EP 5: SPEAK UP

[00:00:01] Our Sophia presents, Ramon Fear's terror tapes, tonight's episode, speak up. One, Two...Prime March. Oh hi there you just caught me in the middle of my vocal warm-up. What? What? What? Willi Cousin and Tim one-a-cott, whimpering over William Wallace one Wednesday

[00:00:56] in Wakefield. Wakefield, field, field, field. Four to night's tail takes place in that purred cell of nightmares. The recording studio that would be a terrible place to lose one's voice, wouldn't it? Wouldn't it? Wouldn't it? Win-win, wins a wins a castle, wins

[00:01:20] a castle. I never liked driver get night, which is why I waited until morning and then drove here. It was Thursday and I was on my way to the lost catacombs studio to record

[00:01:46] my first ever voiceover. I was nervous, I gripped the wheel to stop my hands from shaking, although I should have been doing that regardless. You see up until now, I, Valerie Ducks, had soly been a stage actress or actor I forget which it is these days. My reassurance

[00:02:07] was the fact I was going to be working with both my ex-husband and my current husband. You'd think that would be weird and distracting, but it's not. I'm attracted to neither of them.

[00:02:22] I arrived at the empty car park of the studio and executed a frankly beautiful parallel park. The building looked a little ragged, rung down and ram shackle. Just like my career,

[00:02:35] I said to myself without the context. Just like my career. Still, I was very fortunate to be given the opportunity to venture into audio. In theatre it's all tips and teeth. In radio I imagine it's all gobs and gums. The receptionist directed me down the long echoy corridors,

[00:02:56] why there were echoey as a mystery the acoustics would have been dreadful. I looked for studio 3. There it is. I found it. Well, good to see you. Terence? My first husband, Terence Stamp. Not that one. Terence was a sound engineer at the

[00:03:17] lost catacombs. I felt my voice would be safe in his hands. I was going to be narrating the children's classic, The Dog Who Was On Fire, a harmless tale that was actually a subtext

[00:03:30] for irresponsible socialism. And obviously he wakes up and it was all a dream. Only in this, we refer to it as a mirage of the mind. That hack-tired old shit. You are nervous?

[00:03:47] A little. Don't be. Any problems, or if you're not happy with it, we can just do it again. It's not like theatre. Sure. That's sort of what made me nervous. In theatre, you get that

[00:04:03] immediacy of the audience reaction. The roar of the smells, the crowd covered in grease paint. In here it was just me in a tiny soundproof booth. I'd have to wait for my audience to hear,

[00:04:16] and even then I wouldn't know how they would react to it. Is Greke here yet? It's just in the green room, warming up. How are you Terence? Yeah. Fine, thanks. Just keeping busy. Good. I'm glad to hear that.

[00:04:42] I'll go and find Greke. It's a shame things didn't work out with me and Terence. He's very nice, but just very plain vanilla beige. He's a bit like lumpy custard, all right in small portions, but you definitely wouldn't want to fuck it.

[00:05:00] Gemma. Feel the burn. In the green room, my husband, the popular TV children's entertainer, Greke Rumble, was doing his morning. Since his agent flippantly told him to lose some weight seven months ago,

[00:05:19] he'd become obsessed with going to the gym and getting tone. Go for gold! Now he was more muscle than man. Feel the burn. Even as I stood in the doorway, he was stretched out between

[00:05:34] the two sofas, practice this squat thrusts in the air. See this girl? You wouldn't believe I was 57. He was 58 and looked 60. Now we're ready to go then. Yes, Terence is just setting everything up. I'm a bit nervous, Greke. Don't start that again. If you keep for it,

[00:05:58] it means I can't do my job properly and that would not be fair on the little kitty winkies now. Would it? No. Sorry. 100. Boom! All right, come on, let's rock. He definitely hadn't been counting when he said 100.

[00:06:13] Stabby your world's salt wanker as you go in. Fine. We're ready to go when you are, Valerie. Thanks Terence. I stepped into my own little booth whilst Grege was recording him what was referred to in common parlance as the live room. I runically the stench of death was

[00:06:37] everywhere and now move sweat. Greg was always trying to make men jealous, getting all excited and showing off. He was like a dog in a car, really bloody annoying. I slipped the headphones on over my ears and waited as Terence got my levels correct from the control room,

[00:07:06] occasionally saying things like check one two one two or telling him what I had for breakfast. For breakfast, I had granola which I handcrafted. He hadn't asked me to do those things.

[00:07:17] I just hate silence. Oh, can he brush? Take your time. I beg you say that all the way. I begun to speak my first line amongst the trees by the pond of ducks the sunshine how and how

[00:07:38] and that's when it happened. You're peaking a lot there, Val. Maybe just take a step back from the mic. Try again. I'm next to trees by the pond of ducks in the sunshine fire and fire.

[00:08:01] I couldn't get the words out no matter how hard I tried all that came out was this noise. I don't almost happen, I checked the mics before we began. Yeah can we just do some of my business there?

