Football Films For People Who Don't Watch Football

[00:00:00] This Podcast Is A 2026 Golden Lobes Podcast Award Winner. Nice! Not to record my own cold open or anything, but I do have an open bag of jelly beans here, and I was going to eat them while I recorded because I thought that would be quite a fun callback to a previous episode. But it turns out that only really works if there's somebody else

[00:00:26] talking over me, otherwise this becomes like a very weird fetish thing, and right now at least, I'm not okay with that. You guys are making a podcast. No one asked for this!

[00:00:52] So welcome to The Podcast Nobody Asked For with me, Ian Harries, and usually Graham Jones, but unfortunately he is not able to join us this week. So this is the podcast where we argue about a top three list of a topic that nobody else has to talk about. I've got three picks to talk through, and then we will figure out The Podcast Nobody Asked For's official top three football films for people who don't watch football. Obviously, this, if you're listening to it on release day, is the day the

[00:01:20] World Cup started. Well, not the day the World Cup started, obviously, it's the day this year's tournament started. Obviously, if you are listening to this on release day, I'm also assuming you aren't a football fan. So you're in safe company, because unfortunately, the obvious subject for us

[00:01:41] to pick was football, and the football fan host isn't available, but the rugby fan host is. So we're going to have to just kind of feel our way through this together. So I haven't done any research, because I thought it would be funnier not to. So the World Cup, happy World Cup to everybody who

[00:02:05] celebrates it. So I've made some assumptions. So I think the World Cup started in... So it's been a while. The World Cup has gone on for a while. I know that, because football is eternal, apparently. I'm going to say it's pre-World War II. So I think it's going to have started in the 30s. I don't think it

[00:02:30] would be super close to World War II, because everybody would be... I think things were a bit too Nazi-ish then to start a Goodwill tournament. So I'm going to say it started in... I'm also not quickly good at maths to kind of keep counting back in four-year increments. I'm going to say it started

[00:02:52] in 1934. So we will double check that. I think the first winner was... Now this is a little bit of cheating. Or, well, you'll see. So we've become, and by we, I mean my wife and I have become weirdly addicted to Sporkle, the app where you... like the quiz game, if you know that. And a random one

[00:03:19] popped up of World Cup winners. And I... It was in order, and I had to write who won. Actually, why can't I... If I literally... I would have seen the year the first World Cup was, and I can't remember what it is, which is great. Good for me. I know Uruguay won a load of early tournaments. I think they've won like four times? Maybe? I don't know. I thought they won the first one.

[00:03:46] But when I wrote Uruguay, it didn't appear as the answer. So either... And then I got bored and I stopped doing the quiz. So either they didn't and another country did, or I can't spell Uruguay. And so there's that. So I'm going to say Italy won the first one. It would be a fascist Italy. So I'm assuming the outfits would have been great. And the World Cup famously was founded by that guy

[00:04:14] Tim Roth played in that movie that grossed absolutely no money. That was basically a vanity project. So that's my understanding of the World Cup. So let's see if I'm right. So... The first World Cup was in 1930. So I was wrong, unfortunately. Not far off, though.

[00:04:41] That's not too bad. History degree came into power there. Apparently the 1942 World Cup bid included Germany. So no wonder that didn't go ahead. Uruguay hosted the first World Cup. That's interesting. And the first... Shit. Okay. So Uruguay did host the first World Cup and they also won it. So apparently I can't spell Uruguay.

[00:05:09] Italy won the second and the third. And then Uruguay won the fourth. So Uruguay have won twice, not the three or four that I thought. But the name is obviously written on this list three times because they're also a host nation. So I'm not that stupid. I mean, I'm not that clever either. But let's... All right. So that's good. That's good to know. And then I also said it was founded by the guy

[00:05:38] Tim Roth played in a movie. And I am wrong. Tim Roth played Sepp Blatter in that film. I thought that film was about the founding of the World Cup. Oh, it is. Okay. So Gerard Depardieu played the guy who founded the World Cup. Jules Rimet or Jules Rimet, just to keep going with my inability

[00:06:04] to actually pronounce words properly. Okay. So I think on that I was wrong three out of three times, which is nice. But like we said, I'm not particularly a football fan. I used to be... I used to vaguely follow it when I was a child and my age was in single digits. I was of the era where I could remember players such as Teddy Sheringham, Darren Anderton,

[00:06:29] those other guys. You know, obviously, you know, your Beckhams, your Michael Owens, your Zidans. I don't really remember Cantona as a footballer. I remember him more as an actor and a drop kicker. Well, a karate kicker, I guess. Over the last 12 years, I have watched, I think, two football matches in their entirety.

