The Elephant In The Room

[00:00:00] What'll I do when you are far? What'll I do when you are far? What'll I do when you are far? Hi Ella, how are you doing? You alright? Yeah, thanks. Really good to see you.

[00:00:30] It's nice to see you too. It's been a little while hasn't it? Yeah, yeah. It's been quite a long time. Hello Waffy. Actually, we'll do this first. Get the nice bit out of the way. I've got Waffy a little present. Oh really? Waffy. Waffy. Waffy, I've got you a present here. Waffy. Here you go. I mean it's, it's, it's, it's, um. What is it? I've got a couple of free balls.

[00:00:55] I mean, okay, it says I love my Dashun, but you know, she's not a Dashun, but. Let's throw it again it says. Yeah. Dashunt? Dashunt. Yeah, I've got them for free so. Can't be too fussy about the breed of dog. Right, yeah. But that's a present for Waffy. Oh that's so kind of you, Cass. Thanks so much. It's alright, we'll have a little play with me in the minutes. It's really, really generous of you. Do you know what? Let's just start with the elephant in the room. Right. Okay, two elephants. First elephant is, you have lost a bit of weight, so that's good.

[00:01:26] Right, thank you. You've been cutting down on them salmon on croot. Yeah, yeah. But I've just got to get it out my system. Right, yep, yep. Okay. The fact is, you've not paid me for a month. Right, yes, no. Well, I was going to speak to you about that actually. Well, I was going to find you, I thought, shall I get on the train? I've had my last invoice paid yet. You've always paid me for the last few years. I thought, shall I, shan't I? Shall I, shan't I? And I did.

[00:01:57] Right. So, I'm here. Right. So, what's going on? Or is there a cash flow problem? I'm so sorry. It's, well, yes. It's a bit embarrassing. I mean, I should have really talked to you about this before. Things have been a bit tight. But I was actually thinking how we could sort of turn that around. Because I know I owe you for a bit of remote.

[00:02:26] Telepathic massage, you were also on me for the last session. And am you going to pay me for today? Right, yeah. Well, I've got this kind of project that I'm doing with Janie, which should sort of, you know. Your best friend? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's kind of ironic, sort of art house-y, sort of. I don't understand what you're saying. It's like a film. It's a film, basically. Oh, you're my filmmaker now?

[00:02:53] Well, no, it's kind of like, it's kind of like riding off the back of the success of, I don't know if you've heard of, Bonnie Blue, which is kind of. Bonnie Blue. Well, it's. Is that like a cartoon for kids? No, it's kind of like an adult. It's like someone who makes money out of, it's not really prostitution, but it's, you know. What?

[00:03:17] On, you know. Anyway, I just thought, I thought, gosh, this is so interesting at the moment, you know, with like, you know, empowerment of our bodies and, you know, wouldn't it be interesting to do a kind of ironic version of that with Janie, who's really loved sex? Anyway, it's too much information, probably. So anyway, I'm sort of in the process of kind of clinching that idea, which hopefully will be going into production next week.

[00:03:48] I don't know what to say here. This is very weird. Well, it is weird, actually. And that's kind of part of it. That's kind of, look at what I'm kind of quite excited about. I think that's probably going to be quite fruitful in terms of monetarily. So that was one idea. Anyway, I don't want to overload you. That's one idea. The other idea, I thought, was, you know, we get on really well. And I know, you know, I've never been to Birmingham.

[00:04:17] And I know, you know, you probably, you know, if you are a bit stretched for help, I wondered if I could come up to Birmingham and maybe be your assistant or, you know, pay you back in kind, I suppose. Well, right, you're literally bowling me over for six here. Right. First of all, I don't know what all this sex stuff is about, but it's a bit weird. So I'm going to park that. Well, it is weird. That's why it's kind of good.

[00:04:46] Second of all, I don't need an assistant in Birmingham. Third of all, you could give me my quotes. You haven't given me my quotes. I asked for my quotes for the website. I can just make them up if you like. Because I did say I'll give you 10 minutes extra. Do you know what I mean? Like for my Instagram and everything. So you could do that immediately. Like after we finish today, send me some quotes. Right. But I have got another idea. Right. Okay. Which I'm just thinking about.

