Warning: The world's worst icks lie ahead. You've been sending in yours and we're ready to call them all out. From projectile bodily fluids, high school hairstyles and dating profile quirks to men who raw dog leather... They're all here! Plus birthday memories from the birthday girl, Jahannah James.
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Follow Sophie Craig at https://www.instagram.com/itssophiecraig
Follow Jahannah James at https://www.instagram.com/jahannahjames
Part of Podomedy, the independent podcast comedy network.
00:00:00
Hello and welcome to dear Mr. Nick Thief.
00:00:02
I'm Sophie and I'm Johanna, and this is the podcast where we
00:00:05
used to read out my diary, but now we've opened up the floor to
00:00:08
you guys, so. Now we're going to read out
00:00:09
yours. Enjoy.
00:00:11
Enjoy and remember it's never too much.
00:00:14
It might be too much, OK. Hi, welcome back.
00:00:18
Welcome back. It's Johanna's birthday.
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It is. Happy birthday to you if you're
00:00:26
watching this and not listening to it.
00:00:28
I encourage you to watch it if you are not, because Johanna's
00:00:31
T-shirt is iconic, this is. I like that this is the gift you
00:00:36
gave me and. You've called it.
00:00:38
The iconic T-shirt that I bought, but it is iconic.
00:00:41
It is. I actually went to buy this on
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Instagram was like, Oh no, I really like it.
00:00:45
I don't know if I should, but so I'm really glad you did.
00:00:47
Yeah, it saw her. It is a T-shirt that says I had
00:00:51
my birthday at McDonald's. It's.
00:00:53
Very 90s, which if you know, Jay is I'm I I think I did well with
00:00:58
the. You did this.
00:00:59
Year this year. This year nostalgic 90s stuff.
00:01:04
I follow all those like accounts.
00:01:05
Oh my God. Like. 90s kids memories.
00:01:08
Yeah, I did the first like really Johanna thing.
00:01:11
Yeah, ever. This morning I was drinking my
00:01:14
coffee and I had Friends on in the background, as you do.
00:01:17
And then if you're a Friends fan, you'll know the T-shirt
00:01:19
that Monica wears that says Girlfriends, and it's got the
00:01:22
little, like, washing line on it.
00:01:25
I went and bought that because I was like, that's so cute.
00:01:27
And I was like, Oh my God, I've just done a Johanna.
00:01:29
I've done a Johanna because you'd be all.
00:01:31
You're inspired. By yeah, everything.
00:01:33
So the music I listen to is stuff that I've heard on a
00:01:36
series or a film or whatever. I don't listen to like modern
00:01:39
day charts. I listen to like film stuff well
00:01:42
and things like my favorite hobby is collecting outfits from
00:01:46
the movies. Which one fact did you know what
00:01:50
ASOS stands for? No, the original concept, no.
00:01:54
So ASOS starts. The original concept of ASOS was
00:01:58
a website you could go to called As Seen on Screen, Yes.
00:02:03
And it it was supposed to be linking things or similar
00:02:06
things. So if you saw something insects
00:02:07
in the city that you liked, ASOS would be like, well, I've got
00:02:10
pink rah rah skirts that you can buy from here.
00:02:13
And then it turned into its own thing, right?
00:02:15
But that's a bit of me. Always wondered what that stood
00:02:17
far as seen on screen. There you go, a little bit of
00:02:20
trivia fire there that that. Next time that gets asked in a
00:02:23
pub quiz, I'll be ready. Other other websites are
00:02:27
available. For you, I'll put you 2 on a
00:02:28
sponsor. But if you would like to sponsor
00:02:30
us. We would like that, yeah, very
00:02:32
much, actually. This top is for my sauce, yeah.
00:02:36
As seen on screen. As seen on screen now.
00:02:38
Thank you, but. What's that?
00:02:40
Reverse Google image search it and it should come up from last
00:02:44
year. But that's I've done it since I
00:02:46
was a kid. I remember I would watch
00:02:49
something and apparently you give me 15 minutes and I'd be
00:02:52
going and finding the closest ensemble that I could and I'd
00:02:55
come out. Johanna wears clothes that
00:02:57
literally like if I put them on, I would be the uncoolest person
00:03:01
in the world. No, but on you.
00:03:03
No, no, but on you they look amazing.
00:03:06
If I came out wearing what was it you wore last week?
00:03:08
And you were like, oh, the leopard print jump like joggers
00:03:12
A at shirt that says don't be a dig and you had a green wool.
00:03:15
Thing on my green. Julet a Gru Julet and you're
00:03:18
like, oh, I feel like the Grinch.
00:03:19
If I wore that, I wouldn't I would not rock it.
00:03:23
You, however rock it like yeah, she has like the best fashion
00:03:29
and I like yeah, I I can't I'm on the.
00:03:32
Flip side, I couldn't wear what you wear and pass it off like
00:03:36
because you were like classic lady tailoring and you and.
00:03:40
I don't know about. You do you wear like nice beige
00:03:44
clothes and things. I guess it's like you have the
00:03:48
brownies, you have you, you, you, you get tailoring things.
00:03:53
But because you're very like young and pretty, it looks
00:03:55
really sorry pretty. Young.
00:03:57
All right, grandma, you're searching.
00:03:59
But I'm old now. It's my birthday.
00:04:02
I. She's two years older than me,
00:04:04
which means she's. That means I'm I am injured.
00:04:07
But yeah, both of our styles on the other one would look weird.
00:04:11
I I feel so uncomfortable in like classic wear formal wear.
00:04:16
But when you say it depends that I cut my tight clothes.
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And I. I get really angry.
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I like a baggy. A baggy.
00:04:23
I like baggy, but like, yeah, it's tailored baggy, oversized I
00:04:28
guess, but you can have. Tailored and oversized.
00:04:30
So it's like it's oversized on purpose, but then it's pulled in
00:04:33
exactly where you need it to be. Yeah, but you wear tight stuff.
00:04:36
But even then, like, it's still like, cool.
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Like you're better at it. Yeah, you're good, but you wear
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but you're like, even if it's like feminine, you make it
00:04:43
Johanna. Like it's just it's.
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Just throwing compliments at them.
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You're amazing. No, no, no.
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You are No, but like if you've got a dress or something on your
00:04:53
whack on a pair of docks with it, yes.
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I have to balance, Yeah, if I feel it's really weird, if I
00:04:58
feel. Too too feminine or too he
00:05:01
doesn't feel. I'm like something's not right.
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And then I back a big pair of army boots on or like a
00:05:05
backwards cap and I'm like, I'm ready.
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Yeah, whereas I'm like, I don't know, I'm feminine, but like
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casual feminine. Like I couldn't wear a band old
00:05:15
dress, like that's my idea of hell and stilettos and like or
00:05:18
like a corset and I don't know, like I'm getting better.
00:05:22
You wear. Neutrals and then you add the
00:05:25
feminine on top. That's what you.
00:05:27
Do at the house. So do you remember when you met
00:05:28
me? I never used to wear my hair
00:05:29
down ever. Sophie I look back at old 4 oars
00:05:33
and I'm like what was I thinking?
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Sophie Never. Wore her hair down.
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She had the tightest ponytail. I mean, it was a fantastic
00:05:39
ponytail because you've, you've got a lot of hair.
00:05:41
I was a hot hair. I've got like 3 hairs.
00:05:43
And so my my ponytail, I look like if I put my hair in a
00:05:47
ponytail, I look like a founding father.
00:05:53
To be fair, that was me. I was at the founding father.
00:05:55
Like no. You you had that like a very
00:05:58
tight high Ariana Grande horse tail coming out of your head and
00:06:02
it was great, but. But I didn't ever wear it.
00:06:04
Never. Wore it down and I'd be like,
00:06:05
whenever you put your hair down, I was like, wow, where you at if
00:06:08
I had your hair? So yeah, I pay hundreds and
00:06:10
hundreds of pounds sometimes to have extensions that look
00:06:13
something like yours. And you'd be, you put it down
00:06:16
like, no, can't you hearts put it up?
00:06:18
Yeah. And then what happened?
00:06:20
You just want they got. Divorced.
00:06:24
I got a divorce and I realized. I'm beautiful.
00:06:28
I look great with my hair down. What?
00:06:31
Was I doing? No, I don't know.
00:06:32
Yeah. Getting more comfortable in my
00:06:34
own skin. I don't know.
00:06:34
It was a security blanket for me.
00:06:36
I. Thought I always thought I
00:06:37
looked. Fat with my hair down?
00:06:38
Really. Yeah, it's the opposite.
00:06:40
But no, for a long time. Like my face is the same shape
00:06:44
as it was like when I was at uni.
00:06:46
And then for like a, when I get stressed, I, I grind my teeth
00:06:50
and then I don't like what you call cortisol face as well.
00:06:53
So if I'm stressed, I grind my teeth and then I also get
00:06:56
cortisol face, which is where like you're, you're just puffy.
00:06:59
And I used to think that made my me look fat.
00:07:02
I've heard your hair down. Yeah, so I used to try and like
00:07:05
pull it up by having my hair up, pull it back.
