EP 4: THE DEVIL’S MULLET

[00:00:01] House of Fear presents, Ramon Fear's terror tapes, tonight's episode The Devil's Mullets. One is art too is porn even if it's your birthday. Ah, greetings my friends. We've all won things we've ridden red. Why denim? Let the socks. SS shell suits. Nothing at all.

[00:00:40] But consider it could be a symptom of a deeper malaise. Rises. Like a knife through the heart of your failing body, a slapty or wrinkled face, a kickty The only way that flaw level genitals, a goose still saggy, bunched arms.

[00:01:00] Wait, I've lost my trade and thought, oh, they'd do that to you. A goose still saggy. No, hold on. Wishes? Yes, wishes. Are they really all that cracked up to me? Is the genius of the lamp really just a cumulus prick of lies?

[00:01:16] Well, like my dealer always said, be careful what you wish for. Those fucking ideas was that. You keep land solutions, can I ask his calling? That does sound very urgent. I'm just going to put you on hold for one minute. Did you get your muffin, John?

[00:01:57] Yes, I did. Thanks, Des. And the vouchers. There are a lot of people off today. Thanks, guys. It's a birthday, John. We're doing for your birthday, John. I mean, just, you know how it is, just low-key. Oh, nice, nice. Have you done that, mate?

[00:02:14] Do you want to drink? No, no. I get funny. I'm going to catch up on a bit of Vera. I see me three. I fucking love it. Maybe lay off the coffee crate. I think Des said I'm in real trouble. I love it. It's me. I'm away back.

[00:02:43] Probably won't make the shop. Did you get a bleach? Ah, no. I forgot to pick up the bleach. Never mind. I'll go tomorrow. You're trying to hold a question. I know. I told you. Listen, it's just a shop shut now. So I'm going to have to go and...

[00:03:01] It's my birthday. John, why are you making a thing this? I don't care. It's bleach. You say you don't care, but you're the one who's going to be sitting on it. I don't care, John. Why is it always the toilet? Your obsessed. I'm not obsessed. Hello? Oh, no.

[00:03:27] Jesus, mate, tell the lights on. You're trying to get out. You need a pass. No, John. I'm... We're indoors. Single glazing, mate. Nothing to do with me. I'm just... Yeah. I know. How did you get in here? John, John, John, John. Have a can I birthday, John?

[00:04:08] Why if you're home preparing dinner, making your birthday, go to have a pudding? No, she's a human rights lawyer. She's the breadwinner. I don't make nearly as much as her. You're being a bit... Well, old-fashioned. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was dealing with a TC brigade.

[00:04:30] I mean, even that's a little old-fashioned. Happy birthday, John. A little gift from me to you. Oh. Thanks. Is this bleach? Thought you might need some, John. Oh, well... That's officially the weirdest birthday present I have ever been given. Although, I actually do. It's special brand.

[00:05:01] Put a special there, John. I haven't even... I mean, I haven't seen this before. Is this your own brand? You're good, say that. I've got no label. Is this legal? I think what I'm really asking is, does this work? No. What I'm really asking is, is this legal?

[00:05:25] You asked too many questions, John. Once the worst had could happen, do you feel you've lived a little likely in your... four to two years on this plan? I mean, that's creepy that you know that, but no, I'm completely fine. I'm only 42.

[00:05:41] You don't feel like you're digging enough. Rists. What are we talking about here? Why don't you pour that stop down the bowl and just go... with the flow. You're worried, John. I can see it in your face. I'm not worried. I'm a little creeped out.

[00:06:01] That's what they all say. Ooh. Do they? Go home, John. Tell wifey to pour it all down the toilet. Or you? Mr. Martin here, uh... Again, she's a lawyer. It'll change your life, John. If I might... Listen, you can trust me. I'm... what clean. Okay. Bye.

[00:06:34] You'll be saying me very soon, John. I know he's gone. Bit rude. Who's dark is this? John. Michelle, I got some bleach, but... But... I've really weird cleaner at work. Apparently it's going to change our lives. Uh, whatever. John, I'm dealing with the aftermath of a hostage exchange.

[00:07:00] Can we stop talking about the toilet? Fine! But it looks like a Jackson Polligan there. They're John. Yeah. My face! John, you've got a lot of nerve. Oh my god. Michelle, you're not a good team. Why did you get that out of the sudden? I don't know.

[00:08:27] I woke up with it. And your hair is in blonde. It's like bleach blond. I know. I can't remember doing this. I was the time. I start. I need to go now. You're not just walking away from this, John. That is only hair. I'm not talking about that.

