The Slammer

[00:00:00] Hello, Thots TV here. We just wanted to let you know that we have a live show coming up at the Phoenix Arts Club in Soho on the 20th of May. It's called Thots TV Aged Like Milk and we will be deciding which beloved shows from your childhood still hold up and which ones maybe don't. If you think woke culture has gone too far, you probably don't remember the 2000s well enough. If you have never seen us live before, it's always a super fun night. It's a little different to listening to the podcast on your headphones because we're all together in the same room. And our listeners are the best, so why wouldn't you want to meet more of them?

[00:00:29] You can get your tickets at AEG. The link is in our bio, on our social media and in our show notes. And we would love to see you there in May. Enjoy the episode. This content contains podcasts. This adult contains content. Adult content be advised. Enjoy the episode.

[00:00:56] And you're like, oh, tasty paste, tasty paste, tasty paste and a potato. That's it.

[00:01:26] Yeah, it's nice to do this during the day. Yeah, it is. I quite like it. Civilized. We've been having some awful days. We're right in the middle of the weird hail shit going on. Yeah, it's weird. Yeah, I could do without it hailing while we're recording. I was concerned about this, actually. Were you actually? The feedback you're hearing maybe is a storm moving. Yeah, I'm hearing a lot more feedback this recording session. It could just be, you know, maybe I'm developing the hum. Yeah, well... She can hear the sun now.

[00:01:58] God, the sun would be so loud. What would the sun speak like if... Because I'm like... Like that. That was so unpleasant. I was just going to say it screams. I just imagine like, I'm the fucking sun! I'm the sun! When you hear dogs barking and you're like, what are you going to... Are you just saying, I'm a dog?

[00:02:29] I'm a dog! Are you? Do you just go around constantly going, I'm a human? No, but I do go around going, I'm Meg. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You do. Yeah, you do. Right, We're Thots TV. That's Meg. I'm Elsie. Laura's yawning. Anyway, that's Laura. She's just woken up. I mean, yes. That's true. And we are the podcast that reviews kids TV from the past, but it is not for kids.

[00:02:58] And that is how I describe this podcast to every new co-worker I have. Do you know what you sounded like just then? No. Some people think that we are twins. But we are not. That's from Bamzuki. Go listen to Bamzuki. Yeah, it's a good episode, Bamzuki. We also have a Patreon with lots of fun bonus episodes. There's one out right now, which is Meg and I's review of the Magic Faraway Tree movie. There's lots of fun things on there.

[00:03:27] And if you like the show, you probably will like that. And just as a little favour to us, you can also rate and review and leave comments and stuff. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you for agreeing with me. Because it is all true. That's true. That's true. What have we been up to then? We watched the final episode of Good Amens last night. It was funny because I went into Laura's room last night and she reminded me of it.

[00:03:56] But what she said was, we need to watch Good Amens. Good Amens. Good Amens. I feel that potentially because my Australian inclinations and my accent amuse you both so much, my brain is going, that's a good thing. Do that more. And it's just making my accent, I don't know about worse, but less actually anything that I should be sounding like, if that makes sense.

[00:04:23] It was unfortunately disappointing. Oh, yes. I was so just angry, really. Just, just, just upset. It's just, this keeps happening. We all know why this has happened. We all know why it was just a one episode special. We don't need to go into it. Yeah. But it really boiled a potentially six to eight episode series into 94 minutes.

[00:04:53] Here's four people talking in a room. Here's four people talking in a room. Here's four people talking on the street. Oh, here's two people talking in a room. I could. For 94 minutes. I could tell like which bits were supposed to be their own episode. Yeah. It very clearly was like, okay, we storyboarded for a whole season. They come in and they go, we're only giving you 90 minutes. And instead of then changing things significantly, they just went, right, we'll boil it all down to the essentials, which works in cooking, but not so much in film.

[00:05:22] Like just. That's so stupid. Yeah. I didn't think it was funny. Meg didn't. Yeah, Meg didn't. Just make a fucking joke about oil rig next. No, it was just like, if you didn't have the time to do this properly, don't be precious about it. Cut it out to make the actual end product better.

[00:05:51] And it was also so fan servicey in a way that was not satisfying. It was, it was, I really feel for the person who did an entire pitch deck storyboard proposal for an entire series that got a 90 minute episode out of it. Because that would absolutely gut me to the core. Yeah, it was so upsetting. The ending was like, they've gone onto a fan fiction website, read a few and gone, yeah, that'll do.

[00:06:20] Yeah, literally. Yeah, and it's not, I mean, I get it like, oh, something's bad, bad has happened with one of the creators. We don't have a full series anymore. And we want to give you some, give, I guess, give the fans something back. It's kind of how it felt. I mean, it ended on a cliff, I guess they had to do something. Yeah, but it's not how I want, you know, the final series to end. Like, I want an actual story. I don't want you to just copy something that loads and loads of people have already written.

[00:06:49] Because it wasn't like an actual resolution. Because in my mind, they didn't talk enough to actually resolve anything. No, it just... Yeah, your main two characters are barely conversing for the entire episode. And they didn't even kiss. Anyway, this is not what we're looking for. I promised Elsie yesterday that we would keep this to max five minutes. I know, I know. The way we could talk about this for an hour and a half if someone let us. Plus they don't even kiss as a spoiler. Yeah, okay, well, I might cut that out.

[00:07:18] But I could see the burns of something good that they weren't allowed to do. And I understand why. I mean, they still made something. So it's like, if you were going to make something, if you were going to like, oh, who cares? We're still going to make something. Why don't you just make the thing you were going to make? They made season two of The Sandman. Like, just... Anyway, I just... We keep seeing this event. Like, all... I think all three of us have had various IPs where they've done something. And it's like, oh. I've been disappointed a lot.

[00:07:45] In the last week, two beloved properties have been destroyed by people that are supposed to be professional and good filmmakers. And anyway, listen to our bonus episode on The Magic Bar. We can cover good omen if you like. Yeah, we can do that. We'll do it. We've got so many copies of it in the house. We actually do have so many good omen books in this house. Yeah. All bought prior. Is that bad optics for us? All bought prior, but burning books is equally bad optics.

[00:08:14] What do you do with books that become bad? Charity shop. No, because you're just... I mean, propagating, but I guess for charity... Leave it in a damp cell. Yeah. I don't want to burn a book. Store it improperly. Yeah. I don't want to burn a book that was like my favourite book as a kid. I know. Just erase one of the names. Focus on the other one. Yeah. I mean... Yeah, so Els didn't like Far Away Tree, but go listen to her talk in detail about why she didn't like Far Away Tree. I mean... I also didn't like Far Away Tree and I thought it was in detail. Yeah.

[00:08:43] Do you have any IPs that people have ruined recently? Well, that's not what we're here for. Yeah, sorry. Yes. Different IP. Let's go. Otherwise, how are we all feeling? I mean, I'm just a little depressed, to be honest. It's been a depressing and stressful week for me, but I'm excited because... Because this is an episode I'm just unbelievably excited about. I had to kick her off the couch yesterday. Oh my God. Stood there kicking until she got up. I was just lying. Prostrate. Mm-hmm. Like... Supine. Supine.

[00:09:14] Supine! Supine. Just like, oh, I'm so depressed. I'm so stressed. But things are looking up. This has nothing to do, by the way, with our loss, our devastating loss of the Golden Lobes. Our devastating triple loss. Because we actually had a really lovely evening. So yeah, shout out Golden Lobes. That was a fun, fun night. It's always a fun night. Did I say Globes? No. Golden Lobes. You said Lobes. Yeah. Golden Lobes. Yeah. It's so hard to Google.

[00:09:43] Oh, Globes, right, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, got it, got it, got it. Google really is like, no, but you mean the Golden Globes, right? Like, why would you mean the Golden Lobes? And I'm just like, no, I'm trying to buy tickets. Sorry. But yeah, shout out everyone on the Podomedy Network who we got to talk to at the Golden Lobes. It was a lot of fun. Anyway, we had to acknowledge it. We didn't have to. We really always... We do it. We enjoy them. Yeah, that's true. We didn't have to. Congratulations to everyone who beat us. Apart from Ramesh Rangadathan. Everyone apart from him.

[00:10:13] Anyway. I'll fight you, Ramesh. I can't wait to see them. Yeah. So what are we talking about today? The Slammer. As you all know, today is Freedom Show Day. And this afternoon, our visiting audience will decide which prisoner will be released. I forgot how much I loved this as a kid. Yeah. Yeah. And I remember so much of it. I've watched so many episodes of it. And I was like, in like every episode there was something I was like, yeah, I remember this. I remember this.

[00:10:43] Just the whole time. So did you remember liking it? Yes. Loved it. And I still do. So I don't know why we've waited this long to do the Slammer. Because for the past couple of seasons where we've planned out everything that we're doing, we've got a set list. And for the next six months. Broadcasting schedule. Exactly. And I've gone, oh, fuck. The Slammer's not in there. Missed it again.

