Movie Characters We Would Noir

[00:00:00] This Podcast Is A 2026 Golden Lobes Podcast Award Winner. Nice. Let's do it. Let's do this thing. Cool, right. Which one are we doing? Not going to do. Noir. Excuse me? Oh, we're noiring? We're normal episode? Yeah, yeah. I'm just confused as to what a noir is. A noir? A noir. Noir? Noir. Noir.

[00:00:28] Is this now something I also pronounce correctly? It's something you pronounce strangely. I'm fine. It's very much if Stephen Toast was saying film noir. Film noir. Film noir. You guys are making a podcast.

[00:01:01] No one asked for this. So welcome to The Podcast Nobody Asked For with me, Ian Harries. And me, Graham Jones. It was a dark time. The kind of dark that gets into your bones. There's some little corner office there. Outside, the rain came down like God had made a list of everyone who'd ever wronged him. I was working through it alphabetically. I think we were somewhere around the G's. Inside, a dame had asked the question. The question. The one nobody should have the sense to ask.

[00:01:28] She said it with the kind of smile that meant trouble and the kind of eyes that look into your soul and say, Hey, I'm a really nice pair of eyes. And now we were here. Two men. Six picks. A topic that never did anything to deserve this kind of attention. Because this is the podcast where we argue about top three lists. Lists that we hope nobody asked for. Lists that crawl out of the gutter, dust themselves off and demand to be taken seriously. Tonight's obsession. Tonight's affliction. Tonight's reason to pour a second drink.

[00:01:59] Movie characters we would noir. Three picks each. One official verdict. It ain't easy beating us. It's going to get a lot harder before the night's through. Thank you. And scene. Very nice. Because it turns out, Riverside has a teleprompter feature. Nice. Which is cool. Because again, we're just going to keep mentioning Riverside in the hope that they give us money off. Yeah. Or just free. If they do, who knows?

[00:02:28] Yeah, I mean, ideally. Ideally, everybody would just give me things for free. But I think that's, you know, is that a comment on me? Is that a comment on society? Who knows, Graham? And who dares to dream? So, I'm assuming this would have been the cold open. I can't say noir. Noir? You're right now. Noir. Noir. Not noir. Just noir. Noir. Noir. I was pronouncing it like jaguar.

[00:02:58] Jaguar. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's okay. We still love you. It's fine. I'm on, again, I'm on brand. You're on brand with your cracked coffee mug. I am on brand with not being able to say things correctly. So, we are doing this because, and I really want to pronounce it like Spiderman noir. Spiderman noir should have hit Amazon Prime. And we thought, you know what?

[00:03:28] We're an award-winning podcast now. We've got our stuff going. Let's jump on the algorithm and see what happens. So, we're talking about everybody's favourite, mostly detective-based genre. How much do you know about, let's go straight into our good friend Nicholas Cage. How much do you know about, have you ever read the comics it's based on? Or are you just into the Spider-Verse kind of guy? Yeah, into the Spider-Verse stuff.

[00:03:53] I've seen the comics and never got round to picking them up, but love the kind of concept of it. I've got a lot of time for the Marvel stuff that dips into like, it's like the what if things. And like, yeah, a kind of slightly different take on it. But as makes sense, right, with all of our ridiculous hypotheticals that we tend to huck back to, it kind of fills on brand. Yeah, no, I've never got round to reading it.

[00:04:20] But obviously, fantastic in Spider-Verse. And very much looking forward to seeing what this pans out like. If anything, if like the promo stuff that they've been doing in New York and whatnot is anything to go by, then I'm hoping very good. It's weird. You mentioned at the top Amazon Prime. I assumed it would be Disney, but I guess it's because it's a Sony thing because it's Spider-Verse? Exactly. Sony still own Spider-Man.

[00:04:50] Noir. Noir. Spider-Man Noir. Yeah, so it's all the rights to Spider-Man you need. I think like a degree in analytics or something like that. It makes no sense to me at all. Yeah. Because they've got the rights, but they loan Spider-Man to Marvel. Which is bizarre, isn't it? Loaning IP. Maybe someone could loan our IP.

[00:05:19] I mean, like, who would you want? Is there anyone you'd be happy owning our IP? Not owning. Loaning. Loaning. Okay. Yeah. I'd loan it out to the Unequal Sequel guys. You know, they'd fit perfectly. Yeah. Really confuse people. Really, really confuse people. Really confuse people. They're just doing a licensed podcast nobody asked for episode. I like it. Would we ask people to rebrand? Like, does every podcast nobody asked for have an Ian and Graham? Right. Yeah. I mean, it's like, I guess it's like the license.

[00:05:48] It's like a licensing or franchise model. Right. You know, you're opening up a Wendy's. You're serving square burgers. So weirdly, I was talking about licensing. And you realize that, you know, don't be pulling that Badgers Exist stuff. Yeah. No, exactly. Anyway, sorry. You were talking about licensing. So weirdly, I was talking, because me and my wife have a riveting relationship, I was talking about licensing earlier today, of how when you license a musical for production, sometimes

[00:06:16] the stipulations in them are really fucking weird. Mm-hmm. Because sometimes you'll do like a weird, so I think her example was like, let's do Sweeney Todd, but, you know, it's set in space, or it's set in Vegas, or it's set in, like, trying to mix things up to make them like fresh and hip and cool. Yeah, yeah. Some licensing agreements stop you doing that entirely, or specify, you can do what you want, but you have to have this at the end, and you have to do this, and you have to do that.

[00:06:45] So maybe we do, maybe we have a licensing thing, but we do just have really weird shit in there. That's where Billy Shakespeare's fallen down, hasn't he? Because the amount of different, the amount of different, like, interpretations of... Has to have a lion. Has to have a lion. But there's a lot of... You know what? I'm just going to own it, Graham. I'm not going to think too much about it, because now I'm in my head about pronouncing

[00:07:14] a word in the title of this episode, which I'm obviously going to be saying a lot. There's a lot of Marvel noir out there. So I think I've read the majority. So there's two Spider-Man ones. There's an X-Men one, which is really cool, because none of them have powers, and it's all, again, like, kind of like gangstery names, I think. There's a fantastic Daredevil one. There's a Deadpool pulp. Nice. So it's done like a 1950s pulp comic instead. And there's a really cool Iron Man one as well, where he's kind of like an Indiana

[00:07:43] Jones style, like adventure hero. But like you said, I just love kind of like putting a weird spin on shit, especially if that weird spin has got Nicolas Cage in. So I already think this could be one of my favourite TV shows. Nice. Appropriate. Detective Spin Case. Oh, wait, no. Sorry. We'll see what we did there. Yeah. God, I'm funny. Because I obviously knew. But also now it doesn't seem like I actually knew, given that I can't pronounce noir correctly.

[00:08:13] And it was at this point in the episode that Jimmy the Wise Guy Fly tried to get in on the act by landing on my microphone and took one look at him, crashed my hand down. Jimmy got away. But the microphone. But the microphone. That story wasn't so pretty.

[00:08:41] And really didn't help with Ian having to edit the rest of this episode. Damn you, Jimmy. me. I think you just turned your microphone off. Oh, man.

[00:09:08] Or, like, noticeably different. Oh, no. Yeah, you are now onto your... Again, thanks to the wonderful team at Riverside. But you're still on your internal microphone. You're back on the Yeti. We're back to Yeti. It's really annoying fly is really fucking off. Times like this could do with a Spiderman. A Spiderman. Let me just double-check. We're still going.

[00:09:38] There's a lot of background rumble now. I may have broken my mic. Do you want to just double-check, like, USB cables and shit? Yeah, it's all... I've plugged it back in. That's when it... Is it not nice now? It's not very nice, though. There's a lot of weird noise in the background. Oh, dear.

[00:10:01] Which, thanks to the wonderful platform that is Riverside, we can now probably pick up, which is quite good. Is that any better? No. Oh, man. Have you seriously broken your microphone trying to attack a fly? I think so. The best part was there was no noise at all. Oh, it cancelled that bit out?

[00:10:31] Yeah, yeah. So it cancelled, or I think because as you hit it, it broke. Yeah. Let's... Can you mimic what I sound like with your voice? It's like low-key static. Right. Constant. Constant. Hmm. Really screwed the pooch here, haven't I? Potentially. Potentially.

