FISH FOOD... LIVE @ LONDON PODCAST FESTIVAL

[00:00:00] Oh hi, Ramon Fear here. Would you fancy some mind-bending? Well, experience the lighter side of psychological terror, mass delusion and brutal death as I guide you through two of my favorite terror tapes in person. Book your tickets now for Ramon Fear's Terror Tapes live from Cheerful Earful upstairs at the Bedford on Sunday the 20th of October at 2.20pm.

[00:00:25] Because if you don't, people will die at some point. Go to cheerfullearful.co.uk and enjoy some fear with your beer.

[00:00:47] Shut up. Welcome to the first ever live show of Ramon Fear's Terror Tapes here in King's Place at London Podcast Festival.

[00:00:58] Good news, I have paramedics outside their premises in case any of you feel the need to faint or run off and cry.

[00:01:06] At least I think they're paramedics. They have a van.

[00:01:10] Anyway.

[00:01:11] So switch off your mobile phones. Put your domestic arguments on hold. Turn off those beeping watches.

[00:01:19] You've got all day to get your fucking steps in and get ready for live and in the flesh fear in your ear.

[00:01:28] It's time for me to introduce the cast of actors who will be reenacting and inhabiting the roles of my first terror tape.

[00:01:42] Fish food.

[00:01:44] Please welcome to the stage Lexi McDougal, Beth Eyre and John Henry Fall.

[00:02:02] Lexi.

[00:02:06] Correct.

[00:02:07] John Henry.

[00:02:09] Two names.

[00:02:10] One man.

[00:02:11] Well actually I...

[00:02:12] Hi Beth.

[00:02:13] Are those fingernails?

[00:02:14] Fingernails.

[00:02:15] We agreed I wouldn't do banter.

[00:02:17] Oh yes, that's right.

[00:02:20] Well I'm done. It's time.

[00:02:22] They say.

[00:02:27] A dog has no morals.

[00:02:30] But what about fish?

[00:02:31] The dead-eyed nightmares of the ocean.

[00:02:34] The speedy cutlery of the current.

[00:02:37] Ah, fish.

[00:02:39] Liars.

[00:02:40] I guess we've got too deep too quickly.

[00:02:42] Ha ha ha ha.

[00:02:43] Let's reel this in.

[00:02:45] What do they know that we don't?

[00:02:47] Why can they see what we can't?

[00:02:50] Why do we eat their eyes and fry their skin?

[00:02:54] The aquariums.

[00:02:56] The strange ways of the sea.

[00:02:58] No fish can get out.

[00:03:01] But could someone get in?

[00:03:03] Consider if you will a new start, a fresh face.

[00:03:06] An unquenchable thirst.

[00:03:09] For blood.

[00:03:11] As the Spanish would say.

[00:03:13] Um putela burra, por favor.

[00:03:22] I'd always been fascinated by the ocean.

[00:03:26] The sea and all that inhabits it.

[00:03:29] Watching fish swimming could be seen as mundane.

[00:03:33] And yet there is something so serene and tantalizing about it.

[00:03:39] The movement, the dance they put on for you.

[00:03:43] It's hypnotic.

[00:03:46] And their eyes, those black eddies, draw you in.

[00:03:53] Vacant yet inviting.

[00:03:56] It was my first day at Fulci Aquarium.

[00:04:00] I used to come to this place all the time as a child.

[00:04:03] You were welcomed by a blue neon sign which had a tiny tuna dotting the eye in Aquarium.

[00:04:10] Nice touch.

[00:04:11] The fish had always been my friends.

[00:04:13] And today, they had become my colleagues.

[00:04:18] I arrived that morning and collected my uniform before making my way into what my parents and I had dubbed the inner sanctum.

[00:04:27] Let's just say I had more than just first day nerves.

[00:04:31] Now, Jennifer, you don't want to get too close to some of these.

[00:04:37] That fish will kill you.

[00:04:39] That fish will kill you.

[00:04:41] That fish won't kill you, but it will excrete a poison that will kill you.

[00:04:47] That fish looks like it won't kill you, but word to the wise, it will kill you.

[00:04:54] That was Hank, the senior manager.

