LTO Brief #13 - Beauty

[00:00:00] Hello! If you enjoy Limited Time Only in your ears, you can now have the full-body experience at our live show on Thursday the 16th of July at the gorgeous Hearth Centre in London. Tickets are available now at the Hearth Centre's website, thehearth.me, and from the link in our Instagram bio. We'll see you there! I'm Esther. And I'm Susie. And this is Limited Time Only. Brief, a pick-me-up in shorter podcast form.

[00:00:30] We're going to talk about beauty, but neither of us know much about it, so we think this might be the quickest conversation that's ever happened. I thought, in preparation for this, I would listen back to another chat we had about beauty, not on this podcast, on someone else's. And what was so hilarious... We did actually do an hour with this person. We did, but we did know we were going on to talk about beauty. We were supposed to be talking about us.

[00:00:59] And then she just talked about beauty. It was really weird. And we don't know anything about beauty. She said, I can't believe you're asking me about beauty tips. I've honestly never thought that I'd be the sort of person to offer anybody beauty tips. And she went on to say that she felt that beauty should be democratic and that nobody should feel that beauty wasn't for them. And I said, well, it's not really that. It's that I've never felt I have had anything of interest to offer.

[00:01:24] And you could just sense her whole energy just dropping like, oh shit, I've got to do a podcast with this. This... For an hour. It doesn't matter. And I went on to promote my Lidl moisturizer. The fact that I know absolutely nothing about... I couldn't remember anything. Well, we didn't know. We didn't know that sort of... Because we had been told we were going to talk about us, but it was purely beauty. And it was...

[00:01:54] I just don't... We literally don't know anything. Apart from overcoming eczema. Yeah, well, that was quite good. Useful information. But I'm like, I just don't have any sort of proper beauty, really. Like no roots. I have no loyalty. I'm the least loyal beauty shopper. I mean, if I see a moisturizer that looks like it's all right, and it's not too expensive, I'll get it. There's no consistency in my purchasing.

[00:02:21] And I constantly bemoan the fact that I don't really know what the hell I'm doing. The only thing that I think possibly is working for me, but it could be psychosomatic, is collagen powder. Yes. In the mornings with my coffee. I quite like it because it makes the coffee a bit frothy. Love it. Did you say that again? Because that was... Oh, that was delicious. It makes the coffee a bit frothy. Oh, yeah, I like that. It makes the coffee a bit frothy. It makes the coffee frothy. I'm like in Hamilton now. Yes.

[00:02:50] But do they do that with their head? Yes. In the room where it happens. In the room where it happens. A spoon where it happens. Oh, that reminds me. Anyway, don't worry. That's something else. I won't. No, you won't. I won't remind myself. I'll forget myself. I'm going to write it down. I won't. I won't. So, possibly collagen is doing... Yeah. But it could be just a load of old...

[00:03:20] Well, collagen as well is very good internally, isn't it, for us as well? I remember hearing that once and that we need it, but I can't remember it for details. Well, that's sort of the... I know it's good for us, not just for our skin, but for internal stuff. Internal things. This was why we were called onto a beauty podcast. We know so much. I was going to say, is it a load of old bull? And then I was like, well, actually it is because it's bovine, isn't it?

[00:03:50] It is bovine. It's literally made of cow. You can get a vegetarian one. You can. Yeah. But yeah, it's... And the thing is, it's quite overwhelming, isn't it? And there's so much stuff going on. I mean, I am very loyal to what works for me because my skin was so bad for so long. I had a lot of eczema when I was a child and then... But I actually think that was due to my parents divorcing and stuff like that. But then I had it quite badly in my twenties, but again, I had something stressful going on then.

[00:04:20] And then it went. But then the beginning of my forties, just dreadful. Like, just, I mean, my face burnt every day for like two years. It was... So bad enough. And now I would say to anybody, go and see a dermatologist. Go and see a dermatologist. I was seeing... Like, she was a beautician and she kept giving me hydro facials, but I was allergic to something in them, even though she said, you can't possibly be there natural. And everything she was advising me was wrong. Now, I went to see a dermatologist in London.

[00:04:49] So you think that's going to be really expensive. It was 150 quid. That's not bad. I know it isn't a small amount of money. However, the amount of money that I'd spent searching around for products and things like that. If you've got a problem with your skin, I went to a place called Udelo in Vauxhall. One of the top ones. I was like, I can't do this anymore. I'm in agony. My face hurts.

[00:05:16] It was like having a chronic condition where I was in so much pain every day. My eyelids were constantly peeling. I was a mess. I went there and within 36 hours, my skin had transformed and you just can't mess around. So just if you ever think, if you've ever got a skin problem and you think I couldn't afford to go and see a really good dermatologist. If 150 pounds is affordable, do it because you'll spend so much on products. Yeah.