[00:11:11] And so we're finally doing the Slammer. And this show, I've said this about a bunch of shows that we've done. But this one, I mean it, is probably the one that means the most to me. All prior time she was lying. And I don't know if I've really like mentioned it that much on the podcast.

[00:11:33] But this show is so entrenched in my childhood and the lexicon of my family. So there's so many. Why are you laughing? Because Elsie rang her mum and dad this morning to talk about the Slammer. And it was just like them quoting the Slammer for 20 minutes.

[00:12:00] It's such a weird thing because it's not exactly a classic, is it? It's not like one of the big ones that we've done. It's a pretty random thing. But it just happens to be the show that my entire family absolutely adored. To the point where like we are quoting it to this day. We would actually go home from school like half three.

[00:12:30] And then it was on at like four o'clock, half four. And my parents would like rush us home to watch it. Because stop laughing. I'm smiling at you. Laura's laughing. Why are you laughing? It's adorable. I'm getting very defensive. We just think it's sweet. I was never at home by the end of the school day because I would have to go to the like after school, your parents work too much. We'll take care of you till they're done.

[00:12:59] So I've never seen it before. That's probably not why we weren't a CBBC household. No. But that contributes. Yeah.

[00:13:37] And I do completely get it. I remember my best friend at primary school said to me, Elsie, why do your family all gather around the TV and watch the slammer together? It's such an odd thing. Why are you laughing? It's weird. I don't know. And I remember sitting there and my parents like laughing so much. Like they adored it.

[00:13:59] And there's a lot of phrases and catchphrases that sort of entered our family lexicon. Who's the governor? What an audience. We've got some fabulous performing prisoners for you today, folks. So I guess I'll get into that a little later. But should we start off by explaining what happens in this very, very bizarre show? Yeah. So it ran from 2006.

[00:14:28] There were six seasons, which it kept going. I mean, we only really watched series one, two, three. And then they started to introduce. I watched some of season five and some of season six. Yeah. So they introduced a new prison officer and we weren't like so into that. The woman. It just stopped being. That's misogyny, by the way. No. They brought a woman in and I didn't like it. We weren't not into her because she was a woman. She just wasn't very funny. Because she's a woman.

[00:14:56] Yeah, it stopped being quite as funny. But like. It was also called The Return. So. Yes. So that happened in 2013 or 14. So I think that was like a sort of best of thing. And the old characters came back like Mr. Burgess was back in that one. Because I think that he wasn't in it for some of it. Who's Mr. Burgess? Who's Mr. Burgess? Are you fucking joking me? I want no trouble from you today, Odum. Because today is show day. I want no mischief. No naughtiness.

[00:15:25] And no other types of monkey business. Do you hear me, lad? Yes, sir, Mr. Burgess. Well, you are shouting quite loud. I do not. How much have you watched? A lot. I just don't. So how do you not know? Mr. Burgess is Ian Kirkby. Harry Bat. Okay. Harry Bat. The guy that looks like Harry Bat. Okay. Because he is Harry Bat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry. Names genuinely go in one ear and out the other. It is a nightmare for me. Well, do you know who the governor is? Yeah, yeah. But there we go. Okay. Because that's not his name, is it? It's his title.

[00:15:55] So please welcome your host. He's the governor. It's the governor. Yeah, but it is his name. Yeah, yeah. Who's the governor? You're the governor. I just didn't process a single character's name. That's all. So the way, right. The way the show works, right, is there's a sitcom for like 10 minutes set around a prison

[00:16:24] for variety performers. Who have committed crimes to showbiz. Yes. Bernie Walters, the incredible memory man, forgot to turn up at the theater. Got three years for that, the dopey twit. I, oh my God, I love this show. I love it so much. So that's happening for 10 minutes. And it's always on the lead up to show day. So some shenanigans happen that is going to jeopardize the show.

[00:16:54] Now, you may be wondering why I brought a mackerel to today's Freedom Show Day meeting. Allow me to explain. Someone has allowed an agent to break into the slammer. Agents overexcite the prisoners with promises of fame and fortune. And they have a nasty habit of helping them to escape. And then it gets resolved so very quickly. And then the show happens.

[00:17:22] So it's a very bizarre format. There is nothing like this. So the last 20 minutes, like 50 or 60 kids come to the prison. A year group. Yeah. Come to the prison. And they decide which of the lineup of four performers is to be released.

[00:17:48] If they win, they're competing for their freedom, basically. Yes, they're competing for their freedom. So the last 20 minutes is a variety show. Usually it's just actual, like very talented, sometimes not so talented performers. We've got some fabulous performing prisoners for you today, folks. We've got from A-Wing, Michelle Lozier's hornophone. Got a contortionist named Iona.

[00:18:20] She can lick the back of her own head. And the acrobatic acromaniac! At the end of the show, whoever gets the loudest applause from the kids gets to go free. From their fake decibel monitor. The clapometer. It's not fucking real, is it? And they only introduce like an actual visible scale on it in like the second series or something.

[00:18:47] Because in the first series, it's just a screen with the axe name on it. The kids clap and then it gives a score. And it's like, what's this being measured in? Because like the first score that's ever given is like a 95. And I'm like, well, I have 100. I don't know. I have no idea. It's just a screen that turns into a number. And then the final app that gets released gets like 125. And I'm like, you've not explained that this is a decibel. I don't know what this is meant to be.

[00:19:17] It's not real. And it's not out of 100, is it? We were also... I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I was watching this with our friend. And he said he was at a stadium, like a concert. I can't remember who the artist was. But at the end, they had... It was Kasabian, I think. It was Kasabian. Yes, I was going to say Kasabian. I thought it was Kasabian. And at the end, they had a decibel machine. And they asked the audience to make as much noise as they possibly could. And they could only get up to 90. Decibel machine. Yeah.

[00:19:48] Yeah, it's a decibel machine. A decibel machine. So an arena got up to 90. And we're supposed to believe that... These kids are smashing out 125. 59-year-olds. They're very enthusiastic. Applauding for a juggler. It's better than an arena for Kasabian. I was just going... I was sitting here going, 125 decibels is very, very, very fucking loud.

[00:20:18] But I can't remember what it is as loud as. It's not as loud as an arena full of Kasabian fans. I've just had to say that like three times. I don't know why you struggled so much. This is the clapometer. This will record the clapping and the cheering that you make. And it will decide who goes free. Are you ready to do this? Yeah. What score for Daniel Magnus? 124.2. Good score. So in between each act,

[00:20:48] the governor and Mr Burgess, who is a police officer, go round the audience with a microphone and ask the kids to give their review just to break it up. So that is the format. I like those bits. They're always very sweet. You think she's the best? Yes. Hold it down. And did you like him? Yeah.

[00:21:17] He should be the captain of my dream team. Who's your dream team? Brazil. Plus extra players from other teams as well. Do you think you get in the Brazil team? Any day. You must be nuts. Now that was my parents' favourite part of the whole show. It's because your mum fancies Ian Kirkby. And your dad fancies Ian Kirkby. Your dad fancies Ian Kirkby. I mean, I don't think that's true.

[00:21:47] But we'll, let's, let's go through each section and just discuss it, I guess. Still walkers. Strong women. Stand up, colleagues. We've got them all in here. And here is the best place for them. No plates spinning in the corridor, Percival. Clean it up, lad. So it's set in HM Slammer. I love that it is HM Slammer. It is Her Majesty's Slammer. That is how it's referred to in the show. And we get to see HM.

[00:22:17] We do. There is one episode where HM is in it. Yeah. Not the actual HM. It's the Alicia Dixon episode. Yes, it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What I love about this whole concept is that it's just so silly and bizarre. Like it's filmed in what looks like a prison. It's got a little, I don't know how much variation there is in British prison design, but it looks a bit like the prison in Paddington 2, but with like one less floor. Yeah.

[00:22:47] Because it's got the stairs that go into the performing area kind of thing. This is a question I had because where, where is this filmed? Because it doesn't look purpose built. It could be a prison. Are you getting a load of kids into a prison to watch some people dance around though? If it's one, because there's like quite a lot of decommissioned prisons in the UK and they don't all have something going on in them. Even decommissioned, I think it's still a bit of a weird thing to bring. Oh, that would be a sick school day though, wouldn't it? You're going to a prison.

