Ep 6: FIVE LASHES OF THE CANE - RELASHED

[00:00:00] Oh, hi, Ramon Fear here. Would you fancy some mind-bending?

[00:00:06] Well, experience the lighter side of psychological terror,

[00:00:09] masterlusion and brutal death as I guide you through two of my favorite

[00:00:13] terror tapes. In person, book your tickets now for

[00:00:17] Ramon Fears Terror Tapes live from Cheerful, Eerful, upstairs at the Bedford

[00:00:21] on Sunday the 20th of October at 2.20pm because if you don't,

[00:00:27] people will die. But, at some point, go to CheerfulEerful.co.uk and enjoy some fear

[00:00:35] with your beer. Get away from me! Not you. Now you are staying there and listening

[00:00:46] to our season one finale. Five lashes of the cane. But like Rosacea, we've returned to red in

[00:00:54] your face and warm you through winter. Our three special terror tapes begin with

[00:00:59] Fish Food Live on the 14th of October before Trojan Horse Live follows a week later on the 21st.

[00:01:06] Finally, Ring in Halloween Week with the Bender from Hell, Beyond the Limit on the 20th of October.

[00:01:15] More details are bound at Ramonfear.com and at Terror Tapes Pod. Use social media

[00:01:22] tools and now for something very horrid. House of Fear presents

[00:01:37] Ramonfears Terror Tapes. Tonight's episode, Five Lashes of the Cane.

[00:01:49] School, it's not all perverts and not all perverts are school. That's why churches exist.

[00:01:59] Anyway, hello. You join me in the comfort of my terror treasury for our series one finale.

[00:02:07] That's right, one. I'm optimistic. Like Waterloo Road, I've drained the well dry.

[00:02:15] But it's a good thing I have another one located on the other side of my house.

[00:02:19] Now for those of you who are educated, let me ask the question your careers advisor never had

[00:02:25] the balls to ask who would you slay now? Not how why not why who really but they're so young

[00:02:35] do you even know what vulpe side is I digress. Let's answer my initial question now

[00:02:42] by not answering it. Saved by the bell. Where's the fucking bell? Well, it's too late now.

[00:03:07] Dorothy Hemings High. Doesn't look like the place has changed much in 15 years.

[00:03:13] Come on, Hilda. We're gonna be late to be fashionably late.

[00:03:17] Coming. Okay, let's just get this over with. I feel like I want to die.

[00:03:34] It gives me great pleasure to welcome back all our former students into the halls of Dorothy

[00:03:41] Hemings High. Please grab yourself a drink. We won't tell and enjoy the evening.

[00:03:51] Chairs and no running in the halls. Just kidding. They haven't exactly revamped the place have they?

[00:04:04] No, isn't that the glass window you smashed in year 10 Angie?

[00:04:08] Yeah, I think it was. God wouldn't approve of that.

[00:04:15] Okay, let's just get the god jokes out the way. I'm sorry but who would have thought the girl

[00:04:20] who was essentially school jock would end up becoming a nun? It's nuts.

[00:04:24] It's for the better. I was a shit at school. We all were.

[00:04:29] Now speak for yourself Vicar. I've no regrets. School was great.

[00:04:33] I'm tempted to spike the punch again for old times sake.

[00:04:37] You're such a bad boy Chris. Oh I thought that was what you liked about me.

[00:04:41] I didn't say it wasn't. God maybe I should have stayed at home.

[00:04:46] Hey, hey, can. Hilda, Chris, Linda, Angie. It's me Carlo.

[00:04:53] Oh you got in it pretty quickly Carlo. The night only started 10 minutes ago.

[00:04:57] Oh I got tense before I came out. It was the best way to enjoy these things.

[00:05:02] Angie you're in bed with God now. Oh, dig it.

[00:05:06] I'm just a nun Carlo. Well I was absolved you from all those times you

[00:05:12] bug washed me when we were 13. I am sorry I picked on you Carlo.

[00:05:17] Hey, by guns right? Chris what are you doing these days?

[00:05:24] Going through a nice fat divorce thanks for asking Carlo.