00:07:07
Yeah, pull it back, like balance it out, match the favour.
00:07:10
Actually all what I really needed was some layers and some.
00:07:14
And yeah, because it was long, but it was also like shapeless.
00:07:16
Oh yeah, it was a bit, yeah. And then?
00:07:19
Straight down, do you? Remember.
00:07:20
Do you remember when I had like one of my nerves broke down?
00:07:25
Do you remember? Do you remember when I was the
00:07:26
nervous? Breakdown of 17 do you remember?
00:07:28
Yeah, no. And I cut my hair.
00:07:31
We went to Hersh. Hershson's other hair songs are
00:07:33
available. But they did butcher my hair.
00:07:35
We went there and I went to go and have it cut.
00:07:38
And it was really long. And I was like, look, I'll go
00:07:39
collarbone. Like, we'll go cute.
00:07:40
And it was growing. They just went and I left it
00:07:43
crying. Yeah.
00:07:44
And it was like the shortest. We went for the same haircut.
00:07:49
I was off. I looked and I I got a good guy
00:07:51
because. You wanted that though as well,
00:07:53
though. I wanted collarbone.
00:07:54
Yeah, but. I see what will happen, what
00:07:56
went wrong? Is my hair's so.
00:07:58
Thick. She was so concerned about it
00:08:00
looking triangle. You kept asking her to keep
00:08:02
layering, to keep thinning it, but whereas she wasn't
00:08:05
understanding that you needed it thin from the top, not the
00:08:08
bottom. So she was thinning out and
00:08:09
thinning out and thinning out and you were going.
00:08:11
It's still too thick. It's still too thick and.
00:08:12
You think it's a good thing when like, you're at a point in your
00:08:15
life where you're like, Oh my God, everything's off.
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I just, I just need to cut off my hair.
00:08:19
Don't do it. I've done it a couple of times
00:08:22
and then do you remember when I had those highlights put in to
00:08:25
try and like help it? Just give it a bit more because
00:08:28
I mention because I look like Lord Farquhar because my hair
00:08:30
naturally is pitch black, pitch black, Snow White with the black
00:08:34
I'm Ebony. And it needed like some like it
00:08:38
needed something because I was like Lord Farquhar sort of snip
00:08:40
going like on like it wasn't good.
00:08:42
And it was the most awful orange stripes through my hair.
00:08:47
So I came to you and you rescued it then very emo and it was
00:08:50
orange. And then I was like, I got
00:08:53
extensions for the first time in my life because I was like, I
00:08:55
just didn't feel like me. And I wore extensions for like a
00:08:58
year. But what's the shame?
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It's a shame you had a bad experience because when you get
00:09:01
a bad short haircut. I've done it twice in my life.
00:09:05
No, no, it's awful. And you've had two bad short.
00:09:07
When you get a good short haircut, it is really cool.
00:09:11
Yeah. I can't risk it.
00:09:13
No, no, you would suit A. Good.
00:09:16
I knew exactly if I could have a go at your hair, I knew what I
00:09:19
would do. Every time I've nearly ended up
00:09:20
with a Pixie cup and it's not good, no, no, no.
00:09:23
And it's really sad. And then when it grows out, I
00:09:25
look like Lord Farquaad. So it's a Snape.
00:09:28
Or when it wears a bit greasy, I like Snape.
00:09:30
And when it's clean I look like Farquaad because it's like, like
00:09:33
SpongeBob SquarePants. So yeah, note self don't ever do
00:09:37
that again. On the, on the no extensions, I
00:09:42
think very, very hair disasters and hair cutting all your hair
00:09:46
off and all that. It's part of it's part of the
00:09:48
process of being a girl and also it's character building because
00:09:53
I've had so many hair disasters and I've lost all my hair
00:09:55
before, like all my buzz cut. All yes, that that one that you
00:09:59
had. So I didn't know Jay when she
00:10:02
had this haircut, but she had half of her head shaved off
00:10:06
shaved. The other half was a mullet.
00:10:07
And the other half was a mullet. I had some stripy lime.
00:10:10
I, I I was scouted as a hair model and it went terribly,
00:10:13
terribly wrong. I'll find pictures we can
00:10:15
probably. Put pictures.
00:10:16
Oh my God, it's amazing. But.
00:10:18
It was actually in retrospect and one of the best things that
00:10:21
ever happened to me because it I had to cut, I had to just
00:10:25
boycott my whole hair to save it and it's character building and
00:10:31
I realized how much of me relied on my hair to.
00:10:34
Become a security. Blanket And when I lost that, I
00:10:37
just had to be like, right, Well, it's just me in the world.
00:10:40
Yeah, well, I've lost it twice and no, it doesn't count.
00:10:43
Didn't like it? If your hair is still below your
00:10:45
chin, that doesn't it. Wasn't the back of it is like
00:10:47
this? No, it wasn't.
00:10:48
Oh my God, it wasn't awful. It was.
00:10:50
Do you remember? No, I did a ponytail.
00:10:51
It was like, how was this? Like, ain't no Ariana Grande in
00:10:57
that. It was awful.
00:10:59
No, I couldn't get it in a Bony day, but.
00:11:00
Still, I wouldn't count short proper.
00:11:02
I think every girl once in your life should take all your hair
00:11:06
off because honestly it changes you as your character and then
00:11:10
you don't rely on it anymore. And it's not you're not a slave
00:11:13
to having. Long hair and feeling well, I'll
00:11:15
take my years of Croydon facelift ponytails as my like I
00:11:19
never had. I never had hair then really, it
00:11:21
was always in a ponytail. So I'll take it as that.
00:11:24
I won't be doing it again. It's really like, I don't like
00:11:26
short hair, but then you were like, but I'll have it.
00:11:29
I know. And I look back.
00:11:31
And I've got a widow's peak as well, right?
00:11:33
I used to be called Dracula at school for that.
00:11:35
I actually shaved that off once when I was little.
00:11:38
Yeah, would you look Unicorn? Yeah, the Unicorn.
00:11:40
I started to have a headband. For a while I I did that, not
00:11:45
that, but I I wanted to look like Matilda because obviously I
00:11:50
copy movies as I I watched Matilda and Matilda has a
00:11:54
fringe. Oh, I've done that.
00:11:55
And so I was at a friend's house, not even in my own house,
00:11:58
their friend's house went into their bathroom.
00:11:59
I found scissors in their house and I looked at the Matilda like
00:12:02
the VHS and I saw that the fringe kind of went to about
00:12:06
middle of her. Form a bowl cut.
00:12:08
So I pulled the front bit of my hair down and just cut there,
00:12:11
not realizing when you cut a fringe you have to cut from the
00:12:13
back and there's a whole like thing you have to do.
00:12:16
So I just went like this and it went and I was like I may have
00:12:20
made an error. Literally everybody in the 90s,
00:12:24
I had the. If I can find a picture of it,
00:12:27
it's hilarious. The worst book fringe.
00:12:29
I'm really surprised I've not given myself bangs.
00:12:31
Everybody's given themselves bangs, right?
00:12:33
Yeah, but thank you. I haven't.
00:12:35
I haven't given myself bangs for the last few years.
00:12:37
I'm really, really proud. But yeah, I had a fringe that
00:12:40
was like this, like thick. Yeah.
00:12:42
Helmet, head, fringe. And then one time when we were
00:12:46
on holiday in Wales, my mum was in the shower and my granddad
00:12:50
said he was going to cut our hair.
00:12:52
Oh no, it was crazy. Granddad, granddad, no, he put a
00:12:54
ball on our head and he just cut like this.
00:12:59
So it was like all over the place.
00:13:00
So my mum came up and I kid you not, she had to fix it.
00:13:03
And my fringe started here and here like literally the top of
00:13:06
my ears and went all the way. Around I would kill my dad if he
00:13:09
kept my kids. Happy because me and my sister
00:13:11
just had matching like proper bowl cuts.
00:13:14
It was it's that's so bad but also like don't give your kid a
00:13:18
fringe when a hair is that thick.
00:13:19
I remember. The hairdressers.
00:13:21
Do you remember? Everyone had nits.
00:13:23
Do you remember? Yeah, nits.
00:13:24
Yeah. And when?
00:13:25
There'd be a nits epidemic and there's always like, patient
00:13:28
zero, and then they have to send a letter out.
00:13:29
Yeah, well, we knew who Patient zero.
00:13:32
Was you always know who patient? Because these poor twins, I
00:13:36
think they were in the lower school.
00:13:39
The mum found nits on these twin girls, freaked out, shaved both
00:13:42
their heads. What couldn't deal with it
00:13:44
shaved them so they these twin girls came in with proper like
00:13:48
11 old school at least there was two of them it wasn't 1 you know
00:13:52
imagine being a girl on your own and you're like but so everybody
00:13:55
knew who had the knits and they. Why would you do that?
00:13:59
But a tea tree, I know, but a tea tree in a calm, you know
00:14:01
what I mean? It was two of them that can't be
00:14:03
asked that. I mean, I had the old school
00:14:06
that now you just, I think you just whack a bit of medicine on
00:14:08
and they all fall out or something.