[00:06:53] One of them was recently because Graham took me to see Watford versus Wrexham after declaring that I was a Wrexham fan on his solo episode about rugby. And I, after that, or before then, obviously, I watched Wales... Was it Wales, England? Maybe? I don't know. I watched a game at the Euros, a company I worked with, because they were giving free pizza out to people who

[00:07:19] watched it. And I may not be a football fan, my friends, but I am definitely a pizza fan. So as someone who has averaged watching a football film every six years, I feel like I am uniquely positioned to talk about football films for people who don't watch football. So there's a lot out there. I love a good sporting film, me. I think we've talked about it before. There was a period where Graham and I lived together. We call that the golden age. And I

[00:07:47] would watch sport films while I worked because, as Graham said, I often will watch films on a theme because I'm quite clearly autistic. And I decided, oh, I'm in my sport movie era. I'm just going to keep watching sport films. I do recommend it because it means there's less thought. Going into actually picking a film, if you're just picking it on a theme, it becomes more of a list. But I love a good sport film because you kind of know what's going to happen when you go into it.

[00:08:16] It's kind of like, it's quite, even though there'll be drama and thrills and shit like that, you kind of know how it's going to end. There'll be a part where they play badly. They learn from it. Generally speaking, you decide that you work better than a team and then you win. Even if it's just like a solo person sport, like Warrior, the incredible Tom Hardy and Joel Edgerton movie, that still ends with them figuring out they're better off together.

[00:08:43] It's literally about cage fighters and they still somehow, like less teamwork and more, you know, family and stuff like that. But sport is great, isn't it? I mean, like all of my football knowledge comes almost entirely from either overhearing, sitting, watching people talk about football because I have absolutely nothing to contribute, or one of the many, many Ellis James hosted podcasts that I listen to.

[00:09:10] I know that Hungary has a really good football team. And I think over the course of like six years or something, I'm just going to say all of this with confidence. And again, assuming people listening to this aren't hugely into football. So like, again, if you say any of this with confidence, people will believe you like little trick there for you. I'm fairly sure Hungary is like golden team

[00:09:35] won every single game over a six year period, bar one. And I think that one game was a World Cup final. And that is, that is very Welsh, apart from the fact they were in the World Cup. It's, I, yeah, I mean, I have this with, it's not just football, there's a couple of sports with it where I love a documentary about basketball, never watched a full game of basketball.

[00:09:59] I love documentaries and films on baseball. I don't really watch baseball. Like I, I, I, there's something about it that is just fascinating. And we are, I was going to say golden age again, but I feel like I've said golden too many times. We are in a, what can I say if it's not golden age?

[00:10:23] Renaissance, sport-naissance, documentaire-naissance, either way. Basically they're making a shitload of good sport films right now, or sport documentaries. And I would definitely recommend seeking as many of them out as you can. Um, I'm going to, I'm controlling this. I don't have anyone else to talk to. So I am, uh, just going to go straight into my movie recommendation. Nobody asked for jingle.

[00:10:49] I, uh, I assume you guys are here for a movie recommendation. No, thank you. Nah, I'm fine. Nah, I'm fine. I'm all right, actually. Nah, I'm fine. It's all right. I'm fine. Yeah, that's all right. Fuck off. So this fun fact, this was actually going to be one of my choices today. And then a friend of mine, uh, I play rugby with, um, who's a massive bellend messaged me and said, uh, one

[00:11:18] of your choices has to be this, uh, which I will, I will pick as my first choice. Um, and I said it was down to four. That was one of them. Um, and then when I mentioned this film, he said, that's a documentary, not a film. Uh, and to be fair to him, uh, he is wrong because it is a documentary film, but it does feel cleaner picking three fiction films and it makes my, it whittles down the choice of three for me by itself. So my movie recommendation

[00:11:45] nobody asked for, uh, for this episode is next goal wins the 2014 documentary by Mike Brett and Steve Jameson. It is fucking amazing. So like I said, I don't care about football, but I care about underdog stories. And this is like one of the biggest underdog stories ever. So it follows the American Samoan team who in 2001 got absolutely pumped by Australia 31 to nothing.