[00:23:18] Like that would be a fun school day. I mean. Oh, okay. So the exterior shots were filmed at HM Prison Swansea. Of course. The most filmable prison. Oh, okay. So the live audience was Media City, Salford. So it is purpose built then. The interior. The interior must be then. Well, the show was. But that was where a lot of the sitcom took place

[00:23:47] was on the stage, but not while the show was on. So you've still got those stairs. It's kind of like a hotel setting. So, you know, when like a hotel turns into a weatherstorm. Absolutely mad that they would be like, yes, let's film the inside in Media City. And there's no prisons closer to Media City than in Swansea. There's a prison somewhat nearby and I've gone past it a lot recently. And every single time I go past it,

[00:24:16] there's like more and more line bikes. And in my head, I'm like, I know that if any prisoners were escaping, they would not have phones. And this is not an option, but it feels like you're giving them a bunch of easy escape options. Which is how, that's how the staff are getting there. Yeah, no, for sure. Line biking to the prison. Yeah. I guess it was just a convenient like facade with a door that opened straight out onto the road. Because how many prisoners do you know that has a door that opened straight out? I mean, Not our nearest. That door is probably behind gates. You don't see it,

[00:24:45] but there's like enough space there that it just looks like they're being let out of a door, straight onto the path. Off you go. Yeah. No. Let's go through each section and talk about how it works. So the sitcom, the sitcom, the characters, who are the characters? You have got two main inmates. Right. In this here cell, we've got a couple of long-term inmates. Prisoners Odoom and Notio.

[00:25:14] You've got the governor, you've got Mr Burgess, and you've got the governor's nephew, Gimbert, who is not very good at his job. And only has the job because he's the nephew of the governor. I'd like you to meet your new warden, Jeremy Gimbert. Yeah. Now, I know what you're thinking, but he's got a lot of experience at selling ice cream, but I'm sure you'll all make him feel very welcome. So. Classic nepotism there. In here. Yeah. He calls him Uncle Boss. Uncle Boss. Which I think is really funny.

[00:25:44] Nepotism comes from the Latin word for nephew because it was literally about Stop it. Promoting nephews. Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah. So when I say classic, I mean classic. Oh, that's amazing. Yeah. So the cast, Ted Robbins plays the governor and I cannot think of a better person for the role. A better person to play. There isn't a person who exists that is better for this role. There's such a category within British men that is like that role because there's like quite a few actors kind of like that who could play that.

[00:26:14] I think he did a fantastic job. I'm not trying to say replace him with one of the others, but there's a lot of those men acting in the UK. Can I just say, to this day, if I see Ted Robbins in something, I'm like, oh my God, it's the governor. Yeah, same. And he's been in a lot. 20 years later, I'm like, it's the governor. Yeah. Because he, I mean, he was in Phoenix Knights. He's been in a bunch of Dick and Dom things. Actually, a lot of people, a lot of the cast in this were in Dick and Dom and Bungalow. Any reason or just that's a small swapping pool? Well, because it was produced by Steve Ride

[00:26:44] who produced a lot of Dick and Dom things. So that's, that I imagine is why. I'm not sure why Dick and Dom never showed up in it. Maybe distracting. They might have. Yeah, they might have been in like one or two episodes, but they weren't like a main part of it. They're also not like a variety act, are they? Not really. And a lot of the time the people that get brought in are acts, aren't they? It's, they're not, it's not like characters get brought in

[00:27:12] very often that aren't acts. Yes. So, yeah. Jailers and jailbirds, we've got a marvellous mime act. He's serving two years in the slammer for refusing to give a statement. Who's got a hula hoop? One of those hula hoops. Come on. Who's got, have you got one? Have you got one? Well, I bet you've never seen hula hooping like this young lady. She's here doing three years in the slammer for being the international ringleader of a big circle of crime. So, Ted Robbins, he is like that kind of

[00:27:41] phenotype of man who like came up through like British working men's club circuits. Yeah. Like very, um, Darts code. Very, he's very Darts code. I'm amazed by Ted Robbins because I really don't think that there is anyone in this time

[00:28:11] in the last 20 years that fully embodies the kind of 60s, 70s, 80s variety music hall. host? Yeah, host, like, like that, just that kind of performing, like that sort of comedy. Like definitely the Chuckle Brothers were part of that rich heritage. And I'm going to talk a little bit later on about the history of variety and musical in the UK because there isn't

[00:28:40] a better episode to do that in than The Slammer. But there, there isn't anyone like Ted Robbins that can do that sort of performing and make it not weird and vintage in this day. Can I also say, even though Dick and Dom weren't in The Slammer, Ted Robbins was in some Dick and Dom stuff. Oh yeah, he was. Because anyone else trying to do that, it would just be like a sort of caricature, caricature, like a sort of vintage, like, yeah,

[00:29:10] because he plays it really sincere or like earnestly, like it doesn't feel, it feels very right. Yeah, like it feels like the entire history of like British variety performance is embodied in Ted Robbins. And when he does it, it's kind of, it fits in well. It doesn't feel like a joke. It feels like that's just his job and he does it really well. And you kind of feel like you're sitting in a smoky room with people

[00:29:40] playing darts when Ted Robbins is there. Phoenix Knights. Phoenix Knights, exactly. So... He's going around with a hat at the end of it. You know? Jesus, how many fucking working men's clubs have you been to, Laura? Do you mean that because I've got specific knowledge or really, really incorrect knowledge? Specific. Okay. Irish ones, quite a lot. As for you two, three,

[00:30:10] behave yourselves. Otherwise, I will have you sew in sequins into a trapeze artist's fleotard for the rest of your stretch. So who else? We've got Mr. Burgess played by Ian Kirkby. Tim Kirkby? Ian! Tim Kirkby. Some word of God. Why are we more on the ball at eight o'clock at night? I know! This is such a chaotic episode. I'm getting things wrong everywhere. So, Ian Kirkby, right? We're big fans.

[00:30:40] We're big fans in this house. Oh, more than. More than. Oh, I mean, Harry Bat. He's Harry Bat. I'd have a picture of Harry Bat on my wall. So if reform gets in and we need to have a picture of the king in our house, we'll just stick a picture of Harry Bat over it. He's my king. He's my king. We're involved getting and we have to have a picture of the king in our house. I know it's a convoluted route to get there, but I think that's what we should do. Is that our thing? Yeah, they want schools to have pictures of the king.

[00:31:09] We're not a school, though. I thought it was also individuals. Oh, come on. That's ridiculous. It's like having an American flag, but it's having a picture of the king. Well, it's because you used to have to. They have to in Thailand. Have a picture of our king. No, of their king. Is it a colony? No, no, their king. He's a Thai king. I know, I know, I know. Okay. What about you, sir? What did you think? I thought he was very clever for making it, and even though he made mistakes, I think it was really funny. Yes,

[00:31:38] there is a bit of polish to be had there in his act. We'll soon sort that out. What about you, madam? I think he was very flexible and active. And what, madam? And active. And active? Yeah. Active. Flexible and active. Could you sum him up for us in one word, madam? Wonderful. Wonderful. That's rather nice, eh? I quite like that. So wonderful. What about you, sir? I think he had a great voice.

[00:32:07] He had a great voice? Are you deaf sunshine? One final word to sum up this load of rubbish. What did you think of it? I just love it when Ian Kirkby plays characters. That he was born to play. Yeah. He's so law-coded. Yes, he's so law-coded with a very strong sense of justice. Police officers and detectives. The thing is, he's such a sexy police officer and detective though, isn't he? He makes me really get on the side with police officers and detectives. I got...

[00:32:37] Listen. All cops are bastards except for one. And he... A cab... E... F-I-K... A cab epic. There we go. I got ethics. So silly. When he's Harry Bat, he's not...

[00:33:07] He's not in uniform. Right. He's just in a suit. When he's... In the... Meg loves a man in uniform. No, I just love it. That man in that uniform. I can't name you any of the uniforms I like. Postman. In one. Ah! Oh, sexy. Oh my God. I hate being red but do you remember a few episodes ago

[00:33:36] when Elsie very... We told the story about how Elsie very confidently said at the pub something that she'd never done and we were like, Elsie, you've done that and we know you have. Yeah. Oh yeah. I'm forgetting things about myself. It's alright. Like the postman's uniform. Is a postman a man in uniform though? Yes. I think it depends. With their little trolleys? I thought that that phrase was like reserved for like... Military.

[00:34:06] Yeah. I think it's any uniform. And maybe doctors. I think... I like a man in school. I was about to say like with all the uniforms doctors pretty low down on like attractiveness. Oh, I don't know. Or tailoring. I think postman is pretty unattractive. They've got a little trolley. Yeah. And a little satchel. Or they've got a van full of parcels. Yeah. I, um... I'd like to say now that I think that what Ian Kirkby

[00:34:35] wears in this show is more attractive than your regular beat police uniform. Well, he's not an officer. He's... I guess a prison... Oh, he is cinched. Oh, yeah. It's tailored to fuck. It's a really nice suit. Yeah. There is... There is no gift. Do you know what is an attractive uniform? You know, like guardsmen. You know, like the king's guardsmen. Are you kidding? Do you not like those? No. They're cinched. Well, I know they are, but they've got

[00:35:05] a slutty little waist. Yeah. There's too many royalist implications. They do, but the stupid hat. The stupid hats. The stupid, cruel hats. You didn't have to wear... The hat comes up. That stays on during sex. In like the levels of complicated to simple uniforms. One that people think is really hot, but is the simplest shit ever is lifeguards. That's a complex one, right? Yeah. The guardsman complex. Lifeguard. Red swim. That's it.