[00:11:03] Let's... Hmm. Hmm. Okay, right. Troubleshooting. Let's think this through. Okay. Um, have you accidentally pressed a button on the microphone that has turned it to a different setting? Is that any better? No. Okay. Right, we're back to that.

[00:11:34] Um... I can't seem to, like, do any... Maybe because we're already recording, I can't seem to, like, make any changes. Okay, what I'll do... Yeah. I'm going to stop recording. Okay. We can troubleshoot, and then we can get back into the room. Okay? Okay. All right. Shall I leave? Well, let's just... Let's just... I'm just going to stop.

[00:12:24] Hello. Uh... It's quite ironic, but that's the kind of lovable rogues we are. Anyway, back to the episode. And we're back in the room, without a buzz. Brilliant. Maybe it was just the fly. Potentially. Maybe you hit it with such force, it forced the fly into the microphone. It was Jeff... We Jeff Goldbloomed it. We Jeff Goldbloomed it. Jeff Goldbloom in the fly. Yeah. What song references that? I don't know.

[00:12:53] I was referencing the movie, The Fly. Gin Soak Boy by Divine Comedy. Oh, good song. Yeah, yeah. Jeff Goldbloom in the fly. Jeff Goldbloom in the fly. So who am I? And anyway, we're back. No more background rumbling, which is nice. Yeah. I'm not going to lie, that whole spate of affairs there has completely thrown me to where we were. Same. Spider-Man. We were back in Spider-Man. Detectives. Nicolas Cage. No more. Love that stuff. Yeah.

[00:13:23] You were talking about the Deadpool pulp and then a bit around the... Oh, and then you were talking about the licensing. We got into licensing, licensing the podcast out. And then you were talking about licensing Sweeney Todd in space. And then I tried to kill a fly. Then you tried to kill a fly. Cool. So, Nicolas Cage, Spider-Man. Yeah. 1930s, black and white stuff. It's cool.

[00:13:48] So, obviously, what we are doing is we are doing similar with other characters in film, which we always want to see done in a similar weird style. The interesting... So, the interesting thing for me... Correct. Why don't I say correct? Yeah. What is interesting for you? I think... I don't know how much film noir I've actually ever watched. I... What was the Rockstar game that was basically film noir?

[00:14:18] Oh, L.A. Noir. L.A. Noir. That was great. My favourite... That is my complete and entire experience of film noir. And it's not film noir because it's game noir. My favourite part of that game is... And if I'm doing this, it'll have to be one of our social things because it's a very, very visual comment. Yeah. So, I'm going to lie. Okay? I'm going to be... You're the detective played by that guy from Mad Men. No, not that one or that one or that one or that one or that one or that one or that one or the other one.

[00:14:48] Yeah. I've got my notepad. Tell me if I know anything. Huh? Do you mean ask you? Ask me if I know anything. Yeah. Sorry. Tell me if you... Tell me if you know anything. Yeah. Okay. Do you know anything, sir? No. It's just a lot of... Because obviously it's a fucking game. They have to make everything so big. Yeah. When it's a lie.

[00:15:17] It also does one of those wonderful things that games often do where Mass Effect was quite bad for it as well of you think a button is going to be a certain tone when you respond to a question. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where it's like, right, do you want to be... Do you want to threaten him? Do you want to tell him you think he's wrong? Or do you want to tell him he should think about it? It's like, okay, I'm going to tell him I should think about it.

[00:15:46] And you click it and then it's basically like, right, listen, cunt. It's like, whoa! That's not what I thought we were going for there, my friend. Yeah. But same. Oh, it really is. But I think it's such a distinctive genre. I've seen so much, so many, like, parodies of it. Like you said, both in game, film, TV, books, comics, that I really like. I really like it.

[00:16:16] But real, really, I don't think I've ever watched that much of it, which is insane. I would say most of what I've seen is probably like Simpsons episodes that parody it and things like that. And I think arguably you could kind of say that, like, Who Framed Roger Rabbit is a bit of a take on it as well. And I'd say that's probably the closest I've got to watching a film noir. Yeah. Because, like, there's a lot of stuff.

[00:16:46] There's a lot of things which kind of, like, I think are clearly inspired by it. So you've got, like, the classic archetypes of, like, hard-boiled detective, femme fatale, underworld fixes. And Sin City. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. But also things like, so I'm just searching, like, film noir films. Comes up with, like, so, like, Shutter Island, Taxi Driver, The Departed pops up on this list.

[00:17:15] You've then got things like Rear Window, Nocturnal Animals. So, like, a lot of, it's a big driving thing. But, like, the super stylized of what people imagine when they think of this, I don't think I've ever properly watched, which is fascinating. No, I agree. Because it does just seem fun. Like, I was contemplating trying to watch one before we recorded. But I didn't... Why?

[00:17:45] I can't remember. What did I do yesterday? What did I do yesterday? Oh, yes. Yesterday, I spent most of the day prepping a D&D campaign I ran today. So, that was my weekend, Graham, because I'm super cool. Wasn't a film noir... I should have made it a film noir one. Killed two femme fatales with two stones. Two stones? Two stones, yeah. Because you really want to be sure. Really want to be sure. Fair. What a strange thing for me to have said. This is what happens when I talk for too long.

[00:18:14] But, yeah, I mean, like, it's... It is cool. I like it. Like you said, a lot of the stuff I've done, I think everything I watch with any ounce of kind of, like, pop culture reference at some point will have done a pastiche of it. Nice words. Thanks. Can't say noir, but I can see pastiche. You can see it as well. Yeah, fuck me, man. Like, honestly, because I've...

[00:18:42] I have talked for so much today in a variety of voices. Which sounds like I'm going insane. Yeah. I have a few listeners out there. Let's have three of them. Go. I mean, one of them was just kind of like that. Oh, that's your go-to voice when you're just... This is my go-to one. It was a troll, and its name was a bad pun. Because all of them were bad puns of musical theatre characters. Because that's the kind of guy I am. Another one was basically exactly the same thing, just a bit higher.

[00:19:12] A little bit nasally. A little bit nasally. A little bit higher. And then I'll be honest, sometimes I just kind of rolled up my normal voice. Nice. You know, rock it out, you know, for... So that was when you were being a dwarf, right? That was when I was being a dwarf. There were a lot of dwarves. A lot of... I cannot... Did you have a pound off? There wasn't a pound off. I think there might be a pound off in our second playthrough. It was a city designed by famous dwarf explorers Rudgar and Hammerstone. Very pleased with that musical pun.

[00:19:39] And they found a secret city built by Sondhelm. I love me, Graham. I love me so much. Anyway, detectives. Detectives. Do we just get into it? Well, yes. You can't impose. Why not? I feel like there's so many... Because I've tried to base mine around tropes. So I don't want to talk too much about tropes now if we're going to be going through them anyway. Yeah. Mine are all just a bit odd. But, you know, why not? Yeah. I mean, let's be real. We're here because of Nicolas Cage. Like, as we say often... This is true.

[00:20:09] The intro's already gone on quite far. Because there's five minutes of you trying to fix your microphone in it. Which I'm going to have to keep in because it was funny. And part of it is... Also, the joke's on you, Harley. It's still working. So suck it. Yeah. Don't suck it. They'll probably break the microphone. To be fair. But, yeah. So, before we do that, Graham, it's a movie recommendation nobody asked for. And it's yours, you motherfucker. It is mine.

[00:20:35] I assume you guys are here for a movie recommendation. No, thank you. Nah. I'm fine. Nah. I'm fine. I'm alright, actually. Nah. I'm fine. It's alright. I'm fine. That's alright. Fuck off. And this is, again, why I wanted to hurry us along. Because this is a funny anecdote that really kind of, I think, shines a light on the problem. So, I thought, right. I am going to find a film noir film to recommend. Every time, man.

[00:21:06] A film. Now you say it. Film. Noir. Film for us to watch. Like bar. Noir like bar. Noir like bar. Not noir. Like far. You're saying it like... Jaguar. Cigar. Cigar. Noir. But there's lots of cigars in noirs. There's also a lot of bars in noir. Noirs. I can't even say it like that.