[00:08:44] What are you talking about? Why are you pretending like this is nothing, John? I'm not pretending. I need to get dressed. I'm sorry. It... I was nothing but... Where did all these leather jackets come from? That's what I want to know. I take it.

[00:09:04] You bought them to go with your new bike. What? Where's the car? What's happened to the car, Michelle? Don't take that accusatory tone with me. You're the one who sold it so you could buy that stupid fucking Harley Davidson. I didn't buy that. I didn't want a bike.

[00:09:22] I've never wanted a bike. Then why are you wearing fingeless gloves? Ah! What is going on? Who's candy? Candy? Yes. Candy. Are you sleeping with her? No, I don't know a candy. Oh, why have you got her? I've got her. Tattooed on your arm. What a... God!

[00:09:44] No, no! John! Are you having an affair? No! Laya! I don't know this candy. Oh, well, clearly she must be an important, more important than me. If you decided to get her name, etched on your skin. I didn't do this. Did she give you that earring, too?

[00:10:10] You ring. God! Yeah, she's younger than me, too. Where did you pick this one up, A? No, where? I would never date a woman called Candy. You are unbelievable. Thought you'd have some fun with a young thing. What am I? John? An old husk.

[00:10:27] I haven't been having fun. I never thought you'd do this, John. I never thought you'd do this to yourself to me to us. Michelle, I love you. I don't. This isn't me. I didn't do any of this. Someone made me do it. Really? Really?

[00:10:49] You can't even do the decent thing of owning your mistakes. Who did it then, John? The Grimmlins! I don't... God, are you okay, please? Don't go. We need to talk about this. But I have to get to work.

[00:11:01] I'll have to call Des and tell him I'm running late. How could you do this, John? Oh, shit, shit, shit. Des! John? Des? Sorry, it's been a weird morning. I'm going to be running a bit late. Running late? Are you quit last night? What? Yeah.

[00:11:19] You told Malcolm to shove his jaw band pension plan up his purse during clutching Aint. You'd have to have some bra's balls to show up today. Wait. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Wait.

[00:11:35] I never quit. Why would I quit? You said you were done with the job and then you were going to get your life back and then you were going to try stand up. Oh, Christ! You already booked yourself a five minutes slot at the Giggle Factory.

[00:11:50] That the Giggins turn I. No! I don't have any material. The guy got a girl, John. Whatever it is, you'll go through. I hope you come out the other side of him without too much damage. There's weight! Shut up! Shit! Michelle, you've got to help me.

[00:12:10] They're telling me I quit my job. I know. I like the way you decided to not consult me at all before you did that. Guess I'm just your little wifey and we don't plan life-changing decisions like that together. Michelle, wait. What are you doing?

[00:12:27] Why are you getting the suitcase down? I'm packing. Packing! I'm going to stay at Martha's. I just don't want to be anywhere near you right now. Michelle, please. I'm not moving out though. No. When I come back, I want you gone. Gone! Michelle, this isn't me.

[00:12:49] None of this is. It's like someone else is living my life like a double. Like I... I... I feel like I'm mad, don't you? Not mad, John. Just tragic. Michelle. Goodbye, John. Have fun with your teenage slut and your motorbike. And your hair looks shit.

[00:13:17] I know it does. That's a good thing. That's where we're meeting, Nega or that's where the new Diga TV home sound from. Go boom! Elepets Entertainment in ganz no air quality. With the Vodafundi Gati-Vau Home Sound and in Premium Clang from Bang and Olofsen together, we can Vodafone.

[00:14:22] Don't to me. I've made you the man you've always wanted to be, John. A man's a man and a woman's a man's woman. Should use that in your standard. I won't. I will see. Anyway, I got a stoop.

[00:14:41] It's still some of that bleach left for you to finish off, John. Don't waste a profit now. I'm gonna get you some shit. I'll see you next year, Biav-40, sir. Oh, by the way, I've given you some skinny jeans. There's a gym membership in the back pocket.

[00:15:03] Now you're living life, John. Now you're living life. Go. Oh, come on. I can't walk you somewhere. I know you're fucking out of my fucking way. Come on. Where is that fucking bleach? God. This is your fault. Come on. Why won't you come out?

[00:15:46] Why don't you come out yesterday? Oh, I'm getting rid of you. One way or another. This ends now. It ends now. I guess it'll be spending a lot of nights on his own. Just like my uncle, Phil Bosby.

[00:16:41] Although that's where different reasons he went into Woolworth's with a nail gun. I'll tell you what he needs from on. Permanent and prison lended a very high bail. No, he needs languages. It's a mattress. I've given the chair but go on.