[00:05:46] I am very loyal to what I use and I don't wash my face in the morning anymore because I realized that I've got a really very thin skin barrier. And washing my face twice a day was just taking the oils out. So I just splash it with water in the morning and then I use Ciccaplast Balm by La Roche-Posay. Ciccaplast Balm. Ciccaplast Balm. Welcome to the stage. Ciccaplast Balm.

[00:06:13] And I put that on in the morning and that is usually like a thick cream that people use for the winter. I use it twice a day all year round. And La Roche-Posay Toleraine around my eyes and I cleanse once a day. That is literally it. And I do actually normally use a Eucerin, which again is for sensitive skin, SPF. And I actually haven't used it for a few months because I couldn't get it. But now you should use it all year round, but I haven't used it for the last few months, but I will start now.

[00:06:42] Now the weather's a bit nice. And I won't veer off. I don't do anything different because I know that works. Yeah. And it's safe. And my skin is really like so much better than it's ever been. I mean, I look like a piece of cardboard and you look like a sort of blossoming nymph. Oh, nymph. Wow. Yeah. I am a bit fruity. Ciccaplast Balm face. Ciccaplast Balm. Wow, wow.

[00:07:09] I do use SPF factor 50. SPF 50. What's it? Sun protection. Sun protection factor. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. Confirmed. Thank you very much. I'm on my face every day as a primer for makeup. I find that if I don't put that on actually before I put makeup just doesn't really go on. I think I'm quite dry.

[00:07:35] I should probably do probably do some of what you'd suggest and not be washing my face with water. Do you know, that was one of the biggest game changes for me. And I and I was told no, no, wash it twice a day. But as soon as I stopped, my skin got way better. So much better. And it was because I was constantly damaging the skin barrier. So just washing it taking washing it at the end of the day. I mean, I always wear makeup.

[00:08:01] I am somebody who is very rare that you'd ever see me without makeup on, but not because I just because I really like it. I enjoy it. And I feel sort of I feel pulled together when I know I'm getting dressed. Well, I always feel like I'm more awake when I've put my makeup on. Yeah. Not that I put very much on. No, I don't put loads on. Well, no, I suppose I just put a foundation. I always do my eyes. Yeah.

[00:08:28] But yeah, I never think you've got loads of makeup on with the one the trend that I'm sort of fascinated by at the moment is glass skin. Oh, yeah, which I'm completely the opposite of I look like my skin's been sucked dry by some kind of, I don't know, slug that's pumping all the moisture out of my, you know, crepey skin. Um, but, but the opposite end of the spectrum is people, you've got a bit of a sheen on you, but this is literally people.

[00:08:58] It looks like they've been in the gym for 15 hours. Yes. And I'm like, how is that? That to me looks like you need a dab of those. Do you remember those little pieces of paper you said in the nineties? I remember you having in them in the nineties. That's what I remember. I didn't know anybody else that used them. And I remember you getting them out at workshop, dabbing yourself and me thinking, wow, I've never, I don't know. I don't really know what those are. I know what mine, because my skin's always been on the dry side.

[00:09:27] So I'm always trying to get, I don't use powder or anything like that. So I've always sort of veered away from it. And I think what Susie doing? And that is one of my strongest memories of you is with those little bits of paper. It was a little booklet and you pulled out a piece of paper that had a little bit of powder on it. They were French. They smelled quite nice. And I would kind of get the, you know, the bit where the, where you kind of get, it's grease, basically.

[00:09:52] Grease gathering the nasal crevice and your brow and your chin. It's, it's, it's, what's it called? The T-zone. Yes. Um, you've got combination skin oily. That's the word. Grease. Grease dripping from every pore. Um, but I used to, but it's probably horribly bad for you because I was sort of blocking my pores using this. But this. Did it make, did it make them worse? French whore paper. French whore paper. French whore paper. Did you say?

[00:10:22] I don't know. French whore paper. I mean, to be honest, if it's French, I'm there. I'll use it whenever. I, I don't know where I even got them from and I don't know if you can still get them, but that, yes, that's so interesting that no, it was just me. I thought, well, it, maybe they did, but that is one of my overriding memories of you from those days is you having those and me being sort of like transfixed by them. Oh my God, that's so funny. What is this? And I've literally only just thought about them when we were talking about this, but

[00:10:52] I, I can't stand the sort of shiny, greasy look. I, I hate it. I mean, I, I think there is a, there is a, a, a glow that people generate that that's really lovely, but the greasy, this glassy face thing. I'm like, yes, I just want to get a cloth and dry your face. What? Why? It looks like I touch it and my hand would slip away. No, I could slide you down a bowling alley.

[00:11:23] Face first. Face first. Ah, where would you sit your fingers, Suze?

[00:11:28] Oh, on ITV.

[00:12:33] Which end you're sending down first, Suze? Oh God. Oh, okay. So I'm crying. Me too. That's just ruined all my makeup under my eyes. Um, there's hardly anything there. It's just a little bit. Anyway, so that's my take on, um, shiny faces.