[00:21:37] Anyway. So, I tried to find a 1930s set detective movie for us to pick. So, I searched for... On Letterboxd. Sorry, not Letterboxd. On Rotten Tomatoes. There was a top 100 film noir list. Right. And had to look through. And I hadn't seen a single one of them. Brilliant.

[00:22:01] However, at 49 was a film from 1948 called Raw Deal. Which is about an escaped conduct played by Dennis O'Keefe. Who flees with his mole. Claire Trevor. Played by Claire Trevor. And a social worker played by Marsha Hunt that he loves. Funnily enough, this week I watched the 1986 film called Raw Deal. Which is an Arnie movie where he's disgracefully left the FBI. But then goes undercover with the mob or something.

[00:22:31] Nice. Which is the closest I've got to having watched a film in that list. Just because it was called the same thing. Raw Deal, I think, is also the last big Arnie film I hadn't watched. So, that's nice. I think I get a certificate now. Big as in budget? Big as in box office? Or big as in Arnie's triceps? Closer to the latter. Okay.

[00:22:59] Like heyday, like big, big, big Arnie pictures. Yeah. Before he kind of went a bit like straight to video-y. What's the end of days? That's great. Ah, what a soundtrack. What a soundtrack. Good old Rob Zombie and friends. I don't remember that. I don't remember Ross doing that. I don't remember me well, dude. Yeah, again, I've been talking so much, I can kind of do the Rob Zombie growl, which is great. Nice.

[00:23:28] I've not said this before, but I saw Rob Zombie download and he premiered his new movie. Not the full thing, but the trailer for it. What was it? It was the one that came after... Devil's Rejects? No, it was after that. Three from Hell? That one. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:23:52] I love the cojones of the idea of... So what's on the set list today, Rob? It's like, oh, cool. I'm just going to play a film. Yeah. Sorry? It's like, yeah, no. I'm going to come out, I'm going to press play on a VCR player and then we're just going to play Three from Hell, my new film. Just why not? It was 2019. It wasn't a VCR. Well, no, but you do it out of like, you know, you want to make a bit of a show of it, right? Right.

[00:24:20] I like to think it would be a comically giant, either Sleaford Mod style comically low key. Yeah. Or a giant like ACDC inflatable VCR that he walks out and presses. With a big VHS tape. Yeah. A whole lot of VCR. Nice. What does VHS stand for? Video system? Video home system. Video home system. Would it? No. Because it's the tape. What does VHS stand for? Let's have a look. Time for the Google jingle. Time to Google.

[00:24:52] VCR is video cassette recorder. Ah, makes sense. And VHS is video home system. Yeah. I was right. There you go. God. I haven't been right about a lot of things today, including how to formulate sentences. But I got one going for me. Nice. I watched The Long Walk yesterday. Not that you asked. Oh, what do you think of it? I do. It was better than I expected.

[00:25:22] Fuck. I can't remember the guy who's in it. It's Philip Seymour Hoffman's kid, right? Yeah. So, he's really good friends with James Gandolfini's son. Right. And apparently, they like to, very loudly around people, say that they don't like Nepo babies. And then when they get questioned about it, they say, yeah, well, our dads are dead, so it doesn't count. Fair play. I got a lot of time for that. I got a lot of time for that.

[00:25:48] I mean, technically true, because they're not doing a lot of heavy lifting from underground. Very true. Yeah. Anyway, if you're not watching Raw Deal or The Long Walk, any other movies that they could be watching? So, I was thinking, obviously, like they said, a detective is a big trope in these films.

[00:26:16] So, I thought, what is a film which really could have used a detective who was top of his game? And that is, of course, 2019's Ari Aster's Midsommar. Nice. Which, given it came out in 2019, I imagine it came out on VHS, right? Yeah, at download. Yeah, yeah. Rob Zombie did a double bill. So, it was Three from Hell and then Midsommar. Obviously, the awkward bit was having to rewind Three from Hell before he put Midsommar in, because obviously Rob Zombie is a care man.

[00:26:45] Careful man. It's a care man. This is going to be a long night of recording. It really is. Midsommar like noir? No. That's more like cigar. Yeah. No, Midsommar. Midsommar noir. If you're saying Midsommar rather than Midsommar. Midsommar. Midsommar. Midsommar. Man, we missed out on that. Anyway, it's time for us to figure out.

[00:27:15] Yes, it's time for us to figure out the Podcast OVR's official top three movie characters we would know. And the first choice. Yeah. Is yours. Thanks, sir.

[00:27:30] Obviously, this is in tribute to a movie coming out where Nicolas Cage is playing a noir-style detective that also happens to be Spider-Man. And it feels like it would be lazy to do something very similar.

[00:27:53] So, but there is, like you were talking about tropes and things earlier. You've got like the, there's the classic like shot through the window and you've got the blinds and like there's people in like the office buildings and things.

[00:28:14] And so, whilst this person is not necessarily a detective, I feel like their whole aesthetic in this movie could be transported to that of a film noir detective. He is searching for something the entire film. He is. This is true. And so, in this case, I'm going to go with Peter Lowe from Vampire's Kiss, which we are also technically seeing now. Oh, fuck. Yeah, we are, aren't we?

[00:28:43] So, if you're listening to this and you've got tickets for it, give me. Was the pun intended on in this case? No. Nice. I like it. I like it. And talking of, and without looking up, and don't look anything up, do you know what job Peter Lowe does? He, uh, he worked, they're a publisher? Yeah, they are a publisher.

[00:29:13] I don't know what his job there is. I know he spends the whole film trying to find a contract for like a short story author. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, he's a literary agent. A literary agent. Okay. Um, but proving my point that he could basically be any profession in this movie, and I think it would be better suited as a, uh, classic detective. You could tell me he was a detective and I would have believed you. Because like you said, like, he's got the, he has the blinds in his office.

[00:29:41] His office is very detective-y. Absolutely. He's just missing like the fedora. Um, he's got the, the, the, the kind of, um, female sidekick. She's less of a femme fatale and more someone that he just verbally abuses. Yeah. I, I mentioned, I mentioned this whenever we talk about Vampire's Kiss, but I feel like I, I owe it to any new listeners to say it.

[00:30:05] So, I have a ongoing tradition of, on my birthday watching a Nicolas Cage film. And on more than one occasion, I have invited people over to watch a Nicolas Cage film with me. Yeah. And there was a while ago. Oh, I know where this is going. Where, uh, had two different people bring Nicolas Cage themed birthday cakes. Um, without talking to each other. Um, which was nice. Um, and we watched Vampire's Kiss. Yes.

[00:30:31] And at the end of it, a friend of ours and his girlfriend nearly broke up, uh, because she hated it. And he loved it and found it really, really funny. And she couldn't comprehend that someone could like it that much. So, assumed he was taking the piss. And he was just like, no, no, I legitimately, I loved this film. It's incredible. Um, and it was great just watching that argument as they just kind of left the house. Yeah.

[00:31:01] And I back him a thousand percent because it's fantastic. Yeah. So, I think, um, like you say, you take the current story where he's hunting down the contract. You change that ever so slightly so he's hunting down the person. So, that's sorted. Literary agent to detective. Obviously, we make it black and white. But we crucially keep his insane descent into madness and believing that he's a vampire throughout the movie. So, yeah. Vampire's Noir Kiss.

[00:31:30] Vampire's Noir Kiss. I like that. Or something. We do have a interesting, and we can have a live, um, we don't have our version of a Pompidou section. No. Um, maybe just Nick the 3B and Salad one. Potentially. So, for a live, for a live admin meeting. Pompidou section. Yeah. Obviously, after. We do. Behind, peek behind the curtain's kind of our. Oh, we have a peek behind the curtain, but this is like an act. Oh, I guess. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Peek behind the curtain. Again, another, another. Another peek behind the curtain.

[00:32:01] Behind the curtain. Behind the curtain. Again. What's there? Obviously, we have, we have a social media rollout after every episode. Yes. Part of that is going through our individual picks. We never reveal the official top three, because that's a way to get people to listen to episodes. Um, that was my fourth voice. I'm saving that for the next session.