[00:05:26] Oh that's a shame. Don't look so happy about it.

[00:05:29] Who me? No of course it's very tragic.

[00:05:34] Back at Dorothy Hemmings after all this time. Still got lunch Lady Doris?

[00:05:39] Mr Go-Bak? Mr Go-Bah you mean? Oh Go-Bah.

[00:05:44] Go-Bah. Go-Bah. Go-Bah. Such a twat. Glad he left. He took out sex education.

[00:05:51] Until Miss Innocente brought it back. Ah Miss Innocente. She was.

[00:05:56] My ears are burning. I'm Miss Innocente.

[00:06:00] Hilda how lovely to see you all and Chris I hope you're keeping out of mischief.

[00:06:07] Always Miss Innocente. Right thousands would believe you.

[00:06:14] Still teaching social studies? Always a teacher's work is never done.

[00:06:19] I mean I should know I taught you lot.

[00:06:27] Enjoy your union. Bye Miss Innocente.

[00:06:30] Bye Miss Innocente.

[00:06:32] I always liked her. Everyone liked her and she liked everyone.

[00:06:38] Oh and don't forget Mr Squeaks. No Mr Squeaks. Oh god.

[00:06:44] Mr Squeaks. Yeah yeah you remember with the leather gloves.

[00:06:47] Always wore black. She looked like a man from the back.

[00:06:50] Cultivated rare flowers. That's it and collected all those dolls.

[00:06:55] Yeah and she had all those runestones in a glass cabinet.

[00:06:58] With the hearts that was it. Mhmm wonder what she's doing now.

[00:07:02] She was in a house fire but they never found the body.

[00:07:06] Oh come on that's probably because it's all box.

[00:07:10] Oh sorry gotta take this. Is it Jesus returning your calls after three days?

[00:07:20] I'll give the punch. But we'll be right back Hilda.

[00:07:26] Linda and I are just going to have a proper catch up.

[00:07:31] Yeah subtle guys. Yeah well we'll be back in five.

[00:07:34] Five? Are we doing it twice?

[00:07:43] So Hilda are you married? No.

[00:07:46] No. That's a shame. Why is that?

[00:07:56] I gotta go piss.

[00:08:13] Yes I know. It's one night. Can't you just let me have a bit of fun?

[00:08:29] Oh to hell with you then. Lovely little piss.

[00:09:55] Uh Angie? Angie? What the? Mr Squeaks?

[00:10:21] Your friends left you Hilda. Yeah nothing changes.

[00:10:25] Fifteen years on and I can still happily kill those knuckleheads.

[00:10:29] Stand back. Call an ambulance. Does anyone know first aid?

[00:10:44] I do! Oh Miss Hinochentie go grab the first aid kit from the staff room.

[00:10:48] I'm on it. Absolutely. Uh uh David do you have a moment?

[00:11:01] When there's a body on the floor I have two. Moments not bodies.

[00:11:06] Uh what? Have you met Inspector Jason?

[00:11:09] Inspector David Jason. Not that one. You got here quickly.

[00:11:13] I used to go to this school. Oh wait wait are you the David Jason

[00:11:17] that got committed for burning down the science block?

[00:11:20] I was a kid. Anyway I got let out of little bedlam for good behavior.

[00:11:25] Isn't that a prison thing? Who are you my probation officer?

[00:11:31] I'm better now than someone has been murdered. How can you tell?

[00:11:37] Seriously? Look at the angle of the fall.

[00:11:40] The precise tear in his clothing also the knife in his back and he has no hands or eyes.

[00:11:47] I mean yeah that's that's kind of obvious. And I'm sure his head has been removed.

[00:11:53] I'm sorry were you in our year? Well that depends.

[00:11:57] On what? Do you think you can solve this murder before another one dies?

[00:12:02] I mean look it could just be an isolated killing.

[00:12:05] You can't spell isolate it without late as in another person will be late as in dead.

[00:12:12] Oh right I'm gonna go. Stay where you are no one is to leave.