[00:04:57] He was very straight.

[00:04:59] By which I mean, he was matter of fact.

[00:05:02] I didn't know his sexual orientation and it didn't feel my place to pry into his personal preferences on the first day.

[00:05:08] If you're not careful, they'll get you.

[00:05:12] That's what happened to Jones.

[00:05:14] Jones?

[00:05:14] Previous manager went missing.

[00:05:17] I'm certain the fish got in there.

[00:05:20] Just look at them.

[00:05:24] Quiet killers.

[00:05:28] They're all so beautiful.

[00:05:31] Beauty's only skin deep, Jennifer.

[00:05:33] Remember that.

[00:05:39] Everyone at the aquarium kept themselves to themselves.

[00:05:43] And anything they did say was almost cryptic, like...

[00:05:47] You never know when someone's going to murder you here.

[00:05:55] They all gave off a strange, eerie vibe.

[00:06:00] All except Carla, who I was working with by the shark tank.

[00:06:04] I see you understand fish.

[00:06:09] How cool was she to make that the first thing she would say to me, rather than a simple, like, hi or hello?

[00:06:16] Very few do.

[00:06:18] Feeding time.

[00:06:20] She took out a bag of meat scraps and threw them to the hungry beasts.

[00:06:25] They snapped it up like it was chocolate.

[00:06:27] Which it wasn't.

[00:06:31] Can't get enough of it.

[00:06:33] Carla had looked after the shark tank for the best part of two years.

[00:06:39] She had a personality as bright and bubbly as the clownfish tank.

[00:06:43] She was a stunning Amazonian woman with long, dark, curly locks that could have given the octopus legs a run for their money.

[00:06:53] And she knew a lot about fish.

[00:06:58] Did you know there are more species of fish than mammals, birds, reptiles, and amphibians put together?

[00:07:05] No.

[00:07:06] Wow.

[00:07:08] I heard that fish only have a three-second memory.

[00:07:10] See, that's a common misconception.

[00:07:14] Fish's memories are much longer.

[00:07:16] They can remember up to something like five months.

[00:07:19] Really?

[00:07:20] Yeah.

[00:07:21] Just imagine the things these guys have seen.

[00:07:25] Yeah.

[00:07:27] Imagine.

[00:07:29] By the way, don't mind the others.

[00:07:31] They're not the most sociable creatures.

[00:07:34] I'll look after you.

[00:07:36] Thanks, Carla.

[00:07:38] I thanked Carla just then and turned back to look at the eight-legged enigma flailing in its habitat.

[00:07:46] I felt like it was trying to communicate with me across a pane glass language barrier.

[00:07:53] Have a wonder, Jennifer.

[00:07:55] Explore.

[00:07:57] Trust me, it makes the hours go quicker.

[00:07:59] Thanks.

[00:08:00] I will do.

[00:08:01] I watched the sea life rushing past all around me.

[00:08:08] It was like being in the midst of traffic in an underwater metropolis.

[00:08:13] And right now, this was rush hour.

[00:08:17] I was surrounded by vibrant textures and colors of sea greens and cerulean blues,

[00:08:25] with spotlights bouncing off the panels.

[00:08:29] This is why I like aquariums.

[00:08:32] The calm.

[00:08:33] The tranquility.

[00:08:36] The serenity.

[00:08:52] Less than two hours into my shift, and a body had come hurtling down from above.

[00:08:58] There was a deafening crunch.

[00:09:00] The young girl lay there, coated in her own crimson jus.

[00:09:07] This was the moment I knew something was wrong.

[00:09:11] I ran over to the girl, who had the name Dot written on her tag,

[00:09:15] and I didn't know if that was her name or whether she had perhaps had to borrow someone else's,

[00:09:20] and I didn't want my last words to be getting her name wrong,

[00:09:23] nor would I imagine she'd have wanted her last words to be correcting me.

[00:09:27] What the hell happened here?

[00:09:30] She's dead.

[00:09:32] Probably one of the fish.

[00:09:35] God damn it!

[00:09:36] I knew this couldn't have been a fish.

[00:09:41] But then again, she did scream, the blue-eyed fish, right before she died.

