English people go for Rennies, don't they? Yeah.

[00:38:41] And there's only two flavors. Yeah. Yeah. Either peppermint or spearmint. Yeah. Are you kidding me? What flavor is that? Assorted fruit flavors. Assorted fruit flavors. Fucking hell, you've got wine gum Rennies. How's your work that out? That's Tums, man. Tums. Do we even sell them here? Oh, yeah. Where have you got them from? Are you going for a backroom deal or shit? Amazon, man. Okay. Nice. You're on Amazon.

[00:39:10] I'll see all my old peeps out there that are watching them. They're in Jack's show. Sponsored by Tums. Sponsored by Tums. I didn't know I could get them. That's why they're smoking around here. Can you imagine just the advert? This is a man who nearly had a heart attack. This man was 30 seconds away from dying and he had a Tums and he's alive. Come save my life.

[00:39:38] Definitely save the next 20 minutes of this podcast. Yeah. So just before we kind of go on to the segment bit, there's just one thing that, you know, me and Jack, we've watched it over and over again. I think for us, it's probably the best we've ever seen. We're still even like referencing it today. Is your comedy roadshow set? The meat van thing. In Wolverhampton. That's fucking hilarious. That's hilarious.

[00:40:08] That would call it. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. What's just happened here? Go there for a second. Go stress. It's fine. Are you fucking kidding me? Have you eaten the earphone? Are you kidding me? Can you hear me still? Yeah. So funny.

[00:40:39] That was hilarious. Okay. You're right. Yeah. Fantastic. Yeah. That was so fucking funny, man. What happened? It's a little piece here. Yeah. Yeah. It fell out. And I went, what the fuck? What? Right into the pocket. Okay. So as an old guy, I'm like going, oh my God, I think I just witnessed a miracle. My ear pod just disappeared. Yeah.

[00:41:07] That's what shirt pockets were invented for, you know? Dude, that was a save and a half, man. All right. Meat van. You were asking about a meat van. Yeah. Okay. What did you want to know? So, one, is that, did you really witness all that? Yeah, of course. Yeah. Yeah. Exaggerated a little bit, but pretty much. Like you said, it was just more like admiration for it, really. Because like you said, even now, I mean, it was some years ago now, weren't it? Maybe.

[00:41:38] You know what, Billy? I'll say this and I've said this many times. It's like a goddamn hit song, man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, and you're right. People, there are jokes people have in their entire career, but there's jokes that I have that people remember from way back when. Yeah.

[00:42:06] Which, I'm going to be honest with you, Bill. I'm fucking honored, man. I am. Because you know how many people would love to write a joke like that? Yeah. That is so memorable. Yeah. That's up there with garlic bread. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If I just said garlic bread, you know what I'm talking about. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Probably jobby. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:42:35] And if you just say meat, then. Yeah. That's this guy here. Yeah. So. and there's only so many of those jokes that people remember and I got one of them I got one of them so I won and plus I've got a few others that a lot of people know a lot I was listening to something earlier that you said about interventions when you're on a black drink drive there's no fucking balloon so I know which one this is

[00:43:04] yeah but you know what isn't that oh this is something I've never but you know what I've just realized what we're talking about is that yeah there have been there have been like like everybody remembers the old shit you know what I mean but very few can mean like I don't repeat anything you know what I mean every year I do a new show

[00:43:33] you know what I mean and it's funny because people want to pigeonhole you back into that one time yeah yeah yeah my true fans they've come along for the whole fucking ride yeah yeah yeah yeah and there's and every album I do there's one or two jokes that they all just can't get enough of man yeah yeah and so it's sort of like it's really funny because once you do have that one big hit song yeah

[00:44:03] you always want to go back and it's hard you feel I feel for the bands like yeah like Def Leppard isn't they from Sheffield or something like that yeah yeah yeah you know and they rock come on man hysteria one arm one arm drummer yeah yeah one arm drummer a fucking killer but we've what's their newest album called Def Leppard yeah fucking hell I don't know I like country music exactly

[00:44:32] I'm just saying no yeah yeah I'm just saying yeah yeah yeah you couldn't tell me even though I know they've got one yeah but which is which is actually more surprising because I thought most of them would be dead now yeah which is yeah ridiculous but yeah yeah I get what you're saying though because you guys got a bunch of people you got like Howard Jones yeah I think it's from there do you guys claim Howard you guys do this from Sheffield well there's there's also

[00:45:01] what's his name from Sheffield from Killers is it not not Killers it's fucking Arctic Monkeys Arctic Monkeys yeah yeah yeah that's yeah but that's your guys' gender yeah that's your generation it's Arctic Monkeys you were you were trying to make you were fucking old should he be yeah yeah so fun man yeah dude alright Jack's just breaking it

[00:45:32] are we good yeah we're good are you still there yeah it's my big feet oh I can't see anything oh there we go it's my big feet I've just nearly took out all the fucking wires with my feet I love it I feel like I'm on BBC Radio 2 and then we're high-jacked nice are we about ready for the segment yeah so we have a segment it's a segment then I gotta get going you guys yeah yeah it's a quick spot to be fair