[00:12:16] This place is a crime scene now. Okay everyone we've all seen the body it is real.

[00:12:27] Don't worry we've got Inspector Jason here. We're pretty sure no one else is going to die.

[00:12:34] Tonight will be an orgy of death. But just in case we're asking that everyone

[00:12:42] stays in this sports hall. We're sorry about the flickering light at the broken door to the basement

[00:12:49] and the charts of glass everywhere. If anyone's seen Carlos hands just hand that it give them

[00:12:58] to a member of staff or lost property. Anyway let's not let this dump in our spirit.

[00:13:06] The DJ will continue. Yes you will. Enjoy the punch. Chairs.

[00:13:19] So what do we do now Inspector? We interview every single person here starting with...

[00:13:31] Where'd she go? Oh shit. Well she'll be supping the punch of her

[00:13:38] immortality soon enough. I'm sure she'll be fine. She's with the rats now. DJ!

[00:13:57] Smoking indoors. What would Mr Squeak say? Creepy fucker. Could this night get any worse?

[00:14:13] Honestly everyone in this school can just get fucked.

[00:14:21] Oh Linda. I have no idea how much I've wanted this. Doing it by the bin is like we always meant to.

[00:14:30] He's like a normal human. I'm not a fucking egg. Oh come on. I've nearly reached the end of the tracks.

[00:14:39] Did you hear that? The coffee's nearly done.

[00:14:43] Your life is over. That sound. Someone's there. Maybe it's Mr Squeaks.

[00:14:52] Shut up. Some perv is spying on us. Oh come on babe. Stars nearly on the tre-

[00:15:03] Chris? And you're certain you're not the killer.

[00:15:32] Um Inspector, there's no one there. Where murder is concerned there's always someone there.

[00:15:40] Oh it just doesn't make sense. Why would someone target a local school reunion?

[00:15:50] I remember having read a little book quite some time ago on folklore. I think the title was

[00:15:56] The Modern Ghost, Kettles and the Black Legends of Today.

[00:16:02] Well that's great. We should see if the library is a copy of it.

[00:16:07] It worked. Fortunately I have my own copy here.

[00:16:12] Why? I never leave home without it or Watership Down. One in each pocket.

[00:16:20] Which one of you fuckers took my Watership Down? This is now an investigation. Everyone line up!

[00:16:42] Here come Saxon and energy together. Whether it's electricity or earth gas, we're bringing energy now to you. Regional and reliable.

[00:16:50] More information at saxonenergie.de. Saxon energy. The power that connects us.

[00:17:03] Why do I wear these shoes? Oh show yourself!

[00:17:12] What are you waiting for? Well I actually have studied Krav Maga. Okay so just don't.

[00:17:26] Oh. Hiding in the library are we? Very original. Okay okay guys this this isn't funny anymore.

[00:18:00] Tart. Foul mouth, foul mind hilda. You're not at school anymore. Miss Innocente what are you doing here?

[00:18:09] I thought you'd gone to get help. I'd already helped enough by taking those little weasels out of the picture.

[00:18:16] Wait. What? I knew seeing your faces again would be trouble. That fake nun, that drunk rat and those two

[00:18:25] self-centered high school cliches. Miss Innocente it was you. You killed Carla. Clever little hilda.

[00:18:35] Always thinking she's above everyone. Where are the others? Well they're right here. Say hello again!

[00:18:55] Miss Innocente. And I'm Zaniel in a row. What have you done to them? Which is where we are. Oh keep up!

[00:19:23] Oh no shush! Oh stop that really. Oh no no no don't get upset you were never really friends.

[00:19:36] Never happy. We've learnt nothing it's all bullshit the toilet rolls too smooth.

[00:19:42] Hold on when did I say that? This place never changes. You're the one that never changes.

[00:19:48] When I taught you all those years ago you were just a horrible bunch of snotty little self-obsessed

[00:19:56] brats. You never listened! You know most of all tonight I knew there was only one way to at

[00:20:16] long last achieve your full potential and that was to kill and pour Mr Squeaks. Oh she had to go

[00:20:35] to Rome and become a dance teacher and then she had herself and it was all your fault! I mean

[00:20:41] that's a stretch was the job time and Miss Finesce was her name not that you bothered to learn it.

