LTO Brief #12 - Amanda & Alan

[00:00:00] This podcast was highly commended at the 2026 Golden Lobes Podcast Awards. Nice! I'm Esther and I'm Susie and this is Limited Time Only. Brief, a pick-me-up in shorter podcast form. Codes out, not in them accent. Not them. Kerry, stay, stay, try stay.

[00:00:23] Yeah, there's a really funny comedian called Colin Holt. So I try and listen to him. That's actually not bad. But I don't know if that's more Darby than Nottingham. I love the East Midlands accent. I love it as well. It's so good, but I can't grasp. So... The vowel sounds are incredibly difficult. But we've discussed this before, but you are, I don't, I have never ever considered my tongue placement, Susie. Um... This is where you've been going wrong.

[00:00:53] It is. So when I do accents, like if I'm going to do Northern, like I don't, I'm not thinking about what area it is. I'm just doing a Northern accent. I don't also don't know what I'm doing with my mouth. And I'm just going off ear. I, so I do accents based on ear. And then when you and I had a chat about it and you were like, well, you need to, it's, it's higher or it's lower or your tongue's here. And I was like, what? I've never even thought about these things. And I can't, I can't work out the Darby East Midlands accent. No, but I know.

[00:01:24] Yeah, I'm doing off. I'm kind of, because I've just spoken to someone from the Potteries. So it's like, they're... That's like Scouts as well, isn't it? That's the thing. That's the danger, isn't it? But it's so, so Potteries, Stoke-on-Trent. And it's, it's a lovely accent, but accent, it, it's, you, I think you have to think with something like that, unless you can like, yeah, just pick it up ear wise.

[00:01:50] It is a case of isolating the sounds, but you could easily do that. Yeah, I think I could. I can do accents and I can do them pretty well, but I, I've never been taught how to do them. It's always been ear. And if I was going to do something like the Potteries or, or Darby or Nottingham, I would need... You'd just listen to it. I would, I would listen to it a lot, but I think I'd need someone to just, I'd need an accent coach, I think, just to make sure it was, it was right. Yeah, it's so fun though, isn't it?

[00:02:17] But yeah, I, largely I would just listen over and over and over and over to someone saying, someone with that accent. Well, when we used to go... Make it specific. Yeah, well, when we used to go on holiday down to Whitspool when I was a child, I had this pen friend of Francesca and we'd go, one year we went for three weeks, which was idyllic. But we would usually go for probably two weeks every summer. And I would just have, halfway through, I'd just have a Kentish accent. It would just happen.

[00:02:45] And then I'd come back and it'd take me a while to readjust. Yeah. And there is that thing where people think you're taking the piss, but actually it's just, it's a case of, you're not even purposefully doing it in a way. It just happens. I think it's partly, what's the word? It's survival, isn't it? Well, yes, but it's a nice thing. It's a wanting to be, I don't know.

[00:03:14] I think it's empathy. It's not a conscious decision. No, no, it's not conscious. And so I think, well, I thought it was a survival thing like years ago, you know, whichever group you're in, you kind of start morphing into it. So biologically, probably. But I think also it's a case of if you're enjoying someone's company and you do kind of pick up things.

[00:03:37] It's like, in a way, when I watch kids walking with their parents and they walk the same way. And I know that's probably physiological, but lots of children sound a bit like their parents. They have similar tics. And I know it's partly physiological, but I also think it is a case of they have copied that. Well, can I tell you the best example of that? I know.

[00:04:00] And I'm sure, well, it's someone we both know has to have regular physiotherapy because I won't going to say her name because I haven't asked if it's okay for me to mention this. But her mum's got a disability and walks in a certain way. And so this mutual friend, who I'll tell you in a bit, has since a child walked in that same way and has to have regular physiotherapy because she walks the way her mum walks. And her mum's got something up with her hips. And so I'm sort of, yeah.

[00:04:30] And so I find that fascinating. So there's literally nothing wrong with this person. She's just always walked. She copied her mum. Yes, because you've learned to walk from watching that person walk. That's fascinating, isn't it? And it's the little things, being a parent and I look at my kids and then sometimes I hear things come out of their mouth and I go, oh, no, that's me. But also sometimes it's stuff that I now don't say because I'm conscious that's not the way, like I don't want to speak in that way. And I'm going, oh, shit.

[00:04:59] That's already got into them, that way of thinking, that way of being. I mean, the way they shout, idiot, to people in cars. I'm like, well, I don't know who does that. I actually think children's behaviour in cars is very telling, isn't it? Well, I don't know.