[00:05:13] Okay. Anything. I mean, you know, this is so important to me meeting you every week. Right. Well, the fact is, I've got a friend. She's like a prospective client. And she wants to give her bloody kid a dog. And I'm like, yes, you can have a dog. But you've got to be, you know, a dog is for life. Not just for Christmas.

[00:05:38] Exactly. I mean, it's not Christmas. It's Easter. Well, it's not even Easter, but it's around then. But the fact is, what I've said to this little kid, you know, I'm nine. And she's a little bit unreliable, shall I say. What, the nine-year-old? No, the mum. Right. Judy. Judy and the kids called Petra. Petra wants a dog. And I'm thinking, well, what we could do is...

[00:06:08] So we could do some kind of practice dog. She could have a practice dog. Right. She could have a practice dog for like, you know, maybe a month. Give it a month. So I've just had an idea. Mm-hmm. Then wanting a cockapoo. I mean, obviously, everyone's bloody cockapoo these days. I know Wafi isn't strictly an F1 cockapoo. But she's in that ballpark. She is an F1. She's not an F1. But, you know, she's got some kind of sort of stuff going on in there. But what I was just thinking is what I could do.

[00:06:38] Which might get you out of an hole and get you out of... Right. You don't want to be prostituting yourself, Ella. No, no, it's not me. It's my friend. Anyway, we're not prostituting. I could do is I could sub-letter. What? My friend? Janie? No, I could sub-let Wafi. So I could take Wafi back to Birmingham with me today and I could sub-letter for like, you know, two or three weeks. Really?

[00:07:04] And then I could maybe... So I could basically charge them the money that you owe me, sub-let Wafi, then bring her back next time I see you. It's a good idea. Yeah. And then you haven't got to worry about money. I'll look after Wafi. He'll do Wafi good because, to be honest, she's tied to you like, you know, a mother's apron type scenario.

[00:07:27] No, I can't. Cass, I... There's no way. I can't give you Wafi. She's the only thing I've got. What? I'm not saying you give them to me. I'm just saying I could take her for a month. No, I... Or like, you know, a couple of weeks. I reckon I could sub-letter for 300... She would be really upset about that. 300 quid away. That wouldn't work. That wouldn't work at all. 400 quid away. Well, it's a thought. I'm just... Well, it's not a very nice thought, is it?

[00:07:57] I'm just planting it as a thought. I'm not stealing her. I'm not a dog. I'm not a dog snatcher, am I? I'm not a dog snatcher. I'm just thinking I could take her, sub-letter, then women's quit. And then that'll sort out Petra and Judy going on at me about, oh, I need a bloody dog. Okay, what about if I come and stay with you, right? You're not staying with me, sorry. I don't know. People guesting me out. I don't mind where I sleep, honestly. On the kitchen floor. I really don't mind. I'm not fussy.

[00:08:26] If I come and stay with you, and then I can visit this girl every day with Waffle. What, if you compare me to rent? No, no, no. Then that will be my way. Like, you can still do your thing, you know, make money from it. But I don't have to, you know, give you Waffle without me being there. I mean, it's probably going to work out sort of better, really.

[00:08:51] Oh, I'll have to think about that one. I don't really like anybody in my personal space. I'm a very private person, actually, Ella. I know that I've come across, but basically, I'm a carer. I do a lot of serving other people. So when it gets to seven o'clock at night, I don't speak to anyone. So I switch off. I'm not a very nice person to live with. Oh, God. I mean, I won't even look at you.

[00:09:18] To be honest, I couldn't. I mean, I can't share my space. I can just go get in the cupboard. I mean, I don't mind. No, I can't. You won't even see me. No, to be honest, your bill's going to go up like tenfold if you live with me, because I'll have to charge you rent. Because the amount of energy drain that I'll have on my resources, if you were living with me, would be a bloody nightmare, to be fair. I don't mind giving you a couple of hours every month, and then the nice, you know, lovely telepathic massage.