[00:09:48] Suddenly, Carla appeared.

[00:09:50] She was distraught.

[00:09:51] Oh, Dot.

[00:09:52] Oh my God, Dot.

[00:09:53] So her name was Dot.

[00:09:56] Dot, can you hear me?

[00:09:58] Oh, Jesus.

[00:09:59] Okay, everyone stand back.

[00:10:01] Emergency services are on their way.

[00:10:04] And the aquarium is closed until further notice.

[00:10:06] Oh, Jesus.

[00:10:08] Oh, Jesus.

[00:10:09] Oh, Jesus.

[00:10:09] Oh, Jesus.

[00:10:09] Oh, Jesus.

[00:10:09] Piece of shit.

[00:10:11] I think she was murdered, Hank.

[00:10:14] Jennifer, the police can take it from here.

[00:10:17] If I were you, I'd go home and write a day off.

[00:10:22] But, Hank!

[00:10:24] Jennifer, I strongly suggest you leave this alone.

[00:10:27] We'll reconvene tomorrow and you can start again.

[00:10:31] I went back to my post to say goodbye to the sharks.

[00:10:35] One of them, as a child, I named Sharky.

[00:10:38] I wasn't a very imaginative child.

[00:10:42] Do you really think Dot was murdered?

[00:10:44] Well, I don't know, Carla.

[00:10:46] She could have just fallen.

[00:10:49] But I thought I saw another figure up there with her.

[00:10:53] But then why would she scream, the blue-eyed fish?

[00:10:56] What does that mean?

[00:10:57] I wish I knew, Jennifer.

[00:11:00] I asked Carla if she and Dot were friends.

[00:11:03] Were you and Dot friends?

[00:11:06] And she said, yeah.

[00:11:09] We started around the same time.

[00:11:11] She operates the jellyfish house.

[00:11:13] She was the one person who kept me sane here.

[00:11:16] And then I said, do you think anyone here could have done it?

[00:11:20] No.

[00:11:21] These people are weird, but they're not psychos.

[00:11:25] Well, I'd better go.

[00:11:27] Take care.

[00:11:29] I'll see you tomorrow.

[00:11:31] Okay.

[00:11:32] I'm so sorry you had to see this on your first date.

[00:11:36] I left Carla and walked upstairs to get changed.

[00:11:39] Along the way, I passed the other employees.

[00:11:42] They all looked incredibly suspicious.

[00:11:46] Even Hank, who was desperately trying to sweep this under the carpet.

[00:11:51] Metaphorically speaking, the aquarium had linoleum.

[00:11:55] Something about this seemed odd.

[00:11:59] Dare I say.

[00:12:01] Fishy?

[00:12:06] I wouldn't find out anything in broad daylight with everyone still here.

[00:12:10] I knew if I wanted to investigate this further, on my own,

[00:12:14] I would have to wait until everyone had closed up and gone home for the night.

[00:12:19] But where could I hide without being noticed?

[00:12:24] Nighttime came, and everyone had gone home.

[00:12:28] No one had even come up to see if I was still there.

[00:12:31] My hiding place was only crouching behind some lockers.

[00:12:34] They would have found me in seconds.

[00:12:36] In hindsight, it wasn't a very good hiding place at all.

[00:12:40] Regardless, I crept out and downstairs into the center of the aquarium.

[00:12:46] All was quiet, except for the fish still swimming and meandering around their homes.

[00:12:53] This city never sleeps.

[00:12:57] I stopped at the spot where Dot had dropped from the top.

[00:13:01] The blues and greens interspersed with deep red could have turned the whole place a sort of yellowish white?

[00:13:11] Is that the color you could...

[00:13:13] I don't know.

[00:13:14] I can't really remember, but it's blood, basically.

[00:13:18] Murdered in cold blood.

[00:13:21] She died.

[00:13:23] I continued to pace around the underwater palace with those words still ringing in my ears.

[00:13:30] The blue-eyed fish.

[00:13:33] I searched around for a blue-eyed fish.

[00:13:36] That was the clue that was going to lead me to whatever it was I was searching for.

[00:13:41] I looked high and low, but could not see any sign of a blue-eyed fish.