[00:32:25] Do we make noir versions of these films, like the poster of these films, as the social media thing? Yeah. Or just clips from the actual films? What do you think? What's our, what's our plan of attack going to be? Tough. I like, so for all of the others, I like the fact of using a, making a movie poster of a noir version of that movie.

[00:32:52] For Vampire's Kiss, it's so clippable that you kind of want to just have him shouting the alphabet at someone. I could just, just do it black and white. Black and white shouting the alphabet at someone. Yeah. A, B, C, D. It was like, it was like shouting the alphabet at a dame. Yeah. Yeah. And also the backdrop of New York lends itself perfectly to a film noir as well, doesn't it? It does. It really, really does.

[00:33:17] If you had to pick one other Nicolas Cage movie to noirify, what would it be? Ooh. That's surprisingly tough. Yeah. Yeah. I did have, so I threw this out to a couple of people because it was one of those choices which is so rich that I needed some help narrowing it down. And friend of the podcast, Ryan, did mention adaptation.

[00:33:46] Yeah. Okay. I like that. Because I think his way of approaching it was a film which an inner monologue would suit. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. You could full, have you even watched 8mm? No, but do you not recall that that's like the one Nicolas Cage movie my wife has seen? Yes. When we went to the Nicolas Cage all night and she was like, oh, do you think they'll be showing 8mm? I was like, I've never heard of this movie. Yeah. It's the one where he's hunting for snuff porn.

[00:34:15] Nothing says your wife. Like a film about hunting for somebody. No. That is, that is grayscale away from being film noir anyway. So I think that could be really, really good. Okay. Because also this is one of those choices where sometimes when we're doing things like this, sometimes when we're doing choices like this, it's kind of removing the other film from existence. Yeah. While this is a version of it. So we get both. Yes.

[00:34:45] Which is quite, quite nice. Yeah, I think 8mm would be my choice. Nice. What about you if you had to pick from the... I feel like Face Off. Actually, change my mind. G-Force, the one with guinea pigs. I feel like Face Off would work. Because I think he's a mole? Face Off would work. Yeah. Because that is literally with a detector. Yeah, no, true. That would work. And you would also get the... You have to take his face off, see? Yeah, you have to take his face off, see? I'll cast a try, see?

[00:35:14] It is. It is me, babe. Waterfall face. What I do like about Face... That's now actually my... Yeah, I agree. Face Off. Because you would also get the Nicolas Cage narration over John Travolta pretending to be Nicolas Cage. I like that. Yeah. Like, ah, God. It would just... It would... Ah, fuck. Yeah. Good shout, man. Good shout, my friend. But yeah, anyway. Vampire's Kiss. And or Face Off. My first choice.

[00:35:42] I've kind of gone through, like, the tropes of film the world. And because now if I say it back weirdly on purpose, I'm part of the joke. I'm not being laughed at. Detectives. Detectives, obviously, top of the list for this. Um, I... For two reasons, I didn't go for the obvious.

[00:36:09] Because one, uh, going for a superhero felt lazy, given that we're obviously riffing on Spider-Man. And two, you'd already picked a Batman. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Yeah. Um, I was thinking, what other detectives would I want to see, like, uh, hyper-stylized, gritty, serious version of? Um, and I thought... There's a lot out there. There's a lot of cool detectives, right? You've got your Sherlock's.

[00:36:38] You've got your Miss Marple's. You've got your... Yeah. ...that woman from Murder, She Writes. Angela Ansboury. You've got Dick Van Dyke and his kid when they were doctors, but solved murders. I thought, no. What I want to see is a... So, I'll tell you what I'm imagining, okay? So, I'll paint you a word picture for this. Okay. So, I'd want this to be kind of like Sin City style. So, you know, like very high contrast, black and white.

[00:37:08] You've got your Max Payne style voiceover to it, which is also, I would say, a film noir. Yeah. So, you've got your Max Payne style voiceover. And the only colour in the film is going to be the muted tones of a subtle Hawaiian shirt pattern under his detective jacket. And obviously, any animal that he sees. Because I want a film noir, Ace Ventura, a pet detective.

[00:37:39] I just... Like, one, it would work. Because like you said, he is a detective. There are cases. But I just think it would be funny. Like, I really like... Same with what we kind of said at the top. I really like weird takes on characters. And this has got to be the fucking weirdest. Like, play it almost completely. Like, you can still have like an unhinged detective. Right?

[00:38:05] And obviously, he's like, you know, the canary had been strangled. You know? Like, you could have his... Like, just talking in constant, like, pet metaphors and comparisons and things like that. Yeah, and all of the, like, really problematic stuff feels even more in time. Exactly. Because it's back in the 30s. It does feel like a 1930s twist to a film. Einhorn is Finkel.

[00:38:34] Finkel is Einhorn. And I just... I just... Again, I just like the... I think you could kind of, like, largely... I don't think we would have to change anything in any of the films. Apart from, obviously, like, the... You would keep, like, the plot and the... You'd keep the case. Obviously, he goes about it in a more serious detective way. With the occasional outburst of... You know, all these things have, like, high-strung detectives.

[00:39:03] And that kind of thing. So, obviously, the first film is him looking for a missing dolphin. Easy. Yes. However, question for you. Question for you. The Miami Dolphins were not founded until 1965. It would be another dolphin. So, it would have to be... Or, like, there was still a football team there, right? There was still American football. That's what that Leatherheads film was about.

[00:39:32] You know, when George Clooney made a screwball comedy? Yeah. And cast himself as an American football player? In the 30s? I... Yeah, okay. There were no NFL teams in Miami in 1930. The NFL wasn't founded until later. Was there... There was no... There were no football teams in Miami. Professional American football teams. Okay, all right. So, it would just have to be a rich guy with a dolphin that has gone missing. Okay.

[00:40:01] So, we will have to change the case a little bit. But he could still be looking for a dolphin. I don't... I still think you can have a film like this that is at its centre is a missing persons case. Well, a missing porpoise case. Yeah.

[00:40:43] Getting into a rich guy's party and finding that there's a shark underneath. Yeah. Still works. You can probably still... I mean, Courtney Cox kind of feels very film noir-y. You know, she's full femme fatale. Sorry, I think I might have said that too correctly. She's so femme fatale. Which, again, another trope. Another trope. But I just really like the idea of, again, just like the muted colours of a character who's absolutely insane. You can still have like the whole...

[00:41:13] The issue is now I've said Pompadour. So, Pompadour feels weird to say. But you can still have like the greased up hair, just not as over the top. The issue will be... Are you Elijah Wooding it? I'm going to need an explanation of what that means. Well, like in... Being really cool and I'd want to be friends with them. In Sin City, it's like his eyes are the only thing that's like of colour, right?

[00:41:40] Well, there's a lot of different things that are in colour in Sin City. Oh, no, sorry. Yellow bastarding it. Yellow, yeah. So, not as prominent. More like... Again, like very muted. So, there's a couple of when I think the blood will appear on people as red and things like that. So, just because I think it would be... I just really like the idea of tiling it down... Dialing it down that way. But still weirdly keeping it hyper-stylised.

[00:42:10] And still having him high-strung and a bit insane. Just in obviously a very, very different way. Yeah. Okay. And yeah, I don't think we've actually picked Ace Ventura on this before. I'm not sure that we have. I've not watched it since I was a kid. Either of them. I re-watched it over lockdown and realised that I had been quoting it for a very, very long time without realising it. Nice. Really? Like a glove. No.

[00:42:36] That's none of your business and I'd appreciate it if you stay out of my affairs is a quote from Ace Ventura. And I say that a lot. Did you keep getting the adverts on Instagram recently auctioning off the rhinos behind from Ace Ventura? Of course I did. Because we were on the same algorithm. They really thought I wanted to buy that. Did you though? No. Did you want to buy it? No.

[00:43:02] I mean, if I had the space, it's quite the talking point, isn't it? I'm going to be honest. Right? Again, like cars on the table. I feel like people appreciate it for our transparency and chemistry and me mispronouncing words. If you bought the rhino from Ace Ventura 2 and didn't immediately tell me, I would legitimately be furious.