[00:46:02] right we've just got to do a song and then we'll tell you what it is ready okay three two one segment time segment time it is segment time yeah zero rehearsal yeah wow that's amazing so what segment we've come up with today is especially for you Tom and because you love Yorkshire so much I do I don't know if you know this

[00:46:32] but it took God six days to make the world but he spent the seventh making Yorkshire so what we're gonna do today I guess he was kind of tired yeah is that what happened yeah I can't feel my arms what we're gonna do is we're gonna test your knowledge and we're gonna throw some bit old school and new Yorkshire slang at you and to see if you know the meaning of it

[00:47:01] or what it what it means okay I love it you have Cockney rhyme we have Yorkshire slang no word hey dude listen I actually like this because whether I get it right or wrong next time I come down there yeah I'm gonna chuck it out so this is good perfect perfect I love it right so we'll take it in turns I'll do one you'll do one alright okay right so the first one for me is it looks like Blackpool Illuminations in here

[00:47:30] what does that mean it looks like Blackpool Illuminations in here yeah it looks like okay Blackpool Illumination obviously somebody not that bright light no well you're kind of close so what it means is if you've left all the lights on in the house oh if you left all the yeah so if someone's left

[00:48:00] all the lights on you're like you know your mum and dad just go walking and go it looks like fucking Blackpool Illuminations in here Blackpool Illuminations in here okay cool so that's well I thought it was dealing with a person but nice nice okay hey Trevor looks like Blackpool Illuminations in here shut up the goddamn noise actually sorry texting on the table sorry sweetheart

[00:48:36] it's down there just go through it's down there just go through it's down there just go through Gino Gino Gino so that's the one Gino it's down there Gino so I gotta figure out what Gino means Gino so G-I-N-E-L Gino yeah kind of like that yeah Gino you just make it sound very posh

[00:49:05] yeah Gino Gino oh Gino Gino there you go Gino like go down Gino yeah yeah yeah go down and get it Gino so a Gino is an alleyway so like so we call them Gino's so it's like an alleyway Gino is an alleyway yeah so a Gino rock and roll so it's got how the fuck did you guys get from Gino I get Blackpool Illumination Gino

[00:49:36] like where does that even come from then we have no idea we don't know you just say it brought up with it it's also got it's got three other words that one so you can you have a pick of three you've got Gino you've got Snicket and you've got Genel Gino Snicket and Genel Genel all mean alleyways yes oh okay okay okay so yeah we like you have a choice you can take your pick you can take your pick

[00:50:06] well I'm going with Gino for sure just cause just cause I've heard it but Snicket what is it Snicker Snicket Snicket Snicket so like so like Snickers Snickers but we're we're out of tea Snicket I want I want next time I come on this podcast I want you to tell me how the fuck that happened yeah yeah that can be our apartment yeah I think that should be

[00:50:36] another part of your segment yeah is where it comes from because I bet you it would be hilarious yeah okay okay so I'm zero for two Jesus Christ who's that guy that always does Radio 2 that's from there what's the big is it Jeremy Vine no that guy's a cunt Chris Mars Chris Mars Chris Mars no no he's a big tall dude he always says he's from Yorkshire where too pretty for Radio 2

[00:51:05] he's on Radio 2 he's married to from Yorkshire I'm not sure yeah oh it's gonna kill me man you can't leave until you figure it out yeah what's his name that Jeremy Vine he's a big he's a tall guy teeth his teeth got good teeth really nice teeth good teeth he's married to one of the girls from Celebrity Juice or whatever

[00:51:35] Celebrity Juice I feel like I know who you're talking about go on google it google it google it billy Yorkshire guy I think did you say it was BBC2 yeah so there's Gregory Spandwick yeah Toby Foster Toby Foster no I know Toby he's pretty famous man he's a pretty famous guy fucking hell I have no idea Matt Wilkinson

[00:52:04] no no like he's proper big guy he's proper we're not old enough to listen to BBC2 yet where's the long BBC1 Yorkshire oh yeah that's not Yorkshire Radio just BBC2 BBC2 like not just Yorkshire this guy's like all over he's in London no it's not Dammit O'Leary is it he's married to one of the two girls one of them Holly Willoughby and who's the other one Fern

[00:52:36] erm what's her name man right so there's Michael Ball yeah Rob Beckett no Tony Blackburn no Ryan Clark OJ OJ Bodge I think we've said every fucking one apart from Rylan yeah Fern Cotton is obviously Fern who's married to Fern Cotton I'll find out hang on let me get it up who's married to her we'll fucking figure this out

[00:53:05] don't you worry Tom yeah we got a mystery we got a mystery to tell him here too I'm just getting five different things come up so I can't spell hang on yeah oh correct Stephen fucking struggling yeah is it Jesse Wood no well that's what she's fucking married to unless she's having an affair no what the fuck's his name Vernon Vernon