[00:12:14] So that is a goal basically every two and a half minutes for the entirety of a, no, it's more than that because yes, no, yes, no. It's a goal every three minutes. Sorry. I default to sport being 80 minutes long. And that's not true. Football is 90 minutes long plus stoppage time. Uh, so it was the worst, uh, worst loss in international football history. Uh, and they have been completely dogged

[00:12:43] by it, uh, ever since. And in 2014, they decided that they wanted to, well, they wanted to qualify for the 2014 world cup. Um, but continue to basically lose every single game they would ever play. So they hired in a Dutch born American based coach called Thomas Rongan, who kind of looks like someone drew Anthony Bourdain from memory, um, who coaches the American Samoan team leading up to the

[00:13:10] qualifying tournament. And it's so fun and bizarre. And, uh, American Samoan is a beautiful country. Uh, it's got a population of 55,000, which is roughly the population of Kettering or Royal Leamington Spa, uh, which is smaller than like the vast majority of like, even just like, well, not the vast majority, but it's smaller than a lot of stadiums in football in Europe. So, you know,

[00:13:38] we're not talking about a big pool that they could draw their players from. It's basically like, you know, fielding a town team against an international side. Uh, but it is so uplifting and so interesting and heartwarming and all of those kinds of like good, wholesome words that you would want to describe, um, uh, a documentary like that. So I'd strongly recommend it. There's a load

[00:14:02] of other football documentaries and sport documentaries in general out there. So obviously the mighty penguins, which we, uh, talked about at length in our trilogy of penguins, uh, episodes a while back. Um, I still don't know if that's even available to watch, but, uh, Louis Miles, the guy who made that also did a documentary called Kaiser, uh, excuse me, exclamation mark, so Kaiser, the greatest footballer

[00:14:29] never to play football, which is a con man who convinced clubs he was a footballer despite barely playing football, uh, 30 for 30 did one called the two Escobars, which is about a Colombian footballer called Andre or Andres Escobar, uh, who was friends with Pablo Escobar, the notorious drug kingpin and what happens there. And like, honestly, I think any sports documentary made over the last 10 years,

[00:14:58] it's probably worth watching. And the style of them has changed so much that I now struggle with older sports documentaries just because they, not that they feel unwatchable, but it is so jarring watching. So, so now it is something which like, I didn't notice until it was pointed out, but a lot of, especially sports documentaries now don't really have narration. It is all built just around the,

[00:15:21] uh, the spoken word is just the interviews with people rather than, uh, it was a cold Wednesday in 1972 when the teams, what that kind of thing. Um, and yeah, like, I just can't go back to, an older style of it, which is, which is fascinating and probably says more about me than the, the, the, the, the documentary. But yeah, so first recommendation, next girl wins, uh, obviously,

[00:15:45] uh, like my, my illustrious colleague on the rugby field, um, said, if you don't view that as a film, because it's a documentary, I should probably pick an actual film. Um, and I'm going to go with, I thought I would pick a team who is in the world cup, Sweden are in the world cup. Anyway, it's midsummer. The second choice is midsummer. Of course it's midsummer. I can't remember if anyone

[00:16:13] kicks a football in it. I can't remember if anything even remotely football related happens in it because that's not what I'm keeping an eye on when I watch films, but yeah, watch midsummer. It's great. And again, especially if this is released today and you have no interest in watching football, which is why you're listening to me rambling for up to an hour. Um, watch midsummer. It's great. It's awesome. Watch any, watch midsummer and then just keep watching sports documentaries

[00:16:40] until you run out of them, which could, could be a while. So football films. Um, should I just get into it? Maybe I should just get into it. I don't know how long I've been recording for. Uh, it's currently saying 22 minutes. I know it's not been 22 minutes because, uh, for a couple of those, I've definitely just been sat here eating jelly beans. I definitely had to re record a part of it. Uh, I can't remember why, but I did. Um, so who knows, who knows what's happening guys? Uh,

[00:17:08] first choice. So the first choice, uh, of our solo journey through the world of cinematic football, uh, is an interesting one. And as I said, this is one that, uh, a friend of mine messaged me today, just with the words, actually, was it just with the words? Let me check. Let's, let's have a look to see what that strange little hobbit of a man messaged me. Um, I'm going to keep insulting him because I'm not even sure if he listens to this. So I think if I just keep going at some point, I'll just get a

[00:17:36] message from him or maybe someone else who plays rugby and I'm not even going to say his name, just strange little hobbit of a man. If you listen to this and you play rugby with me, message me who you think that is. And I will put good money that you're right. So he messaged me earlier today, just with the message escape to victory, the end. So my first choice is escape to victory, the 1981 sports film where a group of prisoners of war played by actors and footballers

[00:18:04] take on a prison team of Nazi prison guards. Um, it's awful, but it's a lot of fun. And as you know, I am a big fan of a good, bad movie. And this is like up there on the list of good, bad movie films you want to watch. Cause I think one of the definitions of a film like that, this is the plot has to sound like a lie. And this sounds like a lie. What is fascinating is until today, I didn't realize it is kind of based on a true story, which is nuts, but we'll get onto that.