00:14:10
It's like, really? No, you have to still brush out.
00:14:11
Oh, do you have to? Yeah, because their eggs cling
00:14:14
to the individual bits of hair. Yeah.
00:14:16
Damn it. Yeah, you've got all that.
00:14:18
I've got to look forward to. Oh, and she's going to have
00:14:20
curly hair. Oh, they're going to be nesting
00:14:22
right in they're. Going to get right in there.
00:14:25
Yeah. Cut my sister's fringe with some
00:14:27
Pete Rabbit scissors. Like I think it is a.
00:14:28
Right of it's a 5 passage. Passage for any any sort of
00:14:32
like. I managed to hide my Unicorn, my
00:14:36
Unicorn fringe because I, I, I put like a thick headband across
00:14:40
the top of my and then I lasted maybe a day or two and then my
00:14:43
mum was like, take the headband. It was like.
00:14:48
I gave you like a little shrimp here when I took your extensions
00:14:51
out. Oh yeah, you cut my weave,
00:14:53
didn't you? You cut my weave out and then
00:14:54
cut my actual hair. Just one strand, but it was like
00:14:57
it. Was just a little tuft.
00:14:59
It was about, it was about 5 centimeters.
00:15:02
Is it? Yeah, she's got a real issue
00:15:05
with science. It was like this and then just
00:15:10
six months. Every time I put my hair for a
00:15:11
ponytail. I haven't stopped.
00:15:13
That was like an antenna, but. Yeah, yeah, that's good.
00:15:19
But yeah, no, I like my widow's peak now.
00:15:21
Actually, might was one of the first things my boyfriend
00:15:23
noticed when he met me. So, like, you know, we were,
00:15:26
like, friends for ages. Yeah, I first met him.
00:15:28
Him because like he was like, because obviously I was like, I
00:15:32
would, I'm not after anything, nothing at all.
00:15:35
And he was OK. So instead of really like trying
00:15:38
to be like because I asked him why he said it and instead of
00:15:40
and he was like, I was just trying to find things to say
00:15:42
that wasn't like, you know, anything other than a date vibe.
00:15:46
And he was like, he sat down and I was like, hi.
00:15:49
And he's like, yeah. He's like, I really like your.
00:15:52
I was like, my, my, my, my V my widow's peak is like, yeah,
00:15:56
yeah, yeah, really cool. I was like.
00:15:58
Yeah, because it's not like I like your.
00:15:59
Eyes. No, I like you.
00:16:01
I like your Yeah, that's. I was like, right.
00:16:05
But he healed something in me, actually.
00:16:07
Yeah, yeah. And then I remember like when he
00:16:10
touched my hair like a few months later or whenever it was
00:16:12
a few weeks later and. He was like, he felt that.
00:16:15
Extensions. I was like, no.
00:16:16
And he was like, that's amazing. I was like, thank you.
00:16:20
These are all the. Lovely.
00:16:20
Like comments that were like, we have friends, don't panic, he's
00:16:25
so cute anyway, right? Hair disasters.
00:16:29
Hair disasters. That was a ton.
00:16:32
What is today's episode about? Today's episode is XX Yeah, and
00:16:38
a lot of people get icked out by people that use the word ick.
00:16:40
I found is ick an ick? Is it connect It?
00:16:44
Is an it because? It is.
00:16:46
It's always been there. We've always had it, always.
00:16:48
It's we've only recently like named it as a nick.
00:16:51
As a Nick. What would it have been?
00:16:52
It wouldn't. Be it's not a red flag, is it?
00:16:54
It's like, it's like a cringe. It's a cringe.
00:16:56
It's just like, oh, that's pretty cringy.
00:16:58
Yeah, that's cringy. So we've got.
00:16:59
Some So we put it out on the socials and it got.
00:17:03
A. Big response like thousands and
00:17:07
thousands of comments, which is really exciting so, but.
00:17:12
I'll go for it. The diary.
00:17:13
You're needing it. That was really beautiful.
00:17:19
Thank you for that, John. The transition.
00:17:22
Thank you. Analogue transition.
00:17:24
OK, so dear Mr. Nick, a thief, this doesn't have anything else,
00:17:31
she says spit on the ground. Actually one of my biggest.
00:17:35
Oh, when people spit. When people spit.
00:17:37
Yeah, by like, actually disgusting.
00:17:40
I actually walked past a man the other day that oh, he did.
00:17:43
He was just, he was just walking past and he just went like this,
00:17:46
like on his nose. I think I just so much nearly
00:17:48
blew out there. I did not explain.
00:17:50
That to like work. I don't, I don't think.
00:17:53
Did it work? No, I don't think so.
00:17:54
No, no, there's a bit of summer came out.
00:17:57
And I was like, I went to A and then he went, and then he went
00:18:01
and spat on the floor and I went, you're disgusting.
00:18:04
And he was like, oh, it was just like you, just like you just
00:18:07
emitting bodily fluids across the floor, like in the middle of
00:18:10
the street, like outside bloody Starbucks or the coffee shops.
00:18:14
Yeah, now when you see like yobs on the floor.
00:18:17
Disgusting. I remember actually on my way to
00:18:21
school and this is really funny. My friend, me and my friend
00:18:25
Danielle, big shout out to Danielle.
00:18:28
We would walk to school and we had this.
00:18:31
I don't know where it came from, but it was like a it is a paper
00:18:35
bag that we drew eyes on and called it the paper bag Monster,
00:18:38
right? And we had it every day.
00:18:40
In the 90s, you didn't have things.
00:18:42
You don't have a phone with paper bag monsters.
00:18:45
And there it flew off at one point and land and landed in
00:18:47
like something by this wall, by this woman's wall, right.
00:18:50
And we were gutted about it. So of respect we spat there like
00:18:54
for the paper bag monster every every day as we walked past just
00:18:57
we would go for the paper bag monster anyway, so we were doing
00:19:00
that every day we would walk to school, go past like RIP paper
00:19:04
bag monster and spit. I don't know where it came from,
00:19:06
I can't really remember. Anyway, we must have really lost
00:19:10
my mic there. Anyway, we must have been doing
00:19:12
this for. Weeks and weeks and one of the
00:19:13
days. We were like, RIP paper bag
00:19:15
monster. And then this man came running
00:19:18
out. He was like, get lost.
00:19:20
He was like, don't you, you stop fucking spitting on my mum's
00:19:23
wall. There's her property.
00:19:25
And we were like, it's for the paper bag monster.
00:19:28
We just ran and then we never got.
00:19:30
To He must have been watching you every day they like.
00:19:32
Girls are just spitting on my yeah, like proper chavs.
00:19:34
And actually, no, it was a mark of respect for the paper bag.
00:19:36
But where? Did you get that from?
00:19:38
I didn't, it was spitting. For I, I don't.
00:19:40
Know I, I know. This it this was the same girl I
00:19:42
wrote the letter to. DMS Nick Thief.
00:19:44
With right? OK, that makes.
00:19:45
Sense that explains everything. But.
00:19:47
Diani out with the name of the podcast.
00:19:50
The only spitting that that was appropriate and that I can be
00:19:53
down with don't. Say not insects.
00:19:57
No. Oh, a handshake.
00:20:00
No. Good.
00:20:01
Good. No, no.
00:20:03
Sorry if you're into that thing anyone, but no, no, no, no.
00:20:06
Absolutely, categorically no, no, It's a no for me.
00:20:10
Disgusting. That's a nick.
00:20:12
That's a bigot. Do not spit.
00:20:14
Do anything on yourself. No on me.
00:20:17
No, but no, even the spit handshake can't get down.
00:20:20
On that, but that no no is that is a code.
00:20:23
Of I'd rather blood. Well, that's the opposite that
00:20:26
you can like, well, yes, the true choices you have, isn't it?
00:20:28
You're like, do we do a blood handshake or do we spit on it?
00:20:31
No blood, I ain't doing spit. You cut me open and swap.
00:20:37
Make me bleed before I touch you off.
00:20:39
But but, but no, I've done a few, I've done a few spit
00:20:42
handshakes to, you know, seal some some heavy.
00:20:45
Still do it now, yeah. How about my house?
00:20:48
Thank you, Sir. Thank you, Barclays.
00:20:52
For the mortgage. Oh OK dear Mr. Nick, a thief.
00:20:57
Big ick for me is those blokes that wear no socks with smart
00:21:01
shoes. Oh yes, really?
00:21:04
I don't like a bare ankle, especially if they're wearing
00:21:06
like tight skinny jeans that are a bit short and then they've
00:21:09
just got like brogues on with no socks.
00:21:11
Oh no, it's the tight for me, it's the tight skinny.
00:21:13
Jeans. Well, that's also in it.
00:21:14
But like that, that's like another.
00:21:16
Level of it, but shoes that that don't and that you don't have.
00:21:19
Socks are men with like big upper bodies and skinny legs.
00:21:22
Can't be doing with that, sorry. Do your legs guys.