[00:20:48] Miss Finesce? So she was a bit masculine war-lever collected flowers and had a macaw

[00:20:55] and like 70s sentry mannequin dolls but she was a brilliant dt teacher. She made art with that

[00:21:04] retractable knife just like I've done! Oh oh my god you killed them all every single one of my f-

[00:21:18] pain in a gentae you won't get away with this. I know that you stupid bitch! I fully intend to give

[00:21:25] myself up but you all have to die first honestly you don't buy a box of biscuits with one missing

[00:21:33] oh you can't laugh you're dead it will be a shame to leave this place I will say that

[00:21:43] Principal Craig Gooper! Gooper! It's not doesn't work unless they all do it anywhere they're dead!

[00:21:51] It is a shame he died in that house fire I started and at that weird expector with his books

[00:21:57] oh do you want a copy of Watership Down? I'll bury it with you!

[00:22:03] Where in the library I could literally pick anything else?

[00:22:06] Nobody likes a smart ass Campbell!

[00:22:10] No wait wait wait wait you were everyone's favorite teacher I thought you liked us

[00:22:16] Ever heard of the phrase keep your friends close and your enemies closer?

[00:22:21] Yes? Ever heard of the phrase better than ever you know?

[00:22:24] Yes? Ever heard of the phrase never let a blind man blink at traffic?

[00:22:30] No exactly maybe you should have stayed at home earlier

[00:22:38] Oh man I fucking hate this place!

[00:22:44] Oh shivered tractable knife! Should have brought the sabbatia or a cleaver

[00:22:57] or a juniors sword that would have done the trick oh well

[00:23:03] Everyone in single file keep together feel free to take your drinks with you

[00:23:09] God what a waste that was

[00:23:10] Stop T.T. Powell!

[00:23:13] Has it been an hour Remus? I don't think so

[00:23:18] Nowhere to be found

[00:23:20] The killer?

[00:23:21] No my book

[00:23:23] Principal Craig!

[00:23:24] Miss Innocente thank god you're all right

[00:23:27] Hilda and her friends are missing

[00:23:29] Yes I know um do have a moment I've done something a little unusual

[00:23:37] This way!

[00:23:39] Watch your step

[00:23:42] I guess this is one mystery that will remain unsolved

[00:23:58] And there we have it proof that nothing we ever learn is ever of any use

[00:24:04] and as for school maybe you were like me all sex and fountain pens especially fountain pens

[00:24:11] I was homeschooled there were no fountain pens or walls

[00:24:17] Urtha I thought you were banned

[00:24:20] Just on the run I've been hiding out in one of language's new bangleos

[00:24:26] What?

[00:24:27] Bangleos from languages

[00:24:29] I don't know what you're talking about

[00:24:33] Are you sick of the sound of the arches theme every time you go camping?

[00:24:38] Well you'll never hear it again with

[00:24:44] Languages bangleos

[00:24:45] That tent is moving

[00:24:49] Bangleos when you want the risk but not the cost

[00:24:53] It's so dank it's so dark I hate it

[00:24:57] Bangleos because this is camping

[00:25:02] For God's sake strap yourselves down quick

[00:25:05] One use and only one use

[00:25:09] Finger is that I was my drawing to sob

[00:25:11] No it's alright actually

[00:25:13] Bangleos they start at 99,99,99

[00:25:20] So get back to nature and come inside language's bangleos

[00:25:26] Set the bar low with a bangleo

[00:25:29] Always read the label if you could find it

[00:25:33] When nothing else can fill the void

[00:25:36] Choose languages

[00:25:43] I'll take a coffin less sordid more morbid

[00:25:48] And that you horrible bastards is where I leave you

[00:25:54] Riding in your own feculance

[00:25:58] Like throwing nails at pigs it's been a lot of fun

[00:26:02] But ultimately tiring

[00:26:04] I'm remarkably virile but I choose to rest now

[00:26:09] Let yourself out the sandwiches are on the side and the gimp's in the box