[00:18:33] Um, cause obviously when given time by myself, I'm going to talk about history as well. So let's chuck the history jingle into the Ian Harry's history section, not because they are easy, but because they are hard. Cause I did have choices. Let's be real. Graham's not here. I didn't have to keep talking about football, but he did a rugby themed episode. So it seemed only fair that on the day the world cup starts, I talk about football. I toyed with the idea of doing a Chicago fire special,

[00:19:02] but if anything, that feels funnier if Graham is here too. I toyed with the idea of doing a Scott Adkins special, but also part of me just wants to start a Scott Adkins rewatch podcast. So that the fact that I've watched 30 films of his this year, doesn't feel as much of a cry for help. Um, where was I escaped to victory? So none of the actors can play football and none of the footballers can act and boy, are there a lot of footballers in it. Uh, so amongst the big acting

[00:19:30] names of Michael Caine and Solesta Stallone, uh, we have Pele, a football player that I even know about, uh, widely regarded as one of the greatest players ever scores a bicycle kick at the end of the film. Spoilers for something that came out in 1981. Um, if you're wondering if I said the name, the film came out, because I wasn't confident very quickly doing the maths of how long this film is,

[00:19:53] uh, came out. Uh, yes, you're correct. Uh, Bobby Moore, England's 1966 world winning world cup winning captain is in it. Uh, a load of other people whose names I can't pronounce. Osvaldo Ardeles, who was a member of Argentina's 1978 world cup winning squad and apparently a Tottenham legend. Uh, one of Poland's greatest ever players. Kaz, I'm going to murder these names, man.

[00:20:22] Kazimierz Dina? All right. Uh, other stars include, these ones are easy. Uh, Mike Summerby, who played for Manchester City, uh, Halivar Thorsen, who was one of Norway's top players of the era. Werner Roth, who's, uh, in the US Soccer Hall of Fame, because of course that's something. Loads of others, including a pretty sizeable Ipswich town contingent, because apparently at the time

[00:20:47] they were one of Europe's best sides. So if you are listening to this, why haven't you told me that the key defining feature of your football team, aside from the fact that Ed Sheeran sponsored them recently, I don't think he does anymore, but, um, was that they, a lot of the players were in, uh, Sylvester Sloan and Michael Caine film. Um, so it is, it is nuts. So, um, it's

[00:21:12] based on a true, like, it's loosely based on the legendary death match, which was played in, not, sorry, I shouldn't be laughing. This is a very serious, uh, topic. It's just fucking nuts, right? Like, this is a film where Pele scores a bicycle kick at the last minutes, while Sylvester Stallone is their goalie, and it's based on a true story. So it's based

[00:21:38] on something that's called the death match, which was played in Nazi-occupied Kiev in 1942 between, uh, FC Start, who was largely formula, formula? No, largely former Dynamo Kiev players, uh, against a German military team. Um, obviously this is something which is kind of descended into, like, folklore and legend. Uh, the popular version goes the Ukrainian players were ordered to lose,

[00:22:04] they refused, they beat the Germans, and a load of them were sent to concentration camps and executed. So, it's an incredible story, it's probably largely myth, but these games definitely did happen. Um, it wasn't in prison. I think a lot of these teams were based out of, like, a giant industrial bakery that was feeding the German war machine. Um, they beat, uh, a German military team, a Luftwaffe team,

[00:22:31] um, but it's definitely, like, a lot more, I think, complicated than, uh, that suggests. The story's been turned into not just Escape to Victory, but a load of films. So, there was a Hungarian film called Two Half Times in Hell. Um, the 1970 American film, The Longest Yard, was based on this story, which also means that Mean Machine is kind of based on

[00:22:56] the same material as Escape to Victory is, uh, which does make sense, like, don't get me wrong, but yeah, I, I never quite, I, I never realised this had its, I, I, obviously it's rooted in history, there's fucking Nazis in it, but, like, I didn't realise it was actually based on something that actually happened. Um, especially when the famous go-to World War football story is the whole, uh, cease, Christmas ceasefire, uh, stuff. So, you know, Merry Christmas, etc. But yeah,

[00:23:25] like, I, I, I remember watching this at, I think, my grandparents' house, because it was on TV, and it just doesn't sound real, does it? Um, Max von Sydow is also in it as, uh, a German major, and it's just, like, I, I, I, I can't imagine them making this now. Could I? I probably could. Like, this does reek of a film that, like, I mean, so it's Sylvester Sloan, so obviously this,