[00:13:46] It was then I realized I was actually saying all this out loud.

[00:13:52] I missed a step and took a terrible tumble.

[00:14:24] Talk about fumbling in the dark.

[00:14:26] Everywhere was pretty much shrouded in nightfall.

[00:14:30] The only beacon of light from the room was the neon sign.

[00:14:35] I stared up at it.

[00:14:37] The cute little blue fish perched happily above the letter I.

[00:14:43] And that's when it hit me.

[00:14:48] That was it!

[00:14:50] The sign!

[00:14:51] The fish!

[00:14:52] The blue-eyed fish!

[00:14:54] She was sending us a message.

[00:14:56] The why she couldn't have just screamed,

[00:14:58] The fish on the neon sign!

[00:15:00] Is anybody's guess.

[00:15:02] I reached out to touch the sign.

[00:15:05] My hand gripped around the fish dotting the eye,

[00:15:08] and I turned to the left.

[00:15:11] The fish glided with my palm,

[00:15:14] and suddenly a door below,

[00:15:16] hidden within the sign,

[00:15:18] opened.

[00:15:20] I peered inside,

[00:15:22] and all I could see was a long, dark, and dank passage.

[00:15:27] I decided to call hello,

[00:15:29] because that seemed like the most sensible thing to do.

[00:15:32] Hello?

[00:15:36] This was wild.

[00:15:38] I had stumbled across a hidden cave,

[00:15:40] an inner sanctum within the inner sanctum.

[00:15:44] It was dark and echoey,

[00:15:46] and I could hear my own footsteps,

[00:15:48] like they were being played back to me at full blast via an HDTV,

[00:15:55] with speakers.

[00:15:58] I reached the end of the walkway,

[00:16:00] and found myself in a dank and dirty room.

[00:16:04] In the corner stood a freezer?

[00:16:08] So many questions ran through my head.

[00:16:11] Who did this?

[00:16:12] How did they manage to do this without anyone noticing?

[00:16:15] Why was there a room behind the sign in the first place?

[00:16:19] How did they manage to move and install a working freezer?

[00:16:23] This scenario posed so many plot holes,

[00:16:26] I knew we would conveniently not have time to fill.

[00:16:30] I walked over to the freezer,

[00:16:32] and slowly lifted the lid,

[00:16:35] and what I saw shook me to my very core.

[00:16:40] Beneath the ice lay a frozen mound.

[00:16:44] I couldn't make it out,

[00:16:46] the shape or form of it.

[00:16:48] I reached in,

[00:16:49] and pulled over to me,

[00:16:51] and that's when the eyes stared back at me.

[00:16:56] The eyes of a man,

[00:16:58] a man kept in his ice-cold sarcophagus.

[00:17:03] A man,

[00:17:05] but only half,

[00:17:10] only portions of a man.

[00:17:12] One arm was missing,

[00:17:12] and the other,

[00:17:14] at the end of the freezer.

[00:17:16] Parts of his legs severed and skinned.

[00:17:19] chunks of flesh cut clean out of his stomach,

[00:17:23] the only thing that remained intact

[00:17:25] was the head,

[00:17:27] with its dead eyes that stared right through me.

[00:17:34] I stood there,

[00:17:36] frozen in abject terror.

[00:17:39] I could barely bring myself to move.

[00:17:42] I tried to scream,

[00:17:44] but no sound could escape my mouth.

[00:17:47] I was paralyzed with fear,

[00:17:52] stiff as a board,

[00:17:59] able to move.

[00:18:01] I was like a statue.

[00:18:03] You should have gone home, Jennifer.

[00:18:06] Carla!

[00:18:08] Carla!

[00:18:09] Carla was poised at the end of the passage.

[00:18:11] She was walking slowly towards me,

[00:18:14] holding an ice pick in one hand

[00:18:16] and a fish knife in the other.

[00:18:18] The bubbliness had disappeared.

[00:18:21] She wore a vicious,

[00:18:23] knowing smile,

[00:18:24] and also an apron that read,

[00:18:26] I've got crabs,

[00:18:28] with a picture of two happy crabs

[00:18:31] underneath it.

