Race to Edinburgh - Part Two

[00:00:00] Ever catch yourself eating the same flavorless dinner three days in a row? Dreaming of something better? Well, HelloFresh is your guilt-free dream come true baby. It's me, Kiki Palmer. Let's wake up those taste buds with hot juicy pecan-crusted chicken or garlic butter shrimp scampi. Mmm, HelloFresh.

[00:00:20] Stop dreaming of all the delicious possibilities and dig in at HelloFresh.com. Let's get this dinner party started. I'm Sandra, and I'm just the professional your small business was looking for. But you didn't hire me because you didn't use LinkedIn jobs.

[00:00:37] LinkedIn has professionals you can't find anywhere else, including those who aren't actively looking for a new job but might be open to the perfect role like me. In a given month over 70% of LinkedIn users don't visit other leading job sites. So if you're not looking on LinkedIn,

[00:00:51] you'll miss out on great candidates like Sandra. Start hiring professionals like a professional. Post your free job on LinkedIn.com slash spoken today. On their race to Edinburgh, the champ and Damo have secured a ride. But tensions are running high.

[00:01:44] Damo, I've had a chat to Viv from Aldi. Good, because she owes me an apology. She says that if you apologize to her, she'll forgive you. For what? That woman owes me a week's worth of shopping. Sour grapes. Exactly. She crushed a whole bag on that day. Exactly.

[00:02:04] She crushed a whole bag on the checkout. Viv from Aldi is lethal. Do you know what she is? She's a fast scanner. A fast scanner? A fast scanner. Oh, I'm still getting a lift off her. Well then what about me?

[00:02:18] This is a competition and you, my anxious little friend, are my enemy. And where are your scruples? I had them lasered off to the door. Hey wait! Champ, you nicked all my money. Oh, you low down rotten thieving backstabbing Judas. Damo pays a visit to a pawnbroker.

[00:02:45] No, no, I can't accept that. This stuff is too valuable. Look, we've got a genuine pub wrestling federation Hall of Flame bracelet. Chrome plated from Argos. Nice. A pen that the Ginger Ninja used to sign his very first pro contract with the PWF,

[00:03:02] back when it was the PWE. And a rare Gene Snitsky action figure. Plus the credit card that Jeff Hardly used to cut his final line of coke before a near fatal heart attack during Nightmare at Western Supermare. So I can't go any lower than 500 for the lot.

[00:03:20] Alright, what about 400? Come on, it's gotta be 300. 200? Right, well I mean, 80's still good. Isn't it? I can still do something with 80. Hello? That's weird. There's not a single person on the platform. This station's emptier than camera side seats at an AEW live event.

[00:04:01] I could be here for ages. Now where's the next train due, let's see. And I bet when it turns up it'll be packed. I mean why sell me a seat when it's really a stand? Oh hang on, here we go. Okay... Uh, no passengers on this one.

[00:04:29] Not a single person. Oh well, I mean at least I'll get a seat. This train is deserted. What's going on? Wait, wait, wait, let me out, let me out! I'm phobic! Mainly claustro! No! I'm former head of interrogation, J*****l,

[00:05:02] and in my new podcast, The Truth About Lies, I'm back for more answers. During a 30 year career, I've made known criminals sweat, squirm, cry, and shit their pants. So I thought, why not do it all again, and rake in some lovely ad revenue at the same time?

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[00:05:56] Conversations that actually help you get to know each other. Imagine that! Get who gets you on eHarmony. Sign up today. I'm Sandra, and I'm just the professional your small business was looking for. But you didn't hire me because you didn't use LinkedIn jobs.

[00:06:10] LinkedIn has professionals you can't find anywhere else, including those who aren't actively looking for a new job, but might be open to the perfect role, like me. In a given month, over 70% of LinkedIn users don't visit other leading job sites. So if you're not looking on LinkedIn,

[00:06:25] you'll miss out on great candidates like Sandra. Start hiring professionals like a professional. Post your free job on linkedin.com slash spoken today. Why is it shaped like a baloney pony? Only one piece of baloney, but that don't matter! Wrestling with the champ. 2 AM.

[00:06:53] The Ginger Ninja is riding up front with an old friend. It is very kind of you to do this for me. I love winning. Do you love winning? I guess given how fast you throw root vegetables down the checkout, you do too. Heh.

[00:07:08] How can I say thank you? What? Now? In backseat? I don't think there's room. You'll just fold yourself in half? Well... I mean, that's very accommodating, Viv. But... Well, no. Yes. I do find you attractive. It helps that it's dark outside.

[00:07:32] That you wear the same fancy perfume as Sharon. Chonce from Primark. I mean... I guess we could. Just a quick one though. D'Amour will be on me ass before I know it. No, no. I don't want to feel another man's balls slapping against mine. Unless...

[00:07:50] Unless me life absolutely depended on it. And can you imagine that kind of scenario? You want to get it on here? At 11 crossing? No, no. Not in my mouth. No! You're going to have to be safe with that. It's claymore. Claymore! I'm so fucking hot. Oh, oh. Oh.

[00:08:19] I'm going to get a... I don't know what to say. Ah. Ah. Ah. Oh. Wow. Here, Viv. Were it good for you? I came three times. What do you mean you wouldn't know? I had me dick inside where? Between two seat cushions. The whole time! Oh.