[00:43:24] Like, I'm saying it like I'm joking, but I really, like, I think that is bitterness I would carry with me for, like, the rest of my life. Only if, the only way it would make sense, right, I agree. If I bought it and then just mentioned it offhand on podcast recording, you would be annoyed. However, if... Or if I just came to yours and it was just there. No, no. I didn't mention... But, like, I answer the door through the rhinos.

[00:43:52] Oh, then to quote another Jim Carrey movie, you've gone and totally redeemed yourself. There we go. But, yeah, no, if you won, because it meant you might have outbid me. Again. But, yeah, I just, like, I don't know, man. Like, don't get me... Look, I know, I know you're married. I know all of that. Like, I know I don't rank number one in everything anymore, Graham.

[00:44:20] But I feel like on the list of people you would tell that you bought the rhino from Ace Ventura 2 list, I would be quite... I would say top two. That's entirely fair, yeah. Although, and it's funny you mention that, because I have been chastised by my wife today because... And I quote, Well, you're spending your last evening before you go away with him, and then when you get back, you're spending a whole day with him. Yeah, because I'm great.

[00:44:50] Content. But, yeah, no, I don't know if we could do the sequel as much justice, because I don't know how there's a gritty way to crawl out of a fake rhino's arse. Okay, so from one sort of Disney-owned property to another Disney-owned property,

[00:45:16] I like the idea of Space Mark. Space Mark. So we're going Star Wars, and I'm going to go out on a limb here and say this would get commissioned, because they're commissioning everything in the Star Wars. I saw a... There was a graph of, like, hours of Star Wars per year, and you've got, like, the 70s, and it's all these tiny little bars, and then, like, the last five years are, like, kind of up here, because it's ridiculous. It's like Prime Ministers.

[00:45:47] Exactly. There is a strong correlation between Star Wars content and Prime Ministers. That is a joke that could age incredibly well. It could. Yeah, yeah. Although, although, I think now that Burnham... Just to go full rest is politics. Now that Burnham has thrown his hat in the ring, it's not going to happen anytime soon, because they need a by-election. And it also shows how gutless we're streeting is, because he knows he'll lose to Keir Starmer. Graham, Graham.

[00:46:16] Let's keep this for a podcast nobody else for pirates. Fair enough. Anyway, where was I? Depression pod. Ian and Graham talking about politics. Yeah, so anyway, Star Wars noir, which I think is kind of cool anyway. I'm sure there must be some kind of comic out there. But anyway, I like the idea of settling on less of the protagonist side,

[00:46:43] but more the antagonist side, and who better in the galaxy far, far away to settle on than the most prolific bounty hunter that we're aware of. So Boba Fett... Good old Boba Fett. ...would be a pretty damn cool noirification. Yeah! I think that would work. There's a lot of... So are we... How do you... Again, paint me a word picture of this. What's good old Boba looking like?

[00:47:11] So I'm thinking it's full-on, like, 1930s New York, but, like, really just subtle nods to the Star Wars characters. So, like, maybe his hat is a little bit like the helmet. Maybe the... This actually now thinking about it is quite problematic, but I was going to say maybe, like, the number plate on his car is Slave 1, but that's probably not ideal.

[00:47:40] It's the 1930s! But it is a nod to his spaceship. Yeah. I just think... Yeah, I think doing that, like, ever so slightly, you know, Jabba's in it, but he's just like a big fat mafia boss kind of thing. That's exactly what I was going to say. Like, I like this more as a door into the other characters he would... Yeah. Like, yeah, because that version of Jabba the Hutt, I can perfectly...

[00:48:09] Because, yeah, just massive fat guy. Yeah, it's like Kingpin, right? Basically. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, like chomping a cigar. Yeah. Has some kind of, like, bare-knuckle boxing ring underneath his penthouse suite that he drops people into. And the really big, ugly dude's going to be a Rancor. Exactly. Exactly. He's, like, Ian Rancor. I just went with Ian because you're in front of me and that's the first name that came to my head. Thanks, Matt.

[00:48:38] Not that you're a Rancor. You're more like... A... Jawa. Huttanu! Having a band in Jabba's penthouse. Yep. That perfectly makes sense. You could probably have it playing quite similar music. Yeah. Yeah, you could. Like, you could just...

[00:49:03] Even when you've got the weird special edition versions of it. Yeah. Also... So... Riverside audio quality is a lot better. Mm. You can hear the dog drinking. I was going to say, we haven't had a Bowie appearance for being able to hear a Bowie thing because Zoom sound cancelling has got so much better. Yeah, yeah. He's just helping himself to a big old drink. What a guy. Yeah. So, like, the song...

[00:49:31] Because the special editions one obviously added, like, extra... Like, basically a full-on musical number. Which, to be honest, again, feels genre appropriate. Yeah. Yeah, I think... And I guess it kind of works, right? Because Jabba the Hutt is clearly based on, like, a big fat mafia boss. But in space, we're just taking him back to New York. Which sounds like... I've just got... It's like a... What's the...

[00:50:01] What's his name? Escape. Is it Escape from L.A.? No. Yeah, Kurt Russell. Kurt Russell. Yeah, yeah. Back to New York just sounds like a sequel to one of those movies. Yeah. But, yeah. I just think it'd be fun, but, like, with really, really subtle little hints. I don't know how you do lightsabers, but maybe it would just be, like... Baseball band. Yeah, baseball band. But you kind of need the... One more time.

[00:50:32] I like it. That's very good. But maybe it's with, like, some, like, strip lights coming on, just in the motion. And that's just, like, a subtle nod to the lightsabers. Well, no, because you can... I don't know if they... We can use a bit of poetic license, right? Yeah. So, um... And this is a weird but on-brand person to bring up.

[00:50:58] My dad used to show me... So the police at one point had... It was like a telescopic retractable truncheon. I remember those. Yeah, yeah. So it's just so happening. You basically hit it on your leg and this massive, like, metal bar comes out with a ball bearing on the end. Yeah, yeah. So you could definitely have, like, a retractable kind of thing. Yeah, this is true. But definitely ways we could get in there. The motifs are there. The nods to Star Wars are there. Maybe it lends itself to a comic a little bit more than a full-on show, but...

[00:51:28] I'm surprised. Like you said, I'm surprised it hasn't been done. Yeah, especially because there's a tranche of Star Wars comics. There's a trench in Star Wars. Nice. That was a Death Star Trench joke for you. Nice. Well done. Thanks. I like it. It wouldn't surprise me to be fair if you called it the Death Star Trench. Yeah. Well, that's how the housing crisis, the mortgage crisis happened in Star Wars. That was all the economic stuff

[00:51:58] from before The Phantom Menace. It was Death Star Trenches on Trenches on Death Star Trenches. So you have these AAA Death Star Trenches, right? And here's Princess Leia in a bubble bath to explain. Oh, you just don't want a subprime Death Star. That's what you want. Oh, exactly. Exactly. I mean, if anything, it was, which is how they got to blow it up so easily. Subprime Beskar loans. Fucking hell. Do you know how many Bothan spies died

[00:52:27] to get us that information? God, I know it's... This isn't exactly a hot take. Yeah. Star Wars is fucking good, isn't it? Star Wars is great. You hearing that, Franks, from Tales from Wales? Star Wars is good. Do you think he's seen any yet? Probably not. I don't know. I don't know. If he had, by the time we go out with them in Cardiff, if he's not seen any,

[00:52:55] I'm going to put my phone in front of him with A New Hope on it, and he's not allowed to talk to us until he's finished it. I mean, I think that's fair. I am also fairly sure they are going to drag us to Toast Place. So just having a look, I think they're going to drag us to a place that opens at 10.30pm. That's horrible. Metro's in Cardiff. Is this the place that serves toast? I think so. I think so.

[00:53:25] Right. We're going to go to your choice, and I'm going to let the dog out because you can probably hear him. He's going... And my choice. So, like I said, we're just moving through the tropes. So, number one, Detective. Number two, Vuffen Fatale. So, this is, again, an awful lot of people to pick from.

[00:53:55] I considered Furiosa from Mad Bats Fury Road, but I knew you were recording this quite late after I spent all day talking. I didn't want to fight with you, Grime, if I'm being honest. So, I tried to think of someone... So, the whole thing with Vuffen Fatale is... So, they are... They're the dame. They are the broad who turn up at the beginning, give the case. You know they're more involved than they think they are. And generally, they're using their beauty and charm to manipulate men towards some kind of destructive end.