[00:05:20] My kids are always, would just look at, my daughters just always listen to music, but my kids would just look out the window and, or play I Spy and that was it. But I get the impression maybe your kids not so much. We do a bit, but they, yeah. But what do you mean by kids in cars? It's very telling. Oh, well, like, you know, when someone cuts you up and the kids are swearing at them rather than me. Oh, right. No, I've never experienced that. Because I give them a finger and everything.

[00:05:51] I mean, on a long journey, the kids and I will have our Eurovision bangers soundtrack on and we'll be warbling away for hours. Yes. That's what we do. That's ace. We would play a lot of I Spy and we would also, well, actually, Ella has usually got headphones on, is listening to music. And James will always say, can we listen to French and Saunders? Oh, great. So I've got Audible, so we listen to Titting About a lot.

[00:06:19] I had a, this is probably going to shock you, Susie. Oh, gosh. Well, maybe not shock you, but I was thinking the other day about if I, if I could swap lives with anyone, somebody new has entered my head. And I don't think you would expect me to say this person. I think she seems to have life pretty sorted. Okay. And it's Amanda Holden. Okay.

[00:06:44] I was like, no, you probably, and the reason, the reason I'm saying this is I watched her show that she did with Alan Carr. Yes. And I thought, Amanda Holden has got, seems to have her life really sorted. She's actually very wise. She comes out with some really wise things. She has a very good attitude to life. She seems to have a lot of energy and she's like, no, we're going to get this stuff done. She is, she looks fantastic. She has, does Britain's Got Talent. She does Heart Radio. She's got loads of friends.

[00:07:13] A best, one of her best mates is Alan Carr. She's got a nice house. And I thought, she just seems to have quite a joyful life. And if I was going to swap with anybody else and I would never, nothing, nothing. I just always think I'd have gone for somebody like, oh, I'd like to be Judi Dench. Or I was like, do you know what? I think Amanda Holden's here. No, I get what you're saying. I do understand that. Because she's got it. And when you, she talked about on this, on this show, we watched, we watched the Greek house renovation.

[00:07:42] It's such a good show. And she talks about all manner of things and she talks about some sad stuff, but then she's got this really positive attitude and outlook on life, but also wise. And I thought, you're not quite who I thought you were. And actually, you seem to get the most out of life and have a lot of joy. Yeah. I mean, she's best friends with Alan Carr. I know. I mean, that is sort of marker of, you know, that she must be a lovely person. I mean, I look a bit like him.

[00:08:12] No, you don't. I've got massive teeth and glasses. I could have played him in his sitcom. Maybe we should do a sketch where I'm Amanda Holden and you're, oh my God. Oh God, yes. It's the fronky FI Friday when Chris Evans would bring people out and they'd go, I'm a female Bono or I'm a male Kylie. And you go, oh yeah, you do kind of look like a male Kylie.

[00:08:39] Maybe we're like rip off Alan Carr and Amanda. You wouldn't be Alan Carr. You're Charles Hortrey. Look, I've got a whole range of, you know. Male lookalikes that I could play. No, you're not. I would love to be Alan Carr. I mean, he brought so much joy to the start of this year in the Celebrity Traitors. I still can't get over that. It's just one of the best things I've ever seen in my life. I'd love to be Alan Carr.

[00:09:08] So tell you what, I'll swap with Alan Carr because I reckon he's got quite a nice life. He's got a nice podcast. Yeah. He's very funny. He did the traitors. I'd love to do that. He's got good friends. You know, he does fantastic programs. And he's best mates with Paloma Faith and Amanda Holden. Yeah. There's nothing not to like. I mean, I'm sure they both have down times. Of course they do. They're human beings.

[00:09:35] But I just think, oh, they just look like, it just looks nice. I'd like to be their friend. Yeah. Well, maybe we can say, maybe if we do impressions of them and they go viral, they'll find out about it and invite us to be their friends. I don't, I mean, I suppose the only similarity I would say I would have with Amanda Holden is I have a bit of a loud laugh or quite a loud laugh. Oh, you're very glamorous and she's very glamorous.

[00:10:03] I never think of myself as glamorous. I mean, you're glamorous again today. Am I? Yes. Just always glamorous. What the hell? I mean. You've definitely not got the same colouring. So you'd have to wear, we'd have to put you in a wig. Um, but you know, for me with Alan Carr, it's pretty much like for like. You're so nothing like Alan Carr. Just have to get the accent. I mean, I think you'd agree. I've got similar sized teeth. No, no.