[00:35:34] I think we need to move on before my face gets any hotter. No, no. Tell us. How do you feel about lawyer uniforms? What? Suits? No, no. They're like barrister shit. Ooh. No, come on. Let's not be silly. Meg really loves justice. Do you know why? Well, you love all the uniforms of justice. How can I love justice when I hate rats? Because that's... I hate justice.

[00:36:05] So, um... We were watching an episode, me and Meg, and I don't know, Mr. Burgess did something. He just saw... Literally anything. He did a little tap dance and walked away. And Meg said, he knows how sexy he is, doesn't he? And I was like, I don't think he does. I think... I think there's... Did I say that? Yes! Like, I just don't think he does. I don't think he's... He did a little tap dance because he saw some justice being meted out. Like, some prisoner got punished

[00:36:34] and he was pleased about it and he walked away. What does it say about me that I just fully do not remember saying anything? What happened last night? I mean, your eyes were completely glazed. I thought you were drooling. We had a massive bottle of wine last night. That's what happened. Yeah, shout out to friend of the pod, Jasmine. And then hail of my parents at Aliens and Bootleg fame. She got us a bottle of Prosecco that was the size of two bottles of Prosecco. Mm-hmm. Thanks. You'll be getting to see

[00:37:04] quite a lot of these two, Mr. Gimbert, because they will be in here for a very long time! Mr. Burgess's role is that he is... I mean, I learned this morning on the phone to my parents that he's kind of parodying the police officer from Porridge. He's very, very strict. Fuck his Porridge. It's a sitcom from the 70s. Okay. He's very strict. He loves punishment. And don't look at me like that. He loves discipline. There is a fantastic episode

[00:37:33] where Melvin O'Doom gets disciplined. Yeah. It's hard to see other people living in dream. The governor's going to shout at Melvin O'Doom. He's not actually going to... He's just putting on, like, a show. He's just, like, he wants everyone else in the prison to think that he's being punished, but he's actually not. And I keep wanting to say Ian Kirkby. Mr. Burgess says... Hi, yes, Burgess. Good man. I was just going to ask you to bring young Melvin to me. Were you, sir? Yes, I was. Leave him there

[00:38:02] and shut the door on your way out. Can't I stay, sir? Can't I, uh... Watch. It's just beautiful. Ian Kirkby. What I love about Mr. Burgess is that even though he's, like, a very strict, stern policeman, there is a reason that he is in the slammer and not a normal prison because there are, like, parts of him where...

[00:38:32] Yes, yes! Every so often, the mask slips and he just loves to show business. It makes you wonder what he's like at home. Hello, loves. What in the name of Basil Brush have you come as? Francis Berger, tap dancing Carla Miranda tribute show. Aye, aye, aye! You may have heard of me. So long, my darlings. He can tap dance. And he does sometimes. And it's beautiful. And he hosts the show with the governor, so he's... Yeah, it's him and the governor

[00:39:01] that do the little interviews with the kids. I think that's so perfectly planned because I'm like, yeah, those... In situations like that where there's someone walking around with a mic, there's always this awkward moment when you're moving between people. I'm like, such a simple solution, just get two people to do it. Yeah, no, exactly. And my parents' favourite part of the whole show was these sections. My mum said on the phone she just loved to watch Mr. Burgess bullying these kids. I bet she did. Don't say that.

[00:39:31] She just... It was just really funny. They found it really funny to watch him, like, not bully the kids, but he was like very... Yeah, exactly. Exactly. I think he was better at it than Ted Robbins, to be honest. No, I agree. And Ted Robbins did it very well, but he was much kinder. I would never do that. Well, try a bit now. Go on with your arms. Go on, do a bit now. Go on. I can't. I think that's worth a round of applause, don't you? That's good, that. I thought she was fantastic. Yeah. Why do you think I couldn't do it? Um...

[00:40:02] Because... Um... Um... Because if you look at her and then look at you, there's a big difference. So who else is in these sitcom sections? Two main inmates. Peter Nocchio. That last warden promised us a slot on this week's Freedom Show and now he's gone and retired. Unlucky there. What is wrong with him? He's brought on his asthma. It's his birthday tomorrow and I swore I'd take him

[00:40:31] to a theme park. He's a puppeteer. He is played by... Oh, we've spoken about him before and I can't remember... I can't remember his name but every time we do a show with puppets, he is in it. What's he called? What's he called, Meg? Dave Chapman. Yeah. Dave Chapman, of course. Yeah, every time actually. Yeah, very, very... Prolific. Prolific puppeteer. He plays Peter Nocchio. I mean, describe the character, Laura, because you seem to have opinions. He's a... It's not a ventriloquist exactly

[00:41:01] because he's never throwing his voice. It's always just him visibly talking while puppeting it. That's true, but that is how a lot of puppeteering works anyway. You don't have to be throwing your voice. No, no, that's fair. It's just his act is set up in the same way that there were quite a few in the early 2000s, like onstage ventriloquist comedy performers. Yeah. So I was expecting him to not just visibly be talking and then he was and I was like, okay, fair enough.

[00:41:30] And he's just kind of like annoying. Yeah, I remember my parents finding him to be an extremely weird character and they were not so much into the sitcom element. They were just there for the variety show. Oh no, I like the sitcom element. I quite like it. I thought I didn't like it until, you know, series three rocks round. There's more of an act thing and less of a sitcom thing. And when there was less of it, I missed it. Yeah. Look at me.

[00:41:58] I've got 10 years for getting stage fright at the Royal Variety performance. I've got no chance of getting out and I'm still smiling. Look. It's not me. I'm worried about Melvin. It's little Titch. He's devastated. Oh, get me out of here. Oh, oh, oh, oh, I want out. Melvin O'Doom. Melvin O'Doom. Also plays one of the main, he shares a cell with Peter Nokia. It's funny because it feels, especially in the later series, it feels like Peter Nokia is being, they're trying to make him into a protagonist, even though the show doesn't need a,

[00:42:28] like the governor is the protagonist, right? Like it trying to, but, but Melvin was always the. Yeah. When Melvin was in it, he was the main sort of plot driver or the person that solved the problems in the sitcom section. I love Melvin O'Doom. I think he's fantastic. Dear Mom, you won't believe what's been going on this week in the Slammer. There was Globot. Alex Crowe. Open up the box and see if the prediction is correct. Roller ticks.

[00:42:57] And then he clearly decides he doesn't want to be on the show anymore. They turn him into a puppet. He gets his head stuck in the bars and he's just hanging there behind Peter Nokia while he's writing his letters. For seasons and seasons. It's like the first episode of series three. Peter Nokia is trying to get him, get Melvin out because he's turned into a puppet. And Melvin just goes, uh, Pete, I'm stuck. And that's it. He's just there forever. It's just like dangling from the,

[00:43:26] from the bars. Is he the black guy in the first season? Yeah. That's Melvin O'Doom. Yeah. He's a, he's a dancer. He's. Yeah. I really liked him. Yeah. He's great. I, I, the first few, the few episodes of season one I watched, like often the way it either began or one of the shots began when they were like moving through the performing area. Like everyone's getting ready. Have either of you seen Fame? Yes. Oh yeah. It reminded me a lot of Fame because you've got like performers like stretching in the background and they're all like,

[00:43:55] it feels like they are going to collectively break into a song and do a little performance. Sometimes they do. All kinds of like a chorus line. Yeah. I'll make a big statement now though. I prefer the slammers to Fame. Oh yeah, me too. Fame's really boring. Fame sucks. Like it's entertaining ish. Like we saw it live and that was pretty good, but I don't, I can't remember anything other than, ooh, that's a good group of people. That's it. That's a good group of people. I feel the same about a chorus line though. Yeah. It's also boring.

[00:44:25] So Melvin O'Doom, his crime was he, he messed up his, no, he got stage fright in front of the Queen at the Royal Variety Performance because it's CBC. He gets on stage and he looks at the Queen and he says, oh bum, and then faints. That's his story. That's why he's, yeah, legend. Imagine it, no one would go into show business if the punishment for getting stage fright was going to prison. Yeah, it's a pretty steep penalty

[00:44:55] for something so small. We said last night that it promotes STEM, didn't we? What? Because it's like, you're punished for being bad in the arts. You're just punished for being in the arts, really. It's like, just going to a field where you don't maybe have to, like, lip sync for your life kind of shit. They are, they are lovely scenes when, during the sitcom segment when they're moving through the prison, the way that they've got the extras, like,

[00:45:25] all in various different costumes and you can look at them and tell what their act is. Like, a gymnast or a strong man or a clown. It's all there. Such a circus trio. Yes! And it just feels so full, you know, they populated it with enough extras looking so crazy that it really does feel like yard time at a prison for performers. Yeah. Which is such an unusual thing but so,

[00:45:54] who came up with this? I mean, Steve Ryde did. It's a ridiculous thing. Hello, hello. What have we got here then? A magic act. Oh, brilliant. I love magic. Get a grip, Gimbert. You've got permission to be rehearsing in the corridor. It's a very interesting use of a meritocracy. Yes. Like, I thought it was interesting. Although, the decibelometer is fake. True, true. It's a fake meritocracy. Yeah. They've decided beforehand who goes. Yeah. Score for the Acromaniac of the Club Publum.