00:21:26
It's it's the near the I'm agreeing with when and when men
00:21:29
just wear like raw. I can't not think about it.
00:21:32
And I'm like, your feet are just in leather.
00:21:35
Raw dog in the leather. Raw dog in the leather there's.
00:21:38
Got to be sweaty in there. They're going to rub the
00:21:41
athlete's foot is. Real it's and I can't not.
00:21:44
I just wear, but then equally equally the people, the the, the
00:21:48
the like the little tight socks that you remember we used to get
00:21:50
when everyone used to wear Dolly.
00:21:51
Shoes. Oh, and you wear the little
00:21:52
little little toes. You just.
00:21:53
Literally hook over your toe and they heel.
00:21:56
Just curl up inside your toes. What's worse?
00:21:59
Oh, I don't know. OK, wait, question.
00:22:01
What's worse? I quite like an ankle sock.
00:22:03
A man in socks and sandals or brogues and no socks.
00:22:10
I'm going to say brogues and. No, I would do the same.
00:22:13
Socks and sandals. I'm not kind of here for it.
00:22:15
You kind of, it kind of gives the vibe that you're like so
00:22:18
cool that you don't care. You could style it out.
00:22:21
You could wear cool socks, Crocs, socks and Crocs.
00:22:26
Slightly less, no. I don't know if I prefer a croc.
00:22:29
I don't know the. Best money for OK, that's the
00:22:32
consensus we've. OK, that's a good one.
00:22:34
Yeah, but this is the skinny jeans with the brogues and the
00:22:38
especially poor guys. Sorry, you can't win.
00:22:40
I'm like, if you go to the gym, right, and you've got a big
00:22:43
upper body, fantastic. But if you're not doing your
00:22:45
legs, I know some people actually have slim legs, but if
00:22:47
you've got a big, big stacked upper body, you clearly work
00:22:50
out. Do your legs.
00:22:52
Yeah. Because you can topple over and
00:22:54
then don't wear skinny jeans. Or dress for your figure like
00:22:56
it's OK, but just dress. Equally though, they can't win
00:22:59
because if you've got mahoussive legs and they want to show them
00:23:01
off and put on skinny jeans, I can't deal with that either.
00:23:04
No I can't. I'm just like, no, either way,
00:23:06
I'm just really sorry. Just nobody needs a tight Jean
00:23:12
around the ankle. No, no, nobody does.
00:23:15
Women as well. Let's just keep it loose.
00:23:17
Skinny jeans that I heard they were coming back and like a
00:23:20
while ago and I was just like I can't get down with it.
00:23:22
You will not get me back in a skinny jeans.
00:23:23
How? Difficult.
00:23:24
Do you remember how difficult it was to get skinny jeans off in
00:23:26
the heat of the moment when you need to de robe?
00:23:30
I don't remember ever wearing skinny jeans during then.
00:23:33
You you didn't. But for us?
00:23:35
For us skinny Jean people, you would always, they would get
00:23:40
stuck because they're so tight. They need the thing and you're
00:23:43
trying to de robe and trying to do it sexily and you'd end up
00:23:47
having to be like or you would have to get them to help you
00:23:50
pull your jeans like inside out and then you get like one for
00:23:53
your foot would be stuck and then it would lose circulation.
00:23:55
It was it was a whole thing. Now you can just like unbutton
00:23:58
and drop. Yeah, because I'm all about the
00:24:01
oversized everything loose, not everything.
00:24:06
Oversized shoes I probably take a size 9.
00:24:12
Size shoe. You.
00:24:13
I'm an 8. Can't do that.
00:24:14
Sorry. Only 13.
00:24:15
I know. I'm 5 foot three.
00:24:17
Fine. You size 13.
00:24:19
Yeah. Anyway, dear Mr. Nick, a thief
00:24:24
is finding out he was taking me to the pictures that was 2 for
00:24:27
one, getting there for all the tickets to be sold out, then
00:24:31
taking me to the pub where I brought all my own drinks and he
00:24:33
waffled on all about himself. But his trick to Australia?
00:24:36
That's a very specific it. But I mean that is not a
00:24:40
universal it, but I understand. That would it could be out on a
00:24:43
date. I thought she was going to say
00:24:45
he took me for a 2 for one cinema and I was like that's not
00:24:47
a nick, that's a no. For the two guy no, but the two
00:24:50
for one cinema and getting then it all being sold out when?
00:24:53
Creeper. Nothing he can do.
00:24:54
About that though, he they're like it's like he's tried really
00:24:57
hard he's got there and he's like oh sold out no well just go
00:25:02
to the pub and then just talk about my trip to Australia No,
00:25:05
no, I hear that I remember going on a date once and this isn't
00:25:08
like me because you know me like I I'm not a dater yeah not at
00:25:11
all like the idea of dating frightens me I.
00:25:17
Oh, I love a date. Yeah, no, I've not like I, I, I
00:25:21
just don't. The whole thing of like multiple
00:25:23
people is no, I can't. I'm not too much pressure.
00:25:27
And so I went. The one date that I went on with
00:25:29
a random guy, I was like, I think 21.
00:25:35
You were young. I was young, 22.
00:25:37
I can't remember anyway. And I met him out in a club.
00:25:42
And then he was like, oh, let's swap numbers.
00:25:45
And then we met for dinner the next day.
00:25:46
I didn't remember what it looked like because I had quite a bit
00:25:48
to drink. And I met him and it was like.
00:25:51
And I had to do that thing, you know, we like you text your
00:25:54
friend. Yeah.
00:25:54
Please ring me. Oh, yeah.
00:25:56
To get out of. Oh, it was bad.
00:25:57
Sorry. Emergency popular.
00:26:00
Yeah. And he kept doing this with his
00:26:03
lips. Oh, and I was like, I was like,
00:26:06
I can't, I've got to, I need to leave.
00:26:08
Like, yeah, like just that stop. And he was just.
00:26:11
And then the worst thing was I had in my head that he was like
00:26:14
2524, He's 19 just. So I was like, goodbye.
00:26:20
But it was the mouth thing isn't, yeah.
00:26:23
And that matters when you're 21 and then 19, those three years.
00:26:26
No, but it does. It does.
00:26:28
Like now it doesn't matter. Like like it doesn't.
00:26:32
I don't know. It doesn't matter when you get
00:26:33
older. I don't know why.
00:26:35
OK, my, my ick with guys that I've dated is when they, when
00:26:44
they make pronunciation mistakes.
00:26:47
No, no, no, not all. It's like they're intelligent
00:26:50
people. They know it's wrong, but they
00:26:51
choose to say. It Oh my God, yes.
00:26:54
So I've got two of these I talked.
00:26:56
About boyfriend, My first boyfriend who used to call it
00:27:00
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. And I was like, you mean
00:27:04
massacre? And he's like, yeah, you know,
00:27:06
the Texas Chainsaw moussaka. I was like.
00:27:09
It's like saying meringue. Like meringue.
00:27:11
Yeah. About jalapenos.
00:27:12
I'm like jalapenos. Yeah, my sister does that.
00:27:15
I'm like the Texas chainsaw moussaka.
00:27:17
And it really gigged. Me out that you couldn't talk
00:27:20
properly. I was speaking to somebody quite
00:27:24
high up like a lawyer I think they were, and they used the
00:27:27
word Pacific instead of specific Pacific and Pacific or
00:27:30
pacifically. And I was like, you mean you
00:27:32
mean specifically? And then I had an estate agent
00:27:34
come round and she was looking around just like, yeah, yeah,
00:27:38
it's quite anesthetically pleasing.
00:27:39
I was like, anesthetically pleasing.
00:27:42
Anesthetically. Do you mean aesthetically?
00:27:46
Yeah, No, I. Can't.
00:27:47
Yes, I have a name for. People that say real conviction,
00:27:49
Yeah. Pacific.
00:27:50
No, I'm telling you, it's that Pacific one.
00:27:52
Yeah. Do you mean like the ocean?
00:27:53
Yeah, and my current fiance has one.
00:27:56
I'm going to call him out on it because your.
00:27:57
Current fiance My current fiance.
00:28:00
The current one, my current husband.
00:28:03
Are you married? Not currently.
00:28:05
Sometimes, occasionally. Depends on the season.
00:28:09
My fiance, he, he says, he doesn't say lasagna properly.
00:28:15
He says lasagna. Oh, no.
00:28:17
And and I've even, we've been in like Italian restaurants and I'm
00:28:22
like, sorry, can I have the and they're like lasagna.
00:28:26
I'm like, yeah, I'm like, see, they say it lasagna.
00:28:29
And he's like, yeah, lasagna, lasagna doesn't matter.
00:28:31
I was like, no, no, no, no, it's lasagna, lasagna, lasagna.
00:28:36
I'm like, what are you saying? Italian trying to be.
00:28:40
So that he knows that that is now because I I always bug him
00:28:43
about it. That's so funny.
00:28:44
OK, Dimas, naked thief. This is a This is universal.
00:28:47
OK, Missing teeth are rotten ones.
00:28:51
Oh yeah, rotten. Yeah, teeth are a big.