[00:10:32] I quite like to do an impression of Alan Carr. I think I could probably impersonate Alan Carr quite well. I'm not going to try it now. What's his accent? I don't know. He's something like that, isn't he? It's Alan Carr. It's Alan Carr. Oh, I don't know. Faithful. Oh, I don't know where he's from. I've gone, I've gone a bit Essex. He's not from Essex, is he? No, he's a bit like, oh, well. Oh, what a faithful. Wasn't it? It's good. It's good. It's verging on the Kenneth Williams.

[00:11:02] I could do. We thought, sorry. Kenneth, Kenneth Williams. Kenneth Williams. All our impressions go together. Why are we obsessed with Carry On? We should do our own Carry On film. I, I, I, did I, have I said this? Tell me to shut up immediately if I've already said this. I wrote, I had an obsession with the Carry On films and I wrote. And you wrote to Alan Dale. Jim Dale. Alan Dale was in Neighbours. I deferred into him. He's out of a heart sack in his 50s.

[00:11:28] And I am friends with the Dr. Beverly, Beverly. Yes! Dr. Beverly. Beverly Knight is a singer. Not Dr. Beverly Knight. Dr. Beverly Craven. Beverly Craven? Another singer. John Craven's sister. No. Who is it? Beverly. I don't know. Beverly Robinson? Well, she, she went out with Jim, didn't she? I don't remember. I do remember, but. We are like one degree of separation from Alan Dale. We could get to Alan Dale.

[00:11:57] Well, we're friends with Alison Hammond. We can get to every fucker in the world. She knows everybody. We could literally get anybody if we know Alison Hammond. Get them all. We can get them all. I mean, she's friends with everybody. Hugh Jackman's basically her husband. Alison, you know, can you help us? First of all, let's start with Alan Carr and Amanda Holden. Let's start there. Yeah. Then we'll move on to Hugh. But this idea of being friends with people is quite, it just made me think.

[00:12:23] I saw quite a funny comedy sketch earlier today on Instagram. And it was somebody being asked for their ticket on a train and being like, oh, hi. Yeah, sure. Yeah, no problem. And then showing the ticket and then the train conductor going, and can I see the rail card as well? And they're like, oh, you want to see? Right. Fine. Because they thought, they were like, I thought we were friends. And I have exactly the same thing.

[00:12:49] It's like instantly want to be friends with people. If they're not, I'd like, well, can you not let me off the rail card? Because surely you and I are like bezies now. Yeah, yeah. Because, you know, we've had a little bit of a smile. Yeah. Okay. Have a nice day. Great. Yeah. Oh, you really want to go there. You really want to go there. Yes. Like it's good. Yes. Like, does that make you feel sad? It makes me feel very sad at the end of every interview that we do when I think now we're mates.

[00:13:19] They're going to say, hey, when are we meeting up? And they just go, thanks so much for having me. Bye. Bye. I'm like, but we've just spent an hour. We're supposed to get married. We've spent an hour chatting. Oh, okay. Yeah. And now, I mean, I hope none of our prospective guests are listening to this because they might not want to come on the show. Your hopes are dash, Suze. Yeah. I'm not, I'm not all of their best mates. No. In spite of desperately wanting to be Chesney Hawks' friend.

[00:13:49] I mean, you say friend, Suzy. You say friend, I say wife. You say, yes, exactly. You say long-term lover. I mean, I am married to him. This is what everyone keeps forgetting. I know. I was married to him when I was 12. I know it's wrong, but. I think he's actually not treated you particularly well. I think you can do better than Chesney. I think when he talks about his official wife, his official wife in public, we all know you're married to him. You're a devoted wife.

[00:14:19] And I don't think he treats you well enough. We did, we did separate, go through a separation during the interview, though. He did, he did sort of instigate that. So, but you know, I met up with him then briefly in the, in the, in the reception area of the BBC. Got a photo. Decided we look quite similar. Yeah. It's inevitable. It'll happen eventually. Of course it will. Unless they, well, when they remove the restraining order. Yeah. That's when it can happen. But until then. I'm, I'm going to go full Dr. Jo Dispenser.

[00:14:51] Visualize it in the mornings for you. I'm just going to think about it every morning. I'm going to visualize you in Chesney and some nice stuff for me as well. I won't just think about you in Chesney. Um, but I will make it happen. I will make it so. Okay. Susie Hawks. Yeah. I mean, Chesney, if you're listening, cause I know you listen regularly. Don't worry. I'm not coming for you because I am Alan Carr now. Yes. Actually, I might be coming for him then. Yeah. The possibilities are endless. The possibilities are endless.