[00:23:55] this would be, like, The Rock and Danny Dyer would remake this now, with a load of, um, footballers who are now podcasters, because that seems to be the career projection of a podcaster. Well, to be a podcaster, you either need to have been really, really, really bored during lockdown, uh, or apparently a professional athlete. So, escape to victory. Like, again, I, I don't care for

[00:24:25] football, but this is a classic underdog story. It's got history thrown in. Sylvester Sloan is a goalie, and you get to see Michael Caine playing alongside Pelé as if that's a completely normal thing. Uh, I'm also, also wondering if, uh, or obviously you're listening to this and thinking, hey, but isn't Pelé from Brazil? And they didn't join the war until 1944. Uh, correct. Um, that's

[00:24:49] why they made his character from Trinidad. Uh, there's also an Irish character, despite the fact that Ireland didn't fight in World War II. Um, and they make absolutely no attempt explaining who he is. Uh, and, uh, Argentina, uh, obviously not really involved, so his character, they just don't, just don't mention where he's from. And I've got a lot of time for that. Uh, interestingly, uh,

[00:25:14] Escape to Victory was also filmed, uh, in Budapest, uh, about a 45 minute drive away from when Midsommar was filmed in Budapest. So everything comes full circle. Next choice. So this is, uh, I watched this film far too many times to be fair, because it is, it's, so this, this is Green Street. Or if you're, uh, an American listener, uh, Green Street

[00:25:44] Hooligans, uh, which is a film that tries to make Elijah Wood seem threatening, which is impossible. Um, again, I very nearly didn't pick, I don't know why I said again, uh, I, I nearly didn't pick this. I nearly went with the third film. So Green Street 3 solely because, uh, so Green Street 3, never back down, uh, which is notable almost exclusively because Scott Adkins is in it.

[00:26:12] And I haven't actually watched it yet. I've watched a lot of Scott Adkins films this year, but not Green Street 3 yet. So you, and like, you know, I, I'm trying to, I'm trying to take the, the privilege of being a host seriously and making sincere picks this episode. And I feel like picking Green Street 3, never back down solely because, uh, of Scott Adkins, uh, would feel like

[00:26:37] I'm lying to you guys. And you know what? No. Hey guys, future Ian here. And most importantly, a future Ian who has now watched Green Street 3. Uh, I have a very set amount of time today where I'm in the house by myself. I needed to get this, uh, episode edited because it's coming out tomorrow. And rather than dive straight into editing, I watched Green Street 3. It is fucking awful.

[00:27:05] Uh, and by awful, I mean, uh, it's, uh, it's an awful lot of fun, but mainly awful. Uh, so it, it turns football hooliganism into like a competitive sport. There's like literally like a league table of teams that fight each other in things like car parks and, uh, between at one

[00:27:31] point a ring made out of skips, not, not as in the, the dissolvable prawn cocktail crisps as in, uh, refuse collectors. Um, and it makes absolutely no sense. So they looked at football hooliganism and thought, Hey, but what if we make this more like a Rocky film? Um, and it makes a fucking hell man, like part of it, there are bits of this, but it's going to sound like I'm taking the

[00:27:56] piss, but there is a five minute long montage scene. And at one point in it, they're in a boxing ring with a punching bag on the floor and they're all just kind of like putting their foot in. Um, that's a real scene in the film, but fuck me, Scott Adkins is good. So instead, uh, we're just going with the original one. So this follows an American journalist student, uh, journalism

[00:28:25] student played by Elijah Wood, who, okay, like, you know, like fair enough. He's expelled from Harvard on, uh, trumped up drug charges, uh, and ends up in London visiting his sister. Um, her brother-in-law, uh, is a member of the Green Street elite who are a West Ham United hooligan firm. Uh, and it's part like a fish out of water thing. It's part this brother character played by

[00:28:50] Charlie Hunnam, uh, doing like Charlie Hunnam for a guy who is British seems completely unable to do a British accent. And it is wild again. It sounds like I keep saying again, but this is the first time I've said this Charlie Hunnam sounds like he's doing a British accent. There's only ever been explained to him. Like, it's like someone has written something down in phonetic British accent

[00:29:13] and he's just reading it. It's crazy. It's a lot of fun. Like it really is a lot of fun. It's silly. It's over the top. Um, it, it, it's, it's again, it's Charlie Hunnam and Elijah Wood getting into fist fights around football matches. And that is as preposterous as it sounds. Uh, the fight scenes