[00:09:45] But actually having you in my personal space is not going to work. I mean, what are you, star sign? Um, Pisces. Right, yes. So you're a Pisces, and I'm an Aries, aren't I? Terrible clash, that. We'd literally kid each other. So no. Waffle! Right, where is Waffy? Waffy, come here. Let's do a bit of catching for us. What about Cass? What about, I mean, I can, what about liver cakes? Like chicken liver cakes, I can make those for dogs. You know, and you can sell them.

[00:10:14] Chicken liver cakes? Yeah, I'm really, I'm really good at baking and making cake. Where are you going to make them? Cake. Well, maybe in your kitchen, you know, that could be like a sideline. You can, you can have all the money for that. You're not cooking in my kitchen. You're not coming to Birmingham with me. Sorry. No. Cass, you know, I keep you in Hampstead, where I work. Like, me and Birmingham, we'm like. It wouldn't have to be long, you know. We could just do this thing with this girl. I could make liver cakes.

[00:10:44] You can sell them. Make a fortune. I'll just sleep on your floor with Waffle. No. It's an absolute hard no for me. The options are, you come up with the cash in the next month, right? With whatever you're doing with your mate, all a bit dodgy. Or, you could still blep me Waffle, which would be all right. What, me and Waffle? Get a world out with Waffle. Get a world out with Waffle. No, she might bite you if you do that. Get a world out with Waffle. I didn't warn you. She nearly bit you then.

[00:11:13] She never nearly bit me. Well, she did. I saw her teeth then. Just then. I was grabbing the ball. No. No. I know this dog. Honestly, she's dangerous, actually. Well, she can get... See? She's not there. She can get very... She can switch like that. I mean, I know you think you know her, but you don't really, really know her. And if you give her to a child, then, you know, that could be... Look. You could be in some serious trouble. Honestly. Honestly, Cass. Ella. Who am I? Cass.

[00:11:43] What's my company? What do you mean? I'm not a child. Psycho dog? Psycho dog, yes. Yes. What do I know, if nothing else? Yes, but I noticed then you kind of didn't... You don't quite know her. You don't live with her. She's... You know, she's not... We're bonded. Right. Before I go, we're going to do a few exercises. Okay. Give me a... There we go. Waffle. Waffle. Waffle. Come on, let's do some dog exercise. Go on. Ella. Quick. Ella, go. Right. Right.

[00:12:13] Okay. Hang on. Ella. Waffle. Guys, guys. Come on, Waffle. Waffle. Come on. Faster, Ella. Go on, Waffle. Good. Good. Goal. Shh. Goal. Go on. Get a goal in. Come on. That's it. So I'm the goal. This is good for you. This is really good. Look at her. She's great. Oh, that's a tricky spot. Can you get it out? Can you get it out?

[00:12:43] Good girl. Good girl. There we go. There we go. Good. There we go. Right. Ella. Yes. Yes, Cass. Yes, what? These balls are really good for keeping your own fit. Yeah? Yeah. Remember what we said last time? Right. We'll have some nice energetic exercise every day like this. It's not just walking in the park. Some kind of good old fitness you can do.

[00:13:13] Dog football, dog netball, anything you like. Dog cricket to get yourself nice and fit. What? I'm going to give you a reprieve. Oh, thank you so much. You've got one month. Right. Okay. Right, right, right. Do I pause on the telepathic massage, the Monday Fridays, or are we going to carry on? Because I've been working very hard.

[00:13:41] That's an extra 400 quid a week. They're not paying me. Right, yeah. Plus the sessions. I might even work on a bit of self-massage. You know, that's what I was thinking. I mean, I could teach you how to massage Waffle. I think I need to learn how to massage Waffle and myself. It's like self-soothing. You might have to ask your friend Janie for that. It's not my bad.

[00:14:11] I don't really know what to say. This is all going to be weird, to be honest. We've gone down a little bit of a cul-de-sac here. And I don't really want to come down there with you. Down that particular dark alley. So you go down that dark alley with Janie and do whatever you need to do. But you've either got to start paying me again or I can't be your therapist and your dog therapist anymore.