00:28:53
Thing, I mean, anyone take anyone in the world, beautiful
00:28:58
people, Margot Robbie, Johnny Depp, anyone take your front
00:29:01
tooth out. It's difficult.
00:29:04
That's hillbilly. It's just, it's just like, yeah,
00:29:07
just. Rotten teeth, I think.
00:29:08
I think though, that's probably a deeply, deeply like safety
00:29:13
evolutionary thing that we find that because.
00:29:16
If you're here we go every single podcast, we get a bit of
00:29:20
a bit of like a beautiful like it's theory or like a beautiful
00:29:24
like psychology lesson. I love.
00:29:25
This that one makes sense. That is, that's like an
00:29:28
intrinsically evolutionary ick that we have because if you
00:29:31
someone's got rotted. Teeth, they're infected.
00:29:34
It's like it's infected. It's infected.
00:29:36
And you're gone, and so you're. Have you got an absence?
00:29:38
Yeah. And back in the day, infected
00:29:41
teeth meant death. Yeah.
00:29:43
So, so if people miss teeth and stuff, they're not in a good
00:29:47
way. And it's a, it's a, it's a,
00:29:48
you're missing a sign of vitality.
00:29:50
So I think that one makes a lot of sense why we all because I
00:29:53
don't think anyone goes. Up to get your teeth done after
00:29:55
you've had your baby, apparently.
00:29:57
Because they take the calcium, don't they?
00:29:58
So go and get them checked, yeah?
00:30:00
My grandma when she was 27 had her second baby and with my mum
00:30:05
and after my mum was born every single one of her teeth fell.
00:30:09
And she did as well. 27 and it was like I mean back then
00:30:12
everyone got dentist by 30. But my nana's lost all her
00:30:15
teeth. Have to have a baby.
00:30:16
Yeah, babies. But I was like nobody, I haven't
00:30:19
heard of anyone do that. Now, obviously nowadays we've
00:30:21
got like diet, diet and dental care and everything.
00:30:25
My teeth have been bleeding quite a lot.
00:30:27
That's normal though. Apparently it is normal, but
00:30:29
it's also like horrible. Brush your teeth hard with HG as
00:30:33
well I imagine. Not that I know when their
00:30:37
dating profile just says own house, own car, own teeth.
00:30:42
Oh, a lot of teeth. When the dating profile says
00:30:44
that yeah, that would ick me out.
00:30:46
I I. Why do you need to mention that
00:30:47
you've got your own teeth? That does protect too much, Sir,
00:30:51
No. No, no, no, no, no.
00:30:53
Maybe it's a good thing because evolutionary, oh, maybe he, he's
00:30:57
like, I know that if I've got good teeth, I'm a good mate.
00:31:01
No, no disease here. Look.
00:31:04
Oh, someone who's put. This is trolling me actually.
00:31:06
Anyone with a Citroen tattoo on their wrist?
00:31:08
I have got a Viking rune on my wrist that does look like a
00:31:11
Citroen tattoo. That ruined me.
00:31:14
Gavin, that means create your own reality.
00:31:16
Oh, I thought I was having my nails done this way.
00:31:18
This way we sit more. Which also means create your own
00:31:22
logo. Create your own reality.
00:31:24
But I was sat in and the nails held on that long ago.
00:31:27
And the girl was like, oh, I have that too.
00:31:28
She was like, create your own reality.
00:31:29
I was like, yes, but everyone thinks it's citrus.
00:31:32
Either just was like I walked. Straight into that, didn't know.
00:31:34
This one mate, that was. No, it means.
00:31:36
Create for anyone not watching, she's got like an it's like an
00:31:39
arrow, like a double arrow, double arrow, Citroen logo.
00:31:42
But me and my me, my best earring got it matching anyway.
00:31:46
OK, this one I can get down with.
00:31:48
OK, Davis, Nick Thief. It's for me.
00:31:52
Stinking, honking breath. I dated a couple of guys with
00:31:56
minging breath and there is no need for it.
00:31:58
I had to hold my own breath whilst they talked.
00:32:01
That is a big it. A lot of dental things.
00:32:05
Yeah, a lot of mouth. Hydra Halitosis.
00:32:09
Halitosis. My dad has halitosis and it was
00:32:13
the bane of my mum's marriage. It was.
00:32:20
It's medical though. It's.
00:32:21
Medical It's like medical bad breath.
00:32:23
What's that caused by, like them little white things that you
00:32:26
get? What are them little white
00:32:27
things that you get sometimes like, you know, in the back of
00:32:29
your mouth or you get them like you see people removing them on
00:32:32
like behind the tonsils? A little when your tonsils get
00:32:35
like white. Pastel things, yeah.
00:32:37
And they smell. Yeah.
00:32:38
Really bad. Apparently, yeah.
00:32:40
Is that. I don't think he's got that.
00:32:42
He's got medical halitosis and I'm scared that I've got it now.
00:32:46
Thanks to our genes, I have that really bad morning breath
00:32:51
because I have a retainer. Yeah, I have a grind.
00:32:54
Guard and the retainer gets clammy.
00:32:57
I put it in and I put my grind guard in.
00:33:00
You know, the fizzy dentist. That dentist sticks.
00:33:02
So what dogs eat, aren't they? But I can tell it's bad because
00:33:07
my dog will come up and try and say hello in the morning and
00:33:10
even the dogs like the dog thinks it's bad.
00:33:15
That's really bad. Well, you would be an egg.
00:33:19
Oh, this is a good one. And Dimas and Leafy looking at
00:33:24
their phone while they're talking to while you're talking
00:33:26
to them. They'd be left with their phone.
00:33:28
Quick, Sharp. Yeah.
00:33:31
Yeah, that's a isn't it? And I also think it's really all
00:33:35
probably guilty of it as well at some point.
00:33:38
When I do it, yes it. Is bad.
00:33:41
Like our attention spans are so bad.
00:33:44
Yeah, I think we all need to be more aware of that.
00:33:46
So thank you so much for that. Sucked with sliders big.
00:33:50
Not for me, not for me. I think it can be cool.
00:33:52
Unless. They wear them.
00:33:53
It's like a wedding or something.
00:33:54
And I'm like, you know, wear some nice shoes with socks.
00:33:58
I mean, if you were wearing only socks and sliders and nothing
00:34:03
else, that would look weird. There's like a backwards Winnie
00:34:05
the Pooh. Yeah, that actually that's a
00:34:07
nick for me. That's a nick for me.
00:34:16
What's your egg? My ick is when they're just
00:34:18
wearing AT shirt and no bottoms and like no boxes.
00:34:21
No. So they're just walking around
00:34:23
with their bottom now. We need the poohing.
00:34:24
We need the poohing. Yeah, like.
00:34:25
Yeah, so my egg is Winnie the Pooh.
00:34:26
It's a funny egg. No, no, that's Nick I.
00:34:29
I don't like it when I do it my ick.
00:34:30
Is when someones you think that you're both naked and then
00:34:35
afterwards realized I've been wearing socks the whole time.
00:34:37
That aches me out. I'm like these socks off.
00:34:39
Oh, I'm not a feet person. Inside the one was worse.
00:34:42
The stage up from that it was Winnie the Pooh T-shirt and
00:34:44
socks. So you just removed your
00:34:46
trousers and pants. But yeah.
00:34:47
And. You kept yeah, just keeping the
00:34:50
top half. No, like, oh, just like when
00:34:51
you're wandering round and just Winnie the Pooh, like it is
00:34:54
Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh, Yeah, it's a foot S footy
00:34:57
ick. I at the moment though, to be
00:34:59
fair, for comedy, I do the best Winnie the Pooh right now
00:35:02
because I've got the belly. So if I just walk around and
00:35:04
just a T-shirt, which I have done it, it is really funny.
00:35:11
OK, dear Miss Nick Thief, if she's crossing the road and
00:35:13
pushes the button for the Green Man but walks before it comes on
00:35:16
because there's no traffic and when a car arrives there's a red
00:35:19
light but no pedestrian, who really doesn't like the
00:35:24
inconvenience That how? Dare you mess up the regulations
00:35:27
of traffic law? Very logical person I.
00:35:29
Mean that doesn't ick me out, but if I was driving it would
00:35:33
annoy me that I'd have to stop or but it doesn't.
00:35:36
Ick me like imagine on a date. Sorry, can I just ask you sorry,
00:35:39
sorry, do you? Do you push the the button for
00:35:42
the Green Man but then go when there's no traffic?
00:35:44
So that leaves the man or the woman driving stood at the
00:35:47
lights when there's no pedestrians.
00:35:50
Yeah, sometimes. Sorry I can't continue with.
00:35:52
This and do you watch Love Island?
00:35:53
No, it's like it's a weird list. My mum, I just remember my mum,
00:35:58
there was a, she was not very confident driving and she
00:36:00
didn't, she couldn't turn out onto a main road in Lewisham.
00:36:04
So she used to get me or my brother when we were very small
00:36:06
to get out of the car, run across to press the light to
00:36:10
make the car stop so that she could get out.