[00:18:32] Why was there an novelty apron

[00:18:35] in the aquarium?

[00:18:37] At this moment,

[00:18:39] I knew something was wrong.

[00:18:43] Just couldn't leave it alone,

[00:18:45] could you?

[00:18:48] Doing?

[00:18:49] Who is that?

[00:18:50] Oh,

[00:18:50] I see you've already met Jones.

[00:18:53] Jones?

[00:18:54] No one fires me from Vulci's.

[00:18:57] I came back that night and,

[00:18:59] well,

[00:19:01] let's just say

[00:19:01] only one of us left

[00:19:03] with a pretty big severance package.

[00:19:06] Although I was terrified,

[00:19:08] I could still appreciate her witty remark.

[00:19:11] I had to store the body somewhere,

[00:19:13] couldn't just throw him to the sharks.

[00:19:15] Well,

[00:19:16] not in one piece, anyway.

[00:19:18] Feeding time.

[00:19:20] Nobody knows about this little hideout.

[00:19:23] Not even Hank.

[00:19:25] Although,

[00:19:26] Dot soon discovered it.

[00:19:27] So you killed her!

[00:19:29] But,

[00:19:30] she was your friend.

[00:19:31] Huh!

[00:19:32] Was I that convincing?

[00:19:33] I'm flattered.

[00:19:35] But,

[00:19:36] why,

[00:19:37] Carla?

[00:19:38] It's like I told you,

[00:19:39] Jennifer.

[00:19:41] We understand

[00:19:42] fish.

[00:19:44] We're not so different,

[00:19:45] you and I.

[00:19:47] Yes,

[00:19:48] I may be a

[00:19:49] scythopatic murderer,

[00:19:50] and you just a lowly

[00:19:52] aquarium employee

[00:19:52] with an overlong

[00:19:53] inner monologue.

[00:19:54] Without a moment's hesitation,

[00:19:56] I picked up

[00:19:56] Jones's frozen arm

[00:19:58] and struck Carla

[00:19:59] across her face with it.

[00:20:01] She went down.

[00:20:02] And that's when I saw

[00:20:04] an opportunity to run.

[00:20:06] But Carla grabbed my leg,

[00:20:07] her face dripping with blood.

[00:20:09] Get back here,

[00:20:10] you bitch!

[00:20:15] Jennifer!

[00:20:17] I kept running,

[00:20:19] but didn't know

[00:20:19] where I was going.

[00:20:21] Every glass tank

[00:20:23] reflected the horror

[00:20:24] I was experiencing.

[00:20:25] I was still holding the arm,

[00:20:27] which was slowly

[00:20:28] starting to defrost.

[00:20:30] I ran across the ramp

[00:20:31] above the shark tank.

[00:20:33] Carla was waiting for me

[00:20:34] on the other side.

[00:20:36] Feeding time.

[00:20:37] Carla had opened

[00:20:38] the top of the shark tank

[00:20:39] and was hell-bent

[00:20:40] on sending me

[00:20:41] into my watery grave

[00:20:42] to be devoured

[00:20:43] by Sharky

[00:20:44] and the other one

[00:20:45] I never thought to name.

[00:20:47] Baby Sharky?

[00:20:48] No.

[00:20:49] Anyway.

[00:20:49] I...

[00:20:49] You've always been

[00:20:51] close to the fishes,

[00:20:52] haven't you, Jennifer?

[00:20:53] Unfortunately,

[00:20:54] you're about to become

[00:20:56] even more intimate

[00:20:57] with them

[00:20:57] because you're going

[00:20:58] to be sleeping

[00:20:59] with them.

[00:21:02] I did get

[00:21:03] the implication.

[00:21:04] She didn't need

[00:21:05] to spell it out.

[00:21:11] Carla leaned over me,

[00:21:13] her face still oozing blood

[00:21:15] and her skin

[00:21:15] turning an arctic white,

[00:21:17] staring at me

[00:21:18] with her murderous eyes.

[00:21:21] With a swing of the arm

[00:21:22] in my hand,

[00:21:23] I plunged

[00:21:25] the cold,

[00:21:25] dead fingers

[00:21:26] into her wound.

[00:21:28] What?