[00:54:24] So, I thought, hmm, who's a character who uses their beauty and charm? But then I thought, to put a bit of a spin on it, not in a... necessarily a negative way, but in a way that is really optimistic. Because I like the idea of putting a wholesome character like that into a world where everything is fucked and see how that kind of survives and battles through. I think it's an interesting comment, right? So, for me... And there is a murder case

[00:54:53] that she is involved with in this film. This is Elle Woods from Legally Blonde. If you know anyone who doesn't like Legally Blonde, cut them out of your life. It's an incredible film and they're clearly a wanker. Never seen it. Really? Yeah. You should. I'm sure I should. That's the end of that. It's very funny. It's got a lot of good things to say. Reese Witherspoon's in it. What more could he want? Why's she in it with a spoon? A classic. Classic joke. Yeah. Better cut her a human. Yeah. Spork would probably be better.

[00:55:23] Reese Witherspoon. Spork. Reese Witherspoon. Witherspoon. So, yeah. Maybe a knife. Are we just listing chopsticks? Well, you never hear of a Swiss Army spoon, do you? With a ladle? Yeah, but now you're being silly in because that's not cutlery, is it? That's more of a utensil. It depends how big you are. Does it? Because what is cutlery?

[00:55:49] Cutlery is a subsection of utensils that you use for eating food. But when does cutlery become a measuring device? Because a teaspoon can be both. Yes and no. Because a teaspoon itself that you would use to stir tea, you could not reliably get a teaspoon's worth of something on a teaspoon. You would need a teaspoon measure. But then why is a teaspoon a spoon?

[00:56:17] A ladle's just a big, big, big, big teaspoon. It's still a spoon. So where's the line for you from where a spoon is no longer cutlery and it is an implement? Because a ladle is clearly not a spoon. It is a spoon. It's not a spoon. It's more akin to a bowl than a spoon. Okay, so... Because the depth of a spoon is a lot more shallow than the depth of a ladle. A ladle is more akin to a bowl.

[00:56:44] I mean, so is it a depth issue or is it an angle issue? Both. So if it was a small spoon in length, but the spoon bit of the spoon was deeper, would you say that's a shit ladle or a deep spoon? That would be a deep spoon and probably more akin to a measuring spoon, the type of thing that you would use to actually find out a teaspoon.

[00:57:13] So you would still not call that cutlery? No, that would not be cutlery. But it would be cutlery... Because you wouldn't use it for cutlery because it wouldn't be functional. Sometimes I would eat soup quickly and a deep spoon would help eat soup quickly. The quickest way to eat soup quickly, it would just drink it out of the bowl. I mean that... And it's not. I don't think it is necessarily quicker because you might get a crouton. I'm stuck in the bowl. If you're looking to drink soup, you put it in a mug. A cup of soup, if you will. Okay, interesting.

[00:57:41] I mean, I would say a ladle, the issue is the 90 degree angle between handle and bucket. A bucket, right. Well, I think if it was a 90 degree or a flat, sorry, 180, just a line, I think that would be closer to a spoon. Okay. And the good thing is, is what we have just done here is a really good interpretation of defining something, as you may do it, a courtroom to prove a case.

[00:58:12] God, you're good. God, you're good. But yeah, so I like the idea that Elle Wood's... Elle Wood what? Elle Wood work in this type of film because she is sunny, tenacious and completely weaponizes people's underestimations of who she is and what she's doing, which is what Legally Blonde does in a very comedic kind of way. And what this film can do in a bit more...

[00:58:41] I still think... I just really like the idea of an optimistic character in a film like this. Like, it just puts a little bit of a different spin on what's going on. I said spin, not spoon, in case you were getting worried. So it's ever so slightly comedic-ish in the juxtaposition with the style. So what you're saying is rather than a noir, it's more of a noir. Nice.

[00:59:11] Nice. God, you pronounce that weirdly. But yeah, so again, I really like the idea of seeing what this world does to an optimistic character. Like, whether that survives, again, a court case or going through all of these things. And then again, being able to completely have people just seeing her as an attractive blonde lawyer and completely underestimating how intelligent she is. So I think there's a lot there.

[00:59:41] I think it works. And yeah, Legally Blonde Noir. Legally Noir. Noir or Blonde. One of those. And final choice, Graham. And one I'm very excited to hear about. So, I won't lie. This started with... Wouldn't it be funny to put Godzilla in like a fedora and having to solve crimes? But then I was thinking a little bit more deeply about this.

[01:00:09] So Godzilla is the name of the game or the movie. And obviously, the original Godzilla and a lot of the tellings of Godzilla have all been about like post-World War II Japan and the impact of the atomic bombs. And it's meant to be an allegory and all of that kind of stuff. Really, really interesting. Probably best seen in Godzilla minus one, as we've spoken about many times.

[01:00:38] Obviously, if we set this in the 1930s, World War II hasn't happened. How do you bring Godzilla into that kind of world? How do I raise my hand on Riverside? So I'm interested in flipping the script. And rather than Godzilla being the weapon that is destroying Japan, actually Japan are weaponizing Godzilla. And it's all part of like the war with China and the Manchurian situation and everything.

[01:01:05] And yeah, Godzilla is the weapon that Japan are harnessing. And it all goes a bit wrong because we know that it didn't necessarily work out for the Japanese back then. And yeah, I thought it'd be quite fun. I thought we were going Great Depression. Wall Street Crash, Dust Bowl, all that kind of stuff. But yeah, fuck it. A lot of shit stuff happened around the globe at that time.

[01:01:34] Yeah, pretty much. Is he... So... Go on. The Noori aspect. Noori. Noori. Yeah. Aspect of it. Is it just that he's wearing a fedora? That was where we were initially. That was your gateway. Okay. When Graham was being a twat.

[01:01:56] And then Graham thought about it some more and did a bit of research and thought, no, actually, we're just going to set it in like Noori times, which is sort of 30s-ish. And we're going to focus on it rather than it being something that has attacked and destroyed Japan. Japan have weaponized it and used it to attack and destroy China as part of the war there. Obviously, you've got the Great Depression. Obviously, you've got the Great Depression as well, as you mentioned.

[01:02:26] Yeah, I think that. And then also, you can kind of leave it a little bit open where he goes back into the ocean at the end. And then it leaves it nice and open for the 50s version. I do like the idea of... Because Cloverfield kind of did this.

[01:02:49] Just kind of having that on in the background, but following a very traditional film noir plot during it. So again, like, war's breaking out. Someone's gone missing. And detectives trying to figure out what's happening. And just in the background, like, in the way that something like this would happen during, like, an earthquake or something like that. And Godzilla's just fucking shit up around him while he's trying to go about and handle shit. But I like it.

[01:03:19] And I'm not going to lie to you. I am imagining him in a fedora. Yeah, I mean, it's hard to get past, isn't it? It is. How big would the fedora be? The obvious question. Probably, if we go back to our old cloaca maths, you could probably extrapolate out from there. I'm assuming there's probably a standard ratio between cloaca and head circumference. So you just...

[01:03:47] You just... Is there a relationship between cloaca size and head circumference? Please show as a formula reptile specific. Because it's like... Jesus Christ. Sorry, sorry. I love AI.

[01:04:14] There is no single universal reptile formula that directly links cloaca size to head circumference. Across all species. So where C is cloaca diameter, width or vent size, H is head circumference, A is species specific constant, and B is allometric scaling component.

[01:04:40] The relationship is typically C equals AH to the power of B. And then there's a logarithmic form, but I don't know what that means. A rough scaling looks like C should be about 0.12H to the power of 0.78. Nice. But it's like how the bladder urethra ratio in mammals is broadly the same across all.

[01:05:06] So every mammal will take roughly about 21 seconds to empty their bladder regardless of size. Exactly. And most animals have the same number of vertebrae, I believe. They do. Giraffes and humans are the same. Exactly. Oh, a giraffe wearing a trilby. That'll be fun. Anyway, that went a lot more lighthearted than I thought it would. Not good or not. Final choice. Yep. And this was down to two, so I might need you to choose your own adventure for it, but I definitely have a preference.