00:36:12
That's quite clever. And so she'd be like, go run,
00:36:14
run to the lights and we'd be running like press the light and
00:36:16
run back again and then. All the lesser.
00:36:19
Yeah. Oh, this 1A mustache that grows
00:36:22
over their mouth. Oh, when it curls over the lips.
00:36:27
Yeah, yeah. When it's like just little bits
00:36:29
of hair that come across the lip or like a little brush, yeah.
00:36:33
Like like, like groom that guy out of Futurama that.
00:36:37
Yeah, you. Mean.
00:36:39
Yeah, it's like you've got an octopus fat mouth, Yeah.
00:36:41
Yeah, yeah. And oh, when there's bits of
00:36:43
food in it, I know a big gig for me when that little bit of white
00:36:47
foam collects at the corner of someone's mouth.
00:36:53
Yeah, we had a teacher that. No, can't, no, that's
00:36:58
disgusting. That's disgusting.
00:36:59
Like give your mouth a dab or like have a have a sip of water.
00:37:02
And what's the etiquette? For saying, oh, you've got a
00:37:05
bit. Of got a bit of.
00:37:06
Foam crust in your mouth. Like, yeah.
00:37:08
What is that, like, mouth froth? Like slight rabies?
00:37:11
Like what? What is it like?
00:37:12
I don't know, like like a frothing?
00:37:15
Yeah, my dog froths when she's been for a run in her mouth.
00:37:18
Sir. Yeah, that's gross.
00:37:20
That yeah, that's a big. And I've had, yeah, when you see
00:37:22
the, the, the really cut, it's like backwards eyelashes over
00:37:26
their lip. Yeah, it's like you want to just
00:37:27
go and just a little trim, just. Trim that.
00:37:29
Just a little bit of wax. You know, if you've got a
00:37:30
mustache, Great wax. It up, Yeah.
00:37:32
Or when people's eyebrows hairs start to like grow along.
00:37:35
Like, do you know what I mean? Like there's fish there ever at?
00:37:39
The bottom of the oh God. Oh, OK, this is gross.
00:37:46
Do you miss Nick Thief asking me if I have Snapchat at over 30
00:37:51
years old? Yeah.
00:37:53
Who Snapchats at 30 years old? I think some people still.
00:37:56
Do sorry if you do. I mean, I don't, I came off like
00:38:00
years ago. Yeah, I don't have Snapchat
00:38:02
anymore, but apparently like, so my sister who's 16, all their
00:38:06
conversations are over Snapchat. Oh really?
00:38:08
So that's all the young UNS. Yeah, all of our conversations
00:38:11
are on Snapchat. Did you know, because obviously
00:38:12
Snapchat is it's you feel safe because they all disappear and
00:38:15
everything. Yeah, but I was watching my
00:38:17
'cause I love like true crime murder shows and watching a
00:38:21
forensic, a digital forensics episode and they were like, Oh
00:38:25
no, it's, it's a complete fabrication that they disappear.
00:38:27
Yeah, of course Snapchat retain every single image.
00:38:32
Video whereas WhatsApp. Don't WhatsApp.
00:38:34
Don't. But yeah, all these kids are
00:38:36
going on Snapchat. Yeah, and it's caught so many
00:38:38
people out, like from a law perspective, because people
00:38:41
have. They've, they've, they've.
00:38:43
Messaged or they've they've thinking that Snapchat
00:38:45
disappears, they've organised like going to kill someone or
00:38:49
beat someone up or they've or they've taken ever they've got
00:38:51
evidence. That they think is going to
00:38:52
disappear. This or like attacks and stuff,
00:38:54
Yeah. And the police just have full
00:38:57
cooperation with Snapchat and they will pull up anything you
00:39:00
need. Or I guess you could even if you
00:39:03
knew someone inside Snapchat, you could like access it or pay,
00:39:05
pay them for the access. So the fact is it does not
00:39:08
disappear kids. So do not send nudie videos on
00:39:12
Snapchat because they are stored in an archive.
00:39:14
Somebody else has got them, just not the person you sent them.
00:39:17
Yeah. Exactly.
00:39:18
OK, yeah, I get this one. I've had some real issues with
00:39:22
this in my life, on me, Dimas, Nick Thief and he says eyebrows
00:39:27
that look like the Nike logo or airbag lips and Krispy Kreme
00:39:31
Phyllis. Oh, I guess what he means like.
00:39:35
Krispy Kreme Kreme doughnut like face like those are so.
00:39:39
Brown. And airbag lips.
00:39:42
But eyebrows look like the Nike logo.
00:39:44
Had those in the 90s and then they went really thick.
00:39:47
In fact, when I met you, my eyebrows were like awful.
00:39:52
Like I look back at pictures of when we met with my Croydon hair
00:39:55
facelift and like the thickest eyebrows that I just drew on
00:39:59
with the Anastasia Beverly Hills stuff I just thought I had and
00:40:02
they were. I look back and like, Oh my God.
00:40:05
I've had an eyebrow shock. I'm like what but?
00:40:06
I was like my eyebrows awful. They were awful and I thought
00:40:09
they were OK and I was in my 20s.
00:40:11
Like there was no excuse. For that we're all victim to
00:40:14
it's the victim of the fashion of the eyebrows, because they
00:40:16
changed completely. Yeah, but mine were, mine were
00:40:19
like clucking them really thin. Was it?
00:40:22
Yeah to that like 1 was really drawn on thick and the other one
00:40:25
was like another shape. It was like, it's like a yeah,
00:40:27
looking at a snake and a worm. But I I awful, I had blonde hair
00:40:31
and basically drawn on black eyebrows and you do the and you
00:40:34
had to do the box square, the two square boxes.
00:40:36
And I and I was, I was not letting go of that for long.
00:40:39
And the winged eye liner, I did not let go of that for years.
00:40:42
Do you remember? Yeah, I was like.
00:40:45
Eyeshadow you're like no, just a lined a winged.
00:40:48
Eyeliner with a wet What are they called?
00:40:50
Like a. Like a wet liner, A wet.
00:40:52
Liner and a thick boxy brow. I look back now and I'm like,
00:40:55
people, why do people tell me? And I did a course in eyebrows
00:40:58
and lashes. God dear Miss Nickafe thief.
00:41:04
Gosh. We should do this when I'm not
00:41:07
pregnant. We should do this or drunk
00:41:08
episode. Or we should just get drunk one
00:41:10
episode. Would you guys like that?
00:41:11
Yeah, that would be really fun. I can't wait to get you drunk
00:41:14
after you've been pregnant. I've been really.
00:41:16
Drunk a lot throughout your pregnancy?
00:41:17
You have, I've just been like sick and sober and you've just
00:41:21
been having a great time. Oh.
00:41:27
Dear Mr. Nick, a thief if they've ever formed into a radio
00:41:30
station for a shout out. Of themselves.
00:41:35
I don't know. Or for someone else who's quite
00:41:37
cute, do you think? But if they phoned in, if
00:41:40
they're just not. Alone in the car, on their own.
00:41:42
No, no, if they've if they've called for themselves, that's
00:41:44
weird. But like.
00:41:45
But if you like, I'd like to shout out my Nan or something
00:41:48
like that. Yeah, that's quite cute.
00:41:50
Yeah, But maybe if I'm called in like Worth delivered, doing a
00:41:53
long road trip with the ring radio like radio form, like how
00:41:55
you can shut me up please. It's not, it's not an ick, but
00:41:59
it does annoy me when when they, they, I think people go, they're
00:42:04
calling into the radio and they go, OK, you got 10 seconds to
00:42:08
like say yours. Thank you.
00:42:09
And they're like everyone's like Uncle Bill and Peter and Nan,
00:42:12
Charlotte and Nan. And they just literally like do
00:42:15
just list like 50 names and I'm like, this is the most, but
00:42:18
you're on national. Waiting for that moment.
00:42:19
There, you're on. National radio.
00:42:21
This is so boring. They need to read up their
00:42:23
family tree. I just been like.
00:42:26
Similar threads to this. I get quite icked out when
00:42:30
people wish people a happy birthday on Facebook or whatever
00:42:38
and they're not on it. So like, like, like if you're
00:42:42
wishing that you're 1 year old a happy birthday and they're not
00:42:45
on Facebook, like I'm all for being like happy birthday to my
00:42:48
gorgeous girl. Here's some pictures of her,
00:42:50
blah, blah, blah. Like we had a wonderful party
00:42:52
like sharing that, but being like happy birthday Isabella,
00:42:55
you are the sun in my sky. And it's just like, but she's
00:42:58
not reading this. She's really tagged and B, she's
00:43:02
3. Like so like, yeah, I'm all for
00:43:05
sharing that be like happy birthday to my little girl and
00:43:07
like putting that pictures up. But if you're directly
00:43:10
addressing them. Yeah, no, if we think about it,
00:43:13
the way I see Facebook, the feed, I look at it like a wall
00:43:18
and it's the equivalent of just shouting stuff at a wall.
00:43:23
Thank you, Isabella. How are they going?
00:43:24
Today's been a really bad day, actually.