[00:08:16] Uh yeah that might be an idea. Okay Greg let's go from your first line on page two and then Valary coming on your next cue. Okay. Where recording? Who said the on fire was it the field nice at the fair? My tail is encorged in flames

[00:08:38] and so is all my hair. Um no one knew who struck the mess. This was starting to scare me. It was like my mouth was refusing to receive a simple transmission from my brain. Someone had knocked out the satellite and now there was nothing but static.

[00:09:05] Valerie was the lab we're here. No! It's okay don't panic we'll just keep trying. I did take off to take off to take for hours. Every one of them completely unusable an hour became two and then three because that's how the passage of time works.

[00:09:30] We were no closer to finishing and I was no closer to finding my voice. Okay let's try again Greg from your line seven on page 15. Why was he on fire? Because the fire was love.

[00:09:55] Oh no no no. Oh struck the mess. No one knew who struck the mess. Fuck mate Valerie get it together for five minutes. I can't work like this on the institution. Let's take five. Valary.

[00:10:17] Terrence went to the bathroom and I stayed in my foe me cubicle desperately trying to get any of the lines out about the stupid sobbing dog on fire. It shouldn't be this hard.

[00:10:31] It's just a series of vals and consonants. Terrence returned from the bathroom. He always had been a quick pizzer. I stepped out of my booth into the live room where I saw Terrence sitting in his chair

[00:10:47] in the control room. It was nothing but a pain of plexiglass that separated us. Me, him and the mysterious who did figure standing behind him hang on what? The knife plunged into Terrence's quickness out of the blink and I can blink pretty quickly.

[00:11:15] He cheered over onto his mixing desk as his blood oozed out over the equipment which was definitely going to damage it. I tried to scream but my voice was still this harsh, discordant noise. The killer clocked me and started walking towards me. I deadlocked myself in my booth,

[00:11:42] trapped inside. Good job I'm not claustrophobic I thought before remembering that I actually am. I put my hands over my ears which still had headphones on so they were essentially already doing

[00:11:56] the job for me. I shut my eyes and waited for my feet. Then it went quiet. I opened my eyes. The killer had gone. I grabbed my phone and dialed 999.

[00:12:12] I got a person killer on the loose. Please help me. Help me. Please, as a killer on the lips. I spoke up but was shut down. They'd gone. The line was dead and I was certain that pretty soon

[00:12:39] I would be too. I didn't understand. I wasn't even recording this time. I was just speaking on my phone. Was it this booth? What had happened to my voice? Time did that passing thing it continues to

[00:12:56] do and I was still in my soundproof prison. The atmosphere had got very strange. Early calm. The killer kept coming back into the room and then leaving and then coming back but they were no longer

[00:13:12] attempting to get at me. They just continued this listless routine. It was like they were lost. Occasionally the shadowy figure would look at me or at least face in the direction of me I couldn't see

[00:13:29] their eyes. I started to see something of a kindred spirit in the killer. We weren't so different to lonely isolated desperate people wearing a big black cloak. It's radio. I can wear whatever I want.

[00:13:49] Stampy mate. What's up with your share my lines remotely? Valla knew you can carry on but I'm not missing Zumba for this. All right, let's see. Please go, let's dance. You don't scare me. I watched in horror as Greg was punctured like a big meaty balloon. His testosterone

[00:14:20] leaking out into the equipment that by now was definitely a right off. Greg dropped to the floor. Losing at least ten stone in the process. The killer dropped their knife and ran out of the studio door.

[00:14:37] Why haven't they come for me? I had to find out. I broke out of my booze and gave chase through the control room and out into the somehow even more echoly holes. Seriously, they sounded so shit.

[00:14:54] I continued giving chase in the direction of the reception. The receptionist had long left. Just as well. Two bodies was enough for one day. I threw the front doors open ready to run out into the night and it wasn't nighttime. It was the complete opposite. Daytime.

[00:15:17] You could tell because those birds you only heard in the day were tweeting. The sun had barely risen. How was that possible? The killer was nowhere to be seen. They had completely vanished. I trudged back into the studio feeling disorientated, discombobulated and disturbed.

[00:15:42] I went into the green room and found on the coffee table, folded neatly, was the black cloak belonging to the killer. And next to it, not folded at all, was the knife.

[00:15:55] But if those were here, then where was... Then the realization struck me like a match lit for setting a dog on fire. Why they hadn't tried to get me? Why I felt our connection?

[00:16:10] It was me. I did it. I killed Terence and Greg. I am a murderer. A murderer without a voice. A voice that had been stolen and was now lost. Lost in the lost catacombs. How ironic I thought,

[00:16:29] even though that's not ironic it's in fact very befitting. Had I gone mad? Yes, obviously I had. And now I had to get out of here. I ran as quickly as my legs could carry me

[00:16:42] and I have great legs. All I had to do was get to the car and... Val? Greg, you're alive! Come on, what makes you say that? But you and Terence back there, where's Terence?