[00:29:35] are also quite good. Uh, so the director, um, is Lexi Alexander, who was a German born martial arts champion, uh, who went on to direct, uh, Punisher Warzone, which I think is the one that's got Ray Stevenson in. Um, and all the fight scenes seem like really quite grounded. Like they're, they're, they're fucking brutal when they want to be a lot of like these hooligan movies definitely seem to like glamorize the violence side of it. Well, while this is still like stylized, it definitely feels a bit

[00:30:04] more like brutal. And you know, I've got, I've got time for that. It was, uh, this role, uh, so Pete Dunham that Charlie Hunnam, Charlie Hunnam and Pete Dunham sounds like Cockney rhyming, sorry, uh, which is an accent I'm assuming he's completely unable to do, uh, is, uh, the role that got him Sons of Anarchy, uh, was partly filmed at Upton Park, which was West Ham's former ground, which I also

[00:30:27] think is where that, uh, Dave Bautista action film, which I think is called Final Score or Full Time or something football related, where Pierce Brosnan's in it as a terrorist, but not the type of terrorist you would assume Pierce Brosnan played, um, which is a action film that takes place during a football game. I'm sure that was at Upton Park, but Upton Park stands and not a bowl. So you could have just left. They had to see J.I. corners onto the stadium. And I always find that quite funny. Um, was going

[00:30:56] to be one of my choices, but again, Green Street just feels better, you know, right? It's Charlie Hunnam. It's Elijah Wood, like second dimension of a hobbit, Elijah Wood, man. Like I love him. Elijah Wood and Daniel Radcliffe are two of the most interesting actors working now because I feel like they're our generation's, um, Nicolas Cage in that they will say yes to absolutely everything and bring every single role or like everything that they have. They go into everything a hundred

[00:31:25] percent and everything they go into is fucking nuts. Uh, Daniel Radcliffe was in Guns Akimbo, which was basically him having guns like riveted to his hands. Elijah Wood played, I think a teacher in a film about zombie kids, which is fucked up and like, I got a lot of time for the lad, but he can do anything he wants playing a threatening, uh, football hooligan. No, like I know,

[00:31:50] I know hooligans come in all shapes and sizes. Um, but I don't think Hobbit is one of them. Uh, I love, I love, I love you, Elijah. If you're listening to this, um, why for one, if you are listening to this, like reach out, I'd love to have you on. I'm sure there's a lot of interesting topics we could do. We could do, um, movie characters we wished were Hobbits, third dimension of Hobbits.

[00:32:14] Um, we could do extended editions that are better than the original. We could do fucked up horror films. I know you like horror films. We could do films where we wish Bruce Willis was our imaginary friend in a rabbit costume, because I think you were in a film where that happened. But I could be wrong. Because again, I remember kind of half watching that when I was a kid. Was it called North? Was it you?

[00:32:38] And there was a film where, with Cully Culkin tried to kill you? I think. TikTok shows me that one. I think it's called Good Child or Bad Child. It's not Good Boy. That's the one about the dog. And Bad Boy sounds a bit pornographic. So yeah, I'm not sure. Anyway, Elijah Wood, spent far too long talking to you given you're not here. Uh, also, because I'm recording this alone on Riverside so that I can get, um, uh, some, like, media stuff, like, I am just watching myself talk.

[00:33:08] Uh, this is really, really fucking weird. God, I miss Graham. But yeah, Green Street. Um, it's a film that involves a lot of fighting. Uh, it's quite funny. It's quite brutal. Charlie Arnhem's funny. And Elijah Wood is a hobbit. And the reason, the reason you can watch it if you aren't a football fan. Probably should have, probably should have done that in the first one. So first one, the reason you can watch it if you're not a football fan is it's kind of more like a

[00:33:33] historical jailbreak movie than it is a football movie. It's a film that has football as a set piece in, even though there's a load of footballers in it. This one, you can watch it even if you aren't a football fan, because it's not really about football. It is about the people around it and the camaraderie and what that means and also beating the shit out of each other in a field. And the final film. And this is, again, a good one. I haven't watched this in a while,

[00:33:56] which is a shame. I do need to re-watch it. Uh, this is, uh, 2001's Shaolin Soccer. Uh, so this was directed and written by a guy called Stephen Cho, who I honestly thought was going to be the next big martial arts thing. And I don't think he's really done all that much. So he did 2004's Kung Fu Hustle, which is a action comedy masterpiece. It is one of the best martial arts films ever made. It is legitimately funny. It is crazily sincere. And it's also just at its core,