[00:53:35] Vernon is it Vernon K oh yeah he's a TV host he does take me out of that with massive fucking dashes yeah yeah he's a TV right yeah it's TV yeah yeah Vernon K sorry yeah we did it took a while would he know what my question was would he know what Ginnall is yeah if he's a Yorkshireman yeah yeah probably oh okay I'm gonna talk

[00:54:05] well next time I see Vern I'm gonna go hey man I wanna take you down the Ginnall that sounds wrong and if he runs you know that you've said it right yeah man I want you to meet me so I can take you down take you down the Ginnall well that used to be once you pulled it those you just used to set some don't want a good Aunt Ginnall that's great I've got I've got one for you okay I don't know no

[00:54:35] about oh that doesn't even sound like a real language no fucking way I'm getting I don't know about no I don't know about no I don't know about no I don't know about no you don't I don't know about no oh about no oh about no no say it one more time to me I don't know about no

[00:55:05] I don't know about no so what do I not know about I'm assuming the beginning is the actual translation right I don't know about no is the thing yeah yeah kind of yeah holy do you want to phone a friend phone and care yeah I want okay so so right I don't know I don't know about no so

[00:55:35] that is obviously you so that so I'm saying you that don't know about no that means you don't know anything basically you don't know anything about nothing oh you don't know I don't you don't know about nothing you don't know about nothing oh I should have got that one I could have got that one that was actually one boo boo so let's do a couple more with that so put wood in oil say that one put the wood in the oil

[00:56:04] put the wood in the oil oil well that sounds sexual then that sounds that sounds awesome how'd your mum feel was your mum involved in that when I tell you what it means you'll she was very she was very well put the wood in the oil yeah put the wood in the oil

[00:56:32] I'm gonna turn the heat on no no hold on something's happened to my earphones here just a second can you hear me now yeah okay these are done okay okay you can still hear me good yeah we're good okay perfect what is it what it means if you've left the door open you've got to shut the door you've got to

[00:57:02] shut the door put the wood in the oil so put the wood in the oil yeah so the door is wooden and if it's open there's a hole so we sometimes say hole as oil so that means like hole so you're putting the wood in the hole oh I love it I fucking love it I absolutely love it and then the secondary phase to that like the second phrase is was you raised in a barn oh okay we all know

[00:57:32] that one yeah that's universal well were you raised in a barn yeah fucking put the wood in the oil what about this what about this one and then if I said that they'd go you were definitely raised in a barn yeah yeah because nobody says that only barn people say that yeah can you put it on a cob can you can you put it on a cob on a cob fuck off what's that

[00:58:01] what the fuck does that even mean what can you put it on a cob can you put it on a cob c-o-b cob like like corn on the cob no it's a bread cake it's a bread cake can you put could you put it on a bread cake on a sandwich on a sandwich you'll not know what a bread cake is either will you oh yeah so we either call it a cob or a bread cake okay it's basically so let me get this right so now I know what kinnel is yeah

[00:58:31] okay I know what fucking uh you know what which it means you know nothing yeah uh let me get fucking put the wood in the oil yeah there you go that means shut the door yeah and fucking cob yeah it's it's a fucking kind of a bread sandwich that's it yeah yeah to fucking in Sheffield yeah like so could I

[00:59:00] get that at a restaurant what a cob a cob yeah I mean it depends what kind of restaurant you go to if you go to a bacon sandwich van then yeah you'll get one but if you go to a bacon sandwich barn yeah with wood in oil yeah okay Jesus and if I like it looks like Blackpool Illuminations yeah Blackpool Illuminations in here that's great so then there's the last couple of three okay hit me with one more guys yeah one more so

[00:59:29] boots and kites we'll get your boots and kites on boots and kites yeah boots and kites get your boots and kites on that you the way that you said that actually sound a bit scouser yeah boots and kites get your boots and kites is boots boots boots yes and kites coat coat put your boot and coat on kite kites coat coat coat coat well you see I can you know what

[00:59:59] I can get that I can get why that happened somebody just got lazy staying coat yeah totally got lazy staying coat you know and then just one more word to throw it at you and then we're done we promise is that okay guys yeah yeah water water I'll have a glass of water water obviously water we don't say we don't say water we say water water water

[01:00:29] you do that on purpose though no that's just how we say it no I know that's how you say it but you know that's not how you say it yeah no I know the Queen's English version you're just saying it because it's different we know the Queen's English version but we don't ever go to like shop and say can we have some water please oh okay water yeah that's it water yeah water water

[01:00:59] 7up yeah what's up yeah yeah yeah yeah that's amazing guys that's fucking amazing Tom you've been amazing we really appreciate you coming on you've been amazing you guys have been fucking a blast man what show you guys want to go to yeah okay and then we'll set it up sweet and you just meet me there and we'll go for a beer or something man that would be great well Billy can message you on Instagram yeah of course

[01:01:29] yeah drop us a follow if you can Tom I will for sure you guys I will for sure but other than that like fucking it's been a real pleasure man seriously make sure you turn big light off in a bit it looks like blackpool illuminations off in yeah I'll tell my wife after I put the wood in the oil fantastic cheers Tom cheers guys cheers everybody cheers Tom bye cheers bye bye