[00:14:39] I just don't know what I'm going to do without you. So, I've given you a solution, a very good solution. I could sublet Waffle. I can't give you Waffle. She's my life. Well, am I going to take her? I could take her today or I could take her next time. Please don't take my dog for me, Cass. Yeah, well, I mean, don't start crying on me. It'd be bloody weird. All right, I'm not going to take her today. I'm not that mean.

[00:15:08] I'm not going to take her if it's going to make you upset. Stop crying. I don't know what I do without your sessions seeing you. All right. What can I do? What can I do? What can I do? Think, think. Cassandra, think hard. Think hard. Have you got any friends you can recommend me to? Oh, God. Ella, stop crying. Ella, I'm not being good with human emotion. Oh, God.

[00:15:38] All right. All right, Ella, this is what I'm going to do. I'm actually going to go now. All right? I'm going to leave. No. Please don't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Well, I've got to get back. I've got to get back. You've had me half an hour. I'm going to go. I'm going to leave you to sit in this thought and stew on it, okay, for a little bit.

[00:16:06] Think about what you want to do, okay? Well, think about. Send me some good quotes. That might get me some more clients. No, God. Recommend me to anybody in the hamster community. I will. Because if I could come down and do a couple of your friends, then I could always tell you to reduce rate, couldn't I? If you could give me, I don't know. Whatever her name is. I don't have any money. Anybody. Shut up. Be quiet. Stop this silliness. Behave.

[00:16:37] Good girl. Stop it. Stay. Better. Right. You can recommend me to some of your other friends. What's your friends called that have got dogs? He's got a great day. Oh, great day. I can do a great day. I'm an asshole. I could probably charge him double for a great day.

[00:17:07] Big, big things. I reckon you could. I really do. He's got loads of money, actually. Right. He sounds great. I could definitely get Toby here. Get me Toby. Honestly. Get me another one. He's fucking loaded. Yeah. Perfect. Okay, brilliant. Okay. Then I can always do a special rate for you if you can get me some referrals. Yeah? Okay. That's what I've been asking for. Right. Send me my quotes. Quickspeed double. Okay. Think about it. And if we can't work out, we'll sublet Woffy on the next session. All right. I'm going to have to go now. I'm sorry.

[00:17:36] I haven't really given you much training. My main point is dog football, dog netball, dog cricket, any kind of dog exercise that you can do. Thank you. You're looking a bit thinner. I'm relieved about that. At least you are. Yeah. Yeah. Aren't the chub's meister that you were last time I saw you? Gosh. Very good. To be honest, you're looking a bit thin, so I don't know what to do with you. Okay. I'm really embarrassed about that, what I just did. Can we forget about that, that that happened? Let's forget it. I've just had a bit of a hard time. I don't even know what you're talking about.

[00:18:07] Okay. All right. We've reset. Just nice doggy work. Yep. Yep. Get them dash on balls flying. Okay. Like I said, I'll have some more money from my project next week anyway. Good. Right. I have to go. I'm sorry. Okay. I feel like I've been a bit harsh, but it's time to go. Don't worry. I'll definitely see you next week though, yeah? Yep. You're coming next week. Next week? Well, if it's next week, you've got to get me Toby double speed. Okay? Right. Okay.

[00:18:36] No, that's great. Message me. Send me them quotes today. Yeah. Otherwise, I'm just going to make them up. Will do. Have you got any, what do you want me to say? Is there anything in particular? She's the backbone of my life, the spine of my life. She came out with all that fancy stuff last time. I couldn't live without her. She's transformed my dog experience. Dog experience. Dog experience. It's just whatever you like. Just something brilliant about me. It'd be great. Okay. All right then.

[00:19:06] I've got to go. Thanks so much, Cass. Yes. Take care. Sort yourself out. Okay. Good luck. Bye-bye. Bye. Lots of love. Lots of love, Cass. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. I'm wondering who is kissing you. What'll I do? Bye-bye.

[00:19:29] What'll I do with just a photograph to tell my truth? This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network.

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