[00:34:24] a really, really, really, really good martial arts movie. Um, the boring comparison with Stephen Cho is, uh, or Stephen Chow is Jackie Chan. And there are definitely a lot of comparisons because in this martial art, like he definitely puts, seems to put comedy, comedy first isn't the right thing to say, but he's fucking funny basically is what it's coming down to. Uh, I don't know if he's also a communist party mouse piece, uh, but given that I've already insulted Hobbits, uh, and Elijah Wood on

[00:34:53] this, I don't also want to turn the Chinese government, uh, against me. Um, so Shaolin Soccer, uh, it's a disgraced former football star teams up with a Shaolin monk who believes Kung Fu has a place in modern life. And together they assemble a team of Shaolin monks, each a Kung Fu master fallen on hard times to enter a football tournament and take on team evil. Yes, team evil. Um, it's a

[00:35:19] Hog Kong sports comedy, uh, operates on pure uncut joy. Uh, there's like wild work, martial arts in it, slapstick over the top CGI, uh, similar to Kung Fu hustle in places. It just seems like a Looney Tunes, uh, film. And it's just, there's so much like genuine, genuine warmth amongst just utter ridiculousness. It's something where I think a lot of people wouldn't, it doesn't feel like an idea

[00:35:47] that you can drag out for a whole film, but you really, really, really can. Um, the goalkeeper is basically Bruce Lee. Um, and by basically Bruce Lee, I mean, he's in the, uh, the game of death, the, the, the Kill Bill outfit, the yellow with the, the, the black stripe. Uh, he looks like Bruce Lee. And I'd also think the actor went on to be in a Bruce Lee biopic. So it's not, it's not me

[00:36:12] being racist. It's all right. It actually is supposed to look like Bruce Lee. And that's a bit where team evil kicked the ball at him. Um, and for some reason the ball sets on fire and his goalkeeper gloves explode. Uh, it's like, fuck man. It's like if, if they did Space Jam, but decided not to draw the cartoons and just have them as people instead. Like, I think that's the best, um, comparison.

[00:36:37] And then like, you can also like to bring Michael Caine back into it. Um, if you compare it to kind of like him in Christmas Carol or Muppets Christmas Carol, uh, what really sells this is the sheer commitment to the bit. It's complained completely straight, regardless of like all the nonsense and bullshit that's happening. There's a goalkeeper at one point punches a shot. And I think it's orbit. The pitch gets destroyed, a ball set on fire. There's one bit where I think he kicks the ball

[00:37:04] and it's not just on fire. It's like a fiery lion around it. It was the highest grossing Hong Kong film ever at the time of its release, which, which is fucking nuts. Cause this is like really like cult oddity of a movie. Um, it's man. I love this film. I love Kung Fu Hustle. I need to rewatch Kung Fustle. Um, me and a good friend of mine, Dan, um, who I know listens to the podcast. Thanks bro.

[00:37:28] I actually gave him a year's worth of free patron, um, because he, uh, beat someone in fantasy football that put me into the playoffs. And you know what? I liked that Dan. I liked that a lot. Um, ages ago, we did a Kung Fu day where we watched, I think like six or seven Kung Fu movies back to back while eating like grotesque amounts of takeaway. Um, and we need to do that again, man. We need to do that again. And we need to include Shaolin, include Shaolin soccer in it. Um, I actually think Dan was the

[00:37:58] one who introduced me to this film as well back before, uh, TikTok and algorithms were a thing when somebody actually had to recommend things to you. But yeah, like I watched, um, I wasn't able to rewatch this before I recorded. Uh, so I'm definitely going to, uh, I did however, watch a load of random clips on YouTube, uh, because this is the 21st century and that's what a boy can do now.

[00:38:21] And it, it like, seriously, like I cannot stress enough how much fun it is. It really is just like watching a cartoon. Uh, and that's why regardless of whether you watch football or not, you will like this film because even though it is out of everything, this is the film that is most about football, but this is done in such a cartoony over the top way that even if you legitimately

[00:38:47] couldn't care less about the game, you would still love the film because cartoons are great and there is a part of every person's soul which will forever be cel-shaded and devoted to shitty little cartoons. Um, you could put that on a t-shirt. So yeah, Shaolin soccer. And those were our choices. Or my choices. Our choices. Our? Do I go third person? I don't know.