[00:16:57] It's all you need when you've lost everything. Or maybe you never had it in the first place. Maybe you choose to be tragic. We've got you. And you know the best thing. Shoot. Just like uncle. They only come in beds for one. Because you're going through a thing.

[00:17:13] But don't listen to me, please. Don't listen to me. I'm nothing. Just like you. Hey you! Yes you. The Singleton in the corner of the crowd of room pertaining to look at their phone. I see you. I see you. Don't get tired of never meeting the one.

[00:17:30] Endlessly scrolling the apps. Never having that special person with whom to share Valentine's day. Or indeed any holiday that emphasizes how important it is to not be a person who is not in the same place. Or not in the corner of the corner of the room.

[00:17:45] Or not in the corner of the room. Maybe it's time for a change. Change of clothes. Change of environment. Change of priorities. Or is it just a simple change of mattress? Introducing the languages, it's a mattress. The mattress that looks exactly like the object of your dreams.

[00:18:03] Because let's face it. They are objects. Simply send us a photo of the man or woman you desire. A lock of their hair, a long-form copy of their birth certificates and will do the rest. Molding you a bed that looks so like the real thing,

[00:18:17] You'll hardly believe it's purely a regular mattress manipulated into a shape of vaguely resembles a person. Also available in Animal. We don't judge! Soft to the touch with our firm body. Our mammatraases and bird either. Ha ha ha ha ha.

[00:18:35] When you lie in the Sweden brace of a languages, it's a matress. You'll never want to leave your house again. You'll never want to leave your bed again. Plus, it's foldable. Durable and waterproof. So you can enjoy steamy showers together.

[00:18:51] Sexy times in the kitchen and cozy nights by the fireside. Although it is highly flammable. I cannot stress that enough. And it does smell a bit. I don't need a man in my life. Now that I have a matress.

[00:19:08] Just one of the many true and tragic testimonies from satisfied customers. All to now with the code, fear my Valentine, and get 10% of your first purchase. We'll even chuck in a mattress protector. Or as we like to call it, the condom. Langrages, it's a matress.

[00:19:25] You change your sheets. We change your life. Seriously though, change your sheets. Can fill the void. Choose Langrages. It's already got my parents. Filthy. Absolutely filthy. Right, that's all the distress I can fit into one sitting but I'll see you again.

[00:19:51] As the gardener once said to the tinker, think on it. Think on it. Good night. From House of Fair Pictures. Jessica Nilsson was just an ordinary little girl from Stockholm. Oh Jessica, you said you'd be a beautiful ordinary little girl from Stockholm.

[00:20:35] But behind the ordinary, learned something deeply, on what an area. Mother, what is it Jessica? What is it my darling? No one could understand her problem. Doctor, fix my hideous child. I got single but I keep telling you I'm not a doctor. The doctor for me.

[00:20:55] That's absolutely unnefic. What's wrong with her ears? No one could see her turmoil. If you ask me, the child's cast. And no one could feel her pain. Not even Jessica. There's one! There's one! But you're me! This is the secret behind the blood.

[00:21:20] A film that will shock you to a very cruel. Tell me have you ever heard of Ores Day's? But that's an Egyptian day! No, it's Latin. But aren't they the same? No. That did she get. Where's my baby? That's not my buggy! The most fit dream.

[00:21:44] Oh my god. Her lungs are carrying her through the trees. If she can feel her ears, then why should you feel yours? No, no, no. We have to find her before the next equinox. You mean the next equinox? No, what not? Milk and water.

[00:22:07] Pepates when I introduce the pison. Two? They're wrapped. I've never liked windows. Three. If you ask me to Charles, really cast. Jessica! We here and now. So, your eyes and pray for. Just for his ears. Show who you are for you here. Is...

[00:22:55] You have been listening to Ramon Fierz. Just out or tapes. Hosted by Ramon Fierz. Obituaries for the following cast members. Peter Wicks. Emily Stride. John Henry Fall. Additional voices by Alex Lynch. Odin Orn Hill, Martin. And Sam Thomas. All Ulogies created and scribed by Alex Lynch

[00:23:27] and Sam Thomas. Music and organ grinding by Odin Orn Hill, Martin. Production and post-mortem assembly. Handled with care by Alex Lynch and Odin Orn Hill, Martin. With Odin Orn Hill, Martin conducting the final service. And the funeral director, Alexander Morris. This has been a house of fair production.

[00:23:57] For more, go to ramonfier.com. Like, rate and subscribe if you dare.