[01:05:37] These were two of my favourite ideas, but I couldn't pick both of them. So the actual choice I've gone for is, so this is the story of a mobster who betrays his gang. So he dobs them into either the police or a rival gang or whatever, and ends up having to go on the run.

[01:06:00] So ends up hiding out in a restaurant where, unbeknownst to the people working there, he starts fucking around with the food and ends up helping the restaurant win whatever the New York 1930s equivalent of a Michelin star would be. So this is obviously the tale of Remy the rat and Ratatouille, mainly because Remy the rat sounds like a gangster name.

[01:06:30] And I just really like the idea of a mobster on the run hiding out in a restaurant. I think there's a lot of weird and wonderful shit you could do there. And I mean, you know... Just FYI, 1930s Michelin star would have been a Michelin star. Oh, interesting. I didn't realise they were that old. I thought it was... Oh, interesting. I would have said 1950s if I had to guess, but luckily I did not.

[01:06:57] You know why they're associated with Michelin. You'll wear out tyres if you drive to restaurants, right? Yeah. What a guy. Clever, clever marketing. It did take me a while to realise it was the same, because you wouldn't think of that, right? So there's got to be another Michelin. There's got to be like a French chef or something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That started this company. Same with like, it took me a while to think Guinness World Records is Guinness.

[01:07:22] Yeah, that was all from like the idea, similar actually, to how this podcast started in a sense that it was all about like things you'd argue over in the pub. So it was like, you know, the argument would be, you know, who the tallest man is. And then if you have the Guinness Book of World Records that's branded as Guinness, that's going to be in the pub, then you can go to that to get your answer whilst you're having a debate. Exactly. Because it was the pre-internet. Oh yeah, the internet fucked them, didn't it? Yeah.

[01:07:52] So do you remember the TV show? Record Breakers. I'm sure it was just Guinness World Records had a TV show at one point. Oh no, I remember the Record Breakers on like BBC One or whatever. Yeah, just people trying to eat as many crackers as they could. Probably same thing. Let's be real. This sounds like the same type of show. So, yeah. First time I became aware of lung cancer. From a record? Well, the guy, Roy Castle, used to present Record Breakers. Oh, okay.

[01:08:22] I thought someone was going for a really bleak record on it. No, no. Because he died from lung cancer, but it was like from passive smoking because he never smoked was a thing in his life. And it was one of the big things that was part of the debate around smoking in pubs and things. Did he? I'm not going to say that because if I'm wrong, I'm going to sound like, sound insane. Right. I went to quote a number of 90s TV shows there from Brass Eye through to Alan Bartredge and then have just gone for insane because I think the other two don't paint me in a particularly good light. Right.

[01:08:53] So, Remy the Rat. The obvious tangent or the obvious untangent is actually going back to the subject. Yeah, I just think I like the idea of taking a plot which is for kids and just turning it into something fucked up like that. The alternative was a fisherman in the docks trying to find his disabled son who's been abducted. Right. Which is the plot of Finding Nemo. Yeah.

[01:09:22] But I can't do both. And Remy the Rat, I think, is a closer approximation to the genre than Marlin. Have you worked out that Remy the Rat is a punk? Not again. No, it isn't. I just thought I could pitch you at once. Jesus Christ, don't do that again. I like how it's got to the point where I don't assume that's a joke. Like, my choice is either Graham's lying to me or I'm stupid.

[01:09:52] And immediately my brain goes to, well, you've obviously missed something else. Yeah. It's okay. That nearly, that, my brain stopped working there. It's just, I'm still, like, even now you've told me you were lying. Like, part of my brain is still going like, Rem, Rem, Rem, Remuel? Remuel? Maybe it was short for something and the pun's actually on that. Because I'm now, I'm now, I'm now concerned that at the end of the episode you go, ah,

[01:10:21] it is a pun. And then I've been double done. And no one wants to be double done. No one wants to be done, let alone double done. Triple done. That's more on you than me. This is very true. Although I'm an easy target by that point. The thing is, um, most, the amount of people that think Remi's name is Ratatouille. That really annoys me. Uh, yes. Yes. That is annoying. Um, Ratatouille is a pun. It is.

[01:10:51] Did you get that? Yeah. Because it's got rat in it. But he also makes Ratatouille. Um, but yeah, again, I'm not going to lie. This choice comes down entirely to Remi the Rat. I do think there is a film there and it kind of just makes me, it just makes me, I just laugh. Because I'm a simple man, Graham. I'm a simple man who can't pronounce noir. Is there any elements of Remi noir controlling anyone by putting their hair? Um, I think there will be a lighthearted reference to it. Okay.

[01:11:21] Um, but I believe. So he's getting like, he's getting, um, uh, some information out of, uh, like mobster by like yanking their hair or something like that. Yeah. Or even just like, kind of like just sneaking up behind them and just like, don't do it like that. Do it like this. Um, yeah, I think we could play with it a little bit, right? We could play with it a little bit. Yeah. And then, you know, and obviously there's less health code violations this way. This is true. Yeah. Until the shootout at the end.

[01:11:51] Actually, it wouldn't be a shootout at the end. I like to think what will happen is instead of the food critic at the end having a flashback to his childhood and becoming a better person, the mob boss has that happen to him. Yeah. Who is also Jabba the Hutt. Who's also, and that's how, that's how we tie them. Yeah. Exactly. And then Elwood's just the lawyer who, um. Gets Jabba off. Yeah. Brings the restaurant down. Are you laughing at Jabba off? No, I'm laughing at the idea of Elwood getting Jabba off. Ah, I'm with you.

[01:12:21] I'm with you. Yeah. That's, uh. That's a visual. Yeah. A slug tug. So those were our choices. They were. It's time, it's time for us to figure out our top three movie characters we would know. Yeah. Yeah.

[01:12:50] But first, the top three of our threes. Out of your choices, Graham. Yeah. How would you rank them? What is the top three? Of your three. Three. Two.

[01:13:36] Um. The universe. But with all these really subtle nods is just much more fun. And I think Boba Fett is the right character. But like you say, there's lots of other kind of, um, set pieces and characters you can bring in very much like the Jabba mob boss situation that makes it, um. Sorry. No, no, I'm still laughing at slug tug. And part of my, again, the voice at the back of my head, which was, what is the pun around

[01:14:06] Remy the rat? Yeah. Is now just going, what rhymes with hut? Hut smart. Hut smart. Nice. Nice. I like it. So technically a slug tug is hut smart. That is. Yeah. Yeah. The best I could do is a hand jobber, but that doesn't quite work. Um. Anyway. Gives him L wood. Have you seen, um, the guy, the guy from the bear? There's many guys in the bear. The bear. Bear.

[01:14:37] Jeremy Allen. From the point. Jeremy Allen white. Yes. Um, is playing like Jabba the Hutt's son in the Mandalorian movie. Interesting. But Jabba the Hutt's, Jabba the Hutt's son is jacked. Jacked to hut? Jacked to the hut. So it turns out. Which is what L Wood did. Yeah. Nice. Nice. Um, so it turns out Jabba the Hutt is also, like, not all huts are just fat slugs.

[01:15:05] He's just, he's just a fat hut. But, yeah. Jeremy Allen White plays a ripped hut. A ripped hut. Ripped hut, yeah. Um, he is, and to bring him back to Remy, famously known as a rap man. It's like the whole thing is like the aesthetic of, like, Jeremy Allen White and, um, Barry Keoghan and, like, others. Like, they're known as, is it rap men or rap boys or something? Like, that's, like, meant to be the, like, hot thing.

[01:15:34] I'm not, I'm not, I'm not gonna lie, man. Like, this sounds like you're, you, you've dove into a sexual community or fetish that I'm not aware of. Jeremy Allen White, rap boy, is, like, the third thing that comes up. Because you've searched for it so much. Oh, rodent men. That's what it is. Not rap boy. Right, if I search for... Hot Rodent Boyfriends as L.com. The association of actors who are generally a rap boy or a hot rodent boyfriend originates from a popular 2024 internet trend.