[00:09:03] Makes sense now. Thought you felt a bit leathery. In that case... Want to go again? No, right. You've got a shift in 20 minutes. Maybe some other time. I'll get out here in... Newcastle? Ha ha! The proper north. Guess who ought be needing this coat or this posh accent.

[00:09:28] Oh, and watch out for that seat buckle. It might be a bit sticky when you click back in. Wait! Wait! I'm naked from the belly button down. I need to cover me giant monasty. Viv! Viv! At the same time, Damo is trapped on a speeding train.

[00:10:06] Whoa. I mean, this train almost came up its rails. I... I'm going to go and find the driver. Excuse me, driver? Don't you think we're going a little fast? Shit! There's no driver! Train base. Train base. This is... Speeding train. Come in, over. Train base.

[00:10:33] This is speeding train. If anyone can hear me, I'm in the cabin. There's no driver, no passengers. It's just me, right? And I don't know where this thing is going, but it seems to be going there very fast. If you've got any advice, please send it over. Over.

[00:10:51] You seem to be in a spot of bother. Yeah, hilarious, mate. Hilarious. What are you doing up there? I'm on a race to Edinburgh for a wrestling show. I manage a wrestler. Do you know Adrian Street? Awfully wrestler, it was. Lovely.

[00:11:07] Hey, you don't watch OSW by any chance, do you? They should do some of them old-school RTV classics. Why don't you tell me how I can slow this bloody train down and then we can talk about all that stuff? Oh, right, right, right.

[00:11:21] Listen, are you travelling on the ZX815M1 or the ZX815M2? Because you really want to be on the ZX815M1. I mean, how do I know that? How can I tell? Right, well, look out for a big button marked stop. Right. Big button, big button.

[00:11:43] Oh, got it! Yeah. Come on, baby. Don't let me down. Nothing. Oh. Er, are you subscribed to the premium package or the essential package? I'm not a train driver. And you never will be with that attitude. Right, then what can I do?

[00:12:03] What I want you to do is this. Come into first class, lift up the seats, grab all the hidden bows and find a can of rubricant. I mean, were they combined somehow to make a special fluid that can stop the train?

[00:12:17] Er, no, but drink it and you'll die a hell of a lot less painfully. Trey base out. 4am. Stark naked in the middle of Newcastle, the champ decides to get resourceful. What I'm doing here on Dean Street is I'm trying to fashion a loincloth

[00:12:44] from the biggest bit of road Kilgoyne. The third of this here badger, I've nicknamed him in death Brian, is large enough that I can wrap it around my waist, walk into a 24-hour McDonald's and get something to eat.

[00:13:02] Note to self, the dripping blood may present a slip hazard. They'll have to put out one of those yellow triangles and bit lively with mop. Urgh! Ha! Urgh! Oh, Brian, your spinal cord isn't easy to slice through with a rough end of a credit card.

[00:13:23] Oh, you little bastard. Ha ha! Oh, that's really on there, innit? Urgh! Humpin' with the Deans and... Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm. Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm. Urgh! Mm-hmm! Wrestling with the champ. I'm gonna take him. Woo! 8.15am. What did I drink last night?

[00:14:11] Ah, my head. Urgh! I must have fallen asleep. Hey, I'm not dead. I'm not dead? I'm not dead! Ha ha! The train must have hit the buffers or something. I don't know, but I don't care. Wait, then where am I? Let's see. Sign says, Cockermouth.

[00:14:37] Oh, champ, I wish you were here. That one deserves a much better punchline. But if my geography's right, I'm only a few miles from the border with Wee Bonnie Scotland. Ha ha! Edinburgh, I'm coming for you. Next time, in the concluding part of Race to Edinburgh... Urgh!

[00:14:56] Can this agis go any faster? I can see the finish line. It's there! I made it with seconds to spare. Time for a quick vape. Like Rosie Gaines, I'm closer than close. Listen, pal, I just fucked the life out of a Ford Bronco. I can take on anything.

[00:15:23] Ever catch yourself eating the same flavorless dinner three days in a row? Dreaming of something better? Well, Hello Fresh is your guilt-free dream come true, baby. It's me, Kiki Palmer. Let's wake up those taste buds with hot, juicy pecan-crusted chicken or garlic butter shrimp scampi. Mm! Hello Fresh.

[00:15:43] Stop dreaming of all the delicious possibilities and dig in at HelloFresh.com. Let's get this dinner party started. Need new glasses or want a fresh new style? Warby Parker has you covered. Glasses start at just 95 bucks, including anti-reflective, scratch-resistant prescription lenses that block 100% of UV rays.

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[00:16:16] Go to WarbyParker.com slash covered to try five pairs of frames at home for free. Warby Parker dot com slash covered. Hi, this is Craig Robinson from Ways to Win. And support for this podcast comes from Invesco QQQ.

[00:16:32] The future isn't scary, not realizing its potential, however, could be. Just like on the recruiting trail, I've seen potential come in many forms as a coach. Learn more at Invesco dot com slash QQQ. Let's rethink possibility. Invesco Distributors Inc.