[00:15:21] Yeah. I think if I was to swap, I don't know who I would want to swap lives with just before we, before we close this conversation. It is a thing. It only came to me. I don't often think about swapping lives with people, but years ago I would have been like, I want to be Julie Walters or I want to be Julie Dench or I want to be, and then, and then I just, we watched that show and I thought, oh my God, Amanda Holden. A nice life. BGC, Heart Radio. She's just laughing and a joke and looking fabulous. I'm going to Greece.

[00:15:49] I'm going to Greece, doing up a house with Alan Carr and she looks like she's got a real grit and she's a real can-do kind of girl and I was like, yeah, I think I'd like to be Amanda Holden. If I had to, if I had to Freaky Friday into somebody else, I think I'd go Holden. Yeah. Yeah. I think that would be good. I mean, it would have to be somebody living in a little bit of the lap of luxury. Yeah. I mean, I think if it was for a day, I don't, I don't know. Would you become a boy for a day and play with your Willie? No. No.

[00:16:20] No. I'd quite like to know what it's like to be a boy. It would be fun to do that proper like Freaky Friday and, you know, being a completely different body. I'd like to know what it feels like for a boy. You know what I mean? What it feels like for a boy. What I mean? What it feels like for a boy. I went a bit Gary Barlow. Maybe I'd be him. Do you know what?

[00:16:47] I'd actually quite like to be a member of Take That right now because they're on this big tour. It looks amazing fun. I'm actually going to the tour. Oh, you are? I thought you meant your internet was going. I'm going. I'm going. Bye. No, I'm going to the circus. Are you? Yeah. I'm going to see them in London. And I can't wait.

[00:17:10] It could be.

[00:17:40] I feel like if I was in it, I'd be Robbie. Strange. Yeah. So I'd either be Gary or Robbie. I'll take that. Yes. Because they're clearly the best. Yes. Better than all the rest. Better than anyone. Anyone I've ever met. What's that? Who's on that? Tina Turner. I mean, this conversation could literally go on forever because, I mean, it'd be quite

[00:18:09] fun to be Tina Turner, although not now. Not now. But, you know. Well, not early on, you know. I think. Not through the Eich years either. Not then. But I think maybe during, what was that film with Mel Gibson? Thunderdome. Oh, I don't know. I do know what you mean, but I don't know. I'd like to be her in the Leathers' massive hair era. Yeah.

[00:18:33] I would love to be somebody who gets flown around and given loads of nice stuff and gets to be on. I mean, I'd love to be a singer and get to be in front of a stadium full of people. I'd like that. Actually, have you seen the Kylie documentary? Not yet. Oh my God. It's immense. And my love for that woman has gone through the roof. And when you see it from the other side as well.

[00:18:59] I mean, I remember years ago when Ian was at uni, one of his mates, Little Lee, saying to me, because it was Little Lee and Big Lee, and Little Lee saying, oh God, S Club 7. I mean, I'd love to be in that because they just, they don't do anything, do they? And I was like, they don't stop freaking working. They're in six countries a day. It's like, oh, it's easy. And I thought, you haven't got a clue. It's like a lot of work. But Kylie documentary, amazing. You are going to love it. And she's so brilliant. She's so resilient.

[00:19:28] She's so inspiring. You sort of forget some of the things that she went through publicly. And of course, how through most of the 90s until she did Spinning Around, she was kind of a bit of a, not a pariah, but a bit of a joke. Yes. And then she came back with Spinning Around and oh God, she's just gorgeous and just such a lovely woman. You're going to love it. Going to love it. Maybe, maybe you could be Kylie as well. No, I don't want to be Kylie. She's lovely, but I don't want to be Kylie. No, stick with Amanda.

[00:19:58] Stick with Amanda. Amanda Holden is like a British version of Kylie. Absolutely. That is what everybody knows. I regularly read it in the Peppers. Amanda and Kylie. I mean, they're both small and petite and gorgeous. Yeah. That's about where it ends. We should probably go. It's been 20 minutes. Well, I'm going to perfect my Alan Carr. I'm going to go and find out exactly. He's from Northamptonshire, isn't he? He's from Northamptonshire. Yeah.

[00:20:28] I'm going to go and get some glasses and write a sketch that we can be Amanda Holden and Alan Carr in. Let's do it. Let's do it. And I'm going to pretend I'm originally from Cornwall because that's where Amanda is from. Oh, that's nice too. It's nice, isn't it? Yeah. When you look at it all, you go, oh yeah, Holden. Holden back there. You have been listening to Limited Time Only.

[00:20:58] Brief. Small but perfectly formed. Just like me. This podcast is part of Podomity, the UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit Podomity.com.