[00:39:13] No, third person would be saying those were Ian's choices. Um, either way, those were the choices. Um, it's time for us to figure out the top three. Well, I don't think we're really going to do the top three of our threes. Um, so no jingle, uh, this week. Um, because obviously the official top three is going to be my choices, but I think we can also go through a couple of, um, honorable mentions. Uh, so like I said, I have to say films about football, uh, which, uh, so football films for people who

[00:39:42] don't watch football. Um, you've obviously got like the football factory stuff, which again is kind of like hooligany shite. Um, uh, Mean Machine, uh, kind of mentioned that already. Uh, I was going to hilariously just pick random films that Vinnie Jones was in because he's been in awful lots of films. Um, uh, The Damned United is, uh, a Brian Clough biopic, which don't get me wrong. Great,

[00:40:11] great film. Uh, I would have only picked it because Michael Sheen is in it and that is the type of man I am. Uh, there's a load of hooligan movies. There's a load of football movies. There's, there's a lot out there, but I, I think these are the best for me anyway. Obviously that's how this works and that's why I've picked them. Football was an interesting one out of all. Like say what you want about American

[00:40:34] sport. It's very filmable. Like it's a lot easier, I think, to get the drive and the drama from filming something like American football than it is from our football. So I think football films have always struggled just because like, because if we're being real, the majority of football and rugby is, is similar. The majority of football, nothing's really happening. And there's only so many times

[00:41:01] you can put a goal into a film, but yeah, I, I wonder if that's why there's not really a lot of, again, why football films generally don't focus on the football, football side of it. They're like, there's gotta be more hooligan films than actual football sports films. But yeah, I could kind of talk about this for a while, I think, but it would pretty much just be boiled down to me going, because beating the shit out of each other is a lot more interesting than watching football, but given it is your guy's special day, I don't want to rinse the sport all that much.

[00:41:30] And to be fair, I had a decent day out at Watford, Wrexham. We had a decent burger from a van outside, and by decent, I mean, it was awful, but that kind of awful burger you only get from burger vans outside pubs and stadiums where really it is really nice. Like, you know, they're the reason burgers get advertised with 100% beef because you know there's random shit in it. Like, those kind of ones.

[00:41:55] Like, a burger that doesn't change size or density when you cook it. Like, because burgers should at least shrivel up, or whatever, this is just exactly the same puck-shaped when cooked as it is uncooked. And god, food is great, isn't it? The jelly beans I've got in front of me are just kind of looking at me, so I might have to wrap this up. Anyway, so choices. So it is a tough one. So football films

[00:42:23] are people who don't want to watch football. You know what? I might just go in order I've said it, you know? So at number three, I think I'm going to do Escape to Victory. It is a very good film. There is a lot of football in it. And by very good film, like I said, it's a very enjoyable film. I would never say it's a good film. So number three, Escape to Victory. I think number two,

[00:42:48] I would put... Green Street is number two, mainly because I want... Shaolin Soccer is far and away the number one for me. Like, this is the one that after this episode, I want to go out and watch. Green Street is just wildly over the top. Like, again, it is brutal. I remember watching this far too many times growing up. Strongly recommend. Not strongly recommend, again, because it isn't that

[00:43:12] good. It's just enjoyable. And again, even though you might not like football, you probably like people beating shit out of each other on a field. Am I right, guys? And number one, Shaolin Soccer, because Shaolin Soccer is fantastic. Like I said, it's basically a live-action cartoon. After watching Shaolin Soccer, you need to watch Kung Fu Hustle, which I'm fairly sure is the film he made immediately after this. Escape to Victory. So it was directed by John Houston, who's Angelica and Danny Houston's

[00:43:41] dad. The film he directed after that, I'm fairly sure, was Annie. Fun fact for you there. So those were our choices. I have no idea what this episode's run to. Obviously, it's going to be a shorter one, because it's just me this time. But we still wanted to get some content out there for you. I hope you enjoy the football. I know there's a lot of games. There's like 100 and something,

[00:44:07] which I would argue is too many games for a tournament. Because I do like, again, to use the comparison of rugby, I do like being able to try to watch as many of these games as I can, and 100 is too much. 100, and when a game is 90 minutes plus stoppage, is a lot. That's like 9,000 minutes, which is a certain amount of hours, which is many hours. It's many hours, guys. Like, FIFA, what are you doing, man? And the fact, like, I've even mentioned where the World Cup is.

[00:44:35] It's in America? North America? Because it's like Canada, Mexico, and the US. Right? Yeah? Yeah. That's something I definitely should have researched before doing this. I know a lot of it's in the US, and I know a lot of the tickets haven't been sold, because of course they haven't. But we don't want to make this political. So, you know, let's just stick with it.

[00:45:00] Anyway, that's us done today. Those are the choices. It turns out I need Graham to get me to stop talking. Otherwise, I'm just going to tell you what, I'm just going to keep talking, and I'm just going to turn my own vocals down. And then we will just have kind of that closing music. So, flip point. Welcome to Brexit. Ugh, no one asked for this.

[00:45:32] This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit Podomity.com.