[00:12:59] If you've got a shiny face, don't come near me because you're not quite sure what will happen to you? Especially if we're in a bowling alley. So funny. I am, I am interested in everyone. Everyone does say Korean skincare. It's like amazing though, don't they? But I just, yeah, I won't. And I used to say makeup all the time. What is the Korean? I don't. It's something, it's something weird, isn't it?

[00:13:27] I don't know, but you can have salmon sperm facials. That's it, salmon sperm. I don't want salmon ejaculations on my face. I had fish eating my feet once. Oh yes, I did that. And then someone told me you could get hepatitis. Oh, awful. Because you just think how disgusting. Yeah. It makes me feel ill now thinking about sitting in that shopping centre with my feet in a bucket of water. It's weird, isn't it?

[00:13:55] It was such a trend in the sort of teenies because I remember going with a couple of Ella's best mates mums and we all went to this shop in Merry Hill and went and got our feet nibbled. It's like everybody was doing it. What happened to all those piranhas? What happened to all those little fish? Where are they? They've been retired to a fishing fishing port in Wales. They were.

[00:14:25] All the fish from the shopping centres. Are they all just living? I hope so. Or they were sort of put into some kind of food processor and used as Korean skincare. Oh God. Imagine if that's what it is. Oh. This is a weird conversation. It is weird, but valid. Very valid. Very informative. And that's how I ended up on a beauty podcast. I mean, you just know where to come for your beauty tips. Yeah.

[00:14:53] The other thing I do, but I should do because I pay for it and then I don't do it, is teeth whitening. Oh, you pay for it, do you? I want to whiten my teeth. It's easy. You get, you go to a dentist and they do a mould. Oh yeah, yeah. Obviously mine's bigger than yours. So I've got this enormous knackers. Hello! You've got lovely teeth. So big. And then you get, you pay for a syringe of gel.

[00:15:22] I've had them done before because I had braces years ago, had Invisalign and then they, oh, it's so annoying. They broke during lockdown. So they were whitened as part of that, but that's about 10 years ago. Then my brace broke during lockdown. Couldn't get another one. My teeth have moved quite a bit. And then, and then my dentist had moved somewhere else. And I had to go and track him down because my dentist didn't cut the record with a gun and like with Sylvester in camo. Like Sylvester Stallone. Where is he? Give me my files.

[00:15:51] I've got, I've got some sights on the dentist. I can see Oliver. There he is. Um, rugby tackle him. Go, go, go. Um, but, and then I've had to have scans done and essentially to have them, they've moved a bit. So I've had to have, um, I'm, I'm keeping them as they are to, because to go get retainers to take them back to where they were would be three grand. And I'd already paid to have Invisalign, but I do want to get my teeth whitened again, but they have to make me a separate tray. I can't just use the retainers that I've got.

[00:16:20] I have to have a separate tray made to then do the gel. And I just think, oh my God, guys, that's like 400 quid. Just give me the gels. I've had this tray for ages, years, and I've just bought another syringe, which I can wear in the day because I do wear it at night sometimes, but it's very uncomfortable. So you've just bought the syringe? I've just bought another syringe of gel. From your dentist? Yeah. It's a 30 quid. Um, and then I'll, yeah. And then I'll just pop that in.

[00:16:45] I'll wear that for a few hours, a few times, and then it'll whiten them right up. Why can't you just ask this dentist then if I can have a couple of syringes or one syringe or something? Because I'm sorry, Oliver. I mean, we've, we've got issues. If you've got, already got a tray. Yeah. Yeah. And also my last brace at Christmas, I'd left it in a cup to sterilize on the side and somebody stuck it in the dishwasher. So that's why I didn't, that's why I lost it. Yeah. I did accidentally put one in my first lot.

[00:17:15] I, um, cause you have to sterilize them. Um, and I put it in boiling water and it just, um. Oh, disintegrated. We just became a different shape. Yes. That was not of my own teeth. No. Um, somebody else's probably would have fit them really well, but don't know who that person was and it was difficult to find out. Yes. That would be quite challenging. Yeah. So, so that's, I mean, I hope that's been helpful to everybody out there. Yeah. I mean, what a, what a chat. What a chat. I mean, we've had bowling balls. We've had, what about Invisalign? And then we've had.

[00:17:45] We've had Sikaflasbaum. Sikaflasbaum. Sikaflasbaum. I think actually they're representing, um, Denmark at the Eurovision Song Contest. Yes, they are. They are. They are. Yeah. They're going to win, I think. They're going to smash it. Smash it. Smash it. Smash it. Right, I'm off to put my, uh, teeth whitening tray in. Oh, great. And, uh, play some ten bin bowling. You have been listening to, limited time only. Brief.

[00:18:15] Small but perfectly formed. Just like, me. This podcast is part of Podomity. The UK's podcast comedy network. Why not laugh at what else we've got? Visit, Podomity.com. Visit, Podomity.com.