[00:46:24] I think you've broken it. The score was, let's have a look, 1,000! Come on, one thing. I know you didn't really like the Peter Nochio character because you found him annoying but I do like him because a joke that I never picked up on as a kid, like, I just believed to those puppets. when he spoke, when he was being those characters, I just believed them as characters. But now watching it as an adult,

[00:46:53] the joke of Peter Nochio is that he believes that those, those characters are real. Like, he's got a whole cabinet of puppets and... He has a prison within the prison. Yes, exactly. And he really treats those characters like they're real. So, when Charlie the Chimp attacks Mr. Burgess, Peter Nochio was like, what did you do that for? Now we're in trouble. Like, it's... See, what that's saying to me is he needs

[00:47:22] psychiatric help that this prison, because it's underfunded, is not getting. No, exactly. There's a great moment where there's a pen pal scheme and he hasn't got time to write to his own pen pal because... Oh, he's just so busy. He's too busy writing for all of his other puppets. Like, because I'm busy writing yours. It's like, you don't have to, mate. Yeah, you really don't. Yeah, there's, there were two episodes where he, they were like, oh, but we'll get in trouble if we do that. And then the puppet just does it. And I'm like, well, that's, you're still going to get in trouble.

[00:47:52] It still happened. Whatever. Right. Well, why don't you just have a little lie down in the corner over there? I'll just carry on addressing everyone's letters then, shall I? I've had no time to write any letters of me own. Oh no, too busy helping you lot out with yours. But yeah, I did like that character. He wasn't the one I was most entertained by as a kid. I didn't mind him in the sitcom elements, but when he was performing, I was like, it's just not very funny. Oh yeah, no, it was, it was designed to be a bad act. Which,

[00:48:22] which after the first episode I did realise, I was like, oh, he's still here. Okay, that makes sense because the first episode I was just like, well, you're not very good. I'm not sure how you're making a career out of this. he's part of the variety show in the very first episode. Yeah, and then I was like, oh, you're a recurring character within, and I was like, okay, fine, fine, fine. And Lee Barnett plays Gimbert. Mr. Bird just tells me you're a dancer, Melvin. That's right, sir. Shall we? Honestly, I think they're great.

[00:48:51] I can see for miles. Oh yeah, rest assured, with these on, nothing's gonna get past me. And Lee Barnett plays the exact same character in the Harry Bat sketches. He plays the prize idiot and it is just the same character but it's funny and I like it. Gimbert's the nephew, Laura. Oh, I see, I don't remember him. Names, no. No, no. I did enjoy this show.

[00:49:20] It's such a simple show and you've watched so much of it, I am baffled as to how you don't know who these people are. I actually did really enjoy it. I think I just wasn't paying enough attention which is on me. I was kind of surprised when I got a message at work, Laura saying, I'm really enjoying The Slammer and I don't know why it surprised me. I'm just so discerning and bitchy. I think it's the ancestral love of variety that's when it's really about. No, for sure. I mean,

[00:49:49] we can get into the variety because I have opinions on that but we can do that later or it would be more best placed later. No, I would love to do this now because the next section we have to talk about is the Freedom Show. Okay, cool. Now, we've got to be particularly careful today because we've got a particularly brilliant show. Now, the agent will be after acts like Leo, the unicyclist, Bruce Airhead and if he ever gets his hands on McFly, there'll be no Freedom Show at all.

[00:50:18] I love variety shows in like this really like... You're so Britain's Got Talent filled. No, but the thing is, the thing is, it's like, no, my point here is like, I'm actually genuinely disappointed that the main variety show that's like on is Britain's Got Talent. Oh, okay. because I actually don't think Britain's Got Talent has been good for years and years and years and years. It just doesn't feel like variety is really happening. It doesn't feel like you're helping smaller acts that could be really good get there anymore. It feels like it's something else entirely.

[00:50:48] part of the formula is bringing on people who are bad. Yes. Whereas the actual variety show, they're all going to be good. Yeah. And I think that it's amazing that this was on for kids. Like they just were like, we want variety, a variety show for kids and they just did it. Yeah. They were like, yes, let's, let's, let's set it within something, not just be a variety act. But I really liked it and I really liked that that was a thing that kids could watch because it's like, the, the world is full of extremely varied performers and we don't actually see

[00:51:17] very many of them unless you go out of your way to see them. So I liked that this was on telly for kids. Yeah, that's, that's one of the things I appreciate about it the most because it's such a vintage idea and framing it in such a bizarre setting is, I mean, I think it is, it is one for the parents because, I mean, my parents were raised on, you know, the 1970s, the good old days show and, which I will talk about in a second. They, they also really appreciated

[00:51:46] the just weirdness of what the show was. So variety, musical, it started with Victorian musicals. Then obviously, the war happened. The war. The war happened. Which war? The First World War. Okay, thank you. And it sort of faded and when it came back, it was kind of rebranded as not musical, but variety because it was seen to be more respectable

[00:52:15] because musicals were very bawdy affairs. Yeah. And then you had the Royal Variety performance which started in 1912 and started being televised in the 50s. So as soon as it could be viewed on television, it was. And in the 1950s to 1970s, the golden age of TV, you had TV shows like Tonight at London Palladium and you had The Good Old Days.

[00:52:44] So that actually ran from 1953 to 1983. And The Good Old Days was filmed in Leeds. The audience would join in with the whole vibe of Victorian musicals by dressing up. Have you ever seen it? No. Yeah. Okay. So it got repeated for a while and my parents watched it just for pure nostalgia's sake. And every so often they would look at me and they would say, Elsie, this is the shit we were watching.

[00:53:13] It was comedians, it was singers, it was musicians. It wasn't quite, you know, as varied as what you got on The Slammer. I don't think there were gymnasts on The Good Old Days, but it was mocked up to look like a Victorian musical and for its entire run the audience were in Victorian garb and... Bit closer to it you could just whack on grandma's dress. Yeah. Exactly.

[00:53:44] And like, I feel that this is a uniquely British thing and I don't know why. Like, I actually was trying to find out, I was trying to do a bit of research on the history of variety in the UK and I did get the history of variety in the UK but I don't know why we love it so much and why we have such an affinity with that. It feels like the same wheelhouse as pantomime. Absolutely. No one has pantomime. We, because we invented pantomime. I lost a quiz round

[00:54:14] because of that once. Yeah, we said Italy, didn't we? No, no, this was at school. Oh, right, okay. And my team said France and I was like, I'm pretty sure it's England but I had to go with the team. Anyway, it's got this like, I imagine it probably just goes back to like Elizabethan times where it was like, what was on? There was so much competition between the lower orders of entertainment. Loads of it got developed and then just carried on. Yeah, and there's that old quote of like,

[00:54:43] it doesn't take a lot of convincing to get an Englishman into a dress. Yeah, it really doesn't. You're not British unless you're willingly getting into a dress. Unless you're willingly cross-dressed. There's a, I can't remember. They should have that on the citizenship test. Yeah, they really fucking should. There's a, I can't remember who said it was like a Roman quote where it's like, the only thing you need to have your people be happy is bread and circuses. And I just think that's so true and we do circuses really well. Yeah. I think there's things outside of bread

[00:55:13] and circuses that I'd like to be on. Housing. The three pillars. I would put that like under housing. Self-actualization. You can find that at a circus. You can find that at a circus. Fred? You can find it at a circus. She's really enjoying this. So the big, the big players from this kind of mid-century, mid-late century

[00:55:43] variety era circuit. Yes. You've got Gracie Fields, George Formby, Tommy Cooper, Arthur Askey, Marie Lloyd, like these big names. I actually knew one of those. Yeah. One? Yeah, one. Was it Tommy Cooper? No. Oh, what? George Formby. Yeah, okay. Yeah, sure. Sure, sure, sure. You knew George Formby but you didn't know Tommy Cooper. No, it was Tommy Cooper. Sorry, I heard When I'm Cleaning Windows. Ah! Okay, yeah. I heard When I'm Cleaning Windows a lot when I was a kid.

[00:56:13] Yeah, same. My parents absolutely adore George Formby. I hate that fucking song. I like it. I like it. It might just be like pure nostalgia. And I'm Leaning on a Lamp Post. I mean, they're all perv songs. Yes. They are pervy. Yeah, they're really pervy songs. But they're deliberately perv songs. I didn't realise that at all. Does that make you better or worse, Elsie? Well, better. I think not. Well, what? If you're perving on purpose, that makes it better than perving back? If you're perving for comedic reasons. It's not good, but it's better.