[01:16:03] And you can explore origins of this phenomenon in articles from the Guardian and the New York Times. So, suck it. Fair enough. Includes Timothee Chalamet. Timothee Chalamet is a rap boy. Um, the, uh, lad from, um... Rackpot! Rackpot. Um, who's the other one? Um, he's, he's, he's in Star Wars. Uh, Kylo Ren, that one. Oh, Adam Driver.

[01:16:33] Adam Driver. Uh, Richard Gere. Oh, wait, no, that was, that was a gerbil. Nice. Thank you. Nice. You know who apparently... Don't know why my voice went so high. We talked about it in the podcast. Sylvester Stallone started that at Elton John's party because Richard Gere hit on Princess Diana. Hey, really? Yeah, something mad like that. Fair enough. Um... What a world we live in. Notable examples. Um, Mike Face, don't know who that is.

[01:17:03] Josh O'Connor, don't know who that is. Jeremy Allen White, Barry Keoghan, Timothy Chalamet. Mike Ratface. And, yeah, and Matty Healy, who I believe is in a band? Uh, yeah, he's in the 1975... His mum's a loose woman. That's not something you should say about a man's mother that you've ever met. That's fair. That's really inappropriate. That's fair. And I just don't think you should start talking about the sexual proclivities of Matty Healy's mother. I'm calling her a loose woman. Um...

[01:17:31] To show how different we are as people, whenever I search rat men, it just comes up with Warhammer. Because of the Skaven, who are rat men. So, we live in, uh, similar but adjacent circles, apparently. That's fair enough. Anyway, um, that was meant to be my top three of my three. Now it's the top three of your three. Godzilla, Peter Lowe, Boba Fett, honourable mention to rat men everywhere. Imprecisely. Mine?

[01:18:00] Slightly, weirdly, difficult choice. Of course, um, I want to put Elwood's number one, because that is actually something I quite want to, uh, but do I? I don't know. Um, I'm going to go, uh, mm, uh, Remy the rat is such a good pun. Well, not a pun. It just works. It just works. You're so in your head about puns. It's a big pun. Um, okay, I'm going to go Ace Ventura at three. Yeah. It would work.

[01:18:29] I would still want to watch it. I like the idea of a detective in a field of art like this, who's in a monologue, who's just talking about animals. Two. Elwood's. Remy the rat. I'm going to Remy the rat two. It's a good name. I don't think there is as much to the idea. And it basically comes down to a punchline that Remy the rat sounds like a mob boss. But I think that is enough that there is something there. And number one, I'm doing Elwood's because I think there is actually quite an interesting thing that film could say about optimism and the world grinding you down.

[01:18:58] And as you said, that's something that's top of mind for everyone right now. So those are my choices. What about the podcast? Nobody else falls official top three. What are you feeling? What am I feeling? Remy the rat is less of a mob boss and more of like the, the guy who's like in the. Well, he's not. No, that's fair. He's not a mob boss. He's a rat. Yeah. Because he's dubbed him in. So he's Remy the rat. Yeah. Yeah. Um. Voiced by Patton Oswald, who's not a ratman. He's, he's not. He's definitely not.

[01:19:27] He's a bit squidgier than a ratman. Squidgier than a ratman. Guinea, guinea pig. Yeah. We're just inventing things now. I would, I would say Patton Oswald is, yeah, probably if I was to equate him to any rodent, it would probably be a guinea pig. Steve Buscemi, naked roll mat. Naked mole rat. Not a, not a naked roll mat because that doesn't make sense. But I, that was a spoonerism there, Ian.

[01:19:54] And, uh, I was literally told today that if we wanted our podcast to become more successful, we should try to tap into the bear community. Well, we've already mentioned Jeremy Allen White, so. And everything ties together. Full circle. But enough about that. What about our fucking top three? What we're thinking. Bobby F. I think, um. Go Bob the Fett.

[01:20:24] Number one for me. Fucking like that idea. But again, it is more for Jabba the Hutt. Yeah, but he's tangential, isn't he? Bob the Fett and friends. Because you couldn't, you couldn't do it with Jabba the Hutt being the main character. No, that's true. That is true. Yeah, and then I guess, you know, I guess, uh. I don't know, man. Do you know what? It's tough. Rat man. Rat man. I'm, yeah, I'm just, I'm just equating other, other actors and rodents.

[01:20:52] I think Keanu Reeves is a vole, but like specifically a water vole. Um, I'm just going to Google water vole. So specifically a water vole. Yeah. It does have a bit of Keanu Reeves energy to it, you know? Yeah. Just like nicest. Nah, nah. Keanu Reeves is a capybara. No, he's, that's, capybara's too chunky. No, but he's got quite a narrow face if you're looking, if you look at capybara dead on.

[01:21:21] I think it looks more like. Which you should never do. You should never do. That's where the plague comes from. It is. Yeah, yeah. Um, Chris Pratt before he was a prat. Potentially, yeah. Potentially. Top three. Now he's, now he's more of a cunt. Anyway, we're getting distracted, Greg. We are both clearly fucking delusional at this point.

[01:21:46] This isn't, by our terms, this is a fucking sprightly sprint of an episode. Well, you say that, it was half an hour before we had to. It was like, it was less than half an hour. Okay. Fair point. Okay. How much of that was usable? We don't know. Who knows? It's a waiting game right now. Let's get this done. We're near at the end. It's all right. Bobby the Fett one. Bobby the Fett one. Robert Fett. Robert Fett. Robert Fett. Robert Fettison. Um. Roberto Fettison.

[01:22:17] I always thought Ratatouille, before seeing Ratatouille, I always assumed that Ratatouille was a type of pasta. Just sounds like it. I think that's fair. I think that's fair. We're getting distracted at the end now. Right? To be fair, that was on me. That was on me. Number one, Boba Fett. Boba Fett. Number one, Boba Fett. Um. Two. Are we going Optimism? Or Dobbing in your gang? Hang on, cooking food. Um. I'm just visualising.

[01:22:47] I see. Maybe it's because I think there are maybe some black and white scenes in Ratatouille. I believe there are. Um. We'll go Ratatouille. I think. Let me the Ratatouille. And then it's Peter Lowe versus Earl Wood. Um. For three. We'll have a bit of Optimism. Um. Optimism. Even though. Uh. Screaming. Uh. Screaming the Alphabet has a place in every genre.

[01:23:17] Every film. Okay. Right. I like it. I like it. So. The Podcast NVR's official top three films. Uh. Movie characters. We would. Noir. Noir. At number three. We have Elwoods. At number two. We have Robbie the Rat. At number one. We have Boba Fett. Uh. If you agree with our choices. If you disagree with our choices. If there are any other movie characters you would know. Noir. Find us on Instagram. Threads. Blue Sky. All of that. At the Podcast NVR's. For links.

[01:23:47] Uh. In the episode notes. Yeah. Um. Patron. Uh. Patron is a place where you can pay for this brilliant content. Um. I reckon we'll probably do a. A Ratman episode on Patron now. Just because. Just for the. Quite not. Just for the hell of it. You've had a preview. You know. It's. It's the classic. It's the classic drug dealer. Um. You know. Give you a little taste. You gotta come pay for it if you want it. If you are a Ratman.

[01:24:16] Or know any Ratman. Please get them to reach out to us. Yeah. Um. But yeah. Patron is great. There's loads of extra bonus content. Um. There is. Uh. Merch. Um. Fuck it. We might do some more live shows. First opportunity to buy tickets if you're a Patron. Because. That's the thing that they do. Isn't it? When they've got Patrons. Like. Let's be honest. If you're a top tier Patron. We'll just flat out send you like a guest link to it. Yeah. Like. I'm willing to. Again. Another.

[01:24:45] Another pick by the curtain there. Which I just said in the tone of the theme. That was weird. Didn't like that. That. That was odd. That's okay. Um. Lean into it. Uh. I think that's something we should do. Uh. And wherever you're listening to this. Please leave a review. And in your review. But any episode. Any future episode ideas you may have. We'll try and do our favourite ones. So that's that. Grant. Yeah. That's. I didn't have a closing narration. No. Benedict Cumberbatch. Stoked.

[01:25:09] No one asked for this. This podcast is part of Podomity. The UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit Podomity.com.