[00:17:00] Terence is on his wife, she's got caught in a bit of traffic. What's going to you go? But you were both dead. I was in the booth and meant my voice is back. Go, I don't know what your home would definitely give me some of it like.

[00:17:18] Gabon, your first voice over. Just gonna do me more than stress and then I'm ready to rock. So you in there, yeah? Sure, yeah okay. And just like that, it appears I was back in reality.

[00:17:32] This is going to sound horrible but I was quite disappointed, really Greg wasn't dead. I hadn't killed anyone. Nothing happened. It was all a treat. Mirage of the mind. I did nothing. I learned nothing.

[00:17:52] I didn't get my recording done. I didn't even get coffee or a languageswath in Wafo which would have been bad for my voice anyway. I wish there was more of a takeaway from this whole experience.

[00:18:05] It's a shame this wasn't being recorded. Would have made for a great audio book? I said it would have made for a great audio book. Oh no, oh god no! Ah the magic of radio that you never heard can Bruce die on air.

[00:18:36] Of you, no Bruce. Or Bruce foresight. Who's dead but he didn't die on air. Just struggling under a pillow. That's the magic of radio. You know AI is taking over. Hello Chastity is a time for my bath already. What's the most common quality in all mammals?

[00:18:56] Where a blood you're like I Simon the Maristat. The voice it makes us who we are as individuals. I guess we all just want to be heard. How very true Chastity. But I'll shut up now and hand you over to our sponsors Languages.

[00:19:33] See AI doesn't just wipe out copyrights, artists and freelance creators in an increasingly dystopian vision of the future where authorial vision is replaced by solace and above all cheap old alternatives. Did you say Chayla Fuckingka? It's also there for destroying light performance as well. Introducing Languages AI Hecklebots.

[00:19:55] Don't trust me. Okay, you'll pay for that. I see. I see. Have a look at this. How about some stardust? And the thing is change can only begin if we change.

[00:20:10] I looked at him and I realized if he can do it anyone can. He had no home, a life-changing brutal illness, no parents but you know what? You know what you did? Your eyes are fat in your penis looks like a pig in blanket outside of Christmas time.

[00:20:28] Yet, hope. So never lose yourself and if you've ever doubted who you are remember. So it's December somewhere. I've been going to die in your eyebrows as you. Where are you? That's right. Just put in the name of your chosen comedian,

[00:20:51] your darkest thoughts and the assumptions you've made about them and more turn it into pure gold or at least tin. Don't even think of leaving your body to science. Come on in mate. Your bone structure is Lancaster. Oh, fight me. Oh, I'm necessary.

[00:21:09] Fight for your sister. It's your time and their fault. Make those stage hogs play with new Languages AI Hecklebots because he who shouts loudest shouts loudest. Oh, nice. Don't pay you to talk. We're on the fucking horse of earth. Snive the fucking car!

[00:21:33] When nothing has killed the void, choose like all those ankles you are in this witch. By them right down, swear not the rod. Oh, good, Ramon. Jacity, I'm in the bath. I'm just saying goodbye to my dear Moutainthes.

[00:21:53] Oh, your double joint it. How? I'm out of here. Like an 80 year old walking at Joe Caridway. But before I depart, vice. No le hableza tu labador porque frankly. This is drannio. From house of fear pictures. In the annals of erotic nightmares, there's nothing more frightening than Slao.

[00:22:45] Ends beyond your red maggots. We came to Slao. FAAAT! Slao! Out of the any fossils. Fossilize this girl. Ian wait, is that another? Pop-Rap. Harry's laugh. No, no, no, no, no, no. It is the free faces of sprotus. The prophecy is true. This is a library.

[00:23:18] The place cruel you old man. No, the screaming. Pascruv you. M for murder. M for mutation. He is risen. It's a scrotum. It's a goddamn scrotum. Oh, yeah, just like that. Yeah, give me the winner. Are you sure about his photos?

[00:23:49] Yeah, no, put your hands down or I can't get your full thick. M for me, hand. Come on, Spawn, I'm Slao. You allow show you come on, please. M for on the M for. It's not quite redding and it's nowhere near Windsor. You're easy.

[00:24:14] There's a new word for terror. Slao. The only exit is death. Slao, once you're in, you'll never get out. Slao. You have been listening to Ramon Fierze terror tapes hosted by Ramon Fierre. Obituaries for the following cast members. Susan Harrison, Rob Toffield, John Last,

[00:25:05] additional voices by Amelia Armand, Russell Howard, Alex Lynch, Odinorn Hillmarson, and Sam Thomas. All Ulogies created and scribed by Alex Lynch and Sam Thomas, music and organ grinding by Odinorn Hillmarson, production and post-mortem assembly handled with care by Alex Lynch

[00:25:36] and Odinorn Hillmarson, with Odinorn Hillmarson conducting the final service and the funeral director, Alexandra Morris. This has been a house of Fierre production. For more, go to ramonfierre.com like, rate and subscribe if you dare.