[00:56:44] I don't know. I feel like consciously doing it versus subconsciously doing it, like, I would argue consciously is a bit better. It's a bit easier to talk to someone about that than like, saw yourself out. I'm cleaning windows, then I feel like I'm being unconsensually perved on. It's fine if it's consensual. It's alright, we clean our own windows. We don't! Yeah, no, we just have dirty fucking windows. Stop lying to the people! I was looking out

[00:57:13] this window the other day and I was like, oh, what an interesting pattern of clouds. No, it's the dirt on our window. No, sorry, I need to go back a bit further. So in the Second World War, Basil Dean and Leslie Hansen set up the ENSA, which was the Entertainment National Service Association. ENSA. ENSA. So what they did was they went round to the troops and entertained them and a lot of names such as

[00:57:43] Terry Thomas and Peter Sellers, they were part of that and they, like a lot of these variety performers actually did stints in the ENSA and that is where they got a lot of their training but their services were spread quite thin so they eventually ended up with the nickname Every Night Something Awful because it wasn't always that good. Anyway, that has been Some full of troops, guys. That's been renamed Every Night Something Awful.

[00:58:13] I like that, that's clever. That's actually been renamed a number of times and as of 2020 it is called the British Forces Broadcasting Service so it did last but it was Boof-boof-boof-boof-boof-boofs what is it? No, servers, right? Yeah. So boof-boof-boofs. And I guess to bring us up to modern day the equivalent would be Britain's Got Talent or short form video content I guess.

[00:58:43] TikTok. I have a question. Yeah, go on. You might not know the answer but I have a question. So did Vaudeville really happen here or was that like No, so that was happening around the same time like 1830 like Victorian time Yeah, yeah. in America so it was very similar it was like circus acts and that was I tried to find out why it was just named something different but Vaudeville is very similar and that happened in the US. Yeah, yeah. Now that's entertainment.

[00:59:13] So on with The Freedom Show at the end of It's such an American sounding name I know, yeah. But for quite like a British concept I feel dance for your freedom. At the end of the sitcom segment the governor would get into his white suit white and gold suit and he would say how do I look? And whoever was in the room would say divine sir and then he would

[00:59:42] pull down a lever which would set off an alarm like when it was time for the show there would be an alarm going like a I don't know it's like a panic alarm very very unusual. Isn't that how all shows get announced like come performers? Anyway how do I look? Divine Thank you very much In that case it's showtime! I suppose this is a good time to talk about the acts that we remember.

[01:00:13] Slinky Man Yeah, you had a giant slinky it was a man in a full suit of slinkies it was very unusual Horn Man Horn Man He was like he had horns Oh yes horns all over him and he would just move and do a song He had like contortionists tap dancers they sort of tap dancers Very good trio of French tap dancers There was like a Russian acrobatic

[01:00:42] Quite a few dog dancing people like I've forgotten what the famous one that was on Britain's Got Talent was called but like I saw three different episodes with a woman who came to perform with her dog Wow Not the same woman different well one of them was a man different people different dogs similar vibe Magicians Alicia Dixon Alicia Dixon McFly McFly It's so McFly coded I was waiting for them to kind of arrive They sung Stargirl He doesn't perform

[01:01:11] but Yuri Geller's in the first episode Oh my god I just wanted to introduce you to Yuri Hello I really can I was waiting for him to perform and it's like oh all you did was bend a key okay Well you know he he he he he better spoon as well Yeah He better spoon He did his spoon in thing Like watching it as a kid I had absolutely no idea It completely passed me by And then watching it the other day

[01:01:41] I was like is that that's actually Yuri Geller This is such a weird show I love it I love it so much It's so stupid Yuri Geller was in episode one and Linda Robson was in episode two It's got like some big people that just show up for a scene You alright Sue? You are looking fine girl Listen I really appreciate you helping us out here You're gonna make a lot of performers really happy Oh Melvin Don't you worry about them donkeys It's you I wanna make happy I liked the bit

[01:02:10] where the strong woman lifts up Ian Kirkby I liked that Yes He looked like he liked that as well I liked the episode where they try and scare Mr Burgess for Halloween and he gets them back by pretending that he's so scared they killed him he's scared to death and then he appears as himself alive and scares them back because they think he's come back to life so he's scared them twice

[01:02:40] and they're like how did he do that and then everyone goes away and Mr Burgess looks at the dead Mr Burgess on the ground because there's like two of them and the dead one gets up and it's his mum who just came in to help him out with a prank and he doesn't put on a voice to play his own mum he's just got a blonde wig and it's just the same actor doing the same character but it's his mum a bit of

[01:03:10] parthenogenesis there yeah so stupid anytime son always happy to help out my little Frankie boy Keith and Orville right we do need to talk about the Keith Harris and Orville episode it's in series one so Keith Harris and Orville are like a famously kind of disliked act it's Keith Harris who's a

[01:03:40] ventriloquist and a little big green big green duck and you yes yeah I'm not surprised that you've not heard of this no no no I have I have you have I have no you've seen it she's not good with names remember yeah I have I didn't see this episode but I've seen him perform not like in person but I've seen his performances really yeah yeah yeah so he's awful yes in he's Orville very good in the sitcom section basically they

[01:04:10] won't let him perform because something happened last time they performed and they can't risk it happening again something bad happened and Melvin O'Doom and Pete Tinocchio are saying but he's a legend that'll be Keith Addison Orville a notorious variety performer they're showbiz legends what are they doing locked up in the basement Mr Burgess but it was Keith here that was hit the hardest he threw us straight into here and ever since that faithful

[01:04:38] he hasn't spoken a word have you son have you exactly one of Britain's greatest entertainers silenced by your perpetual desire to fly Orville selfish little dog naughty all this arguing isn't going to bring Keith back he's a variety legend you've got to let him perform and the whole thing just seems so unbelievably tongue-in-cheek because everyone on that set knows that no one likes Keith Harris in Orville and it is

[01:05:08] so definitely one for the parents because my parents knew who they were and thought it was very very weird and funny that he was even on TV I didn't have any context for this at all and watching it the other day there's a scene where the governor says I mean listen I would like him to perform as well and he turns to the camera like looks down the camera and says after all everyone loves a green showbiz duck in a nappy I know I do

[01:05:39] what are they trying to say to us like are they trying to say that they know that what they're doing is unusual I'm not sure but yeah I do appreciate that episode just for the sheer weirdness of it right then to me it's a bloke and a duck but to you it might be entertainment what did you think sir I think he was very good and he should get out of jail I thought that the duck was great but I didn't like the man

[01:06:09] I'll give the duck 10 out of 10 but the man 0 oh can you say brown bread and butter without moving your lips in season six as an episode I'm not sure if this carries through the whole season because I only watched one episode where it feels like they've brought in like an up and coming band because it's all young boys it's like a rock band or they're even maybe going for metal and because I have no idea who they were I didn't recognize the name and there's too young to be famous kind of thing so I was like oh

[01:06:39] that's a nice if they're given like a what's the word send it down the elevator sure that's a showbiz term yes giving people a chance when you're more famous yes I think they were sending down the elevator for maybe for younger acts at least in this one episode they were and I was like that's actually really nice that's a good thing to do with it yeah I don't think they were in the prison they're boys there were some young prisoners true but in an adult prison yeah I don't think that children are supposed to be incarcerated with fully grown

[01:07:09] adults but no they're supposed to be incarcerated with other children but in showbiz everyone's game yeah everyone's game we have a favourite in our household my parents were obsessed with Chris Cremo so Chris Cremo was the juggler in one of the early episodes and he was unbelievable like really really good like so good that we still talk about him to this day and he was actually at the time I don't know about now the world's best juggler yeah I remember him yeah he was

[01:07:39] really good there were David and Dania who were quick change artists I mean that got brought up on the phone with Elsie's mum and dad this morning how did they do that so quickly it was because I came in and you were like Laura you're clever see if you can figure out how they do this and I was like up to a point I was like okay I understand I understand no now I have no idea how they did that that's crazy incredible so good um there was Bruce Airhead I loved Bruce Airhead

[01:08:09] Bruce Airhead popcorn by a hot butter no no he danced to something else was it slinky guy that did someone did popcorn to hot hot butter pop popcorn by hot butter popcorn it was a someone definitely hula hoop lady oh yeah that did that of course a hula hoop lady how can you go without and Bruce Airhead was a very very unusual act he had a big I'm not sure

[01:08:39] what material it was it was a big green balloon that he stuck his head in oh yeah I've seen and then eventually climbed entirely inside yeah I've seen one of these how do you get into that there was we were somewhere for new year's and they were doing like before like it got to midnight they were doing like little acts and there was like a contortionist and a guy who got inside a big balloon we were all sat there like I just don't understand how you get some of these things how do you get into them I don't understand

[01:09:08] practice no no I mean how how do you start doing that how do you get into the balloon how do you get into the area I've never understood how people get into the pole vault yeah yeah I don't get it there's one sports day at school where it clicks everyone at school does long jump and high jump no one does pole no one does pole do they how do you get into pole vault how do