[00:21:30] Was my moment.

[00:21:41] It was only seconds

[00:21:43] before the crystal blue shade

[00:21:45] of the aqua

[00:21:46] had dissolved

[00:21:47] into a bright red liquid.

[00:21:50] I hobbled down the stairs,

[00:21:52] battered,

[00:21:54] bruised,

[00:21:55] bleeding,

[00:21:57] beaten,

[00:21:58] in other words,

[00:21:59] beginning with B.

[00:22:01] And as I reached

[00:22:02] the bottom,

[00:22:03] bludgeoned,

[00:22:03] as I reached

[00:22:07] the bottom

[00:22:08] of the stairs,

[00:22:10] I saw

[00:22:11] that we had not

[00:22:12] been alone.

[00:22:14] Jennifer,

[00:22:16] I saw what you did.

[00:22:18] What?

[00:22:19] You killed Carla.

[00:22:21] You threw her

[00:22:22] from above,

[00:22:23] just like you did

[00:22:24] with Dot.

[00:22:25] No, Hank,

[00:22:27] you don't understand.

[00:22:28] And whose arm is that?

[00:22:30] Is that

[00:22:30] frozen?

[00:22:32] Oh my God,

[00:22:34] you're sick.

[00:22:35] I'm calling the police

[00:22:36] right now.

[00:22:37] Hank, no!

[00:22:38] Listen to me!

[00:22:39] I'll make sure you never

[00:22:39] set foot in an aquarium again.

[00:22:50] Someone once told me

[00:22:51] that something someone

[00:22:53] once told me

[00:22:54] was a common misconception.

[00:22:57] Fish do not have

[00:22:58] short-term memory.

[00:22:59] I think it's us,

[00:23:01] humans,

[00:23:02] who are the ones

[00:23:03] that are so

[00:23:04] quick to forget.

[00:23:06] In those few seconds,

[00:23:08] it appeared I had

[00:23:09] forgotten entirely

[00:23:10] my reason for solving

[00:23:11] this murder

[00:23:12] in the first place.

[00:23:16] Okay,

[00:23:17] thanks for coming.

[00:23:19] Jennifer,

[00:23:20] shark's got to eat.

[00:23:21] You good to take care of it?

[00:23:23] No problem.

[00:23:23] I'll be right back.

[00:23:30] When I gaze at the fish

[00:23:31] in the inner sanctum,

[00:23:33] the same words

[00:23:35] still ring in my ears.

[00:23:37] Just imagine

[00:23:38] the things

[00:23:39] they've seen.

[00:23:45] Feeding time,

[00:23:46] Hank.

[00:23:47] Yeah.

[00:23:49] Imagine.

[00:24:05] Well,

[00:24:06] I guess blood

[00:24:07] is thicker

[00:24:08] than water.

[00:24:10] Speaking of

[00:24:11] feeding time,

[00:24:12] I'm getting

[00:24:12] rather peckish.

[00:24:14] Did you say

[00:24:15] peckish, Ramon?

[00:24:16] Yes,

[00:24:16] I literally

[00:24:16] just said that.

[00:24:18] Then allow me

[00:24:18] to tempt you

[00:24:19] to a brand new

[00:24:20] delicious installment

[00:24:20] from our sponsors,

[00:24:21] Languages.

[00:24:22] It's Languages

[00:24:23] Wafer-Thin Wafers.

[00:24:25] It's less of a biscuit

[00:24:26] and more of a film.

[00:24:28] Tasty.

[00:24:29] Quite, Ramon.

[00:24:30] It's the equivalent

[00:24:31] of pouring sugar

[00:24:32] on your tongue

[00:24:33] and feeling it dissolve.

[00:24:34] The biscuit,

[00:24:35] I mean,

[00:24:35] not your tongue.

[00:24:36] Any dissolving of tongues

[00:24:37] and or other mouth-related

[00:24:38] erosions,

[00:24:39] call Languages

[00:24:39] Emergency Hotline.

[00:24:40] Hotline only available

[00:24:41] between 5 and 7.

[00:24:42] Languages Wafer-Thin Wafers.

[00:24:44] As moorish

[00:24:44] as your saliva.

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