00:43:26
Don't talk to me in hospital. In hospital.
00:43:29
What's? Wrong her nothing day and me and
00:43:31
I just. See millions of people just
00:43:33
shouting at a wall. Shouting into the voice,
00:43:36
shouting and stuff and attention please.
00:43:38
Attention. I'm deleting Facebook.
00:43:41
I'm deleting my friends. If you have survived the call,
00:43:43
well done. Or share this if you don't want
00:43:47
the government to see your private information.
00:43:50
Shocking video missing dog. It's honestly, it's just like
00:43:53
my. Stand balls like no, you're in
00:43:55
the north of that England, and that was three years ago.
00:44:01
I don't. I'm not a Facebook status user.
00:44:04
I wasn't the day I. Was that's what we did forget to
00:44:07
do this on our last podcast, our note to self.
00:44:09
Yeah, anyway, nearly there. Oh my God, Somebody said about
00:44:12
the spit in the corner of the mouth.
00:44:14
We've done this now. This one.
00:44:17
Yeah. DMS Nick thief someone who
00:44:20
starts a sentence with to be honest are I'm not going to lie.
00:44:27
More than you are, dude. That's an immediate lie.
00:44:29
Yeah, I'm not going to lie, but. I'm not going to lie, right?
00:44:33
Not going to lie, but you are. Why would you?
00:44:37
Yeah, I get that. Why do you need to preference
00:44:39
whether, what anything you're saying?
00:44:40
I'm going to assume what you're saying is the truth.
00:44:43
If you have to preface that you're not going to lie.
00:44:47
Why? Why?
00:44:49
So. What you say before was a lie
00:44:51
then. Or like, like, maybe that's why
00:44:53
it's her Nick. Yeah.
00:44:56
OK, at one time early in dating a woman and I will get in to
00:45:03
know each other questions. After an answer I said that's
00:45:06
very cryptic of you. She got mad at my word choice
00:45:09
after she got very mad at my word choice.
00:45:11
After some back and forth she thought cryptic meant looking
00:45:15
like the tails guy from the crypt looking like the tails
00:45:18
from the crypt guy, and she thought I was calling her ugly
00:45:21
like the crypt keeper. But that level of vocabulary
00:45:24
comprehension turned me off. Oh, right, yeah.
00:45:28
OK, so not be not knowing the lexicon, I not having a wide
00:45:31
range of vocabulary. I I think yes, when not, not,
00:45:37
not, not to be like a academic snob.
00:45:41
I'm not that academic, but yeah, I think like when people are
00:45:44
really quite thick, maybe that's not a nick.
00:45:48
I think I gave my boyfriend the ick the other day.
00:45:51
Why? What did you?
00:45:52
Do. Did you just have a moment?
00:45:54
You see, no, I am academic, right?
00:45:56
Yeah. And I which believe it or not,
00:45:57
is that between the two of us, I am very academic, even though
00:46:00
I'm I come across not very. But.
00:46:04
I do. I'm not very well travelled and
00:46:08
geography is not my strong. Yeah, and pronunciations of
00:46:15
stuff. What did you do?
00:46:16
I said. What did I said, oh, we're about
00:46:20
going to France. And I was like, oh, let's go to
00:46:22
Marseille. Oh, no, Marcel, it is.
00:46:25
It's Marseille. Marseille.
00:46:28
No, we're both doing it. And then oh.
00:46:32
You called it Marcel, but it's Marseille.
00:46:35
It's. Something like that, Yeah.
00:46:36
I was like Marciel or whatever it was.
00:46:38
And he was like, what? And I was like, sorry, just
00:46:41
because you've been to the South of France several times,
00:46:44
Marciel. And then I said another one and
00:46:46
I got the yeah, I just got the whole thing wrong.
00:46:47
And I think I ate him out. I, I got quite a few
00:46:50
denunciations of words. Oh, and he's very, very smart,
00:46:53
isn't he? Very.
00:46:53
Very intelligent. Very intelligent and I think I
00:46:57
ate him out. He's got 2 masters.
00:47:00
He's very. Intelligent.
00:47:02
I have two GCS. ES they actually have the best
00:47:06
GCS ES in my school. Thank you.
00:47:07
Yeah. You are really a buffin, aren't
00:47:09
you? Aren't you?
00:47:10
Yeah, yeah, you're a buffin. Yeah, apparently anyway, many of
00:47:16
us are there. Bits of the trousers don't even
00:47:17
need to go into that. Oh, my God, the people that do
00:47:23
the hardship with their hands. Yeah.
00:47:25
Oh, that's a bigot for me. Yeah.
00:47:26
When people are like, hey, I love you, I love you.
00:47:29
But Pavan, that's really millennial now, isn't it?
00:47:31
Apparently. Yeah.
00:47:32
This. Apparently is millennial.
00:47:34
So what's the Gen. Z?
00:47:35
The. Gen.
00:47:35
Z1. It's like a weird thing that you
00:47:37
have to do with like and you do this or like, is it this?
00:47:40
I can't remember. It's like really weird, like
00:47:43
look, my hands are shaking, but it's like, it's like, I can't
00:47:46
even remember what it is, but it's like one with a finger.
00:47:48
Like it's like there's a different version of it, but
00:47:50
apparently that's very millennial and I can't.
00:47:52
I don't like that either. If anyone does that to me, I'm
00:47:54
like, actually, no, it depends. It's cute.
00:47:56
Like if it's like a bit like, because sometimes it's cute and
00:47:59
it's like a bit camp and it's like fun.
00:48:00
It's like love you. And it's just like, yeah, that's
00:48:02
fine. No, I'm not.
00:48:03
Seriously. I'm not a heart.
00:48:04
You're. Not even a hugger I have to
00:48:06
force. I have to force myself upon her
00:48:09
to give her a cuddle. I don't.
00:48:10
She's not. I'm not going to do that.
00:48:13
I'm not going to do that. OK, this is one for you, and
00:48:16
this is going to be the last one.
00:48:20
Oh, actually this is quite. I'll do too.
00:48:22
So he says when somebody uses the word ick to describe
00:48:25
something absolutely normal. Oh, that's kind of the point,
00:48:32
no? I guess I get what they're
00:48:33
saying. They're saying when when someone
00:48:35
has an ick about something that's just really normal,
00:48:37
that's an ick. So like what?
00:48:41
I don't even know what an example of that would be.
00:48:43
So like if someone has a Nick, they'll be like, Oh my God, he
00:48:45
just like, he really kicked me out because he just like held
00:48:47
the door open for me or something.
00:48:48
It's like that's. Oh yeah, behaviour, yeah.
00:48:51
Don't. Now I've got an nick with you
00:48:52
because. You need a therapy.
00:48:55
Yeah. And this final one is dear Miss
00:48:59
Nick, a thief. I have a Nick with any man who
00:49:02
calls himself an alpha. Yes, that's got to be actually
00:49:08
up. There, that has got to be up
00:49:10
there. Anyone.
00:49:11
Anyone who calls themself an alpha automatically is not an
00:49:17
alpha. You, the real alphas, do not go
00:49:20
around talking about being alphas.
00:49:22
No. And I, I saw, I saw someone call
00:49:26
out, you see, you're obviously like boys, you or men who want
00:49:29
to be alphas, They follow all of the alpha podcasts and things.
00:49:35
So someone said, well what? What are you doing?
00:49:38
Following what? Who follows alphas?
00:49:41
Betas so you. Automatically, if you even
00:49:45
subscribe that, then they've actually like completely
00:49:49
debunked that whole like alpha wolf thing anyway.
00:49:51
So it's all based on a load of crap.
00:49:54
But yeah, because the the the what they thought was the alpha
00:49:58
and the Wolf Pack actually isn't the real alpha is actually at
00:50:00
the back making sure everybody's safe and herded and they're not
00:50:04
centre fronts. Anyway, the point is is, but I
00:50:06
was like, that's a really good point.
00:50:08
If you're following like alpha podcast because you think you
00:50:11
want to be an alpha or you're trying to become an alpha, the
00:50:13
very the very thing of follow yeah means you're automatically
00:50:17
not. But these men know that they're
00:50:19
not alphas, don't they? Because like, isn't that, that
00:50:21
there's a whole movement where they know they're not alphas?
00:50:23
And there's the the Oh my God, my brain.
00:50:29
What do you mean you're talking in cells?
00:50:31
Yes, and they know that the in cells that's it like so like
00:50:33
they know that they're not alphas and then they're creating
00:50:35
something else. It's it's a weird like thing and
00:50:38
that and then they're finding power in that now is what like
00:50:40
it's it's all very toxic and run a mile.
00:50:43
Have you heard someone actually call themselves an alpha?
00:50:48
I have. Have you?
00:50:49
No, I haven't. I've had people go no, and, and,
00:50:53
and I don't mind this like because I've I, I like, yeah,
00:50:57
like wouldn't. I've had people go, no, I'm a
00:51:00
man, I'll do that. And I'm like, OK, OK, like I can
00:51:03
do it and I probably will, but it's nice to be LED.