[01:09:38] you get into fucking like shooting curling curling how do you get into curling how do you get into like the skeleton or like how do you get into the ones where you have to really go out of your way to learn where is it because everyone goes ice skating when they're a kid if you really like it that'll be when you discover it I had a circus day at school do you guys have a circus day at school no actually yes we did yeah yeah yeah yeah they brought in maybe maybe and they taught us how to spin play it's that kind of thing now this might just be my

[01:10:08] primary school but or maybe it was bigger in hull I don't I don't know but diablos had a real moment yeah oh is it everywhere they really fucking did oh people love the diablos yeah I had one yeah yeah once I get at it there was a diablo performer in one of the episodes of course there was in one of the late ones okay there's two in I think season six or season five one was like I think a famous impressionist I didn't recognize him but there seemed to be excitement

[01:10:38] about him and I was like wow of all the things you guys could do this is so fucking boring I felt kind of bad because he wasn't bad at the impressions but it's like you're not being funny enough with the impressions to make it worth having you be on stage if that makes sense that is always the problem with impressions acts like do you remember the impressions show they were good impressions but the material was like fine yeah it's just like okay fine like you're good at impressions well done but that's kind of the

[01:11:07] extent of how enjoyable it is and there was another one which I just don't understand how you get into being covered in bike horns and making music from it that's fair because it's like there was sorry I remember the other one it was a guy who was doing like a balloon animal performance like it's like go to kids parties he yeah he I think only made two balloon animals on stage and the rest was like an act made

[01:11:36] up with balloon animals he'd made before like it was sort of a pop culture run through because it was like a Dalek there was like a Star Trek bit and it was just like okay I don't really understand you as a performer at all because are you have you made all of these is it just the show with balloon animal like I don't understand exactly what's going on here but that is the beauty of a variety act so the thing about Bruce Airhead is that sorry yeah when you when you it's a good name for a balloon

[01:12:06] artist it is yeah at the end he gets fully inside it and the then the balloon bursts and he's wearing a different outfit but the most impressive part of it or I guess what was supposed to be the most impressive part of it because there was a big cheer from the audience but it looks stupid so there's this massive P on stage right there's a green ball on stage if you think about it it's probably unbelievably difficult to do but to watch it

[01:12:35] it doesn't look impressive at all do you know which bit I'm talking about it this green ball I don't know what's happening he like jumps and it lifts like six inches off the ground once and he gets a big cheer and it just looks so stupid you say six that's about what

[01:13:04] I could jump off the ground though probably not even that much like there's just like a little a little hop that the balloon does and there's a big cheer and it's like what are we cheering at yeah that doesn't make sense in my head like I might just be imagining it wrong but oh my god I love this get in this balloon and bounce around it's the act that we call solitary confinement they also introduced

[01:13:35] a little later on so this started in season three and it cut into the time available for the sitcom element and I honestly I did miss it a bit but what they introduced was a solitary confinement section we give them one little chance to perform they don't go free but if they do well and get the thumbs up from one of you well they get a nice treat and today's treat is they go in a cell with a telly but if they don't do well it's back to the cell for a

[01:14:05] cruel and unusual punishment mr burgess ah what is today's cruel and unusual punishments today sir it's making jelly with him so solitary confinement was not on the bill it wasn't the main four and it wasn't part of the clapometer they would get a child up on stage and that child would watch the act and then they would do a thumbs up or thumbs down who do you think this young man

[01:14:35] here as well yes give me a round of applause Lewis have you got a thumb yep okay you're going to be a good judge because it's time for today's solitary confinement act we call them the porridge jugglers here we go come on thumbs up the act got a treat and thumbs down they were subjected to a cruel and unusual punishment i'm assuming it was usually gunge no no no it happened off stage and you heard it happen okay in

[01:15:04] season six it happens on stage and it's gunge right okay so they jumped the shark at that point i'm hearing gunge gunge yeah it to be fair it looked kind of like really thick red pepper hummus rather than your classic gunge that's horrible i do love red performers not all over your face you know no no and these acts were deliberately bad and the only one i remember because it instantly entered

[01:15:34] the lexicon of my family household and we referenced it so much over the years was flat so much this morning yeah flat pack monkey so flat pack monkey was a man in a monkey suit that tried to assemble some flat pack and then gave up and i honestly that sounds funny to me yeah it's hilarious i call my dad flat pack monkey he wants he wants built a new wardrobe in my room and then i had to get me and my mum to come move the

[01:16:03] wardrobe out of the way because he built himself into the corner behind the wardrobe i've done something similar yeah the thing about flat pack monkey is that it's the kind of like stupid shit that i would go see at the fringe and be entertained by like i said this it's so fringe bait it's very dada it's very avant guard and i like it obviously they got a thumbs down because it's for kids don't appreciate yeah kids don't yet appreciate surrealism i feel like if i'm if i'm not

[01:16:32] specifically having a good day most of the time i feel spiritually like flat pack monkey you think i could do it now i can get every tummy mr burgess arrange a special cell hats off to him he's extremely marvelous i love the portrait he did of governor right and do you think you could sum that act up with a face for me yeah that's what you think of him in in a physical representation is it there's one act

[01:17:01] where a guy paints a painting if he will he does a bob ross on stage upside down and when he turns it around it's the governor and when they're interviewing the kids a girl's like well it's just not very good is it like and um ian kirkby's like what are you saying that you could do better and she's like yeah i've done loads better than that it's like you're nine no you haven't it's actually really good unless she's a prodigy he's done it in 30 seconds well an act with a difference there what did you make

[01:17:30] of that young lady that was not what cat quite what i expected it could have been better in what way could it have been better because everybody can do paintings oh really and what's your great masterpiece lurking on the mantelpiece i've done a lot yeah what in the in the style of gainsborough picasso anything like that yeah oh you do all that do you madam i can do better than them you can do better than them i look forward to you winning the turner prize madam you can you can tell how

[01:18:00] amused him and ted robbins are by the kids like i i really love these sections because there it's obviously a level of improv like kids are gonna do and say some weird things and i don't know what this kid was trying to say but after alicia dixon performed like random dancing and the kid said what about you

[01:18:28] sir um she was fantastic and flexible did you like the music there's nothing wrong with being flexible it's a very fine quality at least dixon organically laughs at that oh yeah that's a real laugh and ian kirkby says turns around to the audience who are laughing and says there's nothing wrong with being flexible it's a very admirable quality i don't know what the kid was trying to say yeah also because she's all she

[01:18:57] does is sing a song and do a bit of a dance she's very flexible you didn't say that about the consortium did you i love that the kids are like taking notes while they're watching i love it oh yeah they've got no pads yeah they've got like uh clipboards or something they're all taking notes i love it my favorite audience member is the kid in a full arsenal strip the b-roll of the audience is just so entertaining like that with with the um quick change artist there's this one

[01:19:26] little kid and he just looks so baffled he's like what wow how and then some of them look so unimpressed it's just it's it's beautiful do you know what would be the most impressive version of quick change is like historical quick change there's so much clothing if you're doing history stuff lots of underwear lots of underwear and i'm like just trying to that would be so impressive if you've got like tudor quick

[01:19:54] change surely surely by tudor standards though quick change would be doing it in an hour yeah different timescales they're like oh you did it in 10 minutes i'm so impressive in a final word madam for you see if we can do it in one this time unbelievable unbelievable so we've got one word answer one final word miss um come on um effortless effortless sir

[01:20:22] thank you all right give us two um at the beginning it was funny well you're doing old spiel now we asked for one word go on do your comments in and uh if we could sum that act up in one final word with you sir scrubulous scrubulous sir scrubulous at the end of every act sorry every interview section mr burgess says to one of the kids and sir they've got to do it in one

[01:20:51] word and sometimes because they're awful eight they can't do it they say like absolutely amazing and he's like no and he always brings them up on it and there was one episode where the kid just wasn't getting it and um frank frank mr burgess was trying to like just really genuinely trying to get him to say it and it's getting quite heated it's like a joke and then you can hear

[01:21:21] ted robbins from the other side of the room going leave him alone frank he's just a kid he first named him i love it when when they actually get a bit argumentative with the kids i do think it's really funny my supervisor used to have a project in prisons like helping them basically be performers like do my supervisor used to be in prison she and one of my uh one of the other group leaders they would go

[01:21:50] to a prison they'd like help them make a radio show because they can only broadcast prison made radio in prison so they would help them there was like a whole project they did for years but then covid stopped it prisoners are getting more opportunities than i am it would only broadcast within prison so it's a small opportunity pool a lot of djs that started off in is it greg james you started off on like hospital radio or something and i don't quote me on this because this is a heart a story that's

[01:22:20] probably gone through like three people but someone told me that i think it was greg james started off on hospital radio and it took a year of him doing it for them to realize that it hadn't been being brought no something like that i mean it's a good it's a good place to practice hospitals yeah yeah prison you come out of prison you're like got seven years dj experience let's go if i've got that story wrong please someone message on instagram oh my god