[00:26:12] One of them is past their sell-by date and the other's dead

[00:26:17] Before I go I have one last treat to see out our very first series

[00:26:22] Just enough time for another dose of fear in your ear

[00:26:46] That's a wrong vibe I can get it right

[00:26:55] Mwahahaha

[00:27:01] Nailed it

[00:27:04] Coming soon from House of Fear Pictures

[00:27:08] No one saw it coming

[00:27:17] No one saw them coming

[00:27:19] And now it's too late

[00:27:21] Because mutts are here

[00:27:24] Michael

[00:27:26] Michael

[00:27:26] No no no no no no no no

[00:27:30] Someone let one was ready for it

[00:27:35] Except for one man

[00:27:40] Hey rover

[00:27:42] Down

[00:27:45] Oh my god it's Bastion Quirk

[00:27:48] He's back he he's back

[00:27:49] It's Bastion Quirk everyone

[00:27:51] Muts

[00:27:52] He looks like a dog's dinner

[00:27:54] That's because he was a dog's dinner

[00:27:58] Well someone's certainly in the doghouse

[00:28:02] It's that damn linear accelerator

[00:28:05] I'm telling you something is wrong with the German Shepherds

[00:28:08] You're imagining things Helen

[00:28:10] There's nothing

[00:28:11] Oh my god the German Shepherd is killing me

[00:28:23] I think someone needs a muzzle

[00:28:31] It's Bastion Quirk

[00:28:32] The fearless hero in the face of fangs and fur

[00:28:36] You don't seem phased about kidnys his animals

[00:28:39] Well I guess I'm more of a cat person

[00:28:43] A terrifying tale of Deroe Darius

[00:28:47] I'd say you're parking up the wrong me

[00:28:53] Well someone certainly got laid off the leak

[00:28:56] Who's gonna die

[00:28:58] These puppies are riddled with bullies

[00:29:01] That's not my waft steam stone

[00:29:04] I've heard of the dog's parlings but

[00:29:07] This is ridiculous

[00:29:09] In Jen Deraville's dogged directorial debut

[00:29:15] Losing lives a bitch

[00:29:17] And then you die

[00:29:20] Muts

[00:29:22] The story of the day man's best friend became

[00:29:26] Man's worst friend

[00:29:28] Every dog has its day huh

[00:29:31] Not today

[00:29:33] Well someone certainly just shot a whole bunch of dogs

[00:29:37] Muts

[00:29:38] Coming soon to a cinema near you

[00:29:41] Will you be ready for it?

[00:29:43] Will you?

[00:29:47] Good boy

[00:29:48] We have been listening to Ramon Fier's Charotapes

[00:30:00] Hosted

[00:30:01] By Ramon Fier

[00:30:04] Obituaries for the following cast members

[00:30:08] Harry Hayes

[00:30:09] Tom Crowley

[00:30:12] Lucy Farrett

[00:30:14] Beth Eyre

[00:30:16] Will Seabag Montefiore

[00:30:19] Richard Reichroft

[00:30:21] With special guests

[00:30:24] David Reed

[00:30:25] And Cary Howard

[00:30:28] Additional voices by Alex Lynch

[00:30:32] Odin Ornhill-Marsson

[00:30:34] And Sam Thomas

[00:30:37] All eulogies created and scribed by Alex Lynch and Sam Thomas

[00:30:44] Music and organ grinding by Odin Ornhill-Marsson

[00:30:49] Production and Post Mortem Assembly

[00:30:51] Handled with care by Alex Lynch

[00:30:54] And Odin Ornhill-Marsson

[00:30:57] With Odin Ornhill-Marsson conducting the final service

[00:31:02] And the funeral director Alexandra Morris

[00:31:08] This has been a house of fear production

[00:31:12] For more go to ramonfier.com

[00:31:16] Like rate and subscribe

[00:31:20] If you dare

[00:31:35] This show is part of Podomedy the podcast comedy network

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[00:31:47] Check out podomedy.com now