00:51:07
I do think like especially like feeling more feminine and
00:51:11
feeling more like, I think it is important to feel safe and
00:51:14
secure because it allows you to be more playful and more like
00:51:18
that's. Different to someone calling
00:51:20
themselves. So I've not had anybody ever go
00:51:21
Oh no, no, no, I'm an alpha. And that no, because that I
00:51:25
would one of my it was really they wouldn't be within my
00:51:27
vicinity. They wouldn't be within myself.
00:51:29
No, they they were very much in my vicinity and I was dating
00:51:32
this guy who mentioned and he just said it in conversation and
00:51:36
was like, we are because, because I'm an alpha.
00:51:40
And I remember going sorry, sorry.
00:51:43
An alpha No, no, you're just you're just a man to.
00:51:45
Describe this man in particular. He was like Peter Pettigrew.
00:51:55
That was his vibe. The rat from Harry Potter.
00:51:57
Yeah, Scabbers. Why were you Scabbers?
00:52:01
You don't know for your scabbers, Yes.
00:52:03
Why were you dating? Who?
00:52:04
How? Why were you dating?
00:52:05
I'm not going to name him. No, but you can name him after.
00:52:06
I'm going to, I'm going to find out.
00:52:08
But I think I probably know him, but I remember him literally
00:52:11
saying in conversation because you know some because I'm quite
00:52:14
an alpha. Oh, I know who this is.
00:52:16
Yeah. And I was like, in my head, like
00:52:19
Peter Fetter gear. No, that's not attractive.
00:52:22
It was that. That is a red flag on ick.
00:52:24
That's a red flag. So this is the thing, like what
00:52:36
you know now, not what I know now.
00:52:37
I would have been like, yeah, like, yeah, there's a lot of
00:52:39
things like, like now I'd be like, no, absolutely.
00:52:42
Yeah. First row crank.
00:52:43
Bye. Bye.
00:52:44
Yeah. But yeah, you, you learn People
00:52:46
who? Say that they're an alpha or
00:52:48
even just like, yeah, subscribe to that whole thing.
00:52:50
Is it? It is, I don't.
00:52:52
Care. I care about who you are as a
00:52:54
person. Don't really care you're social.
00:52:57
So, yeah, well, that was it. Thank you guys for sharing.
00:52:59
Thank you. They were brilliant, good,
00:53:01
brilliant, Really good ones. And just to finish up, we've got
00:53:07
our little thing that we've got to do last week, note to self,
00:53:09
where we read out one of us, and I'm going to say, Jay, because
00:53:14
I've done the reading this week, either a Facebook status.
00:53:18
On this day from back in the day.
00:53:19
Yeah, on this day, Facebook status, like going to the
00:53:22
memories or we find a little note in your notes to self
00:53:26
because let's face it, they're all very unhinged.
00:53:28
Oh, like reading my actual private notes app out out loud.
00:53:31
Yeah, yeah, like it's the one you did last the other week was
00:53:36
what was it, Tom the midriff? Oh my.
00:53:39
Let's go for a Facebook stage. It's difficult because this is
00:53:45
my birthday today, so yeah, on this day there's a lot of people
00:53:48
commenting on me. Did you not put up a little
00:53:50
state? It's been like happy birthday to
00:53:52
me. He he OK, OK, this is weird.
00:53:56
So this was this was 2014, eleven years ago on this day.
00:54:02
It says thank you everyone for your lovely messages :) emoji.
00:54:06
I had a great birthday, ate my own weight in German.
00:54:10
Sausages, not veggie. There tried a.
00:54:15
Burgito Burger in a burrito. Oh, did you put that in
00:54:18
brackets? Yeah.
00:54:19
Oh, good, good. Good.
00:54:21
Thank you for the and called 999.
00:54:23
And sat with a cyclist who had an accident at embankment in
00:54:26
front of. That is the most Facebook status
00:54:28
ever but happy birthday to me. Called 999 and had to sit with
00:54:32
an A cyclist that had an accident and my God I'm amazing.
00:54:34
Hate my way in German sausage. Anna Burgito.
00:54:38
OK. That was a good.
00:54:39
That was good 14 years ago. Yeah, I've got is in the South
00:54:43
of England :). Wow, that's it.
00:54:46
Because you're from. Somebody's put where you at and
00:54:49
I put I was in Weymouth. He, he just got off the ferry.
00:54:52
It was lovely and warm, much nicer climate than up north.
00:54:55
I'm on my way back up now. I hate me.
00:54:59
Why did you say that? Awful.
00:55:01
I've got so Oh my God you'll love this.
00:55:04
Today has been extremely productive.
00:55:07
My brilliant friend Max got his contract through, we're doing a
00:55:10
dance for an amazing artist and I just job bagged a job as a
00:55:13
singer. Very good.
00:55:15
First in first day in London. I'd say I just moved down to
00:55:18
London 13 years ago today. Wow, congratulations.
00:55:22
Thank you and I found out that that job as a singer was
00:55:24
actually the one where was nearly a prostitute.
00:55:26
Wait, you moved down to London on my birthday?
00:55:29
The day before your birthday. Yeah.
00:55:30
This is my first day in London. So.
00:55:33
But that job was actually not a singing bar.
00:55:36
It turned out to be a brothel. Yeah.
00:55:39
And we've done a whole we did an episode about it.
00:55:40
We did. My diary entry with it, that is
00:55:44
brilliant. It all comes around.
00:55:46
Oh my God. What got?
00:55:49
What is it? I wrote out my positives.
00:55:53
Which mean you're. Positives.
00:55:54
My positives on this day 11 years ago.
00:55:58
Hey and I wrote out on my status my 3 positives.
00:56:02
OK, go on. One, I have an extremely
00:56:06
supportive and understanding boyfriend.
00:56:09
That aged well, didn't it? Two, I'm working a day shift
00:56:14
presenting 3 I woke up to Delilah with her head on the
00:56:18
pillows spooning and cuddling. I also nominate.
00:56:23
Oh I hate that nominating * I nominated.
00:56:26
My ex at the time to do it for seven days.
00:56:31
What, just wake up and think positive things?
00:56:33
I guess so. But it only counts.
00:56:35
Only counts if you announce it publicly on social media.
00:56:38
Oh my God, and. Catherine did it.
00:56:39
I nominated Catherine as well my sister May.
00:56:44
This was 16 years ago on the birthday 2009 check out check
00:56:49
out that. Look at those breasts.
00:56:54
I mean a corset you look great lace gloves and double handguns.
00:56:59
Because I I got a job in like a kind of cowboy theatre, live
00:57:06
theatre thing. May you're saying we were hired
00:57:09
by the army to for the generals ball like in the somewhere high
00:57:14
up in the generals in the high up in the British Army.
00:57:17
We were having, they were having like a very posh party, some
00:57:21
sort of celebratory party. So all the what?
00:57:23
Army wives and all of the generals and all of the colonels
00:57:26
and everything. And we were hired to be a bunch
00:57:29
of Cowboys and Cowgirls and we were going to be live
00:57:32
entertainment for their party. So we had to just walk around
00:57:34
shooting each other. Very embarrassing.
00:57:36
I did that. I didn't.
00:57:37
Have to use a gun and there's the army.
00:57:39
Yeah, I did that as AI, did that as a policeman and to do an
00:57:42
Irish accent and a farmer. That's weird isn't it?
00:57:46
You get hired for the weirdest jobs.
00:57:48
I've got a happy birthday to you 8 years ago and I've also got a
00:57:51
status on that same day. It says there's always one mate.
00:57:53
The seagull is 100% me and then Spain same day.
00:57:59
Spain you've been great but never again.
00:58:02
You and me do not agree with one another and that's.
00:58:07
OK, I'm making myself out now. And that's.
00:58:10
That well, that's enough, right? There we go.
00:58:13
Right, You've been listening to dear Mr. Nick Thief.
00:58:17
If you want to get involved, then you can.
00:58:19
There are a few. Ways you can do it.
00:58:21
And yeah, if you've got any stories that make you want to
00:58:23
curl up and die and they'll ground, just swallow your whole,
00:58:26
then we want to hear from you. We'd love to hear them.
00:58:27
Yeah, we'll share them with everybody.
00:58:28
We'd love to share them public. Sharing is caring.
00:58:31
It is so you can DM us at or Instagram.
00:58:34
Dear Mr. Nick thief and a TikTok Got a TikTok A TikTok.
00:58:37
We've got a TikTok now, Dear Mr. Negative and we've got an
00:58:42
e-mail. Dear Mr. Nick Thief at Gmail.
00:58:44
Yeah, because we're cheaper. We didn't want to pay for the
00:58:46
actual name, so it's still Gmail.
00:58:50
But yeah, get in touch. We put shout outs on our
00:58:53
socials, so keep an eye on them on our personal socials as well.
00:58:55
At Johanna James, at It's Sophie Craig and yeah, get involved
00:58:59
with all your little topics and telltales and we'll share them
00:59:02
out. Have a lovely bastard.
00:59:03
Yeah, it's never too much. Might be too much, maybe.
00:59:07
Thank you.