[01:22:49] um someone found the mcdonald's from the previous episode that you mentioned that you used to go to as a kid and it is in bracknell yeah you're right yeah it's in bracknell that's so weird yeah it's the keep the keep okay mcdonald's the keep mcdonald's the keep because it's got a really nice willow tree thank you very much yeah for helping us out with that we do appreciate it we said someone tell us and you came and you did you did thank you guys and i lost mr burgess although i think i know the answer

[01:23:19] what's for tea mr burgess oh it's a bargain bucket tonight sir oh what's in the bucket sloppy floppy porridge sir i might have known it take him off to the south another kind of catchphrase that they introduce so what are you what have we got we've got how do you look divine it's showtime who's the governor you're the governor one word who's the governor who's the governor one thing they introduced a little bit later was they

[01:23:48] would say what the prisoners were having for tea that night and it was always sloppy floppy porridge and there was always a joke built in like made you think that it wasn't going to be that and then it always was and mr burgess took great delight in revealing all of the prison money on the performing section not spending any on food exactly yeah exactly and mr burgess loved this because he likes being cruel to prisoners zimbardo anyone like what

[01:24:17] and the phrase sloppy floppy porridge you know how like phrases within households can kind of move and shift like jazz so in our flat yes yeah we have we use scent boosters in our laundry yes and we called them smelly pebbles yes which eventually became smebbles yes and when we couldn't get those anymore and we had to use the liquid yeah we would continue calling it smebbles so

[01:24:49] as i've said my parents loved this show and sloppy poppy porridge became a kind of catchphrase in the house shorthand yes shorthand and they have two ways of making coffee they drink a lot of coffee these two yes i know you do as well no no no no i'm just like how is sloppy what is it where's this going where's this going yeah yeah okay they've got two ways of making making coffee one is instant

[01:25:18] and one is like whichever fancy way they've adopted so it's a french press at the moment it was a fancy yeah it was a machine at one point they don't do that anymore and when they are offering the other one a coffee they will say do you want an instant or a proper one and that became an instant or a proper which then became instant or proper sloppy porridge

[01:25:48] which then became proper sloppy you come downstairs in the morning and one of them's going instant or sloppy and you go back upstairs you say it like you say it like it's a joke that is what happens it doesn't sound like coffee it doesn't sound like coffee does it for years still now still now

[01:26:17] what 20 years on instant or proper sloppy like a nice coffee in their kitchen means a proper sloppy that's not what it means to us no well clearly you you hear why we're laughing right you do see why we're laughing no it sounds like okay that was a true

[01:26:47] instant or sloppy I don't I still don't understand you're gonna have to explain it a little bit more to me you're gonna have to spell it out I'm a visual learner every way I can think of to explain it like visual it's gross I just am trying to get through to you how much this show means to me and how much of an impact it has had on my life

[01:27:16] would you rather we didn't laugh at it no right sometimes when I'm chatting with my parents and we're talking about the past um they'll say oh and do you remember do you remember this and do you remember the slammer and we would all sit down and watch the slammer do you remember those days and if I was a more sentimental person I would probably make the leap to the slammer being like the byword for do you remember when all our kids were in primary school and we would sit down um of an afternoon on Friday and and watch tv together

[01:27:46] but I'm not that much of a sentimental person and I genuinely believe that they are talking about how much they love the slammer that could be the case yeah they just love that show yeah that could very easily be the case yeah no it definitely is it's got nothing to do with us all the passage of time they just love it what should we start calling sloppy sloppy poppy it's plop I can't say it it's not easy proper sloppy proper sloppy proper sloppy what should we start calling that

[01:28:17] no what do we do what could we call that just just like all of the one pot vegan meals that we make because so so much vegan food is just delicious slop we eat so much delicious slop in this house yeah we do I love a bit of delicious slop slop especially if it's got some pastry when we what is it like a pie yes when we make fajitas we sit down and we go oh yeah

[01:28:46] it's just a lot of tasty paste isn't it a lot of tasty paste so much we always say it so much cooking is just tasty paste you watch master's hoof and you're like oh tasty paste tasty paste tasty paste and a potato that's it I love tasty pastes all right then you lovers of lawbreakers let's decide who is going to be walking free from the slammer once again who do you think

[01:29:16] you should go all right well you can decide in a minute because they're coming back on stage I feel like there should be more to say about this I don't know because there's so much of it like I could only fit so much into my research period yeah intro oh my god yeah the intro slaps so um except it does contain the word minstrel oh which is like not okay I see when I hear the word minstrel I think

[01:29:46] like loot bard like I think well that's that's what I was gonna say like it's not okay it's just not okay to say it because of the implications but like they obviously mean it in the other way yeah they don't mean it it's just awkward in the vaudeville way they mean it in the bardic way yeah with a modern audience you probably should just abandon it I feel like if you push hard enough maybe the medieval version will become the predominant version but I doubt it um justice don't quote Laura on saying

[01:30:15] push hard enough to bring minstrel back but it's a great intro so it is it's so solid in my head it was like you've been found guilty of a showbiz crime so welcome to the slammer where you gotta serve your time for every kind of result artiste performing to the limits you're gonna try and get released

[01:30:43] so go fetch an audience and bring them to the slammer and polish up your acts with a bit of glitz and glamour their fate is in their hands so make them cheer and glamour it's the only way you'll ever leave the slammer leave the slammer it's the only way you'll ever leave the slammer woo no wait it's so well yeah question for it because I I remember

[01:31:13] the people intro like the first season however many seasons there's people right it's live action intro yeah season six it was animated what no what yeah no I was like I started watching it I was like hang on a minute this is different right because I really really liked the intro I thought the the collection of people doing the like the sparkly I don't know what that performance is called the like the showgirls the chorus line yeah I really enjoyed those

[01:31:42] and then I was like wait a minute they're gone what it's animated what it was instead of having people it was an animated intro same song but animated what I didn't like was how the intro was ever so slightly changed between like series two and three or series one and two like the the original original is my favourite and then it is ever so slightly changed you might not even notice it but I notice it and I don't like it as much yeah instead of it being a chorus of people singing it's like one woman singing yeah

[01:32:12] and it's fine it's whatever it just doesn't go as hard no it doesn't but I really like the intro and then they made it animated and I was like I usually am so for animation but this is worse that's such an unusual thing to do it's not even like money saving you've got you've got that intro already it's literally spending money for no apparent reason really odd to me it was maybe they're trying to fit in with the wider like school kids show vibe like maybe maybe that's the only thing I can think or they lost the footage

[01:32:42] of the original but that doesn't make any sense even though it's yeah yeah yeah I've been watching it on YouTube yeah no I know yeah that's why I'm saying it doesn't make any sense to me so that's the slammer loved it would you recommend people go back and watch it oh my god yeah yeah I had a lovely time so I'd never seen it before and I really enjoyed I actually had a really lovely time if you like variety if you like Harry Blatt Harry Blatt if you like kids being funny yeah yeah no it is it is good I'd recommend a rewatch or a watch

[01:33:12] yeah I'm I just really appreciate the fact that it got made like it's an unusual pitch yeah very strange I don't think it would get made now which is unfortunate quite expensive like they got the best juggler in the world to perform they got Yuri Geller mate they got Yuri Geller they got McFly they got Yuri Geller and they didn't even make him perform really bizarre yeah because what's he doing standing on stage with a bunch of spoons what does he normally do is he still doing that I don't know I don't know I think he just talks

[01:33:41] about the power of the mind oh because that's how he was bending spoons you could bend this spoon no I guess technically yes but no so yeah weird show love it um very important to uh understanding why loads ward household yeah understanding why I am the way I am I mean do you think that I would be doing this if my parents weren't so into watching kids tv and like making me watch it with them no I feel like making you watch it

[01:34:11] with them is interesting well you have to they they knew we liked it but I get the feeling they liked it more and watching it now I do understand why and I feel like the being obsessed with kids tv to making a podcast about kids tv pipeline is is strong oh yeah it's a straight pipe yeah it's it is I I think that is maybe the reason I am here today they also showed me

[01:34:41] a lot of VHS as a very old kids tv and I think that they did force that not force but they encouraged me to be interested in it and to realize that adults can also enjoy it so and then you know you get together with a bunch of other people who think about media too much and here we are yes here we are yeah take them back to the cells Mr Burgess well that's it from us they're going free Keith and Orville you've been marvellous join us again soon from everyone here in the Slammer take care and remember if you can't sing dance or rhyme

[01:35:10] don't do the crime bye bye everybody bye bye so you can follow us on twitter at thoughts underscore underscore tv you can find us on instagram at Thots TV the o is a zero and on tiktok at thoughts tv pod you can email us at thoughts tv 2002 at gmail.com that's it well done I don't know she's just woken up my no my words have been a bit more difficult lately um uh we have the patreon and discord

[01:35:38] linked on all the socials and by the time this goes out our live show will have been performed and done so you're too late thank you if you came yes thank you so much thank you very much it was a great night I'm sure it will be it was it was yeah all right if you can't sing dance or rhyme do the crime oh don't do the crime come on

[01:36:06] this podcast is part of Podomedy the uk's podcast comedy network why not laugh at what else we've got

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